All language subtitles for 3rd.Rock.from.the.Sun.S05E05.Dick.and.Tuck.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-SiGMA

[music playing]

[laughs]

What's so funny?

Look at the cover of
this ridiculous magazine.

Harrison Ford?

Ooh, let me see that.

They're calling this ugly
nerd the sexiest man on earth.

[laughing]

Well he is.

Oh, wait a minute, you
actually think he's sexy?

I wouldn't kick
him out of bed.

[laughing]

I would.

He's got to go out and work,
and support me and the kids.

Oh, come on.

I'm sexier than he is.

Absolutely.

[laughing]

Excuse me.

[laughing]

Well, at least you think
I'm sexier than he is, Mary.

Huh, Don't you?

Oh, come on, Dick.

You're sexy, but you're
no Harrison Ford.

I am too, Harrison Ford.

Oh, Dick.

Well I am.

I have to get to class.

How can you
possibly say Harrison

Ford is sexier than I am?

I mean just because he's got
those incredible cheekbones

and that perfectly
chiseled jaw, and those

penetrating brown eyes that you
could almost lose yourself in--

[laughing]

--if you stare at
them long enough.

Ah.

[laughing]

But I love you.

See ya, Dick.

Oh, my god!

I'm hideous!

[laughing]

[theme music]

[laughing]

OK, fine.

Lights.

Any questions, comments, anyone?

About what, Dr. Solomon?

We've been sitting in
the dark for 10 minutes.

You haven't shown us a thing.

I've been showing you my face.

What do you people
think of my face?

Anyone?

How about you, Bug?

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Um, your what?

My face.

My face-- do you
find it appealing

in an incredibly
handsome, sexiest man

on earth, sort of way?

You're sort of not my type.

How about you, Pitman--
do you find me attractive?

I'm sorry, Dr. Solomon.

The last time I answered
that question in school,

one thing led to
another, and then

my biology teacher wound up
asking me to kill her husband.

Leon, you'll give
me a straight answer.

Me?

Well, Dr. Solomon, I've
always found high cheekbones

to be very attractive.

Like mine?

Actually, more like Pitman's.

What?

But what about me?

Dr. Solomon, looks
are very subjective.

Is that your subtle way of
telling me that you think I'm

hot.

No.

Oh, yeah, well you're
not so pretty yourself.

[laughing]

Kids say the darndest things.

Why do people like this show?

Because it's so cute.

Cute?

They're just saying dopey things
because they don't know better.

That's true.

I'm gonna go make a tinkle.

[laughing]

Hey, Dick.

What's with the long face?

Look, that's just
the way it's shaped.

I can't help it, OK?

Whoa.

What's yanking your ponytail?

I just don't get it.

Harrison Ford and I have all
the same parts-- two eyes,

two ears, a nose, and a mouth.

How come they look so
much better on him?

Well you know, you could
always do a little snip,

snip job.

If you're suggesting
that I kidnap someone,

cut off his face, and glue
it onto my own-- don't.

Because that never looks
as good as it should.

I was talking about
plastic surgery.

Huh?

Yeah, you know, 10 years
ago I had my boobs done.

You did?

Reduced three sizes.

Plastic surgery.

Of course.

Why should I have to walk
around looking like a drab lump

of clay, when I can pay
someone to chisel me

into a perfect human sculpture.

You're not going to get
your boobs done are you?

I just might.

This is so unfair.

If everyone could just
pay to be good looking,

totally cheapens
things for those of us

who are naturally exquisite.

Natural?

There's nothing
natural about you,

you picked your body
out of a catalog.

Mine came with
a free tote bag.

[laughing]

Hey, look, little hand's
picking Dick's nose.

Hey, now come on.

Now cut it out.

[catcalling]

I'm sorry I had to step out.

I was in the middle
of a tattoo removal.

Apparently, this gentleman
has stopped loving his mom.

OK.

Now, let's see what we
can do with your face.

Can I see how I'd
look with a bigger chin?

Of course.

But with a bigger chin, I'd
need a bigger nose, right?

Well-- OK.

Why stop there?

Make my ears bigger.

No.

Bigger.

Even bigger.

More like an elephant.
Bigger!

Bigger!
- Dick!

Dick!
Dick!

Dick!
Dick, shh, calm down.

Sit down.

Sorry, doctor.

He's just a little over
excited about the idea

of looking better.

Ha!

Well, he should be,
and so should you.

I'm not getting anything done.

