All language subtitles for UB217-2

PREVIOUSLY ON "UGLY BETTY"... YOU'RE THE GYM TEACHER?

(Tony) YES. IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?

(Wilhelmina) I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING

BUT THE TWEETY BIRD TATTOO ON HIS ASS. GENE SIMMONS IS MY FATHER.

DADDY? DAUGHTER?

I'M HAVING YOUR FATHER'S CHILD.

MY ONLY CONCERN IS GIVING IT EVERYTHING IT DESERVES.

(Daniel) AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE? ONE-THIRD OF THE MEADE EMPIRE.

HENRY, YOU'RE NOT IN TUCSON. I'M GOING BACK.

WHAT? MY BROTHER'S TOTALLY MACKING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

I'M NOT A BIG BELIEVER IN THIS WHOLE FANTASY THING,

BUT I AT LEAST WANTED YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF YOURS. I'M LUCKY,

EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HENRY'S LEAVING ME

AFTER HIS BABY'S BORN.

(baby cries)

(Eric Carmen) a™a ALL BY MYSELF a™a

a™a DON'T WANNA BE a™a

a™a ALL BY MYSELF a™a

a™a ANYMORE a™a

OH, GOD.

(snorting)

(exhales) DID YOU HEAR HER CRYING LAST NIGHT?

AY, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS, PAPI.

SHE LOVED HENRY. SHE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH THIS.

I JUST WISH THERE WERE SOMETHING WE COULD DO.

THERE IS. YOU CAN BUY MORE TISSUES. (all) HI.

HILDA, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR PUFFY EYE CREAM STUFF.

SORRY. OH, DON'T WORRY, AUNT BETTY. I'M ON IT.

(Hilda) WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY,

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR EGGS A LA HILDA.

WHAT'S EGGS A LA HILDA? IT'S SCRAMBLED EGGS.

PAPI, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

YOU'RE SICK. I'M MAKING BREAKFAST.

HILDA, I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY. AMOR, YOU'VE BARELY EATEN SINCE HENRY WENT BACK TO TUCSON.

IT'S TRUE, AUNT BETTY.

YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING REALLY SKINNY. (scoffs)

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO SOUND BAD. GUYS, YOU'RE ALL BEING SO SWEET,

BUT I DO NOT WANT YOU WORRYING ABOUT ME, OKAY?

HENRY AND I AGREED A CLEAN BREAK WOULD BE BEST.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I BREAK UP WITH A GUY...

I LIKE TO GET A LITTLE BIT SCARY SO HE DOESN'T FORGET ME.

ALL RIGHT, JUSTIN, COME ON. WE GOTTA GO.

I GOTTA GET READY FOR THE P.T.A. THING THIS MORNING. SINCE WHEN ARE YOU ON THE P.T.A.?

SINCE SHE HAS A CRUSH ON MY GYM TEACHER. WHAT? WHO? TONY? HE'S OKAY.

WHY? DID HE SAY SOMETHING? DO YOU THINK HE LIKES ME? WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

OH, MY GOD. HE'S SUCH A GOOD... MWAH. MWAH. MWAH.

SUCH A GOOD BOY. HERE. HAVE SOME JUICE A LA HILDA. WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S JUICE.

MIJA, YOU SEEM TIRED.

CAN'T YOU TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF WORK?

NO. ARE YOU KIDDING? WORK IS THE ONLY THING

THAT KIND OF KEEPS MY MIND OFF OF HENRY.

I'M SECRETLY HOPING THE "MODE" DRAMA DOESN'T END.

WILL THE DRAMA AT "MODE" EVER END?

FASHION DIVA AND HEADLINE STEALER

WILHELMINA SLATER IS BACK ON THE SCENE

WITH CHILD... ISH.

SHE'LL BE USING AN UNNAMED SURROGATE

TO BIRTH THE BABY.

WILHELMINA... A MOTHER AGAIN? SHE'S CERTAINLY BEEN CALLED ONE.

THE BABE WAS CONFIRMED TO BE THE SPAWN OF BRADFORD MEADE,

WHO GIFTED WILHELMINA WITH HIS FROZEN SWIMMERS

JUST BEFORE HIS DEATH.

AND THEY SAY ROMANCE IS DEAD.

WILL LA SLATER RETURN TO "MODE"?

WILL THE BABY OWN A SHARE OF THE MEADE FORTUNE? (cash register chimes)

INSIDERS TELL ME

THE MEADES ARE FIGHTING HER TOOTH AND FRENCH TIP NAIL

WITH A LEGAL DECISION EXPECTED THIS MORNING.

(telephone rings) NO, DANIEL IS NOT AVAILABLE.

WE WILL BE RELEASING A STATEMENT THIS AFTERNOON. ANY NEWS YET?

NO, THEY'RE ON THE PHONE WITH THE LAWYER RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE THE NEWS WILL BE GOOD.

MAYBE WILHELMINA WILL HAVE LOST. WILHELMINA NEVER LOSES.

OH, WHY DID I AGREE TO HAVE THIS BABY?

CHRISTINA, YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

YOU NEEDED THE MONEY FOR STUART'S OPERATION. (gasps) OHH, OH. CLAIRE MEADE LOOKED AT ME.

SHE HATES ME. I DON'T BLAME HER. SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU. AND SHE'LL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. THEY'RE COMING OUT NOW. (gasps)

JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH... (inhales deeply)

LOOK HER IN THE EYE AND JUST EXPLAIN IT... (sighs)

SO... IS IT BAD?

IT'S TERRIBLE. OUR FATHER'S WILL DIVIDED

THE COMPANY EVENLY AMONG HIS CHILDREN.

UNFORTUNATELY, THAT INCLUDES FUTURE CHILDREN? NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

BRADFORD NEVER WANTED TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD,

AND NOW TO HAVE ONE WITH HER? IT'S HAPPENING, AND UNTIL THAT KID TURNS 18,

WILHELMINA CONTROLS A THIRD OF THIS COMPANY.

SO... THAT MEANS?

WILHELMINA IS BACK.

a™aa™aa™a

LET'S DO THIS BITCH.

