All language subtitles for UB204

Previously on "ugly betty"... I was at your father's funeral.

I bet you're just like him.

No... I'm not.

Partial retrograde amnesia? She doesn't even remember becoming a woman.

I wanted you to know that i talked to charlie,

And she admitted everything. Who's the father?

We're gonna do a paternity test. I am freakin' fey sommers' daughter.

You are not an orphan. I need to find my father.

I'm gonna enroll in a writing class. Great.

I'm gonna be a writer. Anybody here?

Dad? We missed you.

(man) "she kissed me, but her lips were cold.

"i could never tell her that i'd loved her all along.

"she left for dusseldorf that morning...

With my heart in her backpack."

(sniffles)

Applause? Really?

Why don't you tell the class

What you like so much about this piece?

Well, um, it was sweet,

And i really felt his pain.

Here's what i felt.

(screeching)

This class is called "finding your voice."

It's for serious writers,

Not emotionally stunted dilettantes!

I expect you people to dig deeper!

Open those old wounds!

And if there are no old wounds,

Well, i always say,

"if you have nothing to write, try killing yourself.

"if you fail, you'll have something to write about.

If you succeed, your troubles will be over."

Next week, a thousand words on your most defining moment.

And you, clappy.

I'll be very interested in what you have to say.

He called you "clappy"?

Yes. He's mean.

Like simon cowell, but with a pulitzer,

And i can't just be jordin sparks good,

I have to be kelly clarkson, "miss independent" good.

I don't know any of those people,

But i read your story, and it was an a-plus.

Dad, you like everything i do.

When i was 10, you told me i could be a model.

You could be a model. A guy in a car once told me i could be a model.

I know, hilda, i stopped you from getting in that car. Oh, yeah.

This is class is phase one of my career.

I write, i get published, i work my way to editor,

And then i can run a magazine.

And then you really will need a model.

See, i shoulda got in that car. It's not a joke, hilda.

If i can't even get through this class,

Then my whole career is out the window.

Sweetheart, you had straight a's in high school.

You graduated top of your class at queens college.

Yeah, but that's not the real world,

Which is why i sent my story to daniel.

He does this for a living. He'll know if it's good...

Or if i'm gonna get voted off.

A™aa™aa™a

Hey, kiddo.

That, uh, jacket's kinda big.

It was dad's.

It's badass.

(man) a™a all the ladies in the house a™a

(belches)

(justin) ahh!

So, justin, how was your math test?

Kinda flunked it.

Whatevs. It's only the first test of the year.

It doesn't matter. Actually, no, they all matter equally. They average them.

Oh, come on. When was the last time you ever used algebra? Why do you defend him?

He's never gotten an "f" before, not even in gym. Which he calls the unhappy hour.

He will make up the test or something.

It's no big deal. God. Cut him some slack.

(alexis) this whole woman thing is hard.

It took me an hour and a half to do this makeup.

I used everything i had. You're supposed to, right?

I... Think you can

Probably save some for tomorrow.

(elevator bell dings)

I knew it was too much.

Uh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oops. Sorry.

Still not used to heels.

I need more practice. Maybe i should've stayed home.

Come on. The doctor said the best thing for your memory--

Familiar surroundings.

I know you don't remember the last two years,

But i know you remember being alex.

He was a fantastic editor.

(sighs) but in fashion, two years is a lifetime.

Plus, now i'm the new guy. I mean, chick.

Do chicks say "chick"?

And why is everyone staring at my chest?

I don't know. You might wanna button another button,

Maybe try a bra.

It's boobs. It's crazy. They're everywhere.

(gasps)

Oh, honey, no, no, no.

Ladies' room, now.

Friends don't let friends wear glitter before noon.

(man) a™a i got living in californ-i-a a™a

A™a whoo a™a

A™a from coast-to-coast, you can do it the most a™a

A™a what more can i say? A™a

Yeah. Yeah.

This is... Phat.

What'd i tell you? And as soon as this baby drops,

I'm gonna bust out of accounting, man.

I'm-a be chillin' under rihanna's umbrella--ella.

