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Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
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00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,534
Kelly, breakfast!
21
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,067
And be quiet, honey!
22
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,801
Don't wake your father!
23
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,968
Oh, Bud, you eat so fast.
24
00:01:47,968 --> 00:01:51,133
That's because
you cook so good.
25
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,601
Bye, Mom.
26
00:01:52,601 --> 00:01:54,901
Not so fast.
You're not going anywhere
27
00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:56,567
without a good,
healthy breakfast.
28
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,133
Mother, I'm 15.
I'm old enough
29
00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:00,868
to know how to use
a vending machine.
30
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:02,667
Get over here
and eat.
31
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:05,601
God, I hate
to eat sitting down.
32
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:09,334
I think she should
clean her plate like I did.
33
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:10,434
Sure, Mom.
34
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:17,434
I'm stuffed.
35
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:19,968
They're waiting for me
at the mall.
36
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:21,634
What do you do
at the mall, anyway?
37
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:22,801
Nothing.
38
00:02:22,801 --> 00:02:25,400
You know
what they do?
39
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,968
Sometimes they look
in the shoe store...
40
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:30,100
and laugh at Daddy.
41
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,968
Well, all the kids do.
42
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:36,801
It's not like
they know he's my father.
43
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:38,234
And they never will,
44
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:41,767
if you want to live
to hang your next rat.
45
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:44,801
I'd ground
both of you,
46
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:48,000
but then that would mean
you'd be here all day.
47
00:02:50,234 --> 00:02:53,100
So, your punishment is
you're grounded tomorrow
48
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:56,067
when your father's home,
and I'm out shopping.
49
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:58,534
Can I go now?
50
00:02:58,534 --> 00:02:59,634
Please.
51
00:02:59,634 --> 00:03:01,701
Where's my miniature
golf coupon?
52
00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:03,167
It's in the drawer.
53
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:08,767
What's this
with the fake engraving?
54
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,267
Oh, that's
the invitation
55
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,267
to your cousin
Harriet's wedding.
56
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,267
Oh, puke.
57
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:14,534
Harriet.
58
00:03:14,534 --> 00:03:17,267
You don't
have to go.
59
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:21,267
The thing is, your father and I
have to go out of town for it.
60
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,133
Bud, who can you stay with?
61
00:03:23,133 --> 00:03:26,434
I'm not allowed
in anybody's house.
62
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:29,300
Well, we'll
find someone.
63
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,100
[AL COUGHS LOUDLY]
64
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,601
Daddy's up.
65
00:03:33,601 --> 00:03:35,601
Well, we'll
see you later.
66
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:36,934
Okay. Be home by 6.
67
00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,567
Oh, and Bud,
don't bite anyone.
68
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,567
And Kelly, don't
get anything pierced.
69
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:41,501
Yeah, Mom.
70
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,467
Morning.
71
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:56,734
Coffee.
72
00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:57,934
In the pot.
73
00:03:57,934 --> 00:04:02,100
Boy, I love it when you
get up before I do,
74
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,100
and I got the bed
all to myself.
75
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:07,234
Gee, you'd never know it,
76
00:04:07,234 --> 00:04:11,868
the way you put your foot
on my behind and push.
77
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:13,267
Here's your
breakfast, honey.
78
00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:16,033
Mmm. Oh, just
how I like them.
79
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:21,534
Ah, you dirty,
shiftless bag of--
80
00:04:21,534 --> 00:04:24,501
Al, don't feed that
to the dog.
81
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:27,200
The cholesterol
is very bad for him.
82
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:33,300
Bacon?
83
00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:36,868
Boy,
I hate Saturdays.
84
00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:41,000
Damn kids come to the mall
and make fun of me.
85
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,100
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be nice
86
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,033
if we could go off together,
just the two of us?
87
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:48,601
Not really.
88
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:53,234
You know where
I'd really like to go?
89
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:54,234
Where?
