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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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My name is B.J. Novak. I wanna
tell you about this show I made.
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It's a completely different
episode every time.
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00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,138
- Pop culture.
- Sex.
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Revenge.
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Here it is. Is that it?
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That's it.
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Attention! The party bus
will be leaving in a moment!
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We have a massive backlog
of Vampiric Council business,
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00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:31,944
and you all pick now to go on a trip?
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All work, no play makes
Colin Robinson a dull guy.
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Guillermo, there are two missing.
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- Great.
- Holiday time!
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It has been several
decades since we have taken
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an excursion away from our home.
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But Sean and Charmaine...
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Seanie!
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Yes, exactly. Sean and
Charmaine from next door
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have organized a group getaway
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to celebrate their anniversary.
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- Yeah.
- And...
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they've invited us!
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For vampires, traveling away
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from home can be very difficult.
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It's not the same as just flashing
25
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a few papers or wanking
off Morris from steerage.
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There's a lot more to it.
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Most important rule... you must
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take with you the homeland
soil of your coffin.
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-Without this ancestral earth...
- Thank you.
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... you cannot sleep, you cannot leave,
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- Come.
- ... you cannot hypnotize,
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and your powers go
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to absolute liquid shit.
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Take the soil with me. All of it.
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- Tie a knot. Very safe.
- There we are.
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Ready to travel!
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Some call our destination
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a mecca of the depraved.
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America's premier nocturnal playground
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of hedonistic debauchery.
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Sin City, U.S. of A., baby!
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♪ Viva Atlantic City ♪
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- ♪ Viva Atlantic City ♪
- Atlantic City, baby!
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- Atlantic City, baby.
- ♪ Viva... ♪
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Not you, Guillermo.
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- ♪ Viva ♪
- ♪ Atlantic ♪
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♪ City! ♪
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Atlantic City, baby!
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Come on, guys, get off the bus!
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Yeah!
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Here you go, my darling.
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Your home away from home.
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I'll be honest... I'm jealous.
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That cot looks pretty sweet.
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Really? Do you want to trade?
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No, I was just being polite.
It's obviously very shitty.
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Thank you for the tiny bed.
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I hereby present you, the innkeeper,
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with a feather from a female crow,
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as is customary amongst travelers.
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Uh, sir, sorry, no, this is for you.
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- I'll take that, thank you.
- I'm going to spread my soil.
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Hey, Nadja, Laszlo, you guys
hitting the skins in there?
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Yes, Colin Robinson, we are!
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Oh.
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♪ Al Qolnidar. ♪
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- It smells like shit.
- Okay, so 65% off, Nordstrom Rack.
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- No!
- Yes.
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- What are you doing?
- Stop.
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On my mother.
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- Norway? Wow.
- No, well, Nordstrom Rack, yeah.
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Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.
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Ding, ding, ding!
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Now, anyone who knows me
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knows that I am not much for speeches.
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- Seanie!
- Hey! There he is!
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But, uh, I just want
to say to my wife...
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That's me.
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... that I adore you.
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Yeah.
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I mean, look at us. You
know? It's 11 friends,
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all together.
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- It's pretty amazing, you know?
- Yeah.
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Holy shit. It's just
like Ocean's Eleven!
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"What, did you guys get a group rate
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- or something?"
- Yes!
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I love this woman!
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Okay, okay.
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I've always been a Twelve man at heart.
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But, recently, we rewatched Eleven,
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and I have to say that
it's, uh, not just a prequel.
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It's, uh... it's got a
lot of world-building, too.
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All right, let's bring
it up a little bit.
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Let's give a shout-out to my best buds.
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- My main man Laz.
- Seanie!
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To my guy. Frankie, we
played peewee together.
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- Frankie!
- Yeah, you remember that?
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Hey, Mikey! Wake up! We played
peewee together, too, right?
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Oh! Holy shit!
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- Mikey!
- What, are you drunk already?!
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- Oh, no.
- There's glass in all our food.
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- We can't eat it.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
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Gizmo, be a good familiar
and fetch a broom.
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Well, I'm not a familiar anymore, so...
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Fetch a broom from the
hostess now, Guillermo.
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Ooh, ah.
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Cheeky prick.
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Yeah, the transition
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from familiar to
bodyguard has been, um...
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... not much of a transition, I guess?
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Guillermo is no longer a familiar.
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So just make him feel
like he's part of the team.
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No, no, Nandor is right. I mean,
at every office I've worked at,
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they always say, "We're
a big family here."
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And it does motivate
people to work harder
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and neglect their actual families
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- and put up with all sorts of degrading shit.
- Okay.
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They are going to
bring a mop and a broom.
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Oh.
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Hmm?
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Um...
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Hello, Guillermo.
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Um, do you have any, um...
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- interests?
- That's a great question.
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I was wondering that, too.
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- Do I have any interests?
- Hmm.
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- Yes, of course I...
- Wow!
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- Very cool.
- He's got interests
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and he knows what's... interesting.
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- Yeah. I've got interests, too.
- Hmm.
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It's important.
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- Okay.
- We are the same.
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- All with interests.
- Mm.
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Uh, you've got interests, don't you,
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- Colin Robinson?
- I like to walk around.
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- I like to stare.
- Did I...
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- did I miss something?
- We're all a big family here.
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- Right.
- These interests that you have,
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do they involve the fairer sex?
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I'm not gonna do that.
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- I'm not talking...
