All language subtitles for Carry On Screaming (1966)

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YTS.MX

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♪ Carry on screaming

Aaaargh!

♪ Carry on screaming

Aaaargh!

♪ Cos when you're screaming

♪ I know that you're dreaming of me

♪ The clock's striking midnight

♪ The moon's riding high

♪ A bat flutters by

♪ Everybody's getting goose pimples

♪ Cold, icy fingers
that run up your spine

♪ Mm-hm, whoa-whoa-whoa

♪ Come closer,
come closer

♪ Those fingers that you're feeling
are mine

♪ So, carry on screaming

Aaaargh!

- ♪ Carry on screaming
- Aaaargh!

♪ Cos when you're screaming
I know that you're dreaming of me

♪ Each single heartbeat's
a sickening thud

♪ Curdles the blood

♪ Oh, baby, ain't it romantic?

♪ I've locked the door
and I've swallowed the key

♪ Mm-hm, whoa-whoa-whoa

♪ Come closer, come closer

♪ Cos you bring out
the monster in me

- ♪ So, carry on screaming
- Aaaargh!

- ♪ Carry on screaming
- Aaaargh!

♪ Cos when you're screaming

♪ I know that you're dreaming of me ♪

Aaaaargh! Aaargh!

- What's the matter? What did I do?
- Well, what was that funny noise?

W-W-What funny noise?

I don't know. Sort of...

(Breathes heavily)

I can't help being a bit passionate,
can I?

Oh, Albert, I didn't mean
what you were doing.

- What are you shivering for?
- I don't know!

A funny feeling, it come over me
all of a sudden,

like... icy fingers down my spine.

Lumme, Doris, I did keep my gloves on.
I can't do more than that, can I?

Oh, I didn't mean your icy fingers,
Albert.

Well, whose, then?

I don't know, but...

I've got a feeling
someone's watching us.

Good luck to him!

I've been courting you a year and there's
been nothing worth watching so far.

- Albert!
- Well, I'm sorry, Doris, but...

after all, I'm...
I'm only flesh and blood.

And if something doesn't happen soon,
well...

something's going to happen -
that's all.

Aren't you funny?
I never thought of you being like that -

you know...
flesh and blood, and that.

Well, it's time you started
thinking about... that.

- Oh, Albert...
- Oh, Doris!

- Aaaaargh!
- What now?

There is something
in those bushes.

For Pete's sake, we're never going
to get anywhere if you go on like this!

Albert, there... there must be
somebody in those bushes,

because I saw them move.

All right. Anyone there?

No. There you are, see?
Nobody. Come on!

Oh, you don't expect them to say so,
do you?

Couldn't you...?
Couldn't you go and look?

Oh, all right!

Who's there?

Come on. Who's there?

It's not a peepshow, you know.

Come on. Buzz off,
or there'll be trouble.

Come on out,
you Peeping Tom!

For the last time, I'm warning you.
Come on.

Get out. Go home!

(Cries out weakly)

Nah, there's nobody here.

She's just trying to put me off,
that's all.

What did I tell you?
There's nobody...

Doris?

Doris!

Come on, Doris,
stop messing about.

Where are you?

Doris?

Well, answer me.

(Whimpers)

Well, if that's all you have to say,
Mr Potter, I'll telephone my superior.

(Telephone rings)

W-W-What's the matter?

That noise! What's that noise?

Noise... what's...?

It's only the telephone bell!
Aren't you ever going to get used to it?

I'll never get used to it.

The invention of the devil -
that's what it is!

People talking through wires,
waking respectable people at all hours.

It's like someone walking in
when you're in the bath.

It's an invasion of privacy.
That's what it is!

You in a bath -
that'd stop any invasion, that would.

Well, I'm not having it in my house
a moment longer - do you hear?

And if it doesn't go, I will.
I can promise you that.

Promises, promises.
Always promises.

Slobotham here, Sergeant.
Sorry if I'm disturbing you and Mrs Bung.

That's all right, Slobotham.
We weren't doing anything.

I thought you ought to know, Sergeant:
it's happened again.

- What's happened again?
- Another disappearance, Sergeant.

Did you get a description?

Naturally. (Chuckles)

It's a Miss Doris Mann.

Aged about 20, medium height,
average-colour hair,

ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.

Well, it should be a piece of cake
finding her, shouldn't it?

Where did it happen?

Hocombe Woods. Again.

Again!

That's the sixth woman
who's disappeared

on the same spot
inside of a year!

Exactly, Sergeant.

Do you think there could possibly
be some connection?

It's possible, Slobotham.

But we mustn't jump to any conclusions.

(Laughs) No, no, of course not,
Sergeant.

- Who reported it?
- He's here now.

Calls himself Albert Potter.

Medium height, brown hair,
beady eyes...

Never mind a description!
You just keep him there till I get there.

- Move over.
- What did you say?

Move over to my side of the bed.

Certainly not. You're not getting round me
like that, Sidney Bung.

Oh, please, Em. Just this once.
I've only got a few minutes. Up!

I'll say this for you -
you make a very good trouser press.

You're not going out?

No, I'm putting these on
to take a bath.

And where are you going
at this time of night?

- To find another woman.
- Don't lie to me!

You're going to that wretched
police station of yours - I know!

- Well, you've caught me out.
- Huh!

You haven't any time for me,
let alone any other woman.

- I wouldn't bet on that.
- Police! That's all you ever think about.

Never mind about me.
Oh, dear, no.

Do you realise
you haven't taken me out for years?

Oh, don't exaggerate.
We went out a couple of months ago.

We had a lovely time.

You call that lovely?

To my poor, dear mother's funeral?

- Well, I enjoyed it.
- Oh, yes, you would.

I should have listened to her.

"Never marry a policeman,"
she said.

"You can't trust 'em," she said.
"Unreliable," she said.

(Both) "He'll lead you a dog's life,"
she said.

- She was right.
- I should have listened to her.

So should I.
Where's my other boot?

(Clang)

That's right, off you go!
Never mind about saying goodbye, even.

Goodbye, even.

That's it,
knock my poor mother down.

(Clang)

Now look what you've made me do!

- Oh, excuse me, Sergeant.
- In my chair again, eh, Slobotham?

Just warming it up for you, sarge.

- Right. Is this him?
- Yes.

A Mr Potter, window cleaner.
33 Hogsmere Road.

"Friend" of the young lady
that disappeared.

Right. Get out your notebook,
Slobotham.

I want every word of this taken down.

As I understand it, you took
this girl up to Hocombe Woods, right?

- That's right, yes.
- For what purpose, Mr Potter?

- Eh?
- What did you take her out there for?

Well... I dunno.
We just sort of felt like it.

- "Felt... like... it."
- Felt like what?

- I wouldn't like to say, Sergeant.
- I'm asking him!

Well, Mr Potter?

Well, we... we just felt like getting
a bit of fresh air... and that.

I see.

- Getting a bit of what?
- Fresh air and that.

- What's that?
- Same as the other.

