Original subtitles

??

Check it out, people.

The lair of Wraith, notorious bounty hunter.

I am Groot. [Rocket] Got that right, bud.

I heard he's got some of the best boom in the galaxy stashed here.

And since he just got arrested, it's only a matter of time

before the wrong folks loot his hideout.

Ah, as we are looting it now.

Eh, but we're the right folks, Drax.

Any weapons we find go straight to Nova Corps for safekeeping.

Eh, minus 15 percent for expenses.

It doesn't bother you we haven't encountered any defenses

in the lair of a villain who's all about weapons?

Specifically shape-shifting weapons.

Seriously, Rocket? I mean, did you lead us to the lair

of Wraith the Bounty Hunter, or Wraith the Accountant?

I don't know. He's supposed to be some type of super-assassin.

I guess he likes his digs less super.

There were weapons. We're too late.

The nerve of some people, clearing out the place before we could!

Now, in my experience, people never leave

the good stuff in plain view. [clicks]

Ha-ha!

Wait. This isn't-- It can't be.

Tactigon. What's a Tactigon?

Oh, it's just one of the most powerful weapons in the galaxy.

My personal Pinnacle of Boom!

It automatically identifies the weakness of the enemy of whoever wields it,

then transforms into the weapon that'll destroy that enemy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No way your sausage fingers can evade those lasers.

Drax the Destroyer does not evade lasers.

Lasers evade Drax the Destroyer.

I am Groot! [alarm blaring]

[beeping]

[all beeping]

Definitely not Wraith the Accountant.

[Rocket] Aw, krutack.

[alarm blaring] [weapons firing]

Use the Tactigon!

It's a blaster. Just point it and shoot something!

[grunts]

[ascending whirring]

Eat Tactigon!

[alarm continues blaring] [yells]

[grunting] Okay, I don't think it works.

Figure it out later.

[all grunt]

I'll make a door.

Groot, open it.

I am Groot! [grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts] [yells]

[both grunting]

[Quill] He cuts back, avoids a tackle!

Oh, what a move!

He could go all the way!

[grunts]

[grunts]

?? [rock] Touchdown Guardians!

[singsongy] Go, Quill! Go, Quill!

Our ship has already touched down. That's not what I--

Anyway, point is, we scored, and everything turned out perfectly. Huh?

[beeping]

Think again.

I've put together enough bombs to know a countdown when I see one.

Wraith must have booby-trapped it to self-destruct

if anyone but him tried to use it.

Then I will destroy it. No!

This is an Omega-level weapon. If its power is unleashed--

It'll take out half the galaxy.

So disarm it already.

[beeping continues]

[yells] Ugh!

Definitely booby-trapped. [grunts]

And I can't read the clock, so I don't know how long we got.

This thing could detonate at any time! [yells]

Time. That's it. If we can't stop the countdown in the weapon,

we'll stop time around the weapon so it'll never explode.

We'd need a Temporal Stasis Field to do that. We don't have one.

No. But I know who does.

Wanna run that by me one more time, Quill?

It's really simple, Dey. We're just gonna swing by Nova Corps HQ

and drop off this thing that, you know, could blow up the universe.

Uh-huh. Nice try, Quill.

But as you can see from my new hairdo,

I'm very aware of what day it is.

[laughing] Oh! Who got you?

Oh, you should see the look on your face!

Uh-huh. Better pranking next year.

No. Wait, wait, wait! We got-- [groans]

What did Dey mean by "pranking"?

It's not important right now. [beeps]

Peter Quill, you know you're forbidden on Xandar

during the Feast of the Three Grinning Moons.

Set foot on this planet for any reason,

and you'll be thrown out of orbit so fast

your jet boots will spin.

Am I clear? [passing gas sound]

[squeals]

[laughing]

Oh, Nova Prime, someone got you so good!

You should see the look on your face right now.

What the flarg is the Feast of the Three Grinning Moons?

Yeah. That. Okay. Um...

So, every year, Xandar has a festival

when the planet's moons all form, well, smiles.

And to celebrate, there's a party across the planet

where everyone pranks and plays jokes on each other.

[sighs]

Back in the day, when I was still a Ravager,

me and Yondu were the best there was at pranking.

[whistles]

Actually, I taught Yondu everything he knows.

[laughing] [laughing]

Yeah, boyo. Man!

So Nova Prime banished you over a mustache?

I know, right? Just a total overreaction.

[beeping]

We need Nova's Temporal Stasis Field

to stop this thing from blowing up,

so you better hope they're in a forgiving mood.

Nova Tower Control to Milano.

Your landing permit has been suspended.

Turn away immediately, or you will be fired upon.

Corpsman, you do not understand the danger. We are running out of time.

Can't you give a break to the guys who saved your entire planet?

The law is the law, Quill. [grunts]

Xandar's defenses now register your vessel

as an enemy ship for the duration of the Feast. [growls]

I suggest you return after it's over.

[Rocket grunting]

Okay.

Definitely not a forgiving mood.

[Quill on radio] Whoa! Dey, wait!

Come on. Tell your defenses to cease fire.

[Dey on radio] See, that's the thing about automated defenses.

