All language subtitles for Little Britain S01E04 DVDRip HEVC H265 BONE-eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,500 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,200 Everybody is welcome in Britain. 3 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,900 We are open nine till six, Monday to Saturday. No foreign gentlemen, please. 4 00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:15,800 What makes Britain such a wonderful place to visit for an afternoon? 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:22,000 Why, it's the people of Britain, and it is these which we'll look at today. 6 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:25,600 0hhhhh, my sweet Lord! 7 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,400 Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llandewi Breffi, 8 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:38,500 home of committed homosexualist Daffyd Thomas. 9 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,800 # It is a sin... # 10 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,500 - Morning, Daffyd. - Good morning, Miss Davies. 11 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:51,400 I had a phone call from Ruth. She got terrible morning sickness. She's not coming in today. 12 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,800 So I'm gonna put you with the new boy, lfan. 13 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,600 Lfan! Your 10 o'clock's here! 14 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,200 Do you know, I think lfan might be a gay. 15 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:05,900 I think that's very unlikely. I am the only gay in the village. 16 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:10,700 Hiya! I'm lfan, but all my friends call me Fanny. 17 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,300 Follow me. 18 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,100 Well? 19 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,100 Too early to tell. 20 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:25,800 Come along, now! Take the weight off your lallies. Put a nice, big skirt around you. 21 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,800 Now, what can we do for you? 22 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,300 A nice wash and blow? Would you like that? A blow! 23 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,900 Just a light trim, please. 24 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:39,800 - So, do you go out much? - Not really. 25 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,200 - Is there much of a scene? - Pardon? 26 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,800 A scene, dear. A gay scene. Cocks and frocks. 27 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,800 No, there is no gay scene in Llandewi Breffi. 28 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,300 Just me. I am the only gay in the village. 29 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,100 Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town. 30 00:01:56,100 --> 00:02:00,200 - There you are, loves. - Oh, ta. 31 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,700 - Well? - (WHISPERS) No signs. 32 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,000 Fanny, love! 33 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,600 Forgot your keys. 34 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,100 Thanks. I am a dizzy cow. 35 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,600 Right, Hinge and Brackett need walking, so I'll see you later. 36 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,600 (WHISPERS) His brother. 37 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,300 At Saint Buddha's hospital in Foulmouth, 38 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:30,800 ropy transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken. 39 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,800 Right, sorry to keep you. So, Eddie Howard... 40 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,700 Emily Howard. I'm a lady. Emily Howard. Yes. 41 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,300 Right. What happened? 42 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:44,800 I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble. 43 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:49,200 You fell off the bus. I'll do an X-ray of the whole leg. 44 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:55,200 - If you'd just place this over your testicles. - Oh, Doctor! You do amuse. 45 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,900 It's not a joke. It's got lead in it. It deflects the radiation. 46 00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:04,200 But I'm a lady. I don't have..."testicl�s". 47 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:08,400 Well, perhaps little lady's "testicl�s". 48 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,400 Might, er... Might this do for me instead? 49 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,300 No. 50 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,000 Or... Or this? 51 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,400 Surely... 52 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,400 I'm sorry. You do need to use this. 53 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:27,700 Well, do you mind if I brighten it up a little with some appliqu� and d�collage? 54 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:31,900 - Some lace around the edges. - I don't have time for this. 55 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:36,400 - But I'm a lady! - I can't give you the X-ray without it. 56 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,400 Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better. 57 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:42,700 I don't think I need an X-ray at all. 58 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,400 Aaargh! Shit! 59 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:54,600 This is a pub. As we all know, the word "pub" is an acronym for "Phillip's Uncle's Boat". 60 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:01,000 Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we? 61 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,100 I know. 62 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,900 - Do you need to use the toilet before we go? - No. 63 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,200 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 64 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:13,200 Once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet. 65 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:18,400 - Yeah, I know. - If I have to stop, that's a right kerfuffle. 66 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,100 I know. 67 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:23,900 - Are you sure you don't need the toilet? - Yeah. 68 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,300 I need to go toilet. 69 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,800 Following the success of video libraries, 70 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,800 book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere. 71 00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,100 We encourage our patients to take a Saturday job. 72 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:57,200 It gives them a sense of purpose and a small income. 73 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,400 I've brought you here today because Anne is working here. 74 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,000 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 75 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,300 Hello, Anne. 76 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,800 Thank you. And how are you today? 77 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,100 Ehhhhhhhhh. 78 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,800 As you can see, she blends in very well. 79 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,000 British justice is the best in the world. 80 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:30,700 Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental. 