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1
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♪ Ah
2
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,040
♪ Don't let them go
3
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,080
♪ Don't let them go
4
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:11,200
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show
5
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,320
♪ Don't let them go
6
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,360
♪ Don't let them go
7
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,920
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it glow
8
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,960
♪ Glow, glow, glow, glow
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,840
♪ Na na na na na... ♪
10
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,920
Simon, your new flat is out
of this world! I love it!
11
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,560
It's not a flat. It's an
apartment. And I love the lift.
12
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,480
It's so nice to be in one what
don't smell of piss for a change.
13
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,200
It's not a lift, it's an elevator.
14
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,280
I don't look like a bit
of a tit in this hat, do I?
15
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,280
It's not a hat, it's a fascinator.
Oh, answer the question, knobhead.
16
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,320
You look heavenly.
17
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,240
I still say feathers are too
much for a spot of light shopping.
18
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,920
They're not feathers, they're plumes.
19
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,320
They're feathers! They're plumes!
20
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,120
I should bloody know, Mother.
I'm the one that stole them.
21
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,480
SIMON: 'Since the demise of Take
That a couple of years previously,
22
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:57,680
'there was a gap in the
market for a new boy band,
23
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,400
'and Kylie and I knew just
the people to fill it...'
24
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,360
Oi! Look at these two mincing knobheads!
25
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,120
BOY BAND POP MUSIC
26
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,360
'...though we had competition in the
form of the school's resident girl group,
27
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,520
'spearheaded by none other than
my very own pregnant sister.'
28
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,680
FEMALE SINGS R&B MUSIC
29
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,160
'Work it, girls!'
30
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,120
♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now
31
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,640
♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now
32
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,160
♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now
33
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,920
♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now
34
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,360
♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now
35
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,920
♪ Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now. ♪
36
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,120
You is one hot mover, girlfriend.
37
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,440
Ashlene, who taught
you to dance like that?
38
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,240
It's Shaznay now. So don't
give me that "Ashlene" shit.
39
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:43,280
Face facts, Simon - you ain't the only
one in our house that can freestyle.
40
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,960
Yeah, but it's not a good
look in a maternity smock.
41
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,000
Anyway, bambaclarts, you
can't be in no boy band, is it?
42
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,840
There's only two of you.
43
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,800
Check it out, check it out, freestyle!
44
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,720
There were only two in Robson & Jerome.
45
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,920
Two too many. THEY LAUGH
46
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,240
Mind you, Robson Green's
quite fit in Touching Cloth.
47
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,080
Evil.
48
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,840
It's Touching Evil.
49
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,640
What's your girl band called? All Souls.
50
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:06,920
Arseholes, more like.
51
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,640
And what are you? The Pink Ladies?
52
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:12,240
Actually, we're called E-Male.
Cos we think it's gonna be huge.
53
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,600
She-male, more like.
54
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,360
CAR ENGINE REVS Oh, my God! Look!
55
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,760
'And cue hot teacher.'
56
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,600
♪ Ding-a-dong, every hour
When you pick a flower
57
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,000
♪ Even when your lover
is gone, gone... ♪
58
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,440
You all right, sir?
59
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,480
♪...Ding-a-dong,
listen to it... ♪
60
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:30,840
Right back at you, Shaznay.
61
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,120
He's fabulous. Pedagogue
of the Year or what!
62
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,640
What's with the dodgy sounds, guy?
63
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,240
Teach-In.
64
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,760
1975?
65
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,600
A vintage year for Eurovision.
66
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:42,640
DING!
67
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,760
'Mr Carr, our music teacher,
68
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,000
'eschewed the likes of
Beethoven, Mahler and Stravinsky
69
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,600
'to concentrate on his
favourite musical area.'
70
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,120
Number seven.
71
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,440
If you want to win the Eurovision Song
Contest, you've got to have a gimmick.
72
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:02,320
Katja Ebstein and her clown
backing singers in 1980.
73
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,200
Peter, Sue and Marc playing
a variety of gardening tools,
74
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,960
including the watering can,
hose and plastic bag, in '79.
75
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,120
Linda Wagenmakers,
76
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,480
having her backing singers hiding
under her voluminous skirtage.
77
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,880
'I don't know how he knew that. It
didn't happen for another two years.'
78
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,120
What are these all
fine examples of? The...
79
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,920
ALL: Eurovision gimmick.
80
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,680
Bollocks. TITTERING
81
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,480
What's the rule on swearing, Jayeson?
82
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,080
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Sometimes
I get Eurovision Tourette's.
83
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,400
TITTERING
84
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,080
'And while we were getting acquainted
85
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,000
'with the ins and outs
of Eurovision glory,
86
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,920
'my dad was bonding
with our new neighbour.'
