All language subtitles for Naked.Gun.33.1.3.The.Final.Insult.1994.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG_Subtitles01.ENG

[clock chiming]

[baby crying]

[woman]
Hey, look!
It's the President!

And the Pope!

Yee-aah! Yah!

Ooh-la-la-la-la-la!

Ow!

Waah!

Waah!

Waah!

[man]
Oh, my God!

Look! It's disgruntled
postal workers!

[click]

Wait a minute!
Give me
my baby back!

Aah! Aah!

Frank!

Frank,
are you all right?

I'm soaking wet.

I'll get
the talcum powder.

No. It's not that.
I had a nightmare.

There was crime
all around me.

I couldn't stop it.

Oh, Frank,
It was just a dream.

All I need is
a good night's rest.

In the morning,
everything will be
just fine.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Whoa!

[whistle blows]

Show me
what you got!

Ow!

[bells ring]

Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

Ah-ha ha ha ha ha!

[beep]

[buzzer]

How's my little boy?

Getting along okay,
sweetie?

About as well as
a heterosexual can
in prison.

I don't know how much
longer I can take it in here.

Ma, how's Tanya?

Tanya's the same.

Milky, creamy skin,

pouting red lips,
firm buttocks,

ample breasts,

ears you'd love
to stick your tongue into.

Ma, please!
I'll get guy cramps
if you keep this up.

Sorry.

Rocco, there's somebody
here to see you.

Papshmir.

My people
are very upset.

They're always upset.

They're Arab terrorists.

Ma, please.

You're supposed to be

the foremost
terrorist bomber
in the world--

train stations,
department stores,
government buildings.

The devastation
in South Florida?

That was
hurricane Andrew.

That's what
they told the public.

No matter.

We wanted to embarrass
the United States,

and now you've
made the police

look like
international heroes.

I told ya,
A first-class job

costs $5 million.

If you want to
step up to the price,

I got a target
that'll make city hall
look like chicken feed.

That's
a pretty big target,

but why should
I think anything

would be different?

'Cause $5 million
buys me.

I'm breaking out of here.

All right,

but fail this time,
Mr. Dillon,

and my people
won't be so forgiving.

Fail?

Show me one man
who can stop me.

["Hip to be Square" plays]

♪ I used to be a renegade ♪

♪ I used to fool around ♪

♪ But I couldn't take ♪

♪ The punishment ♪

♪ And had to settle down ♪

♪ Now I'm playing it
real straight ♪

♪ And, yes,
I cut my hair... ♪

[man over P.A.]
Attention, shoppers.

Be sure to check out
our paper towel special
on aisle 7.

♪ It's hip to be square ♪

That's aisle 7.

♪ It's hip to be square... ♪♪

Aah!

Hey!

Help!

Give it to me!

My purse!
Somebody help me!

My purse!

[man] Stop fighting me!

♪ He's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪

Hear! Hear!

Well...

We shot a lot
of people together.

It's been great.

But today I retire,

so if I do
any shooting now,

it'll have to be
within the confines
of my own home.

Hopefully, it will be
an intruder

and not an in-law
like at my bachelor party.

Well, Ed,

I officially
give you my gun...

Oh...

and my-- My badge...

Oh.

Oh, I...

and, uh...

Jane and I would like
to keep the handcuffs

as a souvenir.

Oh...

Cheer up, Ed.
This is not goodbye.

It's just "I won't
ever see you again."

Oh, Frank.

[woman] My purse!

Somebody help me!

Out of my way!

Lieutenant Drebin!

Frank!

Didn't you see that?

What?

Oh, yes.
Kitty litter.

Two bags for $1.00.
Great.

[Judge Comstock]
Order in this court.

The jury will disregard
that last statement.

You may continue, counselor.

Alimony had been set
by the court,
right, Mr. Clayton?

Yes, but...

But not once
have you paid alimony

to my client,
in the past two years.

repeatedly defying
a court order.

Isn't that right,
Mr. Clayton?

I lost her address.

She moved twice.
I couldn't keep up.

Don't lie to me,
Mr. Clayton.

You're under oath.

Do you know the
penalty for perjury is?

[babies crying]

I'll ask that again.

[woman] Objection!

Your honor, I--

ow, ow. Jeez.

Counsel is leading
the witness.

[Judge Comstock]
Sustained.

[gavel pounds]

Sweetie,
mommy said no pounding
when she's in session.

Please read the prosecution's
last statement to the court.

"Don't lie to me,
Mr. Clayton.
You're under oath."

[burp]

There. That a boy.

"Do you know
what the penalty
for perjury is?"

[burp]

That's all I have,
your honor.

[Judge Comstock]
You may continue,
Ms. Spencer-Drebin.

Uh...
prosecution rests.

Defense attorney
Ms. Davis-Jacobsteiner-Laszlo?

I have
no further questions,
your honor.

Court will recess until
after the morning feed.

[squeak]

We're going to win this.
I can feel it.

Yes. Of course.

I married
the wrong man.

I never thought
that was possible.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, nothing.

Louise,
there's no such thing
as the wrong man.

You just have
to work at it.

[Dr. Eisenorath]
Now, let's see,

Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right?

Now, you two
have been married

for six months?

Yes.

We really appreciate
you seeing us, doctor.

You came
highly recommended
by our last therapist.

Yes, I was sorry to hear
about his suicide.

You know,
I feel it's important

for a couple to get off
on the right foot

and not get
caught up in blame.

Now, which one of you
is impotent?

That would be him.

Yes, of course.

Why don't you ask
who's frigid?

That would be him, also.

Oh.

How would you know?
You're never home.

He resents that
I'm a working woman.

He has no idea
what a woman
wants or needs.

You're so insensitive.

This isn't that
toilet seat thing
again, is it?

It's babies, Frank.
I want to have a baby.

Every time
we start to make love,
you have a headache.

I'm not a piece
of meat, Jane.
I'm trying.

I've got ointments,
lotions, creams, books,

things that vibrate.

Frank!

Maybe it's your fault.

Have you tried
sexy lingerie?