Oh, uh, super phat. (betty) here's my time card.

Uh-oh, lady parts, 12:00.

I don't know how you do it, man.

You got this piece stalking you. You got a baby mama back home.

You gotta teach me, young skywalker. Come on!

Obi-wan's the t--never mind. Just get out of here.

Hey, henry. Hey.

Kenny.

Betty. I'm just gonna give you two some space here.

So i was wondering-- (kenny) save it, b-money.

Charlie hasn't heard back yet about the paternity test. Dude!

What? Sound does not stop right here, man. Would you just...

Actually, i'm not here to talk about us...

For a change.

It's justin. He's failing algebra. What?

So i was thinking, since you're, like, a math genius,

Uh, maybe you could tutor him?

Sure. Definitely. He needs his algebra.

I mean, we use it every day.

Great. Okay. Thank you.

Um, so... I guess i'll see you later?

Yeah.

Okay.

Forget something?

Bye, kenny.

(singsongy) i'm just looking for some shoes.

Ah.

Mandy! You can't just leave the reception desk empty.

Oh, my god. Are you making out with that dog again?

Halston and i needed a little me time.

Searching for our real father is exhausting.

Can i spoon, too?

So i'm guessing no luck finding daddy?

Nada.

I googled fey. I searched this stupid room.

I read her diary. It's useless.

So fey never mentioned any men?

Not a word.

(gasps)

Maybe we need to find some pictures.

Every month, the back page of "mode"

Was filled with pictures of fey at different parties.

Go find some old issues

And see who fey was socializing with the year of your birth.

Wait. What year were you born?

1991.

You're 16?

1992.

Other way.

Now i'm moving up the british new rave piece.

I want a rewrite on "the five ways to fake it,"

And, phillip, the trash can is going to enjoy

Your snooze-inducing profile on sienna miller.

Look who's back, everyone.

(wilhelmina) oh! Alexis.

So good to see you, darling. You... Look fabulous.

(whispers) i'm not wearing a bra.

Ah. Power move. I thought we could bring alexis up to speed

On the january issue. (clears throat) and i just want to thank everyone in advance

For helping me cope with my disability.

Just bear with me.

Well, uh, the january issue is our ready-to-wear issue.

Our chief advertiser is atlantic attire,

And we will be featuring the spring collection. Sorry to interrupt, wilhelmina.

Do you mind scooting down? You know, so...

Oh.

Of course.

You are the coeditors.

You know, you should get used to not having me around.

As we all know, in a few weeks,

I will be leaving "mode" to help run meade publications

And the meade family.

So, uh, sheila, uh, future creative director,

Why don't you just take it away?

Toodles.

What a pleasant surprise.

This isn't about the wedding, is it? No, i came up

To talk to you about my new position at the company.

Now i'm thinking, after the wedding...

Well, what--what's with that look?

Oh, i'm just a bit surprised, that's all.

I didn't think you'd be coming in that often.

Claire always spent her days-- drinking and murdering fey?

Well, your ex-wife and i are very different women.

In case you haven't noticed, i'm a career gal.

You know i like to be hands-on.

And that's what i love about you.

Unh-unh-unh. Business first.

Well, as cochair of meade,

You could have creative control of any magazine you like,

Apart from--

"mode." i know.

Claire has made that impossible.

There are 22 other publications in this building.

Well, perhaps i should familiarize myself with them.

Absolutely. Talk to the editors.

They're the people you're gonna be spending your time with.

Now in the meantime, there is something over here

That you could be a little more hands-on with.

(sheila) and that's our travel feature for this month.

Great. So who's the cover?

Well, actually, we might have lost winona ryder to a movie.

Not sure whether she's making one or just going to see one.

I have an idea.

Great. Alexis, let's hear it.

Well, um, when i was at hudson,

Uh, everyone was doing johnny depp, brad pitt.

We did bill murray right before "rushmore."

This is a great opportunity for a comeback. (sheila) really?

Readers love the underdog. Listen and learn, people.

She's big.

She's sexy.

She's outrageous.

Anna nicole smith.

Bam!

Hey, there you are.

