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(wheel cranking)

(winding down)

Nil desperandum,
eh, Taxi?

Ah!

Almost as new.

A First Millennium BC
dog bowl...

for the Labrador
of Liverpool Street.

(sniffing)

(whimpering)
(smacks lips)

MAN: Oh, there you are,
Mr. Bunbury.

You were supposed to be
giving your speech
four and half minutes ago.

I think it's a rather
good turnout, don't you?
Yes.

More chance for you
to screw it up.
You'll be fine.

You will be fine.
Yes.

I'll have them eating
out of my hand.

Oh, dear.
It seems a bit glued on. I--

(gasps)
Oh, I can't look.

Is that a dog biscuit,
Charles?
Mmm. It's rather good.

CHARLES: What are these
curious numbers at the bottom
of this card?

MAN: That's the date.
Oh, really.

I thought the date was
the number in the brackets.

Don't mention the number
in the brackets.
Woof, woof! Ah!

CHARLES: Our core business is,
of course,

making money.

For 200 years, Tuftons has
survived war, depression

and some really awful
'80s suits.

I'm not looking at anyone
in particular, Nick.

-(crowd laughs)
-(chuckles)

Now, has anyone here
lost a hedge fund?

(all laugh)

(laughs)

Not in my wife's
wildest dreams--

He doesn't feature
in my wildest dreams.

-could she have imagined
me addressing you--
-(mouthing words)

as chairman of the bank
her family funded
200 years ago.

-GUESTS: Yes, yes.
-(light applause)

You know, I am but a small
cog in the wheel

serving our shareholders--

the largest of whom
happens to be my wife, Penelope.

(applause)

Because we here
at Tuftons believe

that if we take care
of our customer values

and our staff values,

the shareholder value
will look after itself.

(guests laugh)

Thank you. Thank you.

-Take Jenkins here--
-(gasps)

C-Come, come.
Come on, Jenkins.

Yes, you know, 15 years ago
Jenkins was about to retire.

He'd been with us
in the backroom
it seemed forever.

Part of the family, really.

Said he'd do anything
to stay on, so--

We paid for driving lessons,

and Jenkins has been
driving me, well, ever since.

(laughs)

(snorts, chuckles)

Of course he has to retake
the test every year, I know,
but my point is

he represents
the kind of values
that Tuftons has stood for...

for two centuries.

Oh!
(light applause)

(mouthing words)

And-And so--
so I take great pleasure

in proposing a toast
to Tuftons...

and the next 200.

GUESTS: Next 200!

Tuftons.

(glass shattering)
Good job.

I have always admired
your hair.

Oh, Beatrice, channeling
your inner flapper, I see.

It's lovely.

Grinding's the name,
banking's the game.

Richard Grinding, Interglobal.
That was a hell of a speech.

Oh! Apologies
if it was too long.

I didn't have time
to write a shorter one.
(laughs)

Did you enjoy the speech,
my snapdragon?
(scoffs)

Jenkins was, admittedly,
a nice touch,

if borderline crassly
sentimental.

Hey, Richard Grinding,
Interglobal.

Boy, I wish all my executives
looked like you.

I'm Charles's wife.
Ah!

Though I have been
on a sabbatical.
For 20 years.

Well, the compliment stands.

I wish all my wives
looked like you.
Oh, please! Don't.

Get me away from this
frightful American.
It was nice meeting you.

Charles, I have to say,
we at Interglobal think
Tuftons is a fine institution.

Really. First-class clientele.
Tradition!

I went to Yale, you know.

"Y" is for youthfulness,
"A" is for ambition,

"L" is for liberalism,
"E" is for enterprise!

Mercifully you didn't attend
Massachusetts Institute
of Technology.

You guys always been
on this site?

-We didn't move here
until 1895.
-(chuckles)

If you want to sell
a controlling shareholding,

we at Interglobal are
highly energized to dominate
the capital market.

Not sure
I catch your drift.

They want to buy Tuftons.
I'm afraid it's not for sale.

Charles's job is to hand
the bank to the next generation

in a better condition
than when he started.

Even if the next generation
don't deserve it.

-Our daughter was supposed
to be here.
-That's a shame.

Well, if you ever
change your mind--

it is a woman's prerogative,
after all.

(camera shutter clicks)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Nakamura-san.

Great privilege
to see you, Charles Bunbury.

How are things
at Honshu Bank?

We pruned,
cut out the dead weed,

and now we sow the seeds
over long-term success

to become ichiban.

-Number-one bank on planet.
-So I see.

(clicks)

What is this,
Charles Bunbury?

Tuftons sponsors the world
wiff waff championships.

Wiff waff?
What is wiff waff?

It was invented on
the dining tables of England
in the 1880s.

You mean ping-pong?
Wiff waff.

So called because
its first bats used parchment
stretched across the frame.

When you hit the ball,
it made a sound
that gave the game its name.

We at Tuftons have been playing
since the beginning
on that very boardroom table.

So you play boardroom
table tennis?

No.

We play wiff waff.

-I like the "riff-raff."
-Good!

But obviously, we don't
have any riffraff as buyers.

(ball bouncing)

Ooh!

Today I make you

offer of a boardroom
wiff waff table and bats.

In fact, whole bank.
Very generous offer.

(grunts)

Everything all right, boss?

Flawless victory.

(computer beeping)

It's extraordinary.
The bank's been around
for over 200 years

without so much
as a sniff of a takeover.

Suddenly, two offers
come along at once.

It's like London buses.

What on earth would you know
about London buses?
Not a lot.

Much the same as
investment banking then.

Did I mention
just the other day

I was telling Penelope
that I needed more space,
so she locked me outside.

I think you did.
PENELOPE: I heard that!

Did you say two offers?
Yes.

Yes, a Yank named Grinding.
Do you know him?
Not personally.

Maybe he heard about
our sticky patch.
"Sticky patch"?

(whispering)
What sticky patch?
Relax.

I've just done a trade
to end all trades.

(computer beeping)

(chattering)

MAN: Look out!
(women gasping)

(guests murmuring)

Geez! Where's armed security?

(guests gasping)

(snickers)

-Capitalism isn't working!
-Protesting isn't working.

-Get down from there!
-Make me!

Who the hell is that?

PENELOPE: Get down, I say!

That's our daughter.

Pumpkin!

(whispering)
I didn't think you were coming.

-This bank paid for your
education, your clothes--
-And don't I know it.

Still you think
that A-level is the first row
of Top Shop.

I made it clear
that if she ran off
with the hippie-dippies,

the checkbook
would be closed.

Are we blackmailing
our daughter?
It's a good thing.

Money may not be everything,
but it keeps you close
to your children.

Oh, please, someone
just Tase me.

-I can't bare
to hear this again.
-(kisses)

Cheerio!

-Do you know that man?
-Well, you always say you want
to meet my boyfriends.

-(giggles) Excuse me!
-Just get them
out of here.

(shouting)

You know, she really
doesn't mean it, dear.

She doesn't know
what she means.

DAUGHTER: Bye!

So what's your secret?

Oh, uh, we go out
twice a week.

I go out Tuesdays
and Thursdays.

Penelope goes out
Wednesdays and Fridays.

Don't give me that.

How did you two become
banking's power couple?

Ah.

Well, when her father realized
we were going to be a fixture,

he decided I needed a job.

So you don't have any
banking qualifications?
No, not at all.

I'm luckily surrounded
by some very clever people.

Take young Nick Freeman
over there.

When he first joined he didn't
know his mushy pea from
his avocado mousse.

Now he's one of our
rising stars.

Today, he completed
the trade to end all trades

to help us through
our sticky patch.

Sticky patch?

I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.

Oh, we couldn't be
in better shape, old bean.
(nervous chuckle)

Just, uh, take a look at some
of these big numbers, huh?