(elevator bell dings)

a™aa™aa™a

(crackles)

IF SHE TRIES ANYTHING, CALL SECURITY.

I CAN TAKE HER.

WHAT? I CAN.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, I'M RIGHT HERE.

(sighs)

FAMILY MEADE, I JUST WANT TO SAY,

HOW THRILLED AND HONORED I AM TO BE BACK HERE.

TODAY IS A NEW DAY,

AND I HOPE WE CAN ALL PUT THE PAST BEHIND US.

(scoffs)

(clears throat)

(camera shutter clicks) (Daniel groans)

WONDERFUL SEEING YOU ALL.

OH, NOW THAT WAS FUN.

AM I SMILING? I CAN'T TELL.

I THINK YOU ARE. OH, WILLIE...

(sighs) IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK

AND TO HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AGAIN,

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS WEIRD MOLE THING.

BUT DANIEL STILL RUNS "MODE," AND ALEXIS STILL RUNS MEADE.

WHAT'S OUR NEXT MOVE?

TO DIVIDE THE HOUSE OF MEADE.

WE'LL START WITH THE WEAKEST LINK.

DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON DANIEL'S FACE?

(laughs) TERROR.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW HOW TO DO, IT'S MANIPULATE FEAR.

YOU ARE A HORROR MOVIE I WISH WOULD NEVER END.

(Daniel) I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

I MEAN, I'VE HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT HER COMING BACK.

THEY USUALLY END WITH HER STABBING ME WITH A STILETTO

AND TURNING INTO A--POOF! BAT.

DANIEL, KEEP IT TOGETHER. HOW CAN I? SHE'S BEEN AFTER MY JOB SINCE I STARTED HERE.

WELL, SHE'S NOT GONNA GET IT, SO STOP PANTING.

WILHELMINA HAS NO CREATIVE INPUT HERE WHATSOEVER.

SHE'S NOTHING MORE THAN A CHANEL SUIT WITH AN OFFICE.

YES, BUT SHE'S ONE-THIRD OF THIS COMPANY,

AND SHE'S GOT THE DEVIL ON HER SIDE.

YEAH, BUT THE DEVIL DOESN'T GET A VOTE.

THERE'S TWO OF US, AND THERE'S ONE OF HER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S TWO AGAINST ONE. EXACTLY, SO RELAX.

WE WON'T MAKE A MOVE WITHOUT ONE ANOTHER.

(sighs)

WHEW.

MRS. MEADE, I'M TAKING LUNCH ORDERS.

COULD I GET YOU SOMETHING? ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU.

THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME.

YOU CAN WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR "HOT FLASH." AN ARTICLE?

YES. I'M SHORT FOUR PAGES OF CONTENT.

NOW I KNOW "HOT FLASH" IS A MAGAZINE FOR OLDER WOMEN,

BUT YOU COULD GIVE IT ITS YOUTH PERSPECTIVE.

300 WORDS BY TOMORROW MORNING.

YEAH. OKAY. UH, I CAN DO THIS.

SO, LIKE, WHEN YOU SAY, "YOUTH PERSPECTIVE,"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

BETTY, BETTY, YOU'RE THE WRITER.

FIGURE IT OUT.

I'M THE WRITER.

OKAY.

UH, OKAY.

OH, AND, MRS. MEADE?

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

(slicing)

MAD PROPS ON THE DRAMATIC ENTRANCE.

I WANTED TO USE A STROBE LIGHT AS WE HIT THE TUBE,

BUT WIL SAID IT WAS OVER-THE-TOP.

O-M-G, WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON. I KNOW.

ME FIRST. OH.

YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH MY FATHER,

GENE SIMMONS FROM KISS, ON A NEW REALITY SHOW?

WELL, PREPARE YO'SELF.

a™a THIS IS THE STORY a™a

a™a THE STORY IS TRUE a™a

a™a HOW I FOUND MY DAUGHTER a™a

a™a HE NEVER EVEN KNEW-EW a™a

a™a SHE TRACKED ME DOWN a™a a™a WITH ONLY ONE CLUE a™a

a™a IT WAS ON MY BUTT a™a

a™a THAT FATEFUL a™a

a™a TATTOO a™a a™a TATTOO a™a

a™a ON MY BUTT a™a a™a WHAT? WHAT? a™a

(laughs) "DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL."

MANDY... (squeals)

(gasps) YOU'RE GONNA BE A REALITY TV STAR.

IT'S WHAT EVERY PRETTY GIRL WITH NO SPECIFIC TALENT DREAMS OF.

I KNOW, RIGHT? AND EVERY EPISODE,

WE DO A NEW FUN, FATHER-DAUGHTER ACTIVITY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CAMPING OR RIDING BIKES

OR TRASHING A HOTEL ROOM. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERY SUCCESSFUL TV SHOW HAS

A SHTICKY, GAY BEST FRIEND SIDEKICK. NO. NO, NO, MARC. YOU CAN'T BE ON THE SHOW.

COME ON. WHY NOT? MARC AND AMANDA.

WE'RE SO FUNNY TOGETHER. EVERYONE SAYS SO.

OKAY.

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO TELL YOU THIS--

YOU KNOW HOW, IN REAL LIFE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO JUMPY

AND BOPPING YOUR HEAD AND MOVING AROUND... (laughs)

LIKE... (panting)

WELL, THAT MAKES YOU BLURRY,

AND ON TV, PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY SEE YOUR FACE.

WOW.

YOU'RE CUTE, BUT YOU'RE NOT TV CUTE.

I AM SO GLAD I GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. OH.

YOU WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN? SURE.

(squeals) (glass shatters)

OKAY, EIGHT TURKEY, SIX VEGGIE,

FOUR CHICKEN CURRY SALAD

AND TWO SALAMI. MM-HMM.

MAN, YOU SURE ARE HUNGRY TODAY. (chuckles)

HEY, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER GOTTEN A SMILE

OFF THAT JOKE. WELL, TODAY HAS TURNED OUT TO BE NOT SO TERRIBLE.

CLAIRE MEADE ASKED ME TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR "HOT FLASH."

