Original subtitles

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Your left from your right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm-a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[♪♪♪]

JAZMINE: He knows when you been sleeping!

MAN: All right. WOMAN: Amen.

JAZMINE: He knows when you're awake!

He knows if you've been bad or good,

so be good for what?

PEOPLE: Goodness sake.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Think about that.

Be good for goodness sake.

Yes.

Whose sake?

CHOIR: Goodness sake.

MAN 2: Speak, sister, speak!

♪ It's time to take the ho's ♪

♪ Out the music videos ♪

And put 'em in your mouth.

Somebody say "ho, ho, ho."

ALL: Ho, ho, ho!

Nowadays, people think "ho, ho, ho,"

means the Hilton sisters...

standing next to Nicole Richie.

Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho."

Somebody give me the real "ho, ho, ho," out there.

ALL: Ho, ho, ho!

Praise Santa!

FedEx, UPS.

They can ship the package.

♪ But wait a minute ♪

MAN: Hold on!

I know a man with a different kind

of guaranteed overnight delivery.

He's got his own overnight express.

Forget Airborne Express.

I'll take the reindeer express.

'Cause it's free shipping on Christmas Eve.

Somebody say...

ALL: Ho, ho, ho!

Praise Santa.

CHOIR: ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

[GASPS]

Praise Santa.

["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, from the North Pole,

may we present Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas, kids. [ALL CHEERING]

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Ho, ho, ho.

GIRL: Santa!

SANTA: What a jolly day.

[SLURPING]

GIRL 2: I love you, Santa!

Hi, Santa!

Hey, Merry Christ-- [LAUGHING]

[YELLS]

ALL: Santa!

Yeah, I got your ass, Santa!

[GROANS]

RILEY: I'm comin' for that ass!

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

Punk yo ass!

Uh-oh.

GIRL 2: He's killing him!

What the fuck?

You all just gonna stand there and watch me get my ass kicked?

Nobody had my back, huh?

Nobody's got Santa's back? Ain't this a bitch.

That's fucked up with y'all.

GIRL 2: Santa said the F-word!

WOMAN: Even Santa gets angry sometimes.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: And the sixth day of Kwanzaa is Kuji--

Ku-- Uh, uh-- Ku--

Wow, this is really complicated.

The sixth day is...

Er, uh... Kuumba.

Kuuuuumbaaaa.

HUEY: Harold Kennedy Uberwitz was my history teacher.

He was culturally sensitive.

And on Kuumbay-- Uh, Kuumba--

Uh, the elder-- Okay, that would be me.

--leads everyone in the Harambee salute.

[YAWNING] And that goes like:

Harambee!

Okay, great.

So who wants to join me in the Harambee salute?

Anyone? Huey?

[SIGHS]

You sure?

It's Kwanzaa.

Okay, no problem. Here we go.

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

Harambee!

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

HUEY: You want me to direct the Christmas play?

UBERWITZ: Absolutely. I-I think you'll do a fantastic job.

First of all, I don't give a damn about Christmas.

You don't have to do a traditional Christmas play.

No, you can do whatever you want.

You'll be fired.

Fired? For what?

For being an irresponsible white person.

I would really love to see your vision.

Vision? What do you know about my vision?

My vision would turn your world upside-down,

tear asunder your illusions,

and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance

crashing down around you.

Now, ask yourself:

Are you really ready to see that vision?

We'll give you complete creative control.

I want it in writing.

WOMAN [OVER TV]: And suddenly, there was with the angel--

GRANDDAD: A multitude of the heavenly host, praising God,

and saying, "Glory to God in the highest and on Earth,

peace, goodwill toward men."

[SOBBING]

And that's what Christmas is all about.

Mm-hm.

You hear that, boy?

That's what Christmas is all about.

Actually, Granddad, Christmas is a pagan holiday.

And Jesus probably hates you for celebrating it.

There ain't gonna be no Scrooges in this house, boy!

Look, Granddad, it's clear from the scripture

that Jesus was not born in winter.

The shepherds, who saw the angels announcing his birth,

would not have been out in their fields in December.

The Palestinian winters are too cold.

If you believe in that sort of thing.

The truth is, Christmas evolved

from the Roman holiday Saturnalia,

a winter festival where men gave gifts to each other.

They also would get drunk,

have sex with each other and beat their wives.

People would act so crazy on Christmas,

the holiday was outlawed by the Protestant church

until the 1800s.

As a matter of fact, the United States Congress...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Granddad? Granddad!

