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1
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,743
AH. ARENA FOOTBALL.
2
00:00:08,777 --> 00:00:12,847
COUNTRY COUSIN OF
THE MONSTER-TRUCK RALLY.
3
00:00:12,881 --> 00:00:16,918
THE DEADBEAT DAD
OF ROLLER DERBY.
4
00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:18,419
ARENA FOOTBALL.
5
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:21,389
FOOTBALL
IN AN ARENA.
6
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,057
Man on P.A.:
WELCOME TO THE RUTHER-DOME.
7
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:26,728
PLEASE RISE
FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
8
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,769
THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC WAVE
I'VE EVER SEEN.
9
00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:37,739
ARE THESE PEOPLE PLAYING
A DANGEROUS GAME?
10
00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:39,073
THEY'VE CRESTED
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
11
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,610
SOONER OR LATER
THEY'VE GOT TO CRASH.
12
00:00:41,643 --> 00:00:44,879
* OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE
13
00:00:44,913 --> 00:00:46,014
* BY THE DAWN'S...
14
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:48,282
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT
15
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,818
FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM, HUH?
16
00:00:49,851 --> 00:00:51,085
YES, SIR.
17
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,053
WHAT DO WE DO, DICK?
18
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:54,723
JUST DO WHAT THE OTHERS
ARE DOING.
19
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,192
* YEA, THOUGH I WALK
20
00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:01,796
* THROUGH THE VALLEY
OF DEATH *
21
00:01:01,830 --> 00:01:03,464
* I KNOW THAT
22
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,232
OH, CHECK IT OUT.
23
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:05,634
THE WORDS ARE
ON THE RUTHER-TRON.
24
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:08,202
* GALLANTLY STREAMING
25
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:11,305
* AND THE ROCKET'S
RED GLARE *
26
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:14,809
* THE BOMBS BURSTING
IN AIR *
27
00:01:14,843 --> 00:01:18,446
* GAVE PROOF
THRO' THE NIGHT *
28
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:22,951
* THAT OUR FLAG
WAS STILL THERE *
29
00:01:22,984 --> 00:01:32,927
* OH, SAY DOES
THAT STAR-SPANGLED
BANNER YET WAVE *
30
00:01:32,961 --> 00:01:40,735
* O'ER THE LAND
OF THE FREE *
31
00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:50,945
* AND THE HOME
OF THE BRAVE? *
32
00:01:50,979 --> 00:01:52,513
[ALL CHEERING]
33
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,916
ONE MORE TIME!
34
00:02:33,021 --> 00:02:34,889
[HUMMING]
35
00:02:34,923 --> 00:02:37,291
I CANNOT
GET THAT SONG
OUT OF MY HEAD.
36
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,260
I KNOW. IT IS,
WITHOUT A DOUBT,
37
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,963
ONE OF THE CATCHIEST SONGS
I'VE EVER HEARD.
38
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:42,997
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
39
00:02:43,031 --> 00:02:46,768
ACHY BREAKY HEART
IS DEAD TO ME.
40
00:02:46,801 --> 00:02:50,271
AND NOW I CAN'T
GET T SONG
OUT OF MY HEAD.
41
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,105
HEY, GUYS,
42
00:02:51,139 --> 00:02:54,275
CHECK OUT
WHAT I FOUND
IN THE CLOSET.
43
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,443
IT'S THE ORIGINAL
COPY
44
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,978
OF THE DECLARATN
OF INDEPENDENCE.
45
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:57,912
NO!
46
00:02:57,946 --> 00:03:01,015
YEAH, AND IT'S ON ONE
OF THE ORIGINAL COPIES
47
00:03:01,049 --> 00:03:03,852
OF A RUSTY BURGER
PLACE MAT.
48
00:03:03,885 --> 00:03:06,254
LOOK AT THIS
WAR-TORN DOCUMENT,
49
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:09,824
STAINED WITH THE BLOOD
AND MUSTARD
OF PATRIOTS PAST.
50
00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:10,859
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
51
00:03:10,892 --> 00:03:12,794
YOU KNOW, HUMANS
HAVE SUCH A DEEP LOVE
52
00:03:12,827 --> 00:03:14,462
FOR THEIR COUNTRY
OF ORIGIN,
53
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:17,265
THEY'D EVEN LAY DOWN
THEIR LIVES FOR IT.
WHY IS THAT?
54
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,900
IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE TO ME.