- Oh, I see.
- Well, Mr Potter,

you took her into the woods.

How far did you go?

Oh, not very far,
cos I've only known her a year.

Don't put that down!

No, what I meant was, erm...
how far did you get... into the woods?

Oh! Oh, not very far.
Just to this little clearing I know.

Do you happen to know
what Doris was wearing?

Yes. Erm... a sort of erm...
white, frilly blouse,

with a... a dark-green jacket,
and a long green skirt.

- Did you get that down?
- No. As I said, I've only known her a year.

I'm talking to my assistant!

Don't worry, Sergeant. Got it down.

Good.

So, that's all you can tell us,
Mr Potter?

There is one thing.

I found this where she'd been sitting.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
What have we here, then?

- I'd say it was a finger, Sergeant.
- I know it's a finger!

Is it... one of... hers, Mr Potter?

No! What sort of girl do you think
I'd go out with?

Right. Take that down to the lab.
I want a full report first thing.

Yes, Sergeant.

On your way out,
stop off at the desk and enquire:

has anybody reported
the loss of a finger this evening?

Yes, of course, Sergeant.

Why didn't I think of that?

Now, Mr Potter.

I want you to show me exactly where
you and the young Lady were.

- Through here.
- Slobotham? Slo...?

- Sergeant?
- You stay here.

- All by myself, Sergeant?
- Yes, Slobotham, all by yourself.

If I shall require any assistance,
I shall give three sharp blasts. Got it?

Yes, Sergeant. Blast, blast, blast, sir.
I beg your pardon.

On my whistle.
(Whistles three times)

Immediately on hearing that,
you will surround the entire area.

But I can't surround the entire area
by myself, Sergeant.

Excuses, excuses.
Always excuses!

(Rustling)

Why don't you young fellas get married?
It's much easier.

That's where we were.

A-ha!

Is that you, Sergeant?

How do you do?

- (Sniffs) Do you notice it?
- What?

It smells as if something's been
dead too long.

Well, don't look at me.

Peculiar. Very peculiar.
Was it here before?

- I didn't notice it.
- Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes!

What could it be?

I don't know.
Let's get back to the station.

(Honks horn)

(Bung) Slobotham! Where are you?

Slobotham, where are you?

Look!

Aaaaargh!

What's the matter with you?
It's me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I thought it was that horrible thing again!

What horrible thing?

I don't know.
It was something unspeakable.

- Unspeakable?
- Yes. Never said a word.

It came out of the woods, straight at me.
Great big, glaring eyes.

Long, pointed teeth. Ten feet tall!

Did you notice anything unusual
about it?

Yes. There was a horrible smell.
Like dead fish, it was.

Dead fish?

- Have a look round, Potter.
- Right. Erm... no.

You go and look around.
You're the great detective.

I intend to.

First thing in the morning.

I've got more important things
to do at the station.

- Why are we stopping here, sarge?
- There's a house.

He's right, you know - it is a house!

Marvellous. But we're not looking for
a house, we're looking for Doris.

I know,
but it's the middle of the woods.

They might have heard or seen
something suspicious.

We can't leave any stone unturned.

What's the name of this road,
Slobotham?

- Avery Avenue.
- Then we must explore... Avery Avenue.

- There's a notice here.
- What's it say?

Just a minute.

Bide-a-Wee Rest Home.

Come on, let's go inside.

"Please knock."

(Slow footsteps)

(Creaking)

Yes?

Good evening.

Could I see the master of the house?

The master of the house is dead, sir.

He's been dead 15 years now.

But if you'll come in,
I'll ask him if he can see you.

Yes.

If it's not too much trouble.

This way, sir.

If you'll wait in here,

I'll go and talk to the master.

Erm... I thought you said
he was dead?

So he is.

That should be a conversation
worth hearing.

(Chuckles)

How about this?

Must be the mistress of the house.

I say, Sergeant...

Notice anything unusual
about that woman?

- No... what?
- The eyes.

They seem to be alive.

(Knock at door)

Come.

I'm sorry to disturb you, miss,

but some gentlemen are here.

Yes, I was looking at them, Sockett.
What do they want?

They wish to see the master, miss.

My brother is dead, Sockett.
Don't you understand? He's dead.

Oh, yes, miss.

I did tell them that.

Then why are they still here?

Well, I'm afraid I forgot myself

and told them he might see them.

- Did I do wrong, miss?
- Oh, Sockett!

I'm terribly sorry, miss.

You won't...

You won't send me back... there?

I should do, Sockett.

If only you weren't so necessary
to me.

Enough! Let me go.

Go now.
I have to get my brother up.

(Creaking)

(Bubbling)

(Crackling and humming)

What time is it?

Just past December.

I told you not to call me
till the beginning of March!

I know, Orlando,
but this is an emergency.

There are some men to see you.

I can't see anyone in my state.
I'm nowhere near regenerated yet!

You will just have to, my darling.
I think they're police officers.

Police officers?
What do they want with us?

We've done nothing wrong...
have we?

Oh, I don't know.
I sent Oddbod out this evening.

Oh, dear!
Hasn't he come back yet?

- Yes, he's come back.
- Oh.

Well, he's come back,
but one of his fingers is missing.

Oh, I hope he didn't leave it
anywhere embarrassing.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I sent him back after it,
but he was disturbed.

So would you be,
with a finger missing.

That's the trouble
with my regenerative process -

it makes everything so brittle.

You never know what's going
to drop off next.

Be serious for a moment.

If they found that finger,
it could be very awkward.

Yes, I'd better go and see them,
I suppose.

Don't go without your portable booster.
You've only had 1 ,000 amps.

They would have to come tonight,
just when I'm feeling half-dead.

Wha-a-ahhh!

What is it? What happened?

- Oh, lumme!
- It's only a mummy.

What, a mummy?
With a beard?

Well, they didn't only do it to women.
Their men got pickled, too.

Ah, gentlemen.

I see you're admiring my Pharaoh.

He was the founder
of the fourth dynasty, you know.

King Rubbatiti.

How very interesting, sir.

Yes. I've often thought how fascinating
it would be to make him live again.

I bet he could tell us a thing or two,
eh?

All those barge orgies on the Nile.

No wonder they kept finding things
in the bulrushes!

Would you be the master
of the house?

That's right, yes.

I only ask because your butler
informed us you were dead.

You don't want to take
any notice of him.

A young Lady has disappeared,

and we're anxious to trace
her whereabouts.

- Oh? Whereabouts?
- Hereabouts.

- At ten o'clock.
- Or thereabouts.

- In this vicinity.
- Or roundabouts.

- We're police officers.
- Or layabouts.

That, sir, as you may have surmised,
is a member of the general public

who's been giving us some right
cooperation.

I just wondered, sir,

if you had happened to see or hear
anything suspicious this evening.

Oh, no. I haven't heard
or seen anything for weeks.

I've been... away, you see.

Will you make a statement
to that effect?

I just did, didn't I?

Well, I'd like my assistant to get it down,
just to get it on the record, sir.