You're not?

Well, I'm sorry, I
thought you were.

That's ridiculous.

Have you seen me?

I don't need anything done.

I could make you look a
little less tired, that's all.

Less tired?

Wouldn't take much.

I look tired?

Hey doc?

What can you do for me?

Oh my god.

The symmetry of those
cheekbones, that chin,

that aquiline nose.

Stop.

It tickles.

Surgically speaking,
this man is perfect.

What?

But look at him-- his eyes
don't even open all the way.

You know something?

You and I, we could be brothers.

[music playing]

Would you look at this?

I think I found the
perfect earlobe.

Is that a beaut?

Is that a David Duchovny?

No, it's a Regis Philbin.

Really?

Nice lobes, Reg.

I don't know about this
plastic surgery stuff, Dick.

I heard about a woman
who had a face lift once.

They pulled her skin so tight
that she couldn't blink.

One morning, her eyes dried up
and fell into her Raisin Bran.

She gobbled them right
down with the flakes.

So she could
like, watch herself

eating her own eyeballs?

What a horrible true story.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, we're looking for
perfect facial features,

so Dick can show the doctor
what he wants to look like.

It just so happens
that all the magazines

that came out this month
have beautiful people

on their covers.

Talk about a coincidence.

[music playing]

Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, he's here again.

Hello, there.

I never noticed how
handsome your uncle is.

Yeah, we know.

Hey.

Oh, good morning, Sally.

Morning.

How'd you sleep?

Why?

Do I look tired?

No.

Then why are you
asking me how I slept?

Because it's morning.

Because I look exhausted.

Because you just woke up.

Maybe you should go.

But, Sally, I--

Please go.

Sally, I'm sorry about
that whole sleep thing.

I was out of line.

[music playing]

Nina?

I just want you to know
that after my surgery,

I'm going to be
devastatingly handsome.

It's going to be very
difficult for you

to keep your hands off me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but no matter
how gorgeous I look,

it will still be me
underneath, and I'm

still not attracted to you.

And I just want you
to know that if you

never came out of anesthesia,
that that would be OK with me.

Thank you.

That is so sweet.

You're actually
getting plastic surgery?

Yes, Mary.

Yeah, I've been thinking
about this long and hard.

Well, not long, but hard.

Not even hard.

But, why?

Two words, Mary--

you.

Me?

Oh, come on, don't play dumb.

You're the one who
said you wished

I looked like Harrison Ford.

I never said that.

Oh, please.

If Harrison Ford and I were
both standing in this room right

now professing our undying love
to you, who would you choose?

- Oh, don't be silly.
- Who?

Is he divorced?

You see!

Oh, Dick, this is the
face I fell in love with.

This is the face I'm
still in love with.

Do you mean it?

I do.

Yeah, nice try, Albright.

[laughing]

All right, Dick, you ready?

Good.

Here we go.

[music playing]

[gasps]

Good work, Tommy.

That's exactly how
I want you to remove

the gauze after my surgery.

Wait a minute.

You're really going
to stop with the face?

What do you mean?

- Take off the robe.
- What?

Take it off!

What is that?

What?

Well, first of all, this whole
area needs to be sucked out.

You think?

Who's the handsomest guy here?

You.

All right.

And, uh, let's not forget
about the pectoral implants.

Yeah.

Now, should we go in, uh,
maybe through the armpits,

or the nipples?

I'd remove the nipples.

What?

Remove them completely?
- In a second.

Yeah.

But then, I'd sew
them back on, up here.

- That's not a little high?
- No.

No.

They'll extend the torso,
and make the whole package

appear leaner.

I see.

Well, if you're
going to do that,

might as well put them up here.

- On the shoulders?
- Why not?

I like it.

That's good.

And let's remove a
couple ribs, shall we?

I hate my ribs.

Oh, and, uh--
right about here.

What's that for?

That's for later.

Unbelievable.

Look at all these magazines.

Everything revolves around
the beautiful people.

They have it all.

I mean, how are the rest
of us supposed to compete?

Well you got a big hunk
of celery in your teeth,

and that won't help.

Thanks.

Look at this-- every beautiful
woman is with a beautiful guy.

Yeah, we do tend to
gravitate to our own kind.

Man, how did a gorgeous
guy, like Don, end up

with a double bagger, like me?

It's a brainteaser.

It's wrong.

It is wrong, Harry.

I mean, this-- this is the
life Don should be living.