55
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,468
IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY HAVE ANY SAY
IN WHERE THEY'RE BORN.
56
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,235
IT'S TOTALLY RANDOM.
57
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,104
YEAH, ALTHOUGH
A LOT OF CHINESE
58
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:25,439
TEND TO END UP
IN CHINA.
59
00:03:27,876 --> 00:03:29,778
HEY, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE AMERICAN.
60
00:03:29,811 --> 00:03:30,879
WE'D BETTER
GET WITH THE PROGRAM,
61
00:03:30,912 --> 00:03:32,847
OR IT'S GONNA LOOK
AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS.
62
00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:35,616
TOMMY, YOU STUDY
THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS
63
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,718
THAT CREATED THIS COUNTRY,
AND SEE WHAT'S THERE.
64
00:03:37,752 --> 00:03:38,887
WILL DO.
HARRY...
65
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,489
YOU COVER ANTHEMS,
AND AMERICAN
EPIC POETRY.
66
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,590
OK.
AND YOU, SALLY,
67
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,159
I WANT YOU SEARCHING
SO MUCH MICROFICHE
AT THE LIBRARY
68
00:03:45,193 --> 00:03:46,895
THAT YOU'LL WISH WE HAD
AN INTERNET CONNECTION.
69
00:03:46,928 --> 00:03:48,029
SIR, YES, SIR!
70
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,597
GODSPEED.
71
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:50,664
OK, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
72
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,266
COME ON, AMERICANS,
LET'S GET OVER HERE.
73
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,134
LET'S START
WITH THIS THING.
74
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:54,468
UM, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
75
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,671
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS
TO BE SELF EVIDENT
76
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,373
"THAT ALL MEN
ARE CREATED EQUAL,
77
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,409
BUT THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED--"
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT--
78
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:02,243
WHAT?
79
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,278
"THAT ALL MEN
ARE CREATED EQUAL."
80
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:07,215
WE'RE ALL EQUAL?
WELL, THAT'S COOL.
81
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:08,316
YEAH.
82
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:11,319
SO THEN, FOR US
TO BE THE BEST
AMERICANS WE CAN BE,
83
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,921
WE NEED COMPLETE
EQUALITY.
84
00:04:12,954 --> 00:04:14,188
YES, YES, YES.
85
00:04:14,222 --> 00:04:15,656
WE NEED TO SHARE
EVERYTHING.
86
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:18,026
THE FOOD,
THE LAND, THE WORK.
87
00:04:18,059 --> 00:04:19,427
WE'LL COMMUNE
TOGETHER.
88
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:20,261
EXACTLY!
89
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,030
ALL RIGHT,
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
90
00:04:22,063 --> 00:04:22,931
WHO'S IN CHARGE?
91
00:04:22,964 --> 00:04:25,166
NO ONE, THAT'S THE POINT.
WE'RE ALL EQUAL.
92
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,735
RIGHT. GOOD CATCH.
OK, GOOD.
93
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,736
DON'T YOU THINK
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
94
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,106
WE NEED SOMEBODY
TO BE IN CHARGE
OF EQUALITY?
95
00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,442
YOU KNOW,
JUST TO MAKE SURE
THINGS STAY EQUAL?
96
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,978
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
JUST A LITTLE EXTRA
PAPERWORK,
97
00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:40,014
NOT MUCH GLORY...
BUT WHO?
98
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:47,956
HARRY?
99
00:04:47,989 --> 00:04:49,257
YOU INTO IT?
100
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,759
ME? WELL,
I DON'T KNOW.
101
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,462
IT WOULD LOOK GOOD
ON YOUR RESUME.
102
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,097
YEAH.
103
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,732
THEN I'D BE THE GUY
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF EQUALITY,
104
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:03,171
AND TEACHES MATH
TO INNER-CITY
SCHOOL CHILDREN.
105
00:05:03,204 --> 00:05:06,607
HARRY, YOU DON'T
TEACH MATH.
106
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,010
OK, SO I PADDED IT.
107
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,885
MARY,
JUST CURIOUS...
108
00:05:16,918 --> 00:05:18,352
WHAT WOULD
YOU GIVE AMERICA
109
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:19,988
ON A SCALE
OF 1 TO 10?
110
00:05:20,021 --> 00:05:21,655
OH, I'D GIVE IT A 10.
111
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:22,656
A 10?