81 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:36,900 Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting. 82 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:41,900 On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug. 83 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:46,400 Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull 84 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,100 by concealing them in your leggings. 85 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:58,400 In the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty? 86 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,200 No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing I don't know nothin' about. 87 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,700 Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there. 88 00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:09,100 Then Meredith came over and stirred it up and called me these things. 89 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,600 Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug? 90 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:20,600 No but, yeah but, no, because of this whole other thing that Meredith says weren't a thing, 91 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,400 so don't listen to her 'cause she's a slag. 92 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,400 Meredith? Who is Meredith? 93 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:30,200 The one who done that thing, but if she gives you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty. 94 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,800 Thing? What thing? 95 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:36,600 Yeah, I know. And anyway there was this whole other thing I didn't even know about or nothin'. 96 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:41,000 Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink. 97 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,900 I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen to her. She had a baby and didn't tell anyone. 98 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:49,900 Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time? 99 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:55,300 No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no, but, yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber. 100 00:06:55,300 --> 00:07:00,500 - Amber? Who's Amber? - Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is. 101 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:05,000 - Vicky, I don't think you realise... - No, but there's this other thing, right... 102 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000 - If you're found guilty... - You can't say that, right... 103 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:13,200 - I'm allergic to cat hair. - Are you going to keep interrupting me?! 104 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,900 - No, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak. - Good. 105 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:21,400 - Now, we've heard from... - Oh, my God! Right... 106 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,600 - I give up! - Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers. 107 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:30,600 Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head. 108 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,700 It's Hilary o'clock, and Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at a kissogram agency. 109 00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:40,200 I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 110 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,900 We're minicabs, mate. Kissograms next door. 111 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,200 I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 112 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,200 Well, lovely. We're always looking for people. 113 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:55,700 What...? 114 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:59,400 Here's one. George Bernard Shaw-o-gram. 115 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:04,900 Come in, take me beard off and recite a play. How about that for starters? 116 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,900 - Erm... - Got another one. 117 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:12,000 - John McCarthy-o-gram. - What happens there? 118 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:17,200 I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss my five years as a hostage in the Lebanon. 119 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:22,300 - Yes. I don't think there's any market for... - Got another one. Nurse-o-gram. 120 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:27,000 - Ah, that's more like it. - I come in, sing "Happy Birthday" 121 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,700 and administer a local anaesthetic. 122 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:32,200 - I don't... - Zoo-o-gram. 123 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:37,000 - What's that? - I come in... Bear with me. 124 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,500 - Well? - I told you. I come in. There's a bear with me. 125 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:47,400 Another one. Lan-o-gram. I come in and pretend my name is lan. "Hello, my name is lan," etc. 126 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,800 - Leave. - Man-o-gram. I am a man. 127 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,300 - Get out. - Invisible man-o-gram. I come in, invisible. 128 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:58,500 Whoo... Whooooooo... 129 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,200 - Was I invisible then? - No. 130 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,400 - I'm a very busy woman. - A very busy woman-o-gram. 131 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,600 - Could you leave the room? - Leaving the room-o-gram. 132 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,400 - Right. Now open the door. - Opening the door-o-gram. 133 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,400 - Walk out. - Walking out the door-o-gram. 134 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,300 - And close the door. - Closing the door-o-gram. 135 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,100 Waiting outside the door-o-gram. 136 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,800 - Hello. I'd like a minicab, please. - No, that's next door. 137 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,400 All right! 138 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,200 0ver in Flange, at the Kelsey Grammar School... 139 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:52,700 So, Edward the Second divided by Henry the Fifth equals...? 140 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,800 Anybody? No? 141 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:03,200 Equals hydrogen peroxide. 142 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:07,700 Question 6. Determine the square root of Popeye. 143 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:16,700 Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business 144 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,700 that her hair is coming out in clumps. 145 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,800 They're fruity and delicious. They're fruit-elicious. 146 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,300 Lovely. OK, thanks very much... Raif. 147 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:30,200 Are we rocking? Have we got the gig? 148 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,300 - We'll let you know. - He does a great Otis the Aardvark. Do Otis. 149 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:41,000 - Yeah, we've got a few more people to see. - Ever seen "The Snowman"? He does that. 150 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:45,700 - It'll break your bleeding heart. Go on. - # We're walking in the air... 151 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,400 # We're walking in the air... # 152 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:54,600 - We are up against it today, so... - It's better with his pyjamas on. 153 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,600 We don't really have time, you see. 154 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,200 - It's his birthday. - No, it isn't. 155 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,700 - Please. - He's dying. 