Original subtitles

You've got to do something.

Why have I got to do something?

Because I don't really like snakes!

I don't like 'em either.

Why don't we just turn around and...

go back the way we came up?

'Cause everyone's watching.

Please. Mr. Dundee.

Oh...

Yeah, come on. Mr. Dundee.

Go, Dundee!

I'm not really Crocodile Dundee, you know.

Just a character I play in a movie.

He's being modest. That movie was practically a documentary.

Shut up, Barney!

Stand back, everyone. Boys.

Oh. Shit.

Be careful.

Here's a stick!

He'll have that thing on the barbecue tonight.

It's dead.

Um, yeah, not that one.

Huh?

Could you get the other one?

The other one? Oh, is there...

Ooh, Jesus!

Shit.

Everything okay?

Oops.

As hilarious reports continue to surface of Paul

'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan's

ill-fated rendezvous with a snake...

we ask where the Man from Down Under has been hiding.

The one-time rigger on the Sydney Harbor Bridge

first got his big break

on Australian talent show New Faces.

He instantly became a household favorite,

and quickly, this everyman went on to star

in his own sketch comedy series, The Paul Hogan Show.

Dominating the Australian ratings over a 14-year period

made 'Hoges' a household name

and introduced such iconic characters as Arthur Dunger,

Luigi the Unbelievable

and stuntman extraordinaire Leo Wanker.

The world beckoned, and as Hoges fronted

Australia's most successful tourism campaign,

we booked our flights and flocked Down Under in droves.

It was then Hogan unleashed...

the most successful independent film

in the history of cinema...

Crocodile Dundee.

...Crocodile Dundee, of course.

...Crocodile Dundee.

That's not a knife.

That's a knife.

The low-budget Aussie comedy

went on to gross over $300 million worldwide

and saw Paul Hogan co-host the 1987 Academy Awards

and made him one of the most recognizable faces

on the planet and a national treasure.

Growing up in Australia, there was one name

that was... beyond an idol in a way,

and I'm just gonna say one word - Hoges.

Hoges was your everyman.

Hoges was the Aussie you wanted to be.

In 1989 came Dundee II

and saw Hogan move to live in the US.

More films were to follow,

but all failed to capture the same success

as Crocodile Dundee.

And almost overnight,

Hogan disappeared from American screens.

And apart from a brief cameo

in a new Australian tourism campaign...

...has rarely been seen again.

If you want to know

what the notoriously private star

has been up to these past 20 years,

your guess... is as good as mine.

What the hell was that?!

What?

You threw a snake at a fifth-grade teacher

and hit her in the face!

Oh. Oh, she thought I was the real Crocodile Dundee.

So you threw a snake at her?

Oh, no. That was an accident. The bloody thing leapt at me.

Right. And yet she thought you were the real Crocodile Dundee?

Yeah. He probably would have eaten it.

Paul, I hardly have any clients left as it is.

Could you just please try not to kill yourself?

Okay.

Thank you.

Uh, where are we going?

Oh. I have news.

Oh.

Yeah!

See this letter?

What?

Well, God knows why, but apparently

the Queen of England wants to bestow you with a knighthood.

What for?

For services to comedy.

Services! God! I don't want a knighthood.

Well, you're getting one.

So this is serious?

Oh. Look at that.

There's that Dundee impersonator.

Oh, he's still here.

I hate it. You know, people keep telling me he's strung out.

Photo with Mick Dundee? Hey? Crocodile man?

They're all strung out.

Yeah, but he doesn't even look like Dundee!

And apparently he's rude to the kids

and then charges them something like $5

just to take his picture.

Well, this is Hollywood Boulevard.

They're all crooks.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, and, yes, this is very serious.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. They want me to appear in person.

Six weeks from now in London.

I know! How great is that?

I'm not going.

Wait. But... What? You are.

Wh-why would I go to...

I mean, I've been trying to retire for the last 20 years.

I know.

You know me. I'm lazy.

I like to stay at home and watch Ellen on TV

and do crossword puzzles.

But despite all that, it seems

the Queen is actually quite the fan.

Oh.

I know.

I'm not surprised.

I mean, come on, you put Australia on the map.

You had the most successful independent film

in history, Paul.

I mean, you've got to think about your legacy.

My legacy?

Having a legacy is a beautiful thing.

As your manager, I am telling you, you've got to do this.

Oh, and in the meantime,

can you just try and behave yourself?

Because, you know, the palace hates any kind of...

controversy or trouble.

Hey, I never cause any controversy or trouble.

You know... sometimes it... just comes after me.

What are we doing here?

Okay. Don't be mad.

But the studio really, really wanted a meeting.

Angie, I've been telling you for 20 years,

I don't want to do another Dundee.

I know, but they've got some really amazing casting news.

Seriously, I have never heard the studio

this excited and bursting with ideas.

So I told them we'd take a meeting.

Oh, come on. Just do it for me? Please?

Can we meet with them?

And then you can go home, take a nap and watch Ellen.

All right. Come on.

Okay. You know what? I can't go.

I've got to meet Mom. But you go ahead.

You'll be great, trust me.

I'll call you later!

Love you!

Oh, look! Everyone, there's Paul Hogan!

Hey.

Hey, Paul.

Kim Courtney. Pleasure.

Paul, it's an honor.

Thanks for coming in, Paul.

We heard you were very excited to meet.

Uh... yeah.

Let me just start by saying that we are huge fans

of the Crocodile Dundee movies.

And we want to bring him back.

We know you've been a little resistant in the past,

but please, just hear us out.

We'd really love to see Dundee...

come to Los Angeles.

Dundee in LA?

Exactly.

Like we did in Dundee III?

There was a Dundee III?

Are you sure?

Mmm, reasonably.

Here we go.

Drinks! Ha ha!

One sunrise kiss with added kale.

Thank you.

Roland, blended oats and chai supreme.

Ah. Thank you, Anton.

Ah, Josh.

Yes, siree.

Lemon and rocket essence.

Perfecto.

Now, Paul...

Uh, no, I'm...

I made you my favorite,

which is a cleansing blend

of mint, goat's milk,

activated walnuts and baby spinach with agave syrup.

Ooh!

Agave syrup!

Yeah. Thanks.

Take a sip.

Yeah, yeah. Drink.

Sip.

Come on.

Hmm? Hmm?

It's good, huh?

Yeah. There it is.

Anton!

Okay. Let's forget the location.

We want to introduce your son.

A Dundee Jr.

You know, someone who shares all of your qualities and attributes

but who can bring the franchise forward

for a younger, new generation.