Some lacy underwear,
a black teddy?

I've tried
wearing them all.
They don't work.

Oh.

Why don't you want
to have a child?

Didn't I try to adopt
that 18-year-old
Korean girl?

Jane, Frank,

here's what I suggest.

Make tonight
a special night.

Dinner, wine,
romantic music.

Put on the 24-hour
Johnny Mathis Station.

Just be Jane and Frank,

lovers.

We haven't had
a night like that

in a long time.

Not together.

Frank!

Jane...

having a baby is
a big responsibility.

It's like being
in charge of sanitation
at a Haitian jail.

I'm just frightened.

Frank,
let's make tonight
something special.

Oh, honey,
it's just that
I love you so much.

My little lover sparrow.

My...

puppy-wuppy wover.

My little love biscuit.

My little
shnooky-wookums.

My little lady
cheesy puppy.

Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please,

I'm a diabetic.

I think you two
ought to go now.

I never thought
we'd end this way.

How did you think
we'd end?

I don't know.

Some other way.

Oh, Jason.

[crying]

[doorbell rings]

We have to fight
this thing... together.

Ed! Nordberg!

It's been a long time.

Hiya, Frank!

Good to see ya.

You look terrific!

Thank you, Ed.

The little woman
got me a Thighmaster.

Where are my manners?

Come on in. Come in.

How charming!

Sit, sit.

Excuse the mess.
It's my ironing day.

I just frosted
some cupcakes.

Would you care for one?

Oh, not just now.

Frank, we're having
a little problem
with a terrorist threat.

Police One is certain--

I'd love a cupcake.

That coffee smells great.

I grind my own beans.

Frank,
the reason we're here

is we need
your help with something.

That is great!

I hoped you'd like them.
Made them from scratch.

Just get off my feet
for a second.

Frank, we may have
a lead on a suspect

in the city hall
bombing attempt.

Have a look.

These pictures
were taken by
a news photographer.

We think this girl
was used as a diversion.

We had them enlarged.

They look familiar.

No, Frank, the pin.
She's a nurse.

Oh, right, yeah.
Can I keep this one?

We traced her to
the Karlson clinic
on Myrtlewood.

Her name is Tanya Peters.

Tanya Peters?

You know her?

Don't you remember
back in the 1970s?

The big disco shootout.

♪ Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk ♪

♪ I'm a woman's man ♪

♪ No time to talk ♪

♪ The music loud,
the women warm ♪

♪ I've been kicked around
since I was born ♪

♪ But now it's all right,
and that's okay ♪

♪ And you may look
the other way ♪

♪ We can try
to understand... ♪

Ed, what's
happenin', my man?

Frank, we missed you
last night
at the fondue party.

Couldn't make it.

Went to see
The Village People.

They are
a stone gas, man.

I can dig it.

What have we got here?

One dead
disco dancer.

Bummer.
What a mindbender, huh?

We think it was
a love triangle.

This is the
suspect's girlfriend
Tanya Peters.

I'll be right back.

Cigarette?

Yes, I know.

Well...

we'll need
a statement from you
down at the station.

Nordberg!

Coming, Lieutenant!

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ I'm stayin' alive... ♪♪

I do remember.

You were one of
the first test cases

for Monoxodyl,
weren't you?

What?

Well, I'm glad
I could be of help.

If you don't mind,
I've got a rump of lamb
to put in the oven.

Frank, we need
to ask you a favor.

Not that big
a rump roast,
Nordberg.

No, not that, Frank.

We need you
to go undercover
at the clinic.

Whoa, wait a minute.
I've given up police work, Ed.

You're whistling up
the wrong neck of the woods.

I wouldn't ask but
we're in a bind, Frank.

What about
those two new guys
hedges and O'Malley?

They're in Hawaii...
together.

Well, I--I can't?

Jane and I have
a special evening planned.

It will only take
a couple of hours.

You'll be home
in time to make dinner.

I don't know,

I'd have to make
pork chops.

Frank, think of
all the crime out there.

Nobody is safe.
You'd be protecting Jane.

You'd be protecting
all the Janes of the world.

Besides,
you haven't shot anybody
in six months.

That's true.

Funny how you miss
the little things.

It might be good to feel
that cold, hard steel

pressed against my thigh
once again.

The thrill of the chase,
to be a man.

[Frank]
After folding the laundry,

I set out for
the Karlson clinic.

In any police operation,
it's important to have
a foolproof disguise.

This operation
was no different.

I had no idea if Tanya
would still recognize me,

so I slipped on
a fake pair of glasses

and combed
my hair differently,
just in case.

The plan was to get in,

get information
on Tanya's connection
with the bombing,

and get out
as quickly as possible.

I figured faking
an old football injury

would do the trick.

[cough]

Can I help you?

Ah, yes, I'd like
to see a doctor, please.

Sign in here, please.

Do you have
an appointment, Mr. uh...

Uh, Smith.

Uh, no, I don't.

Then take a number.

Six.

What?

Is six taken?

Does it have to be
between one and ten?

You'll be called.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Smith?

Sir, we've just
had a cancellation.

We can take you now.
Dr. Karlson?

Good morning,
Mr. Smith.
Right this way.

I really appreciate
your seeing me like this.

I'm sure it won't
take too long.

When did you first
notice the problem?

Uh, in the backyard

with my uncle.

In the backyard
with your uncle?

Yes. When he
comes over to visit,

we like to go out
in the backyard,

throw it around
for a while.

What did you
and your uncle find out?

I can't keep up
with him.

Mine hurt, especially
on the long ones.

I can't seem to
straighten it out.

It has no feeling.

It's kind of numb.

I may have yanked it
too much, maybe.

If you would.

For what?

A sperm count.

In here?

It's not exactly
the backyard,
but it'll do.

Well.

[zipper]

[slap]

Oh!

[clang]

[glass breaking]

[zipper]

Follow me,

and we'll do
the necessary paperwork.

Sign these
at the bottom

and leave them
with the nurse
on your way out.

This way, please.

Uh, what?

Number 17.

Oh, no.

A problem?

No, no.

