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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,925 --> 00:00:16,725 [choir singing dramatic music] 2 00:00:20,365 --> 00:00:22,925 Whom do we have here, brother? 3 00:00:23,045 --> 00:00:25,285 Messrs. Swan, Lavender, 4 00:00:25,365 --> 00:00:28,165 and Fitzpatrick, Worshipful Master, 5 00:00:28,725 --> 00:00:31,245 all recommended in open lodge, 6 00:00:31,325 --> 00:00:34,445 come of their own free will to be admitted 7 00:00:34,525 --> 00:00:37,645 to the mysteries of Freemasonry. 8 00:00:40,005 --> 00:00:41,925 - Do you feel anything? - [chuckles] 9 00:00:42,005 --> 00:00:44,045 Steady on. S-sorry. 10 00:00:44,125 --> 00:00:45,765 [clears throat] Sorry. 11 00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:48,125 I've got sensitive nipples. 12 00:00:48,205 --> 00:00:50,005 It's a medical condition. 13 00:00:52,605 --> 00:00:55,365 Uh, actually, do you think we could do the other leg? 14 00:00:55,445 --> 00:00:57,885 [men snickering] 15 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,565 - What are they laughing at? - Nothing. 16 00:00:59,645 --> 00:01:00,845 Silence! 17 00:01:02,725 --> 00:01:06,085 As decreed by our founding brothers, 18 00:01:06,165 --> 00:01:08,485 any man transgressing the vows 19 00:01:08,565 --> 00:01:10,524 you are about to partake 20 00:01:10,925 --> 00:01:13,085 will have his throat cut, 21 00:01:13,165 --> 00:01:15,685 his tongue removed, 22 00:01:15,765 --> 00:01:18,645 and his bowels fed to the birds. 23 00:01:20,565 --> 00:01:23,045 Welcome to the crazy, fun world of Freemasonry. 24 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,245 In case you didn't know, the Masons is a secret club for local businessmen. 25 00:01:26,325 --> 00:01:28,885 A bit like the Boy Scouts, only much, much creepier. 26 00:01:28,925 --> 00:01:32,445 Exclusively male, fiercely secretive, and murderously loyal, 27 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:35,685 its members swear to help their brothers whenever in need 28 00:01:35,765 --> 00:01:37,925 which is handy because I have a pressing need 29 00:01:38,005 --> 00:01:40,165 to sell my brothers shitloads of new windows. 30 00:01:40,245 --> 00:01:41,725 Now, in case you were wondering 31 00:01:41,805 --> 00:01:43,605 how the Cachet boys came to join the Moonies... 32 00:01:45,165 --> 00:01:47,285 ♪ Money's too tight to mention ♪ 33 00:01:48,725 --> 00:01:51,645 ♪ I can't get an unemployment extension ♪ 34 00:01:51,725 --> 00:01:53,165 [Vincent narrating] A few weeks back, I took Ronnie out 35 00:01:53,245 --> 00:01:54,925 for a liquid lunch to soften him up. 36 00:01:55,045 --> 00:01:57,285 Now, maybe it's not a great idea to be driven around 37 00:01:57,365 --> 00:02:00,645 by a drunken psycho who's trying to open his car door with a flick knife... 38 00:02:02,485 --> 00:02:05,725 but then you might not need an actual cash bonus as much as I do. 39 00:02:06,925 --> 00:02:09,605 So, what is it you want, Vincent? 40 00:02:09,685 --> 00:02:12,885 I'm old enough and ugly enough to know when I'm being buttered up. 41 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:14,924 [Vincent] I need to talk to you about bonuses. 42 00:02:15,005 --> 00:02:16,245 - [horn blares] - Jesus! 43 00:02:16,325 --> 00:02:17,805 [man] You're on the wrong side of the road, mate! 44 00:02:17,885 --> 00:02:19,805 [Ronnie] I gave you boys a bonus last month. 45 00:02:19,885 --> 00:02:22,725 And a lovely glass chess set it was as well, Ronnie, 46 00:02:22,805 --> 00:02:24,805 but it isn't going to put my number-one son 47 00:02:24,885 --> 00:02:27,125 through private school after he fails his 11-plus. 48 00:02:27,205 --> 00:02:29,165 Look, I know sales haven't been spectacular, but... 49 00:02:29,245 --> 00:02:30,925 What the fuck do you call that? 50 00:02:31,045 --> 00:02:32,485 [Vincent] Terrible timing. 51 00:02:32,565 --> 00:02:34,885 You assured me you had this under control, Vincent. 52 00:02:34,925 --> 00:02:37,885 - I'm working on it. - Well, evidently not hard enough. 53 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,245 And while we're at it, since you sacked Brendan, 54 00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:42,165 we've been leaking casual repair work 55 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:45,805 like rainwater through one of Barry's bodged-job conservatories. 56 00:02:47,605 --> 00:02:50,605 I've a good mind to take that glass chess set back. 57 00:02:52,245 --> 00:02:54,125 - [Vincent] Red light. - Oh, I'll make it. 58 00:02:55,805 --> 00:02:57,445 [horn blares] 59 00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,205 [siren wails] 60 00:03:03,245 --> 00:03:04,805 [sighs] 61 00:03:11,405 --> 00:03:12,885 [sighs] 62 00:03:13,565 --> 00:03:15,005 Bollocks. 63 00:03:15,085 --> 00:03:17,405 Now look what you made me do. 64 00:03:17,485 --> 00:03:19,405 Is it all right if I, uh, borrow your Bentley 65 00:03:19,485 --> 00:03:21,565 while you're banned from driving, boss? 66 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,565 Sir, are you aware that you just jumped a red light? 67 00:03:25,645 --> 00:03:26,565 [exhales forcefully] 68 00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:28,485 Cor blimey, how much have you had to drink? 69 00:03:28,565 --> 00:03:29,645 Out of the car now. 70 00:03:37,205 --> 00:03:38,885 I sees that the holy order upon you. 71 00:03:38,925 --> 00:03:40,925 May a brotherly love prevail. 72 00:03:44,245 --> 00:03:46,125 What the fuck just happened? 73 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,005 Ah, he's on the square. 74 00:03:49,685 --> 00:03:53,725 He's a fellow member of the Essex Illuminati. 75 00:03:55,005 --> 00:03:58,365 He's a fucking Freemason, you nugget, like me. 76 00:04:01,645 --> 00:04:03,845 [Vincent] The Masons: an ancient, all-male brotherhood 77 00:04:03,925 --> 00:04:05,685 devoted to spirituality, good works, 78 00:04:05,765 --> 00:04:07,725 and breaking the law to benefit your mates. 79 00:04:07,805 --> 00:04:11,365 Perfect for me. Apart from the good works. And the spirituality. 