Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

Oh, hey.

You guys wanna hear a joke?

All: No!

Why not?

Because they're never good.

Dad, your mouth is where jokes go to die.

I can be funny.

It's funny watching you try to tell a joke.

See, now that's funny.

Honey, why don't you just wait and tell your joke at lunch?

But I have lunch at work.

Uh-huh.

You know what? You guys are gonna like this one.

So, guy walks into a store with a frog on a leash...

No no no!

Sorry. Frog's on his head.

So anyway, the frog says...

(Sighs)

Ah, you shouldn't know the frog talks yet.

So, let's just forget I said that, okay?

The store owner says...

And it doesn't have to be the store owner,

could just be a guy who works there. (All groan)

- Okay okay. - Or a girl, whatever.

You know what, guys? In the interest of time,

let's just laugh now and get it over with.

- Okay. Go. - (All laugh loudly)

Ohh!

- Good one, dad. - No no, wait.

Wait a minute. I'm not done yet.

- No, but we are. - Yeah.

Well, you wanna hear the joke, right, Charlie?

Sure, daddy.

Okay, so...

Guy walks into a store with a frog...

(groans) Wait a minute.

It's not a frog. It's a parrot.

(Laughs)

Parrots are funny.

(Laughing) Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But there's more to the joke.

It doesn't end on "parrot."

(Giggles) You said it again.

(Rock music playing)

Today's all burnt toast

running late and dad jokes

"has anybody seen my left shoe?"

I close my eyes, take a bite

grab a ride, laugh out loud

there it is up on the roof

I've been there, I survived

so just take my advice

hang in there, baby

things are crazy

but I know your future's bright

hang in there, baby

there's no maybe

everything turns out all right

sure life is up and down

but trust me, it comes back around

you're gonna love who you turn out to be

hang in there, baby.

(squeals) It's here, it's here!

What is?

The email from Yale.

I'm about to find out if I got in.

Open it! What are you waiting for?

I can't. I'm too nervous.

Yale is my dream school.

The next ten seconds are gonna decide the course of my entire life.

Okay. Easy now, honey.

Nobody likes a drama queen.

What are you looking at me for?

Okay. Dad, here, you read it.

I'll be able to tell by your expression.

(Deeply exhales)

(Key clicks)

Uh-oh.

I didn't get in?

No, I sent it to trash.

Hey, how do I get this back? "Empty trash."

No!

Gosh. I'll do it.

(Sighing) Okay.

Here goes.

(Key clicks)

Huh.

I'm on the wait list.

Well, that's good.

You still have a chance to get in.

You just have to wait for a spot to open up.

Well, yeah, but what are the odds of that?

Honey, look, it's out of your hands.

Okay, so until you hear otherwise, you just have to do what I do.

Just relax and go with the flow.

You're looking at me again.

What is that?

Which I bought with my graduation money from grandpa.

- You didn't graduate. - Grandpa doesn't know that.

Gabe, we talked about this.

I specifically said you could not get one of these things.

You said I couldn't have a dirt bike.

This is an electric scooter.

It's what kids with dirt bikes make fun of.

Well, whatever it is, it doesn't look very safe.

Listen, before you decide anything, how about you just take it for a spin?

Then you can see how tame it is.

Whoo-hoo!

Aww, yeah!

Fun, huh? So can I keep it?

Don't know. Not done testing it yet.

Whoo-hoo!

Aw, yeah!

Okay, Charlie, let's go.

Hello, Mr. Duncan.

Hello, teacher lily.

I wanted to show you something Charlie wrote about you.

- It's on the "mommy daddy" wall. - (Bob sighs)

Let me apologize in advance.

No.

It's good this time.

Here's Charlie's.

"My daddy tells funny jokes."

well, at least somebody appreciates me.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're welcome, daddy.

Since you're coming in for circle time tomorrow anyway,

how about telling the kids a couple of jokes?

Oh, I... (Exhales)

(Stammering) I don't know.

Sometimes I get a little rattled.

Mr. Duncan, they're four-year-olds.

You're not hosting the oscars.

Please, daddy.

Um...

Well, I guess I could tell a few jokes.

I mean, how hard could that be?

Tell the one about the parrot.

It's so funny.

Oh, hey, Victor, if you're not busy tomorrow night...

and, uh, I'm assuming you're not...

Hey!

Oh. I'm sorry. Are you busy?

No.

Well, I could use some help with the senior prank.

A prank?

I don't know. That sounds like hijinks.

Which borders on shenanigans.

And from there it's a slippery slope into tomfoolery.

And you wonder why you're never busy.

Look, I don't wanna get into any trouble.

- I have too much at stake. - (Deeply exhales)

I was just accepted at Yale.

Hey! Congratulations.

I was just wait-listed there.

They didn't reject you?

Now I feel less good about getting in.

(Chuckles)

Thanks.

I'm sorry I didn't get in too.

So, uh... Are you gonna go?

Well, it's between Harvard and Yale.

Well, you are clearly a Harvard man.