That's in brackets.

A detail.

Must speak to my accountant
about it. Graham!

(clears throat)
What are these, uh--
these brackets for?

After my discovery
last night,

I'd say our conservative
estimate were about £306 million
behind budget

with very little chance
of making it up
before year's end.

Now, I'd say we have
no alternative but to issue
a profits warning.

I want to say I feel very
queasy about these numbers.

Relax, Arthur.
You're a non-exec.

You're like the lights
on our corporate Christmas tree.

You just sparkle brightly.
You're not supposed to
actually do anything.

That's unfair.

I always represent the bank
at the Chelsea Flower Show.

It all relates to our
position in mortgage-backed
securities.

I don't need to tell you
what that means.

Absolutely.
Although it is difficult for me
to follow precisely

because I've never needed
a mortgage myself.

Run it past me
one more time.

Okay, picture...

an out-of-work coal miner
with five children living in
a council flat.

"Ninjas," we call them.

No income, no job,
no assets.

The ninja is approached
by a young aggressive
mortgage broker,

who offers him a mortgage
for its fully inflated value

plus 20 grand thrown in
for fixtures and fittings.

So, we package these
all together

with loads of dodgy car loans
and a few household appliance
advances

and call it
a special investment vehicle,
or "SIV" for short.

Oh, I see.

So, it's a "sieve"
because it's got holes in it.

But what happens when someone
wants to know what's left
in this sieve of yours?

They seldom do.
But don't worry,
because at this point,

I invite the rating's
agency out for a slap-up meal.

Over coffee, I describe
this toxic concoction,

but they're having
a good time,

they decide to give
the top tier of debt

a triple-A credit rating
to disguise
the cesspool underneath.

Now we're off to the races.

We can package it all together
and sell it onto another bank
for 50 million.

I see.

So, it's like Pass the Parcel.

There's a recession on!

People are losing
their jobs.

They can't
make repayments.

Besides, it's so complicated
now nobody can work out

which are the good loans
and the bad.

So, I just flip
the whole package onto
some unsuspecting loser

and joy-- it's bonus time.

And last time, we won
Pass the Parcel to the tune
of a cool 200 mil.

Look, Tuftons has always
done the right thing.

Now, if we want to survive,
then we've no alternative but
to write down the investment.

Good idea, Graham.

Why don't you write it all down
and have a report on my desk
in the morning.

Just that, um,
what I've discovered is that

one of our traders lost
a lot of money

on what was a-- (laughs)
pretty stupid transaction even
by today's subprime standards.

Aren't you responsible
for our traders, Nick?

What if I am, Graham?

You two are just
doomed to have a clash
of personalities, aren't you?

How can you have
a personality clash with someone
who doesn't have a personality?

But Graham does have
a brain like a computer, Nick.

Well, I'll enjoy punching
the numbers in, won't I?

CHARLES: So, I just want to get
one thing clear:

these big numbers
in the brackets

are bad.

Yes, they're, uh, negative.

And we need to declare them
to our shareholders.
I'm sure they'll back us.

Tell them,
they'll lose confidence.

The whole thing will crumble,
and we'll lose control
of the bank.

And that, Charles,
is bad.

(sighs)

Nick. Nick!

Uh,

last night you mentioned
something about a trade

that could help us
through our sticky patch.

Relax. Another day,
another deal.

Have you heard of
Nurgistan Gas?

No. Should I have?

Largest natural active
gas field in the world.

They're flogging it
to the Ruskies.

But my sources tell me
they're ready to start
dealing with the Chinese.

Which will triple
their profit.

Let me bet the bank,
and Tuftons will live
to fight for another 200 years.

That's the spirit.

It's such a good deal.
I maybe thinking about
investing myself.

Are you?

Well, it sounds a bit
complicated,

but if you're sure.

Oh, I am.

Or just to make
absolutely sure
of saving Tuftons,

you could always
raise some capital
by selling shares in the bank.

Fetch, Taxi!

(barking)

I have Charles Bunbury
returning Mr. Grinding's call.

Please could you
put me through?

Mr. Grinding is
never put on hold.

Please put me through
to Mr. Bunbury first.

Please, put Mr. Grinding
on the line first,
then I'll get Charles.

It won't take a moment.

You don't understand.
That simply isn't possible.

(cell phone ringing)

Grinding.

Bunbury here.
I've been trying
to return your call.

How'd you get through?

Good old-fashioned
British ingenuity, my friend.

It's good to hear from you.
Working hard?

-Oh, you know, flat out!
-(whirring)

I guess you're
a 24/7 type of guy.

Twenty-four hours a week,
seven months a year-- that's me!

(machine whirring)

(barks)

I wanted to follow up on our
conversation from last night.

-I have a proposal for you.
-Really?

Interglobal is interested in
making an offer for Tuftons,

and we're willing to offer
£9 a share.

That's disgusting!

Okay, okay. I think
we can push it to £10.

-Taxi!
-Well, don't go. I--

(whirring)

-Bitch!
-What?

£10 a share?

Charles, are you
walking Taxi?

Sorry, Dick. Must dash.

I'm sorry, darling.
I didn't hear you coming.

Normally I spot the badgers
jumping into their traps
as you approach.

Charles, I thought I told you
to tak the dog for a walk.

-Do you never learn
from your mistakes?
-I try to forget my mistakes.

I find there's little point
in two people remembering
the same thing.

(birds squawking)

Darling, I think I'm getting
a bit old for this banking game.

I was born into a time
when "gay" meant "happy,"

a "Big Mac" was just
a large raincoat

and safe sex meant having
a padded headboard.

Have I become a bit
of a dinosaur?

I hope you're not thinking
about leaving Jurassic Park,
Charles?

No. No, no, but surely
you're not suggesting that
I just go on and on?

I generally do.
And it's far too late
for a midlife crisis.

Besides, what on earth
would you do?

True, I am what I do,

which is not very much
admittedly.
(chuckles)

Men are defined
by what they do,
or at least seem to be doing.

I call it
the cocktail party test.
What do you mean?

I feel an overwhelming
obligation to justify
my existence

whenever someone asks me
what I do at a cocktail party.
Hm.

Do you remember
when we...

first got married?

We agreed that...

you would handle all
the minor decisions,

and I would decide
the major ones.

And we've had 30 years
without a major decision,
thanks to me.

I think we can manage
another 200 years without one,
don't you?

NAKAMURA: My offer of
£11 a share is 2 billion.

A very large sum
when I get no fixed asset
if something goes wrong.

Don't forget the portrait
in the boardroom.

But the only real assets
are bankers

who can walk out of door,
take clients with them.

Mm-hmm.

Have you considered giving
them golden handcuffs?

-Golden handcuffs?
-Financial incentives, making it
impossible for them to leave.

I need to know more about
your honorable institution.

At Tuftons we basically
have two divisions.

Firstly, fund management.
They sort of invest your money
until it's gone.

Secondly, private banking.

They will lend you money,
provided you've proved
to our satisfaction

that you don't need it.

(dog whimpers)

NAKAMURA: Banking is indeed
a complex business.

Why don't we make things
a bit more interesting?

If I win, the price
goes to £12.

You toy with me,
Charles Bunbury.

-I hope your golf is not
as good as your wiff waff.
-Much better.

Fore!

-Where did it go?
-Off to the right.

We call that a George Bush.
(chuckles)

Graham, if one wanted to say,
theoretically speaking
of course,

sell some shares at £12,

how many would one have to
sell to raise--

let's just pull a figure
out of the air-- £300 million?

Very approximately.

You have run this past
Mrs. Bunbury, haven't you?

Of course I have.
Hypothetically.

25 million.
Thank you, Graham.
Excellent data.

Nick!

This Nurgistan Gas thing,
you're happy with it?
Of course.