80 00:04:11,445 --> 00:04:13,765 - Well, this is disappointing. - Why? 81 00:04:13,845 --> 00:04:16,205 I don't know. I thought these lodges were a cover 82 00:04:16,285 --> 00:04:19,045 for respectable men to get up to all sorts, 83 00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:23,045 you know, getting shit-faced and cavorting with strippers and prozzies. 84 00:04:23,125 --> 00:04:25,404 No, that's the double-glazing industry. 85 00:04:25,485 --> 00:04:28,765 I must admit, though, I had hoped it'd be a bit more... satanic. 86 00:04:28,845 --> 00:04:31,565 Well, maybe they lull you into a false sense of security 87 00:04:31,645 --> 00:04:34,925 by making it seem like a more boring version of the Chamber of Commerce, 88 00:04:35,045 --> 00:04:36,725 and then, wham, 89 00:04:36,805 --> 00:04:39,845 they sacrifice a goat and fire up a pagan orgy. 90 00:04:39,925 --> 00:04:41,485 We're not here for the shits and giggles, gentlemen. 91 00:04:41,565 --> 00:04:44,765 This is a business opportunity. Speaking of which... 92 00:04:45,525 --> 00:04:49,005 An honor to be admitted to your order, Worshipful Master. 93 00:04:49,085 --> 00:04:50,845 Now, can I interest you in a conservatory? 94 00:04:50,925 --> 00:04:52,605 [laughs] 95 00:04:53,325 --> 00:04:54,605 Are you kidding me? 96 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,125 They've let George fucking Worst into the Masons before us. 97 00:04:57,205 --> 00:05:01,165 Christ, what sort of exclusive society is this? 98 00:05:01,245 --> 00:05:03,605 A fucking shit one. That's the answer. 99 00:05:03,685 --> 00:05:05,325 Apart from the opportunities to drink and drive. 100 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,325 No, yeah, obviously, the drink driving is a massive perk. 101 00:05:08,405 --> 00:05:10,365 Here you go, Worshipful Master. 102 00:05:10,445 --> 00:05:13,165 Oh, thank you very much. Don't mind if I do. 103 00:05:13,245 --> 00:05:16,565 [laughs] Brother Ronnie said you're a cheeky bugger. 104 00:05:16,645 --> 00:05:19,165 - I didn't think this would be your scene. - And why is that? 105 00:05:19,245 --> 00:05:22,325 Well, Freemasonry's built upon moral rectitude, 106 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:25,925 helping good men become better men through personal growth. 107 00:05:26,005 --> 00:05:29,525 - Just doesn't sound very you, that's all. - Not very brotherly, is he? 108 00:05:30,405 --> 00:05:33,925 Brother Andrew, is that a fitting way to welcome a novice brother? 109 00:05:34,005 --> 00:05:35,885 Now, jog on. 110 00:05:35,925 --> 00:05:38,325 Brother Vincent's flogging me a conservatory... 111 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,925 with a very healthy discount, I imagine. 112 00:05:41,045 --> 00:05:43,325 A very fucking healthy discount indeed, Your Highness. 113 00:05:43,925 --> 00:05:46,885 [Vincent] As boring as it was, and trust me, it was fucking boring, 114 00:05:46,925 --> 00:05:49,445 the Masons was at least a distraction from Brian's depressing, 115 00:05:49,525 --> 00:05:51,085 shed-dwelling home life. 116 00:05:52,925 --> 00:05:55,525 Mind you, it wasn't his only distraction. 117 00:05:58,885 --> 00:06:01,365 We can see you perving over us, pervert! 118 00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:04,125 - I'm not perving! - Oh, we want a word. Get in here. 119 00:06:04,205 --> 00:06:05,925 All right. Just a minute. 120 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,885 - Brian! - I'm coming. Just a minute. Jesus! 121 00:06:12,165 --> 00:06:15,245 That porch Vincent sold Stacey's mum, it's still bloody leaking. 122 00:06:15,325 --> 00:06:18,165 I told you, it's not leaking. It's just settling in. 123 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,285 It's a porch, not a foster child. It shouldn't need time to settle in. 124 00:06:21,365 --> 00:06:23,725 [both laughing] 125 00:06:23,805 --> 00:06:26,125 So funny, Stace! 126 00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:29,085 Humor. That's what was missing from our marriage, Brian. 127 00:06:29,165 --> 00:06:31,325 "Settling in" is an industry term. 128 00:06:31,405 --> 00:06:33,165 Give it a week or two, it'll be right as rain. 129 00:06:33,245 --> 00:06:34,645 Industry term, my arse. 130 00:06:34,725 --> 00:06:36,765 Oh, I'd love to, my dear. 131 00:06:36,845 --> 00:06:38,525 - [both laughing] - Stace! 132 00:06:39,005 --> 00:06:40,805 Oh, sorry. You still here? 133 00:06:40,885 --> 00:06:43,805 You can fuck off to your shed now, you pervert. 134 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:48,085 And stop wanking yourself to death and sort out Stacey's mum's porch! 135 00:06:53,005 --> 00:06:56,285 Wench, the worshipful fuck master 136 00:06:56,365 --> 00:07:00,925 is ready to commit a depraved pagan sex ritual on you. 137 00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:04,565 Looks more like the worshipful fuck master's ready to do the washing-up. 138 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,765 Does the bowler hat help? 139 00:07:08,925 --> 00:07:11,285 Maybe you need a penis to get me turned on by all this gear. 140 00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,885 Well, if it's a penis you're after... 141 00:07:12,925 --> 00:07:14,925 How many Freemasons are there in Essex? 142 00:07:15,045 --> 00:07:16,885 I love it when you talk dirty. 143 00:07:16,925 --> 00:07:18,485 Literally hundreds. 144 00:07:18,565 --> 00:07:20,525 Vincent fucking Swan. 145 00:07:20,605 --> 00:07:23,125 Uh, no. Martin fucking Lavender, actually. 146 00:07:23,205 --> 00:07:26,765 Pleased to meet you. And even more pleased to be unbuttoning... 147 00:07:26,845 --> 00:07:28,925 Yeah, sorry, Martin. Can I just check I've got something straight? 148 00:07:29,005 --> 00:07:31,685 Simply by virtue of having a dick to swing around, 149 00:07:31,765 --> 00:07:34,005 Vincent and the rest of you cocks at Cachet 150 00:07:34,085 --> 00:07:37,565 now have exclusive access to an untapped market of first-class leads 151 00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:39,565 at your secret bumming club? 152 00:07:40,765 --> 00:07:43,365 If I say yes, does that mean we're not having sex? 153 00:07:47,005 --> 00:07:49,085 Morning, Worshipful Master. 