90
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,400
Milwaukee.
91
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,167
I smell your family
coming on.
92
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,734
What's up, Peg,
Beer Fest '87?
93
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,200
Is it time
for your mother
94
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,534
to defend her
keg-sucking crown?
95
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,968
Is she moving up
96
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:11,167
into the heavyweight division
this year?
97
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,400
Can't stand
that a woman won, huh?
98
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,234
Hey, there were
a lot of people there
99
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:18,267
demanding
chromosome tests.
100
00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:20,234
Just you and Dad.
101
00:05:20,234 --> 00:05:22,200
I don't care, Peg.
102
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,234
I'm not going to one
of your family gatherings.
103
00:05:24,234 --> 00:05:25,767
It's not a gathering,
it's a wedding.
104
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,267
Who's getting married?
105
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:28,267
Harriet.
106
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,434
Harriet?
107
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:31,734
You mean someone
answered the ad?
108
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,767
Some people
will do anything
109
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,501
to keep
from being deported.
110
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:39,801
Hey, Jose
is a very nice man,
111
00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:43,300
and his English
is coming along just fine.
112
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,634
Me habla not going.
113
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:48,400
Al, we have to go.
114
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,734
The whole family
is coming.
115
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,234
Oh, really. How about Elmo,
the human surprise?
116
00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,234
Are they bringing him?
117
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:57,200
You know, he makes
a very good living.
118
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,868
Well, they won't have his cage
at the wedding, Peg.
119
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,334
Well, you have to admit,
120
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:03,200
there's one good thing
about my family.
121
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,033
They gave you me.
122
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:07,334
Getting me sentimental
ain't gonna work with me, Peg.
123
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:08,934
Now, you send Harriet
a card,
124
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:11,100
you give Jose a copy of
the Pledge of Allegiance,
125
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,133
but I'm not going.
126
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,567
Yes, you are.
127
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,000
No, I'm not.
128
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,567
Oh, yes, you are, and you cannot
walk out on this argument.
129
00:06:18,567 --> 00:06:19,634
Watch me.
130
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:20,901
Fine, but when you come home,
131
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:22,300
we're picking up
where we left off.
132
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,300
That's fine.
Then I'm not coming home.
133
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,300
Eh, you'll
be coming home,
134
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:34,267
and Mr. and Mrs. Bundy
will be attending.
135
00:06:34,267 --> 00:06:39,267
* You're once, twice
Three times a lady **
136
00:06:39,267 --> 00:06:40,868
See, I told you.
137
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,267
You can dance
in these shoes.
138
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:45,767
Well, I'll take them.
139
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,200
Luke, what
are you doing?
140
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,801
Selling shoes, man.
141
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:56,634
You work on commission,
you go the extra mile,
142
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:58,834
And that, my friend,
is the extra mile.
143
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:05,200
Thank you.
144
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,701
My pleasure.
145
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:10,300
Oh, your son
is very nice.
146
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,200
Yeah, she must have been
something 1,500 years ago.
147
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:20,334
Get away from me, Luke.
148
00:07:20,334 --> 00:07:22,467
Hey, Al. You know,
149
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,801
there's something
I've learned over the years,
150
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:27,868
Whenever someone yells at me,
it's not me.
151
00:07:27,868 --> 00:07:29,234
How could it be?
152
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:30,267
So, what's wrong?
153
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:33,234
I had a fight
with my wife.
154
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,968
I knew it wasn't me.
155
00:07:34,968 --> 00:07:36,400
How bad was it?
156
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,601
Well, I got pretty mad.
So I laid down the law.
157
00:07:39,601 --> 00:07:41,801
I told her
I'm not coming home!
158
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:46,501
So, uh...where can I
get some flowers, cheap?
159
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:49,067
I thought you said
you weren't going home.
160
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,801
Let's face it. I've got
no choice. I have to.
161
00:07:51,801 --> 00:07:53,133
That's the trouble
162
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,300
when you're married
with children.