112
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,058
WHY, WHAT WOULD
YOU GIVE IT?
113
00:05:24,092 --> 00:05:27,628
OH, IT WOULD BE UP THERE.
A 7 OR 8.
114
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,030
7 OR 8?
115
00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:32,200
WELL, IT'S NOT SET
IN STONE. WOW ME.
116
00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:34,102
OH, DICK, THERE ARE PLACES
IN THIS WORLD
117
00:05:34,135 --> 00:05:36,537
WHERE YOU WOULD
GO TO JAIL, OR EVEN WORSE
118
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,073
FOR GIVING YOUR COUNTRY
A 7 OR AN 8.
119
00:05:39,107 --> 00:05:40,374
REALLY?
120
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,911
AMERICA GIVES YOU
SO MANY FREEDOMS.
121
00:05:42,944 --> 00:05:46,680
FINE, I'LL GIVE IT
A HARD 8.
122
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:50,818
I'M SORRY, I GET A LITTLE
PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS.
123
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,487
YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY
CAME OVER ON THE MAYFLOWER.
124
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:54,255
THE MAYFLOWE?
125
00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:56,958
OH, BOY.
126
00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:58,126
THAT'S RIGHT.
NETTIE ALBRIGHT
127
00:05:58,159 --> 00:05:59,660
WAS ONE
OF THE FIRST SETTLERS
128
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,130
TO COME TO AMERICA
ON THE MAYFLOWER.
129
00:06:02,163 --> 00:06:06,534
NINA, WAS YOUR FAMILY
ON THE MAYFLOWER?
130
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:10,138
NO, WE CAME OVER
ON A DIFFERENT BOAT,
131
00:06:10,171 --> 00:06:11,973
BUT I'M SURE
WE HOOKED UP
WITH THE ALBRIGHTS
132
00:06:12,006 --> 00:06:15,276
SOON AFTER
WE ARRIVED.
133
00:06:18,179 --> 00:06:20,414
OUR FAMILY IS A MORE
RECENT ARRIVAL,
134
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,582
SO I--I GUESS
WE'LL NEVER BE
135
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,451
AS AMERICAN
AS YOU ARE, HUH?
136
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:27,288
OH, NO. YOU'RE MISSING
THE POINT.
137
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:29,423
WE'RE A LAND
OF IMMIGRANTS.
138
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,092
THE ALBRIGHTS
FOUNDED AMERICA
139
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:34,662
SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO COME FROM NEAR AND FAR
140
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,531
COULD SHARE
IN ITS FREEDOMS
AND PROSPERITY.
141
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,100
IS THERE SUCH A THING
AS TOO FAR?
142
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,902
OF COURSE NOT...
143
00:06:41,936 --> 00:06:44,138
TOO MANY, MAYBE.
144
00:06:44,172 --> 00:06:48,342
SO WE'RE THE SAME.
2 AMERICANS.
145
00:06:48,376 --> 00:06:50,544
OH, I'VE NEVER FELT
AS CLOSE TO YOU
146
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,947
AS I DO RIGHT NOW.
147
00:06:52,981 --> 00:06:54,415
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE AMERICANS
148
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:55,316
SLIP INTO
THE COPY ROOM
149
00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:57,518
AND DECLARE
INDEPENDENCE
FROM OUR PANTS?
150
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:58,652
OH!
151
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,827
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHAT'S WITH
THE NEW SHOES?
152
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:11,165
THEY'RE NOT NEW.
I GOT 'EM 4 HOURS AGO.
153
00:07:11,199 --> 00:07:13,401
HARRY.
154
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:14,635
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS DECIDED
155
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,138
THAT THERE WILL
BE NO COMPETITION
IN DRESS.
156
00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:18,939
IF ONE OF US
GETS NEW SHOES,
157
00:07:18,973 --> 00:07:21,609
WE ALL GET
NEW SHOES.
158
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:22,610
I'M DOWN WITH THAT.
159
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,345
NICE JOB,
EQUALITY LEADER.
160
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:28,249
AND YOUR SUNDAES
ARE READY.
161
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,751
AND OOP.
162
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:39,193
HEY, TOMMY GOT MORE
ICE CREAM THAN ME.
163
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,867
NOPE. EQUAL.
164
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:47,801
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
165
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,004
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS RULED.
166
00:07:50,038 --> 00:07:53,407
YEAH. 1, 2, 3.
