Original subtitles

- Well, Curtis, you've revised the mixture? - Yes, sir.

With the bubbles less dense, it should be more easily disposable.

That's fine, but not at the expense of potency.

It must be potent.

- Three-point-four, at least, sir. - Three-point-four, my goodness.

Well, let's have a look, shall we?

You in there, stop wiggling around, please.

All right, let's get on with it.

Let's go, Harvey.

[SCREAMING]

At 3.4, that should suffice.

- Blow it out. Let's see what we've got. - Yes, sir.

All right, Harvey, turn on the fans.

Excellent. Excellent.

He dissolved beautifully.

We figure Kuryakin was probably someplace near the Gulf of Aqaba...

...at the time his report was interrupted.

Although the Thrush experimental lab itself...

...could be hidden in any of a hundred desert wadis...

...from Mecca north to Damascus, we just don't know yet.

Well, we'd better know, and soon.

No horse, no provisions. What is he doing there, that one?

Oh. Oh, so now before you rob and attack a man...

...you worry whether or not it will disturb him, huh?

Be careful with your tongue, daughter.

Sophie, you do not talk to me like that in front of my own men, please.

Come on, you leave those two baboons of yours alone, they will capture each other.

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

ILLYA: Aah!

- Take what he has and finish him. - No!

- It was my knife that took him, he's mine. - What kind of nonsense--?

For months you promised me a new camel, no? Huh?

All right, then, I take--

No!

Now. Now I take this skinny little fellow who is my property and I sell him.

I sell him at the marketplace at Aqaba...

...and I get enough money to buy me a new camel.

SULADOR: Oh, no, woman.

You two, go get the horses.

Quickly, you lizard-eyed filth.

Sophie, the camel I did promise, yes, but not to kill a traveler.

- It is against tradition. SOPHIE: Hmm?

Look at him, my daughter, look at that leg.

So we cut off the leg.

I sell him as is anyway, half price.

But he will bleed to death.

So then I sell only his yellow hair and throw the rest of him away.

Here's another one.

In not one dossier that U.N.C.L.E. possesses on Thrush personnel...

...is there any information about a man after his 65th birthday.

So what? They probably retire them just like anybody else.

That's just it. If any of Thrush's retired personnel were still around...

...we'd have a record, wouldn't we? But we've got nothing.

Check with Mr. Waverly, see if he's busy.

You mean when Thrush retires their personnel at 65, they make it permanent?

Mr. Waverly, would you please?

You'd better inform Personnel...

...that we don't expect Mr. Kuryakin to be returning.

Oh, he'll turn up, sir. It's only been 48 hours.

He is pretty good at making it up as he goes along, you know.

Wishful thinking, I'm afraid.

The Arabian desert isn't quite Palm Springs, you know.

[TELEPHONE BEEPING]

- Yes? - Mr. Waverly, it's me again.

Research Department?

Ask him about Illya.

Good grief, woman, can't you and Mr. Solo find someone else to bother today?

I appreciate his concern about Mr. Kuryakin--

It's only that, sir, he thought you might talk to him for a moment about an idea--

Young woman, as I've told you three times today--

Uh, yes, Mr. Waverly.

Mitzi, assuming that, uh, Thrush does very quietly knock off its personnel at age 65...

...and assuming that the prospective retirees are not aware of the fact...

...that they're going to get an unexpected death benefit...

...if we could get ahold of a little old Thrush man....

Illya was looking for that lab where Thrush was developing a new vaporizer.

All right, get me all of the dossiers...

...on, uh, Research and Development of Thrush personnel.

And pray a little, Mitzi...

...that we find a nice, retiring Thrush gentleman.

MAN: One, one.

Floor, one, two.

Peter--

Well, Lewin.

- Hello, Mr. Norman. - Big day, huh?

Oh, that wasn't too bad, sir.

Of course, the shipment of those final chemicals for the Arabian project--

Oh, that. That isn't quite what I meant, Lewin.

I'm sorry, sir. What did you have in mind?

Good heavens, man, have you forgotten your own retirement?

Oh.

Uh, no, I haven't, sir. Uh....

It's just the Arabian project has been on my mind--

Ah, you forget that and relax.