Yeah, well, we've already been down that road,

and it, um... didn't sort of work.

Yes. But this time, we have just the actor.

He's A-list, he is charming, funny as hell...

A little bit cute.

He is perfect.

And a massive, massive fan.

So, without any further ado, to play your son...

Will Smith!

Will...

Smith!

Look at him! Oh, he can't believe it!

Believe it, Paul! He wants to play your son!

Yeah!

Yeah, but...

Okay. We know what you're thinking.

He's too old.

No, that's not what I'm thinking.

But he's just turned 50 and he looks great.

Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, but...

What? He's American?

He's fantastic with accents.

We'll get him a voice coach.

But that's... not the problem.

It's just that he's...

Hey, Barry!

Ah! We got Paul Hogan here!

We're just discussing the Dundee casting.

My man! Crocodile Dundee!

Hey, Barry.

Sorry, Paul. You were saying?

Well, it just doesn't make sense.

It's just that he's...

Hey, Kyle!

Yes?

Bring that thing in here.

For sure.

So we can show our excitement.

Ah!

Oh, great! Perfect!

Perfect timing.

It's a crocodile.

Sorry, Paul, you were saying?

Oh, yeah, well...

You don't seem too sure about Will... What is it?

You can tell us.

Mmm.

Be honest. Is... is it height?

No...

His build?

No...

What, his hair color?

Closer.

His acting?

No, I... I love Will Smith.

I think he's fabulous.

He's great. But, um...

What?

What is it, Paul?

He's black.

You did what?

I didn't do anything!

Paul, not more than 20 minutes ago,

I told you to behave yourself,

and now you suddenly decide to become a racist?

Racist? Oh, rubbish!

They said you said you didn't like Will Smith

because he was black.

No! I just said it makes no sense

that me and the equally white Sue Charlton

have an African-American son.

God, Paul! You can't say that!

Oh, I'm fairly sure I already did.

Now I know why my dad always wanted to quit managing you.

He never wanted to quit.

Paul?

Um, what do you say

we just keep this Will Smith stuff to ourselves, huh?

And you just try and behave.

I'll try.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh... God!

Paddy?

You want your dinner, don't you?

Here it comes.

? Like you want to go ?

? Baby, it's the time ?

? I can make you mine... ?

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey, mate.

How's your day been?

Yeah, it's good, it's good.

Not too bad. How about you?

Mmm... not bad.

Listen, do you want any dinner?

Oh, I'm all right. I had a bite earlier, actually, so...

Oh, well... Oop.

Hi.

Hello. Hi.

Hi.

Good to see you.

These are... they're my friends.

Yeah.

Um, there's some ice-cream left down there.

You want me to leave you a bit?

You know what? I'm good, actually, Dad.

But I might grab some in a bit, eh?

Okay.

Why don't you come in for a sec?

Well, I'd love to, but, um...

you know, it's a bit late for me.

Sure.

Yeah. I'll leave you.

I love you, Dad. Good to see you.

Love you.

See you.

As excitement builds

for Alf: The Musical,

which opens on Broadway next week.

Meanwhile, at the domestic box office,

Father-in-Law spent its second week at number one,

making Pauly Shore's return to the top now complete.

Welcome back, Pauly.

Yeah, indeed.

All right, finally, the excitement

of Paul Hogan returning to the public eye was short-lived,

with some now asking whether the Australian actor

threw the snake as a publicity stunt

in a vain attempt to reinvigorate his acting career.

His acting career? I think you're being too kind.

Hi, Grandpa!

Oh, Lucy! How are you, love?

What time is it over there?

Not sure, but early. I've got rehearsals before school today.

Oh? What's that for?

I'm doing the school play. The Wizard of Oz.

Well, today is my first day. You should come and watch!

Oh, I'd love to, kid, but, um... it's too far away.

Mum said you've been getting in trouble.

Who, me?

You!

Nah. She's probably getting

confused with someone else.

Oh. I wish you'd come back home, Grandpa.

Oh, believe me, kiddo, I'd be back there in a heartbeat

if I thought my poor old dog Paddy could handle the flight.

Especially now that Chase is doing so well over here.

Yeah. I've heard about Uncle Chase.

Yeah! Never ceases to amaze me, that kid.

I think he's running a nightclub out of his bedroom.

So, how's the new school going?

It's okay.

Made any new friends?

Grandpa?

Yeah?

I love you.

Oh, I love you too, sweetie.

I'd better get going. Bye!

Valet?

Oh, yeah.

Kimmel had a good one on you.

Oh, yeah, and Colbert. He did a good five minutes on you.

Great.

For somebody who just wants

a quiet life and to be left alone,

you're not doing a very good job of it.

Nah, I'm not, am I?

Hey, talk is you're now taking to hate crimes.

What next, the Klan?

The studio! They wanted Will Smith to play Dundee Jr!

Will Smith?

Yeah!

That's ridiculous!

I know!

I'll play Dundee.

What, you thought I'd retired?

I did Die Hard, for Chrissakes!

I know.

People love me!

I know.

Yo! Where's Urkel?!

I did that too.

Yeah, I know!

Come on.

Paul! Hi!

Oh, Livvy! Hi!

All right, see you.

Good to see you!

Oh, lovely!

Oh, you know Reggie.

Of course I do.

How are you? Nice to see you.

I was just thinking about you the other day.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I was thinking we haven't

seen each other for a long time

and it's time we caught up.

Yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah. I've got a girlfriend coming

to visit from home, Ella, in a couple of weeks.

I thought that'd be a great time.

Yeah.

You know, I was just saying that he needs a woman.

Perfect!

So, um, what are you two guys doing next Tuesday night?

Tuesday? Um...

Yeah, I'm doing this charity thingy at my neighbor's school

and it's gonna be a lot of fun. You should come.

Oh. Yeah.

John said he might come along,

sing a couple of songs with me from Grease.

And there's gonna be, like, face painting and art stalls

and a barbie. You'll fit right in.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Oh! Tuesday.

Yeah, well, see, Tuesday, I've got, um...

Pity... oh, pity it wasn't Wednesday.

You know, 'cause if it had been Wednesday,

I'd have been there with bells on.

Yeah.

Hold on!

I think it is Wednesday!

Oh.

It is Wednesday. That's great. You can come.

Perfect.

But look. Here's a flyer.

It's all about helping kids who can't help themselves.

Oh. I think it'll be great you can go.

After all of the bad press,

being seen at some charity event is exactly what you need.

Thanks.

And, uh, maybe afterwards, we can take a selfie

and remind the world how much we love you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Everything all right, sir?

Oh, yeah. Just looking for the valet.