(crying) are you crying?

I'm a girl. I'm allowed to now.

I made a fool of myself in there.

You know what?

Maybe we are rushing this thing.

Why don't you take tomorrow off?

But we have that photo shoot

And the meeting with atlantic attire and...

Something else. I forget.

Damn it! I forget everything!

Hey, hey.

Come on. You're gonna be fine.

(mouths word)

You need to trust your instincts.

You are doing everything right.

Oh, and by the way, you're in the men's room. (laughs)

Daniel, i called luke carnes at atlantic attire,

Told him you'll be attending the meeting without alexis.

Here's his bio and all his previous advertising layouts.

Also, your personal trainer got moved to 2:00.

And you do know when i say "personal trainer,"

That's code for... (whispers) pedicure. I know, betty. I invented the codes.

Hm. Oh, and one more thing.

I need you to read these female empowerment articles.

Let me know what you think.

I heard the bear one's pretty good.

You know, i would do it, but i have my, uh, book club.

And when you say "book club," that's code for "hot date."

Really, betty? I mean, what's the point in having codes?

So, uh, i have plans tonight, too.

Going to my writing class.

Really? Great.

Have fun.

I will. You know, uh, reading my essay?

Out loud, for everyone?

Cool.

I'm such an idiot.

Your essay, of course.

It's great work. I gave you a gold star.

Really loved it.

(elevator bell dings)

He hated it.

But i thought he said it was great?

What's the problem? Well, he did,

But he gave me that fake smile and the thumbs-up.

He always does that when he's lying.

Hey. Call me later.

Oh, definitely.

(bradford) did you read

The quarterly competitive analysis?

Riveting.

Ready, slave?

Okay.

But i mean, this is daniel.

He's not exactly the arbiter of great literature, is he?

Let's face it. The only reason he's here is because of his dad.

Well, maybe it started that way, but he's proven himself.

Daniel is very smart...

In a high five kinda way,

And he's the first person who ever believed in me,

So if daniel thinks i suck, then...

Oh, sweetheart, i'm sure your story is lovely.

What's it about again?

I wrote about staying home on prom night.

Oh, wow. That sounds really sweet.

No. The professor wants grim and tortured.

Damn it! Why do i have to be so sweet?

"i saw the sun rise over the valley

"for the first time in ten years,

And i knew i was home."

The end.

Yes, jeremy, it is the end.

The end of literature.

Oh, god. If only i hadn't blown that pulitzer money

At the indian casino.

Let the torture continue.

You're up, crappy.

Actually, it's...

Clappy.

("main title (theme from 'jaws')" playing)

I hope your thoughts are better organized than your bag.

All right! There aren't enough hours in the day!

"when i saw my blood dripping off the bear's teeth... "

You stop now?

For the first time today, i wasn't bored.

Read. Read! Start with the title!

"girl gone wild: how i survived a bear attack."

By betty suarez.

A™aa™aa™a

So if the hemlines in fall 2001

Were 6 inches below the knee,

And the hemlines in fall 2006 were 2 inches above the knee,

What will the hemlines be in 2012, given the current rate?

Who cares?

Oh.

I thought you liked all this fashion stuff.

Uh... Let's find something else.

What--what are you into these days?

Not algebra.

Okay.

Well, um, good work today.

See you tomorrow.

Wow.

So, mr. Suarez,

Will betty be home soon?

You're here for justin.

Let's keep it about that.

Sure.

"and as i write this,

"pregnant...

"with my first child...

I realize i survived for a reason."

That...

Was exactly what i've been looking for.

Why can't the rest of you get attacked by a bear?

Your assignment for this week is to live dangerously.

Stop a knife fight. Take a bone from a pit bull.

Now!

Suarez!

Nice work.

It was worth almost having your ear torn off.

Just out of perverse curiosity,

May i see it?

No. I'm very self-conscious.

I thought it was your right ear.

It is. When the bear was done with this one,

He started nibbling on that one. (chuckles)

(betty groans)

Stupid bear.

Stupid class.

Oh.

(high-pitched male voice) you lying bitch.

Poquito?

Is that you?

