Original subtitles

Subs created by: David Coleman.

What is this?

- Ooh ooh! I know! - Wait.

- I want Gabe to answer. - Aw.

Uh... It's a plate.

Wrong.

Whoa. That'll teach me to get cocky.

It's a dirty plate, which you were supposed to put in the dishwasher.

Now come on! How easy is that?

If it's so easy, why didn't you do it?

Now the plate's all the way out here and that one's on you.

You know what, Mister?

You just bought yourself a ticket to a weekend of yard work.

Take care of the plate.

He's really been on my case lately.

I don't know what to do about it.

Well...

You could put that plate in the dishwasher.

Yeah, but then he wins.

Brother man, you should do what I did.

Get your own apartment.

Dude, I'm 13.

Well, then we're back to the plate.

Oh hey!

I got an idea. How about I come stay at your place this weekend?

Oh, yeah, sure. Why not? Emmett's out of town. Should be fun.

- Hey, can I bring Jake? - Sure.

All right, this is great.

Since I'm not here, I don't have to do yard work.

And then guess who wins?

( Sighs )

- I do. - Yeah yeah... No, I know. I was just...

Got nervous after the whole plate thing.

Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?"

I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

I've been there, I survived.

So just take my advice.

Hang in there, baby things are crazy.

But I know your future's bright.

Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.

Everything turns out all right.

Sure life is up and down.

But trust me, it comes back around.

You're gonna love who you turn out to be.

Hang in there, baby.

Spencer, how are you not understanding this?

I just... I just don't see what the big deal is.

Okay okay. Let me break this down one more time.

So, I had just done my big performance in drama class.

And then, that horrible Ashley walks up to me and she says...

"Looks like you're really having fun out there."

I still don't see why that's so bad.

She was totally insulting me!

But... By saying you had fun?

Yes, that's what you say when somebody's performance stinks.

Everybody knows that.

Teddy, it just seems like you're making a big deal out of nothing.

Oh yeah? Yeah?

Well, it seems like you're making nothing out of a big deal!

Yeah, that's what I meant to say.

Okay.

Who put all of Toby's stuffed animals on the porch?

Gabe.

Aw.

She pinned her first crime on me.

- What am I gonna do about this? - About what?

Charlie. She still doesn't like Toby.

This has been going on for months. I thought she'd be over it by now.

Mom, some things take time.

I mean, I still don't like Charlie.

Teddy doesn't like me. PJ doesn't like Teddy.

It's what makes us a family.

Gabe, I wanted this time to be different.

After all, Toby is gonna be my last baby.

Mm-hmm.

( Knocking on door )

PJ: Come on in.

- Hey. - Hey.

So. This is where you live, huh?

Yep.

Well, it's still beats doing yard work.

Hey, Gabe's brother.

- What's up? - Hey.

- What happened to Jake? - He was busy, so...

I called a couple of other kids and, uh...

They weren't able to make it either, so...

Here's Logan.

I'm often the last choice.

Charlie, I bought you a present.

Mm! Isn't it cute?

Ohh. Here you go.

Now, the first thing we need to do is name him.

Right, now what's a really good name for a sweet little baby boy?

Oh, well, there's... Joby...

Or Kobe, or...

- Toby. - Toby!

That's a great idea. ( Chuckles )

So now when mommy's taking care of her baby you can take care of your baby.

I'm going to pick up my Toby and give him a hug.

Hello, little man.

Hello.

Ooh, big hug. Yeah.

And you're gonna give your Toby a big hug.

Amy: Oh.

Mommy shoots... ( Clicks teeth ) She scores.

( Giggling )

( Doorbell rings )

Hey, Spence. Flowers, huh?

Yeah. I really owe Teddy an apology.

For what?

I have no idea.

Luckily for you, I do. You know what? Step into my office.

Okay. Look.

The reason she got mad at you is that you didn't get upset about nothing.

- Yeah, but it was nothing, right? - Well, of course it was nothing.

- Well, I mean you know that. - Yeah.

I know that.

We're talking about the female of the species.

Okay? A highly irrational creature.

Fortunately for you, after 20 long years of marriage, I am kind of an expert.

Okay. Look. The key...

Is that you gotta let Teddy think that you care about...

All this stuff that's not worth caring about.

Look, when they have an issue, like, like...

- Like Teddy did yesterday... - Mm.

You just don't react.

You overreact.

- So how do I do that? - I'll show you. Okay.

- You know what, you be Teddy. - Okay.

- I'll be you. All right. - Yeah.