They're due to announce
a major new fracking field,
after all it's only "OPM."

"Only Penelope's Money"?

Other People's Money.
Of course!

We max out
the clients' accounts,
swap into the dollar

and hedge into
the inter-bank market.

All clear now?
Genius, I'd say.

You might want to hold off
on that profits warning.

I don't think
that's wise, sir.

Graham, do you know why
the accountant crossed
the road?

I haven't the faintest idea,
though strictly speaking,
I'm a quantitative analyst.

-Because he did the same
last year.
-(laughs)

Sometimes, Graham,
even as a quant,
you have to go with the flow.

Let the trend be your friend.

What is it you always say?

Trash 'em and cash 'em,
pump 'em and dump 'em.

Yes, you're the man now.
Way to go. (laughs)

There are some people
who think I'm a fuddy-duddy.
That's quite extraordinary.

-These are the e-mails
you need to reply to, sir.
-Ah.

Tip-top.

Oh, Nick, I'm not sure
we need to mention any of this
to Penelope, hmm?

(chuckles)

(man on phone, indistinct)

Yes, please buy me
200 million shares
in Nurgistan Gas.

You can take the money out of
my wife's pension fund account.

Are you sure?
That's a hell of an order.

Of course I'm sure.
I know these things.

Well, actually I don't,
but I know a man who does.

I forgot to ask, how did it go
with that dreadful American
after I left?

Oh, I think you'll be
quite surprised

with how I've managed
the, um, situation.

Situation? (scoffs)
A polite word for "arse."

(both giggle)

This is Nurgistan,
home of the world's biggest
natural gas discovery.

It's where they've been using
state-of-the-art
fracking technology.

But this morning,
the site triggered the most
severe earthquake--

an earthquake zone
in Nurgistan's history.

(groans)

The gas explosion was,
say experts,

the equivalent of two
Hiroshima nuclear blasts.

(explosion)

The environmental fallout
is expected

to make the damage
of the Deep Water Horizon
oil spill

look like a storm in a teacup.

(TV chatter)

Everything all right, dear?

(TV: cartoon)

-What are you doing here?
-(rabbit groans)

(bouncing noises)

Oh, dear.

Thank you.

How bad is it?
Nurgistan Gas is down 75%
and may tank altogether.

(explosion)

Oh, dear God.

I can't have lost
all of Penny's money.
She'll kill me.

We're talking a paper loss
of two and a half billion,

a touch more than
the net worth of the bank.

Okay. Well, the bank is doomed.

I'm doomed. You're doomed.

In fact,
we're all bloody doomed.

This is, uh,

potentially very bad,
isn't it?

With a global American bank
circling Tuftons,

there is market gossip
that the Japanese
are also interested.

So, Andrew, tell us,
what is the reaction
from staff at Tuftons?

(ringtone: siren wailing)

PENELOPE: What's happening?
with my bank?

Because I'm here
watching the news,

and it appears that we've
got Interglobal hammering
at our gates.

Do we have a white flag flying
outside Tuftons already?

Strictly speaking,
it's not entirely your bank,
sweetness.

My point.
Any more of this nonsense
and it will be their bank.

Are you in control there
or not?

My war cabinet
is meeting even as we speak.

That would be you,
Graham and Sophie.

Uh--

Uh, yes.

Precisely.

Charles. Charles?
Please use your brain.

Definitely use your ears,
they're not just for glasses.

They're not flaps of skin
that are useful on your head--

They're useful things.
Charles? Are you there?

Are you still listening to me?
Of course I am, dear.

I had the feeling
I was talking to myself.

Ha! Never! Never!
I hang on your every word.

Hang on to these words, Charles:
don't lose my bank.

(slams)

(beeping)

(gasps)

(exhales)

Are you sure?
The Japs will want
to take over the bank as well.

GRAHAM: Getting the Japanese
to block the American bid

is potentially
a bit of a River Kwai option,
but it might just work.

Thank you for your analysis,
but what I really need
is your trousers.

Lovely.
Thank you
very much.

I wonder if Graham's okay
in the car.

I did leave the window
open a bit.

Mr. Nakamura,
thank you for seeing us.

I understand.
Please.

We would like to accept
your honorable offer to buy
a shareholding in our bank,

and we'd like to ask
how you might feel
about £11 per share.

Thank you, Mr. Charles,
for your very
honorable proposal.

I know that my famous victory
on the golf course meant
we agreed to £12 per share.

But, between friends,
that's all history now.

But we have
this morning bought

10.1% of Tuftons for £2.50.

I'm sorry, £2... per share.

You and the Thunderbirds here
thought you'd nip in
and buy us on the cheap?

Integrity isn't the name
of a Japanese car.
CHARLES: Steady on, Nick.

Bygones and all that.
You've done raided us.

Don't forget that Pearl Harbor
wasn't exactly a sound
strategy in the medium term.

We were leaving anyway.

(sighs)

I'm afraid it's over,
Charles.

What do you mean, "over"?

The balance sheet
is a mess.

There's nothing right
on the left,

and nothing left
on the right.

I'm afraid
Nick's right, sir.

As chairman of the bank,
you have a responsibility
to our creditors

not to trade fraudulently.

(ringtone: siren wailing)

(clears throat)

Charles, tell me what
you are doing, right now!

Uh, well, since you ask,
sweet pea,

Graham is thinking up
some very clever codes names
for bidders.

And I'm working on venues
for our closing dinner.

Um-- Isn't that right,
Team Tuftons?

About the Americans?

Not content with destroying
the bank's share price.

You have allowed the Yanks
to make a rescue bid
for next to nothing.

-Really? But how?
-(TV: no audible dialogue)

They're about to buy Tuftons
for a song!

GRAHAM: She's right.
Charles?

-And they're certain to win
voting control.
-Are you listening to me?

Congratulations, Charles.
You've broken the bank.

200 proud years of history
gone in the blink of an eye.

Something must be done.

(beeps)

-(beeps)
-NICK: I canceled it--

pre-authorized
by Grinding in advance
of their takeover.

-You do remember
the Interglobal motto?
-Not at the moment.

If at first,
you don't succeed, Graham?

You're fired.

I thought everything was fine.
What about Nurgistan Gas?

Oh, please, who in their
right mind would try fracking

in one of the biggest
earthquake zones?

-It was a disaster
waiting to happen.
-But-- (groans)

I hope we didn't buy
any shares, Charles.

Fracking terrible investment.

Who, me?

Of course not!

I can hear you in the room.
Now pick up the phone.

Penelope, dearest, it's--
An earthquake zone, Charles!

What were you thinking?

My Tuftons shares
are worthless.

Charles-- (sighs)

Thank God at least
I've still got my pension fund.

Um, about that--

(stutters)
That's really all I have.
I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

(lawn mower engine roaring)

Penelope!

My clothes!

My shoes!

Penelope? Penelope!

Darling! You seem
a little out of sorts.

What makes you say that?

That's a Etruscan, 700 BC!

(grunts)

-I'm just as upset as you are.
-I seriously doubt that.

Wait!

No, carry on.
The golf club's worth more
than the porcelain dog.

Thanks for telling me.

(metal clanks)

Don't you ever stop to think
how remarkable it is, Charles?

That your brain starts working
the minute you get up
in the morning,

and then it carries on working,
never missing a beat...

until the second
that you get to the office.

And then, as if by magic,
it suddenly stops!

(sighs)

Run a bank?
You couldn't run a bath.

My poor father would be
spinning in his grave.

Penny!

Please!

We can-- We can
get through this!
How?

There is nothing left, Charles,
because you put it all
on Nurgistan Gas.

I wanted
to surprise you.

-Do I look surprised?
-A little bit.

-You have lost all my money.
-I thought I was hedged.

Well, you're certainly
hedged now.

I'm sorry!