This is 17.
You're next.

Have we met before?

If you'll excuse me,
I'm next.

Ooh! Aah!

[glass breaking]

Aah!

[clang]

[knock knock]

Sir?

Aah!

Mr. Smith,
how are we doing?

[sheep bleats]

I've been busy,
if that's what you mean.

Would you like a videotape
to assist you?

Do you have
Dances with Wolves?

Rocketeer?
Lady and the tramp?

An adult movie.

Well...

Ooh! Aah!

Yeow!

Oh! Yes!

The tape was
very entertaining.

Follow me.

Do you have Spartacus?

[woman over P.A.]
Maintenance,
cleanup room seven.

Maintenance,
cleanup room seven,

stat.

What are you doing?

Just freshening up.

You should always
look your best

even though
you're by yourself.
You know what I mean?

Are you sure
we've never met?

Oh, here's my cup.
Back to work.

[knock knock]

Uh, Mr. Smith?

Are you okay In there?

I could use
a little help.

[woman over P.A.]
Dr. Rosenblatt,

foreplay in room seven, please.

Dr. Rosenblatt.

[scraping]

[Johnny Mathis sings "Misty"]

Honey...

I've been waiting
all day.

I'm wearing the nightgown
you bought me
for our honeymoon.

Tonight's going to be
a special night.

I'm going
to make love to you
for hours and hours.

Wouldn't Mr. Happy
like that?

Hours?

Just like the first time
we were together.

Jane, why don't I get ready
and soak in the tub
for a couple of days?

Possibly a week.

Oh, you're so cute.

Let me go get
the oysters and clams.

♪ Walk my way ♪

♪ And 1,000 violins ♪

♪ Begin to play ♪

♪ Or it might be the sound ♪

♪ Of your hello ♪

♪ That music I hear ♪

♪ I get misty ♪

♪ The moment you're near ♪

♪ You can say ♪

♪ That you're
leading me on... ♪

Here.

I'll shave your back
like last time.

Jane, I really don't
think we should.

Frank!

What's this?

I... fell on a rake.

You're lying.

Now I know
why Ed's been calling
every half hour.

You've been back
on a case,
haven't you?

No, no. I swear.
It's another woman!

In your wildest dreams!

It's bad enough you
won't have a baby,

but I warned you
about going back
to Police Squad,

you... you white anglo male!

Jane! Oh!

Jane!
It was nothing, Jane!

I was doing Ed
a small favor!

Some retirement.
I'm leaving, Frank.

I never thought
you'd go back
on your word.

Aren't you being
a little hasty?

I don't think so.

[doorbell rings]

That should be
the cab.

You can reach me
at Louise's.

Oh, Frank,
how could you?

We need time apart
to think about us.

Well, I'm not
going to think.

Why start now?
I love you.

Look, baby,

I am what I am,
and I do what I do.

A few guys make shoelaces,
some lay sod,

others make a good living
neutering animals.

I'm a cop.

Pretty speech,
but my mind is made up.

I'm leaving.

All right.

Then take this with you.

♪ I get misty... ♪♪

You know how my lips
feel about things.

[doorbell rings]

Goodbye, Frank.

[Radio DJ]
You're listening to KSAD,

all-depressing,
all the time.

Here's a dedication
to Frank from Jane

who just called from a taxi
and it reads.

"Frank, you lying
weasel-weenie.

It's bad enough
you're shooting blanks.

Now you're leaving
the door wide open
and letting all the heat out.

Were you born in a barn,
you stupid..."

[Jane] He promised
he'd never go back
to police work.

Once a cop,
always a cop.

He's married to his work,
not me.

That's the way
it is with them.

You'll always
come in second.

There was
this great article
in Cosmo this month--

Why all men are pigs.
You should read it.

Frank's just another word
for losers as far
as I'm concerned.

I never want
to see him again.

I want to get
as far away as possible.

We'll head to
my friend's cabin
by the smelting plant.

The fresh air
will do you good.

Jane, go easy.
That's your second
bottle of Chanel.

Louise, you're witnessing
the beginning

of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.

No more little Miss Perky
devoting her life
to one man.

I'm out for the new me.

Let's burn rubber.

You didn't forget anything,
did you?

[Louise] I hope not.

Just calm down, ma'am.

How many bodies
did you find
in your swimming pool?

No, sir, in this state
killing a gang member's
only an $18 fine.

Just mail it in.

Frank!
Glad you could make it!

Welcome, buddy.

Nordberg.

Did you find
Tanya's address, Frank?

I wrote it on a hanky,

and I can't remember
what I did with it.

I'm getting a bit rusty.

Oh, that's all right.

It could happen
to anybody.

I brought you Frank's
never-fail fudge.

You go on
about your business.

Smells great.

Don't mind me,
I'll stay out of your hair.

[vacuum]

Uh, Frank,
let me take that.

We've got
a surprise for you.

It's in honor
of your 30 years
on the force.

Nordberg.

[all] Yay!

Congratulations, buddy!

Oh, boy.

This is really great.

Thank you, guys.

We thought it might
cheer you up.

We heard about you and Jane.

Jane, Jane.

That name will always
remind me of her.

I feel really bad
about all of this.

If there's anything
that you need--

Dr. Kevorkian's
home phone number?

Nordberg,
put it together.

Frank,
I want you to know
we're here for you.

Thanks, Ed.

Well, look who's here.

Hi, Frank.
Nice to see you.

Ed, I've got
that data for you
on the bomb.

Good. What did
you find out?

The explosive is
a very fine powder.

It tastes like--

That would be
fertilizer, Frank,
for another case.

This is what
I'm talking about.

We detected
a high quantity
of nitroglycerin.

Can you tell us
where it came from?

I'd be glad to.

Billions of years ago,

the Earth was
a molten mass.

Ted, I'm talking
about the powder.

We haven't got
a clue about that.

Let me take that
urine specimen.

We found a detailed list
of the bomber's plans
at the scenes.

On a hunch
we analyzed the paper.

And you got something?

Yes. The paper came
from Statesville prison.

Are you sure?