Yeah, that's right. The bear's talking.

You didn't write that story.

You stole it.

I didn't mean to. It was a mistake.

Betty suarez is a cheater.

They laugh at me every day at "mode."

I didn't want them laughing at me in class, too, poquito.

Wanna know

What a bear attack really feels like, betty?

(growling)

Poquito!

No! No!

(pants)

(wilhelmina) oh, marcie.

Yes, william?

Fix your makeup, doll.

We're heading up to the executive suite,

Where every magazine in the meade empire

Is coming to kiss the ring of the new cochair.

(giggles)

"adventure time" is extreme,

Extremely extreme.

It's base jumping off the space needle. Huh!

It's surfing a tsunami. Huh!

It's basically anything that breaks bones or cracks teeth.

Our readers won't be satisfied until they've slammed into...

A chocolate soufflã©

Drizzled with a raspberry coulis.

Ooh! And february's issue is devoted entirely to...

Crã¨me fraã®che!

Because we here at "cucina" believe that crã¨me fraã®che

Belongs on...

Boobs.

That's what our 30-something straight male demo wants to see.

You're a talented lady. You could do this in your sleep.

Slap a hottie on the cover, throw in some articles

On fast cars, video games and guns,

And pop! You're money.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh! The smell of prada!

(sniffs) there's no place like home.

This isn't our home anymore, marc. We have no home.

I'm gonna be stuck upstairs in that executive suite

Dealing with those commoners. Willie, i think we may have made a terrible mistake.

I know. All i wanted to do was run a fashion magazine.

I was a simple girl with an evil plan.

Fashion is our passion!

But meade only has one fashion magazine,

And it will never be mine.

Oh! We're doomed! Doomed!

Off the floor, marc.

(clears throat)

No, your instincts were right. Fall again.

Doomed!

(gurgling noise)

("main title (theme from 'jaws')" playing)

(stops typing)

A™aa™aa™a

(daniel) i heard you're a cheater. What?

I said, i'm out of sweetener. Can you grab me some downstairs?

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, what's your bunny doing in the...

(telephone rings)

(ring) daniel meade's office.

This is professor barrett. Is this betty suarez?

No.

Yes.

Come see me at 2:00. We need to discuss your essay.

A™aa™aa™a

So, luke, i'll talk to our advertisers,

But i can pretty much promise atlantic attire

Ten pages in our january issue at a cut rate.

Good to be in business with you, danny boy,

And i like your style, too.

Just one thing i need you to help me out with, though,

Before i sign a big, fat check. Anything. Hit me.

It's about your sister. I didn't realize she would be

Coming back to work, after the accident and all.

Yeah, she really pulled through.

I mean, we're excited to have her back.

Yeah, see, that's the problem. Atlantic attire is innocent.

I'm not sure we want to be associated

With a magazine run by a cross-dresser. Are you kidding with this?

Aw, come on. Don't be all, "he's a hater."

I am the most tolerant man in town.

I got a black and a jew assistant, all right?

And the gays? Couldn't have an oscar party without 'em.

But i am a businessman. I got a company i'm trying to brand.

I got a hundred stores i'm opening next month.

I can't afford to be associated

With the whole he/she element. Are you asking me to fire my own sister to get your account?

Dude, it sucks. I get it.

I had to give up the... (sniffs) you know what i'm saying?

But these, my brother,

Are the sacrifices we gotta make for the bottom line.

You think about it and you get back to me.

Ms. Suarez.

(door closes)

Professor barrett, i can explain.

It's very rare to find someone

Who can be so honest about their experiences.

This class is all about finding your voice,

And, well, consider yours found.

It is?

Your story moved me so much,

I just couldn't bear to keep it to myself.

And that was not a pun. I never pun.

So what are you saying?

I sent it to a colleague,

An editor at "the new york review."

He'd like to see you... Today.

Well, well, it...

But... But i...

You really do save it for the page, don't you?

(mutters)

I know you told me not to come in today,

But after spending the day playing with makeup,

I think i finally got it right.

So i came in to show it off.

How'd the meeting with the advertiser go?

