All language subtitles for Brassic.S05E00.A.Very.Brassic.Christmas.WEBDL.x264

This programme contains
very strong language.

It's been a long journey,
Joseph, how much further..?

A little way yet, my sweet.

Perhaps we could stop
a while and rest,

the baby is heavy
and making me sleepy.

Of course, my dear...

We'll soon find shelter.

Sorry to trouble you, dear sir,

but my wife's pregnant
and needs to rest a while,

I was wondering if you might be
able to offer us some respite

from our long journey...

What the fuck do you
think I am, Airbnb?

You wanna rest, there's a fucking
Travelodge three miles away.

And why's she on that donkey?

They don't like being sat on.

So, take your sob
story and FUCK OFF.

Jesus Christ, what a rude man.

♪ The best things
in life are free

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees

♪ I need money

♪ That's what I want

Argh... Right then, we are
almost done and dusted...

Are you done? I'm done.

- Thank fuck for that.
- Unless you want a little reindeer on your arse.

Why the fuck would I want
a reindeer on my arse.

Bit of Christmas fun, innit?

But it's only gonna be funny for
Christmas fucking Day, innit?

Then I'm just stuck with a reindeer
on my shitbox for the rest of time.

Well, you wouldn't
see it, would you?

Unless you spend a lot of
time looking at your own arse.

I do, I often check it out.

And the last thing I wanna see
on that gorgeous riggot of mine

is a deer.

I still need paying, though.

You fucking piece of work.

Here, Merry Christmas.
Love you, mate.

Hey, Vinnie. Here he is.

Yes, fat head. What the
fuck are you wearing, man?

I'm in Acapulco.

With a lady. Say hello.

Hi.

Listen, my surgery's being
covered by Maureen Maguire.

No dude, not fucking
Mogadon Maureen.

She's an excellent GP, she's just
got an unfortunate resting face.

Listen, I've got a
favour to ask you.

Course you fucking
do. You know...

You're going loco in
Aca-shagging-pulco

and you still want summat
doing. What d'you want?

It's my Auntie Edie, she's had
a fall, she's broken her arm.

Oh... If I was there I'd
pop in and help but...

Please, if you can,
would you mind, please.

After all I've done for you.
What have you ever done for me?

Like...

Just nothing there,
is there? No.

Come on, what the fuck do you want
me to do with auntie... Edith?

If you could pop in, see
how she is, that's all.

I'll text you her address.
Please, I'd be really grateful.

Just remember every time
a church bell rings,

a little angel gets its wings.

That's just not true, is it? Tis'
true, course it is. Love you.

He's gone.

Wait a minute! No worries.

Fucking hell...

Yes? Edie?

Yes.

Vincent. Your Chris has asked me to
come and just check you're alright.

Check I'm alright? You've
had a bad fall, haven't you?

I'm fine, tell him to
mind his own business.

What did you say your name
was? Vinnie. Vi-Vincent.

No, you don't look a Vincent.
You look like a Gregory.

What's happened to your
neck? Nothing's happ...

Nothing's happened to it.
There's not been an incident.

It's a tattoo. I've
been and had that done.

Well, it's very unpleasant.

What say you just take
that chain off for a minute

and we'll ring Chris, reassure
him that you're alright,

and then if you want
me to go away, I will.

You could be anyone,
you could be a murderer.

I know, but I mean, do I
really look like a murderer?

Yes, with that
tattoo. Fucks sake...

OK... Fuck...

I think you should
call yourself Gregory.

Like Gregory Peck.

Gregory Peck.

Who's that?

It's a nice house.

Should be, I've
been here 38 years.

Was the tree here when
you moved in, or what?

I hate Christmas.

Yeah, so do I, it fucking
sucks, doesn't it?

So come on, what's happened?
Have you had a fall?

That was the arm. The foot
was a different event.

Why, what happened?
Supermarket.

Since when do doors
slam shut on their own.

Ah...

Yeah, I've left
the bath running.

Let me do that. No, no, no...

That's why I'm here.
Let me do that for you.

You want to go up into my
bathroom? A complete stranger,

what if I have private things
I don't want you seeing.

Well, I'll definitely
rifle through 'em!

Cos that's what this is all
about. I wanna go through

your cupboards and see
your old ointments.

I mean, shit, do you have
anything precious in there?

Nah.

Maybe I could just go
and... Yes, could you?

Cos I don't want to struggle back up
those stairs after you've dragged me down.

Hell, no. This is
too low, isn't it?

You don't have one of those
furry bog roll covers,

like knitted woollen
Russian doll type deal.

I am gonna hit
the shagging roof.

Oh, fuck me! Fucking
thousand degrees!

Fucking hell!

Pfff...

Fucking pockets, shit.

Hey Vinnie. How is she?

Well, I've gotta be
honest with you, mate.

She's not fucking
great, actually.

There's some bloody steep
stairs in this house, you know?

I know. Those are the
ones she fell down.

If something happens
during Christmas

and no-one's around to help her,

I mean, I'd feel
fucking terrible, man.

Alright, alright, don't
paint me as the bad guy...

Alright then, you've made
it my fucking problem.

What d'you want me
to do with her, dude?

You couldn't put her up in your
house, could you? Just for a few days?

I live in a shack in
the freezing woods,

you dickhead. It's Christmas
time. It's too cold for that.

Alright, OK, yeah, good point.

Look, er... OK, better idea.

Mm-hmm...

I'm not a child.
Edie, don't hang up...

So, what do you think?

I don't need babysitting. I
might be old and useless...

But I wouldn't look
at it like that.

You've gotta look at it
more along the lines of...

Old lady sitting? That, yes!

Old lady sitting. Come on...

I mean, fucking hell. It's a bit of
company during this festive period.

You hate Christmas.
I hate Christmas.

And I can keep you company.
Look at it like that.

I can get a bit of fucking
company, for Christ's sake.

Mm... You don't smoke indoors.

You don't come into
my bedroom. Mm...

You don't play loud music.

You don't bring
tuna into the house,

and whatever you do,
don't ever - EVER...

go up into my loft space.