HEY, THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

YEAH. I GUESS IT IS A BIG DEAL. HERE, HAVE A BLACK-AND-WHITE COOKIE.

I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ANYBODY YET. OH, I'M THE FIRST PERSON YOU TOLD, HUH?

MM-HMM. FIGURES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING.

NO, I DON'T. YES, YOU DO.

NO, I DON'T. OH, YES, YOU DO.

NO, I DON'T. OH, YES, YOU DO.

YOU'RE ALWAYS DOWN HERE, TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR DAY,

FLIRTING, ORDERING SANDWICHES... UH, IT'S A SANDWICH SHOP, AND I WASN'T FLIRTING.

OH, COME ON. EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, YOU'RE THERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE KIND OF STALKING ME A LITTLE BIT.

UH... (laughs) WHAT?

YOU LIKE ME. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

JUST ADMIT IT. YOU ARE INSANE.

COME ON. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IF YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD.

YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR REBOUND GUY. I CAME DOWN HERE FOR SANDWICHES,

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN, YOU'RE MY REBOUND GUY?

GIO, I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATION--

MM.

(door bells chime)

(breathes heavily)

a™aa™aa™a

(sighs)

"THE YOUTH PERSPECTIVE."

"YOUTH."

I WASN'T FLIRTING.

(clicks keyboard key)

(beep)

(clicks)

(computers beeping)

(laughter)

(beeping continues)

(laughter continues)

AS FAR AS THE NOVEMBER COVER IS CONCERNED, I WAS--

I'M SORRY I'M LATE. I MUST NOT HAVE GOTTEN THE MEMO.

NO, WILHELMINA. YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

I REALIZE THAT,

AND I WAS SPEAKING TO MY LAWYER,

AND APPARENTLY, I HAVE EVERY LEGAL RIGHT TO OBSERVE.

OKAY, FINE, BUT YOU HAVE NO OFFICIAL CAPACITY AT "MODE,"

AND THAT MEANS ZERO INPUT. I UNDERSTAND.

I'M MERELY SOMEONE WHO CONTROLS

ONE-THIRD OF THE PARENT CORPORATION,

WHICH OWNS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN HERE.

BUT YOU WON'T EVEN NOTICE ME. QUIET AS A MOUSE.

(Amanda) OH, MY GOD. IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S EATING HIM.

I'M GONNA PEE.

(laughs) SHE DOES REALIZE THAT THAT'S THE SANDWICH GUY

AND NOT AN ACTUAL SANDWICH, RIGHT? (laughs) (laughs)

OH, MANDY, HOW I'VE MISSED THIS.

I KNOW YOU TWO SENT THAT PICTURE AROUND,

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY--

BETTY, WE ARE SO GLAD YOU FINALLY FOUND A REBOUND GUY.

I MEAN, YOU AND HENRY? a™a MISMATCH a™a

ONE TIME I SAW HIM CHANGING HIS SHIRT IN THE BATHROOM,

AND I WASN'T STARING,

AND I DEFINITELY DID NOT TAKE A PICTURE,

BUT FOR A NERD ACCOUNTANT, HE HAS BODY KARATE.

OOH. BUT GIO SMELLS LIKE SALAMI.

AND HE'S PERFECT FOR YOU! GIO IS NOT MY REBOUND GUY,

AND I HAVE AN ARTICLE TO WRITE TODAY,

SO I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR GAMES.

IF YOU COULD JUST WRITE A RETRACTION E-MAIL,

SEND IT OUT-- BETTY, GIO LOVES YOU.

AND THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE STALL IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

OH.

NOW FOR THE NOVEMBER COVER,

I WAS THINKING WE'D BE A LITTLE BIT MORE BOLD.

LADIES, GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...

THE W--

THE WAR ISS--THE WAR ISSUE.

SEXY SOLDIERS SURROUNDED BY DANGER.

DEFINITELY GONNA KEEP THE FOCUS ON FASHION,

BUT, UH, WITH A BIT MORE POLITICAL EDGE, AS WELL.

I DON'T KNOW. IT SEEMS A LITTLE TOO RISKY.

I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC. YOU DON'T GET TO TALK.

UH, WAIT, UH, YOU THINK IT'S GOOD? (chuckles) I THINK IT'S GENIUS.

IN FACT, IT'S SO GENIUS

THAT "ELLE" IS DOING THE EXACT SAME THING,

UH, A MONTH EARLIER,

BUT I'M SURE YOU'VE GOT SOME TERRIFIC BACKUP IDEAS.

YEAH. YES, I DO. OF COURSE.

UM, WE COULD...

THE...

(tapping echoing)

BACKUP IDEAS FOR THE COVER...

WE'RE THINKIN', UH, WE MIGHT...

(clears throat)

(slurping)

(heart beating)

UM... YEAH.

UH, C--W-WHY DON'T WE, UH, JUST TAKE FIVE MINUTES?

UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(sighs)

GET IT TOGETHER, DANIEL. COME ON.

(toilet flushes)

(breathes deeply)

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN A MEETING?

WILHELMINA IS IN THERE, AND SHE IS FREAKING ME OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE MEN'S ROOM?

UGH. THERE WAS A GRAFFITI SITUATION.

MARC WROTE A VERY RAUNCHY POEM ABOUT ME AND GIO.

IT WAS MORE OF A HAIKU, REALLY. ANYWAY, I TOOK CARE OF IT.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE WRITING YOUR ARTICLE?

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

DANIEL?

DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER TO GIVE ME THAT ARTICLE?

I KNOW I'M SELF-INVOLVED, BUT EVEN I COULD TELL

YOU NEEDED SOME CHEERING UP... (scoffs)

AND BESIDES, YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT. GREAT? I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING YET.

I'VE HAD A FEW DISTRACTIONS.

WELL, STOP THAT. GET BACK IN THERE AND START WRITING.

FINE. YOU GET BACK IN THERE AND RUN THAT MEETING,

AND DON'T LET WILHELMINA GET TO YOU. YEAH. WE CAN DO THIS.

YES, WE CAN.

UH, THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.