It was Grinding
and Nick Freeman.
They tricked me.

It was you!

For once,
in your miserable existence,

stand up and be counted
and take some responsibility.

Everything that's ever
gone wrong with my life
was you.

Surely you don't mean that.

I never want
to see you again.

You can keep the house,
darling.

We are going
to lose the house.

You've got your shares
in Tuftons. You can sell those.
Over your dead body.

(engine starts)

Penelope!

Hasn't it ever occurred to you
why husbands die
before their wives?

Because we want to!

(dialing)

(line ringing)

Annabel,
it's your father.

Yes,
I'm walking on foot.

(whimpers)

Very good of you
to see me, Annabel.

People actually
live here?

I live here, Dad.

(knocking)

Hey, Twig.

You are aware most
of the food in your fridge
is out-of-date?

(man vocalizing)
We're Freegans, Dad.

Is that like a cult?

Supermarkets throw away
tons of perfectly good food
every day.

So we rescue it.

-Where from?
-Skips and bins.

-Is that hygienic?
-I have no idea.

Hmm.

My, these green meatballs
are really tasty.

They're the dog's
bollocks.

CHARLES: What else
goes on around here?

We run a small
community bank.

Oh! That's my girl.

Someone needs a short-term loan
to repair a leak, buy a sofa,

even to just tide themselves
over until payday,

we do it... interest-free.

Dad, people out there
are really hurting,

especially when you guys
in the city screw up.

I hardly think that's fair.
Oh, the big banks don't lend
money to the poor anymore.

So the dongas and the pawnshops
can charge 3,000% interest.

You're banksters.

Oh, steady on, Twig.

ANNABEL: The economic crisis
is mainly you bankers' fault.

You've got lost.

Every 70 years or so,
there's a financial crisis,

South Sea bubble,
or whatever.
Capitalism is crocked.

As soon
as the people in charge

are too young to remember
the last disaster,
it happens again.

Yes, it's called
the Kondratiev cycle.

I forgot that banking
could be so absorbing.

So is a kitchen towel.
(stifles laugh)

Why are you looking at me
like that?

It's just... been a while
since we've been able
to talk like this.

We're not talking, Dad.

You just do not get it,
do you?

But when you're done
with your bollocks,
you should go.

Good-bye, Dad.

Why don't you...
get yourself a job?

(chattering)

Just wondered if there
were any jobs going.

MAN: They're all going.
Address?

Good question.
Can I get back to you
on that one?

(clears throat) Mr. Bunbury,
without hesitation,

please describe yourself
in three words.

Hardworking, numerate
and upper-class.

Reasons for leaving
previous employment--
"Losing the company £2 billion"?

Yes. There was that.

And I also...

thought it might be time
for a new challenge.

Right.

Good luck.

You got a car?

My wife has the car.

Will she let you
drive it?

Probably not.

** (dance)

ALL: * Da-da-da
Da, da, da *

* Another one bites
the dust *

* And another one gone
And another one gone *

* Another one bites the dust

MAN:
* Hey, I'm gonna get you too

* Another one bites the dust

Think they'll get rid
of all of us?
Probably.

* How do you think
I'm gonna get along *

* Without you
when you're gone? *

* You took me for everything
that I had *

* And kicked me out on my own

* Are you happy?
Are you satisfied? *

* How long can you
stand the heat? *

* Out of the doorway
the bullets rip *

* To the sound of the beat

* Look out

RICHARD: Some people,
you put them in a big office,

they look like they're waiting
for Teacher to arrive.

You?

We're all very excited.

* Hey, I'm gonna get you too

* Another one bites the dust

There he is!
If he went into
the funeral business,

people would stop dying.

(groans)
Taxi for Bunbury!

-CROWD (chanting):
Taxi for Bunbury!
-Bye-bye, Tuftons.

Taxi for Bunbury!
Taxi for Bunbury!

MAN: * Walking on rooftops

* Talking of time

* With our eyes a-glowing

* Like the city lights

* She stands on a ledge

* She says

* "It looks so high on top"

* You know

* It's a long way down

* Feels like a long way down

* It feels like
a long way down *
Penny.

Annabel.

Good-bye.

* Like a long way down

Hey!
This is my pitch.

What's it going to do
to business if there's police
hazard tape up in the morning?

I could just, uh,
move along a bit.

Keep going.

I do hope you're not
going to be loud.

I will be very discreet.

Are you actually
going to do it?

I don't know now.

I've been
considering it too,
you know,

but I think I might
have a drink first.

What have you got?

What have you got?

Oh, of course.
Well, you know, I--

I'm afraid I'm a bit, uh--
Ooh!

There was a time...

when I had an office
in one of those buildings.

I invented the banana,
but someone stole me idea.

How long have you been
considering it?

Two years,

but don't try
and talk me out of it.

I wouldn't dream of it,
old chap.

After the banana,
I invented the Internet.

Then suddenly we all got
credit crunched.

The bank called in
my business loan.

I lost the company,
the house, the wife.

She left me for Bailiff.

My wife left all my worldly
goods out for the bailiff.

After that, there didn't seem
much point to anything.

I know.

I lost my daughter
in the process too.

I just wish I could talk
to my wife,
but she won't see me.

It's why I'm--

Ditto.

On the other hand,

I can recommend a period of
due diligence and contemplation

when it comes to making
this particular decision.

You could end up regretting it
for quite some time.

That doesn't mean you're
getting another drink.

I know.

Don't get them wet.

(machine whirring)

Taxi!

Taxi?

Taxi!

(Taxi barking)

Thanks, Caroline.
I know it's been a while.

I do appreciate
you taking me in.
No problem, Pen.

I know what it's like when
the phone stops ringing at
the smallest whiff of scandal.

It's not easy at our age.

(cell phone ringing)

Cheltenham Ladies College never
really trained us for this.

Yeah, what do you want?

What do you want me
to do about it?

Is this a bad time?
No, it's fine.
It's just work.

You pathetic specimen.
You'd be out of your depth
in a puddle.

Aren't you done yet?

Oh, God,
what's taking you so long?

Finally!

(laughs)

What's your job exactly?
I'm a phone prostitute.

(laughs)
You a joking?

It's not bad, as long as you
don't take it seriously.
You have to have a character.

See, I'm a bored
and angry divorcée, who's only
doing it for the cash.

Okay. Does that work?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's for men
whose wives do understand them,
but they're still not satisfied.

(cell phone ringing)
They love it!

Sometimes I'm on three phones
at once.

You know, I ignore them,
and then I shout at them.

Yes, you!

Well, you might know
99 different positions,

but the trouble is
you don't know any women,
do you, saddo?

Maybe I'll just take
my bags upstairs.

There is no upstairs.
You can sleep on the sofa.

(cell phone ringing)

What do you want,
freak show?
That's my phone!

Oh.
(nervous laugh)

Hello.

Hey! It's Richard... Grinding.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Penelope,
I just wanted to--

Never call me again.
Even if you're on fire!

I could get you a job
if you're interested.
No! No, thank you.

(door opens)

Graham.

* Zou bisou bisou

-* Zou bisou bisou
-Graham.

* Zou bisou bisou
Zou bisou, zou bisou *

Graham.

Graham!
Yes, sorry.

I have a question.
Ask me anything.

Well, you know they are doing
all the laying off
this afternoon.

And apparently Nick has a list
of people who are getting fired.

Do you know if I'm on it?

I'm just an accountant,
really.

Yeah, I know, but you've been
to Human Resources and sometimes
people just forget you're there.

And they say things
in front of you.

Yeah.

Uh, just-just in case, um,

we don't see
each other ever again,

I-I was just wondering,
maybe if-- I hope you don't
think I'm being too forward--

Oh!
It was just an idea.

It's Nick. He must've got off
at the wrong floor.

Okay. Here's the list.