Intense. It feels like
a very intense rule.

I've never met anyone that's quite
so serious about their loft space.

Well, you have now.

Sick.

One night he looks out the
window. He's like, oh, fuck me,

it's misty. I need to
get old Rudolph involved.

"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Rudolph could have
turned round right,

he could have been like, fuck you
fat lad, the way you've treated me.

But he doesn't. Probably
because - hello!

Because of the years of abuse and
the resultant low self-esteem.

And to be fair, right,
Rudolph gets stuck in

and he plays an
absolute blinder, right.

Then suddenly - oh, suddenly -
all the other reindeers love him!

They're all fucking
laughing and dancing

and playing their reindeer
games. D'you know what I mean?

I tell you, Rudolph being Rudolph,
he'll let bygones be bygones.

What I'm saying is,
right, If it had been me,

I'd have fucking petrol
bombed the cunts.

And don't get me started
on Good King Wenceslas.

They're starting.

Please welcome, for the annual
Hawley lights switch on...

He's a massive local name,

massive local celebrity,

put your hands together for...

Mister Ian Brillington!

Wayhey...

Hey, hey, heeeyyyy!
Who the fuck is that?

He went on Britain's Got Talent
and he got four fucking "No's."

Pleasure to be here. Now!

Are we ready for
the countdown? Yes!

I can't hear you! Oh,
don't milk it, Ian.

I said, are we ready
for the countdown!

OK, here, we go. Ten...

What was his talent?
Nine, eight...

He did a reverse strip tease.
Started naked and then...

danced his clothes back
on. Oh, that sounds good.

Three, two, one...

Ooh...

We can all agree, Oxford
Street it is not. Pints?!

There you go.

♪ Oh, it's Christmas time,
mistletoe and wine...

Oh my God, this
fucking song again!

I've heard it 15 times today!

Elizabeth, Elizabeth,
turn this shit off, right?

I want to pour
this Christian wine

where the sun don't shine.

Fuck off.

Get off my fuckin' chair, go on.

Hello. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Welcome to the pub,
your magistrate.

I thought you were doing - The Nativity.
- We are.

So why are you dressed
as King Charles...

It's King Herod.
Herod? What is Herod?

Cardi, Herod had all the
young men under the age of two

rounded up and murdered.

For Christmas? Yes.

Not being funny, but do you
think he might have been miscast?

Tommo!

Just sayin', your son doesn't
look like a baby murderer,

with his cherubic features,
his Susan Boyle hair, all that.

I tell you who does look like a baby
murderer, your mate, Liam Watson.

With them ratty eyes-Send out the
soldiers and have him destroyed!

Oh! Ha, ha, ha... Ohhh!

Right there, very good
acting, that's good acting.

Thanks, Tommo. Who owns a
sex truck. Any more notes?

Attitude, d'you
know what I mean.

Where's Vin? We don't
know, nobody's seen him.

Ey up, mate. See, it's only
little that rucksack, innit?

There's not so much in there.
There's just a toothbrush in there,

and some "pyjamjams" so
you don't see my bits.

I've even brought some din dins,
and this bloody thing here.

That's staying in my pocket.

See, all this sucking you do,

that is a replacement
for your mother's tit.

You're probably right, you
know. I agree with that.

My mum's tit weren't
butterscotch flavour, though.

It was steeped in abandonment.

Is your din dins alright?

It's food, I'm eating it.

His body's up there.

You what?

My husband, Fred. His body is
in the loft space, mummified.

Never go up there.

Mm...

Sleep well.

Oh, right...

Fucking terrifying.

The Nativity!

Oh my God, what the
hell has happened?

Someone broke in last night,
robbed and trashed the place.

Can we fix it?

Not easily, darling, no.

Come here.

Excuse me, would you mind Tyler - for me.
- Of course.

Leave your message
after the tone.

Vinnie, where the fuck are
you? I need to speak to you.

Will you answer your
phone, please. Bye.

Two...

two for boring holes.

What's this one here? I
wanna know what that one is.

I'm coming!

You alright?

No. No, come here...

Oh sausage... Mm...

Get in there, she's in the kitchen.
Tell me exactly what's happened.

You know how much work the
school's put in, right?

It's meant to be this huge
event for the community,

meant to have a Christmas grotto

and then a big Christmas
fair afterwards.

Last night, scumbags broke in,
trashed the whole fucking place.

Fuck... Seriously.

Why? I know.

Fucking hell. Well,
is Tyler alright?

No he's not. He's
fucking gutted.

You know how much effort
he put into that show.

Little man.

Alright, what's the school said?

Well, they want to
cancel the whole thing.

Oh, no, that's bad. Yeah.

Tell 'em that I'll sort it.

And The Nativity's back
on, I'll make it work.

How? Vin, it's in four days.

I fucking know, it's a
nightmare. I'll sort it.

Oh...

Here she is.

Hi, you must be Edie. Correct.

Oh, I'm Erin.

Nice name.

Ah, thanks, yours is...

four letters, beginning with E.

We're the best, ha. I
never liked my name.

Oh... There's not a single
famous Edie, that speaks volumes,

don't you think?
There fucking is!

Bloody whatsherbollocks...
Edith erm...

Piaf!

Most celebrated French
singer ever to live.

Also...

Edith Bowman.

I'm not Edith.

No...

Are you his girlfriend?
Oh, God, no.

No, it's not like that. No.

I was going to say, because
you're very beautiful.

Aww. That's hurtful.

We have a child together.

One-night stand.
Long, long time ago.

Drunk, were you?
Oh, God, yeah.

You'd have to be, wouldn't you?

And you got a baby from it?

Yeah, Tyler. Something's happened
at his school, that's why I'm here.

What age is he? Ten.

Primary school. So, I was
a primary school teacher.

In the good old days, when you
could clip them round the ear.

Suppose that was
a different time.

Anyway,

I only came in for my pills.

Oh, that's a nice
way of doing it.

Mm, thought it might make
taking them more fun.

Has it?

No!

I like her.

How long you here
for? I don't know.

Until Chris is back off his
fuckin' New Year's holiday.

