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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:22,184 --> 00:00:23,252 So, 2 00:00:23,285 --> 00:00:25,320 today is our first day on the job 3 00:00:25,354 --> 00:00:28,290 as leaders of the Vampiric Council. 4 00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:32,628 Nadja and I have agreed to work together as a team. 5 00:00:35,364 --> 00:00:40,068 For now, I am letting Nandor think that we are "sharing power." 6 00:00:40,102 --> 00:00:42,704 But there can only be one Supreme Leader, 7 00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:44,940 and I will do whatever it takes. 8 00:00:44,973 --> 00:00:48,377 That is how you are the only one that survives out of 17 children. 9 00:00:48,410 --> 00:00:53,415 I admire Nadja's decisiveness and how loud she is. 10 00:00:53,449 --> 00:00:56,351 But I am the more experienced leader. 11 00:00:56,385 --> 00:00:59,588 Eventually, I will make her my number two. 12 00:00:59,621 --> 00:01:01,690 So you're saying you... 13 00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:03,358 you need to make a number two? 14 00:01:03,392 --> 00:01:06,328 Indeed. Not right now but soon. 15 00:01:06,361 --> 00:01:08,297 It's not something you should force. 16 00:01:08,330 --> 00:01:10,265 But you're saying it's important 17 00:01:10,299 --> 00:01:13,235 to have a really good number two. 18 00:01:13,268 --> 00:01:14,937 Yes. 19 00:01:14,970 --> 00:01:17,039 There's nothing funny about a firm number two. 20 00:01:17,072 --> 00:01:19,608 What was the plan again? 21 00:01:19,641 --> 00:01:23,312 The plan is that I... Nandor The Relentless... 22 00:01:23,345 --> 00:01:27,182 will sit on my throne and make a number two. 23 00:01:27,216 --> 00:01:29,585 Okay, get out. 24 00:01:57,547 --> 00:02:02,547 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 25 00:02:09,591 --> 00:02:12,661 Now, down here we have the medium security cells 26 00:02:12,694 --> 00:02:15,431 and the various abattoirs. 27 00:02:15,464 --> 00:02:18,300 Be sure to reserve your spot on the sign-in sheet 28 00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:20,502 'cause the abattoirs get crazy busy. 29 00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:23,205 Okay, now, over here we have the break room. 30 00:02:23,238 --> 00:02:26,108 Now, make sure that you label your snacks 31 00:02:26,141 --> 00:02:28,377 because we throw everything out every Friday. 32 00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:30,275 - Oh! - Oh! Yummy, yummy. 33 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,445 And behind this door... 34 00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:36,448 the Chamber of Curiosities. 35 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:40,685 The treasures of many generations of vampires 36 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:44,656 gathered from around the world and collected here. 37 00:02:44,689 --> 00:02:48,760 Ageless, timeless, marvelous artifacts. 38 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,395 But be warned: 39 00:02:50,428 --> 00:02:51,830 some of this stuff is inordinately powerful 40 00:02:51,863 --> 00:02:54,399 and not to be monkeyed about with! 41 00:02:54,432 --> 00:02:55,901 - Don't fuck with that! - Colin Robinson. 42 00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,403 - What a Charlie. - But some of it is just for fun. 43 00:02:58,436 --> 00:03:00,372 Does this look familiar? 44 00:03:00,405 --> 00:03:02,707 No. What is it? 45 00:03:02,741 --> 00:03:05,076 Oh, only Van Helsing's dick. 46 00:03:05,110 --> 00:03:07,012 Come on, Guillermo. 47 00:03:07,045 --> 00:03:08,747 Not everyone is lucky enough 48 00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:12,384 to hold their great-great-great- great-grandfather's penis 49 00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:13,718 - in their hands. - Hmm. 50 00:03:13,752 --> 00:03:15,754 I know I certainly would have liked to. 51 00:03:15,787 --> 00:03:17,856 What the hell was that? 52 00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:19,591 Let us hush our voices, all right? 53 00:03:19,624 --> 00:03:21,092 We don't want to rile him. 54 00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:24,596 Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire. 55 00:03:24,629 --> 00:03:27,365 - The actual Sire? - The Sire? 56 00:03:27,399 --> 00:03:29,100 - The one and only. - Who-who's The Sire? 57 00:03:29,134 --> 00:03:33,371 The Sire is the oldest living vampire in the world. 58 00:03:33,405 --> 00:03:36,441 He's the vampire from which all other vampires have descended. 59 00:03:36,474 --> 00:03:37,776 All of them. 60 00:03:37,809 --> 00:03:40,111 Do not ever open this door. 61 00:03:40,145 --> 00:03:42,681 Peekaboo. 62 00:03:42,714 --> 00:03:45,617 As I was saying, 63 00:03:45,650 --> 00:03:46,952 - Do not ever open... - Open the door. 64 00:03:46,985 --> 00:03:48,453 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. 65 00:03:49,721 --> 00:03:51,690 Ooh. What is this? 66 00:03:51,723 --> 00:03:53,859 Don't monkey about with that! 67 00:03:53,892 --> 00:03:55,760 - This is the Cloak of Duplication. - The what? 68 00:03:55,794 --> 00:03:57,429 Everyone, you might want to see this. 69 00:03:57,462 --> 00:03:59,030 It's pretty cool. 70 00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:00,732 - I'll show you. - Duplication? 