Original subtitles

- These pancakes taste funny. - What do you mean?

They're good.

- Bob: Hey. - Boys: Oh!

Mom made good pancakes!

Is up down? Is black white? Is Dad smart?

How do you go from "Mom made good pancakes"

- to making fun of me? - 14 years of practice.

- Mom, what happened? - Well, I got tired

of you guys making fun of my pancakes.

So I got up early, made them from scratch.

And now I expect the jokes to stop.

All right, guys, see you later.

I'm heading over to Ivy's to help her pack for college.

Oh, that's nice. Why don't you have some breakfast before you go?

- Mom made delicious pancakes. - (Laughs)

No, seriously.

These are amazing.

So you learn how to cook just as I'm heading off to college?

Okay, Teddy, we agreed, we're not making any more of those jokes.

Oh, we didn't agree on anything.

We're taking the jokes one meal at a time.

- P.J., could you help me in the living room for a sec? - Sure.

(SIGHS)

- Thanks for making the pancakes. - Mm-hmm.

(Theme music playing)

Today's all burnt toast

running late and Dad jokes

"has anybody seen my left shoe?"

I close my eyes, take a bite

grab a ride, laugh out loud

there it is up on the roof

I've been there, I survived

so just take my advice

hang in there, baby

things are crazy

but I know your future's bright

hang in there, baby

there's no maybe

everything turns out all right

sure life is up and down

but trust me, it comes back around

you're gonna love who you turn out to be

hang in there, baby.

(Doorbell rings)

- (Flatly) Come in. - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz.

Welcome to our happy home.

What's wrong?

Our baby girl's going off to college.

- Yeah, we're all heartbroken. - Hey hey hey!

Well, one heart looks intact.

Ivy, I can't believe you'll soon be 800 Miles away.

Mmm, 854.

Which is a long way to go for a visit.

- But only two hours by plane. - Yeah, but Mom gets airsick.

Ivy, cheer down.

I'm gonna go get more boxes out of the garage.

You know, my parents are sad I'm going off to college too.

But it's not the same.

You've got so many kids at home, when one leaves,

it barely makes a dent.

I just don't know what I'm going to do without her.

Well, you'll have more time to follow the weather!

Oh, Teddy, how can I enjoy the weather

when there's a dark cloud over my heart?

Oh, Harry, even in distress, you're poetic.

Come on, guys, where's that ol' wentz fire?

Hey, I know.

How about a couple verses of "row row row your boat"?

- That always lifts your spirits. - Well, it's worth a try.

Okay.

(Mournfully) row row row your boat

gently down the stream...

It's not as jaunty as I remembered it.

Guys, look, I know that it's hard,

but what choice do you have? I mean, what are you going to do,

- move to Arizona with her? - I guess you're right.

Now just try to cheer up, for Ivy's sake.

Believe me, she is a lot more upset than she seems.

Ha ha! Great news!

I just checked with the airline,

and I can fly stand-by tonight!

Whoo!

Charlie, honey, you ready for your playdate?

- Yay! - Who's coming over?

Taylor. I invited her parents too.

So we're all having a playdate?

Bob, honey, this one is actually going to be fun.

I met the Mom, Susan, she's really nice.

Oh, I met her. I thought her name was Cheryl.

- No, it's Susan. - Are you sure?

Am I sure that I'm right and you're wrong?

- Always. - (Doorbell rings)

Okay, that must be them.

Amy: Hi!

Taylor!

(Amy chuckles)

- Hi, Susan! - Hi!

Amy, this is Taylor's other Mom Cheryl.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- This is my husband Bob. - Hey, nice to meet you.

Come on in. Come on in.

Taylor has two Moms.

Wow, nothing gets past you, Bob.

I'll tell you why you don't have a girlfriend, Jake.

It's because you say things like, "look how silky and manageable my hair is."

That's weird. A banana peel just fell on me.

No, we don't have a monkey.

I'll call you later.

Hello?

Is someone in the tree house?

Whoever you are, I have a plastic bat!

Ahh, I shouldn't have said plastic.

P.J.?

Hey!

How'd you know it was me?

Who else would break into our tree house

and put up a gurgles poster?

The fan club has over 38,000 members.

- If you factor in international... - Don't need to know that.

What are you doing here?

I'm living here.

- What, why? - Because...

Emmett and I couldn't pay our rent so we got kicked out of our apartment.

- Man. - This is just temporary.

Okay? Please don't tell Mom and Dad.

Well, normally I'd blackmail you,

but what I'm hearing is you're out of money, so I'm at a loss.

Sorry to put you in that position.

Well, since you're living here,

why don't you fix this place up a little bit?

I don't know, I'd hate to steal focus from the poster.

Come on, there's a house down there full of stuff.

A couple of chairs, a throw pillow,

we'll really make this place feel like home.

- You're a good brother. - I just want to see you get back on your feet again.