163
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,067
They know
you're coming home.
164
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,234
Al.
165
00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:01,234
What?
166
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:05,834
What do you think I should
have for lunch?
167
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,934
Hey, I'm pouring out
my heart here.
168
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:10,767
I'm sorry.
I thought you were done.
169
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:12,133
No, I'm not.
170
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:13,534
I'm not at all.
171
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,400
I gotta find
a place to stay.
172
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,400
I can't afford a hotel.
173
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,133
If I go home,
then I'm saying I'm sorry,
174
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,167
so I can't go home,
I gotta...
175
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,267
make her wonder,
make her...worry,
176
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:26,734
make her...miss me.
177
00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:29,868
Then I can go home,
so she can yell at me.
178
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,467
Where am I gonna stay?
179
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,267
Everybody comes
to the answer man.
180
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,334
The choice
is obvious, Al.
181
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:40,334
You set up a cot
in the stock room.
182
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:43,000
I'm staying
with you, Luke.
183
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,100
For free?
184
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,267
Yes.
185
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,033
You know, I haven't done
something like this
186
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,400
in a long time.
187
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,834
Yeah, kick back with a buddy
and a six-pack and be men.
188
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:53,601
You know, Luke, I...
189
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,767
This is really helping me out.
Thanks a lot.
190
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:59,267
Hey, the day Luke Ventura
can't help a friend,
191
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:02,701
that's the day he's got
something better to do.
192
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:10,534
MAN:
The divorce judgewill now render his verdict.
193
00:09:10,534 --> 00:09:14,000
JUDGE:
Mr. Gannon, your lovely brideof eight months
194
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,501
deserves far betterthan you.
195
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:20,100
I can't grant her that,but I can grant her...
196
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,033
93 percentof your net worth...
197
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:26,834
your Ferrariand your stocks.
198
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,801
And you, Mr. Gannon...
199
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:32,267
you get the children.
200
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:35,234
This court is adjourned.
201
00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:36,767
What a great show!
202
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,667
Oh, yeah. You know,
that's a real judge.
203
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,434
More coffee?
Okay.
204
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:44,200
Listen, Marce,
205
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,100
Al and I have to go out of town
to a wedding next week.
206
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,033
Do you think you
could watch the house?
207
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:51,234
Sure.
I love weddings.
208
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:52,934
Where are
they registered?
209
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:55,968
Department
of Immigration.
210
00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:57,100
How '80s.
211
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,167
Well, if you can't
find anything there,
212
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,300
we have a lot
of good gift catalogues.
213
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,267
Why don't you and Al
come over later?
214
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:05,634
Better yet,
come over without Al.
215
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,200
I'm afraid I'd have to.
216
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,868
He's mad at me
about the wedding.
217
00:10:08,868 --> 00:10:10,033
We had this big fight.
218
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:12,000
He was so cute.
219
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,100
He said
he wasn't coming home.
220
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,634
You don't
seem too concerned.
221
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:20,567
Marcie, this is Al.
222
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:21,868
I mean, where's
he gonna go?
223
00:10:21,868 --> 00:10:23,667
He might drive around
for a while
224
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:27,234
till he has to use
the bathroom and eat.
225
00:10:27,234 --> 00:10:29,701
Then he'll come
slinking back,
226
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,667
pretending
nothing happened,
227
00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:34,934
and we'll go to bed,
and nothing will happen.
228
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:39,067
Well, I'd be worried if Steve
threatened not to come home.
229
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:42,100
According to my book,
Man and Other Primates,
230
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,534
after a marital spat,
231
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:47,934
the man is most vulnerable
to outside stimuli.
232
00:10:47,934 --> 00:10:50,400
What does that mean?
233
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,534
There are a lot of man-hungry
barracudas out there.
234
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:54,834
The first little wink,
235
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,033
his shoes
will be under her bed.