71 00:04:00,765 --> 00:04:02,067 Observe. 72 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,869 Boop. 73 00:04:06,905 --> 00:04:09,474 - See? Crazy, right? - Good Lord. 74 00:04:09,508 --> 00:04:11,376 Amazing. 75 00:04:11,409 --> 00:04:13,411 A magical cloak that makes the wearer 76 00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,013 instantly much more good-looking. 77 00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,648 That is a matter of opinion. 78 00:04:16,681 --> 00:04:17,749 I am kidding. 79 00:04:17,782 --> 00:04:20,719 I get the principle that it makes someone look like someone else. 80 00:04:20,752 --> 00:04:22,587 Very good. 81 00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:24,723 - Oh, it's you again. - But no one should touch it. 82 00:04:24,756 --> 00:04:26,124 Even I, full-time staff, 83 00:04:26,157 --> 00:04:28,026 should not be monkeying about with it. 84 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:31,530 And over here is the familiars' room. 85 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,732 You can store him here until the end of the workday. 86 00:04:33,765 --> 00:04:34,799 Scoot, scoot. 87 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,601 He's not actually a familiar. 88 00:04:36,635 --> 00:04:38,603 - He is our bodyguard. - Bodyguard. 89 00:04:38,637 --> 00:04:41,740 We cannot allow a human to wander free here. 90 00:04:41,773 --> 00:04:43,675 Unless you are making him a vampire. 91 00:04:43,708 --> 00:04:45,477 - Not a chance. Absolutely not. - No, absolutely not. No. 92 00:04:45,510 --> 00:04:47,078 - That was a really quick answer. - Sorry, Guillermo. 93 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,014 There's nothing we can do. 94 00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:50,448 Scoot, scoot. 95 00:04:50,482 --> 00:04:51,683 And the door stays open, I'm assum... 96 00:04:51,716 --> 00:04:53,118 - Hey. What? - Buh-bye. 97 00:04:53,151 --> 00:04:55,854 I feel much better about that. 98 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,358 - Hell's bells. - Shit. 99 00:05:01,188 --> 00:05:03,024 My giddy aunt. 100 00:05:03,057 --> 00:05:05,255 To the scholar of the printed page, this place is Valhalla. 101 00:05:05,256 --> 00:05:07,825 And what I'd dismissed as rumor is actually true, 102 00:05:07,858 --> 00:05:10,160 for this Vampiric Council holds the world's 103 00:05:10,194 --> 00:05:14,031 oldest and largest collection of pornography. 104 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,033 The Knobnomicon. 105 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,202 Everything a chap and chapess 106 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,803 would need to know about fellatio. 107 00:05:19,837 --> 00:05:21,138 What else have we got? 108 00:05:21,171 --> 00:05:23,140 Gutenberg's... oh, yes... Vaginaria. 109 00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:25,209 That's an original. 110 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:28,278 Oh, this is, uh, Tocqueville's Lusty Discharge Pamphlet, 111 00:05:28,312 --> 00:05:30,681 with discharge on it, by the feel of it. 112 00:05:30,714 --> 00:05:32,549 Egypt's Longest Penises. 113 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:35,953 Roy Cohn, Esquire's 169 Sex Positions. 114 00:05:35,986 --> 00:05:37,254 Bet you didn't know that existed. 115 00:05:37,287 --> 00:05:38,756 What's this? 116 00:05:38,789 --> 00:05:41,025 Aristotle's Book of Poetics Two. 117 00:05:41,058 --> 00:05:42,559 Is that code? 118 00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:43,927 No. 119 00:05:43,961 --> 00:05:45,262 Hey, I found them! 120 00:05:45,295 --> 00:05:47,164 - The archives. - Okay. 121 00:05:47,197 --> 00:05:50,934 This year, I am turning 100 years old. 122 00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:53,771 It's kind of got me in a reflective mood. 123 00:05:53,804 --> 00:05:55,806 Everything you want to know about vampires 124 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,775 and vampire lineage, it's right here. 125 00:05:57,808 --> 00:05:59,777 There's so much I want to know. 126 00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:01,045 Where do I come from? 127 00:06:02,312 --> 00:06:04,715 How did I become an energy vampire? 128 00:06:04,748 --> 00:06:07,117 Was I turned, 129 00:06:07,151 --> 00:06:09,920 or in the words of Stefani Germanotta, 130 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,955 was I born this way? 131 00:06:11,989 --> 00:06:15,526 I said to myself, "Colin," 132 00:06:15,559 --> 00:06:17,261 I says. I says, 133 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,897 "Before you turn 100 years old, 134 00:06:19,930 --> 00:06:21,965 you are going to find out who you are 135 00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:24,201 and where you come from." 136 00:06:24,234 --> 00:06:25,903 Uh, I says. 137 00:06:25,936 --> 00:06:27,838 The deets have got to be in here. 138 00:06:27,871 --> 00:06:28,972 I mean, this is 139 00:06:29,006 --> 00:06:30,808 a climate-controlled fortress, 140 00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:34,178 built to preserve documents, for all eternity. 141 00:06:34,211 --> 00:06:35,746 So it's... 142 00:06:35,779 --> 00:06:37,181 What-what are you doing? 