167
00:07:53,441 --> 00:07:55,676
1, 2, 3.
168
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,812
1, 2, 3.
169
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:02,783
UH...
170
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,218
I--I DIDN'T GET
ANY WHIPPED CREAM.
171
00:08:04,252 --> 00:08:06,120
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS RULED.
172
00:08:06,154 --> 00:08:09,823
EH, EH, EH, EH,
EH, EH, EH, EH.
173
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,594
4 CHERRIES.
174
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:16,030
HOW'S HE GONNA
DIVIDE THAT UP?
175
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:37,051
[SIGHS]
THE LEADER HAS RULED.
176
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,821
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
177
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,128
PLEASE RISE
FOR THE PLEDGE
OF ALLEGIANCE.
178
00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:48,529
[ALL CHATTER]
179
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,999
YES, THE PLEDGE.
UP, UP, UP!
180
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,667
AND NO FANCY
ALTERNATE WORDING.
181
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,903
I WANT IT PERFORMED
EXACTLY AS IT APPEARS
182
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:58,472
ON MY LAMINATED
BOOKMARKER.
183
00:08:58,506 --> 00:08:59,640
AND BEGIN.
184
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,008
WAIT. WHERE
DO WE LOOK?
185
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,078
UH, PAIR OFF AND LOOK
AT YOUR PARTNERS.
186
00:09:04,112 --> 00:09:06,547
DON'T--DON'T WE HAVE
TO LOOK AT A FLAG?
187
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,917
UH, YES, OF COURSE.
UH, WHO HAS A FLAG?
188
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,920
NO ONE BROUGHT
A FLAG TO CLASS?
189
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,688
CARYN HAS A FLAG
ON HER PANTS.
190
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,490
OH, UH, GREAT.
UH, CARYN,
191
00:09:16,524 --> 00:09:17,391
PLEASE REMOVE
YOUR PANTS
192
00:09:17,425 --> 00:09:20,161
AND PASS THEM
TO THE FRONT
OF THE CLASS.
193
00:09:20,194 --> 00:09:22,730
NO, DR. SOLOMON, I'M NOT
GONNA REMOVE MY PANTS.
194
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,366
OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
195
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,400
THAT WOULD
BE DEGRADING.
196
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:27,468
JUST GET UP
ON THE DESK.
197
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,437
COME ON.
UP, UP, UP...
198
00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:32,005
AND UP!
199
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:35,075
AND, UH...
200
00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:36,076
AND BEGIN.
201
00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:39,113
All: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE FLAG--
202
00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:40,214
WHAT FLAG IS THAT?
203
00:09:40,248 --> 00:09:42,150
OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA--
204
00:09:42,183 --> 00:09:43,617
COME ON, SELL IT,
SELL IT!
205
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:47,121
AND TO THE REPUBLIC
FOR WHICH IT STANDS--
206
00:09:47,155 --> 00:09:48,456
TO THE REPUBLIC
FOR WHICH IT STANDS!
207
00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:51,759
ONE NATION, UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE--
208
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,228
INVISIBLE? WHO SAID
INVISIBLE? LEON!
209
00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:56,464
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
210
00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:58,866
WHAT KIND
OF A PLEDGE IS THAT?
211
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,269
WHERE'S THE PASSION?
WHERE'S THE ENTHUSIASM?
212
00:10:01,302 --> 00:10:03,637
OH, NEVER MIND.
213
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:07,241
CARYN,
GET OFF MY DESK!
214
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:13,314
HURRY UP.
HARRY'S DAILY ADDRESS
IS ABOUT TO START.
215
00:10:20,188 --> 00:10:21,489
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
216
00:10:21,522 --> 00:10:23,291
OH, I DO.
217
00:10:23,324 --> 00:10:24,658
EVER SINCE I CAME
TO THIS PLANET,
218
00:10:24,692 --> 00:10:26,460
I'VE HAD TO OBSESS
OVER WHAT TO WEAR,
219
00:10:26,494 --> 00:10:28,562
AND HOW MUCH TO EAT,
AND HOW TO FIX MY HAIR.
220
00:10:28,596 --> 00:10:31,098
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN
THERE'S ORDER AGAIN,
221
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,635
AND ALL MY DECISIONS
ARE MADE FOR ME.
222
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,737
BUT WE'RE LOSING
OUR INDIVIDUALITY.
223
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:41,342
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT,
NUMBER 1258?