154 00:07:49,165 --> 00:07:52,765 It's just plain old Bruce here on the outside, Vincent. 155 00:07:52,845 --> 00:07:55,805 Gosh, yeah. Well, here I am as promised, along with our top fitter. 156 00:07:55,885 --> 00:07:57,765 Barry, get your arse over here. 157 00:07:58,925 --> 00:08:02,205 Hello, Derek. Or is it Barry these days? 158 00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:03,845 Long time no see, 159 00:08:03,925 --> 00:08:05,925 which is usually a good thing in my line of work. 160 00:08:06,005 --> 00:08:07,445 Hello, Detective Neil. 161 00:08:07,525 --> 00:08:08,845 You know each other? 162 00:08:08,925 --> 00:08:11,085 He nicked me once for handling stolen goods. 163 00:08:11,165 --> 00:08:13,485 Must've been those two A Levels you stuck on your CV, Barry. 164 00:08:15,085 --> 00:08:16,765 I keep telling him it's Derek. 165 00:08:16,845 --> 00:08:18,925 So are you still on the force, Bruce? 166 00:08:19,045 --> 00:08:23,405 Oh, CID these days. Detective sergeant. It's not a problem, is it? 167 00:08:23,485 --> 00:08:25,805 You been up to anything illegal, you cheeky bugger? 168 00:08:26,365 --> 00:08:28,205 Me? No. Wouldn't dream of it. 169 00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:30,845 No, no. At Cachet we run an outreach program for ex-cons. 170 00:08:30,925 --> 00:08:33,005 Try to give them a leg up when they get out. 171 00:08:33,085 --> 00:08:35,365 Oh, that's really charitable of you, Vincent. 172 00:08:36,085 --> 00:08:37,205 Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind. 173 00:08:37,285 --> 00:08:39,924 I mentioned the deal you gave me on the conservatory to a couple of the brothers, 174 00:08:40,005 --> 00:08:43,405 and they, um, expressed an interest. Would you mind if they got in touch? 175 00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:45,365 Be an honor to help my brothers out, Bruce. 176 00:08:45,445 --> 00:08:47,924 Great. I'll introduce you at the next lodge meet. 177 00:08:48,804 --> 00:08:50,805 Uh, we've got special guests at dinner. 178 00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:53,605 It's gonna be a lot of fun, if you catch my drift. 179 00:08:56,485 --> 00:08:57,325 Right. 180 00:08:57,405 --> 00:08:59,445 N-fucking-O spells no. 181 00:08:59,525 --> 00:09:03,485 Believe me, Tony, if I had a penis, I'd join this cult for cocks meself. 182 00:09:03,565 --> 00:09:07,005 Now, all you've gotta do is push new leads in my direction. 183 00:09:07,085 --> 00:09:08,925 Brendan will use his influence to get you in. 184 00:09:09,045 --> 00:09:12,045 Hang on a wee second. I have no idea what you're on about. 185 00:09:12,125 --> 00:09:14,325 Oh, come off it. You were seen in the meeting. 186 00:09:14,405 --> 00:09:16,645 Tell that boyfriend of yours he should watch his tongue. 187 00:09:16,725 --> 00:09:19,365 Tongue's the best bit about him. Nice and loose. 188 00:09:19,445 --> 00:09:20,925 Now, are you gonna help us or not? 189 00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:23,805 Look, hypothetically speaking, 190 00:09:23,885 --> 00:09:25,525 there's no fucking chance. 191 00:09:25,605 --> 00:09:27,525 The second Tony's application is processed, 192 00:09:27,605 --> 00:09:30,005 it'll get voted on by the lodge members and then blackballed 193 00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:32,445 by at least three of his former employees. 194 00:09:33,765 --> 00:09:36,125 - Hypothetically. - There's also the more pressing issue 195 00:09:36,205 --> 00:09:39,325 that I don't want to join the fucking wanky-handshake brigade. 196 00:09:39,405 --> 00:09:40,925 Sometimes, Tony, 197 00:09:41,005 --> 00:09:43,805 the road to success is a rocky one, and we have to tread on some stones. 198 00:09:43,885 --> 00:09:47,205 We're not in one of your poxy seminars now, Professor Plum. 199 00:09:47,285 --> 00:09:49,165 You are my employee. 200 00:09:49,245 --> 00:09:53,325 I'm not having my arse pumped by some ceremonial goat just to boost your bonus. 201 00:09:53,405 --> 00:09:56,445 We don't pump anyone's arses with goats. 202 00:09:56,525 --> 00:09:58,125 Oh, so you do know what we're talking about. 203 00:09:58,205 --> 00:10:01,285 Listen, Miss Hotshot, you're the one I'm paying top dollar. 204 00:10:01,365 --> 00:10:03,085 It's down to you to bring in sales. 205 00:10:03,165 --> 00:10:06,045 Now, sort this slump or sayonara. 206 00:10:07,045 --> 00:10:09,485 That's French for "fuck off." 207 00:10:10,925 --> 00:10:13,125 It now remains to be seen 208 00:10:13,205 --> 00:10:17,245 whether the Egyptian authorities will, as promised, 209 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:20,285 open the door in the great pyramid 210 00:10:20,365 --> 00:10:22,605 and reveal what is behind it. 211 00:10:22,685 --> 00:10:26,165 The eyes of the world are watching. 212 00:10:27,205 --> 00:10:29,045 Any questions? 213 00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,445 Here at the lodge, my dullard brothers continue to do 214 00:10:31,525 --> 00:10:34,845 all-male secret society meetings completely fucking wrong. 215 00:10:35,845 --> 00:10:37,085 Brother Swan. 216 00:10:37,165 --> 00:10:38,605 Wonderful talk, Brother Kemp. 217 00:10:38,685 --> 00:10:42,405 I was wondering, if we could employ the principle of a pyramid structure 218 00:10:42,485 --> 00:10:45,245 in the construction of a double-glazed conservatory, 219 00:10:45,325 --> 00:10:47,085 would anyone here be interested? 220 00:10:48,165 --> 00:10:49,845 - [all chattering] - Yeah, absolutely. 221 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,205 - Count me in. - [man] Yes. 222 00:10:57,085 --> 00:11:00,685 [Vincent] At least it was driving my northern nemesis bat-shit crazy. 