We don't have a valet.

This is a supermarket.

Hey, no. No filming unless you've got money. Come on.

What have you got? You got $5? Or any coins or anything?

Oh, yeah, I grew this after the movie. I'm the real guy.

You want a photo?

Who are you meant to be?

Huh? Better than Batman, hey?

Why don't you try picking on someone your own size?

Oh, go away, grandad! Oh, come on!

What?

Well, at least stop being rude to the kids, Okay?

Oh, wow! I thought you were dead!

Well, I'm not, shit-for-brains.

Oh! Okay.

"Look out! He's got a knife!"

Oh, yes. You have a knife, but mine's bigger.

So, you want a photo? Come on!

That's not the line!

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not!

It's not the line!

I've been doing this for 20 years. I think I'd know.

What?!

Go away. You're bad for my business.

I am your business!

Yeah, right!

Hi. Uh...

I would love to take the photo?

Oh. Okay.

Yes?

Oh, just...

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Come here. Okay.

Come on!

There you go.

Oh!

Thank you.

I'll show her my knife later. Hey?

You are such a sack of shit.

Come on, boys! Hey?

Ha!

That's it!

Oh, Wally! That's my boys! Yes!

Yeah! How's that for the real thing? That's it!

Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan

tried to strangle a child today when what was seemingly

a child's innocent request for a photo

enraged the obviously troubled star.

Oh! You little mongrel!

I'll rip your little head off!

Several onlookers,

including Dorothy Springborg from Delaware,

were almost caught up in the brawl.

It was disgusting.

These were innocent children, for heck's sake!

Um... oh, well, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

I... don't even feel like I know you anymore.

I can't even look at you!

I know. If you're worried about it,

book me on one of them tonight shows.

Book you on one of those tonight shows?

I mean, apart from being a punchline

in their monologues lately,

they're not gonna have you on their show!

God!

All right, well, what about Ellen?

No! And you've killed any chance of the knighthood.

I mean, Paul, what were you thinking?!

I don't care about a knighthood.

But I do, Paul. I do.

I thought we were meeting the Queen. And you agreed.

No, no. I never agreed to any knighthood.

But I told them that you did!

Well, tell 'em I didn't.

Seriously? You want me to cancel the knighthood?

Absolutely.

Want me to call the palace?

Yeah, call it right now.

And tell them no?

Yep.

Uh-huh. Oh, hang on.

I don't know why I bother.

I wish you wouldn't.

Oi. You out of bread.

I wonder why.

Oh, hi, sweetie.

Grandpa, are you getting a knighthood?

Uh...

'Cause Mum said you were,

and I told some kids at my new school you were,

and they laughed and said I'm a liar.

I'm not a liar, am I, Grandpa?

No. You're not a liar.

You are getting a knighthood?

Uh... y... uh, yeah, services to comedy.

Yes! I knew it! Bye, Pa!

Bye, love.

Oh, what a web we weave!

Ha. Just called the palace.

They're really not happy.

Oh. Uh, see, here's the thing...

No.

You'll have to call 'em back.

No!

Well, Lucy thinks I'm getting it.

I'm gonna look like an idiot!

Well, she told the kids at school.

They'll get over it.

No, they won't.

It's a new school.

She's trying to make friends.

It's not happening.

What about my, uh, legacy?

You know, uh... put Australia on the map, had a TV show...

Oh, and you always good with the ladies!

Good with the la... ladies.

Okay, fine! I will call them.

But I am telling them you're an idiot.

Great. Great. Love ya!

Wow.

Is two o'clock. Is time for your siesta.

Come on, Paddy. Help me cut the grass.

Ah.

Oh.

Wayne?

I need somewhere to stay.

Carol is driving me crazy!

She keeps saying I'm too loud!

Too loud?

Yeah!

And... and... and the kids are crying.

Crying? Uh...

I just need someplace quiet. For a couple of days.

Uh... it's not really a good time...

Well, you won't even know I'm here!

I start rehearsals on Broadway soon!

I-I need to practice.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

If Carol asks...

you haven't seen me. Yeah?

Ahh.

? Hello, my baby, hello, my honey

? Hello, my ragtime gal

? Send me a kiss by wire

? Baby, my heart's on fire

? If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me

? Then you'll be left alone

? Oh, baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own! ?

? Hello, my baby

? Hello, my ragtime

? Send me a kiss

? Baby, my heart's on fire... ?

Wait. So he sings?

Yeah. And he also tap-dances.

Oh.

Evidently.

Cop it.

? Send me a kiss by wire Baby, my heart's... ?

Paul, you have three showers. Why is he using your ensuite?

Oh, he said the acoustics are better in my bathroom.

Oh, what time is the Olivia thing?

Oh. That's now.

You know, I am so glad you're doing this.

And I really think people are starting to forget

that you threw a snake at those bystanders.

And that you tried to beat up those kids.

And the Will Smith thing.

But I honestly think it's almost all behind us.

So it's the perfect time to be seen with the lovely Livvy

doing something for the kids.

Oh, yeah, that'll be fun.

Oh, do you want me to organize a lift for you or something?

Oh, no, I've booked a car. Thanks.

Okay.

Oh, and Paul, I'm really sorry

I've been so crazy about this whole knighthood thing.

I am just so proud of you and the fact that I...

Oh, there's my car now.

get to be there with you...

I'd better go.

Hey, uh, give my love to your mum.

Rude!

Paul!

John?

Mint?

Oh, uh, no, thanks.

Is the air all right?

Oh, yeah, excellent, John.

Good. Oh. Bottle of water?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Yeah, I love it.

You know, I don't get stuck behind a desk, I'm my own boss,

I get to meet interesting people,

and, uh... let's face it, these days,

romantic leads for 79-year-old actors are few and far between.

Mm-hm.

Tch! Hollywood!

You'd know all about that, eh?

Yes, I...

You steaming turd!

Um...

Hmm?

I don't mean to be nosy, but, uh...

you know, you're happy driving and everything.

Uh... what happened after all your success? I...

Oh, the money. Uh, well, you know, alimony.

Oh.

Parties.

Drugs. Gambling.

Hookers.

Prostitutes. Ladies of the night.

No, no, I'm being silly. I never gamble.

All right, here we are.

Huh. It looks bigger than I thought.

? When you're facing All kinds of trouble ?

Just hang on a sec.

"A charity concert for disadvantaged children."

Ah. "Helping kids who can't help themselves."

Thanks, Johnno.

Okay.

Mr. Hogan.

Why are you here?

Oh, Olivia asked me to come.

But... why here?