Positive. We analyzed
the wood fibers in the paper.

and found them to be from
the rare Canary Island pine

which grows only
in Oregon.

Contacting
several paper mills
in that area

led us to
a distribution center
in Tacoma.

Unfortunately,
that's where
the trail ended.

How'd you trace it
to Statesville prison?

Right here on
the letterhead, Frank.

After comparing
handwriting samples

with every known bomber

currently serving
a stretch in Statesville,

we came up with a suspect--

Rocco Dillon.

He's masterminding
the bombings
from inside the prison.

Then there's only
one way to find out

where Rocco's going
to strike next.

We'll have
to send someone
into Statesville prison.

I'll do it.

I wouldn't feel right
about that.

If Rocco finds out
you're a cop,
you might end up dead.

"You might end up dead"
is my middle name.

What about Jane?

I don't know
her middle name.

But, Ed,
I need the action.

I'm going inside
the big house.

Frank, Ed I think you
might want to see this.

We're testing out
a prototype

for a new
anticarjacking device.

We'll see how it works.

Get out!

No!

Don't make me--

Aah!

Aah!

We call it
the Denver Jockstrap.

[Frank] After being retired
for six months,

I was finally back
in action.

Faster than you can say,
"Spread 'em."

I was inside
the cold, gray walls
of Statesville prison.

I was surrounded by pimps,
rapists, and murderers.

It was like being
in the stands

at a Los Angeles
Raiders game.

It was going to take
all my police experience
just to stay alive in here.

Ah!

[bell rings]

After a long and generous
cavity search,

I finally reached
my destination--

Maximum security,

home of some of
the most violent sociopaths
in the country,

and the worst of them all,
Rocco Dillon.

[Guard] All right, in here.

Ain't no prison yet
could hold me.

Attica! Attica!

Power to the brothers!
Kill whitey!

Kill whitey!

[man] Knock it off!

You're chirping
awfully loud
for a new canary.

Keep flashing
the big eyes,

and I'll personally
balance and rotate your jaw.

Hey!

You know who you talking to?

The man is Rocco Dillon.

Where's your prison number?

It's unlisted.

Just call me
Nick "The Slasher" Mcgirk.

Look, hamhead,
I'm the muscle
in this pen.

You just stay out
of my way.

You just watch
your step, Mcgirk.

Take it from me,

this place here
changes a man.

Oh, yeah? In what way?

I used to be white.

I was the drummer
for the Osmonds.

Screw with me,

he'll make you feel pain
like you never felt before.

I know.
I remember the Osmonds.

[bell rings]

Better hit the rack,
Mcgirk.

Yeah, in a minute.

First I want to
make up a list

of the people
I'm going to kill in
the next couple of days.

[Guard] Lights out!
Lock down in two minutes!

My dearest snooky wookums
dumpling buns,

I miss you so much.

I haven't hurt this bad since--

Since the last time
I was dumped.

I remember it well.

Her name was Gabriella.

We were supposed to
be married,

but on the day
of our wedding,
she never showed up.

Aah!

I was heartbroken, destroyed.

I figured she had fallen
for another man,

someone who could do to her
what I never could.

I thought my life was over

until that one glorious day.

That was the day
you became my wife.

All our friends gathered
to celebrate our love.

It seems like only yesterday.

We were all so overjoyed.

I remember how we
wished we could
take everyone with us.

That was the happiest day
of my life.

I'll never forget the plans
we made for our future.

Things were going
to be so perfect.

We were going to get
that housekeeper
you always wanted.

Hi, Mr. D.
Hi, Mrs. D.

And I knew that eventually
our dream would come true.

One day we'd have our own
little Frank Drebin, Jr.

[man] Shut up.
I'm trying to get
some sleep.

Nah, it's no use.
She'll never come back.

♪ You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love
drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will ♪

♪ But what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love 'cause
I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along
and moved me, honey ♪

♪ I changed my mind ♪

♪ This love is fine ♪

♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire ♪♪

[singing]

Bend over and
pick it up for me,

would you, lover?

No problem.

[Frank] Rocco could tell
from my little escapade
in the shower

that I was well-endowed
with courage.

Now I had to get
on the inside.

Like a blind man
at an orgy,

I was going to have
to feel things out.

Tyrone, got
the escape plans
right here.

Just you and me.

Burnett wants in, too.

Burnett's one
of the guards.

I know,
but he's unhappy here.

All right,
all right. Whatever.

Got it all worked
out right here.

What's this?

Another letter
from your mommy?

Hey, that's private, Screw.

Let's see what we have here.

Why don't you give
the man back his letter.

Buzz off, butter cheeks.

What's so special
about a little letter?

Wait a minute.
An escape plan.

This is your ticket
to another 20 years, Dillon.

If the warden gets
one look at this--

Hey!

You call this slop?

Real slop has got
chunks of things in it!

This is more like gruel!

And this Chateau Le Blanc '68,

it's supposed to be
served slightly chilled!

This is room temperature!

What do you think
we are, animals?

[all] No!

What are we?

Homo sapiens?

Huh?

You're right!

We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

We are men!

Aah!

[Guard] Come on, knock it off!

Everybody stop!

Whoa!

Don't! No! Stop!

Aah!

Your left hand blue.

Who's got their hand
in my pocket?

Eat them!

Come on, son.
You can do it.
Eat some beans.

You saved my bacon,
Mcgirk.

I'd be in solitary
right now if
you hadn't done that.

Forget it.

Listen, I've been
watching you.

You handle yourself
really good.

Really well.

Yeah, whatever.

Look, I got something
big coming up
on the outside.

Something really big.

I could use you
in my gang.

You got a dental plan?

Full coverage.

What's the caper?

We got to bust out
of this playpen.

We still have
our escape plan.
Let's have it.

It's a good plan.

I've had better.

Listen, I've got
a foolproof plan.

Oh, my God.
They got Tyrone.

Can't-- Can't we all
just get along?

[Frank] Now that Tyrone
was in solitary,

it was just me and Rocco.

He had no choice
but to trust me--

Shh! Hold on.