223 00:11:00,765 --> 00:11:03,805 And I wasn't the only one deriving pleasure from Jo's fury. 224 00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:10,805 Drop 'em, pretty boy. It's expresso fuck time. 225 00:11:10,885 --> 00:11:13,285 - Sorry, I... - Can we maybe not have a chat, yeah? 226 00:11:13,365 --> 00:11:15,765 I've had an asshole of a day and haven't really got long. 227 00:11:15,845 --> 00:11:18,765 If you just get your cock out and let mama climb on board. 228 00:11:21,565 --> 00:11:24,405 Oh, come on. It's every man's fantasy, a zipless fuck. 229 00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:28,485 Yeah, look, I know I'm letting all men everywhere down by saying this. 230 00:11:28,565 --> 00:11:32,125 It's just, zipless fucks are all we ever have. 231 00:11:32,205 --> 00:11:33,845 I mean, what kind of a relationship is this? 232 00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:36,285 One that started out as industrial espionage. 233 00:11:36,365 --> 00:11:38,645 Now it's more a sex-on-tap thing. 234 00:11:38,725 --> 00:11:41,325 I can always turn the tap off if you can't handle it, Martin. 235 00:11:41,405 --> 00:11:45,045 No, all I'm saying is, sometimes I wouldn't mind a zip-full fuck. 236 00:11:45,565 --> 00:11:49,405 I'm bored of all this mindless shagging. It's like you only want me for my body. 237 00:11:49,485 --> 00:11:52,605 I mean, can't you at least buy me dinner first? 238 00:11:52,685 --> 00:11:54,245 - What do you mean, like a date? - Yeah. 239 00:11:54,325 --> 00:11:56,365 Nice meal. 240 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,125 Maybe a movie. 241 00:11:59,045 --> 00:12:01,165 You're so fucking weird. 242 00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:03,685 Lovely. 243 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,325 [Vincent] Thanks to my new best pal, Bruce, 244 00:12:05,405 --> 00:12:06,925 every Mason and half the Essex police force 245 00:12:07,045 --> 00:12:09,285 were queuing up for one of my conservatory deals. 246 00:12:09,365 --> 00:12:10,765 - All right? - Mm. 247 00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:12,845 I don't suppose there's any chance of you sharing about 248 00:12:12,925 --> 00:12:15,685 all this new Masonic business in a brotherly fashion? 249 00:12:15,765 --> 00:12:17,645 That Masonic bollocks doesn't wash with me. 250 00:12:17,725 --> 00:12:20,525 We're salesmen, Brian. You know the rules. It's every man for himself. 251 00:12:20,605 --> 00:12:23,645 I need to get the money together so I can move out the fucking shed. 252 00:12:23,725 --> 00:12:25,525 Look, once I can earn back Ronnie's trust, 253 00:12:25,605 --> 00:12:28,765 I'll start spreading the love a little more, and everyone benefits. 254 00:12:28,845 --> 00:12:32,005 Can we at least talk about Maureen's lesbie friend's leaking porch? 255 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,685 They're giving me a right earache. 256 00:12:33,765 --> 00:12:35,725 I'm sorry, mate. You're gonna have to clean up your own mess. 257 00:12:35,805 --> 00:12:38,445 Ronnie's put a hold on all repair jobs. 258 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,125 - It's your fucking mess! - [door opens] 259 00:12:40,205 --> 00:12:42,125 - Morning, all. - Watch out. 260 00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:43,725 Mein führer's on the prowl. 261 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,765 - Good morning, Ronald. - Ah. 262 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:48,125 Let me guess. You've come to check out all the roaring business 263 00:12:48,205 --> 00:12:50,125 I'm doing with our brothers from many mothers. 264 00:12:50,205 --> 00:12:53,925 Aha. You really are an unbearable prick when your tail's up 265 00:12:54,005 --> 00:12:55,485 which can only mean one thing. 266 00:12:55,565 --> 00:12:57,365 Another record week under our belt. 267 00:12:57,445 --> 00:13:00,765 That's great work, Vinnie. Great work. 268 00:13:00,845 --> 00:13:04,645 I think it's time you and I revisited the little bonus discussion, yeah? 269 00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:07,205 Come on. Let's have a little dicky bird out the back. 270 00:13:07,285 --> 00:13:10,405 Ronnie, it's not another Persian rug, is it? 271 00:13:10,885 --> 00:13:13,725 No, don't be daft. I think you'll find what I've got in the back of the car 272 00:13:13,805 --> 00:13:16,565 will make Sam and your backwards little boy very happy. 273 00:13:18,485 --> 00:13:20,005 [chuckles] 274 00:13:21,325 --> 00:13:23,485 [Vincent] Ronnie, please tell me there's a briefcase full of cash 275 00:13:23,565 --> 00:13:25,525 underneath that wolf you've got in the back of your car. 276 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:26,885 Meet Nigel. 277 00:13:26,925 --> 00:13:28,525 One previous owner, 278 00:13:28,605 --> 00:13:31,005 schizophrenic publican from Romford. 279 00:13:31,085 --> 00:13:34,005 Mistreated the poor mutt, which is why he's so quiet. 280 00:13:34,085 --> 00:13:36,125 Even better. A depressed wolf. 281 00:13:36,205 --> 00:13:38,925 Come on, misery guts, look at him. 282 00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:42,125 Nigel is a thoroughbred. You can put him out to stud, 283 00:13:42,205 --> 00:13:44,405 and you will earn a fucking fortune, son. 284 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,925 Obviously, after he's recovered from years of abuse by a psychopath. 285 00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:50,405 Nah. Sorry, I'm not having it. You can keep your dog. 286 00:13:50,485 --> 00:13:52,485 - What the fuck? - Oh, look. 287 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,805 He likes you. Look, eh? 288 00:13:54,885 --> 00:13:59,045 You know, studies show that owning a pet can be very therapeutic to divvy kids. 289 00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:01,405 The little missus will be over the moon. 290 00:14:01,485 --> 00:14:03,005 I suppose the kids have always wanted a dog. 291 00:14:03,085 --> 00:14:04,885 Yeah. 292 00:14:05,925 --> 00:14:09,685 Kids, guess what your incredible pops has got you. 293 00:14:10,285 --> 00:14:11,525 [barking] 294 00:14:12,405 --> 00:14:14,085 - What? Yes! - Dad, you're the best. 295 00:14:15,045 --> 00:14:16,325 - I am, aren't I? - Jesus! 