224
00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:44,212
CITIZENS OF AMERICA,
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE
225
00:10:44,245 --> 00:10:47,781
THAT THINGS HAVE
NEVER BEEN MORE EQUAL.
226
00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:49,217
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
227
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:53,654
ENOUGH! I HAVE INSTALLED
INTERCOMS
228
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:54,755
THROUGHOUT THE APARTMENT
229
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:57,024
TO BETTER FACILITATE
COMMUNICATION.
230
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,493
NO MATTER WHAT ROOM
YOU ARE IN,
231
00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:01,829
I WILL HEAR YOU...
232
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,097
OR YOU CAN
COMMUNICATE WITH ME
233
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,000
ON ANY AND ALL ISSUES
OF EQUALITY
234
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:10,170
YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP!
235
00:11:16,444 --> 00:11:18,078
AND NO MORE SHOES!
236
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,449
WE WILL BURY THESE SHOES!
237
00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:22,516
THAT IS ALL.
238
00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:25,753
Dick: FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
239
00:11:32,426 --> 00:11:35,929
OH, YOU ALL
LOOK FETCHING.
240
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,398
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
241
00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:39,600
I DON'T CARE.
242
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,802
TOMMY, WAS THE NAME
OF THE SHIP
THAT BROUGHT US HERE
243
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,971
CALLED THE MAYFLOWER?
244
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:46,774
NO, I THINK IT WAS CALLED
THE Z-5000.
245
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,910
THE Z-5000 FLOWER?
246
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,646
UH, NO.
JUST THE Z-5000.
247
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:53,781
OH, TOO BAD.
248
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,750
YOU KNOW, I HAD
SUCH A GREAT TIME
WITH MARY TODAY.
249
00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:58,218
IN THE PAST,
THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
250
00:11:58,252 --> 00:11:59,653
THIS HUMAN-ALIEN
BARRIER,
251
00:11:59,687 --> 00:12:02,189
BUT TODAY, WE WERE
JUST 2 AMERICANS.
252
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,325
YOU'RE CANADIAN.
253
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,795
WHAT?!
254
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,897
YOUR PASSPORT HERE
SAYS YOU'RE CANADIAN.
255
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:10,598
GUILTY.
256
00:12:10,631 --> 00:12:12,400
NO! HOW COME
I'M NOT AMERICAN?
257
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:15,269
WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD LOOK
PRETTY SUSPICIOUS
258
00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:17,204
IF ALL 4 MEMBERS
OF OUR FAMILY
259
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,307
WERE FROM
THE SAME COUNTRY.
260
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:21,675
I CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THAT LOGIC.
261
00:12:21,709 --> 00:12:23,043
BUT WHAT
AM I GONNA DO?
262
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,111
HOW AM I GONNA
TELL MARY
263
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,180
THAT SHE'S SLEEPING
WITH THE ENEMY?
264
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,655
MMM...
265
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:35,989
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS 4 CHEESES.
266
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,693
I THINK
THIS IS 5 CHEESES.
267
00:12:39,727 --> 00:12:40,961
YOU KNOW WHO
I'D REALLY LIKE
268
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,963
TO SIT DOWN
AND SPEND
SOME TIME WITH?
269
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:47,034
WHO?
CANADIAN SONGSTRESS
CELINE DION.
270
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,372
GOOD, DICK.
271
00:12:51,405 --> 00:12:53,507
THAT'S RIGHT,
I SAID CANADIAN.
272
00:12:53,541 --> 00:12:55,175
WHO KNEW?
I DIDN'T...
273
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,544
BECAUSE SHE'S
NOT ONE OF THOSE
274
00:12:56,577 --> 00:12:58,379
IN-YOUR-FACE
CANADIANS.
275
00:12:58,412 --> 00:13:01,815
SHE'S JUST A NORMAL
PERSON LIKE YOU
AND ME, ONLY...
276
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,452
CANADIAN.
277
00:13:04,485 --> 00:13:07,421
GOOD FOR HER.
278
00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:08,689
YOU KNOW, I--I THINK
THE 2 OF YOU
279
00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:09,990
WOULD BE GREAT FRIENDS.
280
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,058
I'M SURE WE WOULD.
281
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,259
OH, MARY,
DO YOU MEAN IT?
282
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,628
NO, I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT HER.
283
00:13:14,662 --> 00:13:16,296
I DON'T LISTEN
TO HER MUSIC.