- Now, first of all, your name, please.
- Doctor Watt.

- Doctor who, sir?
- Watt.

Who is my uncle, or was.
I haven't seen him for ages.

- We appear to be at loggerheads, sir.
- No, no, this is Bide-a-Wee.

Loggerhead's about
five miles down the road.

- No, no, about your name.
- Watt!

- What's your name?
- Watt's his name!

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Excuses, nothing but excuses!
Just get the statement down.

"I haven't seen or heard anything
suspicious in the vicinity this evening."

You too, eh?
I'm so glad it wasn't just me who didn't.

Look, we won't take up any more
of your valuable time.

You've been most kind
and cooperative.

Not at all. I'm only too glad
to help at an... ti...

- What's the matter, Doctor?
- Just a bit run down.

If you'll just plug this into the socket...

- What's happening, Sergeant?
- Oh, lumme, look! He's going away.

Don't just stand there. Plug it in!

(Potter) Oh, crikey!
Now he's coming back.

Ah, that's better.
Now, where was I?

Well, sir, you were sort of coming
and going. We didn't quite...

What's the matter with you two?
Come back here!

- Didn't you see what he did?
- Yes. He's right, Sergeant.

There's something not right
about that man.

Don't be so silly!
He's just an eccentric, that's all.

- I saw through him immediately.
- So did we. That's the trouble.

(Maniacal laughter)

Oh, gawd!

Slobotham, you and I,
as respectable officers of the law,

are going to walk out of here
with dignity.

Slowly.

(Cackling)

Oh, Oddbod, if only you weren't
so damned attractive...

(Electricity crackling)

- They've gone.
- Good. Did they suspect anything?

Of course not.

I went out of my way
to behave perfectly normally.

Well, that should be all right, then,
shouldn't it? What did they want?

Oh, something about a girl,
disappearing in the vicinity.

Oh, that must be the one
Oddbod brought back.

Oh, he got one, did he?

Oh, yes!

Very nice.

I must say, he has very good taste.

Yes, well,
we must vitrify her tonight

and get her away first thing
in the morning.

Ah, look! It's started to work.

Oh, yes.

It's regenerating very nicely.

Well, this is a nice time to be
coming home again! Half-past six.

Now, don't start.

I've been up all night
looking for a woman.

Well, that should be something
you're good at. Looking for women.

I wouldn't say that.
Last time I tried it, I found you.

I dread to think
where you'd have been without me.

Do you know something?

I watched a bloke disappear
in front of my eyes tonight.

I was just wondering:

why couldn't you
do something useful like that?

Oh, yes, you'd like to get rid of me,
wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

Emily... Dear Emily...

Shut up!

Oh...!

What have you done?

Taken it down!

Do you realise you have cut me off
in my prime?

How are they going to call me
when they want me?

That's your worry!

Now, I'm going to get some of the sleep
it's been depriving me of.

- (Telephone rings)
- Aaaaargh!

(Laughs)

- You forgot to disconnect the wires!
- I can't stand any more!

- That'll teach you!
- My heart won't stand it.

Hello? (Laughing)

Oh, Slobotham...

No, we weren't doing anything.

What? Good!

Oh, strewth! Try and stay awake
till I get there.

- You're not going out?
- No, I'm putting these on to tread grapes.

Well, that's lovely, that is!

Do you realise I've had
a full two minutes of your company?

This is a real red-letter day,
isn't it?

I must remember to make a note of it
in my diary!

I'm wanted down at the station.

Oh, yes, you would be!
Put them before me!

Why don't you marry the ruddy police
force, and have done with it!

What, and miss all the fun
I've had with you?

I don't know why you bother
coming home at all.

Stay at your rotten police station.

Let them look after you!

See if they'll give you
what you got from me!

It's been so long
since I've had anything from you,

I've forgotten whether it's worth having.

"Fingers I have known". No.

"Fanny Hill". No, that won't...

Ah, here it is. "Origins Of Man".

Ever read this book?
Here, look at this.

Homo gargantuoso.

Homo... Aye.

Well... whew. (Chuckles)

Erm... that's the wrong homo.

Ah. Homo gargantuoso.

Here it is.

Well, the finger looks the same.

Aye, that's the one.
Extinct now, of course.

Are you saying that...

this finger's come off something
that's been dead for 500 years?

No doubt about it.
Dead as a doornail.

Doc, you must be wrong.

That finger came off something
that was alive last night.

We can very soon prove it.

We can prove whether it was
living membrane

by giving it a very strong
electrical charge.

Well, you do that, will you?

Sarge, we've got a lead.

- This was pushed through my letterbox.
- What was?

"Dear Sir, if you want to know
what happened to Doris Mann,

"I can tell you.

"I am the cloakroom attendant
at the one by the park,

"and you can see me any time
at my convenience."

- Let me see that.
- Is it genuine, sarge?

I don't know.
It's unusual notepaper...

perforated at both ends.

Could be! Come on.

- They've just come out.
- Let's follow and see what they're up to.

Good idea.

(♪ Theme from Z-Cars)

♪ Da-dah... di-dee...

♪ Da-dah... ♪

Oh, hello!

Morning, gents.
Like a nice wash, would you?

- Erm... ta.
- Help yourselves.

I got your note.

Ohhh...! You're the young fella
who was with that girl, aren't you?

- Yes, yes. What do you know about it?
- Plenty.

But it'll cost you a bit.

All right, all right!
That'll be quite enough of that sort of talk.

Here, what are you doing?
Who are you pushing?

I'm a police detective,

and I must warn you
that I shall take down anything you say.

All right. Trousers.

All right, Slobotham, I'll take over.

Forgive him. He's a bit new.

There's no need for anybody
to get excited, is there? Mr erm...?

Dann. Daniel Dann.

- Dan Dann?
- Yes.

That is a funny name
for someone in this job, isn't it?

We just want a friendly little chat,
Mr Dann.

Well, shall we go to my little room?

Make yourselves at home, gents.

Well... this is a nice place
you have here, Mr Dann.

Yes... (Chuckles)

Well, there's something
to be said for it.

I live in a man's world.

Well, Mr Dann, about this note
you sent to Mr Potter - it's very important.

(Footsteps)

Ah... Mrs Peabody.

Hello! Mrs Peabody!

Nice woman.
Her husband's a customer of mine.

Yes, very interesting, but...

You know, I can honestly say that I know
everyone who goes past here intimately.

Yes, I would say that business here
is definitely... looking up.

No stockings!

She never wears 'em.
Mind you, I see worse.

A Scotsman goes past here in a kilt,
and you wouldn't give it credence.

Mr Dann, Sergeant Bung
is trying to ask you some questions.

All right, all right, all right!

We want to know what happened
to Doris.

Yes, I'm sure you do.
'Er and the others.

"And the others"?
What do you know, Mr Dann?

I was working out at a place
near Hocombe Woods as a gardener.

Bide-a-Wee?

That's the place.
Not a bad job. Well paid.

