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- Right here we're gonna walk down

to the Capitol and we're probably not

gonna be cheering so
much for some of them.

(electronic beeping)

- Derek and Dale.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

We are just 10 months away
from the 2020 election

and I've got a special
weather report for you.

It is a blizzard out there.

There are snowflakes all over the place,

the people reporting the news.

Of course, I'm talking
about the lame-stream media.

My name's Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- And we are the hosts of
"The Derek and Dale Show."

"The Derek and Dale Show" is a podcast

that we do right back here
in the back of my wife's van.

My wife makes us take 'em
off whenever she goes out.

She says following one man blindly

will ultimately lead to our destruction.

Now we've been reporting on
Trump rallies since 2016.

- CNN sucks, CNN sucks!

- We're reporting live here

for "The Derek and Dale
Show" at a Trump rally.

Lock her up, lock her up!

We're journalists, you know?

What we're doing is journalism.

- Allentown is actually
a pretty beautiful city.

- I'm gonna say it,

Dale is my best friend in the whole world.

I love Dale, I really do and
he's always there for me.

I can't tie my own shoes and
Dale has the same problem.

- Yeah, I can't tie my shoes at all.

- Dale handles all of the online stuff.

He's our social media guru.

- I write a lot of fan
fiction on the internet.

My friends online seem to really like it.

- 4chan, 8chan.

Jackie Chan.

I'm not PC.

This is my friend Dale, he's an incel.

He hasn't talked to a
woman in like 10 years.

- Hi, Dale.

- So it's an involuntary celibate.

So that means you kind of
maybe wanna but they don't.

- Yeah, this is the house I live in with,

well, when I'm allowed
to with my wife Caitlin

and my beautiful daughter.

That's my daughter, Ivanka.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- No, no, Ivanka, my daughter
is, I named her Ivanka.

She's four years old.

I enlist her in all of
the beauty pageants.

- I actually don't really like
his wife and his daughter.

- Yes.

- I think that they're bitches.

- I'm gonna let that one
slide, I'll tell you why.

Because Dale has some
severe emotional problems.

His dad left him, told
him not to trust women.

- Yeah, my dad left when I
was young and his parting

words were "Don't fucking
trust your fucking mom.

There's a fucking reason
I'm fucking leaving.

Get it through your fucking
thick little skull."

I miss him so much.

- My wife kicked me out of the house.

Yeah, she said I gotta get a real job

and contribute to Ivanka's college fund.

So I came up with a plan.

We're leaving tonight to go get jobs

at Fox News in New York City.

- That's right, "The Derek and Dale Show"

is gonna be the newest
show on the Fox lineup.

Tonight's the night.

- We're getting jobs at Fox News.

(people cheering)

- I love Ivanka.

Hopefully when I become
a big Fox News star,

she's not gonna look at me like
some loser doing a podcast.

She's gonna look at me like
I'm worth something, you know?

- New York City, here we come.

- God, did it just start raining?

What's that thing you always keep saying?

- The calm before the storm.

- And what's that other thing?

You're always like "Where we go," what?

- Where we go one, we go all.

- We should go, right?
- We should go.

- Yeah.

(upbeat electronic music)

- We here at "The Derek and Dale Show"

are cutting through the lies and a lie is

anything that Donald
Trump says isn't true.

- And sometimes some stuff

that he hasn't even
mentioned, like robot people.

Hillary Clinton is
actually a robot person.

- Wait Dale, I'm gonna stop you there.

Please do not bring this up
when we're at Fox News, okay?

- That person flipped me off.

- Tomorrow, we're gonna
be huge stars at Fox News.

- We're gonna be cheersing
Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity.

- 2020 is gonna be the greatest year ever.

All right, let's get some sleep.

- Tomorrow's a big day, huh?
- Tomorrow's a big day.

Goodnight, Dale.
- Goodnight, Derek.

- Good morning, Derek and Dale nation.

We have some exciting news.

Can you imagine if we
were on that billboard?

"Derek and Dale Show" right there?

That would be the key to my happiness.

Do you know where Fox News is?

- I hate Fox News.

- Today is our first show at Fox News.

Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

This is our very first show
right here, live at Fox News.

I think if they see us
out here doing our thing,

they're gonna see
that we're the real deal

and they're gonna offer
us a prime time show.

- That's right.

- Do you work in the building?

- Yep.

- We're "The Derek and Dale Show."

- Yeah.

Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.
- Yeah.

- We want a show on Fox.

- Maybe they're talent scouts.

- Are you guys talent scouts?

- You're security?

Is it possible to get a
meeting with the CEO right now?

Suzanne Scott, that's her,
that's the CEO, right?

She's the CEO right, Suzanne Scott?

- What are you saying?

- If we could get a meeting
with her right now.

- Derek, we're here to meet a woman?

- Yeah.

- I don't want to meet a woman.

Derek, I'm an incel.

Are you serious?
- Yes.

- Why didn't you tell me this?

I don't talk to women.
- Dale, Dale.

Hey, it's fine, it's fine.

We'll take a midday
show, it doesn't matter.

- Stop it.

- This isn't a reflection
of what we’d be like on air.

- Ugh!

- Why do we have to leave?

Are we getting a show today? Yes or no.

- You're not getting a show.
- We're not getting a show?

- You lied to me.

- No, no, I promised Ivanka.

- Do you guys talk to women?

(tense violin tones)

(soft piano music)

Sometimes when I'm feeling insecure,

I gotta get into the comment section
and just troll some people.

I'm so stupid.

Of course Fox News doesn't
want anything to do with me.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm just gonna go home and
beg my wife to take me back.

Stupid.

(soft angelic chanting)

- I'll fucking find you.

- Of course, we should make a deal.

"Art of the Deal," what
would Donald Trump do, right?

- Make a deal.
- Make a deal.

- Let's make a deal.
- Let's make a deal.

- Let's make a deal.
- Let's make a deal.

- Let's make a deal.

(upbeat piano music)

- That was not cool that Derek lied to me.

I didn't know I was gonna
have to speak to a woman.

- Dale.
- Derek,

I'm glad you found me, we
gotta go back to Allentown.

I don't want anything to do with this.

- What would Donald Trump do?

- I don't know, what do you mean?

- He wouldn't give up, he'd make a deal.

- Okay, I just don't think Fox News wanted

anything to do with a
couple of loser podcasters.

- We're entitled to whatever we want

just like Donald Trump is.

- Okay, but how do we get it?

- A demo tape.
- Demo tape?

- A tape that shows we can do
everything that Fox News does

and we bring it back and
we put it on their desk.

- I don't know, Derek.
- It's the perfect deal.

- I just want my old life back.

- Okay, let me take you somewhere.

If you're not convinced, we
can go back to Allentown.

- Okay, you promise?
- I promise.

- Okay.
- Come on, follow me.