And then I'll blackmail you.

- So, Bob, what do you do? - I'm an exterminator.

Yeah, that usually ends the conversation.

- What do you two do? - I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, that's killed its share of conversations too.

I work from home so I can be with Taylor.

- I'm a graphic designer. - Graphic design!

I love that stuff.

Yeah, the designs can be very...

Graphic.

Okay, the girls are upstairs, having a blast.

- Bob, you want to help me in the kitchen? - Yeah, sure thing.

- They seem nice. - I know, right?

- Great couple. - Um...

- Just one question. - Hmm?

Usually on these playdates

I go downstairs with the Dad to watch the game.

So who... who am I going to watch the game with now?

I don't want to make any assumptions.

- Do you want me to ask them? - No no no.

You know what? I'll figure it out.

I can be pretty smooth.

This isn't going to be pretty or smooth.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, so I was thinking about heading downstairs

and watching the rookies game, if anyone's interested.

Okay if you are, okay if you're not.

Well, I'm not a huge baseball fan,

- but I'll watch it with you. - Fantastic.

Susan's gonna watch the game!

I'm gonna watch the game. No assumptions were made

and it all went very smoothly.

Susan, shall we?

Okay.

His first time with two Moms? - Uh-huh.

(Singing "row row row your boat" in German)

(Laughing)

Boy, things sure have changed down here.

Oh, yeah. We're in a good mood now.

And no language says happy like German.

So why the big turnaround?

We have some exciting news.

We decided that if our little girl is going to Arizona,

- we're going with her. - What?!

(Giggles)

And it was all Teddy's idea.

What?!

So then we realized there's nothing holding us here.

So why not sell the house, pack up the r. V.

And move to Arizona to be with our little girl?

Mm-hmm. And we never would've thought of it

if Teddy hadn't said, "why don't you just move to Arizona?"

C'mon, honey, it's our turn to get boxes.

Woo-hoo!

What did you do?

Not what I was trying to do, I'll tell you that.

T, do you know

why I worked so hard in high school?

So I could realize my dream.

- To go to college? - Without my parents!

Ivy, relax,

I'm sure once they think this through, they'll come to their senses.

- (Door opens) - Hey, Ivy, when weget down there,

we can move the r. V. Right next to your dorm,

that way you can have breakfast with us every morning.

Or we can all get a meal plan together.

Doesn't that sound fun? (Laughs)

I don't know, T., does it?

- I love your house. - Oh, thank you.

I'm so glad we could get together because...

you've been wanting to get to know us better?

'Cause we feel the same way.

That's so sweet. I actually wasn't going to say that.

But I'm very glad to get to know you too.

(Chuckles)

So where do you and Susan...

come from. Well, I...

I actually grew up in Florida.

But Susan is from Colorado.

Okay, I was going to say "live,"

but that's good information. Yeah.

- How long have you and Susan... - Had a boat?

Well, I grew up waterskiing,

and then I got Susan into it. So I'd say

it's been about eight years.

Okay.

Okay, um, actually, I was going to ask

how long have you and Susan been together?

Oh. Well, let's see,

we adopted Taylor four years ago,

so we've been together 10 years now.

- Oh, that's wonderful. - (Door closes)

- Amy: Hi. - Oh hi, Mom.

Hey, guys. Cheryl, I want you to meet my sons

- Gabe and... - Fred!

No!

- No no, it's P.J. - Really?

Yes, really!

- He looks like a Fred. - That's so funny.

I've always felt more like a Fred.

- Hey, Gabe, will you call me Fred from now on? - No.

Oh.

What are you two doing with that stuff?

Oh, uh, they're broken,

so we're taking them to the fix-it shop.

The one near my apartment.

- Where I still live. - Yeah.

- See ya! - Yeah.

- P.J. Takes after... - His father.

Wow, you got that one right.

Hey, I really appreciate you helping me fix this place up, man.

No problem. Like I always say, if you can't do something

behind Mom and Dad's back, why do it at all?

There's only one problem with this place:

I can't get wi-fi from the house.

Oh, try Mrs. Dabney's. The password is "kaboodle."

No. She must have changed it.

Try "Gabe-Duncan-is-evil."

- Nope. - Did you use an exclamation point?

- (Chimes) - We're in.

- Hey, guys. - There she is,

our inspiration!

Yeah, about that, can we talk for a second?

Sure, what's on your mind?

Um... (SIGHS) I think Ivy

should go to college by herself.

Without you.

It's a part of growing up.

But if you felt this way,

why did you try to talk us into going with her?

Mm-hmm. We never would have come up with that on our own.

Okay, yes, that one's on me.

I have some crazy ideas.

Sometimes I get a little carried away.

In that sense, you're a little like your mother.

Look, I know that you're going to miss her a lot,

but Ivy's ready to be on her own.

What about us?