- They're talking to Dann.
- Dann?

Dan Dann, the gardening man -
you know.

Oh... that could be very awkward.
We must silence him.

Oddbod...

Mind you,

I'm not saying that
what happened to Doris

isn't what happened to the others.

But it looked very suspicious to me.

Yes, yes, Mr Dann. For goodness' sake,
what happened to the others?

I was just coming to that.
I saw...

(Heavy footsteps)

'Ello. Who's that, then?
Must be a stranger round here.

Did you see those dirty great plates?

Mr Dann, please...
What happened to those girls?

All right, all right, all right!
I was telling you. I saw...

(Footsteps)

Sounds like a customer. I'm sorry -
you'll have to excuse me, gents.

How long's he going to be?

Good morning, sir. Nice day...

(Clattering and banging)

(Toilet flushes, door shuts)

- I don't like the sound of that.
- Nor me.

Come on!

Dann, Dann, where are you?

Sergeant!

Look...

Open it, quick!

Just a minute. Just a minute!

Don't look.

- Is he...?
- Drowned.

(Muttering)

(Whirring)

What an extraordinary thing!

(Clattering)

Blimey. Now what?

Sergeant... Look!

(Electricity whirs)

(Groans)

Don't look.

You looked!

There. I think she's ready for delivery.

Yes, quite the best one
we've done so far.

Pretty, too. Seems such a waste.

Oh, nonsense.
Living, she'd just have got old and fat.

But like this she'll stay
young and beautiful for ever.

Yes, but not half so much fun.

Put the lid on.
I'm going to raise Oddbod.

Excuse me, dear.

Now, listen, Oddbod.
Take that crate up to Sockett.

Do you understand?

Hm-hm.

And then go out
and get me another girl.

Gently does it.
We don't want it to arrive all broken.

(Yawns) Do we have to do
another one tonight?

I feel quite run down.

I'm afraid we must.
We're behind with the orders, as it is.

Oh. Well, I've just got time
for a quick... charge.

Yes, just do me up, will you?

Oh, luxury.

All right.

(Whines)

(Whimpering)

Orlando!

(Shrieks)

What are you doing?
You might have killed me.

I'm terribly sorry, but look.

Oddbod,
what are you doing back here?

- Haven't you noticed? He's naked.
- Of course I've noticed...

Oddbod! Oh, it's disgusting!

Put something on, you filthy beast.

Oh, isn't it sickening?

One never gets a minute's peace
around here.

What's the matter with you?
Making an exhibition of yourself like that!

Most uncivilised.

Orlando, this isn't Oddbod.

Of course it's Oddbod.
I ought to know.

I was the one that found his body
and brought him back to life.

No, it isn't.

It's Oddbod's finger.

This whole thing has been regenerated
from it.

The body cells have built themselves up
into the same form.

Good heavens! It's worse than rabbits.
Talk about pulling your finger out!

Orlando, did you do this?

Of course not.
I've never seen the thing before.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure!

Then someone else must have subjected
the finger to an electrical charge.

I don't like it.

Neither do I.

Let's face it - this thing is
getting bigger than both of us.

- (Knock at door)
- Who could that be?

I knew it! It's the police.
We're done for.

Oh, why did I ever meddle
in this horrible business?

I was happy enough as a simple
chemist, making my little liver pills.

They never did anyone any harm.
Well, not if taken in moderation.

Of course, if you overdid it...

Oh, for heaven's sake,
pull yourself together!

I'll see who it is.
You look after him.

It's all very well for her to say,
"Pull yourself together."

But I mean, look what happened
to Dr Frankenstein and Dr Jekyll.

I was at school with them.

Yes, they always pinched
my pocket money.

Said the change did them good.

I would like to see...

the master of the house.

I'm afraid my brother is resting.
Will I do?

Will you do... what, miss?

Perhaps you'd better come in.

There must be something
I can do for you.

That would be highly
co-operative of you, miss.

Will you come this way?

Do please sit down.

No.

Here.

We can make contact better.

Oh, and do call me Valeria.

Valeria, miss.

That is an unusual name.

You haven't told me your name.

Bung, miss. Sergeant Bung.

Bung? Bung!

Bung, Bung, Bung, Bung.

That's a very fitting name.

Yes. My first one is Sidney.

And what is it that you want...
Sidney?

A man was killed

under very mysterious circumstances
this morning.

And it appears he used to work
for you as a gardener.

Drowned, he was.

Drowned in a... couple of minutes.

Name of Dann.

Dan Dann, the...

Forgive me.

I just had to do that.

It's all right, miss.

We are here to be of service
to the public.

Yes, but I don't think you're very
experienced in the ways of love.

If you want to know the way,
ask a policeman.

I find you very fascinating,

Sidney.

Would you show me your whistle?

Of course, miss.

It's not much of a one, I'm afraid.

Nonsense.
I think it's a beautiful one.

May I blow it?

(Silence)

The pea's gone.

I'm afraid I got overexcited once
and I breathed in.

Poor Sidney!

Go on.
Show me how you got overexcited.

I have come here, miss,
to perform a duty.

Well, get on with it.
I haven't got all night, you know.

If I could just have the answers
to some questions first.

Well, all right.

I'm sure I know all the answers.

I'm sure you do, miss.

You must learn to relax more,
Sidney.

Take things as they come.

Come on.
Sit beside me for a moment.

There you are.

See?

Now, that's much more comfortable,
isn't it?

Very much so, miss.

What must you think of me?

I'm such a terrible hostess!
I haven't offered you a thing.

I wouldn't say that, miss.

Do you drink?

Not on duty, miss.

- Do you smoke?
- Not on duty, miss.

Well, do you mind if I smoke?

No, of course not, miss.

Thank you so much.

And I was trying to give it up.

- Boo!
- Oh, good morning, Sergeant.

I didn't expect you so soon.

That's all right, Slobotham,
old chap.

Put your feet up. Carry on.

- Is anything wrong, Sergeant?
- No, everything's fine. Just fine.

- What's all this?
- Ah, this.

Well, I've been examining
the files on missing persons,

and I've discovered
a remarkable similarity amongst them.

Well, that's not so surprising,
Slobotham.

We buy all our files at the same shop.
(Chuckles)

No, I mean a similarity in cases,
Sergeant.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you don't want to bother
about the cases, Slobotham.

You ought to learn to relax more.
Take things as they come.

That's what gets results.

By the way,
how did you get on last night?

Very nicely.
Very nicely indeed.

- Then you did learn something.
- Not half.

I think I'm onto something good there.

Yes, I thought so.

I've always thought there was something
not quite right about that house, sir.

Something about Dann, was it?

- Who?
- Dan Dann.

(Chuckles)

Sergeant... are you all right?

Excuse me, Sergeant,
but you're wanted.

What for?

That Mr Potter's in trouble again.
Seems he's run amuck.

Wrecked a millinery shop
down the road.

(Laughs) Good for him!
Come on, Slobotham.

I've never seen anything like it before.

