All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E06.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE[eztv.re].en

Hey, meg, what's with
the cupcakes?

I'm celebrating.

Last night I had my period

Or miscarriage. Not sure which.

Either way, happy un-birthday.

Where's my phone?
I got to text patty

And let her know
she can have half of these

For her cat's funeral.

Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.

Pics to follow.

What the hell? What happened?

Hey, meg, no turkey dinner
is complete

Without a little
under-nut squash.

What a jerk.

Well. Time to go transport
a texas resident

To her reproductive
health appointment.

Okay, brian,
let's play another round

Read lois' mail

And laugh at her sad life.

Uhp, fall lane bryant catalog.

Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants

In the mail.

"fertility bank of new England."

This one I've got to see.

"dear lois pewterschmidt,
thank you again

"for your compensated donation
of ten eggs in 1997.

"this letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs

Have been destroyed
for lack of interest."

What? Let me see that.

This is so perfect.

The old slag literally
sold her body for money.

All right, let's not judge her.

She was trying to earn
a little extra money in college

And I wonder what
human eggs taste like.

Wait a second.

The nine remaining eggs?

Lois donated ten eggs.

If there were nine remaining,
that means

One of them was used?

Hate how much I want to try
human eggs right now.

Brian, listen:
I have a lost half-sibling.

He or she is just
out there someplace.

Why, I haven't been this shocked
since chris showed me

His jack-in-the-box.

Chris, what did you do
to this box?

It's not called
a "jack elsewhere."

It's master.
Here, master.

Master may change the tv
to a channel that pleases her.

What's going on?

Master's latest
social media post

Has become popular
on the internet,

So now master rules the family.

What are you talking about?

My god!

This cupcake video
got 20,000 likes.

Only likes matter.
Likes rule all.

Wow, look at all these comments.
People are saying

I should get chris a
fansonly page. What's fansonly?

It's a fetish website
where amateurs post racy videos

That subscribers pay to see.

Wait, people would pay money

To watch a husky teen
sit on food?

Yeah. Very much so.

Um, would you be interested?

I could set everything up

And handle
the administrative side.

You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.

You think
you're the first person

To pitch me
a crush fetish website?

Go get a business plan,
some seed capital

And an s-corp registered
in the state of delaware

And then maybe we'll talk.

I'm in.

Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact

That I've got a sibling
out there someplace.

So, today I will
hack into the world's

Most sophisticated
surveillance networks,

Scan for pewterschmidt
dna markers

From lois' donated egg,
locate my comrade,

And together,
we shall be unstopa...

Stewie!
Tell mommy that daddy fell!

Aha. We have a match.

In cambridge, massachusetts.

Of course.
Someone sharing my dna

May well be a scholar
at harvard or mit.

Or tufts.

Come on, the sat
is not biased against bears.

Jewish bears?
You're jewish?

No, it's fine, it's just...

It's just the kind of thing
you tell someone.

Supposedly,
one of these eggheads

Is my brother or sister, rupert.
But which one?

And how will we find each other?

Perhaps we share mannerisms.

Hey, "damn you all." yeah?

"curse you, vile woman."
am I right?

"victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?

That was big in the '90s.

I don't understand.

My genius harvard sibling
should be right here.

Eat my wizz,
you harvard fruit bags.

My god, that must be him.

And, hey, don't do that.

Harvard is a respected
institution

That only produces
our nation's finest.

Our apologies to the unabomber.

It was a cheap shot
to include him.

So you and me
got some of the same dna

On account of your mom sold off

Her inside parts?

- Dude, that's bizarre.
- Quite.

Yeah, my mom didn't like
how I came out,

So she left me in an orphanage,

But nobody was adopting me,
so screw that.

Got out of there,
moved under the fenway stands.

I survive on racist
bleacher farts.

That's great.
Now, I don't suppose you have

A hidden cache
of advanced weaponry

And plans for global conquest?

Nah, but you know what I do got?

A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.

Number one, braveheart.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, that one gets me.

That gets me.

Number two, scarface, I cry.

Guy builds up the whole empire
and just dies, right?

Number three, dodgeball.

Everybody looks past those guys.
Nobody believed in 'em.

Couldn't catch for nothing.

I tell you, justin long...
He couldn't catch a cold

And still they win the thing,
you know? Here I go.

Camera's rolling.
You can go when you're ready.

Welcome, fansonly subscribers.

My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.

Thank you.

Wow. That was great.

- How was that for you?
- It was amazing.

We just created art
in front of our fans.

I wonder if this is how
french pointillist painter

Georges seurat felt.