Fucking... Good luck.

N-N-No, no, I've just been
saving the best till last.

I need to borrow you.

What if she comes?

If she comes you'll have
to let me know, won't you?

You're the lookout, you
turnip. Right, go on.

Vin, get your arse out my
face. It's all about...

I'll poke it. I'll
fucking poke it.

Oo, I'm going in, right.
You fuckin' went right in.

Pfff...

What? What are you
doing, Vinnie? What?

Fucking husband's up there,
dude, fucking dead, dead.

Caught you! Whaa?!

This is the type you are.
You can't be trusted.

You've got a fucking
dead dude in your attic!

This is my house and I'll
have what I want in here,

and I don't want YOU.

Well, fucking fine,

maybe I'll go.

Do.

Let's go. Get out.
I'm going. Come on.

Good. And don't come back!

I fucking won't, dude.

OK, cokey... Vin, you
can't just leave her.

She'll be OK. I'll come back
later, check she's still alive.

Everything'll be fine. I'm gonna drop you
at home, then Chinese Dan. It's no problem.

Trashed Christmas? Who
does a thing like that?

They want stringing up,
isn't that right, Calvin?

Stringing up. By their
short and curlies.

So naturally you thought
Chinese Dan - big heart,

cares about his community, a sort
of Santa Claus of the Hawley area.

But you're not like Santa Claus!
You're like a fucking bollock

on legs is what you are.

Now listen, it's that time of
year, you get the knock off gear.

We need to sort this fucking-
No Vincent, no, that hurt.

Bloody knock off
gear. That's like a...

♪ ..a dagger to my heart,

♪ a dagger to my heart!

♪ It's turning me up,

♪ breaking me down,

♪ ripping me apart,

♪ dagger to my heart ♪
That's not a real song.

That's on of my
own compositions.

I do soft rock on't weekends.

Have you got Christmas gear
in the lock up, or not?

Yeah, course we have.
Reindeer, snowmen, elves...

Calvin, take them to
the Christmas aisle!

Are you coming?
I'm off for a shit.

Gross, dude!

♪ Oh, it's Christmas time,

♪ mistletoe and wine...

This fucking song again, honestly,
it's fuckin' haunting me.

It's mainly crap that's left, with
it being so close to Christmas.

Is there an Easter aisle?

He's not gonna have one at
Christmas, is he, Cardi?

We do, actually. That's aisle 5.

Aisle 12's Halloween, and
aisle 69's Valentine's.

It's not, cos you haven't
got 69 aisles, have you?

You're lying to make it
sexy. But I COULD do.

Right, we're here.
What you looking for?

Jesus, it's all a bit low
rent, lads, isn't it, like?

What the fuck is
that, like? Oh.

That, Carol, is clearly our lord
and saviour, the baby Jesus.

But it has a wonky left eye

and it's only three
fingers on its little hand.

We can't be too negative. It
does, it looks like shite,

but there's plenty to go at.
You've got your fake snow.

That's terrible stuff, innit, that?
That's going in a dolphin's eyes.

Or a moron's.

You've got the fuckin' fairy lights.
They're gonna look fantastic.

What I'm saying is, there can't be
much more we need for The Nativity.

D'you know what I'm saying,
Calvin? We need the entire set.

Fucking costumes, an inn,
Wise Three Men shit...

Where are we gonna
get all of that?

Oh, bloody hell.
You alright, lad?

Hiya, Dad.

I'm at Jim's farm, we've got a
brilliant idea for The Nativity.

Oh, you're fucking joking.

I'd like to buy these, but
I think they're too "deer."

Come on, children.

Here we go, have a look at this.

Ta-dah!

What d'you think? I
think that it's, well...

It's, it's very... it's very...
Like, what I like is, is erm...

What the fuck is that?
- Yeah. - Yeah.

Nativity. In fucking situ.

Baby Jesus was born
in a barn. Shh...

Realistic this, the
smell of cow shit.

Oh, God. Real cold
blowing through the doors.

Just like Bethlehem. Mm...

They can perform it right
here. For a small remuneration.

Oh, you're just the
opposite of Christmas.

Who are these lads here?
Three Wise Men and a friend.

They're not very
wise-looking though.

They're more like the shadowy
figures that haunt my dreams.

But they're temporary, on the
day you'll have kid actors.

Can I just ask? This is
baby Jesus represented by...

a root veg? Well,
again, temporary.

Yeah... You can tell.
Come here, to me.

I just want you to know
that I'm very proud of you.

You're like your dad, you're
a fucking do-er, alright?

We can do better. You
can, yeah, definitely.

We can always do
better, all of us can.

I'm gonna fucking help you out,
alright? This guy is staying.

I like him. Potato Jesus,
digging it big time.

Shit, who's this now?

Edie? You alright, love?
Fire! My kitchen's on fire.

You what? I've set it on fire.

What? What the fuck?
Well, are you alright?

Listen to me, get out of the
fucking house and ring 999.

I'm on my way to you.
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

Jimbo, Jim, take the boy home.

Edie?!

Edie?!

Fuck!

Arse...

Fuck me...

I'm coming. Oh for, fuck me!

What the fuck?!

Err, sorry, false alarm.

There's not any fucking-You're not
even cooking nor nothing, dude.

I was shitting myself.
I, I thought I saw smoke.

What, from your
fucking cup of tea?

I thought you were on fire.

I've just been trying to sort
Tyler's Christmas school thing.

Some fucker has completely
written off the bloody Nativity.

Who the fuck does-
What's wrong with people?

I'm sorry I'm shouting.

I'm very sweaty and I've banged
my arse on the fucking gate.

I didn't think you liked
me being round here.

I don't.

Shall I make you a warm drink?

Yes, please.

♪ NEIL DIAMOND: "You
Don't Bring Me Flowers"

♪ You don't bring me flowers

♪ You don't sing me love songs

♪ You hardly talk to me anymore

♪ When I come through the
door at the end of the day

♪ I remember when...

Baked beans.

Baked beans, how many?

One.

Tinned tomatoes.