- So Derek took me to Trump Tower

and it was basically like
a religious experience.

I mean it was gold all
over like everything

and we just know that it can all be ours.

- So I've been studying
"The Art of the Deal"

and I put together a checklist

for everything we need
for the perfect demo tape.

Success is so close, we
can practically taste it.

Your eyes do not deceive you.

We have changed our look here
at "The Derek and Dale Show."

We have ditched our MAGA hats

for some crisp button-downs
and we're looking great.

We are going cross-country right now.

From New York, we're
heading to the Iowa Caucus.

- Democratic Presidential hopefuls

crisscrossing the Hawkeye State.

- Every Iowan is worth 1,000 Californians.

- This is where the action is.

This is where all the journalists are.

This is where Fox News is.

Hey sweetheart, no, no, no.

I'm actually not heading home,
I'm actually heading to Iowa.

On the phone with my wife,
trying to explain to her

I'm heading out to make a demo tape.

She was like, "You gotta go
home and raise our daughter."

It's like this is important to me.

I'm here, sweetheart, I'm here.

Honey, no, no.

Put Ivanka on the phone,
put Ivanka on the phone.

Put Ivanka on the phone,
put her on the phone!

Sorry for yelling, I love you.

"The Derek and Dale Show" is reporting

live from Iowa at the Iowa Caucus.

There's a lot of Democrats up for election

and it's gonna be the media capital

of the world for the next couple weeks.

So we're gonna report on it as unbiased

journalists who are supporting Trump.

- That's right.

- The second item on our demo checklist

is an investigative report that
we're doing on voter fraud.

It's a very important
issue in the election

and Trump says it's
happening all the time.

- Yeah, it's pretty
scary because if the libs

can voter fraud enough,
they'll win the election.

- A lot of people are out
there committing voter fraud.

- Oh, you don't vote?

- Hey ma'am, how are you?

Who would you be voting for?
- Biden and the other one,

Bernie.
- Oh yeah?

And you and you wouldn't
vote twice, right?

- I might not even vote at all.

- No, that's good,
that's good, that's good.

- Trump 2020, Pence 2020.

- Can you do a quick interview?

- Oh yeah.

- Voter fraud's a real
problem in the country.

- Yeah, I know, I know all about it.

- Have you ever seen any voter fraud?

- Yeah, me, I did it.

- You committed voter
fraud, what'd you do?

- Voted twice for Trump.
- Really?

- Four years ago, yes.

- Did you get in trouble for that?

- Yeah, I'm still on probation for it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I spent a month in jail, yeah.

Now if I had voted for Hillary,
I would've got a gold medal.

- Do you think a lot of people
voted twice for Hillary?

- There's people who voted
for Obama eight times.

- Where did you hear that?

We should look into that.
- On Facebook.

- On Facebook, you saw it on Facebook?

- Yeah.

- What advice would you
give to people out there?

- Don't vote twice.
- Don't vote twice?

- Yes, don't vote twice,
it's not worth it.

- I'm having like a big crisis because

I honestly thought it was
like libs that were doing it.

- Yeah.

(slow tempo jazz music)

Well we did find some voter fraud.

- Yeah, just not who
we thought it might be

but we're still allowed
to check the box, right?

- Yeah, of course.

We found it.
- Right.

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Moving on, if we want to be
taken seriously by Fox News,

we're gonna have to up
the production value.

Unfortunately for us, we
lack the funds to do that.

Enough about that, let's
talk about why we're here,

which is the Democratic Caucus

and we're gonna see
somebody called Andrew Yang.

You heard at one point,
there's an Asian man running

for President who wants to
give everyone $1,000 a month.

- Wait, what do you mean $1,000 a month?

- He just gives it away like an idiot.

- That's a typical liberal
giving away $1,000 a month.

Um for $1,000 a month could go a
long way, I mean we could-

- I asked a member of the Yang gang

because I happen to live
with one, my five-year-old.

(audience laughs)

I asked him, "Why are you
voting for Andrew Yang?"

And here's what he said,

"His face looks fresher than Bernie's."

(audience laughs)

So he's here today,
let's give a warm welcome

to this fresh-faced
candidate for President.

(audience applauds)

- Thank you for the warm introduction.

Thank you all for being here today.

I'm running to address a
challenge that we've been

struggling with as a country
for the last several years

that we haven't fully
understood and apparently-

- I'm kind of low on cash right now.

Do you think I could get an advance

on the Universal Basic Income?

If there's like two or $3,000,
you could just give me now.

- We have to make this
happen for everyone.

- Can you just give me
the money in your wallet?

A couple bucks right now? That'd be great.

- I gotta go man, thank you.
- Okay.

- You can go out this way.
- Okay.

- Sorry about that.

- No, not at all.

- I think what we gotta

let everyone know is that Andrew Yang

talks a lot about robots and
it's because he is a robot.

He's trying to take all our
human jobs, including President.

If we don't stand up for ourselves,

the robots are gonna take over.

(audience boos)

The robots are gonna take over.

(people chattering, laughing)

He is a robot.

(ominous violin music)

The robots are gonna take over.

- So as I was saying
before we were interrupt-

- We need money to revamp the van

and Dale did some research.
- Yeah.

There's actually a candidate out there

who's a billionaire,
plenty of money to spare.

- Billionaire Tom Steyer says

he's the candidate for America.

- I am a different person from
everybody else who's running.

- And if there's one thing

billionaires are afraid of, it's lawyers.

My dad made a lot of money back in the day

getting hit by cars, tractors,

anything with wheels and you
get in the way by accident

and then you sue for a lot of money.

Now if you pick the right people,

that can be very lucrative and that's how

he finally made enough money
to leave me and my mom.

- For 40 years, all the increased

income in the United States has gone

to the richest people and
the biggest corporations.

Basically I'm running because

these corporations own the government

and let me give you some examples-

- Everybody listen, one second.

Tom Steyer hit me with his
car in the parking lot.

He ran over me and I'm injured
and I don't know what to do.

- No.

- He ran over me with his
car and I'm injured.

- Has this ever happened to you?

You might be entitled to a large cash sum.

Call me, the Fixer Lawyer.

Visit www.thefixerlawyer.com

and you won't pay unless
you collect, period.

Ellipses, that sentence is not true.

(people chattering)

- How about a million?

I'm a little worried that Tom Steyer

might come after us legally because

if there's one thing podcasters
are afraid of, lawyers.

I've spent all my money.

I spent all of our family's money.

The only money I have left
is Ivanka's college fund, you know?

- Bingo.

- What?

- Use Ivanka's college fund.

- No, my wife would kill me,
she'd divorce me, literally.

- What would Donald do?

(phone rings)

- Hey sweetheart, it's daddy.

Oh no, no, no, don't put mommy on.

Do you think you could
get on mommy's computer?