143 00:06:37,214 --> 00:06:38,982 Why are you ripping that page out of that book? 144 00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:41,785 I'll wank my way, and you wank yours. 145 00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:06,910 Oh, wow. It's really dusty in here. 146 00:07:06,944 --> 00:07:10,147 Time for your official council vestments, eh? 147 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,049 Hey, easy there. 148 00:07:12,082 --> 00:07:13,884 It's a robe. 149 00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:16,520 - Why do you need my inseam? - He's a 44 long! 150 00:07:16,553 --> 00:07:17,788 You'll probably have to take it in at the waist 151 00:07:17,821 --> 00:07:18,922 and out in the shoulders. 152 00:07:18,956 --> 00:07:20,724 Hey, get out of the vent! 153 00:07:20,758 --> 00:07:22,192 Tell your familiar to get out of the vent. 154 00:07:22,226 --> 00:07:23,794 He's not a familiar. He's a bodyguard. 155 00:07:23,827 --> 00:07:25,496 Get out of the vent, Guillermo! 156 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:26,930 He's a rascal. 157 00:07:26,964 --> 00:07:29,266 Get out of the vent. Go back into your room. 158 00:07:29,299 --> 00:07:31,068 Little rascal. 159 00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:33,137 All right, your alterations will be ready momentarily. 160 00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:36,607 - Great. - Until then, you may peruse our collection of oddities 161 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,976 while I deal with the water and power company 162 00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:42,246 about some discrepancies in our latest bill. 163 00:07:42,279 --> 00:07:44,081 I was wondering if I could talk to you about... 164 00:07:44,114 --> 00:07:46,583 The moment I saw the Cloak of Duplication 165 00:07:46,617 --> 00:07:50,087 I knew it was the answer to my romantic difficulties. 166 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,624 You see, I've been struggling with my girlfriend, Meg. 167 00:07:53,657 --> 00:07:56,627 She is not actually my girlfriend yet. 168 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:58,729 Meg works at Massive Fitness, 169 00:07:58,762 --> 00:08:02,866 a 24-hour gymnasium I used to attend. 170 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:08,038 Back when I was commanding an army, 171 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:10,107 the soldiers and I would strip naked 172 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,775 and challenge each other 173 00:08:11,809 --> 00:08:14,044 to various feats of endurance and strength. 174 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:18,849 The men at Massive Fitness 24-hour gymnasium, 175 00:08:18,882 --> 00:08:21,752 they're not really interested in any of that. 176 00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:24,855 Don't seem to notice each other much, 177 00:08:24,888 --> 00:08:27,624 or admire each other's bodies. 178 00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,060 - Oops. - The best thing about 179 00:08:32,061 --> 00:08:33,497 Massive Fitness 24-hour gymnasium 180 00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:36,700 is the connection I have with Meg. 181 00:08:36,734 --> 00:08:38,635 She has shown me much kindness. 182 00:08:38,669 --> 00:08:41,805 Unfortunately, we have not yet taken things to the next level. 183 00:08:41,839 --> 00:08:44,641 You're funny. 184 00:08:44,675 --> 00:08:46,610 Thank you for that compliment. 185 00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:47,878 And for the towel. 186 00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:49,913 I love your accent. Is it French? 187 00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,682 No. 188 00:08:51,715 --> 00:08:53,684 No, it is not. 189 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,922 I have never been very good 190 00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,891 at talking to modern women. 191 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:05,129 But fortunately, I know someone who can help. 192 00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:07,598 Laszlo. 193 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,566 - Laszlo. - Ah, yeah! 194 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,934 What do you want? 195 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:14,004 I have purloined the Cloak of Duplication. 196 00:09:14,038 --> 00:09:16,273 Laszlo is a real ladies' man. 197 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,742 He always knows how to talk to women. 198 00:09:18,776 --> 00:09:19,877 What? So hang on a second. 199 00:09:19,910 --> 00:09:21,011 You want me to put that on, 200 00:09:21,045 --> 00:09:22,680 - Mm. - turn into you, 201 00:09:22,713 --> 00:09:24,548 - Mm-hmm. - pull this young lady called Meg. 202 00:09:24,581 --> 00:09:26,684 - Yes, Meg. - Make love to her six ways till Chelsea. 203 00:09:26,717 --> 00:09:28,986 Come back here. High fives all 'round. 