296 00:14:16,405 --> 00:14:18,245 - Whoa! - Nigel! 297 00:14:19,485 --> 00:14:21,765 Hello, baby. How was your day? 298 00:14:21,845 --> 00:14:23,645 [barking, snarling] 299 00:14:25,245 --> 00:14:26,725 What the fuck is that thing, Vincent? 300 00:14:26,805 --> 00:14:29,325 [Vincent] Nigel was gonna need a few days to get over his trust issues. 301 00:14:29,405 --> 00:14:31,045 Take him back! 302 00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:33,925 I can't put Nigel through any more rejection. It'll break him. 303 00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:37,205 Let's just give it a few days, we sort of get used to each other, at least. 304 00:14:37,285 --> 00:14:40,645 [Vincent] Until then, the rest of the family could always live upstairs. 305 00:14:42,525 --> 00:14:44,925 - [barking] - Go on, Nige. Good boy. 306 00:14:45,005 --> 00:14:47,405 Oh, hello, Mr. Doggy. 307 00:14:51,285 --> 00:14:54,285 - [tapping on window] - Shoo, you dirty dog! Shoo! 308 00:14:54,365 --> 00:14:55,725 - Vincent, for Chrissake! - Nigel! 309 00:14:55,805 --> 00:14:58,085 - Oh, no! - Sorry, Pat. 310 00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:01,565 Just so you know, if that dog mucks up our chances 311 00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:03,925 of getting Robbie into Patricia's grammar school, I'm gonna have him put to sleep. 312 00:15:04,045 --> 00:15:06,765 I don't decide where he shits, sweetheart. It's in his nature. 313 00:15:06,845 --> 00:15:10,845 Hmm. Just like it was in your nature to sell them a bloody leaking conservatory. 314 00:15:10,925 --> 00:15:13,485 How many times do I have to tell you, it's not leaking. 315 00:15:13,565 --> 00:15:15,765 It's fucking settling. 316 00:15:15,845 --> 00:15:17,285 Talk to me like that again, Vincent, 317 00:15:17,365 --> 00:15:19,445 and I'll see if I can get a two-for-one deal on exterminations. 318 00:15:19,525 --> 00:15:23,405 You're right. I'm sorry. I just... I'm a bit grouchy at the moment. 319 00:15:23,485 --> 00:15:25,405 It's all these late nights at the lodge. 320 00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:29,085 Speaking of which, do you fancy a boys' night out? 321 00:15:29,645 --> 00:15:32,365 - Boys? - Well, one boy, 322 00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:35,365 who is a right looker and a demon between the sheets. 323 00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:38,325 - [Nigel barks] - Huh? 324 00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:41,725 - [barks] - [child] Mummy! 325 00:15:41,805 --> 00:15:44,285 [child crying] 326 00:15:48,605 --> 00:15:51,485 [Vincent] And Nigel wasn't the only one having settling issues. 327 00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:53,565 Thank you, my love. 328 00:15:53,645 --> 00:15:55,365 Brother Bruce. 329 00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:57,365 What brings you to my place of work? 330 00:15:59,205 --> 00:16:02,005 My conservatory is fucking leaking. 331 00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:03,885 That's spooky. 332 00:16:03,925 --> 00:16:06,325 The conservatory you sold your neighbor, that's leaking as well. 333 00:16:06,405 --> 00:16:08,165 Nothing's leaking, Carol, thank you. 334 00:16:08,245 --> 00:16:09,845 As they're both new installations, 335 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,045 they're what we call in the trade, "settling." 336 00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:14,885 Oh, fuck me. What's Thyroid doing here? 337 00:16:14,925 --> 00:16:16,805 I told you, Stacey's mum's porch. 338 00:16:16,885 --> 00:16:18,805 I want a word with you, Vincent, yes. 339 00:16:18,885 --> 00:16:21,525 Stacey's mum's beside herself. Everything in the hallway stinks of damp. 340 00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:23,925 I appreciate table manners aren't your strong suit, Maureen, 341 00:16:24,045 --> 00:16:26,605 but you're gonna have to wait 'cause I'm currently dealing with a customer. 342 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:29,445 Uh, we're customers too. We have the same rights to be heard as men. 343 00:16:29,525 --> 00:16:32,445 Yes, you have, when it's your turn, sweetheart. 344 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,485 Now, Bruce, as I was saying, all new conservatories leak, so... 345 00:16:35,565 --> 00:16:37,525 Oh, stop ignoring me and my girlfriend. It's pathetic. 346 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,245 And very sexist. 347 00:16:40,605 --> 00:16:42,925 As I explained, I'm more than happy to discuss 348 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,245 the snagging issues with the porch in good time. 349 00:16:45,325 --> 00:16:47,925 If you want to make an appointment with Carol, she'll get an engineer out 350 00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:50,925 to examine Stacey's mum's smelly, damp entrance. 351 00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:53,085 Now, if you'll excuse me... 352 00:16:53,165 --> 00:16:54,685 Right, that's it. 353 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:58,925 [Bruce] I really hope I haven't put myself out to recommend Cachet 354 00:16:59,005 --> 00:17:02,285 to my brother Masons, only for them to find that they've been let down 355 00:17:02,365 --> 00:17:04,205 by shoddy workmanship. 356 00:17:04,285 --> 00:17:06,405 - Uh, Vincent... - Not now, Carol. Look, Bruce, 357 00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:08,925 I take offense to people calling our workmanship shoddy. 358 00:17:09,005 --> 00:17:10,445 Vincent! 359 00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:14,645 Oh, don't be fucking ridiculous. Take the cuffs off and clear off! 360 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:16,844 No way. Fix Stacey's mum's porch, 361 00:17:16,925 --> 00:17:19,525 or I'll stay here till you do, no matter how long it takes. 