They're automated. I don't have to tell them to do anything.

You might wanna take the hint, Quill.

We really don't want you on Xandar

during the Feast of the Three Grinning Moons.

Well, too bad, Dey, 'cause this is a Code Double-Secret Emergency,

which clearly supersedes your banishing of me.

That's not a thing, Quill. You just made that up.

[Quill] I-- Nuh-uh.

Quill, you're aware if we blow up,

so does the Tactigon and, by extension, half the galaxy?

I agree. And I propose a new strategy.

I will take the controls. The lasers will evade me.

You don't get the concept of lasers, do you?

[Quill] So how about a concept of getting past them?

[Rocket] No problem. Got a spare ship on ya?

What are you talking about? We got five of them.

Maybe the pods won't register as enemy ships.

[Gamora] They're still shooting at us, Quill.

[Quill] But now we're much smaller targets.

Small enough to get through the defense grid.

Ha-ha! We're in!

Here comes the welcome wagon.

Drax will welcome them with much destruction.

No, no, no, no, no. This is good.

If they arrest us, they have to process us,

and that means confiscating the Tactigon

and sticking it safely in their Temporal Stasis Field.

Nice try, Quill, but you're not landing.

Starblasters, escort those pods back into orbit.

Wait. No. Arrest us! Ple-- Please?

[sighs] Fine.

Let a pro handle this.

[Dey] Right. That's it.

Hey!

I want that guy's name and badge number!

And an address where I can send him a ticking package.

[laughs] Yeah. And speaking

of ticking packages, we're halfway there.

Don't worry. I'll work the Quill charm on whoever's in charge.

[Dey] Will you now, Quill?

Corpsman Dey!

Hi. I, for one, am glad to see you.

Remember that object I told you we were bringing over that's gonna blow up the galaxy?

Well, that's it! It's-- That's the one and only Tactigon!

[beeping]

The Tactigon?

Corpsman, we need to get this

into the Temporal Stasis Field right away!

Uh, nah. Just kidding.

[groans]

Hmm.

[chuckling] Seriously, Quill,

you think we're gonna fall for that lame gag?

I expect more from you. Especially after your last prank.

[nervous chuckle]

What, the mustache on Nova Prime thing?

You told them that was the prank that got you banned from the Feast?

[laughs] Transport them to their ship in orbit.

But-- But the Tactigon!

And make sure they take that obviously fake Tactigon with them.

What? No, no, no, no, no! Wait! Dey, listen!

Not listening.

[beeping continues]

I am Groot!

Yeah, I can't believe the galaxy is gonna be destroyed

because of some stupid prank neither.

I believe it. Quill is involved.

Quill, confess the true nature of your prank

that has caused us so many complications.

[sighs] Fine.

Every year, the Feast of the Grinning Moons

crowns a Prankster King.

Me and Yondu were always competing for the title,

and, you know, one of our pranks got out of hand. [laughing]

Oh, no.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, come on. The Kree Supreme Intelligence

looked like a big punch bowl. [laughing]

It's hilarious. They-- They did not think so at all.

Nearly causing an intergalactic war?

Yeah, uh, that'll get you banned.

I can see now why Nova Corps believes you are here to prank them again.

So we'll use it to our advantage.

If Rocket ever gets us out-- I'm out.

I disabled the locks a while ago.

Yeah. I was actually interested in Quill's story.

Will you stop wasting time with the truth and listen up?

We go back to Nova Corps HQ, and I prank them, just like they expect.

So while they chase me around...

We break in and get Tactigon into the Temporal Stasis Field.

Why would all the Nova Corps chase just one man?

Oh, I'm not just one man. I'm the Prankster King.

?? [Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild"]

I'm gonna hit the ladies' room.

[gasps]

[cluck]

[grunts]

That was quick. Wha-- [cluck]

[cluck] [groans]

? Get your motor runnin' ? Do you always carry such

curious weaponry on your person? [cluck]

I am the Prankster King. ? Lookin' for adventure ?

? And whatever comes our way ?

? Yeah, darlin', go make it happen ?

? Take the world in a love embrace ? [Quill yelling]

? Fire all of your guns at once ? Huh?

? And explode into space ? [whimpers]

Huh? [cluck]

? Heavy metal thunder ? [groans]

I am Groot. ? Racin' with the wind ?

For pranking! For glory! ? And the feelin' that I'm under ?

[clucking] ? Yeah, darlin', go make it happen ?

[beeping] Quill...

All units, he's back!

[alarm blaring] Repeat: the Prankster King is back!

Yoo-hoo!

Neener-neener!

Oh, that's right. Uh-huh, that's right.

I T.P.'d your Starblaster. What are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do? Oh, look! Another Starblaster! [yelling]

Whatever shall I do with all this toilet paper?

[alarm continues blaring]

[clattering]

I'm picking up an unidentified blockage in Air Shaft 7-B.

Moving to investigate. [Dey] Negative that, Corpsman.

We have exploding toilets on Level One-Niner.

All units deploy, stat!

These guys really got it in for Quill. I like 'em.

[alarm continues blaring] [Corpsman] Hey! Stop right there!