Oh, to help. To help these unfortunate little people.

And they need all the help they can get. You know?

I mean, they've had a raw deal out of life,

and... it's up to us to try and help 'em.

Mm-hm.

? Give it up ?

? La, la, la, la, la, la ?

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't pity them.

They're having a little, uh... concert in here tonight,

and some of 'em are gonna get up and try and sing.

Try and sing?

Okay...

Oh, my pl... my pleasure.

Uh, Mr. Hogan, do you mind

clarifying some of your comments tonight?

Oh, it's pretty simple.

I'm here to help those less fortunate than I am

and, um... help them in any way I can.

"Help"?

Yeah.

You're trying to help?

Yeah.

Paul?

Thank you, Mr. Hogan.

Did he just say what...

No. I'm not...

You're here!

Anything for you, Livvy. And the kids.

Of course.

Sister Mary, I'd like you to meet Paul.

Sister Mary is our wonderful fundraiser.

It's a great pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dundee.

Oh. Pleasure to meet you too Mary.

It's John. I need a favor.

? I got chills, they're multiplyin'

? And I'm losing control

Lose control, baby!

? 'Cause the power you're supplyin'

? It's electrifyin'

Where's Johnny?

? You'd better shape up

? 'Cause I need a man

What the hell is this?!

? And my heart is set on you

Get off the damn stage!

? Shape up

Boo! You're not Johnny T!

? You'd better understand

You're ruining the show, man! Where's Johnny T?!

I hate you!

Get off the damn stage, popsicle!

? Nothing left for me to do

? You're the one that I want

Boo! God, get off the stage!

You're not the one that we want!

Where's Johnny T?!

Where's Johnny?!

Please calm down.

I'm sorry, Sister. You got Jesus, we got Johnny!

We did not ask for this tragedy!

You have no idea how much he loves Johnny!

Sister, you have Jesus, we have Johnny!

This is not...

Hey, don't cry, honey.

I'm gonna get up there

and kick the grease outta you!

Do something!

I'm doing it!

He's killed a nun!

He's killed a nun!

Oh, you're going to hell now, buddy.

Burn! Burn in hell!

It's okay, babe.

She's alive!

She's alive!

Ow!

Ooh!

No, no, no! I'm Luke!

I'm a wedding photographer!

I'm from Indiana!

And?

Um...

That's, uh...

That's all I got.

What was so interesting up my tree?

Okay, look.

I, uh... I was a wedding photographer.

Till I messed things up. I went to the wrong wedding.

Oh, the other photographer got so mad at me,

and then no-one would hire me.

But then my mom, she got me a job at a magazine.

So, I go out, they ask me to go get a photo of Eric Bana,

'cause he was visiting our town,

but I got confused.

I went and got a picture of Eric Banana.

The fruit king. Do you know him?

He knows so much about fruit!

After that, my boss, he just suggested

that I should just move far away, you know, maybe to LA,

and become a... freelance paparazzo.

Oh, great. That's what we need.

Another idiot taking photos of me.

Actually, no, I'm trying to get a photo of Kim Kardashian.

But, yeah, I can't find where her house is.

She is so sneaky.

Anyway, I took the star tour and we went past here.

Oh, so I'm still on the star map, am I?

No. No, you're not. But you know who is?

Bob Saget from Full House!

He's, like, your neighbor!

We all got out. We were taking pictures of his place.

It was so awesome.

Yeah, and then I looked over and I saw you.

You were, like, getting your trash cans or something.

And I was like, "Hey! That's Paul Hogan!"

And then the driver was like, "No.

"No, that's not Paul Hogan. He's dead."

He said that?

Yeah.

I'm glad you're not dead, Paul.

Look, uh... listen, I don't want to do this. I'm...

It's just... you're the only celebrity friend I have.

Do you know, maybe? Do you know where Kim Kardashian lives?

Look, if you're looking for celebrities,

go down to Melrose Avenue.

That's where they all hang out.

Okay. Okay.

Or you know what? I could stay here.

No.

Aw!

No? It's fine. Okay.

Do you... What's the best way to get to this Melrose?

Drive there.

Drive there? Got it.

I don't have a car.

Bloody hell.

You know what? That's fine.

That's fine. I can hitch.

It works.

All right. So, I will do that. I'll just get my... my stuff.

Ohh!

It's... Whoo!

Don't worry about me. It's not as heavy as it looks.

It's all good.

Uh...

That way.

Of course it is.

Wish I would have known that earlier.

This is not a backpack. Ohh!

All right, well, hey, it was great meeting you, Paul.

Okay.

Did you say something?

I thought you said "aww." I heard some "aww."

No. No. No.

I really wish we could hang out longer.

But I gotta get going.

? I'm your all! ?

Though, the police vow they will continue

to search for the Phantom Valet,

claiming he has now stolen upwards of 85 motor vehicles.

In other news, it was all the talk of the BT Awards tonight

when ex-movie star Paul Hogan

got himself in a lot of trouble.

Mr. Hogan, why are you here?

To help these unfortunate little people.

And they need all the help they can g...

I'm an ambassador for Australia, Okay, for tourism,

but... to be honest... you know, I...

...I've started telling people I'm from New Zealand.

Yeah, I... I even married one. You know? So...

Look, I don't know what Hogan's problem is.

Uh, maybe he thinks it's funny, I don't know.

But, you know, as with Lightning Jack,

no-one else is laughing.

I was with some friends the other night.

Mike Tyson, Mickey Rourke, Charlie Sheen.

We all agreed

that no-one's fallen from grace as hard as Paul Hogan.

It's embarrassing. Is it the drugs?

Oh, bummer.

Oh, well. You're happy here, aren't you?

Australia. There's no place like it.

I'll see you next week, Barry.

Not a lot of crocs out here, huh?

Just 37,000 miles of pristine, beautiful beach, mate.

Like I don't know that!

Alrighty, guys. Good morning.

You ready to feel the burn in your legs and in your soul?

Let's go! G'day, man. How are you, mate?

Ready, guys? Limber up and get ready.

Kick! One. Two.

Three. Feel the burn. Feel the pain.

It's gonna hurt. Not gonna lie.

Bring in the energy.

Bit of this. Bit of that.

He teaches aerobics now?

Come on!

Squat! Squat!

Hey, Dad.

You want some breakfast?

Nah. Nah, I'm right. I got this.

Why don't you put your gear on and come out?

Uh, yeah.

All right.

Hold. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.

What do you reckon, guys?

Very nice. Very, very nice.

The woman is 81 years old and a nun.

I just need to know, why?

Ha!

She was annoying me.