We're not ready to be on our own.

Maybe you don't have to be.

Ivy!

I got you a little going-away present.

Oh my goodness! A doggy!

Oh, look at the little guy!

Harry, can you believe it?

Just as our baby is going away, we get a new baby.

- Ooh, let's call him "baby"! - Mm-hmm!

Well, I think someone

owes somebody a thank you.

You want me to thank you for solving a problem

- that you created? - It was a pretty bad problem.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hey, where's baby gonna sleep?

On Ivy's bed.

Uh, guys, I'm still gonna be here tonight.

You can sleep on the couch.

Midges are like tiny flies.

And after they hatch, they swarm in this enormous cloud.

Uh-huh. How did we get on midges again?

Oh, we were watching the game. Then I was telling you about

that playoff game a few years back, remember that?

- When all the midges swarmed? - Right right.

We were watching the game.

Hi there. Just wanted to check and see how you guys were doing.

- Doing great. - How's the game?

Don't know. We've been so busy talking...

About midges and stinkbugs.

Bob, honey, can I see you in the other room for just a sec?

Excuse me.

I want to trade Moms.

- What do you mean? - I don't like mine.

- She's a sentence finisher. - Ooh, that can be real...

really really annoying. Yeah, I know.

But I like my Mom. She loves my bug stories.

- She's a great listener... - She's a great listener?

I want that one!

I am not trading. I like the Mom.

But the Dad won't stop talking... about bugs.

The Mom and I were hitting on all cylinders.

We're even finishing each other's sentences.

You finish everyone's sentences!

If you won't trade, I'm gonna play the headache card.

Oh come on. That's the lamest trick in the world.

I don't care. I've had it.

I want to finish a sentence!

- Hey, guys. - Amy, Bob,

we are so sorry. We have to go.

I have a pounding headache.

Oh no, can I get you something?

No, mm-mm, no. I just need to lie down...

at home.

So we'll just get Taylor and go.

- But we will set up another playdate soon. - Yes!

Well, let me walk you out.

No no, no need.

- Bye now. - Feel better.

Yeah, feel better.

How do you like that? She played the headache card on you.

No, she did not!

- Yes, she did! - No no, I was very interesting.

That... that was a real headache.

Right, that was a real headache.

Bob, honey, let's face it:

Whether it's a Mom and a Dad

or two Moms or two Dads,

nobody likes your bug stories.

(Blender whirring)

- (Electricity crackles) - What?

- What happened? - Maybe we overloaded the circuit.

I'll go check.

Oh! Think I found the problem.

So what's going on here?

Before we tell you, promise you won't tell Mom?

Won't tell Mom what?

Well, I guess we should just come clean.

Whoa whoa whoa. Already?

Traditionally we try a couple lies first.

Emmett and I got kicked out of our apartment.

- Oh! - What?!

Turns out not paying the rent is a deal-breaker.

Honey, why didn't you tell us?

- We would have let you move back home. - I was too embarrassed to ask.

You guys are already putting me through cooking school. You do enough for me already.

- No, we don't. - Yeah, that's true.

P.J., you're following your dream.

And if you need help along the way, we're here for you.

Thanks. And I promise

once I graduate cooking school, I'll get a job and move out.

Son, take as long as you two-months need.

What's going on up here?

It's a progressive party

and we're starting in the tree house.

Are those my throw pillows?

Yeah, they really tied the room together.

When was the last time we were all in the tree house?

- Right before it fell down. - (All laugh)

(Wood cracking)

Why does that sound familiar?

(Crashing)

Is everyone okay?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wait a minute!

Nobody move!

Where is the gurgles poster?

Okay, Ivy, have a great first semester.

And we'll see you at Christmas, right?

You guys are like my second family.

And if that dog has really taken over my room,

you might be my first family.

Get over here.

Now get out of here before I lose it.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Well, I guess this is it.

Thanks for being my best friend.

And thank you.

Thank you for being mine.

- I love you, T. - I love you too.

(Exhales) Well, Charlie,

there's a lot of changes going on around here.

Ivy's gone. The tree house is gone...

again.

I'll be leaving for Yale soon

and P.J. is moving back in.

Yeah, I thought we'd get the number of kids in the house down to three,

but I guess we're holding at four!

Dad, I told you once I graduate cooking school,

I'm gonna get a job and I'll be out of here.

And thanks for letting me stay here, Mr. Duncan.

Hey, what... what's Emmett doing here?

Just because we don't have an apartment doesn't mean we're not roommates.

Wait!

The Wentzes get a puppy and I get Emmett?

(Whimpering)

Better wish Dad some good luck, Charlie.

- (Shatters) - No no no no.

No no no! And I don't want you using that take

and that's why I'm stopping now.

Boy, something's been going on down here.

- Oh yes! - What is my line?

(Laughs) Great news!

I just checked... (Sputters)

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