Better have security
standing by.

Aren't security
on the list too?

Move them to last then.

What about me?

I mean, where do I go?

I worked for Charles, so--
Tracey, come on.

It's Sophie.
I know.

I'd never get rid of you.
You wouldn't?

Your eyes are the same color
as one of my Aston Martins.

They're fake contacts.
I know that.

But we have a relationship.

Why don't I take you out later
and we can talk about it?
Great.

Bloody hell, Seddon,
I forgot you were there.

It is my desk.
Not for much longer.

Joking! I know there's less
to you than meets the eye,
but you're a decent accountant.

I'm a quant, actually.
Don't put yourself down, Graham.

(blows nose)

(groans)
Look at his little face.

Well, that's
good news.

Wonderful.

(groans)

Share tips for a pound.

A pound for a share tip.

Thank you.

Thanks, Oscar.

OSCAR: Share tips for a pound.

One pound for a share tip.

Share tips for a pound.

I suppose owing you
a pound for a tip would be
out of the question.

With interest at three percent
above Libor.

This whole Interglobal-Tuftons
bank thing--

how can they be stopped from
grabbing the whole shebang?

Why would anybody want
to do that?

Well, they wouldn't, of course,
but out of interest.

Interglobal have 79.8%
of Tuftons.

The only thing stopping them
getting 90% and overall control

are Honshu and one
private blocking shareholder,

each with a 10.1% share.

Of course!

You wouldn't have a pound
I could borrow, would you?

I'll give you a tip.

Try Nurgistan Gas. It's going
to be a recovery play.

Nurgistan? Nurgistan Gas?
Give me me pound back!

No.

I'd rather be having
my teeth drilled--
and that's not a euphemism.

(cell phone ringing)

On your knees.

-Yes?
-Don't hang up!

First, I need to say
that I have been so dense,

light would bend round me.

I can agree that
you haven't exactly been

the brightest bulb
in the chandelier.

I know. I know nothing
about banking.

You are probably
the finest living example
of the Beta Principle.

-The what?
-That everyone rises

to the level
of their own incompetence.

You may not be
the stupidest man I know,

but when that man dies--

But I know enough now
to know what Grinding's up to.

Pathetic.

Oh, God! Penelope, oh, God!

(dial tone)

I need to talk to you.

This isn't talking.
It's curb-crawling.

Come on, Jenkins, live it up,
put it in second.

I will put this through
your window. I have form.

I want your advice.
My advice is duck.

On how to restore
the Tuftons name.
You stole it from my family.

Oh, come on.

Look, everybody knows
that you were the power
behind the Tuftons' throne.

Be honest.
Your husband was running
the place into the ground.

He was not. He sometimes
forgot to look out of the window
and check where it was going.

There, you see, we're having
a reasonable conversation.

We're exchanging opinions.

Penelope, please.

I am big enough to admit
that I need your help.

I want dinner, and I want
to spend all of your money.
I accept your terms.

Hence forward, please feel free
to regard my credit card limit
as a target.

Now, may I take your brick?

Yes. Preferably in your
nether regions, and at speed.

(indistinct)

Good evening,
work slaves.

Lemmings!

(both laughing)

Charles?
Bournville.

Oh!

How the devil are you?
How are you?

Heard about the bank.

Unlucky.

Mind you, most of the time,
I had no idea
what was going on either.

Well, it's been lovely
bumping into you.

Likewise.

I don't blame you
cutting loose one bit.

Who's this? Was he with
you and me at Tuftons?

No, no, this is Oscar.
He's a real business genius.

Must have lunch sometime.
I'll get my girl
to call you.

Oscar?

Oscar!

Oscar. Oscar!

OSCAR: Go away.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

I--

(phone ringing)

Hello. Agincourt.
How can I help you?

Uh, yeah,
we're at a table right
in the middle of the room.

Would it be
too much to ask
to order some wine?

Certainly, sir.
Thank you.

How do you like the wine?
I would have chosen
the Valandraud '99.

Oh. Why didn't
you order it?

I watched you order
the most expensive bottle
on the menu.

You reached
your credit card limit
without me even having to try.

That was our understanding.
I win.

(chuckles)
Congratulations.
Thank you.

Wouldn't you rather have
the wine you wanted?
I wouldn't have won.

So you won,
but you didn't get
what you wanted.

You are Penelope Tufton,
not Penelope Bunbury.

You're the greatest asset
that this bank has.

You have the name, the brains
and you're a beautiful woman.

Why aren't you
running this bank?

Because my father
didn't have a son.

Okay.

History.

You want Tuftons to be
the East India Company?

A great British name,
now washed away
by history.

Or Rolls-Royce?

They used to make
a beautiful engine

to take one guy
into the park for tea.

Now they make a beautiful
engine that carries thousands
of people across the globe.

Which one are you,
Penelope Bunbury?

Well, I'm really getting
a good grinding now, aren't I?

Maybe you need one.
Because right now,

you're standing
in the shadow of a man

who's having trouble
casting a shadow.

Who is still my husband.

(groans) Details.

Listen to me.
You need a divorce lawyer.
Right. Of course.

A woman would have
to be mentally ill
to marry you.

How long does it usually take
for them to come
to their senses?

Well, my wife died.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's been
a couple of years.

At the reception,
you talked about ex-wives.

No, just the one.

It's easier to be that guy
than the guy who lost everything
in a car accident.

I wasn't driving,
in case you wanted
to pin that one on me.

Tell me why you
bought my bank.

I wanna build
the bank up

according to Edward Tufton's
original founding
principles.

Then you should
have left it alone
in the first place.

I do so enjoy
our full and frank
exchange of views.

Yes, you turn up
with your views
and go away with mine.

Forgive me, but men
aren't very creditworthy
in my eyes just at the moment.

Good night.

(whimpers)
RICHARD: Listen.

If you--

What are you doing?
I thought I had pepper spray,

but I'm just going
to have to stab you
in the eye with a...

tampon.

Now, how do I get back
to Caroline's from here?

This guy's got
a broomstick.
(chuckles)

Why don't you
take the car.
I'm gonna walk.

Trust me, Penelope.

I may just
surprise you.

(thunderclap)

Oscar!
You took everything
from me.

And I confided in you
about e-fruit.

Here. I don't want them.

But why?

I banked at Tuftons.

No, Oscar,
that's not my fault.
Please, come down.

It never is.
You're all the same.

You're going
to hurt yourself.

Please.

Oscar, if you were
really going to jump,

you would have done it
two years ago.

Due diligence
and contemplation.

What was it Churchill said?

"If you're going through hell,
keep going."

Oscar, no! Oh, God!

(thumping)
OSCAR: Ow!
Oh!

That really hurt.

Good shot though, eh?

(chuckles)

Hang on. I'm coming.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

(sloshing)

I don't need your help.

You wouldn't help me then.

You can't even help
yourself now.

(sighs)

(horn honks)

Very good to see you, sir.

I, um--

I think there's something
you ought to know.

About Mrs. Bunbury.

-RICHARD: How is
Charlie-boy these days?
-Don't you talk about him.

You're half the man he is.

Unfortunately,
half of zero is also zero.

If that's the case,
you think I can borrow
Charles's brain?

Whatever for?
I'm thinking
of building an idiot.

(tires squealing)

So, Penelope,
I wanted to ask you

if you would
consider being a part
of Tuftons again.

You could chair
the charitable foundation,

advise us
on the distribution--
I get my tomato juice here.

Pull over.
If that traffic cop gives
you trouble, just run her over.

Be back in a second.

What are you doing
with him?

What the hell are you doing?
I had to warn you.

He's only after your shares.
You're the only thing stopping
him from having the whole bank.

I'm not taking you back,
Charles.

I don't remember
saying I'd want you.

Look, I know
I was a terrible husband
and a useless banker.