She was annoying you?!

No!

Look, it was an accident.

Okay. So, just so I get this right

when I call the palace,

you, um, threw a deadly snake at a fifth-grade teacher,

insulted an African-American superstar,

attempted to beat up two children,

offended the entire black community

and knocked out a nun?

What am I forgetting here?

Why are you calling the palace?

I'm calling the palace to cancel the knighthood!

Before they find out about you and do it for us.

Paul, I am trying to get out of this

with a teeny-tiny amount of dignity.

Okay, what time is it in London right now?

Uh, no. Don't call the palace. Don't cancel the knighthood.

I promised Lucy.

Okay, fine. Fine.

I'm just... I'm amazed that the media

hasn't picked up on this story yet.

And thank God she's okay. This woman, this, um, Sister...

Mary Murphy.

Mary Murphy.

And do you know why

the media hasn't picked up on the story yet?

Because I have been up since 2am calling every contact I know.

I...

Are you even listening to me?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

What are you... Hey!

I have been up all night calling in favors,

a lot of which I am really not proud of,

all so they wouldn't run this story!

Oh, yeah. Look, I appreciate that too.

But I was thinking, um,

why don't you try and get me on some of the tonight shows?

What? No! No.

Forget the tonight shows. They're not interested.

And, Paul, why do you want to draw more attention to yourself?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I will hold off on calling the palace

if you agree to have lunch

with someone who is willing to get you off the front pages.

Who?

A decent, respectable, dignified man.

Oh. Some actor.

No, an acrobat. Yes, an actor!

Look, I don't want to have lunch with some actor.

I don't have lunch with anybody.

Well, if you don't want me to cancel the knighthood,

you're going.

I mean, he's willing to sit down with you

and spend time to explain what it's like to be respectful

and... and someone... who...

You're on TV right now, aren't you?

How bad is it?

Uh...

Yeah, Okay, so, where am I gonna have lunch with this guy?

Oh, God.

Paul!

Oh. Chevy.

Ah. Oh.

This is, uh, pretty nice.

Oh, yeah. Nice atmosphere, great food.

Can I take...

Oh, my goodness!

Oh!

Lovely to meet you.

Oh!

I just have to say,

watching you perform on Saturday Night Live

made me want to become a comedian.

Oh. How's that working out for you?

Well, I'm working here as a waitress, so... not so great.

Well, it takes intense training.

But still, um... can I please buy you a drink on the house?

Oh, that'd be lovely.

How about a glass, um... Brown Brothers SMC?

Oh, I love it. I love it. Paul, would you...

Yeah, I'll... I'll have the same, thanks.

You are aware that is $40 a glass?

Sure.

You... do know who this is?

Yep.

Wow. You've really been through the wars, haven't you?

Nah, it's fine. It's just, my manager...

People ask me constantly,

how is it that I'm so loved and adored?

And, you know, it's actually quite easy.

How?

Just win an Oscar.

Ah.

Wh... what did you win an Oscar for?

Caddyshack. First one.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

You win one of those suckers,

you can do just about anything.

Really?

Huh.

Are you okay, Mr. Chase?

Yes. You need to have these fixed.

It just slid right off the table.

Certainly.

I'll talk to the owner about... gluing them on.

Um, listen. I was nominated for an Academy Award once.

Really? What for?

Couldn't have been acting. No offense.

It was for writing. Best Screenplay.

Writing! Wow.

I didn't know that was still a category.

What's next, Best Catering?

Ooh! Excuse me, Mr. Chase.

I am so sorry to interrupt you, but I just have to say,

you were hilarious in The Three Amigos.

Whoa! Blew me away.

Oh, and European Vacation? You are an amazing man!

Oh, come on, now. You're being silly.

We're all just human beings.

I'm exactly like you.

Except for the Oscar.

You have an Oscar?

Maybe.

Mm-hm.

She's cute.

Yeah.

Chevy! Are we still on for badminton?

Absolutely.

And, Paul. How are you?

Oh. I'm good.

Great.

We've actually been meaning to call.

We've had a good think, and whilst we know you're not keen,

if you'd just put on the hat one last time,

we have a killer idea.

Oh.

Dundee is angry. Why is he angry?

Wait for it... His wife, Sue, is dead.

Dead?

Eaten by a crocodile.

You want revenge.

You enlist the help of a gorgeous young park ranger

and boom! New love interest.

Sounds great. Sounds great.

You want to know who plays the gorgeous park ranger?

Rachel McAdams!

Wow!

As the love interest.

Rachel McAdams?

No.

Oh, come on. You don't like Rachel McAdams?

I love Rachel McAdams.

She's great. Okay?

I'm bloody 80. She's, what, 30?

He does have a point.

He's right.

She's too old.

No, that's not what I'm...

Do you have the list for High School Musical?

Yep.

Selena Gomez!

Emma Watson.

Abigail Breslin!

Yes!

No! No!

You know something?

You're actually being very, very difficult.

Oh.

He does have a point.

Mr. Chase.

Paul.

Yeah.

Oh. So, yeah, thanks, Chevy.

Oh, look at the time. Um...

Yeah, I've got to leave, Chevy. I've got an appointment.

Oh, really? Uh... Check, please.

Here. I'll fix it.

No, don't be silly.

Put that away. I've got this.

Are you sure?

Of course. My pleasure.

With everything you have going on, it's the least I can do.

Yeah. Thanks.

Good to see you.

Thanks.

Uh, excuse me?

Was that Chevy Chase?

Yep.

He's lovely!

Uh, is he lovely?

Oh, yeah, he's... he's, uh, very nice. Yeah.

I knew he would be.

Yep.

I love that guy.

National Lampoon's Vacation. Fantastic.

Oi! He didn't pay for his wine!

And that's all from me, Ryan Elcar,

and the team here at LA Local.

Be sure to keep watching throughout the evening

for regular updates,

and tune from 5am tomorrow when Suzanne O'Reilly

takes you through what you missed overnight...

? I gave my love a cherry

? That had no stone

? I gave my love a chicken

? That had no bones

? I gave my love a story

? That had no end

? I gave my love a baby

? With no... ?

Kid can sing.

Oh, yeah, I heard. All right, look.

When I first heard about the snake incident,

I was pretty upset, 'cause I thought

Paul Hogan was already dead.

He's been away so...

I have to go on stage every time and,

"Is that a knife? Is this not a knife?

"Is that a microphone?"

When asked about their close friendship,

the Oscar-winner Gary Oldman

denied ever meeting the troubled star...

Am I allowed to say "-wit"?

He's a [bleep...

Though, John Travolta

refused to discuss Mr. Hogan.