87
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
MUSIC: "Madama Butterfly" by Puccini
88
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,800
HE SNIFFLES She touches
your soul, you know?
89
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,440
Your heart.
90
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,600
The pain of it!
91
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,720
I'm more of a
four-to-the-floor man.
92
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,560
She takes you...to the brink
93
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,520
and makes you stare into the abyss.
94
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,360
Northern soul.
95
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,480
Hard house, techno, trance.
96
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,120
God, what a tragic life she had!
97
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,240
Why? What happened to her? I've no idea.
98
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,760
But that is not the voice of
someone who's a stranger to a smack.
99
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,960
My better half's into opera.
100
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,480
I can't get me head
around Three Blind Mice.
101
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,960
MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO
102
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,880
OK. Well done in your spot
test, guys. See you tomorrow.
103
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,000
Sir? Yes, Simon?
104
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:41,720
Sir...we've written this song, right?
Body Pop 'Til You Drop (Don't Stop).
105
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,120
The "Don't Stop" is in
brackets. That was my idea.
106
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,360
Cool title.
107
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,520
And we really want to enter the
Eurovision with it next year.
108
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,200
But...I think we need your help.
109
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,720
Hit me with a bit of the
tune. KYLIE CLEARS THROAT
110
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,480
♪ Body pop 'til you drop
111
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,560
♪ Don't stop
112
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,960
♪ Ah, body pop
113
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,600
♪ Body pop 'til you drop
114
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:01,640
♪ I said, what?
115
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,160
♪ Ah, body pop
116
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,560
♪ Body pop 'til you drop
117
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:05,600
♪ Nice top!
118
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,280
♪ Ah, body pop And we
all come boogieing down
119
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,320
♪ Yeah. ♪
120
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,640
And what's your gimmick?
121
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,000
Duh! We're 14.
122
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,680
Boys, you've got a deal.
123
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,520
'With our new manager, we knew
it was only a matter of time
124
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:23,160
'before...we had a record
deal, international celebrity
125
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,800
'and the all-important pop video.'
126
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,320
♪ Body pop 'til you drop
127
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,720
♪ I said, what? Ah, body pop
128
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,040
♪ Body pop 'til you drop
129
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,040
♪ Nice top Ah, body pop... ♪
130
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,160
ROBOTIC VOICE: #...Body pop
'til you drop, don't stop
131
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,840
♪ I said body pop, body pop... ♪
132
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,480
'My mum, meanwhile, wasn't
choosing her words so carefully.'
133
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,440
I hear you're getting
on really well with Andy.
134
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,800
Yeah. He's the nuts.
135
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,440
Well, he's a man's man, darling.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
136
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,080
Yeah. Yeah, he's a right laugh.
137
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,200
He said to come over one
night, have a nice nosh-off.
138
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:53,920
'She did, of course, mean "nosh-up".'
139
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,680
You'd be so impressed with
what he can do with a chicken.
140
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,440
The secret's in the stuffing.
141
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,880
I have to say, of all
the guys I've ever met,
142
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,560
he really knows what he's
doing in a spit roast situation.
143
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,200
I've got a partner.
144
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:09,080
Well, then why don't you both come over?
I can't wait to meet her! Say, 8 o'clock?
145
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,200
No, actually, she... As you were.
146
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,560
I've never seen his missus. Have you?
147
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,640
Maybe she's claustrophobic. Agoraphobic.
148
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,160
Aquaphobic!
149
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,360
Oh, is this a word game? I
don't know how many more I know.
150
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,920
Bosnophobic! What's that mean?
151
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,280
People who are scared of Bosnia?
152
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,000
Maybe he keeps his missus
locked up in a cellar.
153
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,200
BOTH LAUGH
154
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,960
Do you remember we met that
couple when we were off on holiday
155
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,720
and we thought they were a bit weird?
156
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,160
Oh, yeah.
157
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:42,760
What? You actually...bury
people under the floorboards?
158
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,600
DEBBIE LAUGHS
159
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,920
Oh, Fred, Rose, you are
officially hilarious!
160
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,600
BOTH LAUGH
161
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,720
Oh, I wonder whatever happened to them.
162
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,240
Feck knows.
163
00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:00,480
You send a couple of Christmas cards to
people, and they never write back and...
164
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,440
Uh...could you...?
165
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,400
What?
166
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,920
I've got me hand stuck. Oh. Come here.
167
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,800
Ooh, it's jammed tight,
innit? Oh, I know.
168
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,480
Blimey, And! What have you
stuffed it with, superglue?