362 00:17:19,604 --> 00:17:21,765 - You don't have to do that, Maureen. - No, no, no, Stace. 363 00:17:21,844 --> 00:17:24,565 It's like you said, yeah? Deeds, not words. 364 00:17:24,645 --> 00:17:26,485 I'm prepared to stay here till our voice is heard. 365 00:17:27,285 --> 00:17:30,604 That is so romantic. 366 00:17:34,205 --> 00:17:37,565 Although I am teaching an aerobics class at 3:00, so I'll have to leave you to it. 367 00:17:39,445 --> 00:17:41,485 She's hilarious. [laughing] 368 00:17:41,565 --> 00:17:44,325 - Uh, no, really, I do have to go. - Just hurry up and shift your arse 369 00:17:44,405 --> 00:17:46,685 before my friend the policeman here shifts it for you. 370 00:17:47,245 --> 00:17:49,405 I'm not shifting anyone's arse, 371 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,445 not till you fix my conservatory as well. 372 00:17:51,525 --> 00:17:53,925 - [scoffs] - And I advise you to do it double quick, 373 00:17:54,045 --> 00:17:58,045 before me and my friends at CID takes an interest in all the dodgy crap 374 00:17:58,125 --> 00:18:01,085 that you and Ronnie Farrell are undoubtedly up to. 375 00:18:02,925 --> 00:18:04,365 Excuse me, madam. 376 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,925 You need to grow up, Maureen. 377 00:18:11,605 --> 00:18:14,245 Uh, Worshipful Master. 378 00:18:14,325 --> 00:18:17,765 - Or should I just call you Bruce? - No, you shouldn't. 379 00:18:17,845 --> 00:18:20,885 No, of course. Forget I suggested it. 380 00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:23,725 Listen, could I have a word? 381 00:18:23,805 --> 00:18:27,245 [Vincent] Meanwhile, it was date night for double-glazing's most duplicitous couple. 382 00:18:27,325 --> 00:18:30,165 So how do they work, then, these dates of which you speak? 383 00:18:30,245 --> 00:18:33,165 Oh, you know, you tell me about some terrible past relationship, 384 00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:35,045 I tell you about one of mine, and then, 385 00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,685 if we're really, really lucky, we start a terrible relationship of our own. 386 00:18:37,765 --> 00:18:40,245 [chuckles] They can't all have been terrible. 387 00:18:40,325 --> 00:18:43,165 - Uh, no, pretty much. - So you've never been in love? 388 00:18:44,845 --> 00:18:47,565 - Well, maybe once. - Was that the married one? 389 00:18:47,645 --> 00:18:49,605 - Come on, you can tell me, Martin. - [chuckles] 390 00:18:50,285 --> 00:18:52,245 Trust me, I really, really can't. 391 00:18:52,685 --> 00:18:56,325 Uh, okay. What do you fancy? 392 00:18:56,405 --> 00:18:58,765 Oh, you know, spring rolls, crispy duck, 393 00:18:58,845 --> 00:19:02,325 and me favorite, cream of some young sales guy. 394 00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:06,445 - Oh, bollocks. - I do like them too. Oh, what's there? 395 00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:09,725 - There's a table at the back there. - Isn't that Martin? 396 00:19:10,405 --> 00:19:12,445 Oh, so that must be Jo Scott. 397 00:19:12,525 --> 00:19:14,605 Blimey, she's gorgeous. 398 00:19:14,685 --> 00:19:16,925 - Remarkably gorgeous. - If you like that sort of thing. 399 00:19:17,005 --> 00:19:18,925 Yeah, well, you do like that sort of thing. 400 00:19:19,045 --> 00:19:21,445 - Got to say hello. - We really don't. 401 00:19:22,285 --> 00:19:26,045 - Sam, Vincent. What a surprise. - Fraternizing with the enemy, Lavender? 402 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:29,245 Oh, busted. Damn it. Won't be able to put this through expenses now. 403 00:19:30,005 --> 00:19:32,605 Sorry. If I have to wait for introduction, we'll be here all night, 404 00:19:32,685 --> 00:19:35,005 - I'm Sam, Vincent's wife. - Hello, Sam. I'm Jo. 405 00:19:35,085 --> 00:19:37,365 I heard you were beautiful, but wow. 406 00:19:37,445 --> 00:19:39,525 Punching above your weight with this stunner, Vincent. 407 00:19:40,765 --> 00:19:42,165 Anyway, we don't want to disturb your evening. 408 00:19:42,245 --> 00:19:44,205 Something we can all fucking agree on, for once. 409 00:19:44,285 --> 00:19:46,445 - Vincent... - Oh, sit with us. 410 00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:48,045 - Yeah? - Yeah. 411 00:19:48,925 --> 00:19:50,125 - Yeah? - Yeah. 412 00:19:50,205 --> 00:19:53,045 Lovely. Thanks, babe. 413 00:19:54,765 --> 00:19:56,485 [Vincent] While we were on the double date from hell, 414 00:19:56,565 --> 00:19:58,765 Fitzpatrick was throwing the kitchen sink at the Masons 415 00:19:58,845 --> 00:20:00,925 in an attempt to drum up some business. 416 00:20:02,525 --> 00:20:04,565 I'd like to thank Brother Fitzpatrick 417 00:20:04,645 --> 00:20:07,445 for supplying us with such excellent steak. 418 00:20:07,525 --> 00:20:08,605 [all] Hear, hear. 419 00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:10,845 And for arranging the after-dinner entertainment 420 00:20:10,925 --> 00:20:12,885 that we are about to enjoy. 421 00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,285 Oh, there's no need, Reverend. There's no need, really. 422 00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:19,045 Um, no, it's the least I could do. 423 00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:21,365 Before we crack on with tonight's presentation, 424 00:20:21,445 --> 00:20:24,005 can I just say how deeply touched 425 00:20:24,085 --> 00:20:26,885 I've been with the respectful welcome 426 00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:29,405 you've all given me this past month. 427 00:20:29,485 --> 00:20:31,165 If anything, too respectful. 428 00:20:31,245 --> 00:20:33,485 But now that we all know 429 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:36,725 and... trust each other... [chuckles] 430 00:20:36,805 --> 00:20:38,885 I'd like to show my appreciation, 431 00:20:38,925 --> 00:20:42,685 so please raise your glasses to what I am sure you members 432 00:20:42,765 --> 00:20:44,725 are gonna want to make a regular occurrence, 433 00:20:44,805 --> 00:20:50,165 Brother Brian's steak and sauce night. 