Yeah!

Yeah!

No way. Orange.

Orange, you guys.

Yeah!

Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!

What did I miss?
Were the dots tiny?

My god, so tiny.

All right, here's my house.
See?

Anyway, it's been nice
to meet you,

But I'm very busy today.

No way. How come your house
ain't attached

To two other houses
on either side?

There can be just one house?

Um, I guess.

And where's your american flag

But with blue stripes for cops?

I don't know, man, but listen,

You can stay for just
a few minutes.

No way, you got crazy straws?

No, no, no,
those are the fat man's.

He likes to pretend his juice
is on a roller coaster.

I don't care, I'm using one.

All right, capri suns,

Who's ready to ride
thunder mountain?

Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?

You know the crazy straws
are only for daddy.

- Up yours, old man.
- That's it.

I'd give you the belt,
but I wore

A 1990s braided belt today,

And I like how it makes me
look like blossom's dad.

Yeah?
How about I give you the belt?

-Aah! Stop it!
You're hurting me.
-Yeah, take that.

I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.

- You hear me?
- I need that belt.

I'm taking my linkedin photo
later.

Turns out this thug

May actually be useful to me.

Well, isn't that a surprise?

Like the japanese attack
on david harbour.

Hi, kenji mifune, tokyo daily.

Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?

All right, rupert,
time to make use

Of that crude boston
body double.

Here we go.

Lois, I'd like to request

A later bedtime, please.

I'm a big boy now, and I think

I can make it to 6:45.

Go away, stewie,
mommy's looking at

Real estate listings
and dreaming of

Any life other than this.

I see. All right, then.

Your new bedtime
is whenever you want.

Splendid! I also have
a school-related task for you.

Um, class, I-I know
teacher jeremy said

Everyone would get a turn
as classroom star of the week,

But new plan.
Stewie will now be

Star of the week every week.

Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch tv dramas

Where dennis leary
plays a fireman.

That's a pretty smart cookie,
that teacher jeremy.

But right now we're gonna
do show and tell.

Who wants to go fir...

Stewie. Let's do stewie.

God, I don't got
nothing prepared.

Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.

Um, here's a cumberland farms
reward card.

Shotgun shell
full of shark teeth.

Donnie wahlberg's
actual cigar cutter,

Key card for my ex-girlfriend's
parking garage.

Zippo lighter I got in cancun.

I friggin' love cancun.

I don't know why
you'd go anywhere else.

Flat, dry condom
in case charlene's ovulating.

Clipping of a newspaper story

Where I'm quoted
about a house fire.

And a bloody shoe
from the marathon bombing

I keep in a caldor's bag
in my closet.

Any questions?

That's smushboy15.
He's gross.

He'll sit on anything.
He's a sit slut.

He's also really good
at hearing the whispers

Of nearby diners.

Excuse me, smushboy.

I-I'm wondering
if you could come over

And sit on my wife's avocado?

Come on, man,
I'm out with my family.

You hollywood celebrities!

Sheesh!
Don't meet your heroes?

Okay, everyone, this is another
smushboy livestream.

Let's try to play nice
this time, okay?

Hey, squash that
brownie with your knee.

I don't do knee stuff.

I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.

What the hell, chris?

You've had a crummy attitude
from the moment

You walked in here this morning.

Well, duh.
The moment I walk in

You start running
new pie designs at me.

What do we do with
pie designs, meg?

What do we do?

- Email them to tristan.
- Email them to tristan.

Look, I don't like
being a broken record here,

But why do we have
those Monday meetings

If nobody's gonna
follow the process?

Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?

You know what, guys,
if you can't start

Sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even

Do summer fridays anymore.

Now you're paying attention.

Chris, you can't
talk to people like that.

Fine.
Then maybe I'll talk like this.

Everyone, I quit!

Come along, multiple exotic pets

Symbolizing
my spiritual corruption.

Good night, stewie,
at 11:45 p.M.,

Which is a bedtime
that works for you.

I love you, sweetie. Mwah.

Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.

- What do you mean?
- Well, you got a kiss
from your mom,

And not just 'cause
you blew into that tube

That lets her start the car.

You know, I always
wanted to get adopted

And have parents of my own.

Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual

Adoption fair next week, but

Forget it, nobody wants to adopt

A messed-up kid like me.

Hey, hey, hey.

Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?

And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?

I will help you get adopted.

- What?
- Starting tomorrow,

I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.

Aw, dude, that's awesome.

All right, good night, kiddo.

I'm gonna go hide out
in the dry tub

And watch your sister
take a wizz.