Oh... Just one? One.

So, your son, he's in The
Nativity? Yeah, well yeah,

he will be if we can get the bloody
thing up and running again, yeah.

Acting in his blood?

Well, I wouldn't say that. But
he fucking enjoys it, definitely.

Err, tinned lentils.

How many?

Two-One.

I used to do all that.

Put on shows.

I'd write them, direct them,
I did all the school ones,

but also outside for
a kid's theatre group.

We used to tour, we were good.

Did your kids enjoy
acting as well?

How do you know I have any?

Cos you have pictures.

No, they were more into sport.

Cricket...

Joshua was, he was
good at cricket.

Well, you see a lot. How
do you make a living?

You've got a lot of free time, haven't
you? For shopping with old ladies.

That's right, cos I'm a
good lad. I'm just in a...

unique industry, growing erm...

medicinal plants.

Oh, oh, I see, I see. And
that pays well, does it?

Well... The nice clothes,
the nice trainers,

neck tattoos. They
don't come cheap.

I've smoked a little marijuana

during my bohemian phase.

And what did your bohemian
phase involve, eh?

Sex, mainly...

We used to have a lot
of sex. Chickpeas.

Mm, how many? One? Yes.

I suppose young people
still do, don't they,

with their grinder and whatnot.
They're fucking mad for it.

It's an epidemic.
You not on that?

No, I tried Tinder
once, but it's awful.

It's like shopping
for fucking trainers.

You're not one of the normal ones, - are you, Gregory?
- Vinnie.

I will call you Gregory.
Well, alright then...

It's a theatre prop.

What is?

The mummy. It's a
prop. From a show.

The kids loved playing with it.

It was a better mummy than
some of them had at home...

Fucking size of that rice.

What is this tat?
You off to the dump?

Never mind fucking tat. This
is for the bloody whatsit...

for the school bloody Nativity
shit. What in God's name?

What is, what is that?!

I beg you to be
careful with the crown.

- That's a Wise Man's crown.
- It's not a crown, it's a plastic tiara.

Oh, for... God, no,

Greg, no child should be
subjected to a bad Nativity.

What do you want me
to do? I'm fucked.

I know it's bad. It's all I can
do. I'm pushed for fucking time.

Life's just a bit of a shitter.

It's too fucking drags,
we're not even the house.

Oh gosh...

Oh, it's a long time
since I've smoked a joint.

♪ "HEAVEN CAN WAIT" PLAYS

♪ Heaven can wait

♪ This is paradise...

Now, listen, I have
rolled that mild.

But I still want you
to take your time.

Because it is a lot
stronger than...

it used to be.

Oh... Why the fuck
do I even speak?

- Oh, that's nice.
- It is. Mmm...

You see I... No,
no, no, no, no,

you shouldn't do it like
that. Have a minute,

cos you'll have whitey,
you'll have to go on't floor,

and I'll find some chocolates
to pull you out the shite.

Don't fuss. Mm...

Mm...

Too much...

Oh, I feel strange, don't you?
I know, you've gone too far.

We're gonna have to go
in. Come on, dickhead.

Oh... D'you want to come
to the couch for a bit?

Just come up slow. Come
up slow, come on now...

Why do you...

why do you live alone in
the woods, like some...

creepy, forest vagrant?

Honest to God, I don't
fucking know to be honest.

I think I just like the
peace and quiet of it.

Doesn't it get lonely? Yeah.

Yeah, it fucking does, yeah.
And at night it's the worst.

I always wish there was
someone there at night.

But then... truthfully I just
want 'em gone within a few hours.

I'm just not good with people. I
think it's cos Mum wasn't about.

She left me at a very early age.

So I just never really
got my head around it.

Socialising.

And do you see, do you
see your mother now?

Yeah... saw her
once but, well...

She's got a life of her
own now, really, you know?

Oh, don't let pride get in the
way. I've seen that happen.

Only when it's too late and people
think, why didn't I act sooner...

What happened to your husband?

I'll tell you a story...

Nice.

Many years ago,

I was walking to get
a, a trophy engraved,

don't ask me why,
it's a long story.

And the trophy isn't
relevant. And it was raining.

And on the way back,

I saw this great big
puddle of human vomit,

from the night before.

And it was a really good spread
actually - carrots, obviously,

lumpy bits, all sorts,
and, as I walked past,

a bird swooped down,

a magpie it was, and
they're beautiful birds,

just magnificent feathers - and
it started eating from the vomit,

just...

gulping down all the
really chunky stuff...

Mm...

Fucking hell, is that
the end of the story?

Mmhmm. Lord God.

What did any of that mean then?

That was my marriage.

And I was the magpie.

For far too many years...

Oh,

one of the boys who used to come
to my theatre group, Dick Dolphin -

his real name, staggeringly -

I think he might be able
to help with your Nativity.

I've heard his name before.

Well, yeah, he was in the
paper for avoiding his taxes.

I did NOT avoid taxes.

Cheeky bugger.

He's a businessman now. But
he has a Winter Wonderland.

I was quite a big influence on
him, back when he was young,

cos the theatre group gave
him a sense of purpose.

I think he would let you borrow some
sets and costumes for Tyler's show.

Can you have a word
with him for me, then?

Well, I haven't spoken to
him for a long time, but...

Yes, I will do that.

Could you get my phone, and
light this for me please.

Yeah, give it here.

I feel like you might have been
Bogart in this, ever so slightly.

Come here. I want you to
meet Dr Chris' Auntie Edie.

Into the wonderland.

Mister Dolphin's assistant's
on his way down now.

Assistant, can't he walk?

Like a real dolphin.

Here he is. Hello.

- Hey.
- Alright, I'm Blizzard, you must be Edith.

You must be Edith's friends.
Mr Dolphin is expecting you.

So if you'd like to
follow me this way.

Oh, it's quite a long walk...

OK...

I feel like an invalid.
Sorry, it's "elf and safety."

Oh, Christ alive. That's
the Santa Paws gallery,

fun photos of dogs in
festive fancy dress.

The kids love it. Do they?

What's that there, there?
That's, that's Whack-a-pole.