Just go to bankofamerica.com

and then there's something
called Ivanka's College Fund.

I'm gonna need you to transfer some

of that money to daddy's
account, just press send.

All right, thank you, sweetheart.

I love you and I miss you and
daddy's gonna be a big star.

I promise you, okay?

I'm betting your future on it.

(dramatic trumpet music)

- "Derek and Dale."

- Welcome to the new and
improved "Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

Look at this brand new swanky studio

we've got here at "The
Derek and Dale Show."

We have brand new microphones.

We have a brand new computer,

brand new lights and a
beautiful, very expensive

brand new camera here at
"The Derek and Dale Show."

Isn't that right, Dale?
- That's right.

We got kind of a new donor,
I guess you could say.

- We are pursuing our dream.

We're checking another
box on our demo tape,

a gotcha interview and who
am I gonna interview today?

- He's gonna interview
former Vice-President

Joe Biden and current scumbag.
(Derek laughs)

- That's right, current scumbag

and what is a gotcha interview, Dale?

- A gotcha interview is
where you ask the tough

questions sometimes in rapid
succession to make sure

that whoever you're talking
to looks pretty stupid.

- All right, I'm gonna start with Ukraine.

Then hit Hunter Biden and knock
him out with a sleepy Joe.

- Derek, I've never seen you
like this, you are ready.

(phone buzzes)
- I'm gonna take this, okay?

- Just take it after.
- Yeah, it's fine.

I'll just do it right now.

Hey, no, no, no, slow down,
slow down, sweetheart.

Yes, I did take the college fund.

Sweetheart, yeah, I did it for
us, I took the money for us.

You're what? You're leaving me?

Honey please, I'm begging you.

I'm fucking begging you,
please don't leave me.

I don't know what I'm gonna
fucking do without you.

Put Ivanka on the phone,
let daddy talk to Ivanka.

Ivanka, Ivanka, are you there?

Ivanka!
(horn honks)

Ivanka, sweetheart?

Shit.

- So when I hear people talking about age,

I'm over 70, I got news for you, folks.

70 is the new 50s, let's get used to it.

(crowd applauds)

- Please welcome Vice-President Joe Biden.

(crowd cheers)

- John Kerry.

John Kerry is the ideal of
statesmanship and public service.

(crowd applauds)

- Mr. Vice-President, welcome to the show.

My wife recently left
me, she's divorcing me.

What can I do to get her back?

What advice could you give
somebody like me to get her back?

- I'll talk to you afterwards, okay?

- Could we just get this out right now?

'Cause we're live.
- No.

- No we’re live.

- No.
- If we could just get,

could you please answer the question?

- I'm beginning to see
why your wife left you.

(crowd laughs)

Come on, man.
- Sit down.

- Your wife left you, your wife left you.

(distorted laughing)

Your wife left you.

(cackling whispers)

- The big story today is I am alone.

- Derek's been a little bit down I guess.

The gotcha interview did not go well.

I keep trying to tell him,
someone's gotta get got

in a gotcha interview and
they don't all go your way.

- My wife left me, as Joe Biden
so eloquently pointed out.

- Derek, a lot of our listeners are here

because they want our take on the news

of the day and for us
to cut through the lies.

- I'm beginning to
see why my wife left me.

That's what he said.

"I'm beginning to see
why your wife left you."

- If you're done feeling
sorry for yourself,

I have something to say, Derek, okay?

What would Donald Trump do?

That's what we always ask ourselves.

What would Donald Trump do?

Would he cry?

Would he sulk on his show?

No, he would make his ex-wife jealous

and he'd go find another one.

- You know what else Donald
Trump would do, Dale?

And this is for the viewers at home too.

Donald Trump would talk to a woman.

- Okay, here it is.

You heard it here first on
"The Derek and Dale Show."

If Derek gets remarried,
I'll talk to a woman.

- Put your money where your mouth is.

Just shake my hand on it.

- You really think you're ready?

- I think so.

- It's the right thing to do.

- Are you ready?

- I don't know.

- When you see an
government that works great,

for those with money and is not working
so great for everyone else,

that is corruption pure and simple

and we need to call it out for what it is.

This is about what we
do with our government.

- I just wanted to ask you one question.

(dramatic violin music)

Will you marry me?

- Yes.

- Woo!

- My friend Dale, where's my friend Dale?

There he is, he's an incel
and he just wanted to say

his first words to a
woman in a long time, so.

- Hi,
hi, Elizabeth.

- Hi, Dale.
- Thank you.

This is a big moment for me.

- Uh huh.

Thank you.

- I'm glad you're here, Dale
and I'm hanging onto the ring.

- Woo!

- Buh bye!

- She's a great woman, who
wouldn't want to marry her?

I don’t understand, who wouldn’t want -

- What? Oh, that's my friend.

(mumbling)

- He has to, he, this is like -

You're only the second
woman he's ever talked to.

It's okay, you shouldn't
do too much too fast.

- No, I'm saying for him,

he shouldn't go too much, too fast.

This was big, this was
really big for you, okay?

I'm proud of you, hey,
hey, I'm proud of you.

- Wow.

- Well, we have some exciting news

here at "The Derek and Dale Show."

I got engaged to Elizabeth Warren,

the Senator from Massachusetts.

Really proud of Dale.

- I spoke to a woman for the
first time in a long time

and it wasn't that bad,
she was really nice.

- Things are going great for us personally

at "The Derek and Dale Show,"
our demo tape is going great.

We are reporting from South Carolina.

Philadelphia right now,
very exciting to be here.

We are traveling the country,
we are building this tape.

Forward momentum is pushing us forward.

We have the winds at our backs right now.

- Yeah, it's almost as if no one

will say no to an interview
with Derek and Dale.

- But we know a lot more about how President Trump -

did you want to let me
finish speaking first?

- No, we were hoping
we could interrupt you.

- So I don't think experience -
- Play the hits.

Come on, play "Hotel California," come on.

Just play one song, we came
all the way here.

- Joe Walsh, class act,
love it, love the Eagles.

For starters, I keep a lot of balls

in the air because most deals fall flat,

no matter how promising they
seem at first, interesting.

- I used to be an extreme Democrat

and now I feel like I'm
an extreme moderate.

(audience laughs)

I don't have the same passion

necessarily I used to have
but I sleep better at night.

(audience applauds)

- Things are going great for
"The Derek and Dale Show."

As long as there are
large public gatherings,

our demo tape is gonna be
finished in no time, right?

- That's right.

- This will be targeted
for workers who are ill,

quarantined or caring for
others due to coronavirus.

- What does this all mean for
"The Derek and Dale Show?"

- I don't know.

I just got a push notification
that Tom Hanks has it.

- Heightened states of
emergency across the nation

as the number of coronavirus
cases soars above 3000.