And your career
in this line of work
won't last long either.

(door opens)

So I hope you'll consider
my proposal, Penelope.

-What proposal?
-Bunbury, what are you
doing in my car?

He took our bank.

You could say Charlie
Chuckaway lost your bank.
Who asked for your opinion?

-I didn't do anything.
-Charles has always
done nothing.

But he does do nothing
very well.

This is pretty interesting.
Do you wanna hurt
Charles more or me?

-There's no reason
why I can't do both.
-Ow! Oh!

What was that?

I was just telling Richard
what a relief it is

to spend time with a man
who isn't an abject failure.

Would you at least
consider being my guest at
the Interglobal closing party?

(chuckles)
If I'm not washing
my... Jimmy Choos.

(groans) Okay, Bunbury,
you call pull over here.
I'm getting out.

Please drop Penelope
wherever she requires.

Return this call to Jenkins,
and I won't report this
to the police.

Richard. You forgot
your tomato juice.

(door closes)

Stop the car, Charles,
or I'll have you arrested
for kidnapping.

Fine.
(tires screech)

No one would pay
the ransom anyway.

Good.

I'll just take my chances
with the hoboes and...

(clattering)
static travelers.

He's homeless too.

You should meet.
You are insufferable.

My apologies, sir.

Oscar.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Go away.
I'm working.

Don't--
I'm so sorry.

Believe me,
I'm-I'm not that man anymore.

I'm the driver.

Oscar, there must be some way
I can make this up to you.

Even though
I ruined your life,

I could really do
with your help.

To help me help myself.

Not even for a pound?

(spits)

No.

Can I at least give you
a lift somewhere?

Could I take
me filing cabinet?

So, that was your wife.

And you really
want her back?
I tried to talk to her,

but she's hooked up
with her new big-shot American
banker boyfriend instead.

Well, you can see her point.
I mean, you don't even own
your own shoes.

Making big decisions.
It's all about
insider information.

Oh, damn.
I wasn't gonna tell you that.

Could I interest you
in dinner?

Oh, hey, Sophie.
Hey.

How was your dinner
with Nick?

I don't wanna talk
about it.

Uh, would you like to go
for a drink sometime?

Okay.

Really?
Sure.

** (women singing in French)

** (continues in French)

Ooh.

Where is this?

This is Annabel's.

It used to be
a nightclub
in my day.

(knocking)

Dad.

You can't just turn up here
with your banker buddies.

How dare you cast
such aspersions.
When's dinner?

He's homeless.

Really?
I'm helping him.

Since when?
Since--

Oh, it's--
it's complicated.

Uh, if you
don't want us here,
it's fine.

Come on. Let's go.
(mutters)

That's the floor plan
of Tuftons Bank.

How do you know?
I've got one.

How else would I know
where to put the dynamite?
Ha ha ha.

Finally, you're keeping
some decent company, Dad.

Could I interest you
in some insider information?

There's an event there
tomorrow.

Interglobal closing party.

He can stay for dinner.

Truffles?
Hmm.

I went skip diving
at Harrods.

(chuckles)

Do you have a girlfriend
at the moment, Graham?

I've analyzed
girlfriends.

Oh, yes.
I suppose you would.

I came to the conclusion
that girlfriends are
a lot like swimming pools.

Why is that?
They cost
an awful lot to run,

considering
how little time
you spend in them.

(both laughing)

Oh, wow.

You're well-endowed, Graham.

You're pulling
my leg.

I do believe
you have a ladder
in your tights, Sophie.

That isn't a ladder, Graham.
It's a stairway to heaven.

No, it's definitely
a ladder.

(grunts)

* Zou bisou bisou

(both groan)
Sorry.

No, it's all right.
* Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou, zou bisou
Oh.

Oh, wow.

You don't have
any of those little
blue pills, do you?

Yeah. Yeah.
Ah.

* Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou bisou

* Zou bisou bisou
Zou bisou, zou bisou *

** (continues in French)

The last girl I dated
got a headache
around this point too.

Oh!

* Zou bisou bisou

** (ends)

Mmm.

Dad.

Hmm?

What's going on?

After Penelope
threw me out

and you made
your feelings clear...

I thought
I'd lost everything.

So I went...

down to the river,

and, uh--

He stopped me basically.

Dad.

I shouldn't
have mentioned it.

Jesus.

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay now?

I don't know. Am I?

I lost the business
that your family spent
the last 200 years creating.

It wasn't your fault.

I was like a blind man
in a dark room

looking for a black cat
that wasn't there.

It's so silly
investing in something
we don't understand.

I sometimes think if I had
five percent less intelligence,
I'd need watering.

I was the chairman.

The buck stops with me.

Who else could I blame?
I thought it was
that American.

Who I saw her with today.

And you're not going
to do anything about it?

You know, Dad,
in many ways,

you've led
a very charmed life.

I made money
the old-fashioned way.

I married it.

But it has left me...

with an abiding feeling
that I have never
really deserved

any of the good things
in my life.

If you really want
something in life,

you have to learn
to fight for it.

So if you want
to get Mum back,

you've got to get
the bank back.

Who said anything
about wanting her back?

She is rude,

angry, controlling,

sometimes...
a little frightening.

But I suppose...

she's still my wife.

Perhaps I could do
with joining you
for that closing party.

Will there be champagne?

(chuckles)

(gasps)

(gasps)

Oh, I slept on the couch.

Oh.
So nothing happened.

I was a gentleman.

Naturally.
Why?

I'm still a virgin,
Barry.

Thanks.

CROWD (chanting):
Bankers out! Bankers out!

Bankers out! Bankers out!
Thanks for having me along.

My friends think
it's great that you want
to save the world,

even though you're old
and won't be around
to enjoy it.

(chanting continues)
Absolutely.

I feel very strongly
about whatever it is
we're here for.

You scrub up delightfully,
if I may say.

Well, let's get on
with this show. Twig.

What do we want?
A fair society!

When do we want it?
Now!

Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up.
Take it from there, Twig.

-TWIG:
You say corporation, we say--
-PROTESTERS: Cooperation!

You say corporation,
we say cooperation!

You say corporation,
we say cooperation!

Annabel Tufton
and her plus one.

Madam.

(no audible dialogue)

I'd like to propose
a merger, Penny.

And what do I get?
Financial security.
A place on the board.

Life chair of the Tuftons
charitable foundation.

My knickers are not
falling for that.

Come on, Penelope.
You can't pretend forever.

Thought you might
need rescuing.

Tell me you are not going
to cause a scene, Charles.

Who, me?
Admit you set me up.

What are you even doing here?
With that shark
Nick Freeman!

Stop it, Charles!

Come with me.

Nick, did you advise
Mr. Bunbury

that Nurgistan would solve
all of Tuftons' problems?

You win some, you lose some.
We all make deals based on tips.
It's how the city works.

But you used your contacts
to trick me and ruin Tuftons.

PENELOPE:
Is this true, Richard?
What were we talking about?

(gurgles) It's true.

Charles nearly
topped himself over it.

Oh. Sorry.

Charles.

(gasps)

So you couldn't even
do that properly.

Because he was too busy
saving my life actually.

Thank you, Oscar.

What's Annabel doing here?
A-Annabel?
How would I know?

Get them out of here
and call the police.

I'll let Annabel
know you're leaving.
Shehere.

A family get-together.
Isn't that lovely?

Gangway!

You're just
a bunch of bankers!

I knew it was
too good to be true.

Is that
an Armani dinner suit?
Very nice.

He gave it to me.

My bloody Armani.

It's him, Officer.

You may remain silent.

Good luck
with that one, Officer.

How dare you lock me up.

PENELOPE:
Do I honestly look
like a troublemaker?

And since when
has prison ever worked?

I don't know.
Nelson Mandela
never re-offended.