I mean, Yale is so "ehh"

and you're so "whoa!" (Laughs nervously)

Teddy, I know what you're doing.

You're trying to talk me out of Yale so that it opens up a spot for you.

That's good Harvard thinking right there.

It's not gonna work.

Well, will you help me with the senior prank?

Ivy was gonna do it, but she's sick.

Okay. Why not?

But I will not participate in any malarkey or monkeyshines.

Those are some big words.

I could have also gone with "poppycock"

or "balderdash."

Okay, we get it. You got into Yale.

Going somewhere?

You forgot your lunch.

Got it right here.

You forgot your homework.

I don't do my homework.

Well, you should. And as punishment, I'm gonna ride your scooter.

- No, you're not. - Why?

Why won't you share with me?

Because, mom, it's bad enough I have a scooter,

but a scooter that I share with my mom?

I'd beat myself up.

Fine.

I won't ride it anymore.

Good. Thank you.

(Sighs deeply)

(Garage door rumbling, creaking)

- (Garage door closes) - (Mouthing)

I can do this all day.

(Garage door closing)

So you're telling jokes at Charlie's preschool?

Yeah.

Why?

Isn't school hard enough on kids?

Look, I just wanna practice some jokes on you.

Just pretend you're four years old.

Oh! Okay.

All right...

How do you make a tissue dance?

You blow your nose in it!

I think it goes "how do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it."

That's what I said.

I may be four, but that's not what you said.

- Try another one. - All right.

Oh! How do you make time fly?

You throw it out the window!

No. No.

No.

To make time fly, you throw a clock out the window.

That's what I said.

Dad, you're not saying the crucial word.

But I heard it inside my head.

Did you hear me laughing inside your head?

You're pretty harsh for a four-year-old.

Dad, you know what you need?

Then all you have to do is read the jokes.

But isn't that cheating?

Let me tell you something my school counselor

once told me... (Sighs)

"Cheating is your only hope."

I wonder what principal Higgins is gonna say

when he walks in and sees all this tomorrow.

Probably something like, "that's a lot of sticky notes."

And it'll all be worth it.

This is really gonna get Ernie's goat.

Well, he's given me so many awards over the years, we've become pretty close.

Ahh! Paper cut.

Ow. Oh!

My mother was right.

Mischief always has repercussions.

Calm down. It's just a little cut.

I need first aid. Did you bring some?

I didn't think it was necessary, given that we're dealing with paper.

It hurts! Do something!

Okay, fine. I have a bandage in my locker.

I'll be right back.

(Hyperventilating)

Hey!

What's going on here?

I can explain.

Let's go.

Where are you taking me?

To the movies.

- (Chuckles) - You have the right to remain silent.

Oh, don't worry. I never talk during the movies.

(Chuckles)

(Sighing) Okay, Victor.

Victor?

Maybe he left a note.

This could take a while.

(Pounding on door)

There you are! What happened?

Where did you go?

Not to the movies. I'll tell you that.

I got arrested.

- What?! - That's right.

Handcuffed, fingerprinted and had my mug shot taken.

You ever been to jail, Teddy?

Super adventure land jail.

Denver county jail is a little different.

It's an adventure.

But it's not super!

I have to go see the principal tomorrow.

If he presses charges, my college admission could be rescinded.

"Rescinded" means "taken away"

for those of you on the wait list.

Victor, I'm so sorry.

Are you? (Scoffs)

I mean, wasn't this all part of your big plan?

What are you talking about?

You set me up!

First you talk me into doing the prank,

then you conveniently disappear just before the police arrived.

So that my arrest would open up a spot for you at Yale.

Okay, Victor, you're babbling.

How much blood did you lose from that paper cut?

Not enough to kill me, if that's what you were hoping for!

Ba-bam!

Oh, what's this?

I got a scooter too.

- Oh, that's great. - Yup!

And now we can ride together.

That's not so great.

Mom, let me explain something to you.

I'm in middle school.

I can't be seen riding side-by-side with my mother.

Look, I bought this so that we could ride together.

- We're gonna ride together. - No, we're not.

- Yes, we are. - No, we're not.

We can go back and forth all night about this, but the bottom line is

we're going on a double scoot.

Fine.

We go to a neighborhood where nobody knows me,

we scoot for no longer than 30 minutes

and if at any point you tell me how cute I look, it's over.

40 minutes and I get one "cute."

35 minutes and you can pinch my cheek.

- Deal. - (Grumbles)

Teddy, we are so proud of you for graduating from Yale.

Aww. Thanks, dad.

But, um, why is it just you and Toby here?

Oh, everybody else was busy in your mom's dream.

Tonight she's starring in her one-woman Broadway show "ba-bamalot."

(Doorbell rings)

Hup, food's here.

Oh. I'll get it.

(Sadly) Pizza delivery.

Victor?

Hello, Teddy.

What?

You're delivering pizza now?

Yes.

After my arrest, no college would take me.

So instead of realizing my destiny of becoming a brilliant scientist,

I work a dead-end job with no hope for the future.