284
00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:18,399
SO, HER SHRILL,
CANADIAN VOICE
285
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:21,969
SOUNDS TRAMP-LIKE
TO YOU?
286
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,604
I DO NOT HAVE
A STRONG OPINION
287
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,806
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
288
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,542
CARE FOR
A CANADIAN LAGER?
289
00:13:28,576 --> 00:13:31,345
OH, PUT THAT AWAY!
WE'RE AT SCHOOL!
290
00:13:31,379 --> 00:13:33,914
FINE, FINE.
291
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:38,386
MMM, MARY,
THIS CANADIAN BACON
IS GOOD STUFF.
292
00:13:38,419 --> 00:13:39,853
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
293
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:42,222
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
HAD CANADIAN BACON.
294
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:46,627
OH, MARY,
YOU'VE BEEN HAVING IT
FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS!
295
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:51,699
NEXT.
296
00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:53,000
NEXT!
297
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,739
HELLO, CITIZEN.
298
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:00,240
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
299
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,711
I NEED TOILET PAPER.
300
00:14:03,744 --> 00:14:07,981
SORRY, TODAY WE ARE
DISTRIBUTING POTATOES.
301
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,652
BUT I REALLY NEED
TOILET PAPER.
302
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,921
WELL, WE'VE GOT SAND PAPER.
303
00:14:21,529 --> 00:14:23,831
FINE. I'LL TAKE
A POTATO.
304
00:14:28,469 --> 00:14:29,837
TOMMY, YOU HAVE
TO HELP ME.
305
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,772
I NEED TO BECOME
AN AMERICAN.
306
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:32,773
WELL, I'M FINDING
AMERICA
307
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:35,008
PRETTY OPPRESSIVE
THESE DAYS.
308
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,577
I THINK YOU'RE LUCKY
TO BE A CANADIAN.
309
00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:38,846
OH, THERE'S ONLY
ONE LUCKY CANADIAN,
310
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:42,583
AND HIS NAME
IS PETER JENNINGS.
311
00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:44,652
FINE. IF YOU WANT
TO BE AN AMERICAN
SO BADLY,
312
00:14:44,685 --> 00:14:46,620
I'LL JUST
PRINT YOU UP
A FAKE PASSPORT.
313
00:14:46,654 --> 00:14:48,155
DON'T YOU GET IT, MAN?
314
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,223
I'VE BEEN FAKE
FOR TOO LONG.
315
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,761
FOR 5 YEARS,
I'VE BEEN PRETENDING
TO BE HUMAN WITH MARY,
316
00:14:53,794 --> 00:14:58,499
BUT FOR ONE BRIEF,
SHINING MOMENT,
WE WERE BOTH REAL.
317
00:14:58,532 --> 00:15:00,834
REAL AMERICANS.
I WANT THAT BACK!
318
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:02,870
WELL, THEN, YOU'LL HAVE
TO DO IT THE HARD WAY.
319
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:03,937
APPLY FOR CITIZENSHIP.
320
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:06,674
THE HARD WAY
IS THE AMERICAN WAY.
321
00:15:06,707 --> 00:15:07,708
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
322
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,477
I'M WEARING STANDARD
ISSUE UNDERWEAR,
323
00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:14,347
AND GUESS WHAT?
IT RIDES.
324
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:15,983
UNTIL I GET MY AMERICAN
CITIZENSHIP,
325
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,418
I'LL--I'LL JUST BE
CAREFUL WHAT I TALK ABOOT
AROUND MARY.
326
00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,354
UH, UH...
327
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:22,389
ABOOT?
328
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,525
DID I SAY "ABOOT?"
OH, I'M SORRY,
329
00:15:24,558 --> 00:15:26,760
I'VE BEEN UNDER
A LOT OF STRESS, EH?
330
00:15:26,794 --> 00:15:28,862
EH? OOH!
331
00:15:28,896 --> 00:15:31,298
SO, TOMMY...
332
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,767
I UNDERSTAND
SOMEONE'S
NOT TOO HAPPY
333
00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:36,069
WITH
HIS UNDERWEAR.
334
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,304
HOW DID YOU
KNOW THAT?
335
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:42,442
I HAVE EYES
AND EARS EVERYWHERE.
336
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,116
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M, UH...
337
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,651
HERE FOR MY CITIZENSHIP.
338
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:52,720
YOU MEAN YOU'RE HERE
TO TAKE THE TEST?