- Guillermo, do you have yourself
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a little cutie, chubby
little girlfriend?
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Why does she have to be
chub... You know what...
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- Maybe a boyfriend?
- Yes. Have you got
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a little secret, you little sick fuck?
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Yeah, come on, you stinky
bitch. The library is open.
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Definitely not gonna talk about...
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- Oh, one of each, you dirty dog.
- Ooh, yes, he does.
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No, I... I just... I guess I grew
up in a family where, you know,
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talking about your
private life is... that.
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- It's private.
- Oh, please.
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Do you know what the most
beautiful thing in the world is?
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What?
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Fucking.
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The kaleidoscopic entwining
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of limbs and genitalia.
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Men, women. Women, men.
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Women, women, women,
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women, men, men, men, men.
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Anything gets me hard.
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Sometimes it's a problem.
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Not to me.
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Everyone fucks and sucks,
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- thousands of chaps and chap-esses...
- Mm.
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... before they meet the
one. But if they're lucky,
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they can go off and fuck
millions of others, like we do.
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Don't think that was
the case with my parents.
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Tell us more about that.
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You really want to know?
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- Yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
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Uh, well, yeah.
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It is tough. I mean, I
remember being ten or 11
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when I first realized that I was...
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00:06:51,321 --> 00:06:54,367
Frankie put glass in the piccata
and the restaurant comped us,
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so we got all these chips.
Let's hit the casino.
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- All right.
- Come on, Nadia. Let's go watch this Rat Pack show
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- with the girls.
- Did you say "the Rat Pack"?
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- Yeah, they're good.
- They're here?
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00:07:02,027 --> 00:07:03,985
Yeah, yeah, it's the Rat Pack.
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00:07:04,029 --> 00:07:05,596
Chips ahoy!
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Yeah!
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Atlantic City, baby!
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- We're actually seeing the Rat Pack?
- Yeah!
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I couldn't bloody believe it
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00:07:15,784 --> 00:07:17,999
when Charmaine said we
were seeing the Rat Pack.
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00:07:18,043 --> 00:07:19,871
I mean, what a coincidence.
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My old mateys, performing here, tonight!
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Oh, we used to have such fun together.
189
00:07:25,442 --> 00:07:28,053
Hanging with the who's who of the local
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00:07:28,096 --> 00:07:29,924
Cosa Nostra in the back room.
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00:07:29,968 --> 00:07:31,665
What can I say?
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We were just a bunch of night cats,
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and nobody was playing for keeps.
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I used to scream,
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00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:40,239
"Ain't That a Kick in the Head!"
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00:07:40,282 --> 00:07:43,329
at every show because it was
my favorite number and also,
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00:07:43,373 --> 00:07:45,723
you know, what a stupid name for a song.
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00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:48,421
Frankie used to say that
they should callme the Voice.
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00:07:48,465 --> 00:07:49,944
He'd say, uh,
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00:07:49,988 --> 00:07:52,251
"Nadja, I don't know
what's more of a problem,
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00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:55,733
your voice or my taste in blondes."
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00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,300
- Cheers, ladies!
- I love alcohol.
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00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,477
I have to drink it. Um, num, num, num.
204
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,435
Okay, here they... they are!
205
00:08:02,479 --> 00:08:04,132
Frankie! Deanie!
206
00:08:04,176 --> 00:08:06,047
Oh, this is amazing for me!
207
00:08:06,091 --> 00:08:07,962
It's me, Nadja! Hello!
208
00:08:08,006 --> 00:08:10,356
♪ How lucky can one guy be? ♪
209
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,619
Oh, wow. I mean, they
haven't changed at all.
210
00:08:12,663 --> 00:08:15,317
Nadja from Antipaxos! Hello!
211
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,450
They did say, uh,
"Ring-a-ding-ding" a lot.
212
00:08:17,494 --> 00:08:19,713
- Ring-a-ding-ding!
- Which is one of their catchphrases.
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00:08:19,757 --> 00:08:21,715
It's Nadja! Do you remember?!
214
00:08:21,759 --> 00:08:23,064
All right.
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00:08:23,108 --> 00:08:25,676
But, you know, crooners gonna croon.
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00:08:25,719 --> 00:08:26,851
♪ Tell me quick ♪
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00:08:26,894 --> 00:08:28,592
♪ Ain't that a kick ♪
218
00:08:28,635 --> 00:08:33,074
♪ In the head... ? ♪
219
00:08:33,118 --> 00:08:34,380
Oh, boy. All right.
220
00:08:34,424 --> 00:08:35,860
We got some live ones tonight.
221
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:38,558
So, who do you guys
222
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,430
favor for Monday night's fight?
223
00:08:40,473 --> 00:08:42,562
I understand
224
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,521
you're indicating that
you want me to proceed.
225
00:08:44,564 --> 00:08:46,174
But I'm still assessing my cards,
226
00:08:46,218 --> 00:08:47,698
which is within my right.
227
00:08:47,741 --> 00:08:50,744
Rodriguez, of course, has that uppercut.
228
00:08:50,788 --> 00:08:54,052
But Jackson has the reach.
70 inches. That's no slouch.
229
00:08:54,095 --> 00:08:56,054
Yes.
230
00:08:56,097 --> 00:08:58,230
He hasn't moved for hours.
231
00:08:58,273 --> 00:08:59,971
I've actually never seen
him like this, to be honest.
232
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:01,189
Let's go. Come on.
233
00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:05,542
I am playing a game called
The Big Bang Theory game.