169
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,000
Loctite! No!
170
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,240
No
- garlic, lemon and bay leaves.
171
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,320
Ow! Watch what you're doing, weirdos!
172
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,680
ANDY AND DEBBIE LAUGH Sorry, babe.
173
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,480
So you should be! I've
only just done my make-up.
174
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:29,760
You're not serving that?
175
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,080
You could eat your dinner
off that floor, Ashlene.
176
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,000
We might have to, if I can't
loosen up the lazy Susan.
177
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,880
Oh, it's not packed up again, has
it?I'll get the baby oil onto it.
178
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,640
Is Shanice there, please? It's Ashlene.
179
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,400
Does my arse look good in these jeans?
180
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,680
Dad! Don't ask me questions
like that, you big perv!
181
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,680
Shut up! Or I'll throw a turkey
at you. I was asking your ma.
182
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,640
Yeah, it looks nice, darling. Mm-hm.
183
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,160
Now, I'm gonna get ready.
184
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,080
I might test-drive my new
cleavage-enhancing body glitter tonight.
185
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,400
Our new neighbour's missus
might be a bit of a dolly bird.
186
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,480
I mean, when I look at him,
I kind of get the feeling
187
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,760
his girlfriend wouldn't look
out of place in Legs & Co.
188
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,280
Great!
189
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,200
Are you right, babe?
What took you so long?
190
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,880
Eugh! Did you wash your hands?
191
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,640
Do you fancy a sleepover tonight?
192
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,280
Work out some more dance moves
to Body Pop 'Til You Drop?
193
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,600
Don't stop! I'll get my
people to speak to your people.
194
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,720
Do you think... we
ever will be pop stars?
195
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,360
Course we will, girlfriend!
196
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,080
E-Male are going to be huge.
197
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,520
Then we'll have houses in London...
198
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,280
Paris, New York...
199
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,800
and La.
200
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,520
It's pronounced L-A.
201
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,440
And we won't just move
amongst the beautiful people.
202
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,560
We'll be the beautiful people.
203
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,960
What?
204
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,680
Isn't that Mr Carr's Ka car?
205
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,160
I doubt it. What would
he be doing round here?
206
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,080
He's fabulous. Mmm.
207
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,280
I'll be over in a bit. Bybes.
208
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,800
What?
209
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,920
Well, I would say, "Bye,
babes," but I'm far too busy.
210
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,560
So I shortened it to "bybes".
211
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,280
Bybes!Bybes!
212
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,040
You're joking, ain't you? She's
got more arms than an octopus.
213
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,880
I is defo gettin' rid of it. You get me?
214
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,400
DEBBIE:What do you think?
215
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,480
Ooh! I've always loved your
puppies. The glitter, cheeky chops.
216
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,000
Oh, I could just put my face
between them and go b-b-b-b-b-b-b!
217
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,440
Dad! ANDY AND DEBBIE LAUGH
218
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,120
Oh, you'll put his old
boiler to shame.Oh, bless.
219
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,440
SHE SIGHS
220
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,280
You all right? Fine.
221
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,400
Missing Hayley?
222
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,360
She's broadening her horizons, And.
223
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,720
No mean feat when you can't see
a hand in front of your face.
224
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,240
Which wine are you
serving with that, lover?
225
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,160
Well, it's chicken and
mushroom, so I was thinking...
226
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,520
A nice chicken and mushroom
wine. Got it in one, honey bun.
227
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,600
Oi, Simon, hands off my nibbles.
228
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,960
Mother?
229
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,160
What have you done to your
hair? I've scrunch-dried it. Why?
230
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,080
Have you wiped car wax on your bust?
231
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,880
It's body glitter!
232
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,960
How '70s of you! Oh!
233
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,880
Who have you got coming
round, John Travolta?
234
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,880
Oh, I wish!
235
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,640
Uh, that new bloke from
over the road and his missus.
236
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,200
God, you're so suburban! Well,
what do you want us to be?
237
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,120
Sophisticated?
Intellectual? Interesting?
238
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,040
We're all of those
things to the max, lover.
239
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,480
I think you'd better add
"deluded" to that list.
240
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,320
Oh, you might be wanting this.
241
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,800
To chuck your car keys in.
242
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,320
Oh, no! You don't have a car
- you have a van!
243
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,960
How working-class.
244
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,560
Angel Wings in Year 8 said
it's like crapping a football.
245
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:23,720
I know. The shame!
246
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,480
DOORBELL RINGS
247
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,720
Oh, my God! You are never gonna
believe who's just walked up your path.
248
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,800
Lily Savage from Blankety
Blank?! Better than that.
249
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,520
Wotcha, Ross!