434 00:20:50,245 --> 00:20:52,085 [all] Steak and sauce. 435 00:20:52,165 --> 00:20:55,445 This week's theme is the historical ties 436 00:20:55,525 --> 00:20:59,365 between the Freemasons and the Vatican. 437 00:20:59,445 --> 00:21:00,885 [dance music plays] 438 00:21:00,925 --> 00:21:03,005 - [women whooping] - Guys... 439 00:21:03,085 --> 00:21:04,805 [chuckles] 440 00:21:04,885 --> 00:21:06,405 Here we go, eh? 441 00:21:07,525 --> 00:21:08,805 Hey! 442 00:21:08,885 --> 00:21:11,525 - [women cooing, laughing] - Whoa! Eh? 443 00:21:12,205 --> 00:21:13,565 Look at that! 444 00:21:13,645 --> 00:21:14,925 What do you reckon? 445 00:21:16,365 --> 00:21:17,485 Go on. 446 00:21:19,405 --> 00:21:21,765 - [women] Whoo! - [laughs] Steady on! 447 00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:23,445 Ahh! 448 00:21:23,525 --> 00:21:24,725 Whoa! 449 00:21:27,485 --> 00:21:29,765 All right, boys, who wants to play with my rosary beads? 450 00:21:29,845 --> 00:21:31,845 - [woman] Oh! - I fucking do! 451 00:21:31,925 --> 00:21:34,765 ♪ Sitting here eating my heart out, waiting ♪ 452 00:21:34,845 --> 00:21:35,765 Way-hey! 453 00:21:35,845 --> 00:21:38,125 ♪ Waiting for some lover to call ♪ 454 00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:39,565 Mwah! 455 00:21:39,645 --> 00:21:42,725 ♪ Dialed about a thousand numbers... ♪ 456 00:21:42,805 --> 00:21:45,325 Look, Jo, don't worry about Vincent. 457 00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,365 He's just stressed. 458 00:21:47,445 --> 00:21:49,925 He's got problems with his biggest customer. 459 00:21:50,005 --> 00:21:53,125 Ouch. Well, I know what that feels like. 460 00:21:53,205 --> 00:21:54,405 Local is it? 461 00:21:54,485 --> 00:21:57,925 Mm, big cheese in the bloody Masons. 462 00:21:58,045 --> 00:22:01,005 Really? Sounds complicated. 463 00:22:01,085 --> 00:22:04,765 It is, especially because Bruce is a policeman. 464 00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:06,685 Right. 465 00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:10,885 Listen, Jo, I know you've got your issues with Vincent, 466 00:22:10,925 --> 00:22:13,325 and I know he can be an asshole, but... 467 00:22:13,405 --> 00:22:16,645 he's my asshole. And your Martin's a good man. 468 00:22:16,725 --> 00:22:19,925 My Martin? Oh, I don't know if we'd call him that. 469 00:22:21,205 --> 00:22:24,085 Just treat him right, yeah, Jo? Promise me that. 470 00:22:24,165 --> 00:22:25,805 He's been through enough. 471 00:22:32,605 --> 00:22:35,085 ♪ The victims we know so well ♪ 472 00:22:35,165 --> 00:22:39,165 ♪ They shine in your eyes when they kiss and tell ♪ 473 00:22:39,245 --> 00:22:42,445 - ♪ Strange places we never see ♪ - Oh. 474 00:22:42,565 --> 00:22:46,365 ♪ But you're always there like a ghost in my dream ♪ 475 00:22:46,445 --> 00:22:49,765 - ♪ And I keep on telling you ♪ - Thank you. 476 00:22:49,845 --> 00:22:53,045 ♪ Please don't do the things you do ♪ 477 00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:55,325 - Okay? - Yeah. Totally. 478 00:22:55,405 --> 00:22:57,645 ♪ When you do those things Pull my puppet strings ♪ 479 00:22:57,725 --> 00:23:01,205 ♪ Have the strangest void for you ♪ 480 00:23:01,285 --> 00:23:04,725 You bring strippers and prostitutes into the Masonic lodge 481 00:23:04,805 --> 00:23:09,245 who drape themselves over our brothers and offer them casual sex? 482 00:23:09,845 --> 00:23:12,525 Oh, you make that sound like it's a bad thing. 483 00:23:12,605 --> 00:23:14,165 I'm left with no alternative 484 00:23:14,245 --> 00:23:16,925 but to elect a law of our sacred brotherhood 485 00:23:17,045 --> 00:23:20,125 that has not been used in this lodge for 150 years! 486 00:23:20,205 --> 00:23:21,925 Please don't hurt us. 487 00:23:23,205 --> 00:23:25,685 I'm expelling you all from the Masons! 488 00:23:26,365 --> 00:23:28,765 - Thank God. - Bloody hell. 489 00:23:28,845 --> 00:23:32,485 We're out for holding an orgy at a satanic sex club? 490 00:23:32,925 --> 00:23:34,565 I mean, that is literally like getting the sack 491 00:23:34,645 --> 00:23:36,765 for organizing a piss-up at a brewery. 492 00:23:36,845 --> 00:23:38,845 We're not a satanic anything. 493 00:23:38,925 --> 00:23:39,845 Well... 494 00:23:39,925 --> 00:23:43,165 You only ever saw our fraternity as a business opportunity. 495 00:23:43,245 --> 00:23:46,125 You have violated several of our most sacred vows, 496 00:23:46,205 --> 00:23:48,445 not least the code of secrecy. 497 00:23:49,245 --> 00:23:52,045 Brother Brendan was most distressed to have his brotherhood revealed. 498 00:23:52,125 --> 00:23:54,125 - That wasn't us. - [Vincent] Just be honest, Bruce. 499 00:23:54,205 --> 00:23:57,765 This is all some power play because of a little settling in your conservatory. 500 00:23:57,845 --> 00:23:59,605 No. 501 00:23:59,685 --> 00:24:01,165 To put it frankly, 502 00:24:01,245 --> 00:24:04,925 if this was 1785 and not 1985, the three of you 503 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:08,085 would've had your throats slit and your tongues ripped out! 504 00:24:08,885 --> 00:24:10,685 Besides, as of this morning, 505 00:24:10,765 --> 00:24:12,925 my conservatory is not leaking anymore. 506 00:24:13,925 --> 00:24:17,285 - Because it's settled. Thank you. - No. 507 00:24:17,365 --> 00:24:20,165 Because someone has offered to fix it free of charge 508 00:24:20,245 --> 00:24:24,325 and undercut Cachet's prices on any home improvements 509 00:24:24,405 --> 00:24:26,565 our members might want in the future. 510 00:24:27,205 --> 00:24:30,685 Uh, you might even know the young lady. Uh, she said to send her love. 511 00:24:30,765 --> 00:24:33,725 Miss Jo Scott of W-Windows? 512 00:24:34,685 --> 00:24:36,005 W. Windows. 513 00:24:40,765 --> 00:24:43,365 [sighs] How the fuck did Jo hear about Bruce? 514 00:24:43,445 --> 00:24:45,845 How do you fucking think? Old Supergrass over here. 515 00:24:45,925 --> 00:24:47,685 She didn't hear it from me, if that's what you're implying. 