234
00:09:05,585 --> 00:09:07,457
So hypnotic.
235
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,502
Really has me in its grips.
236
00:09:11,069 --> 00:09:14,812
Two Leonards and a Raj.
I need three Rajs! Again.
237
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,466
I won!
238
00:09:16,509 --> 00:09:19,425
Bazinga... !
239
00:09:21,949 --> 00:09:25,039
"Bazinga" is the war cry of Sheldon,
240
00:09:25,083 --> 00:09:26,954
their tall leader.
241
00:09:26,998 --> 00:09:29,174
I haven't seen them in so long.
242
00:09:29,217 --> 00:09:32,525
Frankie, Deanie,
Sammy, my sweet paisans.
243
00:09:32,569 --> 00:09:33,570
It's me,
244
00:09:33,613 --> 00:09:35,920
it's your "luck be a lady"!
245
00:09:35,963 --> 00:09:37,530
- Oh.
- Oh,
246
00:09:37,574 --> 00:09:39,314
you were the aces of clubs tonight.
247
00:09:39,358 --> 00:09:41,099
Ring-a-ding-ding!
248
00:09:41,142 --> 00:09:42,840
There it is!
249
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,059
I don't think it's
gonna be a classic match.
250
00:09:45,103 --> 00:09:46,104
Anyway, it... Let's see.
251
00:09:46,147 --> 00:09:48,541
We got a six and a fi...
252
00:09:48,585 --> 00:09:50,804
I don't really know how to play this.
253
00:09:50,848 --> 00:09:52,893
- Come on, Sheldon.
- Yeah, I know they're still having fun,
254
00:09:52,937 --> 00:09:54,808
but it's almost sunrise.
255
00:09:54,852 --> 00:09:56,897
It's very important for a bodyguard
256
00:09:56,941 --> 00:09:59,465
to be on top of when
it's time for nap-naps.
257
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:00,814
Do it for me, Raj.
258
00:10:00,858 --> 00:10:02,599
They get a little aggravated
259
00:10:02,642 --> 00:10:04,992
- when they don't get their night...
- Fucking game!
260
00:10:06,646 --> 00:10:08,343
See?
261
00:10:08,387 --> 00:10:09,905
- Time for night-night.
- Come on. Guillermo, not now.
262
00:10:09,906 --> 00:10:11,120
Give me more quarters.
263
00:10:11,121 --> 00:10:12,666
- I need more quarters.
- No, I think...
264
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,088
- I think it's time for night-night.
- No.
265
00:10:14,132 --> 00:10:15,437
The sun is about to come up.
266
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,178
- You can't make me.
- Aw. Come on.
267
00:10:17,222 --> 00:10:18,963
- No, these are my new friends.
- We should go.
268
00:10:19,006 --> 00:10:20,442
- This way. Over here. This way.
- What does this one do?
269
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:21,661
No, it doesn't do anything.
270
00:10:24,795 --> 00:10:26,753
I still cannot slumber.
271
00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:28,755
Colin Robinson, are you slumbering?
272
00:10:28,799 --> 00:10:30,801
No. And stop asking me.
273
00:10:30,844 --> 00:10:32,716
Are you slumbering in there?!
274
00:10:32,759 --> 00:10:35,327
We are having a very hard
time trying to slumber!
275
00:10:35,370 --> 00:10:38,069
Yes, we are also unable to slumber!
276
00:10:38,112 --> 00:10:39,679
Guillermo, are you slumbering?
277
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,594
Guillermo.
278
00:10:41,638 --> 00:10:45,119
Guillermo, wake up! I asked
you, are you slumbering?
279
00:10:46,294 --> 00:10:48,253
What is this?
280
00:10:48,296 --> 00:10:49,733
Oh, shit.
281
00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:51,299
Shit. No.
282
00:10:52,344 --> 00:10:54,172
Shit. Shit!
283
00:10:54,215 --> 00:10:55,608
My ancestral soil!
284
00:10:55,652 --> 00:10:57,001
It is gone!
285
00:10:57,044 --> 00:10:59,046
Our ancestral soil is also gone!
286
00:10:59,090 --> 00:11:01,788
What the piss in hell is happening?!
287
00:11:01,832 --> 00:11:04,008
You know how it is when you have
288
00:11:04,051 --> 00:11:06,314
the binge-watch blinders on.
289
00:11:06,358 --> 00:11:09,100
I got caught up in a show
that I'm obsessed with,
290
00:11:09,143 --> 00:11:12,016
and they only air it here at the hotel.
291
00:11:12,059 --> 00:11:13,495
♪ Roll the dice ♪
292
00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:15,019
♪ Spin that wheel... ♪
293
00:11:15,062 --> 00:11:17,630
Anyway, housekeeping came in, and...
294
00:11:17,674 --> 00:11:19,676
I-I didn't notice what she was doing.
295
00:11:19,719 --> 00:11:21,329
♪ The sushi's raw ♪
296
00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:24,332
♪ Catch a show and hit the spa. ♪
297
00:11:25,725 --> 00:11:27,771
- This is very bad.
- "Very bad"?!
298
00:11:27,814 --> 00:11:29,642
This is a fucking catastrophe!
299
00:11:29,686 --> 00:11:31,426
If our ancestral soil is gone,
300
00:11:31,470 --> 00:11:33,211
then we cannot rest! If we cannot rest,
301
00:11:33,254 --> 00:11:34,299
then our powers...