204 00:09:29,019 --> 00:09:31,121 No, no, no, just the first bit is fine. 205 00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:33,657 And then I'll take care of the rest. I'll leave it here. 206 00:09:35,292 --> 00:09:38,062 Nandor wants you to put that on, 207 00:09:38,095 --> 00:09:40,631 turn into him, pull this woman called Meg, 208 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:41,799 and then come back. 209 00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:44,134 I'd go myself, but... 210 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:45,769 I can't be fucked. 211 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,035 I've often fancied myself 212 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,171 quite the seducer, obviously. 213 00:09:54,204 --> 00:09:57,908 There's a technique called "negging" that I'm eager to try. 214 00:09:57,941 --> 00:10:01,979 I'd explain it to you, but you're probably too naive to understand it. 215 00:10:04,248 --> 00:10:05,883 How do I look? 216 00:10:05,916 --> 00:10:08,085 Never mind, your opinion doesn't matter. 217 00:10:08,118 --> 00:10:10,954 And now you're horny because you just got negged again. 218 00:10:14,058 --> 00:10:15,759 I can't see dick. 219 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,662 That's better. Watch and learn. 220 00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:21,265 Oh, hey, Nandor. 221 00:10:21,298 --> 00:10:22,866 I haven't seen you in a while. 222 00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:24,068 Hey, dipshit. 223 00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,636 Excuse me? 224 00:10:25,669 --> 00:10:28,138 Uh, there used to be a hot chick who worked here. 225 00:10:28,172 --> 00:10:29,740 Meg, I think? 226 00:10:29,773 --> 00:10:30,874 I'm Meg. 227 00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:33,644 You were hotter. 228 00:10:33,677 --> 00:10:35,012 What the fuck is your problem? 229 00:10:35,045 --> 00:10:37,347 Okay, calm down, toots. 230 00:10:37,381 --> 00:10:39,283 So sensitive. 231 00:10:39,316 --> 00:10:41,151 Let me cut to the chizzle: 232 00:10:41,185 --> 00:10:43,887 Life didn't turn out the way you planned. 233 00:10:43,921 --> 00:10:46,990 You're a fading beauty working nights at the gym. 234 00:10:47,024 --> 00:10:50,861 You've probably had a string of boyfriends 235 00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:54,665 who promised you the world, and then delivered it on a four-inch penis. 236 00:10:54,698 --> 00:10:56,033 Well, here's your chance. 237 00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:58,268 You can leave with me right now, 238 00:10:58,302 --> 00:11:02,139 or watch these hot buns walk out the door forever. 239 00:11:02,172 --> 00:11:04,141 Hang on. Let me just get my stuff. 240 00:11:04,174 --> 00:11:05,275 Okay, you do that. 241 00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:08,879 Just wait right here. 242 00:11:08,912 --> 00:11:10,147 These buns will be waiting for you. 243 00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:12,750 - Great. - Did you see that? 244 00:11:12,783 --> 00:11:16,720 My brain in this package, that poor kid never stood a chance. 245 00:11:16,754 --> 00:11:19,189 - Hey, buddy. We got a problem here? - Hello. 246 00:11:19,223 --> 00:11:21,291 - Hey. No problem, buddy. - Get these fucking cameras out of my face. 247 00:11:21,325 --> 00:11:23,594 - Let's go. Get out, man. - You should, uh, we... we should skedaddle. 248 00:11:23,627 --> 00:11:24,928 - Fuck off. - Let's skedaddle here. 249 00:11:24,962 --> 00:11:27,097 Shit. 250 00:11:28,065 --> 00:11:29,800 Didn't see that coming. 251 00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:33,036 - Ooh! - Well, that was a complete waste of time. 252 00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:35,139 - She's clearly not into guys. - Really? 253 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,640 - Yeah. - Should I give it a go? 254 00:11:36,673 --> 00:11:37,908 You can try. 255 00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:39,610 I mean, she's not into studs, 256 00:11:39,643 --> 00:11:40,878 so maybe you'll have better luck. 257 00:11:42,246 --> 00:11:43,246 Colin Robinson, 258 00:11:43,247 --> 00:11:44,948 we are going to Queens. 259 00:11:44,982 --> 00:11:46,683 A rogue vampire group hasn't paid their dues, 260 00:11:46,717 --> 00:11:48,185 and we need you to take notes. 261 00:11:48,218 --> 00:11:50,120 I wanted to say it! 262 00:11:50,154 --> 00:11:52,990 We are visiting a rogue vampire cell in Queens. 263 00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:55,159 They will taste our wrath and quickly submit. 264 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:58,128 I am prepared to escalate matters to crazy levels. 265 00:11:58,162 --> 00:12:00,731 It's more of a courtesy call. 266 00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:01,865 I get to knock. 267 00:12:01,899 --> 00:12:03,267 Yo. 268 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,935 Finally, virgins... 269 00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,638 - Wes Blankenship? - Yes. 270 00:12:07,671 --> 00:12:09,673 - Greetings, I am Nandor. - You have ignored all attempts at communication. 271 00:12:09,706 --> 00:12:11,141 - This is Nadja, - Bend the knee or I will 272 00:12:11,175 --> 00:12:12,609 - and he is Colin Robinson. - unleash Colin Robinson. 273 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:14,011 Wassup? 274 00:12:14,044 --> 00:12:16,313 We are your new Vampiric Council. 