After the dinner Thrush gives you tonight, you won't have a worry in the world.

Thank you, Mr. Norman.

- Uh, I'll be there promptly, sir. - I'll look forward to seeing you.

Unbelievable old man.

You know, we probably won't be able to kill him like the others.

We'll have to bash him with a stick until his mainspring breaks.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

David, I really don't think we're even going to have to touch the savings.

- Your pension should-- - What about the boat?

No, I figured that in. Oh....

Oh, David, I really can't believe it.

Retirement. Oh....

LEWIN: Yes.

Those were good years with Thrush.

Watching the company grow, being a part of it all.

David?

- David. - Go to the bedroom and stay there.

SOLO: Mr. Lewin.

Mr. Lewin, you're much too close to the good life for that.

Put the gun down, please, on the desk.

Thank you.

Now, uh, Mr. Lewin, my crystal ball has it that Thrush is going to favor you...

...with a retirement dinner and a gold pocket watch...

...for 31 years of self-sacrificing loyalty, is that, uh, correct?

Who are you? How did you know where I live?

Well, ahem, when a man retires, he generally takes a trip.

You left your address with a travel agent, I found him and found you.

Won't you please sit down here?

Now, as your brand-new, friendly U.N.C.L.E. insurance agent, I'd like to tell you--

U.N.C.L.E.? Now, look, I, uh-- I was in the Transportation section.

I never-- I never-- At least, let my wife--

Mr. Lewin, would you please not interrupt my sales pitch?

Now, the moment one retires from Thrush, you not only cease to be an asset...

...you become a distinct liability...

...because you know all those dark, dirty little secrets, don't you?

Now, we know you're going to retire...

...but if you'll peruse this carefully-drawn file...

...I think you'll notice that they're also going to kill you.

[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]

SOLO: Go ahead, examine it.

I'm certain you'll find U.N.C.L.E.'s fringe benefits far superior.

Take a look, please.

Could you make me a little tea, please, Mrs. Lewin?

Thank you.

Go ahead, examine it.

How do you do?

Oh, thank you very much.

I take care of the leg. They do not cut it off.

[GROANS]

That's very, very kind.

Oh, no, that's business.

One entire man buys one entire camel in Aqaba.

Aqaba.

Listen, I have to get there to send a message. It's extremely--

It would be very dangerous if you lose any more blood.

You make no more noise, you lose no more blood, all right?

Huh?

But ever since Charlie Jacobs retired from Thrush...

...we've been getting postcards from Majorca about the living conditions.

No, no. Your friend Charlie Jacobs was assassinated...

...two days after he had his retirement dinner.

That's his morgue photo right there.

How did they, uh...?

SOLO: They gave him a gold watch. Engraved.

Very much as I expect they're going to give you.

Forty-eight hours later, it blew up.

And he was thrown halfway across the English Channel.

But you don't understand, Mr. Solo.

Thrush has always given David wonderful accident and health benefits...

...a stock-option plan even.

Remember when I had that horrible appendicitis, how they--?

- Yes. SOLO: Mrs. Lewin...

...your husband is 65 years of age.

And without our help, meaning U.N.C.L.E.'s help...

...his life expectancy on the actuarial tables is zero.

[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]

SOLO: That fact should be evident.

Look at that.

It is.

After 31 years....

What do you want me to do?

I want the files, statistics, location...

...and all programming on the experimental Thrush vaporizer.

Listen, I very much regret the demise of your previous camel, but....

You mentioned other animals...

...belonging to your people have also died recently.

And the water holes polluted and the grazing foliage rotted.

Sometimes I think this land is cursed against us.

And your people themselves...

...have any disappeared in the last month or so?

What do you know about that?

How many men have you lost?

Seven, the first one two months ago. But what is that to you?

- Guinea pigs for Thrush. - What? What are you saying there?

There's something going on that you ought to know about.

- What? - I think you shut up now...

...so you don't confuse anyone.

You're the chief of this tribe, aren't you?

- If you lead me to Aqaba, I will help you-- - You'll get to Aqaba, skinny little fellow...

...when you are healthy enough to bring me a good price. Eat. Eat.

I can help you get rid of the misfortunes that your people--

SULADOR: Sulador does not require assistance.