Completely wrecked my window...
and almost killed poor Mr Vivian here.

I had to draw the blinds!

I can't have that sort of thing
going on here.

Well, well, well.
What have you got to say about this?

It's her, I tell you. It's my Doris.

Oh, come on, now, Mr Potter.
It's only a dummy.

It is not a dummy! It's her.

All right, then. We'll take your word for it
that it looks like Doris.

It is Doris. Blimey, I ought to know.
I've been going out with her for a year.

Mr Potter, you just come over here
with me.

Now, does that sound like Doris?

Well, I don't know.
I've never hit her with a pipe.

Look! She's solid - like a rock.

Go on, feel it for yourself.
Go on, feel it.

Oh, she's all cold.

Wouldn't you be,
with nothing but your corsets on?

I've just remembered -
I might be able to prove it's Doris.

All right, Mr Potter.

How?

Well, Doris had a little birthmark
on her...

(Whispers)

On her what?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

She told me.

All right, Mr Potter.
If it's going to make you happier,

go ahead and have a look.

What? In front of all these people?
What do you think I am?

Well, some fool's got to do it.
It isn't going to be me!

(Chuckles)

- Slobotham.
- Ah, Sergeant.

I've got a little job of investigating
for you.

- Oh, what-ho, Sergeant.
- Should be right up your street.

Go over and examine that dummy.

See if you can find a birthmark
about that big.

Right, Sergeant. Where is it?

(Whispers)

There?

Oh, Sergeant. Do I have to?

You're a detective.
You should be able to tackle anything.

Detect.

Sergeant, I've covered every aspect
of police work,

but I've never been called on
to tackle corsets before.

It's very simple.
You undo the laces, you...

It's just like football boots.
You've taken football boots off?

- Not off a Lady, Sergeant.
- Get on with it.

Oh, dear.

Oh... Sergeant.

Which one did you say
the birthmark was on?

Slobotham,

there are only two.

It's a simple process of elimination.

Yes, Sergeant.

Well, there doesn't seem
to be anything here.

What-ho! There is something here.

- What did I tell you?
- It seems to be a little round...

Oh, dear. It's come off in my hand.

Let's have a look.

"Made In England."

Now, Oddbod,
are you with us again?

- Yes!
- Oh, no, not now.

- Come on, Orlando. Work to be done.
- Oh, dear. No rest for the wicked.

Oh, look at Oddbod Junior.

Sleeping like a baby.

(Speaks baby-talk)

Stop crooning, Orlando.
Wake him up and put him to work.

Oh, we can't do that yet.
He's not ready for it.

Not until he's been
properly house-trained.

This one must be vitrified tonight.

Oh, yes. Very nice.

What about removing
any moles or birthmarks?

- I've done that.
- Oh, yes.

I never get any of the interesting jobs.

That'll do. Oddbod.

See to the vat, will you, darling?

Yes.

Just nice.

Let's see, now.
What does she weigh?

120lb.

Allow three minutes per pound.
That's six hours at Regulo 7.

All right, Oddbod. We're ready.

- Ah, well. Here goes.
- Please, Orlando.

Please, please don't say it.

- Say what, dear?
- You know perfectly well what.

What you always say at this time.
It's in extremely bad taste.

What? Oh, you mean
"frying tonight".

Oh, there are times when I really...

- Oh, Miss Valeria.
- Yes, what is it, Sockett?

That policeman's here again.
The sergeant.

What's he doing here?
What's he after?

The same as he was after last night,
I imagine.

Oh?

Information.

Oh, how I hate these
law-abiding people.

Why can't everyone be thoroughly horrid,
like us?

Yes, I will see him, Sockett.

This is awful. I wish I was dead.

But, Orlando, you are dead.

What? Oh, yes, so I am.

What a life!

"Made In England."

That's a coincidence.

(Door handle rattles)

Sidney,

how sweet of you
to come back to see me so soon!

I had to come, Valeria.
I've been thinking about you all day.

I'm intoxicated... with your beauty.

Everything I see reminds me of you.

I can't get you out of my mind.

I look at my two inkwells
and I see your lovely eyes.

A letter box, and I saw your lips.

In the street there was a little boy
playing with two balloons, and...

Yes. Well, I think that's quite enough
of that sort of talk, Sidney.

I only meant like our two hearts
floating away.

Oh, forgive me. Forgive me.

My passion runs away with me.

That's enough.
That's enough, Sidney.

Let's... Let's sit down, shall we?

Yes, yes.

That's better.

Now, tell me.
How are your investigations going?

Oh, those.

As a matter of fact, we thought
we'd found the missing girl today -

- Doris Mann.
- Oh?

It turned out to be a dummy
in a shop window.

Mr Potter swore it was her.

Oh, how extraordinary.
And was it?

How could it have been?
It was only a dummy.

It even had one of those erm...
Made In England labels

stamped on it... just like the ones
you've got in the desk over there.

Forgive me, Sidney.
I... I shan't be a moment.

I've just remembered
I've left something cooking.

They spotted the one we sent out
yesterday, in the shop window.

- I knew it! We're done for.
- Not yet. He doesn't know it's her.

We can't take any chances.
We must get her back.

Get her back? How can we do that?
It would be stealing.

Well, I thought we might persuade
Sergeant Bung to do it for us.

Him? Old Goody-goody?
You must be mad.

Oh, we might get him over
on our side for a while.

You know that prescription
Dr Jekyll made up for you?

Oh, yes. That stuff.

But isn't it awfully risky?

I mean, we still don't know
what the side-effects are.

- We don't want him having triplets.
- Here it is.

- Nothing burnt, I hope.
- Burnt?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Everything was fine.

Shall we just have a little drink?

- I don't think I'd better, not on duty.
- Oh, please.

Both of us might become
a little more friendly, no?

Well, if you put it like that...

It's an old and rather unusual brandy.

It has a... smoky flavour.

It has a smoky look, too.

Oh, to get the most out of it,

it's best to take it straight down
in one go.

Well, here's to friendship.

Ah.

Yes.

1870, a very good year.

- Valeria, has it worked?
- I don't know yet.

(Grunting)

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, he looks absolutely lovely.

Very nice.

Argh!

Va-arrgh! Arr!

Sidney, Sidney.
Sidney, listen to me.

I must have a noggin of that myself.

Stop it, Sidney! Stop it. Sidney!

No, don't stop him, dear. He's supposed
to do thoroughly beastly things.

Listen to me. I am your mistress.

Don't say that, dear!
It'll only make him worse.

You must obey my commands.
You hear me?

You must obey me.

Right. Now, there's something
I want you to do for me.

- (Growls)
- No, not that.

Now, listen to me.

And listen carefully.

(♪ Steptoe And Son Theme)

(Clattering)

(Footsteps)

Well, this is a nice time
to be coming home again!

I don't know why you don't stay out
all night.

Oh, that's right.
Try and look all innocent.

If you could just see yourself!
You look disgusting.

Disgusting! And isn't it about time
you got your hair cut?