YEAH. LET'S PRETEND THAT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

HERE YOU GO. OH, HEY, HILDA. HI.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

OH, YEAH, I WAS JUST DOING A P.T.A. THING THIS MORNING.

I'M REALLY BIG ON VOLUNTEERING. ANYTHING FOR THE KIDS.

ANYWAY, I GOT TURNED AROUND IN HERE.

THIS PLACE IS LIKE A MAZE.

DIDN'T YOU GO HERE?

(laughs) YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

SO WHAT'S UP, TONY? WHAT'S SHAKIN'? WHAT'S NEW?

JUST P.E.

FUN. FUN. I LOVE SPORTS, YOU KNOW?

TOO BAD THERE'S NOT A BIG GAME ON TONIGHT,

'CAUSE I GOT NOTHING TO DO. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

WE'RE SHORT A CHAPERONE FOR THE SCHOOL DANCE. I...

YEAH, I COULD DO THAT, TOTALLY. ANYTHING FOR THE KIDS, YOU KNOW?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WAS A DANCE? I'M NOT GOING.

IT'S TACKY, AND EVERYONE DRESSES LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO A HAYRIDE.

(laughs) OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO THE DANCE.

HE'S ALWAYS DANCING.

WE GOT KICKED OUT OF CHURCH ONCE

'CAUSE HE WAS DOING THE FUNKY CHICKEN. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I DONE THE FUNKY CHICKEN.

(whispers) ZIP IT. SO I'LL SEE YOU BOTH TONIGHT THEN?

(normal voice) YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SEE YOU TONIGHT. NO. NO. MNH-MNH.

(sneezes) GOD BLESS YOU.

OH, NO. GOD BLESS YOU, COACH. GOD BLESS YOU.

(man) I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT, MS. SLATER.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TALK COVER... WHAT'S GOING ON?

WILHELMINA JUST PITCHED A GREAT CONCEPT.

WHAT? WELL, IT'S JUST A TAKEOFF ON YOUR IDEA.

INSTEAD OF DOING THE WAR ISSUE, WE'RE DOING THE PEACE ISSUE.

THAT'S NOT A TAKEOFF ON MY IDEA. THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

DANIEL, GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

WHAT ABOUT NOT MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT EACH OTHER?

WHAT ABOUT TWO AGAINST ONE?

YOU LEFT THE MEETING. I--

I'VE GOT 20 OTHER MAGAZINES TO SUPERVISE, INCLUDING MOM'S,

WHICH IS GOING TO TANK UNLESS SHE GETS SOME ADVERTISERS.

LOOK, IT'S STARTING AGAIN. WILHELMINA IS TAKING OVER.

IT WAS JUST ONE IDEA.

STOP BEING PARANOID.

OH, GREAT BRACELET. J'ADORE.

(Alexis) OH, THANK YOU.

(speaking indistinctly)

THE BIG STORY OF THE DAY

WAS WILHELMINA SLATER'S TRIUMPHANT RETURN

TO "MODE" MAGAZINE,

WHERE SHE GREETED HER FORMER RIVAL DANIEL MEADE

WITH A HUG.

HMM. UNCOMFORTABLE. THREATENED MUCH, DANIEL?

(Daniel) SHE LEAKED THAT PHOTO!

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS AFRAID THE DIVA WILL RETURN "MODE"

TO ITS FORMER GLORY. WHAT? "FORMER GLORY"? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

NOW IF "MODE" DOES WELL, THEY'RE GONNA THINK

IT'S 'CAUSE OF WILHELMINA? OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH, MY GOD"?

THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU USUALLY TELL ME,

"DANIEL, YOU'RE BEING CRAZY." I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT--BUT THAT KIND OF MAKES SENSE.

I MEAN, I-I CAN TOTALLY SEE WHY YOU'RE WORRIED.

IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD DO? YOU KNOW WHAT?

GO HOME. I WANT YOU TO WORK ON THAT ARTICLE.

I'M GONNA HANDLE THIS. IF SHE WANTS TO SPIN THE PRESS,

THEN WE ARE GONNA SPIN THE PRESS.

(Wilhelmina) ...THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT,

BUT I'LL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.

(reporters all speaking at once)

(alarm bell rings)

JUST GIVE ME ONE MINUTE, ALL RIGHT?

(gasps) MARC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU IN YOUR ELEMENT.

OOH, PASTRIES. CRAFTY IS FOR TALENT ONLY.

THAT'S SHORT FOR "CRAFT SERVICES,"

WHICH IS LONG FOR "FOOD." I'M SORRY. IT'S INDUSTRY LINGO.

NOW, UH, JUST GET OUT OF HERE. WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE ON THE SHOW?

IT'S NOT ME. I WANT YOU ON THE SHOW.

(laughs) OH, YEAH.

IT'S, UM--IT'S GENE. HE HATES THE GAYS.

NO. YES. OKAY. NOW, UM, PLEASE.

IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME IF YOU JUST LEFT.

HEY, YOU AND I COME AS A PACKAGE...

(gasps) SO HE IS JUST GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO IT.

GENE SIMMONS? YEAH.

I'M MARC ST. JAMES,

AMANDA'S BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

I'M HERE, I'M QUEER AND I'M EATING YOUR PASTRIES.

(laughs) YOU'RE FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD USE A FUNNY GAY GUY

IN OUR NEXT SEGMENT. UH, WANNA BE ON THE SHOW? (mouth full) YES.

THIS IS FABULOUS. THANK YOU.

WHAT I WAS THINKING--

(normal voice) WHAT? TELL ME. PLEASE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

(coughs)

(raspy voice) HOW YOU DOING OVER THERE?

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.

WHY? IS IT HENRY AGAIN?

I KEEP TRYING TO FOCUS ON MY WORK,

AND THEN GIO WENT AND KISSED ME.

WHAT? GIO KISSED YOU?

GIRL, SPILL IT! CAN HE KISS?

DON'T GET EXCITED. IT WAS AWFUL...

OOH. AND I FEEL GUILTY.

GUILTY? WHY?

(singsong voice) BECAUSE YOU LIKED IT.

NO, I JUST MISS HENRY. THAT'S ALL.

AND--AND I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE

TO BEING READY TO THINK ABOUT ANOTHER GUY.