North pole, penguins pop
up, whack 'em back down.

Hey, Blizzard, come here.

So I read that you put on all
these bloody plays, don't you?

You've got a stage and stuff
like. You do Nativities...

We have several shows everyday.
The Nativity's very popular.

Oh... We do a Christmas Carol with
a female Scrooge for diversity.

We do a dance version of It's A
Wonderful Life. The kids love that.

How far is this office?
Oh, we're nearly there.

You see that glittery door,
that's the Elf's workshop.

And Mr Dolphin's grotto. Oh...

That's exciting, innit? Sorry,
excuse me, thank you. OK...

It's like Mister Benn
that room, innit?

Go in normal, come
out like a snowman...

Who's Mister Benn?

It's a kids TV show.

He went into a shop and put on
a costume and then he'd come out

and go into the
world of the costume.

You know like, spaceman,
acrobat. It was sick.

With no training? He just started
doing these jobs, these dangerous jobs.

Oh, here he is.

The man "yule" want to meet...

"Claus" he has the best
Christmas Wonderland in town.

Dick Dolphin!

Please... No applause,
no applause...

Hello, Richard.

Ah, Edie...

Edie, Edie, Edie.

How is my favourite OAP?

When was it last? '96, '97?

Time flies when you're
building an empire.

And avoiding your taxes. Mmm...

Has she told you... she
saved my life, this woman,

with a proscenium arch and
a love of fine dialogue.

I've kept it up, you know, Edie.
Treading the boards, not just here,

but with an amateur
touring group as well.

Lear next year. Oh...

"As flies to wanton
boys are we to th' gods:

They kill us for their sport."

Lovely... Lovely. Shit.

Come on. It was
good, actually.

It's just a small thing.
What d'you mean? Wow, man.

Sorry... Dick Dolphin,
entrepreneur and entertainer.

Or the other way around,
depending on the day.

You, oh, God, he's
just such a charmer.

I'll just introduce myself
properly. I'm Vincent O'Neill,

this is the gang,
that's Tommo. How do.

Course, you know our Edie.
- Big lad's Ashley. - Hello.

Cardi, JJ. And the green
angel on the end is our Carol.

Ah... Well, Carol,

that is an appropriate
name for this time of year.

So's Dick.

Have you seen it, my wonderland?
My... magical kingdom.

We've seen it there a minute ago.
You should stick around tonight,

we're doing a thrilling
new version of The Snowman,

written by yours truly.

Be careful, love, you'll
put your back out.

A... nd he's back up.

It's a wonderful thing
you've created here, Richard.

I can't believe that
little boy that I coached

has transformed into
the Winter Walt Disney.

- Thank you.
- And we've come to ask a little favour.

Favour?

Greg'll tell you. Yes.

Hoodlums have come and
they've trashed The Nativity

at my son's school.

- Mm-mm.
- We're just doing our best to sort of pull together

some sort of a bloody
Christmas play type deal.

And of course Edie, having
spent so much time with you

and knowing that you
have this wonderful place

and how you might be able to help
us out with sets, or costumes?

Props. Props of
Nativity-based stuff.

- Right, right.
- You know, she said how much they'd all meant to you.

Did she, did she now?

She did. It's a small favour,

with all the wonderful
stuff you have here.

You will make a lot
of children so happy.

A small favour...

Sometimes everyone needs
a favour, don't they?

And if you get one it
should always be repaid...

Mm... Exactly.

True.

But...

Edie...

Let's just...

travel back through
time, - shall we? Oh...

Back to when I were 14 years of
age and the BBC, God bless 'em,

they were making a drama
in Hawley. Do you remember?

Well, I went to the open auditions,
and I got through to the last three

to play Snelly, the son of
an unemployed factory worker

who overcame his loneliness

through his friendship
with a semi mute tramp.

Yes, I do, I do remember.

Do you?

And do you remember saying
you'd take a young Dicky

to the final audition in
city centre Manchester?

This was all a long
time ago. Yeah.

That was a small
favour, wasn't it?

One that could have catapulted young
Dicky Dolphin to fame and stardom.

But, alas, ladies and gentlemen,

she didn't show up.

Oh...

Fuck me, he's held on
to that one, hasn't he?

I had my reasons... Shit,
yeah, err, bad times,

just leave them in the past
and focus on't Nativity.

Hey, hey.

Mm...

Despite appearances,
I am not Santa Claus.

I can't just give away
parts of my wonderland

to the first Tom, Dick, or
Greg who walk through the door.

So...

Oh Dick, Dick, fucking Dick!

Please, we just
desperately need help.

I understand that we're
asking a lot here.

Fuck me, it's Christmas, dude.

And you could make a lot of
children very happy, man.

Children?

Happy?

How about you ask her if she's
made her own children happy.

How about you ask her why they
don't speak to her anymore.

How about that?

It's a NO.

Ho-ho-ho!

You're not fucking
clapping for that twat.

Can I get anyone eggnog?

You can knob off Blizzard. Take
your puns with you, you twat.

Get me out of here.
Get her out of here.

I want you and I want fucking
you. Come here right now.

You two are fucking
recceing this place.

We're gonna rob that penis dolphin - dickhead. D'you hear me?
- Yeah.

Right, fucking listen up now.
Edie can't hear any of this.

Go on, JJ. This...

is the main area of
the Wonderlands, OK?

But as we all saw, these doors
here, they lead back stage.

So, I clocked the security code
as Blizzard put it in. 2512.

Why would you choose that?
It's difficult to remember.

It's Christmas Day, Cardi.

We're gonna go in late,
and when no-one's looking

we're gonna sneak backstage,
like we work there,

head as confident as you like
into the costume cupboard

where we're gonna dress up in
whatever the fuck we like, alright?

From then on, we're gonna merge
back into that bloody party

like we were always part
of the fucking show.

Until 10pm. That's when the lights
go out and everyone goes home.

Except, WE will be hiding
inside the wonderlands.

When the lights go out, take
whatever the fuck we want

and we are gonna
exit at the exit.

Now I want you watching
Edie. Oh, why me?