You needn't think I'm going out
with you looking like that.

Oh, dear me, no!

- Rrraaar!
- And just look at your teeth!

You can't say I haven't asked you
to go to the dentist.

For all I care, they can rot.

- Rrraaar!
- Sidney Bung!

You have been drinking.

So, this is a step on the final path,
is it?

Well, you can't say my mother
didn't warn me.

(Screams)

Don't you aim it at mother!

No! I'll get you! Oh, I'll get you!

I'll get you,
if it's the last thing I do.

Get out of here! Get out!

Go on! Get out!
Get out of it!

Get out! Get out!

(Snoring and moaning)

Waa... waa...

Water...

Ooh! Oh, blimey!

Oh, my head! Oh!

Where am I?

Oh, strewth!

What did I do last night?

What happened?

(Telephone rings)

Argh!

All right, all right!
Hang on! Hang on!

Ow!

(Ringing)

Hello.

Just hang on a minute.

Blimey. Who am I?

Oh, yeah.

Sergeant Bung here,

Detective Sergeant Bung...

I think.

Who...? Oh, Slobotham.

Look, Slobotham, Mrs Bung and I
weren't doing anything.

Kindly remember in future,
to save time,

that Mrs Bung and I
never do anything.

Now, what do you want?

What shop broken into?

You don't say?

Look, I'll be right there.

Now, don't touch anything.
You understand?

Don't move.

Well, of course you can have a...

- (Knocking)
- Emily?

You awake?

- Get out, you disgusting creature!
- What's the matter with you?

How dare you come home
drunk and assault me?

- Assault you?
- Yes!

- I wouldn't assault you with a bargepole!
- You beast! Get out! Go on, get out!

- Don't know what I've done.
- You know what you did.

I'm gonna make you pay for it!
I'll get one over on you. Don't you worry.

Come here, you!
I'm not finished with you yet.

Well, what precise time
would you say this happened, sir?

How should I know?

I was only called out of bed
half an hour ago.

"Crawled out... Called."
Beg your pardon.

"Called out of my bed half... "

Your bed, was that, sir?

No, it was... What difference
does it make whose bed it was?

It might make a difference
to somebody, sir.

Glad you've arrived, Sergeant.

Hello?
What's happened here, then?

Oh, I'd say it's a pretty clear case
of breaking and entering.

No?

This window's been broken
in several places, for a start.

- You don't say?
- Oh, yes, I do.

And there's the footprints inside.

- What footprints?
- Inside.

I was going to examine them closely
for any distinguishing marks.

Distinguishing?

Can you think of anything more
distinguished than having six toes?

Six toes?

Is there anything missing, Mr Jones?

Nothing, as far as I can see...

except for the dummy.

What dummy?

The one they had all the fuss about
yesterday.

The one that looked like
that Mann, Doris.

That Doris Mann.

You haven't guessed who took it?

I've only been on the job an hour.

You take a week to think it over...

while I go and get him.

For the last time, take your hands off me!
What am I supposed to have done?

You tell me. What am I supposed
to have done? It's a disgrace!

Keep still. You're assisting
the police with their inquiries.

All right, Slobotham. Let him go.

And I should think so, too.

Look, what's all this about?
I'm supposed to be at work.

All right, Mr Potter.
All we want to know is, where is it?

Well, it's your police station.
You ought to know.

No, not that. Where's the dummy?

What dummy?

The one you thought was Doris!
The one you stole last night.

What? I never did any such thing.

- I suppose I took it, then?
- I don't know, but it definitely wasn't me.

All right, Mr Potter.

If you want us to do it the hard way,
take your boots off.

- What for?
- Never mind what for. Take them off.

And your socks.

Look, what's all this about?

We're investigating
a barefoot robbery.

- Are you sure those are your feet?
- Of course they're mine!

Sarge, there's only five toes.

- How many am I supposed to have?
- Six!

What have you done
with the other one?

I haven't done anything with it.

So, you admit there was one?

- I'm getting out of here.
- Just a minute, Mr Potter.

Where were you last night?

- In bed.
- Any witnesses to corroborate that?

- My landlady.
- Oh... Oh?

She came up with a bottle.

Sounds like a pretty loose-living place
you lodge in.

She always comes up
with a hot-water bottle.

I beg your pardon.

It's just possible
he and the landlady are in collusion.

Don't be disgusting. She's over 60.

All right, you can go, Mr Potter.

Yeah? Well, I should think so, too.
Talk about incompetent!

You're a bunch of idiots, you are.

You ought to be looking
for whatever it was that got Doris.

That's what you ought to do.

And if you're not going to,
well, I will.

So there.

Very suspicious behaviour, Sergeant.
Very suspicious.

Quiet.

(Groans)

- Something the matter with your back?
- I'm thinking.

Oh.

Maybe, Slobotham, we're approaching
this case from the wrong angle.

Angle, sarge. Yes.

Let us for one moment
sift all the facts.

Yes, let's have a sift.
I'm all for a good sift.

Shut up.

All these women who've disappeared -
was it an accident?

Or do we assume foul play?

Foul, Sergeant. Definitely foul.

Right.

Foul.

And if it was foul play,

what clues have we got
to lead us to this conclusion?

Well, there were these
enormous footprints.

Yes, feet.

Then there was a peculiar odour
at the scene of the crime.

Yes, smell.

And then there was that thing
you professed to have seen,

that squashed my hooter.

Something horrible, it was, sarge.

Some... thing

hor... ri... ble.

Anything else to go down?

- That's just about it, sarge.
- Let's look at what we've got.

Foul... feet... smell...

ooh... something horrible!

Maybe we're still approaching this
from the wrong angle, Slobotham.

Now, let us assume
that all these women were abducted

by this unknown thing.

Certainly some thing, Sergeant.

That leaves us
with one course of action.

Now, how would you
set about catching a mouse?

It's a bit bigger than a mouse,
sarge.

Look, I'm not suggesting
that this unknown thing is a mouse!

I'm merely asking you
how you would set about catching one.

Put a bit of cheddar on a trap.

That's it, exactly. You'd set a trap.

But we don't use cheese.

We bait our trap with a woman.

It'd be a bit heavy. When she sat...

I'm not suggesting
we put a woman on the mousetrap.

I wish I'd never mentioned this!

All we do is, we stick a woman
in Hocombe Woods and lie in wait.

And then when the thing comes for her,
we nab him.

That's it - exactly.
At least, I do.

Just you, sarge?
What will I be doing?

Be sensible, Slobotham.
We can't use a real woman.

Something might go wrong.

Yes, I get the point, sarge.

So, instead, we will use someone
who looks as if he is a woman.

What a brilliant idea, sarge! Ho-ho!

Who did you have in mind, then?

Ah, there you are.

I... I... I do beg your pardon, madam.
I thought you were...

I'm expecting...

Is he ready yet?

How about it?

Oh, really, madam...

On some other occasion,
I might be delighted to avail myself.

Is he ready yet?

Sarge?