275 00:12:16,346 --> 00:12:18,015 We have not heard from you in a while, 276 00:12:18,048 --> 00:12:21,018 so we thought we'd pop by and see if all is well. 277 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,343 All right, just come on in. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 278 00:12:23,377 --> 00:12:24,411 I always wanted to do this: 279 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,681 My name is Wes Blankenship and welcome to my crib! 280 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,016 Let's go, baby! 281 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,418 Hope you don't mind if I take notes in here. 282 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,995 No, no. You are not allowed here. 283 00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:45,165 She's angry, as women so often are. 284 00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,900 Please, good lady. 285 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,369 I know I came here earlier, but whatever I said... 286 00:12:49,403 --> 00:12:52,706 and I don't remember... I wasn't myself. 287 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,942 Well, you started by calling me dipshit, so... 288 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,077 Proof of naught but mine own delirium. 289 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,980 You, my darling, have the high, firm ass 290 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,382 - of an Irish Derby winner. - Okay, um... 291 00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:05,953 Okay, I've gone a little bit too fast too soon, 292 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,087 but hear me out. 293 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,857 Truth is, I came here to pitch woo 294 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,291 but was so nervous, 295 00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:14,161 I took a calming physic to settle my nerves. 296 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:17,264 That drug turned me into a fucking monster. 297 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,266 Shit, was it Klonopin? 298 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,968 Indeed. That one. 299 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,103 Yeah, you know, I can't take it anymore myself. 300 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:26,039 Oh. We are very much alike, then. 301 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,908 Could I sing you something? 302 00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,110 Oh, God, uh, I-I guess. 303 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:35,082 ♪ I see your picture ♪ 304 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,384 ♪ Name in lights above it ♪ 305 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,355 ♪ This is your big debut ♪ 306 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,124 ♪ A dream come true ♪ 307 00:13:44,158 --> 00:13:46,827 ♪ And when you smile for the camera ♪ 308 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:49,163 ♪ I know they're going to love it. ♪ 309 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,105 - Meg. - Uh... Wow. 310 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:53,352 That's very embarrassing. 311 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,852 - You know, I'm... I'm at work, so... - Say no more. 312 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,771 May I show you something? 313 00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,739 I feel like you're going to anyway. 314 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:02,909 Some of the most licentious and transgressive pornography 315 00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:05,178 I've ever clapped eyes on. 316 00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,480 - Chris! - Fuck. 317 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:08,848 You will remember nothing. 318 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,784 Unhand me, you bloody peasant. 319 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:13,720 How does Nandor get this fucking ape body to work? 320 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,189 Okay. 321 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:17,924 You're officially banned, you pervert. 322 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:19,659 Just fuck off. 323 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,728 You fuck off, you bald prick. 324 00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,596 Fucking swear at me. 325 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,766 So, look, the reason why you guys haven't heard from us is 326 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,468 because, well, this clan, 327 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,637 we rejects the authority of the Vampiric Council. 328 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,673 Uh, hey, slow down there, puck. 329 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:37,344 I have you at, "Welcome to my crib... " 330 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,763 So, we've set up our own governing body. 331 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,165 Yeah. We're called The Council Of Vampires. 