This is awkward.

We didn't order pepperoni.

My life is a disaster, Teddy.

And it's all your fault.

Fault fault...

What are you doing?

I thought the dream was over.

No. I get to say when the dream is over...

(Echoing) Over over over...

(Gasps)

Okay, dad, showtime. All you gotta do is read the cards.

(Exhales) Got it.

Okay, children, we have a real treat for you today.

Let's welcome Charlie's daddy, Mr. Duncan.

Ahh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, anybody here from outta town?

Okay, now for a few jokes.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To make time fly!

Uh, what's black and white and red all over?

To get to the other side.

You know what? They don't get it because they don't know what a newspaper is.

You didn't say "newspaper."

Wrap it up.

Um...

Okay okay okay, look.

The thing is I'm not very good at telling jokes.

We know.

Well...

I guess the truth is some people just aren't funny.

(Yelps)

(Kids laughing)

But I'm not one of those people!

(Laughs)

Told you he was funny.

(School bell rings)

So, what'd you wanna see me about, Ernie?

Uh-uh. Principal Higgins.

I lost first-name privileges?

Are we still on for jazz fest?

No, we are not.

Excuse me, principal Higgins.

Sorry to interrupt.

Look, the senior prank was my idea.

Victor wanted nothing to do with it, but I forced him to help me.

So if you're gonna punish anyone...

Punish me.

I'm okay with that.

I am very disappointed in both of you.

Two of my best students, and all you came up with was sticky notes?

That's pathetic!

So you're not going to press charges?

For what? Lack of creativity?

Next time you pull a prank, put a cow in my office

or glue the furniture to the ceiling.

Something!

Now you're thinking, Ernie.

Stop that.

(Cellphone ringing)

I gotta take this. Now, uh, clean all this up.

Thank you, Teddy.

You didn't have to do that.

Victor, as much as I wanna go to Yale,

I would never do anything to hurt your chances.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Because I'm accepting their offer.

You should.

Yale is lucky to have you.

Thanks.

And I hope you end up getting in too.

That... (Sighs)

...was the north high principal.

You know what his seniors did to him?

They took apart his car and reassembled it in his office!

Now that's a prank!

We're sorry, okay?

What am I supposed to tell him?

"Yeah, things are tough over here too.

I got stickied."

(Exhales) We could trash your office if you want.

That's the least you could do.

(Mimics brakes screeching)

Whoo! This isn't so bad, is it?

17 minutes and counting.

All right. Stop the clock.

I need to find a bathroom.

Well well well.

Gabe Duncan.

Paul, what are you doing on this side of town?

I get around.

I guess the question is what are you doing?

Oh, you know, just nothing.

Hanging out.

By myself.

Hey, wanna see a cute pic?

It's you and your mommy scooting together.

You know, I think that a lot of people would like to see this.

Oh, okay, let's just calm down for a second.

"Post album."

Should I?

No no no.

What do you want, Paul?

I'm tired of walking.

Oh, please take it. This thing has brought me nothing but trouble.

Nice doing business with you.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Delete it first.

(Dings)

Now get outta here.

What happened to your scooter?

- I traded it. - For what?

My reputation.

I'll explain later.

- Need a ride home? - Yeah.

Hop on.

Okay, hold on tight, sweetie.

- And smile. - (Camera shutter clicks)

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

What what? What is it?

It's another email from Yale.

Oh, you want me to...

no!

Mom, you do it.

Okay. (Exhales)

(Key clicks)

You got in.

I got in?

You got in.

(All screaming)

Oh, man! We...

we are so proud of you!

I'm so proud of me too.

(Both laughing)

What about me?

I'm gonna be the mother of a yalie.

You're looking at me again.

No, I didn't...

- Hey! - Yeah!

Well, Charlie, I got into Yale.

(Chuckles) You know, there's actually a lot of famous people that went there.

Several U.S. presidents, supreme court justices and the circle gurgle.

Yep, soon I will be joining that proud lineup.

(Scooter approaching)

Whee! H-hey, Gabe!

I got your scooter back.

- What? - Yeah.

Big brother to the rescue.

Saw that punk and just took it from him.

Yeah.

He was not happy about it.

(Chuckles) Yeah, thank you, but there's just one problem.

That's not my scooter.

- I'll be right back. - Yeah.

Whee!

Wish him good luck, Charlie.

There she is.

The toast of Broadway.

You were magnificent tonight.

(Sighs) Great, listen, I'm gonna need you both in my dream tomorrow night.

Mm, no can do, mom. I gotta be in Gabe's dream tomorrow night.

He's getting chased by monsters and I do not wanna miss that.

And I have to be in my own dream.

I'm giving a book report in front of my second-grade class

- in my underwear. - Hey hey hey!

Let's bring this back to me, okay? This is my dream.

Where is Gabe anyway?

(Groans) Sorry we're late.

Mrs. Dabney was having that nightmare again.

We?

How many of you are there?

3,000.

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