No. No. That's a very dangerous thing.

However, he released a statement:

"I don't care what he does,

"but the moment he stands on stage with my Olivia

"and tries to destroy our legacy, he's gone too far."

Hey. When did you learn to play guitar?

A couple of weeks ago.

Course.

You should come out.

We're gonna have a barbie,

play some more tunes.

Okay.

Oh, I've got a Spanish lesson at 8.

Make sure I don't forget, all right?

You're learning to speak Spanish?

No. Lo estoy ense�ando.

I'm not. I'm teaching it.

Of course you are.

..the little support Paul Hogan did once have

has disappeared completely.

Dad, you know no-one thinks this stuff, right?

I hope not.

...gone off the rails, right?

I don't care what anyone says. I love him.

This is all right, though.

I know he's had a lot of criticism...

Ooh. She loves you.

See? You'll be right.

You know, when I was a kid, I used to hide under the blankets

when he wrestled those crocodiles and snakes.

And what about Bindi and Paul? I mean...

No...

No, you're talking about Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.

Who did you ask about?

Crocodile Dundee. Paul Hogan.

Oh, him.

Yeah, he's a dickhead.

All right, all right, let me tell you

what I think about Mr. Paul Hogan...

Grandpa, have you ever had anyone not like you?

Uh, oh, yeah, maybe one or two people.

What did you do?

Well, nothing. You can't force people to like you, love.

Yeah, I mean, when I started on television,

one of my aunties was saying to me,

"Ooh, you shouldn't say that on television,"

or, "You shouldn't do this," or, "You shouldn't look like that.

"People won't like you."

But, you know, some people will like you, some won't.

It's... You just be yourself.

You mean I shouldn't let people know you're my grandpa

because you've been upsetting them forever?

Uh...

Yeah, oh, well, it's probably the safest thing

just not to mention me.

Listen, your mum said the new school's a bit tough for you.

Yeah.

Oh, well, look, it's not easy when you go to a new school,

but you'll be fine.

Yeah.

Listen.

I'm sorry if any of the stuff

that's been reported about me

makes it, uh... a bit hard for you,

but, you know, just don't worry about it.

You know, they make stuff up.

That's not what Mum says!

Oh, well... uh, Mum gets confused sometimes.

But don't worry, Grandpa. You're getting a knighthood.

That'll make up for all of it. No-one can take that away.

Oh, I hope not.

Oh, I drew this.

Ooh, did you do that?

Oh, you're really talented for a 19-year-old kid.

I'm not 19, I'm 9!

Oh, you can't be 9! You're too smart.

Thanks. But I just wanted to show you that.

I'd better go. The Wizard awaits.

Oh. Yeah. Uh, how's that going? How's that working out?

Pretty good. I can't wait for you to watch me sometime.

Oh, I'd love to see it.

Bye, Pa.

Yeah.

Bye, sweetie.

Hey! I can see your foot sticking out.

Come on, what are we doing? Playing hide-and-seek?

No, we're not.

So, what are you doing here, mate?

Well... I couldn't find Melrose.

All right, let's get it over with.

How much will you get for a photo of me?

Oh. Like, a hundred bucks.

100 bucks?

Yeah. I mean, that's if I'm lucky.

Oh. What about if I took my shirt off

and I'm all sweaty, you know,

coming out of the gym all pumped up and...

Ugh. No. Uh... 60, maybe?

Sixty?!

Mm-hm.

Okay. Um...

What about a photo of me with Kim Kardashian?

Now we're talking! That would be amazing.

I could get, like, 30 grand. Maybe even more.

Well, I mean, that's just for a photo of Kim, though.

Are you in it too?

Yeah.

Then it's, like, $120. Or less.

Oh!

Oh, don't worry. I can crop you out of it.

I got an idea, Paul.

What if I, like, got photos of you and, like, a new girlfriend?

No.

No, it could be good. It doesn't have to be a girlfriend.

Maybe, like... a lover.

Forget about it.

We could set that up.

You know, I just met a waitress at Denny's

and she was really into Australians.

I was like, "Oh, I know an Australian!"

All right, listen.

You don't have a car, do you?

Yeah, I... No, I don't.

Mmm. Okay.

Why?

Uh... No, I'd better not.

No, I promised my manager

I wouldn't get into any more trouble.

Oh, oh, oh! Do the opposite!

Do whatever you said you wouldn't do to your manager!

Do the opposite of that.

Let's do it! We'll do it together! Paul, please!

Please! Please!

Oh...

So, where are we going?

We need to find stars.

Yeah, you know, like George Clooney, Julia Roberts...

Kim Kardashian.

I, uh... I used to know where Cary Grant lived.

Yeah, but, uh, I think it's better

if we stick to celebrities that are still alive.

Okay. Betty White?

Oh... I mean, she's good. It's just...

What night is it?

Uh, Wednesday, I think.

Oh. Well, I know where they are.

Yeah?

Oh.

Crap!

Oh. Well, don't panic. It's just the police.

Yeah, but they've got big guns.

Yeah, but if you don't do anything stupid, they're fine.

What are you doing?

Just, uh... I'm just waiting for them to...

...get, uh...

...out of the car.

Right!

Oh, I forgot. Do you guys want mints or water or anything?

Uh... no, fine for now, John.

What?! No!

Listen, you gotta... you gotta pull over, talk to them!

Uh, no, no. I can't. I don't have my driver's license.

Well, then just tell them you left it at home!

No, I don't have a driving license.

Come to think of it, I don't even know whose car this is.

What?! Come on!

John!

Get your camera out.

Why, so I can photograph my own death?!

No, 'cause just round this corner,

there's gonna be a mother lode of celebrities.

Oh! Let's tap it. Let's tap!

Stephanie. Tell us about your latest role.

She's a hard-nosed FBI agent

that needs a lot of people killed.

Oh. How fun.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no...!

Arggh! No!

Uh, there seems to be some kind of disturbance happening.

Oh, this chase is getting out of control.

Police are advising drivers to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.

I never get tired of searchlights.

Right, Luke, stay alert. Kim Kardashian, two o'clock.

Can you slow down a bit?

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

Oh, look. Brad Pitt.

Hey!

Did you get him?

No.

I nearly did.

Yeah, we noticed.

Uh-oh.

What was that?

I think it was Harvey Weinstein.

Mmm. Good.

Shit!

And whilst I can't make out who's driving,

that is certainly Paul Hogan in the passenger seat.

Well, drivers are now in a panic.

The chase has moved to the other side of the road.

Thanks, guys! Don't forget to rate me.

Five stars.