- Across this vast country,

America's shutdown is now
illustrated in startling ways.

- I see the disinfectant,
it knocks it out in a minute

and is there a way we can
do something like that,

like injection inside
or almost a cleaning?

- With the COVID-19 pandemic still raging,

Joe Biden cancels his plans to accept

the Democratic Presidential
nomination in person.

- This sucks.

Ever since the country got shut down,

we haven't checked a
single box on our checklist

and it doesn't make any sense.

Why is everything shut
down if Donald Trump

said like a miracle, it's gonna disappear?

- Because it's a conspiracy, Derek.

- We need a reopening soon.

- When do we get our country back?

- We have had a complete

and total shutdown of America, right?

- COVID-19, the China
virus, the karate flu,

whatever you want to call it,

it's a hoax perpetrated
against Donald Trump

by top Democrats to shut down the economy.

- I think it was put out there

to undermine "The Derek and Dale Show."

- Reopen "The Derek and Dale Show."

- And reopen America now.

(tense violin music)

- Everyone say "Trump 2020."

- Trump 2020!

- What do we wanna do, do
we wanna reopen America?

Reopen America, everybody
say "Reopen America."

- Reopen America!

- Reopen America now.

- Reopen America now.

- Dr. Fauci's a scam, fuck that guy.

- Fire Fauci!
- Fire Fauci!

- All these libs are saying
you gotta wear a mask.

I'm not wearing a mask.
- I'm not wearing a mask.

I haven't worn a mask,
I never even wore a mask

when I was a kid on Halloween, no mask.

- You know what they're trying to do?

They're trying to enslave
us with these masks, right?

- Yep.

- This is how I look at it.

These masks, they're
basically the Jewish star.

This is Nazi Germany and
Donald Trump is not Hitler.

Even though he's the
President and he's in charge,

he's not the Hitler in this situation.

The thing is it's like you start

with the mask and then what's next?

Concentration camps probably.
- I'm on your camp, man.

I agree with you.

- Burn your masks, burn your masks!

Burn your masks, burn your masks!

Burn your masks!

- Who wants a mask to burn?

- Burn your masks, burn your masks.

- Burn the masks.

-Put the mask in the bucket.

- Yeah, burn the masks!

- You gonna light 'em on fire?
- Light it up.

Let's go, lots of masks.
- Yeah.

- I want you to know that
COVID is a lie, it's a lie!

(Derek coughing)

- So things have been getting

a little rocky here in the van.

Come on, hurry up.

(siren blaring)

Kind of a lazy bones,

a little under the weather I guess.

He's had a lot of stomach
agitation, he's had a fever.

He's had kind of a dry cough

and so we're just kind of trying

to take all the precautions we can.

I'm hoping it's not
the virus but if it is,

we just want to make sure that

we're treating it with
Trump's recommendations.
- God, it burns.

Sometimes the sprays don't get enough.

We don't get enough concentrated.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it. (wheezes)

- Top stories today -
This is just the pure bleach.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Okay.

- We're just hoping we don't
need to go to the hospital.

It could really put a dent

into our "Derek and Dale" demo tape.

(Derek panting)

- I can't taste the Monster.

- Okay.
- I can't taste the Monster.

(low, tense warbling)

What are you doing?

No I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- This is it, this is the only solution.

- I'm fine.
- This is the only solution.

- I'm fine.

- Okay, good luck.

I just left Derek at the hospital.

Feel a little bad about it

but I know it was the right thing.

Now I'm gonna go see my dad.

I've been emailing him and
he finally responded to me.

So he's kind of expecting me,
he's probably pretty excited.

I don't want to let him down.

(electronic warbling, beeping)

- "Derek and Dale."

- Welcome back to "The
Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

I have to say it is good to be back

here at "The Derek and Dale Show."

I was a little touch and
go there for a little bit.

I was in the hospital with
COVID-19, it turns out.

- We were all a little
bit worried about you

and I gotta tell you,
I was missing you a lot

but I used the time to
reconnect with my dad.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, it was incredible.

I finally got the courage to do it

and I showed up at his place
and he was happy to see me.

He said "Dale, take off that damn mask.

Trump says that whole COVID
thing's a Democrat hoax."

You know, chip off the
old block kind of thing

and he said he'd go see
Donald Trump with me soon.

- Oh, that's great.
- Answer this real quick.

- Phone call, live on the
air, a little unprofessional.

- Dale Sr.'s next of kin, yes, that's me.

I'm getting a phone call from my dad.

- Oh, all right.

- So he's just?

(church bell tolls)

Dad, I miss you already.

We're gonna see Donald Trump together

just like we always said we were.

- It's gonna be okay.

Wait, are those his ashes?

- Yeah.

- So we're just standing
on someone's grave?

- Yeah.

- And on that note, I'm gonna put this on

and I think we should do
that from now on, okay?

- Yeah.

(Dale weeps)

- Dale's kind of down in the dumps.

He's upset because he
killed his dad with COVID.

So today, I'm gonna take him to see

kind of an inspirational speaker.

Somebody who really believes
in the power of positivity.

- They want to enslave you to a land

of discarded heroin needles in parks,

riots in streets, human
sex-drug traffickers.

You will not recognize
this country or yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the best is yet to come.

- She's also gonna check a
box on the demo checklist,

rub elbow with some former Fox stars, so.

We're getting to
meet Kimberly Guilfoyle.

- To the Donald Trump campaign

and of course the National Chair

of the Trump Victory Finance
Committee, Kimberly Guilfoyle!

(crowd cheers)

- Is everybody having a
good time so far today?

I think I've been everywhere but like

Alaska and Hawaii so far, all right?

- Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.

My dad died of COVID and
I'm still a Trump supporter.

(crowd cheers)

And the best is yet to come!

Yeah!

- It’s more like this, "The
best is yet to come!"

- Yeah!

All right everybody, we're
doing a little ceremony,

Kimberly, for you as well.

The best is yet to come!

The best is yet to come!

Man, what a great speaker
she was, it was moving.

- You know dad, Kimberly Guilfoyle

helped me see that I just
needed a little positivity.

It really motivated me to ask you,

will you forgive me for
killing you with COVID-19?

(upbeat ensemble music)

Thank you, thank you, dad.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale Jr.

and this is Dale Sr. joining us today.

- So what is the next
thing we need to do, Dale?

- Okay, the next thing and
maybe one of the most important

things Derek and Dale could
do is break our own story.

- America!
- First!

- America!
- First!

- America!
- First!

- Really?

(crowd cheers)

- Is there a story that's
out there right now

that the mainstream
media isn't reporting on?

- If you're gonna kneel
during your football game when

you're feeling oppressed,
don't kneel, respect the flag.

- You know what I hate is when you see

people sometimes and
they'll desecrate the flag.

Have you seen that?

Like they don't respect the flag.