I'm sorry, boy. Wh-wh-what was that?

I just explained the entire history of Christmas.

But it was booooring, Huey.

You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex. Blah, blah, Congress."

You know, you gotta be interesting.

You're gonna talk me to death. Talk, talk, talk.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

HUEY: And that's when it hit me.

The world needed to see my vision.

But I needed to dress it up first.

It needed scale and drama and special effects.

What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter to Santa.

"Dear Santa.

You are a bitch nigga--"

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up, hold up.

"Dear Santa.

"You are a bitch ass nigga.

"I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you.

"That's a bitch move, Santa.

"I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe.

"Sincerely yours,

the Santa Stalker."

JAZMINE: I think you should do a play

about what Christmas is really about.

Christmas is about how Santa died for our gifts

and rose from the dead and moved to the North Pole.

And because of that, every year,

Santa comes down to forgive us our sins

and give us eternal presents.

Man, Santa these nuts!

Where was Santa when we was in the 'hood, huh?

Santa ain't show a nigga no love back then.

I didn't ask for much. Just rims. Not even a whole car.

And what did we get? Nothin'.

That nigga gonna pay what he owe.

[♪♪♪]

Merry Christmas, Mr. Uberwitz.

Are you here to see Mr. Freeman?

Uh...

yeah.

One second. Mr. Uberwitz is here.

Okay. He's just finishing up another meeting.

You can have a seat in the hallway.

Can I get you anything?

Some water?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Huey?

Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz. This is Quincy Jones.

I've asked him to come in and co-produce.

How are you, man?

I-I-I'm good. How do--? How do you know Huey?

Oh, me and Huey go way back.

And by the way,

I hope you're not gonna be getting strange

with the change on the music budget.

Music budget?

[ROWDY HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

What the--?

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

ALL: Hey!

Have y'all lost your damn minds?

Opening night is less than two weeks away,

and y'all wanna party?

We're just having some fun.

Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?

BOY: No.

Do I look like Charlie Brown?

You know what? All y'all are fired!

What? Fired?

Did I stutter? Beat it!

UBERWITZ: Huey--

But i-it... It's the entire cast.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Contract.

I'm...sorry, guys.

GIRL: I can't believe it.

Hey, don't be lookin' at me.

Don't look at Quincy Jones.

Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you.

Get your asses out. Now!

Is there any money in the budget for a casting director?

[♪♪♪]

That's right, Bob.

A little bit of the Christmas spirit

is returning to Woodcrest,

as Santa Claus makes his first appearance

since being assaulted by the unknown,

but probably Arab, Santa Stalker, one week ago.

And you're gonna protect me, right?

Now, don't you worry about a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir.

I got you covered.

RUCKUS: Now, I know I'm a very large man,

but I'm a picture of athleticism.

Well, hello there.

And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

I want a--

Uh, Santa, you got a red dot on your head.

[♪♪♪]

Nooooooooo!

Ow! Goddamn!

That had to pierce a spleen or somethin'.

[WOMAN SCREAMS] MAN: God! Medic! Medic!

Merry Christmas, nigga!

[GASPS]

Aah! Santa, why?

GIRL: You ruined my childhood!

[GRUNTS]

You gonna pay what you owe, Santa!

You gonna pay what you owe!

RILEY: Running like a bitch.

[PISTOL POPPING, PEOPLE YELLING]

[BELLS JINGLING]

[PANTING] Backup. I need backup.

I'm fat. I can't run very fast.

I think I'm having a heart attack

and a couple of light strokes.

Merry Christmas, nigga.

[CLICKING]

Damn.

[BEETHOVEN'S "FUR ELISE" PLAYING]

[MURMURING]

HUEY: Okay, now...

for the role of the third wise man,

we have Mr. Fogelbury or Denzel Washington.

I say, Denzel.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, and for the role of Mary,

we have third-grade science teacher,

Mrs. Peterson or Angela Bassett.

Well, Mrs. Peterson gave a serious read.

Yeah, she sure did.

But I say, Angela Bassett.

Yeah, me too.

Guys, how do we afford

Denzel Washington and Angela Bassett?

I don't know.

Have we gotten word yet on Will Smith's availability?

W-whoa, whoa, whoa. we can't afford Will Smith.

Damn the budget!

What we're doing is more important than money.

We will change Christmas

and elementary-school theater forever.

But we don't have the money.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Contract.

["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYING]

JAZMINE: Oh, Huey.