He should be the dude with
the hot babe on his shoulders.

And he should be on the jet
ski with a menthol cigarette

in his mouth.

But he's not, because
I'm dragging him down.

I'm dragging my
beautiful Donny down.

You know, I didn't want to say
anything, but you totally are.

Thanks, Harry.

Now I know what to do.

All right.

We'll see you later.

Well, Hello.

[laughing]

Dick, we'll be ready
for you in a few minutes.

Are you nervous?

Well, a little.

Don't be.

Plastic surgery is going
to improve your life.

It did mine.

You had plastic surgery?

Oh, no, but it
did buy me a yacht.

Well old face, this is the
last time I'll be seeing you.

I'd say goodbye, but good
riddance is more like it.

Look at his
forehead, all mottled

and wrinkled from years
of tortured thoughts,

and gentle ruminations.

I'm certainly not
going to miss that.

Or this chin, for that matter,
all scratched and scarred

from shaving in a rush so often,
trying to get to work on time,

or to Mary's house to
pick her up for a date.

I remember this one.

I was rushing off to
take her on a picnic.

It started to rain, so
we had to eat wet tuna

sandwiches in an outhouse.

That was so nice.

So good bye old chin.

You'll be facing the laser soon.

And goodbye to you, old nose.

And take care, old ears.

And you too, old lips.

Take care of yourselves, eyes.

Oh, my god.

What am I doing?

All right, Dick,
we're ready for you now.

Well, we're not ready for you.

What?

I'm not going to
change his face.

This face is a scrapbook
dedicated to who I am.

Dammit!

And by god, I am gorgeous!

No, you're not.

Screw you!

[music playing]

Don.

Hey, Sally.

Can I talk to
you for a second?

Sure, what's going on?

I think you know.

I think you've known
for a long time.

I really don't.

Come on, Don, stop pretending.

I mean, you and I both know
that a relationship cannot last

when one of the
people looks like me,

and the other looks like you.

Dammit!

I knew one day, you'd wake up
and realize what was going on.

Don't kick yourself, Donny.

We gave it our best shot.

I thought we were
beyond looks, Sally.

Come on, Don.

Look at you.

How could we get beyond that?

Yeah, I guess so.

Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate your kindness.

Not many men would hang in
there with a gal as unattractive

as me.

What?

Don't make me spell
it out for you, Don.

I know I'm as ugly as they come.

I don't even know how you
could stand to look at me.

Well, Sally, I'm not
going to lie to you--

it's been hard.

It's been a real struggle.

And granted we'll continue
to get stares out in public,

but that's a price I'm willing
to pay, because I love you.

Oh.

Oh, Donny!

Thank you.

Well Mary, what do you think?

You didn't get anything done.

No.

Look Mary, I know
how much you wanted

me to have that surgery--

I didn't want you--

No, no, no.

But when I got in there, I
realized this face, is my face.

It's like a museum of my life,
especially my life with you.

So if you've grown tired of
this dusty, drafty, old museum,

maybe you should just
go to the Guggenheim.

Dick, I know what
you're going through.

I've been there myself.

You have?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, a few years ago

I was thinking about having
some work done on my nose.

Your nose?

Yes, I thought if it was
just a little longer, maybe--

But I love your nose.

You do?

The way it scrunches
up when you smile.

It really does?

And those ears--

I love it when you
let me nibble on them.

I kinda like that too.

And those eyes are two clear,
blue windows into the deepest

soul I've ever known.

Oh, Dick.

Oh, Mary.

Sorry about the lights, my
coffee maker blew a circuit.

I'm going to check the breaker.

[laughing]

My god, you're beautiful.

So are you.

Yeah, I know.

[music playing]

You know, they say that beauty
is in the eye of the beholder,

when in reality, it's in
the eye of the beholdee.

Well, what are you saying?

If I think I'm
attractive, I actually am?

No, Tommy.

Not you, me.

Not you.

You know what I realized?

It's not important
what you look like.

What's important is who
you are on the inside.

[laughing]

That's hilarious.

- Where'd you hear that one?
- Leno?

No, no.
I made it up myself, I swear.

You should write for Leno.

I know.

Well, I for one am
tired of being handsome.

You know all people
see when they look

at me is a pretty face,
and then they end up

treating me like I'm an idiot.

You are an idiot.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

Forget it.

I'm not going to be
handsome anymore.

You can't just stop
being handsome, Harry.

Oh no?

[laughing]

[music playing]