[whispering]
Okay anyway.

I convinced Rocco
to dig a tunnel.

It was that or escape
in a laundry truck.

The thought of lying
in a pile of underwear
nose-down in skid marks

just didn't leave
a good taste in my mouth.

Disposing of the dirt
was a problem I solved

early in the construction.

Outside of some major chafing,

we were making
good progress.

We kept digging.

At night, dummies gave
the guards the impression

we were still in our cell.

[Guard] Lights out.

There was more dirt
than I anticipated.

Disposing of it was
becoming tricky business.

Aah!

Safe!

♪ 99 bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ 98 bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ 98 bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ 98 bottles of beer ♪

Where are you going?

You're not thinking
of Frank again,
are you?

They're playing our song.

I understand.
Take your time.

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ 96 bottles of beer
on the wall ♪♪

Well, hello, there.

Excuse me.

I'm hauling
a load of rice cakes.

What do you say
to coming with me?

No, thank you.

Then how about a kiss?

No.

When a woman says no,
she means yes.

How about that kiss?

Yes.

What do you mean no?
I know your type.

Come on, baby.
We're two of a kind.

Ow!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

You killed him!

It was an accident.
Let's call the police.

Come to your senses.
You killed a man.

You're a hero
to every woman
in this country.

We have to
call Frank.
He'll protect us.

Frank is a man.

He'll see you
locked away for
the rest of your life.

Jane, I want to join you

to help you kill
as many men as possible.

Yipes!

Louise, do what
you have to.
I'm calling Frank.

[man] Oh, boy, did that hurt.

Be home Frank, please.

Answer the phone,
snuggy pants.

[telephone picks up]

Frank!

Hi, this is Frank.

And Jane. We're the Drebins.

We're not home right now,

so leave a message.

[laughter]

Which button do I press?

No, not that one.

[dial tone]

Tanya?
It was another woman.

Frank was telling the truth.

Honeymoon Bay road.

I bet they're all alone
there right now.

Oh, Frank!

Cell inspection.

[bell rings]

There's been a rumor
of a possible breakout.

If we suspect anyone

of attempting to escape,

they will be punished severely.

[Frank] Once word of
the escape was out,

we had to move quickly
so we headed for the tunnel.

The last few feet
had to be dug on the run.

we were sure that another
47 yards would take us
beyond the prison walls.

May he rest in peace

in the arms
of our loving...
Jesus Christ!

Amen.

[Frank] Rocco had arranged
for a getaway car

to meet us
at our destination.

After making
a slight adjustment
in our direction,

we finally arrived
at the rendezvous point--

A Los Angeles city high school.

Hey, that was close.

Hey, Rocco,
who's the old hag?

She take one in the face?

She's my mother.

Mrs. Dillon,
your son is a ruthless,

sadistic,
cold-blooded animal.

You must be
very proud of him.

I am.

Ma, I want you to meet
a real square egg--

Nick "The Slasher" Mcgirk.

There's fresh clothes
in the back.

Rocco's mom was quiet.

I had a feeling she didn't c
for me coming along.

Like a midget at a urinal,

I was going to have
to stay on my toes.

Hey! Stop!

Oh, Frank.

Well, it wasn't
my fault.

That cow shouldn't
have been standing
in the road.

Hurry up.
You're letting
the flies in.

What do you think, kid?

It's a great setup.

No phone,
miles from the
nearest town,

Playboy channel, perfect.

High stakes,

but I'm here
for the action.

What are we going after,

bank, armored car,
Dodgers' payroll?

You're getting
a little bit
too nosy, Mcgirk.

Relax, Ma.

She's been itching
to try out her new gun.

I know the feeling.

It was Tanya.

That bathing suit
was never happier.

I had only a second
to admire the view.

I had to watch out.

If she made me as a cop,
I'd be tonight's meat loaf.

Come here, sexy.

You're all woman.
I could tell just
by looking at you.

Hey, she's referring to me.

Uh... I was talking
about your mother.

[Mom] That's no way
to be walking around.

Get some clothes on.

What are you doing
in my bathing suit?

Hey, who's the stud?

Oh, I'd like you to meet
the newest member
of our gang.

Slasher Mcgirk,
meet Tanya Peters.

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you
from somewhere?

I smelled cop on him
the minute I saw him.

I get that all the time.
The underwear ads,
played everywhere.

Are you saying
you're not a cop?

Well, yeah.

That's good enough for me.

Me, too.

I'm fine.

All right. Glad
that's all cleared up.

Ma, why don't you two
kiss and make up?

Huh?

Well, all right.

[spits]

Now that's more like it.

Ow.

[Frank] I had to get
a message to Police Squad.

This was turning
into more than
I could handle by myself.

No phone and miles
from civilization,

my prospects looked
bleaker than a gerbil's
in a bathhouse.

[Tanya] Who's down there?

Slasher...

have you seen my pigeon?

Pigeon? What pigeon?

What are you doing?

I'm...
just contemplating
my next move.

Your bishop is exposed.

It's these pants.

I usually wear
a fuller cut.

You're all man.

I like that in my men.

You're coming on
to me big-time, sister.

You're purring
like a kitten
with a fresh mouse,

but we got a problem.

You're Jewish?

No. You're Rocco's girl.

In my book,
that chapter's called

"Look, but don't touch."

I could have two lovers.

Kinky. I like my sex
the way I play basketball--

One-on-one and with
as little dribbling
as possible.

Oh, you're tense,
Slasher.

Well, I could relax
a little more

if I knew what was
going on tomorrow.

You wouldn't know
anything about that,
would you?

All I know is
it's downtown and...

big.

That's the way I like it.

What else?

Just this.

What are you doing?

Thank you for the advice.

I'll try that
recipe out, Miss Peters.

How could you?

Just shove your tongue
as far down his
throat as you can.

Oh--

quiet. You're not
supposed to know me here.

That's a goodbye kiss, sister.

What's all this?
Who's the skirt?

Just some dizzy dame.
Probably her car broke down.

I'll take her
to the bus depot.

Hey, look at this,
she's married.

What if her husband
comes looking for her?