302
00:11:34,342 --> 00:11:35,779
I can't even say it.
303
00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:37,911
Our powers are poof! Gone!
304
00:11:37,955 --> 00:11:39,609
I can feel my powers fading.
305
00:11:39,652 --> 00:11:40,740
Bat!
306
00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:44,657
A fucking sparrow.
307
00:11:44,701 --> 00:11:46,528
The lamest of all birds.
308
00:11:46,572 --> 00:11:47,834
There is but one solution.
309
00:11:47,878 --> 00:11:49,575
Guillermo,
310
00:11:49,619 --> 00:11:51,882
you must go on a journey,
311
00:11:51,925 --> 00:11:52,926
a quest.
312
00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:54,232
How do you feel about that?
313
00:11:54,275 --> 00:11:55,320
Uh...
314
00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:56,843
Good. Will the roads
315
00:11:56,887 --> 00:11:59,193
- be treacherous?
Yes. - Yes. - Yes!
316
00:11:59,237 --> 00:12:01,979
- Maybe I shouldn't...
- Will there be foes at every turn?
317
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:03,676
- Most certainly.
- Yes. Yes.
318
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,286
- I have a lot of enemies.
- Don't like that.
319
00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:07,811
But you are the only
one that can save us.
320
00:12:07,854 --> 00:12:08,986
Are you man enough?
321
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,029
Uh...
322
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,162
Good.
323
00:12:11,205 --> 00:12:12,729
- He's my best friend.
- Please.
324
00:12:12,772 --> 00:12:14,078
No, I'm your best friend.
325
00:12:14,121 --> 00:12:15,645
My hypnosis powers are buggered.
326
00:12:15,688 --> 00:12:17,298
So I have to look elsewhere
327
00:12:17,342 --> 00:12:19,474
to secure Gizmo's travel money.
328
00:12:19,518 --> 00:12:23,261
Could this ruin the greatest
friendship of my life?
329
00:12:23,304 --> 00:12:25,698
- Seanie!
- Hey.
330
00:12:25,742 --> 00:12:28,266
Hey, Laz. What are you
doing?! Get the "D" back!
331
00:12:28,309 --> 00:12:31,138
I need to borrow your credit
card and not tell you why.
332
00:12:32,139 --> 00:12:34,098
You can't tell me why
333
00:12:34,141 --> 00:12:35,926
you need to borrow my credit card?
334
00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:39,320
No explanation necessary.
335
00:12:39,364 --> 00:12:40,974
- Really?
- You're my best friend.
336
00:12:41,018 --> 00:12:43,063
Oh, Marone. Are you kidding me?
337
00:12:43,107 --> 00:12:45,065
Fucking Knicks. They'll
break your heart every time.
338
00:12:45,109 --> 00:12:46,719
But I can't quit 'em.
You know what I mean?
339
00:12:46,763 --> 00:12:47,900
- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, you're gonna have
340
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,244
to pay me back, like,
right away. ASAP, okay?
341
00:12:50,288 --> 00:12:53,291
'Cause the Patrick Ewing
commemorative Discover Card,
342
00:12:53,334 --> 00:12:54,640
that's for emergencies only.
343
00:12:54,684 --> 00:12:56,468
Get it back soon. Listen, I trust you.
344
00:12:56,511 --> 00:12:58,122
You're my main man. I'd die for you.
345
00:12:58,165 --> 00:12:59,558
Thanks again.
346
00:13:01,473 --> 00:13:04,432
Yeah, I know that collecting
dirt is shit work, but...
347
00:13:04,476 --> 00:13:06,739
I've never been to Europe before, so...
348
00:13:09,263 --> 00:13:10,700
- Seanie.
- Yeah.
349
00:13:10,743 --> 00:13:13,441
The past 20 years have
not always been easy.
350
00:13:13,485 --> 00:13:16,053
We are trapped in an eternal limbo
351
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:19,578
at the Monaco Grand
Hotel and Casino facility.
352
00:13:19,621 --> 00:13:21,145
... our roses and our thorns.
353
00:13:21,188 --> 00:13:22,842
Oh, look at that.
354
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,758
Oh, she already drank so much.
355
00:13:25,802 --> 00:13:27,455
Our powers are waning, and our minds
356
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:29,936
are turning into a thick, lumpy soup.
357
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:31,459
Yes, you have to say you're...
358
00:13:31,503 --> 00:13:34,724
It is like hot onion water.
359
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,770
And then you put that in my
head and that's my brain now.
360
00:13:37,814 --> 00:13:39,815
In the name of Jesus Christ.
361
00:13:41,774 --> 00:13:43,907
As the pages fall from the calendar,
362
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:45,778
we can do nothing but wait...
363
00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,780
No!
364
00:13:47,824 --> 00:13:50,609
... amongst the broken tulips
365
00:13:50,652 --> 00:13:52,306
in the Garden State.
366
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:55,788
Vow renewal ceremonies.
367
00:13:55,832 --> 00:13:57,790
Too long. They're too long.
368
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:59,749
And I pronounce you man and wife.
369
00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:00,967
Pointless.
370
00:14:01,011 --> 00:14:02,621
It has been weeks since any of us
371
00:14:02,664 --> 00:14:05,015
have had even a moment of slumber.
372
00:14:05,058 --> 00:14:07,452
It's actually been only, like, 14 hours,
373
00:14:07,495 --> 00:14:09,454
but they get a little punchy
374
00:14:09,497 --> 00:14:11,195
when they don't get their sleep.