156 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:05,300 Look a dying boy in the eye and say "no". 157 00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:10,400 If you must know, it's a "no". Nothing personal. We're just looking for something different. 158 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,900 We can change him, have something done. 159 00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:17,600 Look, he's a real talent. I'm sure he'll do well. 160 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,400 - I'll tell them you touched him. - Get out. 161 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,400 We know when we're not wanted. 162 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,100 (MOTHER SHOUTS) Don't ever do that again! 163 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,200 Watch this. Hello, Anne. I'd like to take this book out, please. 164 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,600 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 165 00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,900 (PHONE RINGS) 166 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,600 Hello? Sorry, guys. 167 00:11:55,600 --> 00:12:01,000 Yeah, I'm just in the library at the moment. Can I call you back? OK. Eh, eh, ehhh. 168 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:07,600 And can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in? 169 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,500 - Eh, eh, ehhh. - Thank you. 170 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:26,900 The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient. 171 00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:29,900 Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother. 172 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:34,400 Now, the doctor says you've got to go into a home. 173 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,400 I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall. 174 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:44,200 - Morning, morning. How are we today? - Fine, Doctor. Look, it's Dr Harman, Mum. 175 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,800 And how is the good doctor today? 176 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:51,600 - Quite well. Just a bit bunged up. - Bunged up? Something going round. 177 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,800 Let me know if you want someone to look after you. 178 00:12:55,800 --> 00:13:01,600 We've got the results. Good news. No internal haemorrhaging. You can go home tomorrow. 179 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,400 - Good. - She'd be better off in a home. 180 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,000 Home? Yeah? Yeah? Home? Yeah? 181 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,600 Yeah, put you in a home. Yeah. 182 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,400 No, she's perfectly capable of looking after herself. 183 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,900 She doesn't know what day it is. What day is it? 184 00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,500 - Tuesday. - There you go. 185 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,300 She thinks it's LAST Tuesday. 186 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,200 Who's the Prime Minster... of Belgium? 187 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:32,100 - Well, I don't know. - See what I have to put up with? Mum? 188 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:35,100 - What's this? - Your nose. 189 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:40,000 No, it's my finger. Doctor, she doesn't know if she's coming or going. 190 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,400 - Mrs Dawes... - Marjorie. 191 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,900 Marjorie, we only put people in homes when they can't look after themselves. 192 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:52,300 What if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves? Doctor, she's very vulnerable. 193 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:57,000 I'm not going to recommend further care. She simply doesn't need it. 194 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,600 Bye, Doctor. Get well soon. 195 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,000 Oh, he's such a flirt. 196 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,600 What are we gonna do with you? You can't come and live with me. 197 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,600 I don't bloody want to. I'll go back to my flat. 198 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,900 - But I'm renting it out now. - Who to? 199 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:16,100 Some gays. 200 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:21,400 I've been on to Social Services. They've found you a nice place just an hour down the road. 201 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:26,400 - Maybe I could go and live with Barbara. - Mum, Barbara hates you. 202 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:32,100 You should cut her out of the will. I'm coming back tomorrow. Is there anything you want? 203 00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:36,000 - My dressing gown. - I've taken that to Oxfam. 204 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:41,700 - Well, I was halfway through a Maeve Binchy. - Well, I'm reading that now. 205 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:47,500 - Well, how about my jewellery? - I'll... I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum. 206 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,500 Cheerio. 207 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,200 Oh, she's a burden. 208 00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:59,600 The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently. 209 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,800 To make ends meet, he has been forced to take a job at DIY Universe 210 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,600 in the northern town of Little Tokyo. 211 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,400 Er... what's this now? 212 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:22,300 - Nothing. - I won't tell you again. You're not on telly. 213 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,300 Take those down and get on with your work. 214 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,400 - Excuse me. Masking tape? - This man'll help you. 215 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,300 - Excuse me. Masking tape? - Wicky woo! Des Kaye. Pleased to meet you. 216 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:38,100 - Oh, me hand. - Do you know where the masking tape is? 217 00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:42,100 No, I don't. But I've got a friend who does. 218 00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:49,200 Say hello to Mr Crocodile. "Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?" 219 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:55,800 Never mind about your breakfast! This young lad wants to know where the masking tape is. 220 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,800 "But I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!" 221 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,800 - I'm so sorry about this. - Get off me! 222 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,600 - Des! - I'm just helping a customer. 223 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,300 Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! 224 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,900 We let Anne make her own way home. 225 00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:22,900 She's earned �5 today. That's HER money. She can spend that anywhere she wants. 