- Get mad about something. - Okay. Um.

A girl at school didn't like my hair.

What?!

How could someone not like your hair?!

- You have the best hair ever. - Well, hey, calm down.

No, I can't! You know what? It just... It just...

It just burns me because your hair is so awesome.

- How do you feel? - Like you really care about my hair.

And...

I couldn't care less.

Oh, Mr. Duncan. This is really good stuff.

Isn't it? Hey, you know the beauty of this is, it works every time.

Except the next time.

Okay, here comes a skateboarder.

All right, wait for it.

Wait for it.

Now.

Oh yes!

Oh. Looking up. Looking up!

Pizza's here.

- Hey, what are you guys doing? - Dropping water balloons.

Come on, it's your turn.

Quick. There's two old ladies coming. Come on.

You guys cannot be dropping water balloons.

- Well, why not? - Because I live here.

And I want to keep living here. And what is with the tent?

It's a sleepover.

You can't have a sleepover without a tent.

All right, well.

We'll take this.

Hey, guys. That pizza's for all of us.

Hey, let's make some prank phone calls.

Oh, come on. Prank phone calls? You guys are 13 years old.

Are you really... ( Cell phone ringing ) Oh, hang on.

Hello?

No my butt is not on fire. Who is this?

( Laughing )

Boys, quiet. I'm on the phone.

Teddy, Spencer's here.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, no no. You didn't let me finish.

Spencer's here talking with your father.

About what?

That's the interesting part.

Yeah. I just overheard Dr. Bob...

Professor of Womanology...

Explain to Spencer that the best way of handling us gals

is to pretend to care about stuff that isn't worth caring about.

Really? Well, if I know Spencer, he said that that was ridiculous.

Well, you don't know Spencer.

I believe his exact words were...

"This is really good stuff, Mr. Duncan."

( Chuckles )

Huh.

Well, I think I need to have a little chat with my fella.

No no no no.

We do not handle these things with communication.

Come on, Teddy. We get revenge.

First on Spencer...

Then on Dr. Bob.

Oh, I see Dr. Amy's in the house.

Mm-hmm.

And she's about to administer 10 CC's of ba-bam.

( Video game explosions )

Oh!

Hey, guys? Volume.

Oh, he's right. Let's crank it up.

No. Turn it down.

- What? - Down.

I can't hear myself think.

No one's ever heard you think.

You know what? That is it. I have had enough of you two.

No more video games.

- What? - No more video games.

I'm trying to study for a test.

- What are we supposed to do? - I don't care, as long as it's quiet.

Man, I thought you said your brother was fun.

He used to be.

Before he turned into dad.

What did you just say, Mister?

Now you even sound like him.

You know, I came over here to get away from him, not to be with dad junior.

I am not dad junior.

And you just bought yourself a ticket to doing the dishes.

- We used paper plates. - And I want them spotless.

Mary Lou, I should be a child psychologist.

Really.

I gave Charlie a Toby doll and she loves it.

And pretty soon she'll feel the same way about the real Toby.

I'm telling you, it's brilliant.

One day it will simply be known as "the Duncan method."

Let me call you back.

( Phone beeps )

Charlie?

Did you mistake the trash can for a magical doll house?

No.

I'm not two.

Oh, Charlie.

Why don't you love baby Toby? He loves you so much.

- How do you know? - Because he told me.

He can't talk.

Or can he?

What are you looking at?

Yes... No, I understand that I lost the receipt, but I never wore them,

so why can't I take them back?

But that's a stupid policy!

Nev... Never mind.

( Groans )

What was that all about?

I bought these running shoes, but they were in the wrong size

and now the stupid store won't let me return them.

Oh well. What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get angry!

How dare they treat you like that?!

- What? - I can't believe this.

Who was the idiot you were dealing with?

Uh, I think it was someone named Sam?

Oh, Sam must have a brain the size of a walnut.

Spencer, honey. Just calm down.

No, I can't calm down, all right? Because I am so furious with this Sam!

I am disgusted by Sam.

I am so glad you feel this way.

I'm gonna get my keys.

Wait.

( Stammers )

What are you getting your keys for?

Because we are going down to that store and you're gonna give Sam

a piece of my mind!

What just happened?

I don't know.

We're in uncharted territory.

- What do I do now? - I don't know.

We're in uncharted territory.

( Toby cooing )

Amy: Psst.

Hey, Charlie.

Who said that?

It's me, Toby.

Come here.

You can talk?

Just to you.