Hey, where's he going?!

Quick. Inside.

Hey, do you really think that was Kim Kardashian?!

Just get inside the...!

Oh! Your place is gorgeous!

Come here!

You've got three garages?!

You've got three cars?

Or is it just storage?

Oh, a tennis court!

That's awesome!

I played tennis in high school.

I'm actually pretty good for my size.

Oh, look at the size of these doors!

Get in, get in!

Whoa! Look at this place!

You've got chairs. A coffee table.

A huge dining table. You've got, like, eight pillows.

Look at that.

What's that wind?

Oh, you've got a pool! You've got a TV!

...the speed of the chase.

It was disgusting, for heck's sake!

Oh, man!

Police are advising drivers to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.

The car has now been abandoned in a residential area.

LA people are so nuts!

Paul, get in here! You gotta check out the news!

Is that...

Yes, sadly, I believe

that is disgraced movie star Paul Hogan.

In what can only be described as a desperate cry for help,

it would appear the fallen icon

is now desperately trying to relive his glory days.

Paul!

Paul! Whoa!

This may be the saddest thing

this jaded old journalist has ever seen.

Paul! Paul!

Paul, you're on the news! Look!

It appears a lady has run from the house,

trying to plead with the troubled Hogan.

Uh...

The lady is down. The lady is down.

You got a light, buddy?

Yeah, sure, kid. There you go.

And your wallet.

Mickey, give him your wallet.

What for?

He's got a knife!

? You wave that shiny little thing in my face

? But, kid, your piece of cutlery's a bloody disgrace

? You look at me as if I should now run for my life

? But that's not a knife

? You think your little toy is gonna fill me with dread

? But you should take that home and file your toenails instead

? You're embarrassing yourself in front of my future wife

? 'Cause that's not a knife

? You should turn away from your life of crime

? Do something more worthwhile with your time

? Buddy, why you lookin' so deflated?

? Maybe 'cause your implement is not serrated

? I can see you're not the sharpest tool in the shed

? But I wouldn't use that little thing to butter my bread

? Kid, if I were you, I'd bloody run for my life

? 'Cause that's not a knife

? That's not a knife

? No, that's not a knife

? That's not a knife

? No, that's not a knife

? That's a knife

? Oh!

? Yes, that is a knife

? That is definitely a knife

? Remarkable sharpness and purity

? How'd he get that through airport security?

? I should be feeling fear and loathing

? Scariest thing about you is your choice of clothing

? Buddy, here's a little piece of friendly advice

? Threatening people on the street is not very nice

? So go sit somewhere quietly and keep out of strife

? Then you won't need a knife

? 'Cause that's not a knife

? Yeah, that's not a knife

? That's the knife

? So, keep sharpened up... ?

Hey, Hogan. You made bail.

Well, look, in my defense,

I had no idea we'd be trying to escape from the cops

in a... televised high-speed pursuit...

...with an unlicensed John Cleese driving a stolen car.

It is certainly

the story that won't go away

as disgraced racist nun-basher

and former Australian legend Paul Hogan

implodes before our very eyes.

...Margot Robbie and Paul Hogan becoming friends

while shooting that Australian tourism commercial.

We have Margot in our LA studio.

Margot, I want to start by asking,

have you reached out to your troubled friend at all?

Margot!

Margot?

Margot Robbie in... in LA, can you hear me?

She's, uh, gone, chief.

Margot?

Margot!

...with Hogan quickly becoming a global punchline...

...Australia, the Flipper...

...and I can't believe he hasn't been #MeToo'd yet.

When will his reign of madness end?

And your old mate Paul Hogan... What's going on there?

Does he need professional help?

I don't know. There's not a great deal...

It doesn't bear too much analysis.

I mean, this is pretty silly stuff.

Yeah, fair, pretty silly, but I've got to admit,

I'm actually surprised by how funny he is.

And he's kind of off the wall too.

I mean, there's recesses in this guy's brain

that are kind of pretty wild.

I've got a joke for you, right?

What do you call the fastest Australian in the world?

Paul!

The fastest what?

Australian.

Paul Ho-GUN!

Oh, wait. I've got one.

What does Paul say when he'd like the escort to leave?

Carol's here!

I don't know how she found me! You haven't seen me!

Mate, your timing couldn't be worse!

Just tell her you haven't seen me.

I can't lie to Carol. She's an angel.

No matter what she says, you have no idea where I am!

Good luck!

Shit!

Please, God! Please!

Please! I beg you!

Oh, bloody hell!

Wait, I've got one. What do you call Paul Hogan's latest movie?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Oh.

Oh. Oh, hi, Carol.

Hi, Paul. Uh, these are for you.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I thought it was the least that I could do

with you having to put up with him and all that noise.

Ah. Um, put up with what?

What?

With Wayne.

Wayne?

Where is he, Paul?

Uh, who?

Wayne.

Wayne?

Mmm.

Oh. Uh, uh... haven't seen him.

Really? Oh.

Yeah.

I...

Paul, I'm gonna need you to be honest with me.

Oh, of course. Yeah.

Have you seen my husband?

Wayne? Uh...

...n-no. Uh...

Okay.

Um... I'm sorry.

Oh, no, that's okay. Knowing Wayne, he's probably...

Sorry, sweetheart.

New-show jitters. You know how I am.

Ah. Why, you lying little...

Oh, no, hey, but he told me...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Don't look at me.

No, you gave it away the minute you opened the door.

You looked so guilty.

I am very disappointed with you.

That makes two of us.

Yeah, I read the press. I was gonna leave anyway.

Oh, and I'd give that robe a wash.

Yes. Oh, b-b-b-b... mwah!

Bye.

Uh...

One thing that is safe to say

is the once loved Mr. Dundee

doesn't have a friend left in the world.

Got a letter from the palace.

Oh.

Well... I guess we both know what this says.

Yeah. I think so.

Oh. Dunno how I'm gonna tell Lucy, though.

Yeah. Well, people are just sort of... so angry at me.

I don't know what I'm gonna tell my mom.

I wish my dad was here. He'd know what to do.

Hey. You did a great job.

You were just, uh... trying to manage a boofhead.

Well, I was managing a boofhead.

Yeah.

Gonna be okay?

Yeah.

You know...

...I've always wanted to make something for kids.

You should.

Yeah. I'll find something.

I wasn't really much of a manager anyway.

Nope.

Hello, Paul.

Oh.

I'm Ella.

Oh. I'm Paul.

Hello.

Hello, Ella.

Hi.

Oh, goodness.

So, the others aren't here yet?

Uh, no.