They'll like put markings on the flag,

they'll like put text over a flag.

They'll change the colors of the flag

and I'm like, that's the American flag.

You never, ever do anything

to desecrate the American flag ever.

- Still no Trump 2021 in America

as we see here Operation Flag
Drop that Facebook group.

- Yeah, the text going
right over the flag there

and it looks nice and then
it's splattering, that's cool.

- It is though, yeah and-
- A little help.

- Oh jeez, this guy.

We've talked to a lot of people

but we haven't broken a story yet.

We need to find somebody
who's an expert on a subject

and we need to ask him
some tough questions.

- Q, baby.

- Is there any story you can think of that

is being under-reported
by the mainstream media?

- Of course, Qway’non.

- Qway’non, okay.
- Q.

- Q, okay.

- So you're a fan of Q?
- I'm a fan of Q.

A big diehard fan of Q.

- So you’re saying Qway’non,
I've heard QAnon.

- They say QAnon, I consider it Qway’non

because the A is silent.
- Which A?

- The second A.

- Who is Q?
- Who is Q?

- Yes.
- There's two people.

It could be the President
of the United States,

which is Donald Trump or JFK Jr.

- Either there is somebody named Q

who's working in the White
House, it could be Trump.

- This is what I was telling
you, this is the stuff I write.

- Absolutely and Major Taylor Green.

- Yeah, keep going, we'll be right back.

What?

- These are the stories
that I've been writing.

The stuff I write late at night, you know?

- What do you mean?

- I have a lot of fun with it because

it's basically like Q and
Trump are like two superheroes.

- Wait, what are you saying?

- I'm saying I'm Q.
- You're Q?

- Yeah.
- That's your fan fiction?

- That's my fan fiction, I know

it's so stupid but people
believe it I guess.

- This could be a huge thing for us.

- Oh no, it's just stuff
I write late at night.

- This is our news story right now.

If we break who QAnon
is, that would be huge.

- We'll break the story.
- We'll break the story.

- Derek and Dale will break the story.

- Yes, all right.

So this guy Q, he is a smart guy, right?

- Genius.
- He's a genius?

- I don't know if he's a genius.

Some people say like they
don't know who's written this.

- Q might not be a person.

Q might be the President
of the United States.

- But what if it's not?

What if it's an incel who lives in a van

with an American flag bandana around his?

- Yes.
- Okay.

You know I was thinking maybe

this could be big for the demo tape.

We get somebody who's like running

for office in politics
who believes in QAnon.

The only problem is that you kinda

have to be a fucking moron
to believe in this stuff.

- Q is a patriot, it's
an anonymous person.

According to Q,

many -im-ern- our government are
actively worshiping Satan.

- Satan.

- Kennedy getting killed
in the plane crash.

That's another one of those
Clinton murders, right?

- Clinton murders.

- There's a once in a
lifetime opportunity to take

this global cable of
Satan-worshiping pedophiles out.

- It's pronounced cabal.

- They're doing exactly
what they want to do

and that's why they passed a $1.9 trillion

spending bill that only
9%, less than 9% actually-

- Where we go one, we go all.
- No, no, no.

- Thank you, Q
Congresswoman, thank you.

- Get out, get out.

- Stop pushing me,
there's a misunderstanding, okay?

She believes in me like a
kid believes in Santa Claus.

I love Marjorie Taylor
Greene, she believes in me.

- Isn’t that sad?

(big crash)

(crowd gasps)

- Ow!

- Get outta here.

- I just don't know what
everyone was so mad about.

Marjorie Taylor Greene actually
believes in my fan fiction.

So what's the problem?

- You just look like a guy and QAnon

is supposed to be this
kind of magical being

that's like a fairytale
almost, a superhero.

Do you picture QAnon
looking a specific way

when you're writing your fan fiction?

- Yeah.

(dramatic violin music)

- This is exactly what you
pictured in your stories?

- This is exactly what
Q looks like exactly.

- All right, let's spread the word.

Ready, guys?

Q, you do a Q and then you put

your head down until
it goes over like a Q.

- Seeing these adults,

the look on their faces when they saw Q.

- It's Dale from "The
Derek and Dale Show."

- Stop it.
- Right?

- I see it now, okay, okay.
- Exactly.

- And the storm is upon us.

- It just warms our heart, it's darling.

You love Q, right?
- Oh yeah.

Me and my boyfriend follow him hard.

- It was almost like
dealing with children.

Hey, where we go one.
- We go all.

- There we go.
- Yeah.

- Who is Q?

- Where we go one, we go all.

- Where we go one, we go all.
- God bless America.

- Donald Trump created a
miracle for this nation

and that miracle is this
room tonight is awake.

- Excuse me, I'm Q, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, I'm Q.
- Taken for granted.

- If you have any
questions about the storm

or the cabal any of my other
stories, just let me know.

- Where many can live.
- Hey guys.

Oh hey, not cool, hey, I'm
supposed to wear a mask.

Gimme that.

General Flynn, don't let them
kick me out, that's an order.

I'm allowed to wear this, it's my mask.

(crowd boos)
- Hey, no, no, no.

Hey, that's my mask, hey.

- Does he got any questions?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- We have a very special
guest for the show today.

QAnon is joining us in the studio.

Q, thanks for joining us.

- Anything for "The Derek and Dale Show."

- We understand that you will reveal

who you really are on
"The Derek and Dale Show"

but only if "The Derek and
Dale Show" is on Fox News.

Is that correct?
- That's right.

I am willing to do the unthinkable

if Derek and Dale get a show at Fox News

and then Derek can refill his daughter's

college fund and then Dale
can get a van twice the size.

- That's awesome, it's
gonna be a huge story.

(relaxed guitar music)

- So I do the two bunnies, right?

- Yeah.

- Vote no for Joe and the ho.
- Oh, cool.

You got children's sizes?

- Yeah, I got super extra small.

- Oh yeah, let me see,
it's for my five-year-old.

What does the back say? Can I see it?

Because my daughter is gonna wear it.

- "Trump those bitches."
- Okay, that's fine.

That's great.

Hey, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, I can't say that anymore.

Are you calling to congratulate
me on my engagement?

Trying to get a job right now?

That's what I'm doing actually.

If I don't have a job by
the custody hearing on

November 4th, you're gonna take
Ivanka away from me forever?

Put Ivanka on the phone,
put Ivanka on the phone!

My ex-wife, she just said
if I don't have a job,

she's gonna take my daughter
Ivanka away from me.

I don't know, maybe it's fate

because the hearing is the
day after the election.

So we can get the job on election day

and then I'll get my daughter
the day after, you know?

- Thank you, thank you for the pep talk.

I really appreciate it.

- 10 days and counting,
election day is drawing near.

- This is going to be a
fraud like you've never seen.

- Show up and vote.