332 00:14:42,199 --> 00:14:43,500 Maybe you guys would like to join us. 333 00:14:43,533 --> 00:14:46,503 There is only one Vampiric Council, 334 00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:50,106 and you will either bend the knee or face the consequences. 335 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,576 Yes, that's... 336 00:14:52,609 --> 00:14:54,177 Typical hierarchical mindset cope. 337 00:14:54,211 --> 00:14:55,612 - Don't you point at me! - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 338 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:59,049 Wes, you seem like a very reasonable vampire. 339 00:14:59,082 --> 00:15:01,184 - We are also reasonable vampires. - I'm not. 340 00:15:01,218 --> 00:15:03,086 Let's talk about this. 341 00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:05,222 Uh, hold on. A... Ash, can you, can you get that please? 342 00:15:05,255 --> 00:15:07,324 Why do I have to do it? I count one, two... 343 00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:08,825 - Because I'm talking to the old people. The elderly. - Yeah, okay. 344 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,460 Do I have "secretary" written on my forehead? 345 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,095 They're gonna forget who they're talking to. 346 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,230 - Okay, but I'm not getting it. - All right, fine. 347 00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:14,464 I'll get it. 348 00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:16,366 You guys, please excuse me for a sec. 349 00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:18,301 - Should I write down their bickering? - Write it all down. 350 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,437 We're taking notes. What are you doing? 351 00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:22,375 It is called diplomacy. 352 00:15:22,409 --> 00:15:23,643 Licking their assholes, more like. 353 00:15:23,677 --> 00:15:25,579 Oh, shit. 354 00:15:25,612 --> 00:15:27,113 Mr. Robinson? 355 00:15:27,147 --> 00:15:29,149 Dave Lewis, energy vampire. 356 00:15:29,182 --> 00:15:30,717 I'm-I'm a huge fan. 357 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:33,153 Well, thank you, a fellow borer. 358 00:15:33,186 --> 00:15:35,121 - Do you bore a lot? - All the time. 359 00:15:35,155 --> 00:15:37,190 Say hello to my little friend. 360 00:15:37,223 --> 00:15:39,259 Are you sure you have the right Colin Robinson? 361 00:15:52,138 --> 00:15:53,240 Holy shit. 362 00:15:59,145 --> 00:16:01,381 Don't touch that book, Gizmo. 363 00:16:01,414 --> 00:16:03,116 It's too much for your young cock. 364 00:16:03,149 --> 00:16:04,718 Sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be in here. 365 00:16:04,751 --> 00:16:06,253 Just watch yourself. 366 00:16:06,286 --> 00:16:08,288 Otherwise, it'll be suicide by porno. 367 00:16:09,556 --> 00:16:11,124 Is that the Cloak of Duplication? 368 00:16:11,157 --> 00:16:12,392 I thought we weren't supposed to touch that. 369 00:16:12,393 --> 00:16:15,228 - Who gives a shit? - Well, can I... can I touch it? 370 00:16:16,696 --> 00:16:18,565 Actually, if you want to do Nandor a favor, 371 00:16:18,598 --> 00:16:21,368 you could put that on, head down to Massive Fitness 372 00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:23,403 and get a date with a receptionist called Meg. 373 00:16:23,436 --> 00:16:26,573 I tried my luck, but she's clearly not into guys. 374 00:16:26,606 --> 00:16:29,476 I hypnotized her, so you'll start from a clean slate. 375 00:16:32,178 --> 00:16:34,314 Oh, wow. Wow. 376 00:16:34,347 --> 00:16:35,815 Laszlo, look. 377 00:16:35,849 --> 00:16:37,250 I look just like Nandor. 378 00:16:37,284 --> 00:16:39,286 Yeah, uncanny. Bugger off. 379 00:16:39,319 --> 00:16:40,687 Ah, this is awesome. 380 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,122 I can fly. 381 00:16:42,155 --> 00:16:44,491 Bat! I-I can't fly. 382 00:16:47,213 --> 00:16:49,492 So, what kind of drains 383 00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:50,960 - are you pulling here? - Mostly weed-related stuff. 384 00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:52,562 Indica v. sativa, legalization rules, 385 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,130 CBD, edibles, shatter... 386 00:16:54,163 --> 00:16:56,132 - I could go on and I do. - Geez. 387 00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:57,533 Definitely keeping me fat and happy. 388 00:16:57,567 --> 00:16:59,402 I'm also kind of a sneakerhead 389 00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,003 and I just bought a camera drone. 390 00:17:01,037 --> 00:17:03,673 - People hate it. - I bet. 391 00:17:03,706 --> 00:17:06,409 Let me, uh, ask you a question, Dave Lewis. 392 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,245 Do you ever wonder where we come from? 393 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,013 You know, energy vampires? 394 00:17:11,047 --> 00:17:13,015 Boy, it never even occurred to me. 395 00:17:13,049 --> 00:17:15,418 Uh, no idea, you know? 396 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,386 Holy shit. 397 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:19,322 Are you draining me, bro? 398 00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:21,257 - No. - You're getting me, I think. 