226 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,900 See you later, Anne. 227 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,800 At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter 228 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,800 to educate, entertain, inform 229 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,500 and provide work for Patrick Kielty. 230 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,700 Peter, I've got a tape of last night's news. I wasn't happy with it. 231 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:51,700 - Really? - Let's have a look, shall we? 232 00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:57,000 We'll have more on that later. Now we go over to our royal correspondent, Peter Andre. 233 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,600 Thank you, Raworth. 234 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,300 I'm standing here outside Highgrove Church, 235 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:07,200 where earlier today the royals were attending their traditional Easter Sunday service. 236 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,500 Textbook. 237 00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:16,000 Prince Charles. He has magical powers. Prince Edward, sadly without his wife Griff Rhys Jones. 238 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,000 Prince Andrew, with the young Sarah Ferguson. 239 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:24,600 I've met him loads of times. He's really nice. I really like him. Hi, A ndrew! Andrew! 240 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:29,600 Nah, he can't hear me. The Queen there. She's the main one. 241 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:34,000 And, light of my life, Princess Royal Anne. 242 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,800 0h, Anne. Sweet Anne. 243 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,500 # I love you, Anne, and I want you, Anne 244 00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:43,900 # Please pull me, Anne, and I'll push you, Anne 245 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,800 # Please hurt me, Anne, and bite me, Anne 246 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,800 # 'Cause I want you, Anne, in the morning! # 247 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,600 Back to the studio. 248 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,300 Erm... Peter... 249 00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,700 Problem? 250 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:07,300 It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling. 251 00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,800 Right, just gonna go and pick up Maria. 252 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,800 Anything you need me to do before I go? 253 00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:16,700 Yeah, I want a chocolate. 254 00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,700 These chocolates are for when Maria comes round. 255 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,400 I want a chocolate. 256 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,400 All right, you can have one. Now... 257 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,100 - Which one do you want? - That one. 258 00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,300 - That one? - Yeah. 259 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:35,300 - That's dark chocolate. - I know. 260 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,200 - You don't like dark chocolate. - I know. 261 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:44,400 You say dark chocolate has a bitter edge and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin. 262 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,800 Yeah, I know. 263 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:52,000 Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub. It's caramel. 264 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,600 I want that one. 265 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,900 - They're going back on the shelf now. - I don't like it. 266 00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:05,300 - I did warn you. - Can I have another, to take the taste away? 267 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:10,300 You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before. See you later. 268 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,300 (DOOR CLOSES) 269 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,600 Everyone in Britain loves the opera. 270 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:46,800 Go to any bus stop or factory floor, and all you hear is "Don Giovanni" this, "Rigoletto" that. 271 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,800 (OPERATIC SINGING) 272 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,900 Charles! 273 00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,700 Charles, what's the matter? Charles! 274 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:04,100 - Charles! - Make way! St Tom's! Coming through! 275 00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,800 - He just passed out. - He's in safe hands now. 276 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,900 - Dial 9999. - I wasn't expecting this on me first day. 277 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,900 Come on, now, Neville. What do we do? 278 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,900 - Check his pulse. - Not much good. 279 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:20,900 - Recovery position? - Might be a heart attack. 280 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,200 - I don't know! - Give him a Polo. 281 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,400 - Mint with the hole. - That's not in the manual. 282 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,300 - No time for that. There's a man dying here. - Doesn't seem to be doing anything. 283 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:39,300 Can't be his heart, then. Maybe it's a blood clot. Blood clot, blood clot... Let's see. 284 00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:43,600 Got it. TicTac. Check he's not allergic. He hasn't got a tag? 285 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:48,600 - I can't see anything. - This is a good bit. I saw this last night. 286 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,500 She doesn't know that the duke is her husband in disguise. 287 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:55,200 Causes a right brouhahaha. 288 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,800 Right, where were we? Oh, yeah. 289 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,600 Maybe the dose is wrong. 290 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:08,200 - I think he's had a stroke. - Then we don't have any choice. Neville... 291 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,000 We're gonna have to open the Extra Strong. 292 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:24,100 A favourite destination for holidaymakers, after Siberia, is Scotland. 293 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,800 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, you open for afternoon tea? 294 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,800 Oh, maybe I am and maybe I'm not. 295 00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:43,900 - Oh, OK. - Oh, no, no! I am, I am! Please sit doon. 296 00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:48,800 - Oh, what an adorable little place. - It smells funny in here. 297 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,100 I'll be back in a moment with the cake trolley. 298 00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:57,800 Here I am with the cake trolley. 299 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:02,300 - Oh, those look great, Kimberley. - I want the chocolate cake! 300 00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:08,300 OK, honey. Kimberley has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it? 301 00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:10,600 Ye-e-es. 302 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,600 You mean, "Yes, there are nuts"? Or, "Yes, you know"? 303 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,600 - Ye-e-es. - Well, which? 