- We are getting close
to the end game here.

- Absolutely, after we
broke that big story with Q,

the world started to take notice

but we realized we had one more thing.

- Yes.

- We want acknowledgement
from Donald Trump

before we head back to Fox News
and Derek had a great idea.

- We are here in Washington D.C.

for a very important
part of our demo tape.

Today, we are going to interview

the one and only Donald Trump.

Does Trump ever come out
for interviews or anything?

- Why, what happened?

- He never comes out of the
front door of the White House?

That seems crazy.

All right, so we can't interview him.

We gotta think of a new
way to get his attention.

What's going on over here?

(drums beating)

(people chanting)

- What do you think of everything?

- I don’t know.

- It feels like they're talking

a lot about like white privilege.

I don't know, have you
ever experienced that?

- I don't think we have, right?

- No, not us.
- Yeah.

- It's not about us.

Like the stuff we do, like
interrupting politicians,

like anyone could do that.

- There wouldn’t be different consequences.
- It's got nothing to do with privilege.

- Hey guys, you gotta move
these, they're blocking traffic.

You gotta move all the cars.

You gotta get 'em out of here,
they're blocking traffic.

Nobody can get through.

Guys, wrap it up.

You gotta move 'em.

- Are you okay? You
seem a little agitated.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

Hey, if we're ever separated
for whatever reason,

our paths go a different direction,

let's meet right back here
at the Washington Monument.

- Okay, sure Derek. Promise?
- Promise.

- Yeah.

Now we just gotta figure out a way

to get Donald Trump's attention.

- We've gotta do something
big, something monumental.

- Dale that's it, monuments.

- The unhinged left-wing mob

is trying to vandalize our history,

desecrate our monuments,
our beautiful monuments.

- Donald Trump keeps talking
about Confederate monuments.

He says these protesters want
to tear down these beautiful

monuments and that kind
of got the wheels turning.

- Yeah, we thought if Donald Trump

loves these Confederate monuments so much,

we should dedicate them to him.

- I want to apologize for
being agitated lately.

Ever since I talked to a
woman for the first time,

I started to have a lot of romantic urges.

I just want to explode.
- Like sexually?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I've been there before but
anyways, back to these statues.

I think Donald Trump's right.

These things are beautiful, you know?

They're gorgeous statues,
they're just built nice.

The curves on them are amazing.

Imagine being on top of one
of those statutes, you know?

This is a statue of Robert E.
Lee here in Charlottesville,

the most famous Confederate
statue and today,

we're gonna turn it into a
big statue for Donald Trump.

Hopefully this gets his attention.

- Derek, I'm gonna hang back for a second.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you at the van.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- All right, sure.

(smooth jazz music)

- Our monuments, our beautiful monuments.

Beautiful monuments.

- I got the podcast all
set up if you're ready to.

(Dale moaning)

- Oh no, oh, oh, oh.

Derek.
- Yeah?

- You were right, that's incredible.

- That wasn't really
what I was talking about.

I wasn't talking about fucking em’.

We will admit when we fail at something.

We failed at getting Donald
Trump's attention with these

Confederate statue re-namings
but on the positive side,

you lost your virginity, right?

- Yep, I did fuck a fair
number of those statues.

- Right, "Derek and Dale Show"

says fuck Confederate statues.

But we've gotta stay focused here.

We only have five days to
complete this demo tape.

Kind of a crazy idea
but I just read online

that Donald Trump, his motorcade

is gonna literally
drive past our hometown.

I'm thinking if we can get
on camera with Donald Trump,

that could put us over
the edge with Fox News.

- And just a little selfish thing,

I'm gonna get to see
Donald Trump with my dad.

- It's a human interest story.

It's the final thing for our demo tape.

It checks all the boxes
and it has to work.

- Thanks for being here with me.

- Of course, I'm glad you guys

could come and do this together.

- It's something I kind of

always wanted to do with him, you know?

- Yeah.

("The Star-Spangled Banner" trumpet music)

- Aww.

- All I know so far is that he’s en route.

- All right.

- Hey, can I hold it? It's my dad.

I'd rather you put it
on the hood of my car.

You can have it afterwards.

That way, nobody has to worry about it

so it doesn't become a big deal.

- But the whole thing
is he wants to show him.

- He wants to show a bag of
white powder to the President?

- This is my dad.

Still a pretty good view for dad, right?

(sirens blaring)

- Past the Biden house,
here he comes, everybody.

(crowd cheers)

- I see it, that’s the limo.

- Yeah that’s it.
- Here he comes.

- Donald, my dad wanted to be here.

He died of COVID.

He loved you so much.

That was incredible.

Dad, I'm so glad you could be here.

Oh my gosh.

Did you see my dad got to see that?

There it,

there it is.

See it, you see?

(Dale laughs)

- That's us.

- In a tweet from Donald
Trump, can you believe that?

- There's me, there's Dale.

Derek and Dale were
tweeted by Donald Trump.

- Can you imagine walking
into Fox News and not

having them roll out the red
carpet and give us a job?

(dramatic trumpet tones)

- I've been staying up late
working on the demo tape

almost every night and
it's going pretty great.

(electronic music)

- Welcome to "The Derek
and Dale" demo tape.

- I'm Derek.
- I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

- Featuring investigative reports.

- You committed voter
fraud, what'd you do?

- I voted twice for Trump.

- Talking to women.
- Hi, Elizabeth.

- Hi, Dale.
- Thank you.

- Gotcha interviews.

- Here's the thing, you keep predicting

all these things are gonna
happen, it never happens.

- I gotcha.

- Are you serious, you're
just walking out of here?

I don't think you are who you say you are.

- I'm Q.

- This is looking really good.

We basically have jobs already,
they just have to see it.

- Burn the DVD, let's do it.

Pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.

Fox News, here we come.

- Hey sweetheart, it's Derek.

I know we've got this
custody hearing coming up.

I'd just really love to have you there.

So give me a call back when

you get this, Elizabeth
Warren, I love you.

Dale, hey come on, we gotta
get back to New York City.

We don't have time for this.

- Good morning, election day 2020.

America heads to the polls.

- All right, we're here in New York City

on election day, dropping
off the demo tape.

- Dale, what is it?

Ivanka, this has been a crazy journey

but I've been doing it all for you.

We deserve this, we really do.

With a lot of hard work,
the demo tape is done.

- That's right, we have our secret weapon.

We're going back to Fox
News and we did everything

we could have wanted, so
nothing can stop us now.

- You know what, you see that church?

I'm gonna use the bathroom.
- Oh, okay?

Do you have to go right now?

- Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- I'm just gonna pee, okay?

- All right.

(anxious intermittent violin music)

This is kind of weird, right?

He's been in there for like 10 minutes

but he'll be out soon, he
wouldn't miss this for the world.

He's been in there like an hour.