IT'S NOT TIME YET.

IS IT? OH, GOD, I'M TERRIBLE.

AY, PLEASE. YOU THINK YOU CAN'T HAVE FEELINGS

FOR MORE THAN ONE GUY AT A TIME?

I KNOW YOU LOST HENRY, BUT YOU CANNOT PLAN

WHEN YOU'RE GONNA START FEELING THINGS AGAIN. (coughs)

BIG MAN ON CAMPUS COMING THROUGH.

IT'S AN HOMAGE TO "GREASE."

(gasps) DANNY ZUKO MEETS COUTURE.

IF I'M GOING TO THIS TACKY THING,

I'LL AT LEAST MAKE A SPLASH. PAPI, WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE YOU GET THE REST OF US SICK?

YOU'RE ALREADY SICK. I AM NOT. YOU ARE CRAZY. I'M FINE.

BUT IS IT, LIKE, 1,000 DEGREES IN HERE OR WHAT?

OW.

HILDA, YOU'RE BURNING UP.

THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO THAT DANCE. NO, TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT

THAT I FIND OUT IF THE COACH LIKES ME.

SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO THAT DANCE.

YOU WANT ALL THOSE KIDS TO GET YOUR COLD? TO HELL WITH THE KIDS.

HILDA! (sneezes) WHAT?

BESIDES, IF I DON'T GO,

THEN THEY'RE GONNA BE SHORT A CHAPERONE. PLEASE. MM.

I'LL GO.

WHAT?

I'LL GO. I'LL BE SURROUNDED BY KIDS ALL NIGHT.

I CAN INTERVIEW THEM. I'LL GET THEIR YOUTH PERSPECTIVE.

I'LL BUILD MY ARTICLE AROUND THEIR QUOTES. IT'S PERFECT.

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AROUND HERE ANYWAY.

DO I STILL HAVE TO GO? YES. BECAUSE YOU GOTTA SPY ON THE COACH.

HILDA. I'M GONNA GO GET READY.

I THINK I STILL HAVE MY HOMECOMING DRESS.

NO VELOUR OR LACE OR PAISLEY.

BETTER GO UP THERE.

(moans)

HERE.

OH, THANKS, PAPI. (sneezes)

YOU KNOW,

FROM THE FIRST MOMENT I LOOKED INTO YOUR EYES,

IT WAS LIKE SOME KIND OF COSMIC CONNECTION.

I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT, YOU KNOW,

I KNEW YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER. HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

GENE, DO YOU MEAN THAT? I REALLY DO.

(man) STAND BY. WE HAVE SOUND PROBLEMS.

(Amanda) OH. RESET, EVERYBODY. BACK IN TEN.

(alarm bell rings) NO, IT'S--IT'S OKAY.

UM, HEY, TELL ME ABOUT MY MOM.

CAN I HAVE A WATER? ASAP. HELLO? (man) YES, MR. SIMMONS.

HEY, UH, DID, UH, DID SHE EVER CONTACT YOU? I'M SO SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GET THIS.

HELLO. BRIAN.

(chuckles)

THAT WAS WEIRD.

OH, NO. THAT'S CLASSIC GENE.

HE'S ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE. IT'S KIND OF A CELEBRITY THING.

YOU WOULDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT. H-HE WAS SO SWEET WHEN THE CAMERAS WERE ON,

AND THEN HE DID, LIKE, A COMPLETE 180.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 180? IT MEANS, LIKE, COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

NO, I KNOW WHAT 180 MEANS. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY

THAT WHAT MY FATHER AND I HAVE ISN'T REAL?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME HERE.

YOU--YOU ARE SO JEALOUS THAT I'M ROCK ROYALTY.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU?

(indistinct conversations)

(alarm bell rings)

(pops)

(Walter Meego's "Forever" playing)

OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS PLACE, ALL THE DECORATIONS.

YEAH, IT'S STILL THE GYM.

IT'S LIKE PUTTING LIPSTICK ON A PIG.

OKAY, SO I GUESS I SHOULD START GETTING QUOTES.

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE FUN?

YEAH, BUT WE'RE HERE. I'M GONNA GO FIND THE COACH.

OKAY.

HI, UH, COULD--

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE A SECOND? I JUST--

a™a I COULD MAKE YOU EXCITED a™a

EXCUSE ME. HI.

I'M WRITING AN ARTICLE FOR A MAGAZINE

ON THE YOUTH PERSPECTIVE.

AS A YOUNG WOMAN,

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE OLDER GENERATIONS?

(lowered voice) YOU KNOW,

LIKE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO SOMEBODY WHO WAS 60?

LIKE YOU?

(normal voice) UM, OKAY.

LET'S TRY THIS A DIFFERENT WAY.

I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE. NOPE. I DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH, BRACES. YOU KNOW MY BROTHER.

WHO'S YOUR BROTHER?

a™aa™aa™a

I KNEW YOU WERE STALKING ME.

YOU ARE STALKING ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I'M A CHAPERONE.

WELL, ME, TOO, BUT I'M ALSO WORKING,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND...

OH, I SEE. YOU GET YOUR KISS, AND NOW YOU'RE BLOWING ME OFF.

YOU KISSED ME. YEAH, WELL, YOU KISSED ME BACK.

I EVEN FELT YOUR TONGUE. I WAS BLOCKING YOUR TONGUE.

YOU FRENCHED ME, SUAREZ. YOU FRENCHED ME GOOD.

I DID NOT FRENCH YOU.

(woman) a™a AND I WON'T GIVE UP a™a

a™a LISTEN TO THE BELLS RING a™a

GIO, I HAVE AN ARTICLE THAT I NEED TO WRITE,

AND MY DEADLINE IS TOMORROW, SO PLEASE STOP DISTRACTING ME.

WHAT? I'M CHAPERONING HERE.

a™aa™aa™a

AND WHO CALLS IT "FRENCHING"?

(cell phone rings) HELLO?

IS HE THERE? THE COACH? (sniffles) Yeah.

HE'S TALKING TO MISS KAZLAUSKAS, THE SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHER. "Miss"?