339
00:15:52,753 --> 00:15:54,588
A TEST? OH, NO, NO, NO.
340
00:15:54,622 --> 00:15:56,890
NO, THAT WON'T
BE NECESSARY.
341
00:15:56,924 --> 00:15:57,858
I THINK I'M EXEMPT.
342
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:59,927
I REGULARLY
"DO" A WOMAN
343
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,796
WITH CLOSE TIES
TO THE MAYFLOWER.
344
00:16:02,830 --> 00:16:03,697
REALLY?
345
00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:08,902
YES, THE MAYFLOWER,
AND YES, "DO."
346
00:16:08,936 --> 00:16:11,304
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
347
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,073
UM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THESE STUDY MATERIALS
348
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,241
AND JUST COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE READY?
349
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,109
NO, I--I'M READY NOW.
350
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,011
I--I'VE LIED
ON MY TAX RETURNS,
351
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:21,749
I'VE BEEN ARRESTED,
AND I DON'T VOTE.
I'M A TRUE AMERICAN.
352
00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:24,885
TEST ME. TEST ME NOW.
353
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,754
OK, QUESTION ONE...
354
00:16:26,787 --> 00:16:29,322
"HOW IS THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
ELECTED?"
355
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,024
UH, NO, I KNOW THIS.
356
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:35,262
HE OR SHE--
YEAH, RIGHT--
357
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,429
IS CHOSEN ON THE BASIS
358
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,566
OF HOW PHYSICALLY
ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE,
359
00:16:38,599 --> 00:16:42,836
AND THEIR DEFINITION
OF ADULTERY.
360
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:48,008
AND IT DOESN'T HURT
TO KNOW BARBRA STREISAND.
361
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:09,062
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
TO THIS PLACE?
362
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,430
A REVOLUTION.
363
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,767
TOMMY, DID YOU SEE
WHO DID THIS?
364
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:16,103
IT WAS ME!
365
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,404
I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE
366
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,206
WHERE I CAN BE
AN INDIVIDUAL.
367
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,174
WHERE I CAN
EXPRESS MYSELF FREELY
368
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:22,610
AND PURSUE
MY OWN HAPPINESS.
369
00:17:22,643 --> 00:17:25,613
AND YOU'RE GONNA
GIVE UP AMERICA FOR THAT?
370
00:17:25,646 --> 00:17:29,416
DON'T YOU SEE?
THIS ISN'T EQUALITY,
THIS IS CONFORMITY.
371
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,284
THE GRAND DREAM IS DEAD.
372
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,520
SALLY...
373
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,423
I KNOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT SOME HISTORY
WITH THIS FELLOW.
374
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:37,124
WHAT, ME? NO.
375
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:40,628
THEN PROVE IT.
TAKE HIM OUT.
376
00:17:40,661 --> 00:17:45,165
FINE. GO AHEAD.
STRIKE ME DOWN,
377
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,834
BUT THERE
ARE MANY MORE LIKE ME
378
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:48,301
WHO WILL STAND UP TO YOU.
379
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:51,839
WHO WILL PICK UP
THE BURNING TORCH
OF FREEDOM
380
00:17:51,872 --> 00:17:54,341
AND HOLD IT HIGH
IN MY PLACE.
381
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,809
AND IT'S NOT A QUESTION
382
00:17:55,843 --> 00:18:00,513
OF IF OR WHEN SOMEONE
PICKS UP THAT TORCH.
383
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:04,151
IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO.
384
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,456
I WILL.
385
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,228
I WILL...
386
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,530
PICK UP THAT TORCH.
387
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,900
SALLY, ARE YOU WITH US?
388
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,735
I WILL...
389
00:18:21,769 --> 00:18:26,173
KILL YOU BOTH
IN YOUR SLEEP!
390
00:18:35,015 --> 00:18:36,116
DICK, ARE YOU
IN HERE?
391
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:41,454
YES. QUILTED IN DARKNESS,
LIKE A TINY SNOW BEAVER
392
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:44,858
ON THE PLAINS
OF SASKATCHEWAN.
393
00:18:44,892 --> 00:18:47,327
WHAT'S WRONG?
394
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:52,165
THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU, MARY.
395
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,300
OH, DICK,
WHATEVER IT IS,
396
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,334
WHATEVER
YOU'VE DONE,
397
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,436
YOU KNOW
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
398
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,172
I'M A...