It's me. Slobotham. (Laughs)

I'm afraid it's the best I could do,
Mr Jones,

but even I have my limitations.

Yes. Still, it's erm...

It's a nice, dark night.

There. What did I tell you?

Oh, really, Mrs Parker,
how could he?

And with a shop girl!

- Hurry up. Get in!
- It's difficult, Sergeant, in this uniform.

- (Fabric tearing)
- What was that?

- I hate to think.
- If it's my upholstery, I'll kill you.

- Oh, good gracious me!
- What was it?

I don't know what they call them,
but they've split.

Get in, darling.

Give us a bunk-up. Ooh!

Don't worry, madam.
There's no wind tonight.

(Laughs)

Now, do what I told you. Follow them,
see what they do. See if I'm not right.

(Chuckling)

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why must you be so rough?

Naughty Junior.

Don't you understand?

You don't have to strangle them.

One look at your face should be enough.
Oh, dear.

I don't think he's ready for it yet,
dear.

He must go out tonight.

Oh, all right. Oddbod, show
him how you do it, once again.

There's a darling.

Mmh!

There, you see?

- (Valeria) Oddbod! Stop it!
- Gently does it.

Oddbod, stop it! Oddbod!

Oh, dear. He's at it again.

Oddbod, drop. Drop!

Drop, I say! Naughty Bod.

Honestly, it's not natural,
the way he carries on.

Oh, don't be cross.
He's just a bit overexcited.

Yes, he's over-something.
Now, off you go, the both of you.

And remember: don't come
back empty-handed.

I only hope we're doing the right thing.

I do wish Junior would learn
to use the door! Ooh!

(Engine stops)

- (Twang!)
- Oh, blast it! Ooh!

Shh! Ladies don't swear.

They would if they had
these corsets on.

Ooh! It didn't half catch me.

Come on, get out.

- I hope there's nobody looking.
- Stop messing about.

(Horn)

Right on the hooter.

Sergeant, don't hit a woman.

- Now, give me your hand.
- Eh?

We've got to make this look real.

You're not going to kiss me,
are you, Sergeant?

To the woods.

They've stopped the car
and have gone into the woods, ma'am.

Wait here.

(Whispers) Yes. This is the spot.

- Right. Get down.
- What for?

That's what Doris was doing
when she copped it.

- Well, I'm not copping it.
- Get down.

Wait a minute.

- (Fabric tearing)
- Ah!

(Chuckles)

(Both giggle)

- What's so funny?
- I was just thinking...

Supposing my wife could see me
now!

(Bell tinkles)

(Tinkling)

How do you expect anything
to come and have a go at you?

Look at you,
sitting there like a bag of nutty slack.

- I'm doing the best I can.
- It's not good enough!

Try and look a bit more... seductive.

- But I don't want to be seducted.
- Abandoned, then.

I'd sooner have the nutty slack.

(Screams)

(Distant screaming)

What was that?

What was that?

I'm going to have a look.
You stay here.

Don't leave me, Sergeant!
Sergeant!

(Whimpering)

Oh, thank heavens
you're back, Sergeant. Oh...

What a smashing disguise!

Look at those teeth!

(Growls)

Grrr! (Laughs)

- Grrr!
- Grrr!

Help. Help!

One, two, three, four, five, six!
It wasn't me.

Get off!
Let go! Let go!

- Sergeant Bung!
- You...!

What do you want to scream
like that for?

- I didn't scream. I thought it was you.
- Slobotham!

Slobotham? Slo...?

Slobotham?

Sergeant, look!

Well, no... no.

Blimey! It's got Slobotham.

But I don't understand.
What would it want with men?

He's not a man. He's a woman.

Oh. I thought there was
something funny about him.

No, I meant he was dressed
as a woman.

And you don't think that funny?

Look, we tried to trap it,
whatever it was that got him.

Oh. It's going to get a bit of a shock
when it gets home, isn't it?

(Laughs)

We've got to find Slobotham.

Footprints! Come on.

♪ Or leave a kiss

♪ Within the cup

♪ And I will not ask for wine... ♪

Now, this isn't going to hurt much.

Just a preparatory injection...

to get the old body cells going.

So, you be a brave mummy.

There.

Didn't hurt much, did it, hm?

Just a little prick.

Now, let's see what happens,
shall we?

Orlando?

Hello, Valeria.

Orlando, what are you doing?

Well, I just thought I'd have another go
at regenerating old Rubbatiti.

You know perfectly well it won't work.
He's been gone too long.

I thought, if I increase
the electrical charge...

Oh, don't let's waste time.
This is much more important.

Junior has brought one back.

We must vitrify her immediately.

Oh, dear. We never seem to have
any fun any more.

Is this the best you could do?

What am I expected to do with this?
It's a load of old rubbish.

I can sell it to Lacey's.

They deal exclusively
with fittings for the matronly figure.

Well, they'll have a fit
when they see this.

Don't waste time. Inject her.

Yes, well, the target area
is large enough.

The trouble is finding the bull.

Eeny, meenie, miney...

mo.

Ah! This one looks more like it.

Well done, Oddbod.

Very good!

- What's happened to your ear?
- (Mumbles)

Oh, yes, well, ear today,
gone tomorrow.

That's funny. The footprints stop here.
Unless it crossed the road.

- There's that house again.
- Come on. Let's see if they're all right.

You get the other one ready.
This one will be finished in an hour.

(Gasps)

What is it?

What's the matter?

It's a M-A-N.

A man? How do you know?

Well, after all, I'm a doctor.

But it's impossible.
You must be wrong.

Well, of course,
if you want a second opinion...

Well, I don't understand.

Why should a man be dressed
as a woman?

I don't know. Perhaps
his parents wanted a girl.

- (Knock at door)
- What's that?

Don't panic.
I'll go and see who it is.

(Pounding on door)

I want to see Miss Watt.

- I don't think that's possible.
- Oh, that's quite all right, Sockett.

Valeria, are you all right?

Well, yes, Sidney.

I was just going to bed.

- Don't!
- What?

Not on your own, I mean.

- I beg your pardon?
- I mean...

It's not safe, Valeria.
Another woman disappeared tonight.

- Really?
- I mean...

At least, not a real woman.

It was my assistant dressed
as a woman.

I see.

And whatever it was that took him,
it came this way.

- It?
- I think it was some sort of monster.

This... came off it.

- This ear?
- Yes. That there.

Now, lock all the doors.
I'll go to Grizzly for help.

No. Please stay with me.

Just for tonight, Sidney.

I couldn't do that. Could I?

I'd feel so safe
if you stayed with me.

Yes?

Just a minute.

Erm... Mr Potter.

I shall be... spending the night
with Miss Watt.

I don't blame you.

Yes.

Would you go back to the police station
and tell them what's happened?

- Oh, no. Mr Potter must stay too.
- Eh?

You are so big and strong,
you see.

Sockett? Show Mr Potter
and Sergeant Bung

to the waiting room, will you?