250
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,200
Ross, me old buddy. How's it hanging?
251
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,360
Uh, to the left, I think. ALL LAUGH
252
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,600
Outrageous! So, where is she?
253
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,640
Uh, I don't think you've
met my better half, Nathan.
254
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,840
Hiya. Oh, my God. You're...very welcome.
255
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,000
Oh, welcome. Welcome.
256
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,720
What's that on your hand, mate?
257
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,240
Oh, uh...got me fist
stuck in a chicken before.
258
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,600
Yeah, right up to the elbow,
he was. She had to yank me off!
259
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,160
The things you do when you've
got the neighbours coming round!
260
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,280
Anyway, pop through me portals,
as the actress said to the bishop.
261
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,120
Oh, isn't he handsome, eh, Ross?
262
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,800
Oh, he'll do.
263
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,800
Sorry, uh, these are
for you. Oh! Look, And.
264
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,760
Oh, he's a bit funny about flowers.
265
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,320
Sometimes I like them,
sometimes I don't.
266
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,760
I guess you could say
he swings both ways.
267
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,560
You all right, Andy? You
look a bit...Oh, you just...
268
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,360
I didn't have you down as
the sort of guy who was, um...
269
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,040
...would wear a cut-off
lumberjack shirt.
270
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,920
SHE CHUCKLES Come through.
271
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,720
Hello, Mr Carr! What are you doing here?
272
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,240
Simon! Oh, my God. Ross!
273
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,200
These are the two live
wires I was talking about.
274
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,720
Mr Carr's our music
teacher. Slash, manager.
275
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,640
Simon, I thought you
were having a sleepover.
276
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,760
Well, sleepovers are for kids. We may
as well join you in the dinner party.
277
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,960
Yeah, I'm starving, girlfriend!
278
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,080
I could eat a baby's leg
through the bars of a playpen.
279
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,000
CRASH! Watch me knick-knacks, Kylie!
280
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,800
How many times? If you boys
want to do high kicks...
281
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,760
DEBBIE AND BOYS:...do
them in the living room.
282
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,000
Thank you.
283
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,560
Uh! This is grown-up time. But, Mum!
284
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,400
Andy, could you take Ross and Nathan's
beautiful gifts, please? Merci beaucoup.
285
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,280
With pleasure. De nada.
286
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,640
Why are you speaking like
that? It's sophisticated.
287
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,240
Now, shift your arse
back up them stairs.
288
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,800
Oh, my God. Mr Carr's
here. And he's a gay.
289
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,640
Shall we follow through?
290
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,640
I do find a lazy Susan a
real plus at a dinner party.
291
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,280
Or Bar Mitzvah. Oh. Are you Jewish?
292
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,360
Ergonomically speaking,
no. Psycho-spiritually, yes.
293
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:26,160
Debbie, Debbie, guess
what Ross's surname is.
294
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,480
Kemp. He said so earlier.
Keep your hair on, Andy.
295
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,760
Kemp! His name is Ross Kemp! HE LAUGHS
296
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,920
Yeah. Cos I sound like him, it can lead
to some tricky situations on the phone.
297
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:38,480
He does it on purpose. Phoning
up the library, ordering gay porn.
298
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,920
I've done it once. Don't exaggerate.
299
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,640
Saying Rebekah Wade will pick
it up. You thought it was funny.
300
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,720
Making me wear chicken
fillets and a red curly wig...
301
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,560
Get a life! And a decent face!
Don't raise your voice like that.
302
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,960
How should I? FALSETTO:
Like this? Drop dead, yeah?
303
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,600
I wouldn't give you the
satisfaction. You never have, dear.
304
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,720
The only thing you've given me is warts!
305
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,200
HE LAUGHS
306
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,840
The way yous two argue is hilarious!
307
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:06,960
Sir? Oh, Simon.
308
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:11,760
Mr Carr's on his night off. He don't
want to be reminded of school tonight.
309
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,000
Do you, lover? Well...
310
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,160
We've worked out a new dance
routine for Body Pop 'Til You Drop.
311
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,200
Don't stop.
312
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,880
Maybe in a bit, Simon. Yeah, Simon...
313
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,880
My mum's hair isn't
usually like that.Simon!
314
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,560
What are you looking at?
Have I got a welly on me head?
315
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,640
He's got some front, ain't he?
316
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,560
Oh, I know, Ross. More
front than Woolworths.
317
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,840
ASHLENE SWITCHES ON TV
318
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,320
MUSIC ON TV: Theme
from "Coronation Street"
319
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,360
Ashlene!
320
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,520
Shaznay! We're having a dinner party!