375
00:14:11,238 --> 00:14:12,718
Three, two, one.
376
00:14:12,762 --> 00:14:14,459
- Cheese.
- Cheese. Let's do it.
377
00:14:14,502 --> 00:14:16,156
Cheese!
378
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,681
Okay, here we are
in... jolly ole England.
379
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,074
I'm in London, mate.
380
00:14:21,118 --> 00:14:22,293
Oh, that's not good.
381
00:14:22,336 --> 00:14:23,598
Just got to get this dirt.
382
00:14:23,642 --> 00:14:25,078
So I'm gonna put you guys down here.
383
00:14:25,122 --> 00:14:28,255
I'm just here for
British dirt for Laszlo.
384
00:14:28,299 --> 00:14:29,735
All right.
385
00:14:29,779 --> 00:14:31,911
Back on the plane.
386
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,784
- This Big Bang Theory is really very good.
- Bazinga.
387
00:14:34,827 --> 00:14:37,003
Very faithful to the slot machine.
388
00:14:37,047 --> 00:14:38,613
- Yeah.
- For the last time,
389
00:14:38,657 --> 00:14:43,662
can you turn this TV down?!
390
00:14:43,705 --> 00:14:46,578
Laszlo can be a real Leonard sometimes,
391
00:14:46,621 --> 00:14:48,058
- can't he?
- Mm-hmm.
392
00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:53,933
Laszlo is feeling very
badly for taking $7,539
393
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,806
from Sean for the airplane tickets.
394
00:14:56,849 --> 00:14:58,024
Like a cheap thief.
395
00:14:58,068 --> 00:14:59,460
- I need to sort this...
- Yeah.
396
00:14:59,504 --> 00:15:01,027
... and I need to sort it now.
397
00:15:01,071 --> 00:15:02,289
Bazinga!
398
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:03,943
Shut up!
399
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,945
What are you doing, playing
Ping-Pong or basketball?!
400
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,817
- Come on!
- Seanie...
401
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:09,122
Yeah. Hey, Laz.
402
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,254
Good to see you.
403
00:15:10,297 --> 00:15:11,298
Fuck! Fuck me!
404
00:15:11,342 --> 00:15:13,300
Are you fucking kidding me?!
405
00:15:13,344 --> 00:15:15,389
Learn how to use the board!
406
00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:16,433
Geez...
407
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:17,914
Are you okay?
408
00:15:17,957 --> 00:15:19,785
Listen, Laz, can I be honest with you?
409
00:15:19,829 --> 00:15:20,873
Of course.
410
00:15:20,917 --> 00:15:23,049
I used to have a...
411
00:15:23,093 --> 00:15:24,921
big-time gambling problem.
412
00:15:24,964 --> 00:15:26,705
- Right.
- Like, big-time. You know, I promised Charmaine,
413
00:15:26,748 --> 00:15:28,968
you know, I said, "Hey,
listen, we go down to AC,
414
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:30,927
- I'll be good this time."
- Right.
415
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:32,580
And then I have just blown all the money
416
00:15:32,624 --> 00:15:34,669
that we were gonna use for the new deck.
417
00:15:34,713 --> 00:15:37,455
And we still owe money for
that stupid vow renewal.
418
00:15:37,498 --> 00:15:39,022
And I've lost all of our money.
419
00:15:39,065 --> 00:15:41,067
There's no money, Laz.
420
00:15:41,111 --> 00:15:42,547
I got to make it back.
421
00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:45,811
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
422
00:15:45,855 --> 00:15:48,640
She's gonna leave me, Laz.
423
00:15:48,683 --> 00:15:49,902
She's gonna leave me.
424
00:15:49,946 --> 00:15:52,383
Yeah, yeah.
425
00:15:52,426 --> 00:15:55,821
What good is some
soil from your homeland
426
00:15:55,865 --> 00:15:58,955
when your best friend in
the whole world is suffering?
427
00:15:58,998 --> 00:16:01,435
Seanie... !
428
00:16:02,393 --> 00:16:03,960
And then it hit me.
429
00:16:04,003 --> 00:16:08,268
I know a few bambinos who are
absolutely rolling in the dough-re-mi.
430
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:10,488
Surely they won't miss a few clams.
431
00:16:10,531 --> 00:16:13,012
Oh, this has been such a scream,
432
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,928
catching up with
you old so-and-sos.
433
00:16:15,972 --> 00:16:18,452
Unfortunately, I cannot hypnotize them
434
00:16:18,496 --> 00:16:20,411
due to my weakened state. But...
435
00:16:20,454 --> 00:16:24,589
I can definitely use my
greatest non-vampiric power,
436
00:16:24,632 --> 00:16:27,374
my irresistible charms.
437
00:16:27,418 --> 00:16:30,508
How's about you guys give
me all the money you have?
438
00:16:30,551 --> 00:16:32,945
- Hey, boys?
- I don't think so, sugar.
439
00:16:32,989 --> 00:16:35,121
You don't think so?
440
00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:36,775
Well, I do think so!
441
00:16:36,818 --> 00:16:40,525
'Cause if you don't empty your
motherfucking wallets right now,
442
00:16:40,526 --> 00:16:42,824
I'm going to empty all
of you of your lives!
443
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,783
Kill you! Kill you dead!
444
00:16:44,826 --> 00:16:46,741
That's right.
445
00:16:46,785 --> 00:16:47,829
Uh...