- The waiting room?
- It's the room next to mine.

There's a communicating door,
so that, if I should call...

(Both) I'll be there.

This way, please, gentlemen.

Are you out of your senses,
asking them to stay here?

What else could I do?

Sergeant Bung is getting too dangerous.

- We shall have to get rid of them.
- We can't get rid of them tonight.

What about the disposal of the bodies?
The dustmen don't come till Friday.

Well, it's not my fault.
They've both got to go.

Get Oddbod and Junior.

I can't. They're completely flat.
I've just put them on a recharge.

Well, in that case, Mr Clever,

we shall just have to use other means,
shan't we?

Oh, him.
Well, I suppose it's all right.

But it's an awfully dated method,
you know.

Fangs ain't what they used to be.

Spare me.

Hello, darling.

(Thunderclap)

Well, if he's Sergeant Bung's assistant,
he ought to go too.

Why don't we do
what they did to your friend Dracula?

Drive a spike through his heart.

No. I don't really feel like driving tonight.

Shame... I know!

Why don't we start a new line
in male dummies for the tailor shop?

I say! What a good idea!

If they can fit him,
they can fit anyone.

Well, get Oddbod and Junior up.

I'll get the woman out of the vat,
and we'll do him next.

Right!

(Electricity crackles)

(Groans)

(Thunderclap)

Do you mind?

What do you mean, do I mind?

Stop poking me in the back.

Me poking you in the back?
I like that!

Yeah, well, I don't. I get too much
of that from the old woman.

Keep yourself to yourself.

- And the same to you.
- (Both) Good night!

(Thunderclap)

That does it!

You've had enough, mate?
What about me?

That's the trouble.
I don't know about you.

I'm going to spend the rest of the night
sleeping on the floor.

- Arrgh!
- It's all right. Keep calm.

- What's that?
- They must have shot the snake.

- As long as it wasn't the cat.
- Come on.

(Creaking)

Why all the panic?
The snake's dead.

There's something funny
about this place,

and I'm not laughing.
I'm getting out of here.

- All right, then, go.
- Don't you worry, mate. I'm going.

You changed your mind,
have you?

There's something out there.

What?

I don't know, but whatever it is,
there's two of it.

- Oh, you're imagining things.
- No.

All right, then. I'll have a look.

There you are. Look.

Aaaarghh! Let's get out of here!

Hurry!

Come on!

(Screaming)

It's jammed. Quickly.
Down the stairs.

- Where are we?
- How should I know?

Ah! There's a door.

(Dr Watt) Go after them! Don't let them
get away, you silly things!

Ah!

Look.

Poor old Slobotham.

One of the finest men I ever had.

Sergeant! It's you! It's him!

You great, steaming nit! What are you
trying to do? Frighten me to death?

I'm sorry. I thought it was those
horrible things coming back.

It is those horrible things
coming back!

They must have got out.
Search the grounds.

Let's see if there's another way
out of here.

Doris!

It's not Doris.
It's only that dummy again.

Listen.
(Taps)

But I know it's her.

If only we had a bit more light in here,
you'd see that it wasn't.

There's a switch here, Sergeant.
There!

Now you've done it!
Now you have done it!

Why don't you Light a bonfire and let
them know we're here? Let's get out.

What... No, wait! Look.

Oh, Albert, you've been gone a long time.
There you are.

What did I tell you? It is her.

I don't believe it!

Don't you dare!

I only wanted to see
if she was hard or soft.

Albert, where are we?
Who are those people?

It's all right, darling.
They're just policemen.

Slobotham, I'm beginning to think
he's right.

There is something funny going on
in this house.

You don't know the half of it.

Did you see that awful-looking thing
they pulled out of that vat?

- What awful-looking thing?
- Oh, I can't describe it. Ugh!

It's in that crate over there.

I suppose we should have a look at it.
For evidence.

Yes.

Arghh!

Em... Emily!

Do you know her, Sergeant?

This awful-looking thing

happens to be my wife!

Oh, bad luck. Oh! (Laughs)

Oh, I mean, bad luck finding
her here like that.

Well, never mind that.
Help me to get her out of here.

Sergeant, she's as hard as a rock.

You don't have to tell me that.
I've been married to her for 15 years.

No, give her a knock.

Blimey. So she is.

Oh, come on. Let's get out of here.
They'll be back any minute.

He's right.
We've got to go and get help.

Don't worry, Em.
We'll be back for you later.

Albert?

Sorry. Stay where you are.
Don't move.

Don't move? What am I saying?

(Thunderclap)

Stand back, or we'll fire!

Straight through them.

It hasn't even hurt 'em.
They're impregnant!

In there! Quick!

(Pounding on door)

Slobotham! Come on,
pull yourself together! Come on.

Oh, did you see it, Sergeant?
It went right through it!

And I'll go right through yours if you don't
help me barricade this door. Come on.

Oh, Sergeant, it went through mine.

I knew we couldn't trust them
in a crisis.

They're in there.
After them! After them!

Doris! Do.. Do...

Brandy... Ah, brandy!

Well, don't just stand there.
Go through your own hole.

Come, Valeria.

Come on, get me more.
Get me the chair over there. Quick.

Come on, lad.

Good lad. Good lad.

That should hold them.
I'd like to see anybody get through that...

(Growls)

(Growls)

- No. Wait a minute. I'm on your side.
- You can't hit me. I'm a woman.

- He's changed again.
- Pity. I think I preferred him as he was.

W-What happened?

You won, by two falls and a submission.
Come on, let's go.

Ah! You thought you'd beaten me,
didn't you?

You think this is for greenfly,
don't you?

But it isn't, see? It's filled
with petrifying liquid. And it works.

Well, who's going to be first?

(Crackling)

Rubbatiti! I've done it!

He's come alive!

Oh, isn't he lovely?

What are you doing? Why are you
looking at me like that? It's me, Watty.

I'm your friend.

Rubbatiti!

- Please help him. He'll kill him.
- You're joking?

Mummy!

Give me one good reason
why I should help.

I shall be very, very grateful.

That's a good reason.

No. I'm your friend, Rubbatiti.

Get away from me. This is the thanks
I get for regenerating you?

Listen. Leave me alone.
I'll send you back to Egypt. I promise.

First class. All expenses paid.
You'll have a lovely trip.

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

No! No! Aargh!

Don't look!

Argh!

Frying tonight!

Mr Potter!

We wanted you to be the first to know,
Sergeant.

Doris and me, we just got married.

- Well, congratulations!
- Thank you.

- Well, you'd better come inside.
- Oh!

That is good news.

- Oh, you've met the wife?
- I have, yes.

How are you, Mrs B...?

Oh!

- She's still a dummy!
- Yes, I'm afraid so.

Yes, but, Sergeant, you can
regenerate her, like we did Doris.

We've only got gas.

Are you ready for your tea, Sidney?

Yes, ta. Oh, and some
for my friends, love.

Certainly, Sidney.

You mean, she's looking after you?

That's right. Horrible, isn't it?