321
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,920
ASHLENE:All right, sir? NATHAN:Shaznay!
322
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,640
Ashlene.I had no idea we lived
next door to so many of my students.
323
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,280
I'm surprised you're
not hyperventilating.
324
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,640
Why would I be hyperventilating?
Panicking they'll out you on Monday.
325
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,080
That's a bit unfair, Ross.
ASHLENE:I won't tell no-one.
326
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,440
I'm really knowledgeable
about gay stuff and shit.
327
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,040
So, which one of you is the
bloke and who's the bitch?
328
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,200
Ashlene!
329
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,880
Forgive my daughter, Mr Carr.
330
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,840
Pregnancy-wise, her
hormones are cock-a-hoop!
331
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,720
I can't believe Mr Carr's...
332
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,080
I know. It's so embarrassing.
333
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,200
Eugh! His fella's vile.
334
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,480
A veritable Neanderthal.
335
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,000
SIMON SIGHS
336
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,320
Let's split them up.
337
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,760
Ross tells me that you have
a... a blind lady living here.
338
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,280
My best mate, Hayley.
339
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,840
And where is she tonight?
340
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,760
Oh, you know. Out
somewhere...being blind.
341
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,640
ALL LAUGH Andrew.
342
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,120
She's on a holiday with the
visually impaired drop-in centre.
343
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,240
They're doing an anticlockwise tour of
the cathedral cities of Great Britain.
344
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,480
She's an intellectual.
345
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,000
I think I may have some more gravy.
346
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,240
Man gravy.
347
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,720
Ross! You'll balloon.
348
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,920
That holiday's a
rip-off, if you ask me.
349
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,640
They're just gonna drive them around the
M25. How will they know the difference?
350
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,600
I might pop outside for a
cigarette. You coming, Andy?
351
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,200
No. It's just the way
I'm sitting. BOTH LAUGH
352
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,560
Ross, that is so rude.
353
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,920
Don't be daft. You can smoke in here.
354
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,720
Ashlene, get Ross the Raquel from
Coronation Street ashtray, please.
355
00:14:58,760 --> 00:14:59,800
I'm pregnant!
356
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,240
It's all right, Debs.
I like smoking outside.
357
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,320
Oh, go on. I'll join you.
358
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,400
ANDY SQUEALS AND LAUGHS Hilarious!
359
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,400
Why is it all gay men
are so good-looking?
360
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,960
I mean, look at Elton John.
361
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,480
Or Christopher Biggins.
362
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,000
Or Michael Barrymore.
Now, he's a dishy devil.
363
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,160
So, where's your
so-called boyfriend, then?
364
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,680
Uh...
365
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,600
Sir? What do you think
of these for outfits?
366
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,080
Simon, have you been cutting
up my old mesh vests again?
367
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,560
How many times have I told
you? Oh, Simon, I meant to say.
368
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,560
Guess what's happening in
Birmingham on May the 9th?
369
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,880
There's...gonna be a lot
of people walking around
370
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,480
with really funny accents?
371
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,720
The Eurovision Song Contest.
372
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,080
And I've got three tickets to see
the dress rehearsal. You want to come?
373
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,520
Oh, my giddy aunt! That is
so generous of you, Mr Carr.
374
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,760
Is it OK? OK? They'll be over the moon.
375
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,200
What do you say, Simon? A
little bit of wee came out.
376
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,720
Simon, stop showing off. Who's
representing us this year?
377
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,800
God, Mother! Don't you know anything?
378
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,840
Imaani. Er, Where Are You? Our
first ever black representative.
379
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,960
Exciting. Oh, he sounds lovely.
380
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,920
Oh, he is a she. A bit
like the Israeli entry.
381
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,880
They've got a transsexual
representing them.
382
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,520
Oh, Mr Carr, don't we
live in an exciting world?
383
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,400
Should I put Imaani on the boogie box?
384
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,160
Yeah, go on, Simon. Wouldn't
mind sampling a little snatch.
385
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,680
Speak for yourself. BOTH LAUGH
386
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,240
Um, actually, I've got to go
and, er...shake my lettuce.
387
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,520
Apologies in advance for
the musical toilet seat.
388
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,280
My husband has avant-garde ideas
about hygienic home decoration.
389
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,960
What does it play? ALL: Yellow River.
390
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,360
Do much sport, Andy, do you?
391
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,920
Oh, the odd bit of
football. Sunday league.
392
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,440
Why do you ask?
393
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,040
Oh, I can't tell whether
that's fat or muscle.
394
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,560
What?
395
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,080
That.
396
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,600
Oh, no, it's muscle.
397
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,520
(LAUGHS) I don't believe you.