Dad, thanks again for filling in

After chris got
all big-headed and quit.

I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.

Yeah, um, about the videos...

I couldn't help but notice

You've got me squatting
on generic jell-o,

Not the name brand.

Does it make a difference?

Doe-does it make a difference?

You're-you're adorable.

And why am I snorting
regular cocaine

When I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?

There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.

Yeah, tell that
to chris farley's autopsy photo.

Also, your nose
is bleeding heavily.

Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.

I tell you, this is the most
unprofessional film set

Since they cast
timothée chalamet in dune.

My father came, not for spice,

Not for riches...

- Whoa... wh-whoa!
- Cut.

- Wind guy.
- I told you guys

He shouldn't be in windy movies.

Freakin' told you guys.

All right,
we've got just one week

To turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.

Parents love reading a-b-c books
with their little ones,

So let's practice that,
shall we?

A, asswipe.

Okay, close, close.
How about this one?

B, bastard.

We are for-two.

Yeah, I'm gonna skip c.

Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.

D, f. And I know
you're gonna go for that f.

Not the usual f.

Yeah, I'm not sure
this is gonna work.

You're, like,
two hours late, dad.

I'm sorry meg, but as an artist,

I simply cannot create

Until you are finished
dry cleaning

- All of my Halloween costumes.
- I tried,

But they couldn't
get the stain out of your

Emperor palpatine robe.

Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.

Chris, what are you doing?

Why does it smell
so bad in here?

Well, my exotic pets

Somehow all killed each other.

Still not quite sure
what the sequence was there.

Anyway, meg, I just want to say
I'm really happy

For you and dad that you're
doing that website together.

Thanks, chris.

No, thank you.

I just wish I didn't
screw everything up, you know?

Treated you like a carrot muffin

I butt-smothered for money.

But you're not a carrot muffin,
you're my sister.

And I forgot that.

It's okay, chris, I forgive you.

Hey, call out
any boston market sides.

It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.

Told you, stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.

Okay, look sharp.

These people
may be your last chance.

Just do everything
the way we rehearsed it.

Hey, little man, how are you?

I am fine
and in good physical health.

Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?

Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay

For a boy, I'm told.

But, you know,
any-any toy's fine.

An outside ball
for throwing inside.

I mean, you know,
whatever you got.

So sweet. Hey,

What do you want to be
when you grow up?

When I grow up, I want to be

A body-cam-off police officer.

I-I mean, just a regular
police officer.

How would you
like us to adopt you

So that you can
come live with us

And be a jets fan,
not a pats fan,

Because we are a jets family.

Jets are a straight
franchise, bro.

The last jet that actually
mattered in nyc

Is the one that
hit the south tower.

Whoa, whoa.

Okay, so that wasn't a match.

I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find

A family of your own.

What's going on over there?

Holy crap, it's mark wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters

From the fighter.

I'm sorry, ladies,
you have to leave.

What? For why?

We caught you
sneaking outside beers

Into the adoption fair.

If you're going to be
at the adoption fair

You have to buy
adoption fair beers.

Fine, we'll drink
in the parking lot.

Whatever kid doesn't get picked,

Just leave him outside.

Hey, April, check out that one.

Whoa, now that's a good-looking

Government subsidy right there.

- Um, hi there.
- Hey, bud.

I see you got the same
aaron hernandez tattoo I got.

Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass

And we got lots and lots
of d batteries to throw.

Go on, get out of here.

Have a great life
with your seven moms.

Well, one of 'em will be my mom.

Six of 'em
will be my girlfriend.

The dude's a legend.

Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.

Five bucks and I'll sit on it.

Hey. Hey.

Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a chipwich with your knee.

Let's see the chipwich.

No! He doesn't do knee stuff.

What is wrong with you sickos?

What happened to you, man?

This is all I'm good for, meg.

It's... It's all
people see me as.

That's not true, chris.

You have so much to offer,

And I've got something for you.

Buttercream?

You bet your ass, buttercream.

Wait.

This one we do together.

So, chris,
after your recent adventure

Behind the scenes
of the adult video world,

You're probably not even
able to enjoy pornography any...

Wrong!

Okay.
Well, I got to go to

The county registrar's office.

Need to re-register
our business as inactive

And change our filing status.

Hey, gavin.
Yeah, it's dad.

Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,

So I'm calling.

Can you please tell your mother
to get off the extension?

No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,

But the calls do not
have to be supervised,

So she can
get off the phone now.

Daddy knows what mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.

Get off the phone, janet!

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