I want you watching-Because you
are sensitive and you're kind.

It's what she needs. Also, she
might accidently kill herself.

Just keep your eye on
her, alright? Good lad.

It's nothing to do with what Dick
Dolphin said, I'm just tired.

Come on, Edie. Open't
door for just a second.

No.

Alright, well, listen. I've gotta
nip out and do one or two things.

But I've, I've got
my friend Cardi here,

who's beautifully house
trained just in case...

Where are you going? You're
not gonna steal anything?

No, no.

Just...

stuff to sort out.

You alright, you seem
a bit down? I'm fine.

Fuck.

Surprise! I wanna come with you.

No, no, no... no, no. You
are not coming with us.

Every fucking time you come on a
job you just fuck something up.

Like when?

When have I EVER messed up
any of your fucking jobs?

Mind out that prop there, Jim.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

I mean, fuck me, dickhead!

Practically bomb proof.

Oh fuck, ah! Fucking
me you knob head.

Oh, come on, lads, it's the
season of goodwill, innit?

The fucking peace and forgiveness
and all that bollocks.

Just suck out all
the joie de vivre.

You can come on the job.
I swear to God, dude,

if you fuck something up,

I'll put the star of
Bethlehem up your pee hole.

D'you hear me?

Yeah, alright. Let's fucking go.

Get the fuck in front of
us you... Get out of here.

JJ.

Lovely jumper, you knit
it yourself. I'm joking.

Oh, God.

I don't know why Santa chose
reindeers, they can't even fly.

Produce good milk,
though, high in protein.

They're probably
why Santa's so fat.

You look like Santa.
Except thin and ugly.

You cheeky little cunt.

Naughty list!

Yeah.

Dad... You're getting nowt!

Oh, come on, knobhead!

Lads, wait for me, fucks sake.

So, it's straight through
here to the fucking costumes.

Shite! Elf! Working
bloody hard here.

I've not even been nominated for Elf
Of The Month. There's a cupboard!

I'm fine, I'm just a bit...

I'm just a bit stressed at
the minute. A bit overwhelmed.

Right, job... Shhh...

This is all well and good, but
how we gonna know when he's gone?

Shit. I think we
should send Jim out,

because other Jim did not meet
him the first time we met him.

Yeah, let the fuck up
begin. Be positive!

What I think you should do,
right, go in there and pretend

you've got dementia and you've
wandered in by accident.

Cos I'm not being funny Jim, but
I do think it'll be believable.

More than fucking believable. Hey,
hey, you fucking listen to me.

Get out there, distract
that elf. Prove yourself.

Yeah, yeah, just leave
it to the expert.

Reindeers at five.

Finish at six.
Snowglobes tomorrow.

I'll breathe, I'll
breathe, I just...

Ho-ho-ho.

Hello..?

Shall I tell you about Elves...

Please do... Father Christmas.

In the past, Elves were said
to take away human children,

curse 'em and drive 'em mad.

Oh, can you show me where
the nearest bathroom is?

I need to deposit my yule
log. Yeah, wai... have we..?

Come on, I'm touching
cloth here! Yeah, I...

Fucking hell.
Have I known you?

- Let's go.
- Sick. Come on, let's get the costumes on.

Sick! Fantastic. We've
gotta be as quick as we can.

Find something that fits, put it
on, let's get back to the show.

Right, can I just say, though,
I will not be a fucking elf.

Everything OK, can you manage?

I'm fine.

Here, let me, I can... No.

So, what's your deal then?

How d'you mean?

Do they often leave you behind?

No.

No, no, I'm actually
an integrated...

not integrated... important...

p-part of, of t-the team.

You have a kind face.

You remind me of one of my sons.

Right.

W-w-which one?

The fat one, Carl.

Oh, I can see him now,
he'd be standing there.

He'd say, "Mum,
let's have a dance."

He'd put a record on - Neil
Diamond, or Elkie Brooks,

and he liked the
70's for some reason.

And then he'd want us to...

just float around
like Fred and Ginger.

That, that must have been nice.

Yes.

Yes it was.

I bet they r-really love you.

I can dance with
you, if you like?

I mean,

I got two left feet and-and
well, you've got a foot cast on,

but w-we can try.

♪ ELKIE BROOKS: Don't Cry Out
Loud ♪ I know a lots about her

♪ 'cause you see

♪ Baby is an awful lot like me

♪ We don't cry out loud,

♪ we keep it inside

♪ Learn how to
hide our feelings,

♪ fly high and proud

♪ And if you should fall...

♪ remember you
almost had it all...

Edie,

are you-are you OK? I'm fine.

You're, you're crying.

I said I'm fine, for God's sake.

I just want, I want you to go
now. Err, was it the song..?

Oh, I'm sorry. No,
no, I'm, I'm...

I'm tired. And I just
want to be alone.

I-I-I can't, I promised Vinnie.

This is my house and
I want to be alone.

I'm a grown woman and if
I say I want to be alone,

I should be allowed be alone!

Yeah, sure,

I'm s-s-sorry.

♪ "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS

♪ Jingle Bells, jingle bells...

Tommo, come here, come here.

Right come here, come
on. Now listen to me now.

You find yourself
an hiding place.

When I give the signal,
you know, just disappear

while they shut the place down.

And keep a fucking low
profile. Don't let me down.

Especially you. What?

Just fuck off and get your
stupid fucking Santa outfit on.

Oi! The hell have
you been? What?

You're from the agency? Yes.

You're on stage in two minutes.

And try not to slip on your own
baby oil like the last idiot.

What?! But I... hang
on. Hang on. Hang on.

Ten thousand curses.

Your foolish chatter
has sealed your doom...

- Found him.
- Jesus Christ, Aladdin's padding like fucking mad out there!

He's about to rub the fucking lamp, - come on.
- No...

Come on.

C'mon, get up there!

Who dares disturb, err,

my slumber...

Gosh, who are you?

I am the Genie, the
most awe-inspiring,

ground-shaking,

the best Genie you've ever known
about. Here, give me that mic.