516 00:24:47,765 --> 00:24:49,325 Your girlfriend's really starting to get on my tits. 517 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:52,685 Hang on. You're the one who insisted I went out with her. 518 00:24:53,045 --> 00:24:55,725 So that's it. I'm finishing with that untrustworthy, 519 00:24:55,805 --> 00:24:58,605 devious, unbelievably sexy asshole. 520 00:24:58,685 --> 00:25:02,205 See, this is what you get when you send in a soppy little boy to do a man's job. 521 00:25:02,285 --> 00:25:05,125 Now, if you want, I'll go in and seduce the fucking shit out of her. 522 00:25:05,205 --> 00:25:07,205 - Just say the word. - Yeah, I think I'll pass. 523 00:25:07,285 --> 00:25:10,285 Now, it might time we get Ronnie to deal with our little Jo problem. 524 00:25:10,645 --> 00:25:13,805 - I mean, seems a bit over-the-top. - As is getting our bowels fed to the birds 525 00:25:13,885 --> 00:25:16,045 just so she can sell some fucking conservatories. 526 00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:17,245 - Fair enough. - [Nigel snarling] 527 00:25:17,325 --> 00:25:20,285 Uh, you might want to come and see this, Vincent. 528 00:25:20,365 --> 00:25:23,445 No. Nigel, you stupid fucking prick! 529 00:25:24,485 --> 00:25:26,725 [Vincent] While I could overlook most of Nigel's character flaws, 530 00:25:26,805 --> 00:25:28,925 eating the dashboard of my Mercedes was tantamount 531 00:25:29,005 --> 00:25:31,405 to checking himself into Battersea Dogs Home. 532 00:25:31,485 --> 00:25:34,645 And he wasn't even the craziest beast I had to deal with that morning. 533 00:25:38,285 --> 00:25:39,485 Really? 534 00:25:39,565 --> 00:25:42,165 - Who let Little and Large in here again? - Well, I tried to tell them, 535 00:25:42,245 --> 00:25:46,245 but Stacey reminded me that peaceful protest is a democratic right. 536 00:25:46,325 --> 00:25:48,005 It would be in a democracy, Carol, 537 00:25:48,085 --> 00:25:50,605 but this is a dictatorship, not Greenham fucking Common. 538 00:25:50,685 --> 00:25:53,045 If those twats aren't out of my showroom 539 00:25:53,125 --> 00:25:55,645 by the time I get back from lunch, you're sacked. 540 00:25:55,725 --> 00:25:58,725 Well, hang on. Listen. This is my fuck-up here. 541 00:25:58,805 --> 00:26:00,725 Carol's done nothing wrong, so... 542 00:26:00,805 --> 00:26:03,525 if anyone should be sacked, it should be me. 543 00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:05,205 - Absolutely fine by me. - [snarling, barking] 544 00:26:05,285 --> 00:26:06,285 - Whoa, there! - [gasps] 545 00:26:06,365 --> 00:26:08,405 Nigel! You want to bite Brian? 546 00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:10,645 Run, Brian, run. Run. 547 00:26:10,725 --> 00:26:12,085 [all gasping] 548 00:26:12,165 --> 00:26:14,045 Lock it now. Brian, lock it. 549 00:26:14,885 --> 00:26:18,365 - I hope this is one of your jokes, Stace. - Sorry, Maureen. 550 00:26:18,445 --> 00:26:20,685 - I'm not as strong as you. - Nigel! 551 00:26:21,405 --> 00:26:24,725 Huh. He doesn't normally take to strangers. 552 00:26:26,325 --> 00:26:28,805 Maybe we could come to some sort of an arrangement here, ladies. 553 00:26:30,805 --> 00:26:34,085 [Vincent] Even though Ronnie would go ballistic about the refitting costs, 554 00:26:34,165 --> 00:26:37,765 I figured life's too short to be lumbered with a psycho dog from hell... and Nigel. 555 00:26:37,845 --> 00:26:40,125 Hello, beautiful. Hello, gorgeous. 556 00:26:40,205 --> 00:26:42,645 - Hello, gorgeous. - Bye, Stace. I'll see you later. 557 00:26:42,725 --> 00:26:45,485 [Vincent]Stacey's showroom cowardice was such a turnoff for Maureen, 558 00:26:45,565 --> 00:26:47,405 she decided to invest in a relationship with someone 559 00:26:47,485 --> 00:26:49,125 she considered more her savage equal. 560 00:26:49,205 --> 00:26:51,845 I can see it now, grandkids running through, sunshine coming in. 561 00:26:51,925 --> 00:26:54,445 It's done. Vinnie, I've, uh, 562 00:26:54,525 --> 00:26:56,925 dealt with our attractive little W-Windows problem. 563 00:26:57,045 --> 00:26:59,845 Sorry. Excuse me one moment. That is the boss. 564 00:27:00,605 --> 00:27:03,565 All right, let's, uh, try and keep it down a bit, eh, Ronnie? 565 00:27:03,645 --> 00:27:06,525 It's probably better all around if we never have this conversation, 566 00:27:06,605 --> 00:27:07,765 if you know what I mean. 567 00:27:07,845 --> 00:27:11,205 You bloody pillock. What sort of man do you think I am? 568 00:27:11,285 --> 00:27:13,805 If someone's selling more windows than you, you don't kill them. 569 00:27:13,885 --> 00:27:16,125 You offer them a fucking job, son. 570 00:27:16,205 --> 00:27:19,765 I'd like you to meet your new co-showroom manager, Miss Joanne Scott. 571 00:27:19,845 --> 00:27:22,085 - ♪ Ta-da ♪ - What? 572 00:27:22,565 --> 00:27:24,565 No, I'm the fucking showroom manager. 573 00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:26,765 And so is she. 574 00:27:30,805 --> 00:27:33,685 Look forward to job-sharing with you, Vincent. 575 00:27:33,765 --> 00:27:37,005 [Vincent] It looked like life at Cachet was about to become dog-eat-dog. 576 00:27:39,285 --> 00:27:41,285 - Although for Fitzpatrick... - Nigel? 577 00:27:41,365 --> 00:27:44,005 ...life was very much now dog-eats-him. 578 00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:47,085 - [barking] - [exclaims] 579 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:51,685 ♪ And I want you really, but the thing is there's nothing I can say ♪ 580 00:27:51,765 --> 00:27:56,125 ♪ To stop you, darling, from running Running away ♪ 581 00:27:56,205 --> 00:27:58,845 ♪ Won't you stay, stay ♪ 582 00:27:58,925 --> 00:28:02,245 ♪ Stay ♪ 583 00:28:02,725 --> 00:28:06,365 - ♪ I wanna be your ♪ - ♪ Lover, lover ♪ 584 00:28:06,445 --> 00:28:08,925 ♪ Yeah, I wanna be your boy ♪ 585 00:28:09,005 --> 00:28:10,605 ♪ Lover, lover ♪ 586 00:28:10,685 --> 00:28:13,045 {\an8}♪ I wanna be your love ♪ 587 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:15,125 {\an8}♪ Boy ♪ 49082

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