He must be a great guy.

He breaks promises.

Look at you, traipsing
all over, just to spite him.

He left me.

You left him.

You should talk.

Listen to you.

Listen to you.

Listen to you.

Listen to you.

Listen to you!

Listen to you!

Jeez, you two,
knock it off!

You'd think
you're married.

[Mom] What do you want
to do with her, Rocco?

Well, one thing's
for sure.

There's no room
for her here.

I say we bump her off.

Let's plug her
right here.

I've been on jobs
where things went hooey.

I would have given
my eye teeth for a hostage.

We all know women
make the best hostages.

They're smaller,
easy to take along,

eat less, smell nice.

Yeah, we got us
an insurance policy.

Good thinking, kid.

Now let's get
some shuteye.

Come on, we got
a big day ahead of us.

All right, it's rigged.

Keep your eye
on the tower, Slasher.

It's what's going to
happen tonight.

Hey, aren't we
awfully far away?

Oh!

[Rocco] All right,
now, pay attention.

On the top of that
tower's a device

that's going to net
us five million bucks.

It's a little
thing I've been
working on.

We're going to detonate it
later this evening

at an event the world
will be watching.

Your crowning achievement.

It's for both
of us, Ma.

All set!

[Mom] Set!

[beeping]

Very impressive.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Cool.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Cool.

Yes, America will be
brought to its knees

by this ultimate
terrorist act.

This will be
more embarrassing
to the United States

than Tonya Harding.

We're almost there.
I don't want to miss this.

Give my regards
to Mrs. Khadafi.

Tell her thanks
for the cookies.

[Reporter] It's another
beautiful night in Los Angeles,

and the stars
are shining bright

for the 66th annual
Academy Awards.

Thousands of fans
are clamoring

to get a glimpse of
their favorite celebrities.

Here are two of them.

It's Weird Al Yankovic
and Vanna White.

Slasher,
put the dame
in the trunk.

I'll meet you
and ma around back
in ten minutes.

Got the passes?

We pull this off,
it's five million
big ones.

Not bad, Ma.

What's going
to happen to me?

Shh! I have an idea.

All right, Slasher.
You know what to do.

Right. Make sure
the tires are inflated

and check all the
fluid levels.

No, you muffinhead,
the dame.

Keep an eye on her.

We hit trouble,
she's a bullet shield.

[Reporter]
Ladies and gentlemen,

here now to present
the Academy's lifetime

achievement award
is James Simmons.

Go to clip.
Aspirin, please.

Go to three.
Ready four.

This year's lifetime

achievement award winner's
credits include

some of the greatest moments
ever captured on celluloid.

Films such as
Sandals and Loincloth, 1958,

Sweaty Boat Men, 1959,

the Leather-Clad
Centurion, 1960,

and his first color
feature in 1966,

Big Shiny Spears.

Okay, there's the man
from Bryce/Porterhouse.

He's the guy that
guards the envelopes

until they're handed out.

He's not going to budge
from that table.

You know what to do.

Distract him so
I can plant the bomb.

[Announcer] Accepting the
award for Mr. Broncowitz

is Margaret Redfeather.

That ought to do it.

You'll never get away
with this.

Rocco's going to kill you,
whoever you are.

Frank Drebin,
Police Squad.

Isn't it
a little unusual?

It's happened to me
a couple of times.

Now here's the plan.

Plane? Your chances are
one in a million.

That's still better
than any state lottery.

Look, I'm the good guy.

I can't let
the bad guys win.

Our children
can't be raised in fear.

They're going to blow
that place sky high.

It'll be a tragedy,
unless, of course,

it happens during
a dance number.

Come on.

Does that
radio work?

[speaking Arabic]

Call Police Squad.

Tell them
Frank Drebin says--

[speaking Jamaican]

Forget it.

I wonder what
the devil he wanted.

Hold on.

Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant
Police Squad.

Yeah, and I'm
Robert De Niro.

Mr. De Niro,
we've got to get inside.

You and 10,000
other people.
Now, move along.

Movie stars only.

Come on.

I've got
a better idea.

And cue talent.

[Announcer] And now,
to present the award
for best supporting actress

are Mariel Hemingway

and Elliott Gould.

Thank you.

The nominees for
best supporting
actress are...

Mary Lou Retton...
Fatal Affair,

one woman's
ordeal to overcome
the death of her cat,

set against
the background of
the Hindenburg disaster.

[pop pop pop]

Morgan Fairchild...
Final Proposal,

one courageous
pioneer woman's

triumphant victory
over Bulimia,

set against
the background of
the Donner party crossing.

Ahem. Ahem.

[pop pop]

Very sorry about this,
But it's official
police business.

Shannen Doherty...
Basic Analysis,

one woman's triumph
over a yeast infection,

set against the tragic
Buffalo Bills' season
of 1991.

Thank you, Sheriff.

Still no word of Frank
or Rocco or his gang.

Frankly,
I'm getting worried.

Frank should have
phoned in by now.

[beep beep]

Let me just check
your tickets, folks.

Lovely gown.
Is that cool whip?

Uh-huh.

Tim and Erica Brown.
Enjoy the show.

Let's see,
Vanna White and
Weird Al Yankovic.

Okay,
enjoy the awards.

Ready three...
and three!

And Florence Henderson...
Analysis Of A Proposal--

Rocco
could be anywhere.

He had time
to plant the bomb.
Where could it be?

The winner is...

Boy this is going
to be dynamite.

Jane.

Frank,

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yes.

Florence Henderson
is going to win,
and it's about time.

No! The bomb is in
one of those envelopes.

You're right!

And the winner is...

Aah!

Aah!

Mary Lou Retton
for Fatal Affair.

Yes! Yes!

Sorry. We were rooting
for Florence Henderson.

We've got to get
to those envelopes

before they open any more.

Yes!

I never realized
there'd be this many.

They added
75 new categories.

"Best Actor in
a Columbus Movie"?

To present the award
for Best Director,

is star of
stage and screen...
Raquel Welch

and the host of his own
award-winning talk show...

Phil Donahue.