398
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,680
Look, feel that, mate.
That is not flab. Huh?
399
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,120
God, you are quite firm, aren't you?
400
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,080
30 press-ups a day, thank you.
401
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,160
Wow.
402
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,680
Er...
403
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,080
Ross?
404
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,720
Mmm...sleepy bunny.
405
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,960
Th-That's actually my penis
you've got your hand on.
406
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,320
Got a problem with that?
407
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,040
Too feckin' right.
408
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,040
You know what you are, darling? Pissed?
409
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,040
That chicken and mushroom wine's lethal.
410
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,440
A prick tease.
411
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,840
♪ I would drive through
the rain To find you
412
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,320
♪ Walk a desert plain Behind you
413
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,480
♪ You could unlock... ♪
414
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,680
Oh, look! Mr Carr, I can do the splits!
415
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,840
Put it away, love.
416
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,840
Eh?Look...
417
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,520
This wasn't such a good
idea. We'd best be off.
418
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,640
Oi, twat! We're going!
419
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,080
Nathan? What is it?
420
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,200
What is it?! Could someone help me up?
421
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,120
NATHAN:What were you doing?!
ROSS: He had his fly stuck!
422
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,360
DOOR SLAMS
423
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,160
Oh, well. Look on the bright side.
424
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,120
There's not many blokes can say
they've been felt up by Ross Kemp.
425
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,080
I wouldn't be so sure. He was
all over me like dermatitis.
426
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:16,160
Is that your cousin?
Dermot Itis? Debbie...
427
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,480
Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. But that's the
funniest thing I've heard in years.
428
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,320
Oh, shut up. If it was a woman
coming on to me, you'd be fuming.
429
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,880
You'd be wanting to poke
her eyes out. And mine.
430
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,920
And you wouldn't stop there. Not
if the carving knife was close by.
431
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,400
Yeah, but it wasn't a woman, was
it, Andy? It was our gay neighbour.
432
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,600
Our "gaybour", if you like. BOTH CHUCKLE
433
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,720
CLATTERING ROSS: Nathan!
434
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,360
NATHAN:I never want to see
you again as long as I live!
435
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,760
ROSS: Nathan, what is it?
436
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,560
NATHAN:Get away! ROSS: I
was helping him with his fly!
437
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,600
CAR STARTS
438
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,840
Nathan, you wanker!
439
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,920
I didn't mean it! Nathan!
440
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,680
What's the matter? Have
I got a welly on my head?
441
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,960
SIMON: It worked.
442
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,480
CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS
443
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:07,680
Where's Mr Carr?
444
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,720
What, you mean your boyfriend?
445
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,000
Oh, shut up, Jayeson.
He's left the school.
446
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,800
Looks like you ain't
Carr's bumboys any more!
447
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,680
HE PLAYS THEME FROM "LOVE STORY"
448
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,960
This is all your fault! Bored!
449
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,320
'Why couldn't I have a fabulous family?
450
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,400
'A family like the von Trapps,
that was a singing group too,
451
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,000
'and entered the
Eurovision Song Contest?'
452
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,520
♪ Ooh
Ooh-ee-ooh
453
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,120
♪ Ooh
454
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,320
♪
Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo
455
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,440
♪
Shammy-shammy-shoo
456
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,960
♪ I love you Ooh
457
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,200
♪ Oh, shammy
Ooh-ee-ooh
458
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,000
♪ Oh, shammy
Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo
459
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,240
♪ Oh, shammy-shoo, I love
you Shammy-shammy-shoo
460
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,520
♪ I love you
461
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,320
♪ Oh, shammy Shammy-shoo. ♪
462
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:02,600
TELEVISION PLAYS
463
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,480
Er, just so you know, I'm moving out.
464
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,320
You've messed up my
life and career. How?
465
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,000
Doing the splits in front of
my manager sent him packing!
466
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,520
Don't try and stop
me. My mind's made up.
467
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,120
Oh!
468
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,120
Ooh, he's gone off in a huff.
469
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,760
Or a minute and a huff. DOOR SLAMS
470
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,960
You were right. He's
only gone to Reba's.
471
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,120
Slut.
472
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,040
You can't stay here. Nothing
personal, but my mum hates your guts.
473
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,560
SIMON SIGHS
474
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,680
Maybe I could sleep under your stairs.
475
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,720
I've been reading this
book, Harry Potter,
476
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,040
and...he lives under the stairs.
477
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,040
Oh, that sounds great
- that's really gonna catch on(!)
478
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,440
Well, I couldn't live here anyway.
479
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,320
Junk food plays havoc
with my oily triangle.