IS SHE YOUNG? IS SHE PRETTY? IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME?

UH, NO COMPETISH. SHE HAS A LAZY EYE.

OOH. TOUGH BREAK FOR HER, BUT YAY FOR US.

SO ARE YOU SAYING THAT THE RETURN OF WILHELMINA SLATER

IS NOT GOING TO AFFECT THINGS AT "MODE" AT ALL?

WELL, NO, IT'S IRRELEVANT.

AS FAR AS THE MAGAZINE IS CONCERNED,

WILHELMINA IS BACK IN NAME ONLY. LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS. UH, BURLINGTON, VERMONT,

YOU'RE ON THE AIR WITH DANIEL MEADE.

(woman) Hi. Uh, I wanna know,

why don't you give Wilhelmina Slater some credit?

Isn't that a little sexist? OH, NO. NOT AT ALL.

I'M--I'M JUST HERE TRYING TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

Well, what about the photo where you were shoving her? WAIT A MINUTE.

DO WE--DO WE HAVE THAT PHOTO IN THE SYSTEM?

UH, IT'S ACTUALLY NOT ME, UH-- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE, DANIEL.

THERE IT I--WHOA. YOU ARE REALLY SHOVING HER THERE.

Uh, do you have problems with successful women,

or just women who don't want to sleep with you?

OH, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. IT'S WILHELMINA'S ASSISTANT

PUTTING ON A FEMALE VOICE. I'M SORRY.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL. Thank you, Larry.

YOU'RE WELCOME. Uh, isn't it also true,

Wilhelmina put in 20 years of hard work

while you got your job through nepotism? FAIR QUESTION.

NO. (laughs) IT WASN'T NEPOTISM.

MY FATHER GAVE ME THE JOB. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

I, UM, I DESERVED IT.

AND THIS CALL IS A FAKE. IT'S MARC FROM MY OFFICE.

AND WILHELMINA IS A BACKSTABBING, CONNIVING,

VICIOUS LITTLE-- NOW, DANIEL, WAIT A MINUTE.

MY PRODUCER SAYS THAT THIS CALL IS COMING FROM VERMONT.

UH-HUH.

BEAUTIFUL FOLIAGE, UH, UP THERE.

QUESTION--

WHAT KIND OF COLORFUL PHRASES ARE KIDS USING THESE DAYS?

IS IT STILL "BLING-BLING" OR IS IT JUST ONE "BLING" OR...

(woman) a™a YOU TOLD ME THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE a™a

a™a NOW THAT WE'RE STARING FACE-TO-FACE a™a

a™a FLASHLIGHT, DAY, NIGHT, ANYTIME a™a

WHOA.

HE'LL BE BACK.

I NEED YOUR HELP. OH, I THOUGHT I WAS DISTRACTING YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE QUOTE FOR MY ARTICLE,

NOT ONE WITHOUT PROFANITY, ANYWAY. (laughs)

I LITERALLY HAVE KIDS RUNNING FROM ME,

AND YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY THEM. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I JUST TALK TO THEM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS EVERYBODY YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, LOOK. THERE'S A DANIEL.

a™aa™aa™a

AND, UH, THERE'S AN AMANDA.

OH, THAT KID IS DEFINITELY ME.

UGH! I HATE THAT LITTLE KID!

I BUSTED HIM TWICE TONIGHT FOR DEFACING POSTERS.

YEAH.

AND NOW WE KNOW WHO YOU WERE IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL--

THE GIRL WHO NEVER HAD ANY FUN.

UM, I HAD PLENTY OF FUN.

YEAH.

I DID YEARBOOK AND, UH, YOUNG ENVIRONMENTALISTS

AND--AND MULTICULTURAL CLUB,

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT IN EIGHTH GRADE, I DID WIN THE GOOD CITIZEN AWARD.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE A GOOD CITIZEN AWARD. WELL, I DON'T TECHNICALLY HAVE IT.

I GAVE IT BACK SO THAT EVERYONE AT THE SCHOOL COULD ENJOY IT,

WHICH KIND OF SUCKS,

BECAUSE I WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THAT AWARD,

AND NOW I CAN BARELY SEE IT THROUGH THE TROPHY CASE,

BUT THAT'S OKAY,

BECAUSE GIVING BACK IS WHAT A GOOD CITIZEN DOES.

OH, FOUND HER-- LITTLE BETTY.

SHE MUST BE COVERING THIS THING FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.

NO.

SHE'S WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK HER TO DANCE.

OKAY, I'LL TRY AGAIN...

YOUR WAY.

I'LL TALK TO HER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

I HAVE HEARD

THAT YOUR ADVERTISING PROBLEMS HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY BETTER.

MAY I SUGGEST-- I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION.

YOU WOULD SABOTAGE ME IN A HEARTBEAT.

(sighs) ANCIENT HISTORY, CLAIRE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY AND GO?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED GIVING AWAY YOUR ADVERTISING FOR FREE?

WHY WOULD I POSSIBLY DO THAT?

BECAUSE ADVERTISERS ARE LIKE SHEEP--

YOU GIVE FREE SPACE TO ONE "IT" BRAND

IN EXCHANGE FOR A PROMISE

THAT THEY DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE IT'S FREE,

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN, YOU'VE LANDED A BIG ACCOUNT,

YOU'RE LEGIT AND ALL THE OTHER BUYERS

ARE WILLING TO PAY TOP DOLLAR TO BE IN YOUR MAGAZINE. WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME?

BECAUSE I HAVE A REAL STAKE IN THIS COMPANY NOW. AH.

YOUR FAILURE IS ONE-THIRD MY FAILURE.

AH.

GOOD LUCK, CLAIRE.

HEY, GENE. YEAH.

(sighs) I'M REALLY UPSET.

I JUST HAD THIS HUGE FIGHT WITH MARC,

AND I FEEL TERRIBLE. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

ARE YOU ABOUT TO-- ARE YOU ABOUT TO START CRYING?

THAT'S GREAT. JUST HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

HEY, PAL, DO ME A FAVOR. WOULD YOU COME OVER-- NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE NO CAMERAS.