Charlie?

You're my favorite in the whole family.

- Really? - Yeah.

I love you, Charlie.

Do you love me too?

Yes.

That is so...

Goody.

Now remember, this is our very special secret.

Just for us. Don't tell anyone.

Okay?

Okay.

( Mouths words )

Hi, Charlie.

Toby talks.

You know, there's no reason to cause a scene.

I think we made our point just by showing up.

Yes, hi. We'd like to speak to Sam. We have a problem.

I'm Sam.

What seems to be the problem?

No problem. ( Chuckles )

But you just said there was a problem.

No, uh, no. She said it.

Come on, Spencer. Tell him what you told me.

Gosh. Who can remember?

He said you have a brain the size of a walnut.

Excuse me?

Uh.

To be fair, I've seen some pretty large walnuts.

And... And he said that he was disgusted by you.

But then I walked it back to just furious.

Is there anything else you'd like to say to me

before I take you into the break room?

Where I will break you.

Ah, wait. Uh, look. I didn't mean any of the things I said.

See, I took some bad advice from her father, and uh, I was really stupid.

And I am very sorry.

Please don't break me.

- Heard enough, Teddy? - Thanks, Sam. I'm good.

Cool. Hope I didn't scare you too much, little guy.

What just happened?

Oh, what just happened was I, the woman...

Taught you, the idiot, a lesson.

- So you heard everything? - My mom did.

Oh.

Look, I promise I'll never take advice from your father again.

Everyone gets there eventually.

Oh, uh, thanks again, Sam.

Hey, how do you guys know each other?

Oh, he's in my community theater group. Great job.

Thanks, Teddy. And you...

Really looked like you were having fun out there.

Well, that hurt.

There she is.

The woman I love.

These are for you.

Hmm. What's the occasion?

There has to be an occasion?

Can't a man give the love of his life flowers just because?

Heard about the shoe store?

Yes, I did.

Please accept the flowers.

Hmm. No thanks.

Oh, come on, honey.

Honey.

Come on.

I don't really believe any of that stuff that I was telling Spencer.

And you know what? Since Teddy taught him a lesson...

I don't really need you to teach me a lesson.

You're afraid, aren't you, Bob?

Uh-huh.

Well, I accept your apology.

So we're... We're good?

Oh. I'm sorry, Bob.

Things are already in motion.

Things?

Oh, come on. What kind of things?

I wish I could help you, but it's out of my hands.

Gabe's voice: When did you turn into dad?

( Echoing ) Into dad? Into dad?

PJ's voice: How come when you hear things in your head they always have an echo?

( Echoing ) An echo? An echo?

I am not turning into dad.

I just have a lot of responsibilities.

School, a job, a future to worry about.

Those kids have no idea how hard I work.

Oh, man.

I am turning into dad.

Hey, guys.

Wake up. ( Groans )

- Get up. - Gabe: What?

- It's three in the morning. - Get your shoes on.

We are going for a little trip.

I'm gonna show you guys that I'm still fun, and childish and totally immature.

He's back!

( Chuckling )

What do you think?

- Now let's get mom. - Go.

Wouldn't do that if I were you.

Let's not get mom.

- Hi, Mrs. Duncan. - Get out of my bedroom, Logan.

( Chuckles )

Okay, honey.

Well done.

Lesson learned.

What are you talking about?

This. Isn't this your revenge?

Drawing on your face?

Does that sound like me, Teddy?

It's doesn't, mom.

Hmm.

So there's more?

( Chuckles ) More?

It hasn't even started.

Oh.

Teddy, turn the camera on.

Hey, Charlie. Well, uh, I wasn't really planning on doing a video diary right now,

but mom told me to turn the camera on, so something is up.

Bob: Ooh, donuts!

( Explosion )

Exploding donuts.

That's...

Lesson learned.

- Okay, are we done now? - Oh.

Yes.

With phase one.

Oh, man.

Wish me good luck, Charlie.

Okay, PJ. Now I know you've been resenting your sister for some time now.

So I bought you something to help you finally get over it.

Open your eyes.

- What is it? - It's a Teddy doll.

Go ahead. Pull the string.

You're the best big brother ever.

Aw.

This is so sweet.

I'm so glad you moved out.

That wasn't quite as nice.

I never really liked you.

I'm made of plastic and I'm still smarter than you.

This is the worst gift ever.

Oh.

Okay that's it you're going back to the store.

You're beautiful. Are you an actress?

Okay, I'm going to give you one more shot.

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