446
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:50,180
Just do it. She's... not well.
447
00:16:50,223 --> 00:16:52,260
- Yeah.
- Here you go, sugar.
448
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,733
My sweet maraschino cherry babies.
449
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:55,734
- Bye.
- Yeah.
450
00:16:55,735 --> 00:16:58,971
- Laszlo, get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, yeah. I say, Mr. Sinatra,
451
00:16:59,015 --> 00:17:01,060
forgive me, my mind's
a little foggy, but...
452
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,496
last time I looked,
453
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:04,542
you weren't Chinese.
454
00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:06,979
Ring-a-ding-ding.
455
00:17:07,023 --> 00:17:08,981
I stand corrected.
456
00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:12,115
You guys work with those
people? I need that dough.
457
00:17:13,464 --> 00:17:14,726
Here we go.
458
00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:16,423
Okay.
459
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:17,467
$20.
460
00:17:17,468 --> 00:17:19,252
$100. What?
461
00:17:19,296 --> 00:17:21,254
This is about $300.
462
00:17:21,298 --> 00:17:24,388
- Oh, fucking...
- 300 shitting dollars!
463
00:17:24,431 --> 00:17:25,955
My darling, don't explode,
464
00:17:25,998 --> 00:17:28,348
but are you quite sure
they're the real Rat Pack
465
00:17:28,392 --> 00:17:29,784
that you met years ago?
466
00:17:29,828 --> 00:17:31,917
What exactly are you trying to say?
467
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,484
Nothing. All good.
468
00:17:33,527 --> 00:17:36,095
Hello. I'm in Greece.
469
00:17:40,273 --> 00:17:42,449
Aeropuerto... airport... can
we go to the airport, please?
470
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:43,973
Thank you.
471
00:17:46,453 --> 00:17:47,541
Hey.
472
00:17:47,585 --> 00:17:49,326
Look at that.
473
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,676
You got a couple Koothrappalis,
474
00:17:51,719 --> 00:17:54,157
a Hofstadter, and four Wolowitzes.
475
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,941
Oh, and Penny. Not bad.
476
00:17:55,985 --> 00:17:58,422
Do you know what I have been
wondering, Colin Robinson?
477
00:17:58,465 --> 00:18:02,992
- What's that?
- Why do they call it The Big Bang Theory?
478
00:18:03,035 --> 00:18:05,516
It's about the creation of the universe.
479
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:07,779
The what?
480
00:18:08,722 --> 00:18:10,738
And in a single instant,
481
00:18:10,782 --> 00:18:13,828
my world was turned upside down.
482
00:18:13,872 --> 00:18:16,570
... hence the
Shaminovich-Cohen conjecture.
483
00:18:16,614 --> 00:18:19,225
I-I gave him the broad strokes,
484
00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:21,358
the heliocentric nuts and bolts,
485
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,881
uh, if you will.
486
00:18:22,924 --> 00:18:24,839
Has nothing to do with
cats, like you thought.
487
00:18:24,883 --> 00:18:26,841
But what about the four elephants?
488
00:18:26,885 --> 00:18:28,974
For 750 years,
489
00:18:29,018 --> 00:18:31,063
I believed I knew the truth:
490
00:18:31,107 --> 00:18:33,152
that the Earth rested upon the shoulders
491
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,589
of four mighty elephants...
492
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:37,374
Forget about the four elephants.
493
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,246
... who stood on a shell
of a large and noble turtle.
494
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,378
Look at the turtle.
495
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,985
- Uh-huh.
- And then four more elephants.
496
00:18:43,986 --> 00:18:47,775
... around which the sun and the
moon and all the stars revolve.
497
00:18:47,819 --> 00:18:50,952
But now, thanks to modern science,
498
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:54,521
Nandor understands that we're
all just temporary aggregations
499
00:18:54,565 --> 00:18:58,090
of dust and fluid
camping out on a big rock
500
00:18:58,134 --> 00:19:00,484
that's just one of an infinite number
501
00:19:00,527 --> 00:19:01,920
of equally unspecial
502
00:19:01,963 --> 00:19:05,228
big rocks that make up part
503
00:19:05,271 --> 00:19:07,534
of this vast and uncaring universe.
504
00:19:07,578 --> 00:19:08,927
This is science.
505
00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:10,400
But this is a turtle.
506
00:19:10,401 --> 00:19:14,889
The world which I have known
for seven and a half centuries...
507
00:19:14,933 --> 00:19:16,978
is a lie.
508
00:19:21,374 --> 00:19:22,767
Okay, so we're here at the border,
509
00:19:22,810 --> 00:19:24,551
and he's just talking to the soldier.
510
00:19:24,595 --> 00:19:26,075
While he's doing that, I'm gonna go...
511
00:19:26,118 --> 00:19:27,337
Okay.
512
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:28,947
Just gonna get some dirt right here.
513
00:19:28,990 --> 00:19:30,166
Just gonna get...
514
00:19:30,209 --> 00:19:32,124
We got to go.
515
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,317
Hours pass,
516
00:19:35,361 --> 00:19:37,450
but the cosmic words of Colin Robinson
517
00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:40,496
are still bouncing around
my slumberless head.
518
00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,672
Really makes you think.
519
00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:45,501
What's the point of it all?
520
00:19:45,545 --> 00:19:47,851
What does it mean to be a vampire?
521
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:50,854
I mean, we have no real families.
522
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,770
Some of us don't even have girlfriends.