You know, she's only
ever hit me once before.
With a Range Rover.

Unfortunately,
I was in first gear
at the time.

MAN:
* A broken heart

Good-bye, Charles.

* And only me to blame

* For every single part

* No science or religion

* Could make this soul

* To be loved but never love

* To have but never hold
Good luck, sir.

* It's a life alone

* And a desperate need

* To be held

* To be loved so

* This is gonna take
a bit of getting used to *

* But I know
what's right for you *

* Fly high

* Let me go

* The sky

* Will save your soul

* But this is gonna take
a bit of getting used to *

* But I know what's right
for you *

Annabel.

Are you okay?
* Let me go

So, uh, where
do we usually go

when we get evicted?

Somewhere
the disgustingly rich
have left disgracefully empty.

(machine whirring)

Okay.

ANNABEL: My gosh.
Look at this place.

Vandals must have got in.

That was your mother.

(dog whines)

Taxi!
Taxi!
(barking)

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so glad
you're all right.

I will never leave
your side again.

OSCAR:
You're famous, Charles.

"Interglobal CEO
Richard Grinding said,

'In our quest
to become the biggest dog,

we won't be doing
a Bunbury anytime soon.'"
Ha ha.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Losing your shirt
on the market.

Sometimes, you know,
a major decision
must be made,

even when you're not
quite sure what it is.

Then you need
to understand shorting.

You do understand
the shorting of shares?

Does anybody?

Oh.

Right.

Now, you want
to short sell my shoes,
but they belong to me.

So I lend you my shoes,

and I'll let you sell them
for four bananas.

And you promise that you'll
give me the shoes back
in two weeks' time.

Don't I have
to buy back the shoes?

Yes. And if you gamble right,
they'll only be worth
one banana when you do.

So I still got my shoes

and you--
you're up three bananas.

But that's bananas.

No, it's a shoe-in.

But what about Annabel?
Isn't she down
three bananas?

You mean Nick Freeman
will be down three bananas.

But you've got to short
an opponent's stock

at exactly the right...

moment,

avoiding an attack.

And then
instantly responding.

Just like kendo, which,
according to Nakamura-san,
it's just like banking.

(speaking Japanese)

(with Japanese accent)
I am new sensei.
Saturday.

(yelling)

(groans)

Great privilege
to have you in my house,
Charles Bunbury.

I have
a proposal.

After wiff waff and golf,
we are even.

You have come for tiebreaker.
(grunts)

I have a vision

to make Honshu
the world's largest bank.

If you have
a vision, Charles-san,
you should see a doctor.

You're probably right.

Why should I listen to you?

Your track record
not good.

You broke bank.

Yes.

That is the elephant
in the room

we are currently
grappling with.

What elephant?

Ow!

My sword will not rest
until I wake with the dawn.

The wind blows
from the east.

And Honshu is ichiban...

(yells)

number one.

I am like a dark lord.

Do you have
special powers?

(coughs, groans)

I'll take that
as a yes then.

RICHARD:
And their share price
has gone down.

Yeah, it's done a Bunbury.

"'In the true spirit
of blah blah blah,

we intend to associate
with others with sincerity.'"

Dictum Meum Pactum,
my arse, Charles Bunbury.

- Dictum--
What does that mean?
-"My word is my bond."

I didn't get
where I am today
by trusting people.

Nick, you got it made
in banking
when you can fake integrity.

I do not like
the smell of that.

It can only mean
that the Japs want
to make a move on Tuftons.

So we need to put
the squeeze on Honshu

to force them
to surrender
their ten percent.

Exactly.

Uh, about
the other night--

Graham, sometimes you
just have to give a girl
what she wants.

I'll see you later.

You know the story
of how Tuftons made its name?

Something about
the Battle of Trafalgar.

All hell is breaking loose
on the high seas.

At the London Stock Exchange,
the traders are crapping
their pants

because they think
they're gonna wake up French.

Well, Tuftons has
a messenger at that battle,

and he comes running back,
and he says it's game over--
frog's legs for breakfast.

Do you know what losing
does to the price
of the English government bond?

Toilet paper.

Tuftons scoops them up
for pennies.

But wasn't the kicker
that the messenger lied?
England won.

Now they sell them
for a fortune.

Visionary.

So you want us to do
something like that?
I'm just saying,

they knew
how to do business
200 years ago.

The power
of inside information.

Nicholas.
We couldn't possibly do that.

I just wanna take Tuftons back
to its founding principles.

Don't even ask
what I paid
to get it back.

But then I realized,

in a way, it's at the heart
of what Tufton stands for.

(sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

PENELOPE:
It was my father's car.

He gave it to Charles.
I thought it was gone forever.

It's been with Tuftons
for over 50 years.

Almost as long as Jenkins.

Which is why you
have to stay too.

You're the last
of the Tufton line.

(sighs) Taxi.

Oh.

Charles's dog.
Oh.

I love dogs.

(sneezes)

You better not
be going soft on me.

Oh, no. Not at all.
It's a--

It's a sinus thing.

Hmm.

You were saying?

(sighs) Okay.

Based on doing things
in the true spirit of Tuftons
and its Foundation--

Of course.
Then my shares
might be on the table.

But only at a price
to reflect the resources
of the purchaser

because
I loathe him so much.

(engine starts)

(Richard sneezes)

Sophie?

MAN: I think you've dialed
the wrong number.
745-8610.

Sorry, mate.
I must've dialed
my bonus by mistake.

Are you okay?

I've picked up
his dry cleaning.

I've been sent
to survey strip clubs
and rate them out of ten

and then again
out of a hundred.

And now I've just stuck
a 20-page document together

after being asked to shred it.

He's not just being reckless
with the bank's money.
He's endangering our jobs.

Do you know how hard
I had to work to get here?
He's not going to make me quit.

I'm gonna make sure
you don't have to.

There you are, Graham.
In my office in five.

Get these back to Cheryl--
something or other
her name was-- would you?

Have you un-shredded
that document?

It has already gone
to recycling.

Sorry.

You're such
a decent man, Graham.

Why do I end up chasing
good-looking bastards

when I could be
with someone like you?

Hmm.

(whirring)

(grinding)

I was just saying to Nick,
we live in uncertain times.

Too right.
This credit crunch is seriously
jeopardizing my future.

So what we need
is a volatile banking stock

where we know results
will be dreadful.

And because Graham used to be
a particles physicist at CERN,

everyone will believe him
when he writes
a bullish research report

to spike
the price temporarily.

-We short the hell out of it
and clean up on announcement.
-RICHARD: Wow.

Nick, I'd hate
to stand between you
and a large bag of money.

Do you have
a stock in mind?

Bull's-eye!

Get in.

Graham, have you
seen your buddy
Charles-san recently?

What about the financial
conduct authority?

Toothless. New regulations
means new opportunities
to bend the law.

I don't think I should.
Do you wanna keep
your job or not?

Do you know
what your problem is, Graham?
You're too nice.

You could be a quality banker
if it wasn't for all
that niceness.

It's so aggravating.

Or I could always
fire Sophie instead.

No.
Come on, Graham.

Tell us what's happening
in the House of the Rising Sun.

Well...

they find themselves trapped
between Scylla and Charybdis.

-Between who and what?
-In Homer's Odyssey--

-He means
a rock and a hard place.
-Geez.

Talk about two countries
separated by a common language.

Their exposure
to subprime mortgages
is crippling--

-Cut to the chase.
-It wouldn't surprise me
if they went under.

Graham, you see?

That's why
you quants come back
from Switzerland.

(gasps)
It's the money.

Actually, it's because
it was really dull.

Let's go short
on Honshu stock.

You're free to go, Graham.

You organize
the bloodbath.

I'll take Penelope
to the Future
of Banking lunch

where she will sign this.