Yeah, great.

Don't give me the smile and the thumb.

Okay. The truth?

I think i lost the account.

Why?

The guy had some issues with our staff. What? With who?

Doesn't matter. It's not his place.

Daniel, who are you protecting?

You.

Me? What did i ever do to him?

Oh. I get it.

He doesn't want to sign with "mode"

Because the coeditor-in-chief is...

Like this.

Hey, hey. Where are you going?

Maybe i should have just stayed home after all.

It's one advertiser. Don't let it get to you.

It's not worth it. No, i'm not worth it. Look at me, i'm a mess.

I drove away that advertiser.

I practically killed us both in that accident.

I told you, that wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was! I can't do anything right.

I can't drive. I can't do my job.

Uh! And i can't freakin' walk in these!

(marc) i'm okay.

Come on, halston. Help me out here.

I'm trying to find our daddy.

Just bark if you see someone you recognize.

(gasps)

Ooh. "mousse-- the 'it' beauty product." (whimpers)

I heart the '80s.

(whimpers)

What is it, boy?

(barks)

(gasps) "editor-in-chief, fey sommers,

And her assistant, wanda, at the palladium."

Who the hell is wanda?

(gasps)

Okay, slim the nose,

Add about 20 years,

A little botox.

Yes, yes.

(gasps)

Oh... My... Dog.

(barks) ugly willie.

(whimpers)

What did you just call me?

You're saying no to "the new york review"?

"the new york review"?

Do you have any idea how many doors this could open for you?

I'm sorry, but i...

I can't.

The truth is... (telephone rings)

Hello?

Yes, i'm sitting with her right now.

It's the legal department. What? But no one's done anything illegal.

We don't need lawyers.

It's just a routine fact check on your piece. Uh-huh.

No. I haven't seen the ear yet.

Now what do i need to do

To convince you to let us print your piece?

Sir, what i am trying to tell you is that...

I work at "mode."

That thing with the clothes.

Yes, and if i were to let a competing magazine

Print my article without giving them first look,

Then they would fire me.

Definitely, they would fire me.

We couldn't let that happen

To someone who's expecting, now could we?

Expecting?

Oh! Yes, of course, my baby.

Well, thank you.

That is very kind.

You're carrying low.

It's a boy.

I can always tell.

Thank you.

Interesting fact-- drop a penny

And a blonde receptionist from the 28th floor,

And they both hit the sidewalk at the same time.

I believe they call it,

Uh, terminal velocity.

Okay, i think

This is a really good time to point out...

(lowers voice) that i am not a real blonde.

I thought i had gotten rid of all the pictures of wanda.

Apparently, i missed one.

I will never speak of this again.

I don't even remember what we're talking about right now.

Okay, look, the only reason

I was looking at old pictures of fey

Is because i'm trying to figure out who my real father is.

Even if i wanted to express sympathy,

I physically can't.

Okay, so... If you're not gonna hurt me,

Then i'll just...

There's just one more thing.

According to the date on those photos,

You were my mother's assistant during her pregnancy.

Oh, please, wilhelmina.

You're my last hope.

Is there any chance that you know who my father is?

April 26, 1981.

Studio 54.

It was the early days of glam rock fashion.

Liza's between gay husbands,

And the party celebrating fey's first issue of "mode"

Is in full swing.

It's snowing everywhere,

And fey's the belle of the ball. (camera shutter clicks rapidly)

(blondie) a™a seemed like the real thing a™a

I quickly lose track of her.

Then i hear fey's distinctive laugh.

(fey laughs)

I didn't see anything

But the tweety bird tattoo on his ass.

A™a once i had love, and it was divine a™a

A™a soon found out i was losing my mind a™a

I was conceived during studio 54?

I knew there was glamour in my genes.

When fey started puking up her breakfast,

She was thrilled...

Until she realized she was pregnant.

She swore me to secrecy,

And in exchange, paid for my transformation

From mousy assistant wanda

Into supermodel wilhelmina.

So you know who he is?

No.

Oh.

Thanks anyway.

Amanda.

I've done a lot to put wanda behind me.