[yells]

[both grunt]

[laughing]

Oh, you should see the look on your face--

[yelling]

I'm gonna put you where you can't make any more trouble.

You took us to the prisoner level?

Relax.

This terminal should give us an idea where they keep the Temporal thingamajig.

[keyboard clacking]

Wraith! What are you doing here?

He was arrested. That is why we were able to loot his hide-- [groans]

Slipped out of my cell while the guards were chasing some fool prankster.

Question is, what are you doing here?

You gotta believe me. We stole that crazy weapon from Wraith's hideout!

I heard a rumor somebody looted my lair.

Now I know who.

So what are you gonna do about it?

We're armed. You ain't.

Hit the armory before I came here.

Now I'm gonna hit you.

I am Groot!

[cries out] I am Groot.

It'll grow back! Which beats burnin' to a crisp!

[yells, grunts] Wait! Drax, that's the main console!

[grunts, yells]

[yells, grunts]

Was it important?

[Rocket] Only if you want the other inmates locked up.

[yells]

[grunts]

[groans]

Now, you're gonna tell me where you hid

the weapons you stole from me.

You want weapons? I'll show ya weapons!

[yells]

[yelling]

[grunts] You gotta believe me, Dey.

[grunts] [beeps]

I'm not pranking you! Whoa!

Uh-huh.

[grunting]

And it looks like I'm gonna get a chance to prove it.

Hiya, boyo.

[both laughing]

[cocks weapon]

[grunts]

Aah! Thanks.

[Ravagers groaning] Sure. Can I have my weapon back?

[grunts]

Timed that perfect-- [cries out]

They hate it when you tap on the glass.

Prisoners of Cellblock 261, return to your enclosures immediately.

And why would we do that?

When we outnumber you?

[growling]

[yells] [grunts]

Whoa. Dey!

[yells, grunts]

This jailbreak another prank, Quill? 'Cause I'm not laughing.

I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

[Rocket] Uh, guys?

We got more pressing matters.

[beeping]

Oh, brilliant. You guys found Wraith

and asked him how to disable the Tactigon, right?

Actually, we never had the chance to obtain that information.

Wait. Are you saying the Tactigon is real?

Please, just trust me.

Get this thing in the Temporal Stasis Field.

[sighs]

I'll do it. If and only if

you apologize for your last big prank.

The one that got you banned for life from Xandar during the Feast.

The one that got you named "Prankster King."

Let me guess. It wasn't when you turned

the Supreme Intelligence's tank into a punch bowl.

[sighs] Okay. Look, it was a few years back

at the Feast of the Four Grinning Moons...

[chattering] [Gamora] Wait. Four grinning moons?

[Quill] So, anyway, I thought, wouldn't it be great if we could celebrate

[citizens gasp] the Feast of the Grinning Moons every day?

[gasping, murmuring]

And now for the finale. [beeps]

[gasping, exclaiming]

[exclaiming continues] Okay, that's bad.

[laughing]

You blew up the... [laughing]

So-- So-- So you actually blew up the fourth moon!

[hysterical laughter]

I'm sorry, okay? I'm really, really,

really, really, really, really, really sorry.

Okay, Quill. I believe you now.

And I believe this thing's about to blow, [beeping]

along with Xandar and half the krutackin' galaxy!

I just hope we can freeze it in the time loop before it's too late.

Stasis Field's in the vault! Go!

Now, you're gonna tell me where you hid the weapons you stole from me.

Wraith! Just the guy we're looking for!

Quick, tell us how to shut down the Tactigon.

No idea what you're talking about.

[all grunt]

I am Groot.

[cries out]

I am Groot!

Seriously? Tactigon?

Omega-level weapon that can wipe out the galaxy? Any of this ringing a bell?

[beeping continues]

[grunting]

[groans]

Aah! [grunts] [Drax grunts]

Shut down the Tactigon, or I shut you down!

[yells]

[grunts] [yells, grunts]

All right, Wraith. Time to cool off.

Uh, Quill, how is he supposed to stop the countdown

from inside an ice cube?

Oh, right.

[beeping continues]

[alarm sounding] Oh, man! Right on the one-yard line!

[passing gas sound]

[citizens clamoring]

[coughing]

[crying out] [citizens groaning]

[Rocket] Poison gas?

[beeping]

It's not reading as toxic.

Hello, boyo. Happy Feast of the Three Grinning Moons.

Hope you liked that ultimate stink-i-fier I planted in Wraith's hideout.

Better luck next year, 'cause as of now,

I am the Prankster King!

Huh! Okay, that was pretty good.

What? What-- The smell isn't that bad, assuming you came prepared.

And, as I am still forbidden to be on Xandar during the Feast,

Corpsman Dey, you can do your job and kick us off the planet.

As you apologized, I have decided to pardon you, [groaning]

which means you and your crew are going to stay

and enjoy the sights, the sounds,

and especially the smells of the Feast. [groaning continues]

[Guardians groaning] I'll return this after the celebration is over.

Quill, you-- [laughing]

you really oughta see the look on your face!

[Rocket mock laughs] Yeah,

especially after we're done clobbering it!

[sheepish laugh]

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