COME ON. I-I REALLY JUST NEED A FATHER-DAUGHTER MOMENT,

ONE-ON-ONE.

OKAY. OKAY. CALM DOWN. YEAH.

EXCUSE ME? CAN YOU GET THAT CAMERA OVER HERE RIGHT NOW?

HURRY UP. (man) BE RIGHT THERE, MR. SIMMONS.

GENE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TATTOO?

IT LOOKS FAKE.

GENE, ARE YOU MY FATHER OR NOT?

UM...

(clears throat)

(Betty) WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO MOST?

(man) AND NOW WE HAVE AN OLDIE BY SPECIAL REQUEST. GRADUATION.

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO BETTY FROM GIO.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,

GRAB THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE AND HIT THE DANCE FLOOR.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, B.?

DO YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING CRAZY

AND ACTUALLY DANCE AT A SCHOOL DANCE?

AW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER. I'VE GOT THAT COVERED.

(Spandau Ballet's "True" playing)

DO YOU WANNA DANCE?

I DON'T KNOW.

GO. HAVE FUN.

(laughs)

WELL, THAT WAS VERY NICE.

COME ON. TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR ARTICLE.

a™a ALWAYS IN TIME a™a

a™a BUT NEVER IN LINE FOR DREAMS a™a

a™a HEAD OVER HEELS a™a

a™a WHEN TOE-TO-TOE a™a

a™a THIS IS THE SOUND OF MY SOUL a™a

(laughs)

a™a THIS IS THE SOUND a™a

a™a ALWAYS SLIPPING FROM MY HANDS a™a

a™a SETS A TIME OF ITS OWN a™a

a™a OH, I WANT THE TRUTH TO BE SAID a™a

I CAN'T.

a™a HUH, HUH, HUH, HU-UH, HUH a™a

a™a I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE a™a

(pop music playing)

HEY.

(voice breaking) OH, I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

YOU REALIZE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY ASK, "HOW ARE YOU?"

OH, I'M FINE. (laughs) THANKS.

a™aa™aa™a

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT HIDING IT.

(laughs) YEAH.

IT'S JUST, I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON

WHO CAN HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND FORGET ABOUT THEM...

ESPECIALLY SOMEONE I LOVE.

LOVED.

WHAT AM I DOING DANCING WITH YOU, GIO?

WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?

GOD, BETTY, IT MUST BE SO EXHAUSTING...

ALWAYS WORRYING ABOUT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DIDN'T YOU GIVE BACK YOUR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A GOOD CITIZEN DOES?

AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WORRYING

ABOUT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE,

AND JUST... BE.

a™aa™aa™a

I'M REALLY SAD.

WELL, SAD I THINK WE CAN WORK WITH.

(Hilda) TALK TO ME. (Justin) I don't know what happened.

Coach was standing by the bleachers,

AND THEN HE DISAPPEARED.

I MAY HAVE LEFT MY POST BRIEFLY TO DANCE. You know what, sweetie? I am sorry.

I'VE BEEN BUGGING YOU ALL NIGHT. GO HAVE FUN.

MOM, YOU AREN'T BUGGING ME.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU FOUND SOMEONE YOU LIKE AGAIN.

OH, THANK YOU, SWEETIE,

BUT OBVIOUSLY, THIS WASN'T MEANT TO BE,

SO I'LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?

BYE.

OKAY. BYE.

(woman) a™a I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE a™a

a™a I'M NOT A BLUE PLATE SPECIAL a™a

a™a I DON'T GO HALF PRICE a™a

a™a I'M A HIGH-CLASS GIRL a™a

a™a AND YOU BETTER TREAT ME NICE a™a

a™a I'M HIGH-CLASS a™a

a™a I AIN'T NO TRAILER TRASH a™a

a™a I'M HIGH-CLASS, I AIN'T NO TRAILER TRASH a™a

OH, HEY, JUSTIN.

HEY, UM, MY MOM WOULD KILL ME FOR DOING THIS,

BUT SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU LIKE HER.

IF I LIKE HER? YEAH.

WHAT IS THIS, JUNIOR HIGH?

ACTUALLY, YES, AND SHE TOTALLY LIKES YOU.

a™a BUT IT DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' IF YOU AIN'T GOT THE GAS a™a

a™a G-A-S SPELLS GAS a™a

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

MOM, I'M SORRY. IT'S DONE.

UH, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

GO AHEAD. TELL YOUR BROTHER.

I REINSTATED WILHELMINA AS CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF "MODE."

WHAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EASIER IT WAS HAVING HER AROUND TODAY?

I MEAN, SHE SAVED YOUR COVER.

SHE HELPED SAVE "HOT FLASH" IN UNDER A MINUTE.

SHE'S THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS. AND SHE'S A RUTHLESS, IMMORAL, AMBITIOUS SNAKE.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES HER SO GOOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO NOT MAKING ANY MOVES WITHOUT EACH OTHER?

LIKE YOU GOING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION

MAKING AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF AND THIS MAGAZINE?

THIS IS DAMAGE CONTROL. YOU'RE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE.

NO, I'M MAKING A TOUGH DECISION,

WHICH IS MY JOB AS PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY.

THIS DISCUSSION'S OVER.

I CAN'T STEAL MY GOOD CITIZEN TROPHY.

OH, COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, I PROMISE.

OKAY. YEP. THERE IT IS. I CAN SEE IT KIND OF.

ALL RIGHT. MAYBE I COULD JUST HOLD IT FOR A SECOND,

AND THEN PUT IT BACK.

OR YOU COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF ME WITH YOUR CELL PHONE.

NO, NO. THAT COULD BE EVIDENCE. (lock clicks)

(pop music playing)

(Mexican accent) "BETTY, COME GET ME.

YOU WORKED SO HARD. I BELONG TO YOU."

SHH. MY TROPHY SPEAKS WITH A MEXICAN ACCENT?

ALL TROPHIES DO.

(whispers) OKAY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. IT'S A LOT LIGHTER THAN I IMAGINED.

(man) STOP RIGHT THERE.

PRINCIPAL HAYWARD.

BETTY SUAREZ?

STEALING?