Could you give this to Suzanne Scott?

- I can't give that to her.

- I know but it's "The
Derek and Dale" demo tape.

- I can't give it to her,
nobody can give it to her.

- Can you give it to her?

- Read my lips, no one
can give that to her.

So take it and throw it in the garbage.

- But Derek's gonna be so pissed.

- Well then Derek is fucking
pissed then, I don't know.

- Ugh.

- Former Vice-President Joe
Biden will win Pennsylvania and

Nevada to become the 46th
President of the United States.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

- Well, it's been a crazy few days.

All the news networks
said that Joe Biden won

the election but Donald
Trump is refusing to concede.

- Frankly, we did win this election.

- And I just don't know
what to think about it

but Derek's so good in these situations,

I just haven't seen him in a few days

since he went to use the bathroom.

- I've just become a member

of the Church of Scientology
here in New York City

and it is really an
exciting time in my life.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- I did miss the custody
hearing but that's okay.

The Church said they have all the tools

I need to become really, really famous.

They said they might even put me

on a billboard in Times Square.

- Well Dale, there's been
a lot of stuff in the news.

- Yes.
- All right, let's go.

- Get this guy a stress test.

- Stress test?
- Yeah.

- All right.

- Dale and I were trying
to become successful

by reading "Art of the Deal"
and listening to Donald Trump

when really we should have just been

reading "Dianetics" and
listening to L. Ron Hubbard.

- No, why?

Why?

(hard rock music)

Oh, everyone's saying
online that it's a cult.

They're just listening to one guy

like he knows everything, that's crazy.

Wait, do you think
Derek is stuck in there?

Oh gosh, okay.

Derek, I'm coming for you.

Don't let them brainwash
you, I'm on my way.

Hi, have you guys seen Derek?

Derek, you gotta get out of here.

You have to get outta here.
- Come take a stress test.

- No, I don't want to take a stress test.

I don't want to take a stress test.

This place is a cult, everyone's
listening to one person.

Nobody's free thinking for themselves.

Derek, you have to leave.

- Okay, you're being a
suppressive person right now.

- No please, Derek.

Come on, do the podcast.

- I'm done with the podcast.
- Please do the podcast.

- I'm done with the podcast.
- Derek, please.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

Come on, let's get right
to it, Derek please.

- I'm really sorry about
him, let's get him out.

- I need you to leave, this is a cult.

- Will you help me get him out?

- Derek, please.
- It's not a cult.

- Derek, please.
- It's not a cult.

- We had a good thing going.
- It's not a cult.

- Do you even remember
"The Art of the Deal?"

- Get out of here.
- Do you even remember?

- I'm so sorry.
- This is a cult.

- What is your problem?

- You need to come back to the van.

- Don't ruin my life for me.

- This isn't you.
- Yes it is.

This is me.
- No, it's not.

- All you do is listen to
what Donald Trump says.

Okay, you know what?

All you do is what L. Ron Hubbard says.

- L. Ron Hubbard is the smartest
person who's ever lived.

- No he is not, okay?
- I'm not putting that on.

- Wear the hat.
- I'm not wearing the hat.

- Put it on.

- It doesn't matter what I
wear, I'm still a Scientologist.

- I don't have to wear this
stuff to be a Trump supporter.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

- I'm a Scientologist.
- Derek, you're in a cult.

- You're in a cult.
- You're in a cult.

- You're in a cult.
- You're in a cult.

- You're in a cult.
- You're in a cult.

- You're in a cult.
- You're in a cult.

I'm not stressed, you need
to come back to the van.

- I'm so sorry about this,
guys, this guy's insane.

- Derek, stop and come back to the van.

- I'm going back to the Church.

- You've gotta come back to the van.

- I'm going back.

- Scientology is a cult.

- You know what?

I'm proud.

I'm proud of my beliefs.

(steady tempo guitar strumming)

- Welcome to "The Dale
and Dale Show," I'm Dale.

(Dale laughs)

- Tonight, President Trump
refusing to admit defeat.

- You're gonna find fraud

of hundreds of thousands
of votes per state.

- When you say there's no evidence.

- I've actually been
doing a little research.

The votes that were in Georgia

were actually placed in China.

Why are the ballots made of bamboo fibers?

- So I'm on a billboard in Times Square.

All my dreams came true, I'm happy.

I'm not really good at the internet,

which is good because
they keep telling me,

"Don't look at the internet."

- The only person that's looking out

for you is yourself and Donald Trump.

The Dominion Voting software
was developed in Venezuela.

- At the direction of Hugo Chavez.

- I need to sign more people up

or I'm gonna go back in the hole.

- I don't want to be sad anymore because

you made me sad for so long
but now I can just be mad.

- What we're doing at Scientology,

we are making the world great again.

(laughs)

- That's it for "The Dale and Dale Show."

(relaxed guitar music)

I'm here at the Donald Trump rally

and I just think it's gonna be incredible.

He's gonna be right
here in a little while.

CNN does suck.

This is gonna be perfect for
"The Dale and Dale Show."

(crowd cheers)

- Would you like to take a stress test?

- No, sorry.
- Are you sure?

You just hold on.

You want a stress test?

You want some L. Ron Hubbard

in your veins, inject some of that?

Hey, do you know how to tie shoes?

Dale's my best friend in the whole world.

I love Dale, I love Dale.

- You're in a cult.

- There's a Galactic Warlord named Xenu

that put all of our, these souls into volcanoes

and $150,000 to get there, this is crazy.

Have you read any of this stuff?

Dale was right, this is a cult.

This whole thing, it's a cult.

It's a cult.

This whole thing's a cult, Dale was right.

Oh my god, Dale was right, Dale was right.

Oh my god, I'm in a fucking cult.

Ah, fuck.

(tense up tempo drumbeat)

Dale was right, Scientology is a cult.

I gotta find Dale, I
gotta find Dale, Dale!

- Yeah, Donald!

(crowd cheers)

Donald Trump is here and
this is gonna be awesome.

- Yeah!

Woo!

- Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the 45th President

of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

- This is gonna be the best episode
ever of "The Dale and Dale Show."

USA.

Donald Trump.

(crowd cheers)

- Thank you very much for being here.

We did a great thing.

As we stand together in the rain,

it's supposed to bring
luck, we'll take it, huh?

Thank you very much and I love you too.

- Thank you, we love you!

- Or I wouldn't have done this.

I wouldn't have done it
but we're doing well.

Together, we will save our country

and that's what we're doing.

I see people with Trump stuff on

that never cared about a
politician in their life.

Now they got the hat and
the sash and the belt

and the shoes, the shoes,
the shoes, the shoes.

- Yeah, I can't tie my shoes
at all, at all, at all.

You're in a cult!

- We will stop the radical
indoctrination of our students

and restore patriotic
education to our schools.