It's important to note that
you don't have to think

that it's selfish...

Just to be wishing for things.

It gives me a sense
of purpose... Shit.

And self-respect. I thought
you said low profile?

- I fucking did.
- That's important, isn't it, kids, respect?

Yeah!

Yeah. Oh, no, it
isn't. Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't.
Oh, yes, it is!

How does that sound
to you, Aladdin?

I hate Pantomimes, they've been
ruined now by lefty snowflakes.

You can't have ugly
sisters anymore,

Snow White has to
be fucking green!

It used to be an harmless
bit of fun: slapping dwarves

and lifting up Cinderella's skirt
to reveal enormous knickers.

It's just a terrible
loss, innit? Yeah.

You know what? DJ
fucking run that shit

and we'll pop the roof
off this bitch. Let's go.

For the love of Christ.

Yeah. Oh my God, that's
perfect, let's go.

Sit yourself down.

♪ You made me grow big
when you rubbed my lamp on

♪ Didn't mean it like that,
kids, that came out wrong

♪ It's inappropriate,
that, yeah, I'm sorry, OK?

♪ Let me do a Genie rap
now to brighten up your day

♪ See I'm a mystical man,
with a heart full of gold

♪ Tell me who you are
lad, a good lad, or bold

I'm... ♪ Aladdin the bind,
or Aladdin the pick up,

♪ Aladdin better watch it,
cos the Genie can be fickle

♪ I've been stuck up in the lamp,
I've been cramped up like this

♪ Not a corner to chill,
not a pot to piss in

♪ Been wishin', my mission's
been to grow and break free

♪ I'll give you what you
want with these wishes three

♪ I know it's hard to
ignore a lot, my lyrics flow

♪ Not to impose but your
father's hot, second row

♪ These other Genies they
can't sing, they've no flow

♪ It's like they're
broke in a strip club

♪ They've no notes, I'll say
Genie, if you say rap, Genie...

Rap! ♪ Genie

Rap! ♪ Listen I say Genie,

♪ kids, if you say
"rope"? Genie Rope.

♪ Genie Rope.

Whooo!

Oh...

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

That was brilliant.
He's reasonable.

Thank you so much. Good
job. Get the fuck out.

Woo! Come on, Ireland!

Get off!

♪ JONI MITCHELL:
"Both Sides Now"

♪ Rows and flows of angel hair

♪ And ice cream
castles in the air

♪ And feather canyons everywhere

♪ Looked at clouds that way

♪ But now they
only block the sun

♪ They rain and they
snow on everyone

♪ So many things
I would have done

♪ But clouds got in my way

♪ I've looked at clouds
from both sides now

♪ From up and down...

Thank you...

Alright, Cardi, are you alone, - sweetheart?
- Yeah.

Oh, careful!

Where's the others?

They're on a job but
I were left to...

give, err, given a
different... role.

Oh well, my husband used to say,
you're never alone with a pint.

Mind you, he was a
functioning alcoholic.

That wreaked havoc with his
libido. That's why I took a lover.

Another?

Err, yes... b-b... Why not?

Why not?

♪ "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS

♪ "CAROL OF THE
BELLS" PLAYS ON RADIO

Jim, I was class back there,
you should have seen me.

Oh, no, you wasn't!
Oh, yes, I was!

Oh, Rottweiler,

you can get a nasty
bite from them cunts.

But lucky for you, I can train
a vicious dog in seconds.

How do you plan to do that?

Nosey. Shot. The crow.

Well, I'll take the man, - if you take the mutt.
- OK.

♪ NICK DRAKE: Day Is Done

♪ When the day is done

♪ Hope so much your
race will be all run

♪ Then you find
you jumped the gun

♪ Have to go back
where you began

♪ When the day is done

♪ When the night is cold

♪ Some get by...

No!

Please leave your
message after the tone.

Hi Edie, err, it's Cardi.

I just wanted to see
if you were alright.

I'm in the pub, I thought
maybe, if you wanted me to come

and get you, you could
come for a drink.

Err, anyway...

Alright, love you, bye. I
don't love you, I don't...

I don't not love you, but...

Ah, just call-call me back.

Oh fuck that. Telling a
fucking old woman I love her.

Already done that
once, I got married.

Fucking hell.

- What's going on?
- The last of the staff come through now.

They're all gone. There's
no sign of Dick Dolphin.

Alright, now listen to me, you go
and sort the security guard out

and I'm gonna go find
this Flipper cunt.

We're on.

Quiet.

What the fuck..?

Come on.

Got you.

Sit.

Down.

Good boy.

Can you make him roll over?

I can make it fucking
knit if you want.

Stay!

Come on.

Dog!

Edie..?

Edie..?

Ah!

Ah, help...

Help...

♪ TCHAIKOVSKY'S "DANCE
OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"

You've terrorised this
town for long enough..."

And he goes, "Oh, but Mr
Dolphin, who's gonna stop me?"

I'm the strong and unbeatable.

Before he can finish...

Dirty Dick does a flying
kick through the air.

THUMP! Grinch on the floor.

Oh, fucking God.

What the..?

What the..?

Well, get him!

♪ CYNDI LAUPER AND THE
HIVES: "A Christmas Duel"

♪ And went down on your Mother

♪ I set your record
collection on fire

♪ And said I never knew

♪ Felt kind of bad about that

♪ And I know you did too

♪ So whatever you say
It's all fine by me

♪ Who the fuck anyway
wants a Christmas tree

♪ Cause the snow
keeps on fallin'...

♪ So whatever you say,
it's all fine by me

♪ Who the fuck anyway
wants a Christmas tree

♪ Cause the snow
keeps on fallin'...

♪ Even though we were bad...

Edie, it, it's me, Cardi...

Listen, I know, I
know you said leave,

but I had this strange
feeling, and...

Help! Edie... Oh fuck.

Edie..? In the loft.

Edie? Edie?

Help! Shit.

Alright, wait, hold on, I'm
coming up. I'm coming up.

Hold on, hold on.

Edie, fuck. Are you-are you OK?

I think-I think I've broke
my arm. Which one? Which one?