I do not like you.

You give me indigestion with your busy mouth.

You give me indigestion again, I rip out your stomach.

And in return for the file on the vaporizer and its location...

...U.N.C.L.E. will guarantee--

Safety to live out your retirement years in peace.

Now, where is the file?

I never was a very important Thrush operative, Mr. Solo.

The Transportation Department is what one might call overhead...

...but I am a highly-trained one.

May I have your U.N.C.L.E. pocket communicator, please?

My--?

If I told you the location of the file...

...what's to prevent you or a superior that you report to...

...from going there and getting it and leaving me high and dry?

No, Mr. Solo, you and I will go there together.

I to my dinner and you to get the file. It's the same place.

If we come out of this alive, then, uh, you'll get this back.

I'd appreciate it.

Hazel, will you phone a tuxedo shop for Mr. Solo?

I'm a perfect 39, Hazel.

There's one condition, I don't want my wife exposed to danger.

Now, she gets to a safe place before you and I go anywhere.

All right, agreed.

Now, the Thrush office...

...is, I think you'll find, in a usual building...

...but in a rather unusual spot in that building.

Have you ever noticed that in most hotels and office buildings...

...there's no 13th floor?

Same thing applies to the building Thrush has been using.

The public elevator goes from the 12th floor to the 14th floor.

No one even wonders whether there's a 13th floor.

Well, there is, Mr. Solo.

And every single day, at least until we move to a new location...

...a few hundred people blithely travel up and down the public elevator...

...directly past a major Thrush nerve center.

Now, Mr. Solo, I'll show you a more private elevator.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Here's the map I drew so you'll know where to go.

Now you stay here out of sight.

In exactly three minutes, I'll send the elevator down for you.

Oh, from this point on, I don't know you.

I never heard of you.

If you're discovered, then I'll be screaming for your head just like the rest of them.

Ah, the guest of honor.

Nice to see you, Lewin.

But where is Mrs. Lewin?

I'm afraid that's why I'm late, sir.

Um, her arthritis was just--

- She gets it down this arm.... - That's unfortunate.

That's unfortunate. At any rate...

...George, would you take care of our guest of honor?

- Hello, David, so nice to see you. - Thank you.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Ladies and gentlemen, into the main salon, if you will.

Time for the festivities.

[WHISTLING]

Hi. Listen, did you ever see anything--? Look, isn't that the oddest--?

[GRUNTING]

Uh, guard, this door was supposed to be left open, why wasn't it?

Well, sir, I don't know. Nobody said anything to me about it.

Well, I'm saying something. Open it.

Yes, sir.

Uh, if you don't mind, sir, perhaps I'd better check first with Mr. Norman.

All right, uh, I'll walk along with you.

[CHATTERING]

Oh, by the way, Lewin, you know, you were right, as usual.

We do have a problem with the Arabian chemicals.

Johnson will be flying me down there tonight right after dinner.

Oh, as a matter of fact, George, telephone Rockaway...

...make sure my plane's ready.

Oh, and George....

Excuse me.

I sent Johnson to check on the validity of Mrs. Lewin's arthritic absence.

He hasn't come back.

Probably nothing, but keep an eye out for him, will you?

How's it going?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MUTTERING]

Talk, talk, talk.

[MUTTERING]

I did not tell you to stand up, that leg has value to me.

[ILLYA SIGHS]

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

Why did you take that bucket from me?

Huh?

To be polite, you silly little girl.

And before you open that nasty, flapping mouth of yours...

...I suggest that you study up a bit on that trivial amenity called courtesy.

No wonder you're still unmarried at your age. Oh!

Ow!

You. You with the pale blue eyes and the golden hair.

Oh, yes, the hair. Ha-ha!

You know what those hags are saying about you?

They're saying that you remind them of another blond young fellow...

...who came a long time ago from far away, from out west.

A great warrior who never wore a uniform.

He came to liberate the desert and to glorify our tribes.

Ha-ha-ha!

You. You, the filthy hero of Arabia.

[MUTTERS]

[SIGHS]

Your, uh-- Your supper is cooked.

Better come and eat.

You're too skinny.

NORMAN: And yet, my friends, when all is said and done...

...there still remains the fact...