304 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:22,100 If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie. If ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie. 305 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,100 So, does the cake contain nuts? 306 00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:31,100 Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? 307 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,900 The carrot cake contains... no nuts. 308 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,900 Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? 309 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,200 The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. 310 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,000 (TOOTLING) 311 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,100 No nuts. 312 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,200 Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? 313 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,700 He wants to speak to you. 314 00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:13,800 Mike Kapalski. 315 00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:19,300 Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham. 316 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:23,900 I'd love to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen. 317 00:23:23,900 --> 00:23:29,600 His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire, 318 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,600 but with soft, intimate knowledge. 319 00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:37,400 - End of chapter. - This is wonderful, Dame Sally. 320 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,300 Yes, it is, rather. Chapter four. 321 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:44,900 "As she ran home in the twilight, the world seemed a dream. 322 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:50,400 "The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on the tide..." 323 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:57,200 Here in Britain's capital city of Sneddy are the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent. 324 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,500 - Have you got a pen? - There you are. 325 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:14,600 Dennis... Waterman. 326 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,200 At last we've got you a job. 327 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:24,200 I'm so glad to see you're finally over this silly "write the theme tune" business. 328 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:29,200 - Oh, no, that's all in the past. - Well, thank goodness for that. 329 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,900 Well, if that is all, I will be on my way. 330 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,900 Oh, I have just remembered. 331 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,200 Happy birthday! 332 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,200 Oh, Dennis! You are naughty. 333 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,800 No, I'm not. I'm good. 334 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:55,200 - Thank you. - It's got great music on it. 335 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,800 - Dennis! - Sorry. 336 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,400 Well, that's very kind of you. 337 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:05,000 I'm just going to cut the cake now, if you'd like to come in. 338 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000 Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis? 339 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,300 - Oh, isn't Dennis with you? - I'm right here. 340 00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:14,500 Thank you. 341 00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:19,200 - Make a wish. - We haven't sung "Happy Birthday". 342 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,700 - Oh, go on, then. - One, two, three. 343 00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:26,600 - # Happy birthday to you - # If you want to, I'll change the situation 344 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:31,300 # Right people, right time, just the wrong location... 345 00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:33,300 (IMITATES TROMBONE) 346 00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:38,400 # I've got a good idea Doo-doo-doo-doo, just you keep me near 347 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:39,600 # I'll be so good for... 348 00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:43,500 # Happy birthday, dear Jeremy 349 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:48,900 # I'll be so good for you Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, boo! # 350 00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:55,600 - Cake, anybody? - Just a small piece. 351 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,100 There you go. 352 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,800 It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down. 353 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:10,600 I myself love Chinese food. My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53. 354 00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:16,800 Me and Molly Sugden were friends years before "Are You Being Served?" 355 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,300 - Liz... - In a minute. 356 00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:23,600 Molly said to me, would I like to be her bridesmaid? 357 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,800 - Liz, your food's getting cold. - In a minute. 358 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:34,400 - I was delighted. It was a wonderful day... - You said you were just going to the toilet. 359 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,900 I was. I just got chatting about being Molly Sugden's bridesmaid. 360 00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:43,800 - I'm so sorry about this. - It was a lovely do. We had a lovely meal. 361 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,600 They played the Beatles and there was dancing. 362 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:51,100 - I went to school with Paul McCartney. - Right. And the cake... 363 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:56,000 - Really? What was he like? - A really nice bloke. Dead musical, even then. 364 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,800 Always playing the piano. Lovely singing voice. 365 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:03,300 - Molly Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was... - Did you meet John Lennon? 366 00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:09,600 I did, once. We went round at lunchtime and John was there. They were jamming. 367 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,500 Beatles aren't going any more. I said to Molly... 368 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:17,600 I love the Beatles. I've got all their tapes. I play them in the car. 369 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,300 - Join us. - Thank you. 370 00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:22,700 No, Clive. Come away. 371 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:28,000 - Excuse us. - He was at school with Paul McCartney. 372 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:33,400 Yeah, and I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid. I don't go on about it. 373 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,700 Get over it! 374 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,500 Boring! 375 00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:44,100 45, 46, 47, 48. 376 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,100 Have you got a light? 377 00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:55,100 Won't be long. 378 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,400 And so this week's journey comes to an end. 379 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:07,300 If you have enjoyed the programme, you might like to get up and do a dance in honour of it. 380 00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:09,500 Good bile! 33471

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