It's not the one that's
already broken, you idiot.

Yeah, no, good point.
Shit, right, hospital.

Let's get you out.

Oh, careful, no careful,
careful, careful.

Right, you lot, grab the
fucking stuff and let's go!

Fucking hell.

Hello? Cardi!

What's going on, lad?!

You fucking what?
Jim, go, go, go!

Cardi, fucking hell! What's
happened? Where is she?

It's just some scratches,
man. I'm so sorry, Vin.

No, no. Listen, listen,
dude, it's my fault.

It's my fault. What was she
doing in the bloody loft.

She was looking at
fucking photo albums.

They were all over
the floor. Lord God.

I think it was her husband
and kids, or summat.

Are you alright?
Yeah, fine. I'm fine.

Well, which way is
she? Sorry, in there.

Alright. I love you, dude. Yeah,
you too, man. Love you too.

Don't be sad.

Here she is!

You look fucking well, eh?

Can't leave you alone
for five shagging minutes

without you falling
through a bloody ceiling...

I know where you've been,

your friend told me.

Was it a success?

Yeah it was, yeah.
We've done really well.

Good, he deserves it.

I hope your child's
show is a triumph.

Hm, should be.

So Cardi told me

that you went into the loft,
looking for photographs.

All that shit Dick said about
you and your children...

It's just nonsense.

He's right.

I was a bad mother.

No, I can't see it.

I was!

Not always. Not when
they were little,

but later.

Why?

What did I tell you, about
the magpie and the vomit.

Mm...

Fred had always had affairs. I
knew about some, suspected others.

But then I found out about...

Maggie, my best friend.

And that was the day
of Dick's audition.

It had been going
on for over a year.

And something
inside just snapped.

I could literally feel
my heart breaking...

And...

I wanted the kids to hate
him as much as I hated him.

And when they didn't,
that just made me worse...

Oh...

Your friend,

he danced with me,

like my boy used to dance...

Oh,

what I'd give to
dance with him now.

To have my boys by my side...

Well, it's not too late, is it?

No matter what's gone on,
no matter what's happened,

you are their mother,
they'll still want you.

Too much has been said.

A wise old woman
once said to me,

don't let pride get in the way.

Oh,

I was a good person once, Greg.

I always told my pupils that,

even though they were
growing up without money,

or the chances that others had,
they could still do great things.

They were my happiest days...

I feel really hot for a snowman.

Ah... Too sore?

Little bit.

I think we need to start putting
the haystacks on the stage.

Actually, Ash, will
you put... Here he is.

Erin?! Yes, yes.

Mrs whatsherbollocks...
Weatherall.

Weatherall. She happy with all
this? Yeah, she's really happy.

Come here to me. What?

Wait till you see, ha...

Wait till you see the
fucking director I've got us.

- Who've you got?
- You'll never guess, but she's a very special lady.

Now what I want you to
do, I want you to...

run to that wall and run back!
Run to that wall and run back.

And run back to me. Put
your hands up in the air.

And put them down. And run
back to the wall again.

Run back to the wall
again. Very good.

I fucking love her.

It doesn't matter if you're
playing a shepherd, a sheep...

What part you're playing you
are all absolutely vital.

Aw... Bless her.

We're doing The Nativity!

That's it.

♪ Let men their songs employ...

♪ While fields and floods,
rocks, hills and plains.

♪ Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy...

One time, one time.

♪ Repeat, repeat
the sounding joy.

♪ Joy to the world... ♪

- Yeah!
- Wow.

Oh, children, that was spectacular,
wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

Very good. Yes, very good.

Truly wonderful.

And I would like to say
a heartfelt thank you

to a special person who has
helped us achieve so much

in so little time.

Please, welcome to the stage,

an amazing theatre director
and an inspiration to many,

many children,

Miss Edie Barnes!

Come on, let's have you.
Come on. Go on Edie!

Edie now! Edie now!

Edie now! A few
words, Miss Barnes.

Erm...

I just want to say...

if you think about the
story you've just watched,

it's all about the
kindness of strangers.

And...

And I know first hand the
difference that can make.

And for all these children

who had their hard
work undone by thugs,

I hope the kindness of strangers
has helped them too, because...

this world up here -

this magical place, the stage -

and the imagination
it opens up in us,

can be an escape from
the toughest parts

of our real lives.

And I'm very grateful to have had
another chance to be a part of that.

And I'd like to
thank this man here

and all these
wonderful children.

One final surprise.

An ex pupil of yours,
Ian Brillington...

You're fucking joking.

From Britain's Got Talent, would
like to sing in your honour.

Oh...

It is... It's him am' all!

Fucking hell. He's got the
same fucking jacket on.

Miss Barnes,

you inspired me...

and so many
others... Everyone...

join me...

♪ The child is a king

The carollers sing...

You're fucking joking.
No, no, fucking hell, man!

It's fucking, no, I'm not having
it. I'm off, I'm not having it, no!

Fucking Christ, wake me
up in fucking January.

♪ Dreams of snow

♪ Fingers numb, faces aglow

♪ It's Christmas time

♪ mistletoe and wine

♪ Children singing
Christian rhyme...

♪ With logs on the fire

and gifts on the tree...

What..?

Oh my, my... Boys...

Mum.

Happy Christmas.

Oh, come, come here.

Oh God. Oh God.

Come in, come in, come in...

Come in, come in.

Thank you.

Hello Christoph,
how's your holiday?

Jemima's a bloody nightmare,
she has the intellect of a fish,

how's auntie Edie? She's
good, she's good, yeah.

Having a good Christmas actually.
Yeah, she's enjoying herself.

Auntie Edie? Enjoying Christmas?

What have you given her? Cannabis,
fucking loads of it, dude.

She's gone through two 20 bags.

That's an animal. For a
beginner, that's insane.

I threw a whitey before she did.

Honestly, she sent me
out for Bounties...

♪ The lights are
turned way down low

♪ Let it snow! Let
it snow and snow! ♪

♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN AND FREE
SOUL: So Much Trouble In My Mind

♪ I got so much
trouble in my mind...

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