...that after 31 years of devotion and service...

...David Lewin is leaving us.

And so to you, David Lewin...

...to whatever far places the winds of time may blow you.

ILLYA: Arabia was starving...

...pinioned under the cruelty of the Turkish thumb.

It was then that my father came to your people.

It was then that my father and the great Prince Faisal...

...did bring together all the hitherto divergent tribes in the desert.

Donning the white burnoose of your people...

...to hide the yellow of his hair and the foreign pallor of his skin...

...he made of your people a great mobile army.

A massive unit of Arabian steel...

...descending out of the dunes in a shrieking scourge...

...to wreak havoc upon the enemy.

And the enemy knew him well, my father.

And the world came to know him well too.

This quiet, complex, blond young man in Arabia.

And at the end of it all...

...after Aqaba...

...after the steaming hell of the Sinai...

...and the cutting of the railways at Mafraq and Arar and Mezerib...

...after all this...

...my father gave back to the tribes, back to Arabia, the greatest gift of all:

Damascus, the jeweled city.

And my father's labor was done.

[MURMURING]

MAN: Truly, he is the son of Lawrence.

In time of trouble, ignorant people grab too anxiously at the straws of hope.

What they see in that young man diminishes my leadership.

Tonight, when my daughter sleeps, you will take him far into the desert...

...and you will return without him.

All right, speak to me, musclehead.

Now, do we get that steel bathtub open or do I perform a messy frontal lobotomy?

[GASPING]

But I don't know. I couldn't open it no matter what.

All right, who could open it? Who?

Mr. Norman. He's the only one that has the combination.

All right, you're going out to that intercom system...

...and you're going to page your Mr. Norman.

Keep in mind that behind you is one very well-dressed...

...and very nervous homicidal maniac.

Get up.

I don't care what it involves, arrange for in-flight refueling.

Mr. Norman's plane will leave directly for Arabia.

[GROANING]

Red warning. Red warning.

Seal all exits, vents and ducts, we've got a trespasser.

SOLO: Come on, up.

[ALARM WAILING]

Uninvited guest, sir. He clobbered Johnson and--

Where's the corridor guard?

Spread out, units of two.

No one in here.

You forgot to mention they have a steel vault.

Norman's going to the Arabian station tonight, Rockaway Airport.

Well, that's some help. Let's get out of here.

No, no. No, I'm frightened.

- Come on. - Here, you take this.

- Come on. - No. Leave me alone.

You get out of here. Leave me alone.

[SIGHS]

Be sure. Check all air conditioning vents and generator room.

Well, whoever he is, he didn't come in with one of us.

Who was the last guest to arrive?

Lewin.

Lewin, who arrived late and alone.

There's the guard.

You, guard.

[GUNSHOTS]

NORMAN [OVER INTERCOM]: I assume you're standing rather unhappily...

...at the kitchen door right now...

...wondering if there's another way out.

There isn't one, I'm afraid.

You see, I sealed the door electrically from up here.

Why don't you make yourself a sandwich? I'll be right down.

[GUARD YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

SULADOR: Stop it!

Stop it, I say!

Did I send you to attack my own daughter, you insect-ridden slime?

You send these two ridiculous creatures to take my property?

[SOPHIE SIGHS]

Why, Papa? Why?

Perhaps it is because the great Sulador is afraid.

[MURMURING]

Why else would he send this scum to snuff me out?

It is because he is afraid...

...that I, and not he, am able to lead you against this evil thing...

...that has killed your men and your grazing stock...

...and led you to ruin.

You may lead my people, foreigner, if you remain alive to do so.

Woman, kindle the fire.

- Papa, ple-- - See to it!

And all of you shall judge the merits of him who would usurp my authority...

...as soon as the weapons have been prepared.

NORMAN: Well. Well, we're moving soon anyway.

Johnson, I hope you're sufficiently recovered to fly my plane.

We wouldn't want to endanger our passenger's life.

I should just toss you to Thrush Central, you know?

Let them peel your skin off.

Unfortunately, your treason would reflect on my own record.

But why take me to Arabia?

Mr. Lewin, we have some in-flight chatting to do, you and I...

...regarding your final retirement.

You know, our experimental vaporizer might well use another guinea pig...