Your secret's safe with me.

I've put my blood, sweat and old nose into this place.

If i can't have "mode,"

No one else can.

(fire crackles)

Daniel, i want to talk to you about luke carnes.

I already know what you're gonna say.

I have no intention of asking alexis to step down. You underestimate me, daniel.

I think we should lose the account. What?

We don't need atlantic attire or their money.

We have dozens of other loyal advertisers.

Why would you back me on this?

(sighs) daniel, whether you like it or not,

We're about to become a family,

And family sticks together.

So, luke,

Let's talk about this account.

Where do i sign?

Actually, uh, you don't.

You see, "mode" doesn't need to be associated with bigots.

You're turning down ten pages for a man in a skirt?

That man is my sister.

Dude, i'm trying to help you out.

I don't need your help, dude.

Oh! Oh!

Betty. Henry.

So i totally sucked at tutoring yesterday.

I referred to nine as a prime number.

Can you imagine? Nine--only divisible by one and itself?

I completely forgot about three. Oh, no.

I know, but i am not giving up.

I stayed up all night,

And i came up with some awesome new stuff. You did?

I'm gonna dress up like pythagoras

And teach him the pythagorean theorem.

That's so sweet. Thank you, um, for caring.

Oh, well, a boy needs his... Algebra.

Okay.

Catch you later, calculator.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Hi. Can i help you?

You must be betty suarez.

Uh-huh.

I hear we have a lot in common.

First i was victimized by a grizzly and now you.

I'm not sure which is worse. Ms. Worthington, i can explain.

Please explain why i got a call from my agent

Telling me the story i submitted to "mode"

Ended up at "the new york review" with your name on it.

Well, i didn't mean for it to--

We'd be happy to.

Hi. Daniel meade, editor-in-chief. Nice to meet you.

You'll be the second person i name in my lawsuit.

No, daniel, ms. Worthington, this was all my mistake.

It was a big, huge mistake.

Actually, it was mine. See, i had two stories on my desk.

I must have mixed up the covers, because i sent the one

I thought was betty's

To a friend of mine at "new york review,"

And he flipped over the story. Your story, unfortunately.

That is not the unfortunate part, if you ask me.

Yes, it is, because there is no way "mode"

Would let anyone else publish your amazing piece.

In fact, we're prepared to offer you double your fee.

I'm sorry. Talk into the good ear.

Did you say double?

Absolutely.

Well, i will think of something else for "the new york review."

Next summer i'm going diving in australia.

Lots of sharks there.

Fingers crossed.

Betty, why don't you escort ms. Worthington down

And get the contract signed?

And when you're done, stop by my office.

We have to have a little chat.

(henry) hello?

Hello?

Justin?

I--

Justin?

(latin music playing)

(turns stereo off, tapes fall)

Justin!

What's your damage, yo?

Are you here alone?

You're supposed to be working on your algebra, not making out.

And--and i'm sure you're very nice,

But you really shouldn't be wearing clothes like that

Until... Ever.

(scoffs)

And you're drinking? It's just beer.

Beer is a gateway drug.

Justin.

Back off. You're not my dad!

I...

What were you thinking?

Do you know how much trouble "mode" could have gotten into?

How much trouble you could've gotten into?

I know! I know. It was stupid, but i...

I got so nervous,

And you read my story,

And you gave me that fake smile and the thumbs-up.

Wait. Does everybody know about that?

Look, daniel, i know you didn't like it,

So i read that woman's story,

But i never thought it was gonna get so out of control.

You did all this because i didn't like your story?

Yeah. I mean, your opinion means a lot to me.

That's crazy. Why do you even care what i think?

Because you're the editor of "mode,"

And you're my friend.

Betty...

You can't put me on a pedestal. I mean, trust me,

I don't deserve it. You know as well as i do,

The only reason i'm in this job is because of my father.

Well, that's just what everybody else says.

Everybody says that?

Daniel, it doesn't matter.

You are good at this, and you're getting better,

And...

Wait. This is supposed to be my pep talk.

Okay, then you should have faith in yourself.

You're gonna get better, too.