480
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,600
Look, I'm sorry about
Mr Carr, all right?
481
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:58,480
I just didn't like the boyfriend. I
never thought he'd actually leg it.
482
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,560
So...what do we do now?
483
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,800
Play out, then watch
the Eurovision later?
484
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,480
HE SIGHS
485
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,880
'I don't know if you've ever
seen The Sound of Music -
486
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,560
'though, I'm guessing, as you're
watching this, you probably have -
487
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,480
'you know that bit when
the kids are pissed off
488
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,360
'and they're playing
ball with the Baroness?
489
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,160
'Cue Baroness.
490
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,640
'And then Maria comes back
from the abbey to see the kids.
491
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,640
'Well, this was the nearest I
ever got to that in my life.'
492
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,920
Mr Carr! Mr Carr!
493
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,360
Anyone want to go to Birmingham?
494
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,360
MUSIC: "Renegade Master" by Wildchild
495
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,160
How amazing was that?
496
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,600
Davey, thank you so much for getting
us into the rehearsal. You're a star.
497
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,600
I'm not getting back in that car.
498
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,640
Oh, we've just been to the loo now.
499
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,200
I don't think the journey home's
going to be that bad, fart-wise.
500
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,400
No, I'm going to stay
for the proper show.
501
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,320
But... Sod the dress rehearsal, Simon.
502
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,160
That trannie was amazing. I
want to see the real thing!
503
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,240
But... Quick! While he's not looking.
504
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,760
You take care, yeah?
505
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,600
And...I hope they heal up soon.
They're a bugger, aren't they?
506
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,440
Now, where are my two
gays-in-the-making?
507
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,120
Simon? Kylie?
508
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,960
Where are we going?
509
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,520
I don't know. We need somewhere
to hide out till it starts.
510
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:18,720
OK.
511
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,480
Come on, girlfriend.
512
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,880
We can't stay here. Why not?
513
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,440
Well, there'll be a queue of
people outside in wheelchairs
514
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,200
with overflowing colostomies.
515
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,720
Do I look like I care?
516
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,560
What do we do now?
517
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,080
Wait.
518
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,240
DEBBIE:Call yourself a teacher?!
How could you do this to me?!
519
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,360
My son is the most precious thing in the
whole wide world to me and you lost him!
520
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,360
Knobhead! Bastard! Well,
you'd better bloody find him!
521
00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,880
PHONE SLAMS DOWN
522
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,240
Mr Carr's an angel.
523
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,000
Looking all over for
them, he is, bless him.
524
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,760
It's just so typical of Nathan.
525
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,440
He's lost all my Sandie Shaw 45s.
526
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,040
Collector's items, they were.
527
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,840
You don't seem unduly concerned.
528
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,640
I'm not really into Sandie Shaw.
529
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,200
No, we never trusted women who
didn't wear shoes, did we, And?
530
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,560
No, about your son. BOTH:Oh.
531
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,440
I still don't understand how
we'll actually get into the show
532
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,160
when we don't have tickets!
533
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,760
Girlfriend, did no-one ever tell you?
534
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,880
Your face has "usherette"
written all over it.
535
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,240
ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP
536
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,280
APPLAUSE
537
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,600
Shit! It's started. Come on!
538
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,480
Kylie, what have you done?!
539
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,880
Help! Help! Let us out! Hello?
540
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,920
Help! I'm claustrophobic!
541
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,000
Are you? No. But it sounds good.
542
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,200
Help! This is a Eurovision emergency!
543
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,960
LOUD THUMPING Help!
544
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:58,240
Bienvenue a 43eme Concours
Eurovision de la chanson, en direct...
545
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,840
Sorry for getting you over here, Ross.
I couldn't think who else to turn to.
546
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,360
It's all right.
547
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,120
Have you and Mr Carr split up? Yeah.
548
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,200
Oh, plenty more fish in the sea, lover.
549
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,800
Excluding this big fish here.
550
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,760
There's a bloke lives by the parade
- Gay Gary.
551
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,880
Sells really good weed and
he's got three gold teeth.
552
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,400
Try getting off with him.
553
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,800
Oh, Ashlene, Gay Gary's not gay. He is.
554
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,040
Oh, puh-lease!
555
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,360
You know how One-Eyed
Tony's got one eye?
556
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,200
Well, guess why Gay
Gary's called Gay Gary.
557
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,640
That is a reference to
his sunny disposition.
558
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,240
HE SCOFFS He's the moodiest
fecker you'll ever come across.
559
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,200
He rammed his trolley
into me in Gateways.
560
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,160
Yeah, that's cos you dawdle. I told
you. Anyway, Gay Gary's not gay.