YOU'RE A BAD CITIZEN, BETTY SUAREZ.

(laughs)

WILHELMINA.

ALEXIS MAY BE ONBOARD WITH YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ACT,

BUT I AM NOT. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHO YOU ARE.

REALLY, DANIEL? WHO AM I?

THIS MORNING, I WAS NOTHING AT ALL,

THIS EVENING, I'M CREATIVE DIRECTOR,

AND TOMORROW, WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE I'LL BE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF.

OH, WAIT, THAT'S YOUR JOB,

ISN'T IT?

SWEET DREAMS.

(clicking keyboard keys)

(knock on door)

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MISS FANCY-PANTS CELEBRITY

BACK AMONG THE MUGGLES.

STOP. HEY, IF YOU'RE REALLY SUCH A CELEBRITY,

THEN WHERE'S YOUR POSSE, HUH? WHERE'S YOUR HYBRID?

WHERE'S YOUR INAPPROPRIATELY NAMED BABY?

I'M SORRY.

I WAS MEAN.

LOOK, IF YOU THINK THAT YOU AND GENE

HAVE SUCH A GREAT RELATIONSHIP, FINE.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. MARC, YOU WERE RIGHT. I DIDN'T WANT YOU AROUND,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE

THAT HE ONLY LOVED ME ON CAMERA.

IT WASN'T REAL. HE'S NOT EVEN MY FATHER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT WAS ALL A PUBLICITY STUNT.

HE NEEDED A GIMMICK FOR HIS REALITY SHOW,

AND I WAS JUST A GORGEOUS INGENUE

LOOKING FOR A DAD.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS BEFORE,

BUT I AM SO RELIEVED.

I MEAN, THANK GOD YOU'RE NOT RELATED.

IN TEN YEARS,

THAT MASSIVE FOREHEAD COULD BE YOU. (laughs) (laughs)

YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT I'M SORRY YOU STILL DON'T KNOW

WHO YOUR FAMILY IS.

YES, I DO.

(knock on door)

WHO IS IT?

IT'S, UM, TONY DIAZ.

OH. OH, GOD.

JUST A SECOND, OKAY? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OKAY.

OH, MY GOD. OH, GOD.

TONY. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. OH.

MISSED YOU AT THE DANCE. HEARD YOU HAD A NASTY COLD.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I JUST HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF AN...

(coughing) AH.

TICKLE IN MY THROAT.

(laughs) THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOO GOOD. (laughs) NO.

HERE. I BROUGHT YOU SOME SOUP. WHAT?

THAT IS SO NICE.

I AM SO EMBARRASSED. I LOOK HORRIBLE.

OH, NO, NO, NO, WHAT ARE YOU--NO.

YOU--YOU LOOK GREAT.

DO YOU WANNA, UM, COME IN?

(sniffles and coughs)

UH, I-I THINK I SHOULD GET GOING,

BUT, YOU, UM, YOU FEEL BETTER SOON, OKAY?

THANKS FOR THE SOUP.

MM-HMM.

UM, WHENEVER YOU'RE UP TO IT,

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD HANG OUT SOMETIME?

YEAH, I WOULD LIKE THAT. REALLY?

YEAH. (laughs)

(laughs) OKAY. GOOD.

OKAY. GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. ENJOY THE SOUP. OKAY. THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

(snapping fingers) a™a HE LIKES ME a™a

a™a HE REALLY LI... a™a (coughing)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE I BREAK THIS FAMILY APART FOR GOOD.

WOW. I LOVE THIS.

YOU'RE BACK AND WILHELMEANER THAN EVER.

WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE CALLER ON LARRY KING FROM VERMONT

PUTTING DANIEL THROUGH THE RINGER.

(imitates female voice) WELL, HE IS A SEXIST PIG.

BRILLIANT MOVE GETTING A VERMONT CELL PHONE.

(normal voice) YOU TOLD ME TO.

LIKE I SAID, BRILLIANT MOVE.

(Gio) SO THE PRINCIPAL TURNS TO HER AND SAYS...

(deepens voice) "BETTY SUAREZ, YOU'RE EXPELLED."

(laughing)

NO WAY. BADASS.

NO, IT IS NOT BADASS TO GET EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL,

SO DON'T GO GETTIN' ANY IDEAS.

TOO LATE. YOU'RE OFFICIALLY A BAD INFLUENCE.

OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO INSIDE.

YOUR MOM'S PROBABLY WAITING.

ALL RIGHT. BYE. BYE.

WAIT RIGHT HERE. I'M GONNA GO SAY

A PROPER GOOD NIGHT TO BETTY, OKAY?

(Deep Dish's "In Love With a Friend" playing)

I'M SORRY I GOT YOU INTO TROUBLE.

(lowered voice) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I HAD FUN.

(normal voice) AND BESIDES, I FIGURED OUT

WHAT MY ARTICLE'S GONNA BE ABOUT--

"YOU CAN BE YOUNG AT ANY AGE."

I MEAN, I JUST HAD MY FIRST JUNIOR HIGH DANCE,

AND I'M 24. I'M GLAD I COULD HELP.

WELL, I BETTER GET INSIDE AND START WRITING. RIGHT, RIGHT. THE DEADLINE.

YEAH. GOOD LUCK.

THANKS.

HEY, UH, CRAZY IDEA.

UM, DO YOU WANNA, UH, MAYBE,

UH, DO SOMETHING SOME-SOMETIME?

WHAT, LIKE--LIKE A DATE?

I DON'T KNOW. YEAH.

a™a AND I CAN READ... a™a

BETTY, UM, I DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT?

I JUST--I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

UM... (chuckles) OKAY. I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

SEE, YOU KISSED ME,

AND THEN YOU DANCED WITH ME,

AND YOU TALKED ABOUT BEING MY REBOUND GUY,

SO I MEAN, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

WELL, THAT'S JUST IT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REBOUND GUY.

I WANNA BE THE GUY.

a™a AND THAT FRIEND IS YOU a™a

a™a BE SURPRISED BY MY REMARKS a™a

a™a FOR THEY SURPRISE ME, TOO a™a

a™a BUT I'M IN LOVE a™a