399 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,992 - No, I... I wouldn't do that to you. - Yeah. 400 00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:24,494 It seems like you guys are listening, 401 00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:26,095 but you're not really hearing. 402 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,097 We are. We are listening to everything, aren't we? 403 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,033 We are not interested in blindly supporting 404 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:34,036 a self-appointed soviet given to arbitrary judgments 405 00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:36,038 based on mumbo jumbo and interpretive dance. 406 00:17:36,072 --> 00:17:38,374 Wha... That's not exactly how it works. 407 00:17:38,996 --> 00:17:41,599 We are definitely cutting back on the ritualistic dancing. 408 00:17:41,632 --> 00:17:42,867 Ha! Like hell we are. 409 00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,602 - Shh. - We can discuss this later. 410 00:17:44,635 --> 00:17:47,138 The Council provides a lot of important services. 411 00:17:47,171 --> 00:17:50,141 - Mm, like what? - Like how about it's none of your fucking business! 412 00:17:50,174 --> 00:17:52,744 You guys really do not seem qualified to be running shit. 413 00:17:52,777 --> 00:17:54,112 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 414 00:17:54,145 --> 00:17:56,581 "You guys don't seem qualified to be running... " 415 00:17:56,614 --> 00:17:58,983 - Don't write that down. - I'm sorry, what shit are you qualified to run? 416 00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,018 I have a master's degree in urban planning. 417 00:18:01,052 --> 00:18:03,588 - Could I speak to you in the kitchenette for a moment? - Yeah. 418 00:18:03,621 --> 00:18:04,956 Erase that last bit. 419 00:18:04,989 --> 00:18:07,091 I didn't know he had a master's degree. 420 00:18:07,125 --> 00:18:08,226 What are we going to do? 421 00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,961 Eh. 422 00:18:09,994 --> 00:18:11,429 Okay. 423 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,134 You know, 424 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,902 I feel like you used to come around all the time. 425 00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:16,904 - How come I don't see you anymore? - Oh, um... 426 00:18:16,938 --> 00:18:18,573 Work, mostly. 427 00:18:18,606 --> 00:18:21,142 It's been real busy at the moment, 428 00:18:21,175 --> 00:18:23,444 and I feel kind of bad 429 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,580 because, you know, my-my best friend, 430 00:18:25,613 --> 00:18:27,582 he actually got me this gym membership, 431 00:18:27,615 --> 00:18:31,452 and I don't really use it, so... 432 00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:34,422 Uh, he's called Guillermo, by the way. 433 00:18:34,455 --> 00:18:37,025 But, I mean, he's always doing things like that for me, 434 00:18:37,058 --> 00:18:38,726 and I just kind of take it for granted. 435 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,128 So, you know, that's what I do. 436 00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:42,130 Well, Nandor, that's terrible. 437 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,899 He-he's not gonna want to stay friends with you. 438 00:18:44,933 --> 00:18:46,100 No, he will. 439 00:18:46,134 --> 00:18:49,837 But it's-it's kind of awkward because we work together. 440 00:18:49,871 --> 00:18:52,040 But if you feel a certain way about someone, 441 00:18:52,073 --> 00:18:54,776 and you've got something weighing on your heart, then... 442 00:18:54,809 --> 00:18:56,044 Okay. 443 00:18:56,077 --> 00:18:59,747 - This guy must be really special. - He is. Very. 444 00:18:59,781 --> 00:19:01,149 Let's talk about you. How are you? 445 00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:04,619 No, I-I think that you should take him out 446 00:19:04,652 --> 00:19:06,588 one day after work and tell him how you feel. 447 00:19:06,621 --> 00:19:08,556 It could be he has feelings for you, too. 448 00:19:08,590 --> 00:19:11,092 Feelings, no, that's... 449 00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:14,028 We're just work friends, so that's... 450 00:19:14,062 --> 00:19:15,863 Got to go. 451 00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:17,398 Sorry. 452 00:19:18,166 --> 00:19:21,002 He's being openly defiant. He needs to go. 453 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,737 You know I can hear you, right? 454 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,006 - Vampire hearing. - Yeah, I'm okay with that. 455 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,742 We are clearly outnumbered here, yes? 456 00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:30,111 I suggest we retreat, regroup and strategize. 457 00:19:30,144 --> 00:19:31,879 - Fine. - Yes! 458 00:19:31,913 --> 00:19:35,450 It has been so wonderful to meet you, Wes. 459 00:19:35,483 --> 00:19:36,551 - Genuinely. - Yeah. 460 00:19:36,584 --> 00:19:37,852 You have given us so much to... 461 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,688 Hey... Shit. 462 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:43,891 Saw that coming. 