-Let's bet the bank.
-Pump 'em and dump 'em!

(laughs)

(beeping, buzzing)

(chimes)

Graham,
stop sexting yourself.

I need you to work out
how many Honshu shares
I need to short

so I can retire
before you lose your virginity.

I want a personal
proprietary position on this.

A really big one.

I may need to ask you

your collateralized
debt obligation.

MAN:
* The best things
in life are free *

* But you can keep 'em
for the birds and bees *

* Now give me money
* That's what I want

* That's what I want
* That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah
* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Your loving
gives me a thrill *

* But your loving
don't pay my bills *

* Now give me money
* That's what I want

* That's what I want
* That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah
* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Money don't get everything
it's true *

* But what it don't get
I can't use *

* Now give me money
* That's what I want

* That's what I want
* That's what I want

* That's what I want, yeah
* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* Whoa, give me money

* That's what I want

* A whole lot of money

* That's what I want

* That's what I want
* Oh, yeah

* That's what I want

(beeping)

(beeping continues)

Let's just keep calm and hold.

Now, Japanese banks
such as Honshu

would normally announce
their results

before the afternoon
trading session.

That's around 4:30 a.m.
London time.

To be frank,

this kind of delay usually
signals only one thing--
serious trouble.

Leading Tuftons analyst
Graham Seddon

had been surprisingly bullish
about his prospects.

Let's short sell
these babies. Come on!

Right.
You're gonna sign, uh--

Oh, boy.

Waiter, do you have
a pen for the lady?

OSCAR:
Oh, I'm so sorry,
madame. I don't.

Give me a minute.

When I went bust,

Tuftons forced me
to sign over the shares
in my business.

Apart from me wife
walking out on me,

it was the hardest loss
of my life.

Okay. Uh, here you go.

All right, you're gonna
sign right here, my dear.

MAN: Silence, please,
for our keynote speaker,

CEO, Interglobal-Europe,
Richard Grinding.

Thank you. Thanks.

Wish me luck.

(groans)

This waiter has
a real sense of humor.
If he is a waiter.

Ladies and gentlemen,
as you may have realized,

I am not the keynote speaker.

(sneezes)

I am clearly not
the future of banking.

MAN: This ought to be good.

But I do have something
I'd like to say,
mostly to my wife.

That makes the rest of you
collateral damage.

RICHARD:
Have we signed yet?

Oh, hi, Bel.

PENELOPE:
What are you doing here?

Supporting the family.

For the first time in 20 years,
I have made a major decision.

All by myself.

Because it was on my watch
that Tuftons got into this...

terrible muddle.

Where's that pen?

Tuftons should have stuck
to its knitting.

I had no idea
what I was doing.

Can you imagine
a brain surgeon
or an aircraft engineer

admitting to
something like that?

(sneezes)

What on earth is
the matter with you?

Did you find
that pen?

Like so many others,
I too believed that...

greed is good.

Okay, let's get
some breaking news from Japan,

where the results
from troubled Honshu
are about to be released.

Oh, this is possibly
even worse than feared.

These Honshu numbers
are truly horrible.

To the boys
with the big balls,

bring on the bonuses!

(all cheering)

CHARLES: I was seduced by egos
bigger than my own

to enter
the Capitalist Casino,

a pyramid Ponzi scheme
of collateralized
debt obligations,

leveraged buyouts,
mortgage-backed securities,
special investment vehicles.

You name 'em, we bought,
sold and repackaged them.

They were financial weapons
of mass destruction.

Ordinary people
were sold products

they neither
understood nor needed.

As Kierkegaard said,
"Life must be lived forwards,

but can only be
truly understood backwards."

And so today...

I do understand.

I don't wanna listen
to this anymore.

It was our crazy
compensation culture
that drove us over the cliff.

Our bonuses were based
upon short-term results,

not our performance
in the long haul.

(whines)
(sneezes)

Uh, Nick--
Yes.

Have you had a chance
to look at the Honshu report?

It's just
that the, uh, share price
is at 7.70 again.

Speculators, mate.
Don't worry about it.

According to
our computer model,

that can only happen
once in a million years.

Right.

I just think it might
be happening right now.

There's a twist
in the tale,

because according
to official sources,

the Japanese government
intends to take over
this venerable institution,

in effect nationalizing it,

to secure
its long-term future.

(cell phone buzzing, beeping)

We had no thought or feeling
for anyone but ourselves.

So I and my colleagues

kept every one of the bonuses,

leaving only the innocent,
RICHARD: Be quiet.

the honest and the ethical...

to pay.

How clever is that?

The keynote speaker
has arrived.

We have
to buy Honshu stock.

It's soaring.

Our contract binds us
to sell it at £8 per share,

and it's already worth 12.

Which means we've lost
close to a... billion.

And it's getting worse.

Don't panic.
Don't... panic.

The stock's
gonna plummet.

Remember, if you can stay calm
whilst all around you is chaos--

Then you've clearly
underestimated

the seriousness
of the situation.

Interglobal didn't happen
to have a proprietary position
in Honshu by any chance?

What?

Because it looks as if
it might have just...

broken your bank.

You're lying.

It now looks
as though Interglobal's

suspected aggressive shorting
of Honshu stock

could prove ruinous
for the US giant.

It seems almost certain

that Interglobal's share price
will be hammered.

It looks like
that offer of yours
for my wife's shares

might just be
completely worthless.

Ignore him, Penelope.

-I usually do.
-(groans)

Why is it going up?

What?
I thought you might
wanna take a look at this.

Ooh, look
at our share price.

It's done a--

Bunbury.

Nick.

For investors,
that spike in the share price
now looks like wishful thinking.

Bollocks.

Ichiban,
Nakamura-san!

We played the game.

To most of us,
it was just a game,

where our money
was the score.

We refused to see
the damage Wall Street
was inflicting on Main Street.

We were blinded by--

I was blinded by greed.

And as a consequence,
I wrecked many lives,
including my own.

And I broke the bank--

our bank--

that had been a force
for good for 200 years.

And for that...

I kneel here today...

and ask you, Penny,

for your forgiveness.

I'll think about it.

-Sorry?
-Possibly.

But I'm not saying
I'll definitely take you back.

Who said anything a--

Who said anything
about wanting you back?

(clears throat)

I've got
a tip for you.

Nurgistan Gas.

It's going to be
a recovery player.

Buy!

Bye.

Oh, my God!
It's going up!

I do believe it is.

To Tuftons

and the next 200!

ALL: The next 200!

-Annabel is here with him.
-You can say his name.

I can't. It's stupid.
If they have children,
they'll be Twiglets.

Mum, you remember Twig.

Top up, Mrs. B.?

Was that so hard?
You have no idea.

Wiff waff, Charles-san?

Oh, I would love to,
Nakamura-san,

but I promised Penelope
that I would learn bridge.

Thank God for that.
The last time we played

the only time I ever knew
what was in your hand
was when you were in the loo.

Annabel, have I ever told you
that throughout our marriage

your mother
has always been there
when she needed me?

PENELOPE: You know what
they also say, Annabel:

behind every successful man
is an astonished woman.

CHARLES:
Yes, even the blind hog
finds a truffle sometimes.

Will you just be quiet.
PENELOPE: No.

MAN:
* Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And oh the best it could be

* Just you and I

** (chorus vocalizing)

* And our hands they might age

* And our bodies will change

* But we'll still be the same

* As we are

* We'll still sing our song

* When our hair
ain't so blond *

* And our children have sung

* We were right

* They'll sing
grow old with me *

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

* And the hairs they stand up

* And my feet start to thump

* Yet the feeling
is dreaming around *

* You'll be the one

* Make me feel
like I'm real and alive *

* Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

* Grow old with me

* Let us share what we see

* And all the best it could be

* Just you and I

** (ends)