...with which to test its potency.

And Lewin, you did engender a security leak.

Mr. Norman, please.

On the other hand...

...you could choose to tell me the nature of your disgusting conduct...

...what that U.N.C.L.E. agent was seeking.

The Arabian file.

- What? - Well, they know about the vaporizer.

- And the new location? - Well, I--

- Lewin! - I don't know how much they know...

...sir.

I see.

Well, well, it seems that an ounce of prevention is in order.

I'll have the vaporizer moved to a new location...

...before an U.N.C.L.E. attack can even be mounted.

Thank you, Lewin.

ILLYA: How original. Red-hot pokers.

You see? You see?

My father binds his own legs so as not to win by an advantage, hmm?

- If you should do harm to Sulador, I-- - A skinny little fellow like me?

Why don't you take that sparsely furnished mind of yours...

...and go and join the other elderly unmarried women?

[SOPHIE GASPS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You're not to kill him, you understand?

I mean, after all, he is my possession.

And if you think I'm gonna wait six months for my new camel--

Enough!

This is no minor affair.

[PEOPLE YELLING]

Does Sulador yield?

Yield?

I am not so small a man, foreigner.

No, Sulador does not yield.

The wound should be redressed.

It is a brave thing to throw victory away...

...to let an adversary live.

My people will follow you.

I, Sulador, shall decree it.

In two hours, the light will come. You rest till then.

The girl would like to help with the leg.

[SULADOR CHUCKLES]

All right, I'll meet him as soon as he lands.

Spit and polish in here for the next couple of hours, gentlemen.

We're having visitors.

Oh.

You feel good?

I feel good, thank you.

Here. Here is the white burnoose of the leader.

Sulador gives it.

Thank you.

I shall try to wear it with honor.

You tell Sulador to pick his best men.

If they're having visitors, they'll be opening those steel doors of theirs.

- Mr. Norman-- - My aide is still in the plane.

Tell your men he'll be following with a prisoner.

Let's go, Lewin.

They're not gonna hold those doors open for us any longer.

[GRUNTING]

How did you get here?

Make up your mind. At least with me, you've got some chance.

LEWIN: What? - All right, they haven't seen him...

...so until we're inside, I'm he and you're my little Thrush prisoner.

- Inside? - Give me a hand with him.

I wanna get a shot at that vaporizer. Let's get his clothes off.

MAN: So with the potency at 3.4, we're able to get the vaporization going much--

Captain, I am trying to impress upon you the urgency of this matter.

- The vaporizer must be moved. - There's no need to shout, Mr. Norman.

This is a small station.

- I just don't have the authority to-- - Captain!

You don't have the time to get the authority from Thrush Central...

...your mother or anybody else.

I take full responsibility.

Attention, all personnel...

...this is emergency evacuation K-D, effect immediate.

Repeat, effect immediate.

Now, as to that remark about my mother, Mr. Norman....

Whoever belongs to that plane will have to come out sooner or later.

And when those steel doors open:

All right, stay here where you won't be underfoot.

Go on.

Is that somebody's children having a Halloween party?

No, no. They're intermolecular.

The engineers use them for, uh, protection against the vaporizer.

[RATTLING]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[WHIRRING]

[TAPPING]

Now.

[GUNSHOTS]

NORMAN: Get inside. MAN: Open fire.

Follow that Kuryakin.

NORMAN: Get the door closed.

NORMAN: Turn around. Use the vaporizer.

- But our own men.... - Use it!

I'll close the entrance doors from the control panel.

SOLO: No. Stay with it, David, you're doing great.

Whoever you are, my friend, I should like to thank you.

I should have known who it was when I saw you trip over you own feet.

Gee, I wish I had a dress like that.

I guess U.N.C.L.E. owes you and Mrs. Lewin a boat...

...with a lot of anonymity to sail it around in.

Well, we'd be most grateful, Mr. Solo.

I look for skinny young man with yellow hair.

You've seen him?

Uh, well, I....

He is one of us now, we keep him.

Uh, I keep him.

Oh, you keep him? I see.

Well, I think that limping bunny there is, uh, the one you, um....

[GASPS] Right there. Excuse.

Very disturbed young man.

[ENGLISH SDH]