463 00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:45,126 Oh, shit. 464 00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:48,696 Oh, look at that. 465 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,719 Council dues are due on the first full moon of every month. 466 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,720 - Okay. - Yeah. 467 00:19:52,721 --> 00:19:54,902 - Any questions? - Didn't think so. 468 00:19:54,936 --> 00:19:56,004 Respect your elders. 469 00:19:56,037 --> 00:19:58,439 Colin Robinson, get my cape. 470 00:19:58,473 --> 00:19:59,741 - Got it. - How's that for an old lady? 471 00:19:59,774 --> 00:20:01,743 Hey, you take care now, Dave. 472 00:20:04,178 --> 00:20:05,880 I'm going to see my sweet Meg, 473 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,849 knowing that Laszlo and his silver tongue 474 00:20:07,882 --> 00:20:09,884 have laid a foundation for me 475 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:12,120 has given me a new confidence. 476 00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:14,088 Hey, back again. 477 00:20:14,122 --> 00:20:15,957 - My lucky night. - Yes. 478 00:20:16,991 --> 00:20:18,860 I know I was here earlier. 479 00:20:18,893 --> 00:20:21,429 You made me laugh very much, 480 00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:24,766 when we talked about, uh... 481 00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,035 The guy who works for you, Guillermo? 482 00:20:27,068 --> 00:20:30,605 - Really? - You seem really into him. 483 00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:32,106 That's really what we were talking about? 484 00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:35,043 It's just that, uh... 485 00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:37,412 How should I put this? 486 00:20:38,179 --> 00:20:41,816 Meg, it is you who are the person that I am into. 487 00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:44,419 I believe that you are the love of my life. 488 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,121 I believe that we should be together forever. 489 00:20:47,155 --> 00:20:48,723 You know I'm not into guys, right? 490 00:20:48,756 --> 00:20:50,558 I-I like women. 491 00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:52,860 So do I. 492 00:20:52,894 --> 00:20:54,128 You like men and women. That's okay. 493 00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:56,130 Yes, and you like women and men? 494 00:20:56,164 --> 00:20:58,099 No, just women. I'm a lesbian. 495 00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:00,535 - Are you sure? - Definitely sure. 496 00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:03,504 You will remember nothing. 497 00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:05,106 - Fuck. - Fuckface. 498 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,975 I thought I told you to never show your face... 499 00:21:07,008 --> 00:21:08,042 Oops. 500 00:21:08,076 --> 00:21:09,844 Fucking guy. 501 00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:13,114 Are you okay? 502 00:21:14,716 --> 00:21:17,619 - Open. - Hey, Nadja. 503 00:21:17,652 --> 00:21:19,887 I have just commenced my slumber. 504 00:21:19,921 --> 00:21:22,457 What happened in Queens tonight can never, ever happen again. 505 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:23,992 What is wrong with you? 506 00:21:24,025 --> 00:21:25,827 I don't know. 507 00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:27,929 Has living in America made you into a big, wet pussy? 508 00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:31,966 I think I've just been going through some things lately. 509 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,568 Do you ever wonder that maybe 510 00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,003 there is more to this life 511 00:21:35,036 --> 00:21:37,739 than just mindless killing and bloodlust? 512 00:21:37,772 --> 00:21:39,841 - Yeah. - You do? 513 00:21:39,874 --> 00:21:41,643 No! Of course not! 514 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:44,145 That is because you have Laszlo to share your life with! 515 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:45,780 Oh! 516 00:21:45,813 --> 00:21:47,949 You have turned into a very, very soft boy. 517 00:21:47,982 --> 00:21:49,584 How about you slumber on that? 518 00:21:49,617 --> 00:21:50,952 - Good night! - Hey! 519 00:21:58,026 --> 00:21:59,394 Hmm. 520 00:22:00,595 --> 00:22:02,163 What is it now? 521 00:22:04,165 --> 00:22:06,000 - Pussy! - Go away! 522 00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,102 You are a scared little soft boy. 523 00:22:08,136 --> 00:22:11,506 Speaking of soft, I'm squeezing your pipi right now. 524 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,573 How do you like that? 525 00:22:12,607 --> 00:22:13,975 Get your hands off my pipi! 526 00:22:14,008 --> 00:22:15,610 It is like a piece of extra meat dangling 527 00:22:15,643 --> 00:22:17,145 - off the end of my body. - Get your hands off it! 528 00:22:17,178 --> 00:22:19,480 Laszlo, you know that thing you always wanted to try? 529 00:22:19,514 --> 00:22:21,482 Fucking guy. 530 00:23:01,824 --> 00:23:06,824 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 38916

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