You've got a lunch meeting at 11:30

about the sound effects for the dogfight sequence.

Cancel it.

The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play

since you fired all the kids.

[YAWNS]

Don't care.

And the principal's in your office

to talk about the script.

Who?

First of all,

I just wanted you to know we're thrilled with the script.

Absolutely fantastic.

Brilliant.

Wouldn't change a thing.

We just had a couple of notes.

One or two.

Nothing significant.

PRINCIPAL: Let's see, uh, there's a typo

on page five.

Uh, there's a continuity problem on page 32.

I think that scene's supposed to be at night.

Um, let's see, um-- Oh, yeah, um, and, uh--

Jesus can't be black.

What do you mean he can't be black?

He can't be black.

Maybe we can make Jesus another color.

How 'bout white?

But Jesus was black.

We could probably do Italian.

Jesus was Middle Eastern.

In addition to Arabs,

the Middle East has always had many people of African descent,

whom you would consider black.

Sorry, can't do it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, right. That.

[CHIMES JINGLING]

Best of luck.

Break a leg.

I can't wait for opening night.

[♪♪♪]

Riley? Jazmine.

Riley, you came to see Santa.

Shh!

MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, from the North Pole,

the reeeeal Santa Claus!

[ALL CHEERING]

[CHEERING STOPS]

What the hell?

Hey, there, pretty little white children.

Now, look at all them precious little vanilla-colored faces.

I heard this was the only guy they could find to do it.

Now, I know y'all think old Santa Claus

look a little bit darker than he used to.

Ho, ho!

But see, that's just 'cause Santa Claus

got a little bit of re-vitiligo.

See, that's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.

Don't worry, no Jesus juice up here.

Come on, let's get this show on the road.

That's not Santa!

Okay, who's first?

[ALL CLAMORING]

That's not Santa. It's an impostor!

Beware of the false Santa!

Kids, kids, calm down.

Accompanying parents, calm down as well.

I am the real Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho. Look at my belly shake.

The heartbreaker re-vitiligo

is a very serious life-threatening condition.

["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]

Hey, I've been in show business a long time, Huey.

This kind of thing comes with the territory.

I know you'll do the right thing.

UBERWITZ: Huey, it could still be a great play.

We could cut a few scenes. Make some changes to the script.

[SIGHS] Huey.

We have to put something on.

Do what you have to do.

Just take my name off of it.

Won't be my vision.

Hello.

Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved.

We'll be ready to put the play on tomorrow.

Why doesn't the real Santa come?

'Cause there ain't no real Santa.

HUEY: We all want to believe in miracles on Christmas.

[SOBBING]

All of us.

[CHIMES JINGLING]

RUCKUS: No Santa Claus?

Well, I'd expect a heathen nigglet like Riley

to say something like that.

But, Jazmine, I'm surprised at you.

Being a mulatto and all,

you've supposed to have more sense.

Huh?

I'm Special Agent Ruckus.

Shh!

Volunteer Santa Security.

Santa has reason to believe

that your little jungle friend Riley

may be the Santa Stalker.

That makes perfect sense.

Mm-hm. Santa couldn't come this year.

Just wasn't safe.

Maybe next year.

So...he's real?

Real as the Irish blood charging through my veins.

HUEY: But Christmas miracles only happen

in the lies adults tell to children.

And maybe in Christmas specials.

Mr. Uberwitz put on the play as scheduled.

Not a single word was changed.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SOBBING]

[APPLAUSE]

And so, by some miracle,

the world saw my vision that night.

The Adventures of Black Jesus

received a 20-minute standing ovation.

It was called "a stunning revolution in theatre"

by the Woodcrest Post Gazette.

Unfortunately, the PTA protest had gained some ground.

Seems that people didn't care about my vision.

They cared about seeing their kids on stage.

Who knew?

JAZMINE: Yay, Huey!

Yay!

[BOTH SNORING]

Mr. Uberwitz was fired for disobeying orders

and for generally being an irresponsible white person.

UBERWITZ: Harambee!

ALL: Harambee!

Harambee!

ALL: Harambee!

HUEY: █ He would later become a professor

of African American Studies at the University of Maryland.

[APPLAUSE]

No video exists of the one-time-only performance

of The Adventures of Black Jesus.

Just as well. I hate looking at my old work.

["JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING]

Ahhh!

I heard you work for Santa.

I got a message for him.

Tell him Riley said,

I'll be waiting for his ass next Christmas.

And that nigga better pay what he owe!

Ow!

[♪♪♪]