Ooh. Sorry. Gosh.

That's me. How rude.

Sorry!

No, it's fine.

Oh, it's Livvy.

Um... Oh.

"Running late. Be there soon."

Uh-huh.

Right.

Do you get the feeling this is a set-up?

I'm starting to, yes.

Oh, dear. Ahem.

Oh, Livvy. I'll kill her.

Oh, I love your dress.

Uh... it's a top.

But thank you.

Of course it's a top.

Oh, my goodness.

These things are always awkward, aren't they?

What?

Dates.

Actually, I wouldn't know.

I haven't been on a date since man walked on the moon.

Half a century ago.

Goodness.

If you took you another half-century to go on a date,

it must have been a bad one.

It was pretty bad, actually.

Well, anyway...

I'm... I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad too.

Oh, my goodness!

I think that's Chevy Chase.

Just slid right off the table.

Course it's him.

He's pretty good. He won an Academy Award.

Oh, really? Oh.

You need to have these fixed.

I didn't know that.

Good evening.

Could I interest you in our wine list this evening?

Oh, y-yes, please.

Certainly, sir.

Thank you.

Um... is it okay if I make a tiny little confession?

Yeah.

I... may not be an innocent bystander in all of this.

I might... have had a conversation

with Olivia beforehand.

Oh. Yeah, I'll be having a little chat to Olivia.

He's got my keys!

Stop him! Somebody stop him!

Oh.

A-are you okay?

Yeah. Uh, back in a sec.

Over there!

Stop him! Somebody stop him! It's the Phantom Valet!

I know it is! Somebody stop him!

I've still got it.

Not bad!

Like a scene from the movie itself,

much loved Aussie star Paul Hogan is back

and reminding us of what he is truly made of.

However, the same cannot be said for another comedy icon:

Chevy Chase, whose downfall has begun

as he was dragged from an LA eatery

for displacing condiments.

The troubled star was heard to be screaming:

"But I won an Oscar!"

Wait. He won an Oscar?

? We cut through glaciers And coastline by the afternoon

? Rivers cut through The gorge ?

? And the water's clean And the water's smooth ?

? See, I've been trying To move along, move along ?

? Concepting to keeping strong For far too long ?

? When all I had to do Was rest my head... ?

Your photos are amazing!

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Uh-huh.

I can't believe you've pulled this together.

To be honest...

I always thought you wouldn't amount to much.

Thank you...

Mom.

? Oh-ho, that's in gold ?

How'd he get the idea?

He is a genius.

? And it doesn't Feel right anymore ?

Hello?

Hey! How's it going back there?

Ah. All set.

It's pretty amazing out here too.

I've never seen so much privilege in one place.

Well, I hope your mum fits right in.

She does.

Can you believe they changed their minds?

Yeah.

Oh. Um, I'd better let you go.

Nah.

It is with tremendous excitement and gratitude

that today we honor Mr. Paul Hogan,

the star of Her Majesty's favorite movie,

Crocodile Dundee III.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hogan couldn't be here today,

as he had somewhere important to be.

? Oh-ho, it's in gold ?

? See, I've been trying ?

Thank you.

? And it doesn't Feel right anymore ?

And Paul Hogan is back in the news

after failing to turn up to an appearance on The Tonight Show.

Grandpa!

? On our own ?

? We don't have to do this On our own ?

You made it!

Oh, yeah. Wouldn't want to miss this.

Is it true?

Yeah, I'm really here.

But what about Chase?

? See, I've been trying To hold on to this all alone ?

And accepting on Mr. Hogan's behalf,

Miss Angie Douglas.

With the subject now,

heading eastward towards the 405.

All officers, be warned, it is John Cleese.

Hello!

Hi. Oh, you found the place.

Yeah. Great directions.

Yeah.

Hello!

He's a little sweetie, isn't he?

Hello! Oh, my goodness! Hi!

Oh, wow!

Paddy!

Oh, my goodness! Hello, gorgeous!

Hello, g... Oh, they're gorgeous.

What's her name? Oh, my heavens!

Paddy.

Hello, Paddy!

Wow!

Yeah.

How lucky are we?

Oh, it's so gorgeous here.

Come and play, Grandpa!

Oh, later, sweetheart. I gotta have my power nap.

Okay.

Okay.

Ah!

? Hello, my baby, hello, my honey

? Hello, my ragtime gal

? Send me a kiss by wire

? Baby, my heart's on fire

? If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me

Oh, shit.

? Then you'll be left alone

? Oh, baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own! ?

? Got me feeling ?

? Got me feeling good ?

? All the rocky roads ?

? Never felt so smooth ?

? I will shake to left And shake to the right ?

? Shake it all day Then I shake it all night ?

? Got me feeling ?

? Got me feeling good ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? Got me feeling good Got me feeling good ?

? Got me feeling good, good ?

? Got me feeling good, good ?

Now, that's a...

really dumb way to shave.

? Gotta cut off ?

? All my troublesome blues ?

? Hey ?

? Got me feeling like ?

? I got nothing to lose ?

? Hoo-hoo ?

? I will shake to left And shake to the right ?

? Shake it all day Then I shake it all night ?

? Got me feeling ?

? Got me feeling good Now, now, now ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You've got me feeling good Got me feeling good ?

? Got me feeling good, good Got me feeling good, good ?

? You've got me feeling good Got me feeling good ?

? Got me feeling good, good Got me feeling good, good ?

? Yeah, you've got me Feeling good ?

? Got me feeling good Got me feeling good, good ?

? Got me feeling good, good ?

? Yeah, you've got me Feeling good ?

? Got me feeling good Got me feeling good, good ?

? Got me feeling good, good ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You make me go: Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ?

? You wave the shiny Little thing in my face ?

? But kid, your piece of cutlery Is quite a disgrace ?

? You look at me as if I should now run for my life ?

? But that's not a knife ?

? You think your little toy Is gonna fill me with dread ?

? But you should take that home File your toenails instead ?

? You're embarrassing yourself In front of my future wife ?

? 'Cause that's not a knife ?

? You should turn away From your life of crime ?

? Do something more worthwhile With your time ?

? Buddy, why you looking So deflated?

? Maybe 'cause your implement Is not serrated ?

? I can see you're not The sharpest tool in the shed ?

? But I wouldn't use That little thing ?

? To butter my bread ?

? Kid, if I were you I'd bloody run for my life ?

? 'Cause that's not a knife ?

? No, that's not a knife ?

? No, that's not a knife ?

? That's a knife ?

? Oh, yes, that is a knife ?

? That is definitely a knife ?

? That's a knife ?

That's a knife.