523
00:19:53,814 --> 00:19:57,034
Even Sheldon had a girlfriend.
524
00:19:57,078 --> 00:20:00,211
But me? I am all alone,
525
00:20:00,255 --> 00:20:03,911
floating through the
cold, dark universe like...
526
00:20:03,954 --> 00:20:06,522
a little grain of furry sand.
527
00:20:10,964 --> 00:20:12,444
I got 'em.
528
00:20:12,488 --> 00:20:14,228
One, two, three.
529
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:15,272
- I got them al...
- Something to drink?
530
00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:16,840
No, thank you!
531
00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:21,932
I'm back! And I brought every...
532
00:20:21,975 --> 00:20:24,325
What happened... here?
533
00:20:24,369 --> 00:20:27,154
I have caused my best human friend Sean
534
00:20:27,198 --> 00:20:30,070
to be on the brink of
financial ruin and heartache.
535
00:20:30,114 --> 00:20:32,377
We are just like my beloved Rat Pack...
536
00:20:32,421 --> 00:20:34,901
once glorious, now pathetic peasants.
537
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:36,990
And, also, I have never felt
538
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:39,732
so small, and what is
the point of anything?
539
00:20:39,776 --> 00:20:42,822
They won't let me watch my
favorite TV show with the sound up.
540
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:44,868
Okay.
541
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,218
First things first, you need to slumber.
542
00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:49,655
- Huh?
- Here you go. And while you're slumbering,
543
00:20:49,699 --> 00:20:52,266
- I'll think of a plan.
- But, first,
544
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:55,356
scatter the soil around
our insignificant bodies.
545
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,664
No. First, turn up the sound
on my fancy casino show.
546
00:21:00,231 --> 00:21:01,885
♪ Roll the dice ♪
547
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,626
♪ Spin that wheel ♪
548
00:21:03,669 --> 00:21:06,411
♪ Double down on a lucky deal ♪
549
00:21:06,455 --> 00:21:08,108
♪ Feel the breeze where ♪
550
00:21:08,152 --> 00:21:11,416
♪ The boardwalk meets the shore... ♪
551
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:13,287
Before we get started,
should we go around the group,
552
00:21:13,331 --> 00:21:14,767
see how everyone's energy is doing?
553
00:21:14,811 --> 00:21:17,600
- No. Fuck off.
- Okay. Back to normal then.
554
00:21:17,601 --> 00:21:19,946
So, at 6:47, I'm gonna
go down to the box office.
555
00:21:19,990 --> 00:21:21,470
I'm gonna buy our tickets for the fight.
556
00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:23,515
- Yes, Guillermo, we've got it.
- Okay, okay.
557
00:21:23,559 --> 00:21:25,430
- Just want to make sure everyone knows what the plan is.
- Honestly,
558
00:21:25,474 --> 00:21:27,171
sometimes I just think you love
the sound of your own voice.
559
00:21:27,214 --> 00:21:28,738
You know what? Let's go.
560
00:21:28,781 --> 00:21:30,609
Let's... let's do the plan.
561
00:21:30,653 --> 00:21:33,046
I wasn't really listening, so if
you wouldn't mind repeating it.
562
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:36,528
Master, what are you gonna do?
563
00:21:36,572 --> 00:21:39,313
I am to meet my mark...
Eli Jackson the boxer...
564
00:21:39,357 --> 00:21:42,752
by the main elevator
at 6:52 in the p.m.'s.
565
00:21:42,795 --> 00:21:45,015
Shit.
566
00:21:45,058 --> 00:21:46,625
Going down.
567
00:21:46,669 --> 00:21:49,236
Into my hypnotic trance.
568
00:21:50,847 --> 00:21:52,813
- Laszlo?
- At 6:55,
569
00:21:52,857 --> 00:21:54,981
I hypnotize "Arturio" Rodriguez.
570
00:21:55,125 --> 00:21:58,607
Mr. Rodriguez, could I have
a self-portrait photograph?
571
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:00,652
Splendid.
572
00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:02,741
Piece of piss.
573
00:22:02,785 --> 00:22:05,439
It is 6:59.
574
00:22:05,483 --> 00:22:07,659
Time to place a nice, simple bet.
575
00:22:07,703 --> 00:22:08,834
Hello!
576
00:22:08,878 --> 00:22:11,315
And in the red corner,
577
00:22:11,358 --> 00:22:13,230
- heavyweight champion...
- At 8:00 p.m., we all take our seats
578
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:14,405
at the fight.
579
00:22:16,363 --> 00:22:19,192
Ten seconds into round six,
580
00:22:19,236 --> 00:22:20,236
I trigger the hypnosis of the two
581
00:22:20,237 --> 00:22:22,500
very large warrior men by crying out...
582
00:22:22,543 --> 00:22:25,024
♪ Ain't that a kick in the ♪
583
00:22:25,068 --> 00:22:28,114
♪ Head... ? ♪
584
00:22:31,770 --> 00:22:32,858
No!
585
00:22:32,902 --> 00:22:35,469
- It worked!
- Yes!
586
00:22:35,513 --> 00:22:37,384
- Look at that!
- Yes!
587
00:22:37,428 --> 00:22:40,605
And that is why Frankie said
that I should be the Voice.
588
00:22:42,955 --> 00:22:45,349
23...
589
00:22:45,392 --> 00:22:46,742
Benjamin Franklin.
590
00:22:46,785 --> 00:22:49,005
A lot of people think he was president.