399
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,640
I'M A CANADIAN.
400
00:19:00,674 --> 00:19:01,574
WHAT?!
401
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,609
A CANADIAN.
402
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,112
WHY WERE YOU AFRAID
TO TELL ME THIS?
403
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,780
BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED.
404
00:19:06,814 --> 00:19:09,750
SOMEONE WITH YOUR LINEAGE
WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY CONSORT
405
00:19:09,783 --> 00:19:16,156
WITH SOMEONE WHOSE MONEY
IS 65 CENTS TO YOUR DOLLAR
ON A VERY GOOD DAY.
406
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,858
DO YOU HATE ME NOW, MARY?
407
00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:21,394
NO, I STILL LOVE YOU.
408
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:22,696
YOU DO?
409
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:23,530
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
410
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,132
I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL
A LITTLE BETTER.
411
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:29,102
THIS EXPLAINS ALMOST
ALL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.
412
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:33,506
I WANTED SO BADLY
TO BE YOUR
AMERICAN BOYFRIEND.
413
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,175
I EVEN TOOK
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST,
414
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,746
BUT IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED
THAN I THOUGHT.
415
00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:43,383
DICK, WE AMERICANS
HAVE A RICH
AND STORIED HISTORY.
416
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:46,720
IT TAKES TIME
AND PERSEVERANCE
TO LEARN IT ALL.
417
00:19:46,754 --> 00:19:49,122
YOU WOULD HAVE
ACED THAT TEST.
418
00:19:49,156 --> 00:19:52,225
YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN
WHO ELECTS THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
419
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,961
OF COURSE I WOULD
HAVE, DARLING,
420
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,363
IT'S THE PEOPLE.
421
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,199
NO, IT--IT'S
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
422
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:02,502
WAIT, WHAT, NO--
YES! THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE!
423
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,271
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OH, YES, I DID.
424
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:05,572
THEN TELL ME
WHO BECOMES PRESIDENT
425
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,475
IF THE PRESIDENT
AND VICE PRESIDENT
BOTH DIE.
426
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,177
SECRETARY OF STATE.
427
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,979
WRONG! SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!
428
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:14,782
SWING AND A MISS!
STRIKE 2, YANKEE!
429
00:20:14,815 --> 00:20:16,984
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING
ME ON TRIAL?
430
00:20:17,017 --> 00:20:18,085
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
THROUGH HELL
431
00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:20,220
TRYING TO PROVE
THAT I'M WORTHY TO BE HERE,
432
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,555
WHILE YOU,
A GREAT AMERICAN,
433
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,324
A DESCENDENT
OF BOAT PEOPLE,
434
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:27,194
YOU KNOW JUST AS LITTLE
ABOUT AMERICA AS I DO.
435
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,295
I KNOW PLENTY.
436
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,930
NO, YOU DON'T.
NEITHER DO I.
437
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:33,033
WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
438
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:36,703
I LOVE YOU,
YOU BEAUTIFUL
AMERICAN IDIOT.
439
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,672
GO TO HELL, YOU BIG,
DUMB CANUCK!
440
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,375
NO!
441
00:20:44,845 --> 00:20:47,848
YOU KNOW, AMERICA
IS SUCH AN ENIGMA.
442
00:20:47,881 --> 00:20:48,715
IF YOU'RE NOT BORN HERE,
443
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,717
YOU HAVE TO TAKE
A TEST TO LIVE HERE,
444
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,752
BUT MOST OF THE PEOPLE
WHO WERE BORN HERE
445
00:20:52,786 --> 00:20:56,156
WOULD FAIL THAT TEST
AS MISERABLY AS I DID.
446
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:59,026
SO THEN,
MAYBE TO BE
TRULY AMERICAN,
447
00:20:59,059 --> 00:21:01,494
IS TO BE IGNORANT
OF AMERICA
448
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:04,497
AND TO TAKE IT
FOR GRANTED
AT EVERY JUNCTURE.
449
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,333
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,
450
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,368
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
451
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:10,537
THE GREATEST AMERICANS
IN THIS COUNTRY
452
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:13,206
ARE SITTING
ON THIS ROOFTOP.
453
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,242
AIN'T YOU PROUD,
HARRY?
454
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:19,312
* AND THE ROCKET'S
RED GLARE *
455
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:19,412
* THE BOMBS
BURSTING IN AIR *
31654
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