We will teach our children
to love our country, honor

our history and always respect
our great American flag.

For years you had a President who apologized

for America, they couldn't do
anything, it was all a mess.

- You're a cult leader.

Derek was right, admit
it, Derek was right.

You're a cult leader!
(crowd boos)

You're a cult leader!

Admit it, Derek was
right, Derek was right.

Derek was right, Derek was right.

We can all just leave,
we can all just leave.

We can all just leave, let's go.

He can't hurt us anymore,
he can't hurt us.

- That guy, he's going
home to his parents now.

He’s gonna be in big trouble.

(crowd cheers)

- It's a cult, it's a cult.

- You were on him,

this guy hadn't gotten the first word out.

That's the kind of guy I want
working for me right there.

- It's a cult.

I gotta find Derek, I gotta find Derek.

(anxious light piano music)

We're just listening to this
guy, he tells us what to do.

(phone rings)

- Come on Dale, pick up your phone.

How did I not see this? It's a cult.

(phone vibrating)

- This is Dale, you can
find me wherever Trump is.

- President Trump says he
will be at The Ellipse Park

here in D.C. at 11:00
a.m. tomorrow, January 6th

to continue claiming
the election was stolen.

The crowd size based on permits

- This is Dale, you can
find me wherever Trump is.

- Dale, it's Derek, let's get right to it.

Listen, you were right.

I was in a cult but you're in a cult too.

I know you're going to D.C.

and I'm coming to meet you there, okay?

My phone is about to die, Dale
but I will meet you in D.C.

Don't do anything stupid, okay?

Ah, bit my tongue.

- Washington, okay.

- Welcome to Derek's voicemail,
please leave a message.

- Come on, Derek.

Okay, I guess I'm meeting you in D.C.

(anxious electronic music)

- It's Wednesday, January 6th.

Thousands of President Trump's

supporters have gathered
in Washington to protest.

Some Republicans say they will vote-

(electronic beeping)

- We're sorry, all circuits are busy now.

- Derek, where are you?

- I see lots of incels but no Dale.

- Is your phone working?
- Nope.

- Hey, have you seen my best friend?

- There's so many people
down that way and that way.

- Do we love Donald Trump?

(crowd cheers)

The people

who did nothing to stop the steal,

this gathering should
send a message to them.

- He's like an incel, he's
got like a weird mustache.

- Hey, have you seen, he's like tall?

- Bro, who are you?

- Derek, where are you?

- Let's have trial by combat.

- He's a little taller than me, no?

- Right here, we're gonna
walk down to the Capitol

and we're probably not gonna be

cheering so much for some of them.

- I'm at the US Capitol
and people have just

broken through the police
and rushed the Capitol.

I really hope Derek didn't get mixed up

in any of this trying to find me.

Oh man, I gotta go find him.

- You better run, cops!

- USA, USA, USA.
- Derek, where are you?

- USA, USA, USA.

Stop the steal, stop the
steal, stop the steal.

- People are saying the Trump supporters

have been in the Capitol
for about a half hour now.

I still haven't seen Dale, I
just hope he's not in there.

(light anxious electronic music)

- Police have finally taken back

this section of the Capitol.

If you can take a look
just right behind me,

you can see them clearing out

the final demonstrators and protestors.

- Both the House and the Senate will try

to reconvene at 8:00
p.m. Eastern to continue

the certification of the
Electoral College vote.

- Where are you, Dale?

(sirens blaring)
(somber violin music)

(dramatic trumpet music)
Of course.

I'm coming for you, Dale.

I'm coming for you.

Dale.

- Derek.

- Dale.

- Derek.

- Dale.

(fireworks booming)

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you too.

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

I'm Derek.
- And I'm Dale.

- Let's get right to it.

(dramatic trumpet music)

I love you.
- I love you too, Derek.

Put the mask in the bucket.

Sexy statue, gonna fuck it.

Current scumbag Joe Biden

Joe Biden his time.

Derek and Dale, one more time

(steady tempo hip hop music)

- What's up, guys? (laughs)

- Yeah, a lot's changed since
the last time you guys saw us.

- Yeah, we're done with Trump.

- Done with Scientology.

- No more cults for us.

- Right now, we're just focusing all

of our energy on improv
comedy here in New York City.

- That's right.

- Put your hands together
for Derek and Dale.

(laughing)
(scattered clapping)

- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."

- I'm Dale.
- I'm Derek.

Let's get right to it.
- Let's get right to it.

- Dale has been talking
to some girls in class.

- Yeah.

- Literally just talking
and doing scenes with them.

Saying "Yes, and" to-

- To my whole life really.

I've never had such a smart dog before.

Say people words.

- People words.

(Derek panting)

- So when you start improv classes,

you have to buy book called "Dianetics,"

"Comedy Improvisation Manual."

A giant octopus man, boosh.

Pew.

- And we're here to fight the war.

- My dearest Maria.

- In personal news, I'm allowed
to see my daughter again.

My wife has given me a couple
hours visitation every month.

- One tiny hole in the umbrella.

And my dad comes to
almost all of our shows.

So at the end of the day, I guess I do

kind of have a little bit
of a relationship with him.

- We're done with Trump.

I mean, we'll make fun of
Donald Trump with our comedy.

- We'll burn him pretty good.

- That's our show everybody,
thank you guys so much.

(scattered clapping)

That was awesome, great job.

That was so funny.
- That was really good.

- The part where you were-

- You got Elizabeth Warren's
vote, it's gonna be a winner.

(crowd laughs)

No, no, no, no.

(scattered boos)

- Hey, that's my friend's fiance.

- I'm sorry.

(crowd laughs)

Where is he?

You know what, I was gonna go somewhere.

There’s just way too many cameras.

There was definitely an Indian
joke in there somewhere.

- Don't worry, your dad loves you, Junior.

- Let me ask you a question.

When you're on the air,

do you have a couple
drinks before you go on?

- Never.

- Because I watched you one time

and you were slurring
your words a little bit.

- I was never slurring my words.

- When you were on your
show on "Judge Jeanine,"

you were slurring your words a little bit.

- But that's what we liked about it.

- Because it's funny.

- This is what's fun about the show.

- He's saying that I
was slurring my words.

- Well, just you've had a couple-

- You just had a couple drinks.

- Not at all, what's your name?

- Hello and welcome.

I'm here on January 6th
and the biggest gathering

of losers in Washington
D.C. in a long, long time.

Here's one now.

- I'm gonna have you take one of me.

- Yes sir, what would
you say to Donald Trump

if you were talking to him right now?

- I'd say you're the greatest President

of our lifetime and I'm 65 and I've seen

a lot going on that is
so false and fraudulent,

it sickens me

and I will die standing

in my boots as a patriot for this country.

If this goes wrong,

it's not gonna be good.

- There you have it.