That might be the envelope
with the bomb.

Keep looking here.

One more second,
Mr. Donahue.

Uhh!

Oh, my God!
Look at Donahue!

[Director]
Stop the stairs,
Joey. Joey!

Whoa!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my pleasure
to present the award--

What the hell?

Jesus!

Go to commercial.

Easy, now, easy.

Talk to me.
What happened, Ma?

Slasher is Frank Drebin
of Police Squad.

That lousy, two-bit,
copper punk!

I treat him
like my brother,

the one I didn't kill.

He might
find the bomb.

Not if I find him first.

Back from commercial
in five seconds.

Hurry with the mike
and cue Donahue,
in three, two...

Ahem.

Read it.
Read the card, moron.

"Well, Raquel,
this certainly is
a special evening.

Whew!

I can barely
catch my breath.

Turn it over to Raquel.

Raquel-- I'm used to
being out of breath,
working out--"

What's he doing?

"Hold for laughter
and applause.

To Phil-- gets me
out of breath just
watching you.

To Raquel-- Oh, Phil--"

I'm supposed
to read that.

"But let's get to
the subject at hand.

Pick up the envelope--"

The nominees for
best director are...

Sir Richard Attenborough

for his musical
based on the life
of Mother Theresa--

Mother.

♪ food! I love food ♪

♪ And I'm really in the mood ♪

♪ For a big corn dog
or pupu platter ♪

♪ Two ding-dongs,
it doesn't matter ♪

♪ Have some tuna helper ♪

♪ I'll be racing
back for more ♪

♪ But don't add any salsa ♪

'Cause I'll blow chunks
on the floor, hey ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ya-hoo ♪♪

Spike Lee... X Two,
the Merchandising.

Nordberg, look!

That's Frank
at the Academy Awards.

How'd he get tickets?

Nordberg!

That's where Rocco Dillon
is going to strike next.

He's planning on blowing
up the Academy Awards.

We've got to get there.

Captain, we're not
invited. We're cops.

It's for you.

Nordberg,

Police Squad.

Hello? Hello?

All right,
let's go! Hustle!

Henderson,
see about this phone.
I think it's broke.

[Announcer] And now, here are
today's lucky lotto numbers.

Get your tickets ready,
'cause here they come--

12, 22, 18, and 9.

Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!

And for his tale of
genetics gone haywire

in a retirement community,

Steven Spielberg...
Geriatric Park.

[rumbling]

Aah!

Aah!

[coughing]

Aah!

Aah!

Ah--

Ah--

Ah--ah--

Ah-choo!

And the winner is...

Uh,

Raquel, just a second.
I just had a thought.

Oh, Christ!

This show is being seen
all over the world.

I was thinking,
if we could send
good thoughts,

transmit through
these cameras,

to the leader of China--

Wing Wow Woo Tong--

So that they might
finally be nice.

Thank you.

And the winner is...

Uh, Raquel, so many
go to bed hungry
in this nation.

Yet, cat food's
full of tuna.

I can't help think
each time I go to the zoo

and see those porpoises
crammed into tiny tanks

what a waste that is.

Butcher half of them now.

That's hundreds of pounds
of dolphin meat

that could be
fed to our cats,

freeing up that tuna
for our nation's hungry.

And... the winner is--

So many are, uh, cold,

shivering in the night.
So I say,

take those cats,
skin them,

use their fur to
keep hundreds warm.

Jesus, Phil!

And the winner is...

You!

Give me that!

Ohh!

Hyah!

Not one move.

That barrel's cold.

It's room temperature.
Let's go.

It's okay
It's not the bomb.

Ohh!

Oh, no!

Jane?

Jane?

Big trouble-- Aah!

[pop pop pop]

Jane?

[pop pop pop]

Jane?

Silver hair--

About 6' 2"--

looked like
Phil Donahue.

Jane--

[both] That's the guy!

[man] Get him!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
internationally renowned
actress and singing star...

Pia Zadora.

♪ You're walkin'
along the street ♪

♪ Or you're at a party... ♪

There he is!

♪ Or else you're alone... ♪

Excuse me?

Isn't that snot
on your shoe?

We've lost him!

It's gotta be here some place.
I'll stay here.
You check the wings.

♪ That this could be
the start of somethin' big ♪

♪ There's no... ♪

Oh, no!
Not him again?

Please, God.

He got away.

♪ Who knows what's written
in that magic book? ♪

♪ But when
a lover you discover ♪

♪ At the gate, my friend ♪

♪ Invite him in
without a second look ♪

♪ You're watchin'
the sun come up ♪

♪ Or countin' your mon... ♪

Get off the stage!

Grab him!

Aah!

I'm Ed Hocken.
This is Officer Nordberg,
from Police Squad.

We're here to
prevent a disaster.

You're too
late for that.

♪ You're watchin'
the sun come up ♪

Hey, it's Frank.

♪ Or countin' your money ♪

♪ Or else in a dim cafe ♪

♪ You're orderin' wine ♪

♪ Then suddenly there he is ♪

♪ You want to
be where he is ♪

Come on, Nordberg.
We've got to get Frank.

♪ The start of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be
the heart of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be
the start of somethin' ♪

♪ Big ♪♪

Aah!

Ohh!

Jane!

Jane!

Ah-ha!

I knew I'd bump
into you somewhere.

I want answers,
cherry cakes.

I love you.

Wrong answer.

I've dropped out of
the Sap of the month club
a long time ago.

Listen, Angel Drawers,
you've got one
last chance.

And I don't mean
a Major League baseball,

Steve Howe
kind of last chances.

Now, where is Jane?

I swear, I don't know.

Okay, where's the bomb?

In the Best Picture
envelope.

Oh, Mr. Drebin,
I want to go straight.

I'm tired of the lies.

Oh, kiss me.

Please kiss me.

I've never kissed
lips so innocent,

so pure.

He looked like
Phil Donahue,
white hair--

That's the guy!

Frank?

I'll get him, Captain.

Ladies and gentlemen,

to present
the Best Picture award

are two of America's
most distinguished actors--

Olympia Dukakis
and James Earl Jones.