561
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,600
He is, actually.
562
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,040
We were together six months.
563
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,080
I knew it.
564
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,680
I paid for them gold gnashers
doing night shifts at the abattoir.
565
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,720
Listen, Andy, I'm sorry about the
other night. Nudging your knob and that.
566
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:51,760
No hard feelings.
567
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,160
There certainly were
not. I swear, Debbie!
568
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,360
I'm going out. I'll give
Gary your best, yeah?
569
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,840
It still hurts.
570
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,200
See a dentist, Debbie.
571
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,680
SIMON: 'After three hours of Eurovision
ecstasy, the winner was about to be announced.
572
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,960
'The Melody Crescent jury were on the
edge of their seats in anticipation.'
573
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,000
Oh, I'm propping my eyes
open with matchsticks here.
574
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,680
TERRY WOGAN: 'Israel have won it.
575
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,960
'Israel have won it by 7
points over the United Kingdom.'
576
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,240
That's the end, isn't it?
577
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,040
Well, apart from the
reprise of the winning entry.
578
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:23,800
Feck me, it's a long night.
579
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,040
If they have run away, they
could be in New Zealand by now.
580
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,560
With beards. That's it.
I'm getting in the car.
581
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,880
You don't drive. I only
said I was gonna get in it.
582
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,880
What good's that gonna do?
It's a good place to ruminate.
583
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,200
I got arrested for that once.
584
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,520
Underneath a flyover.
585
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040
I'd better call the police.
586
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,040
MAN SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
We won! Oh, my God!
587
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,560
Dana, what is it?
588
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,840
I hate this dress. I
want to wear the Gaultier.
589
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,120
But you're due on stage.
They're waiting for you, darl.
590
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,920
In here!
591
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,120
ALL SCREAM
592
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,240
You still on hold?
593
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,440
APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION
594
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,000
'Just a little hiatus
here, ladies and gentlemen.'
595
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,320
ULRIKA JONSSON:'We can't find them!'
596
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,400
'Obviously, the winners are
celebrating not wisely, but too well...'
597
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,840
Oh, well. They're in good company
if the winner's gone missing as well.
598
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,080
Maybe all the Israelis have
been kidnapped by them...
599
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:17,600
Shite Muslims.
600
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,040
Mate...
601
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,160
if you ever change your mind about...
602
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:26,720
you know where I am.
603
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,160
I'll, um...
604
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,680
...I'll bear that in mind.
605
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,160
MAN KNOCKING AT DOOR:Dana! Huh!
606
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,240
When I was a little boy in Jerusalem,
607
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,440
I always knew I was
destined for greatness.
608
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,720
Did you live in a kebab? Kibbutz.
609
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,040
You two one day will be
fabulous. I can sense it.
610
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,680
Here. This is my card.
611
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:52,000
If ever you're in trouble, if you
ever need a friend, someone to talk to,
612
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,480
give me a call, OK?
613
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,000
Oh!
614
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,760
Mmm! Mwah!
615
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,280
Sweet boys! Mmm!
616
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,680
How do I look?
617
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,720
BOTH: Fabulous. MAN KNOCKING:Dana!
618
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,600
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr Magoo!
619
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,320
It's DeMille. Is it?
620
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:13,320
DANA KNOCKING:Justin?
621
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:14,560
Justin!
622
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,720
PHONE RECORDING: 'If
you've been raped, press 2.
623
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:23,480
'For light muggings
and burglaries, press 3.
624
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,560
'If your teenage son has
run away from home, press 4.'
625
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,320
Oh. MUZAK PLAYS
626
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,760
On hold again!
627
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,320
WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
628
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,840
'Thank you!'
629
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,080
'I knew I should have worn
my Jean-Paul Gaultier.'
630
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,360
How do we get out?
631
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,520
Sod that. How do we get
in to see her for a bit?
632
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,760
What's up here?
633
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,480
MUSIC: "Diva" by Dana International
634
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,960
Debbie, look!
635
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,240
What? Back of the stage.
636
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:55,760
Look. They're there.
637
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,520
My son rocks!
638
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,120
Ooh! LAUGHS
639
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,880
Miss International?
640
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,160
Er...it's me, Simon.
641
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,880
We met in that toilet?
642
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:27,080
I've never seen you before
in my life! Keep away from me!
643
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:28,480
No, Miss International...
644
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:31,720
Miss International!
645
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:36,480
Simon?
646
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,680
♪ Don't let them go
647
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,720
♪ Don't let them go
648
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:44,600
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show
649
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,760
♪ Don't let them go
650
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,000
♪ Don't let them go
651
00:28:49,050 --> 00:28:53,600
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