591
00:22:49,048 --> 00:22:50,528
They're wrong. He was an ambassador.
592
00:22:50,571 --> 00:22:52,051
24... Stay with me.
593
00:22:52,095 --> 00:22:53,705
Stay... I...
594
00:22:53,749 --> 00:22:56,186
Shoot. Now I lost my spot.
595
00:22:56,229 --> 00:22:58,710
- Uh, how does it... ?
- You have to step on it.
596
00:22:58,754 --> 00:23:00,494
- I'm on. I'm on!
- Just...
597
00:23:00,538 --> 00:23:02,583
- What is happening? Am I flying?
- Just hold on to this.
598
00:23:02,627 --> 00:23:04,455
- Possessed by witches.
- Nadja, turn around, turn around.
599
00:23:04,498 --> 00:23:05,761
- Jump, jump, jump, jump.
- Keep moving. Leap.
600
00:23:05,761 --> 00:23:08,154
There he is. Sean.
601
00:23:08,198 --> 00:23:09,503
Hey, Laz. What's going on?
602
00:23:09,547 --> 00:23:10,766
A gentleman's debt,
603
00:23:10,809 --> 00:23:13,725
repaid in full.
604
00:23:13,769 --> 00:23:16,162
Oh!
605
00:23:16,206 --> 00:23:17,773
Oh, my God!
606
00:23:17,816 --> 00:23:19,644
Laz, you're a lifesaver!
607
00:23:19,688 --> 00:23:21,733
Thank you. You don't
know what you just did.
608
00:23:21,777 --> 00:23:23,779
I could kiss you. And I promise you,
609
00:23:23,822 --> 00:23:26,085
I'm never, ever, ever
gonna do this again.
610
00:23:26,129 --> 00:23:27,826
- I promise you guys. That's it. I'm done.
- Mm.
611
00:23:27,870 --> 00:23:30,176
- I'm never gambling again. I'm a new man.
- Good.
612
00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:32,265
- Good man.
- All right. You guys are lifesavers.
613
00:23:32,309 --> 00:23:34,398
- Oh, thank God.
- We just did such a wonderful thing, my love.
614
00:23:34,441 --> 00:23:36,226
I think we did.
615
00:23:41,492 --> 00:23:44,538
Put it all on lucky number 12!
616
00:23:44,582 --> 00:23:49,195
♪ Life spins like a wheel ♪
617
00:23:49,239 --> 00:23:50,849
♪ You bet ♪
618
00:23:50,893 --> 00:23:53,547
♪ Just what you feel ♪
619
00:23:53,591 --> 00:23:56,202
♪ The chance ♪
620
00:23:56,246 --> 00:23:58,857
♪ Life is the chance... ♪
621
00:23:58,901 --> 00:24:00,554
I didn't want a pine
deck, and now I'm stuck
622
00:24:00,598 --> 00:24:01,642
with a freakin' pine deck.
623
00:24:01,686 --> 00:24:03,732
Oh, that's a hell of a beaver.
624
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,275
- Charmaine...
- What the fuck? You bet the deck?
625
00:24:05,298 --> 00:24:07,039
You did a very good job, Guillermo.
626
00:24:07,083 --> 00:24:08,562
Oh. Thank you.
627
00:24:08,606 --> 00:24:11,043
This is from all of us.
628
00:24:12,218 --> 00:24:13,219
What-what is this?
629
00:24:13,263 --> 00:24:14,655
Surprise.
630
00:24:14,699 --> 00:24:16,919
"You are a very good familiar."
631
00:24:16,962 --> 00:24:20,226
And "familiar" is crossed out
and replaced with "bodyguard."
632
00:24:20,270 --> 00:24:21,837
- You are the bodyguard.
- Bodyguard.
633
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,752
We're all a big family here.
634
00:24:45,382 --> 00:24:47,819
♪ With the turn of a card
and the flip of a coin ♪
635
00:24:47,863 --> 00:24:49,342
♪ You're in love ♪
636
00:24:50,387 --> 00:24:53,346
♪ With the turn of a card, ha ♪
637
00:24:53,390 --> 00:24:55,348
♪ Flip of a coin, ha ♪
638
00:24:55,392 --> 00:24:57,394
♪ Ha, love! ♪
639
00:25:40,611 --> 00:25:45,834
I did not have sexual
relations with that woman.
640
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:56,980
I think this is gonna be the perfect
place to work without distraction.
641
00:25:57,589 --> 00:25:59,852
This place inspires us.
642
00:26:02,507 --> 00:26:03,856
We're not safe here.
643
00:26:05,379 --> 00:26:08,426
It takes pain to make beautiful things.
644
00:26:08,469 --> 00:26:10,471
I'm trying to keep his family together
645
00:26:10,515 --> 00:26:13,300
under very difficult circumstances
646
00:26:23,615 --> 00:26:25,399
You're probably wondering
what we're doing.
647
00:26:25,443 --> 00:26:26,923
Short answer, saving the earth.
648
00:26:26,966 --> 00:26:28,577
Again.
649
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:29,795
I'm not leaving without you.
650
00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:32,102
I need something soft to land on.
651
00:26:39,022 --> 00:26:41,981
We've heard rumors
that some men survived.
652
00:26:42,025 --> 00:26:43,896
Those people will jump at anything
653
00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:45,768
that has a whiff of conspiracy.
654
00:26:45,811 --> 00:26:46,943
So you'd better be sure.
655
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:53,000
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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