I mean, maybe your story... Wasn't that great--

Do you understand the meaning of "pep talk"?

Maybe it wasn't that great, but--there is a but--

It doesn't matter what i think.

It doesn't matter what your professor thinks.

Do you like your story?

Well... The spelling was impeccable,

And there were some funny lines.

See? I mean, there you go.

It's okay to make mistakes.

You just have to learn from them.

I know i do.

Guest list. Studio 54.

I was a good assistant.

And just so you know,

Fey quit smoking during her pregnancy...

Eventually.

Now if that doesn't say love,

I don't know what does.

(liquid trickling)

(closes zipper)

Hey, whoa, whoa! Hey, buddy. Uncool.

It's just me.

Didn't we just have the men's bathroom conversation yesterday?

I just heard what happened with atlantic attire.

I-i can't believe you did that.

You're the best brother in the world. No, i'm not.

Not even close. Come on, daniel. You totally stood up for me.

Look, stop it. Why are you being so weird about this?

You took care of me.

You've been taking care of me since the accident.

Look, i can't do this anymore.

Get out.

It wasn't your fault.

What?

The accident. It was my fault.

I thought you said i swerved to miss a deer.

Yeah, i lied. I was drunk. I was spun out on pills.

You were speeding to try and get me to help.

As usual, i was the screwup.

I'm the reason you almost died.

It was my fault.

It was just an accident.

Hi, daddy.

Oh, and hello to you, too, pops.

Mm.

(gasps)

Hola, papi.

You were all at studio 54 that night,

And i will find that tweety bird

If i have to search every one of your asses.

Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big.

I just talked to tommy at ralph lauren

Who talked to ralph at tommy hilfiger

Who slept with calvin at donna karan

Who had drinks with karen at calvin klein--

Point? They all know about atlantic attire pulling out.

And now all those companies

Are talking about pulling their advertising, too.

People are saying that "mode" is in trouble. Wonder who started that rumor.

Oh, my god. It's happened.

The botox has finally seeped into your brain.

What are you doing? I took lemons and made a lemon martini.

So you want to destroy "mode"?

Don't get me wrong, mad props on the evil,

But i don't understand. Why?

Follow the bread crumbs, gretel.

There's only room for one fashion magazine

At meade publications,

But if something were to happen to "mode,"

There would be room for...

Holy rosie, oprah, martha!

"slater"--the fashion luxury magazine of the future.

It will rise like a phoenix

From the ashes of "mode."

(click)

(crackling)

Henry, what's going on?

It's justin. He's a mess, and i can't do anything about it.

What are you talking about? Well, i got here tonight and found him kissing a girl--

With tongue-- and drinking beer.

Are you kidding? This is all my fault. I should have been here earlier.

Henry, it's not your fault.

Justin's going through some rough times.

He's gonna make mistakes. That's what kids do. I didn't have a sip of beer until college,

And i threw up all over the quad.

In fact, i hope he's up there throwing up right now. Henry.

Well, it might be good for him. Maybe he'll learn his lesson.

Or not. I don't know. Tough love?

Okay. Stop freaking out. This is hilda's responsibility.

Well, i should know what to do, and i don't.

Why do you need to know what to do?

Because i'm gonna be a father!

Oh.

So the baby's yours?

A™aa™aa™a

Well, how long have you known?

A couple days.

A™aa™aa™a

I didn't want to tell you because...

As long as you didn't know, there was still...

I don't know...

Some fantasy where you and i could be together.

A™aa™aa™a

I'm sorry, betty.

A™aa™aa™a

You should go.

A™aa™aa™a

(man) a™a the sigh a™a

A™a is more than i can bear a™a

A™a fooling... A™a

(betty) sometimes we want things to be different.

We think maybe if we pretend that they are,

Fool people, that's enough,

But it never is.

I know you all loved my last story,

But the truth is, it wasn't mine,

And all the wonderful things you said about it

Just made me feel awful.

So i'm sorry for lying.

And today i want to share with you my real story.

"queen of my own prom."

(scattered chuckles)

A™aa™aa™a

By betty suarez.

A™aa™aa™a