Lord, what's that?

Looks like Phil Donahue
throwing up in a tuba.

Someone make a note.

We shouldn't
have Phil Donahue
back next year.

Thank you.
Thank you. Good evening.

It's a privilege for us
to present the final award

of tonight's ceremony.

We've been
worried about you.

Where's Rocco?
Where's Tanya?

Sit down.
Take it easy.

Thank God
you're okay.

...Indecent Instincts,

and Sawdust and Mildew.

Everyone of these movies
was a box office hit,
except for one.

What's that?

The Best Picture award.

My money's on
Sawdust and Mildew.

Olympia, would you
do the honors, please?

Oh, my God!

That's the one!

The award for this
year's Best Picture
goes to--

Wait!

Oh, great.

Sorry about this.

Loved you in Coneheads.
You, too.

Let me open this.

[beep beep]

It's the bomb!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Freeze and
nobody gets hurt!

Aah!

Well,

from now on.

Back in your seats,
you little weasels!
Party's over.

This program's been
permanently interrupted.

Don't panic.
Stay with it.

Camera two, move in
on the old lady.

Whoa!
Better move back, two.

I said no one move!

[Mom] Sit down!
Now, pay attention!

I don't want to kill nobody
unless I have to.

You hear me?

All right, drop your guns
and kick them over here.

I believe that bomb
belongs to me.

Hand it over, Drebin.

You want
to kill him, Ma?

Blink and I
start shooting.

[Frank]
Give me that gun!

Oh, my God!

I'm not falling
for that one,
sister.

Aah!

I'm not well!

Get this stupid
thing off me!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ma!

She's a goner, Rocco.

Dead. Then that's it.

I'm coming with you, Ma!

Pull out the bomb.
You don't,
I'll shoot the dame.

All right, Rocco.
All right.

I'll do what you say.

Frank--

Just don't harm her.

You pull out the bomb,
you'll kill me and
everyone else.

Yeah. No dice, Rocco.

Then I'll plug her.

You shoot her,
I'll empty this envelope.

[Jane]
Frank, think about it.

It's okay
you'll be dead.

Then you'll kill yourself
and everyone here.

Yeah.

I'll shoot you
if you don't do
as I say.

Jane?

I'd be safe
with everyone else,

but you'd be dead.

This is getting
complicated, Rocco.

Let's look
at this logically.

You're the psychotic.
You should have
the envelope.

I should have the gun.

Frank!

I know what I'm doing.

All right!

Here's your
best picture!

In front
of the world,

this place
is going up.

Well, if I'm going out,
I'm going out happy.

[Frank] Wait a minute, Rocco.

Before we're
all blown to bits,

mind if I
pull the underwear
out of my crack?

A man's got
to go comfortable.

All right,
but that's it.

Give it up, Rocco.
You're history.

Look,
George Hamilton!

Ah ha ha ha!

Come and
get me, Drebin.

Throw me a gun!

Get rid of the bomb!

Hold on, sweetheart.

Oh! Frank, help me!

Frank--

I know
what I'm doing.

Aah!

I hate heights!

Ohh! Oh, no!

Move it, sister!

Aah!

Screw the
commercials! We're
sticking with this.

All right, copper,
you killed my ma!

I'm taking the dame
away from you.

You hear me, copper?

Once push and Mrs. Drebin
becomes linoleum.

Get a camera up there.
This could be
my best work.

Any last words before
I throw you off this cat walk?

Yes. Don't do it.

Anything else?

Frank, I love you.

Yes, I want
the world to know
you're the perfect man.

Frank, I hope
you can hear me.

They said I
couldn't do drama.

I was wrong.

Taking you away
from Police Squad
was a mistake.

I know now that's
why you couldn't perform
decent sex with me.

I realize that now,

and other things.

Everything's
under control.

Nobody move!

Any vibration may
set this thing off.

Frank, I've
learned my lesson.

And though it may
be too late for me,

I want all you ladies
to remember something--

Don't ever take
your men for granted,

because good men
don't just fall
out of the sky.

Aah!

Aah!

He's caught up
in the cable.

Frank, do something!

Hurry!

Ohh!

I'm coming, Ma!

Rocco?

Papshmir?

Jane,

I never want us
to be apart again.

Oh, Frank.

You like me.
You really like me!

Frank, slow down.

Hurry up! We're late!

Relax. We've
got plenty of time.

You bring the camcorder?

Right here.
What room's she in?

Delivery room.
This must be it.

Jane, I'm here.
Frank is here.

Aah!

[man] Push!

Here it comes now.

Breathe, honey.
Breathe, Jane.

One more push.
That's it.

Congratulations, Dad,
it's a boy.

[baby cries]

[Frank] Nordberg!

You come back here!

Frank, it's a boy.

I know.

[theme music plays]

♪ You're walkin'
along the street ♪

♪ Or you're at a party ♪

♪ Or else you're alone ♪

♪ And then you suddenly dig ♪

♪ You're lookin'
in someone's eyes ♪

♪ You suddenly realize ♪

♪ That this could be
the start of somethin' big ♪

♪ There's no controllin'
the unrollin' ♪

♪ Of your fate, my friend ♪

♪ Who knows what's written
in that magic book? ♪

♪ And when
a lover you discover ♪

♪ At the gate, my friend ♪

♪ Invite him in
without a second look ♪

♪ You're watchin'
the sun come up ♪

♪ Or countin' your money ♪

♪ Or else in a dim cafe ♪

♪ You're orderin' wine ♪

♪ And suddenly there he is ♪

♪ You want to be where he is ♪

♪ And this must be
the start of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be
the heart of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be the start
of somethin' big ♪

♪ You're watchin'
the sun come up ♪

♪ Or countin' your money ♪

♪ Or else in a dim cafe ♪

♪ You're orderin' wine ♪

♪ Then suddenly there he is ♪

♪ You want to be where he is ♪

♪ And this could be
the start of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be
the heart of somethin' ♪

♪ This could be
the start of somethin' ♪

♪ Big ♪♪