236
00:10:57,033 --> 00:11:00,434
Well, that should
end it right there.
237
00:11:03,901 --> 00:11:07,167
Here it is,
home of the big boy.
238
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,434
I can't believe
you live in a building
239
00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:15,501
where all your neighbors
are stewardesses.
240
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:18,200
I used to live in a building
with a lot of married people.
241
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,334
Sure, the sex was great
during the day,
242
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,734
but it got lonely
at night.
243
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:26,100
Take a load off.
Sit down.
244
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,234
No TV?
245
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:30,534
It's in the bedroom
with the cameras.
246
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,667
You want a drink?
247
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:36,234
Yeah, uh...
got some scotch?
248
00:11:36,234 --> 00:11:38,133
I got everything.
249
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:43,067
One of the many benefits
of living in a stew zoo.
250
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:52,601
You want a deck of cards
or a barf bag or something?
251
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,033
Nah, I'm cool.
252
00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:57,534
Peggy must be
eating her heart out.
253
00:11:57,534 --> 00:11:59,167
If she could see me now.
254
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,067
What a night,
huh, buddy?
255
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:02,634
I'm gonna kind of
get comfortable.
256
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,133
You make yourself
at home, buddy.
257
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,100
Yeah.
258
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,868
Eat your heart out, Peg.
259
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:23,868
* By the time
I get to Phoenix *
260
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:27,200
* She'll be risin' *
261
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:32,701
* Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm her hair *
262
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
263
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,267
Hi.
Hi.
264
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,834
We're the Cherry
sisters.
265
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,501
Terry and Sherry
Cherry.
266
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:57,634
I'm, uh...
uh...
267
00:12:57,634 --> 00:13:00,601
Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.
268
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,400
Luke!
Luke!
269
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,868
Cherries!
270
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:11,534
We brought you this.
271
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:15,334
Our mother taught us never
to go anyplace empty-handed.
272
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,767
Or without a dime
for a phone call.
273
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:20,968
Oh, we didn't
bring anything for you.
274
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,033
Would you like our dime?
275
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,701
Aren't they sweet, Al?
276
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:29,400
Uh, Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.
277
00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:35,534
Ladies, I'd like you
to meet my friend,
278
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:37,667
Al "The King" Bundy.
279
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,667
LUKE:
Let's get
comfortable here.
280
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:40,901
Come on.
281
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:42,501
Ooh,
you redecorated.
282
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,067
Oh, I love it.
283
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,667
It's kind of
a Wild Kingdom feel.
284
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,033
I like it.
285
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,067
Luke, you know,
Sherry and I were just talking,
286
00:13:57,067 --> 00:14:00,801
and I really need
a man's opinion.
287
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,100
Okay.
Come sit on my lap.
288
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,267
Sure.
289
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:11,267
I don't know
what to do.
290
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,100
My boyfriend wants
to move in with me,
291
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,634
but he still wants
to see other people.
292
00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:17,033
Let me tell you something.
293
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:18,601
You don't let him move in
294
00:14:18,601 --> 00:14:20,634
unless he's willing
to make a commitment.
295
00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:21,801
Thanks, Luke.
296
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:24,801
So you wanna go
in the bedroom?
297
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:27,000
Sure, as long as I'm here.
298
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:32,267
Everyone comes
to the answer man.
299
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:41,400
* You're once, twice
Three times a lady *
300
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,634
* And I love... *
301
00:14:46,234 --> 00:14:48,167
* You **
302
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,033
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
303
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:07,501
So, what do you
do, Al?
304
00:15:07,501 --> 00:15:09,601
Oh, I'm a, I'm a...
305
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:11,534
You know, a shoe thing.
306
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:17,601
They're gonna
be in there a while.
307
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:20,367
Looks like
you're stuck with me.
308
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,367
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
309
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:30,601
Hello.
310
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,400
Oh, hi, sis.
311
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,167
Gee, you and Harriet
must really be excited.
312
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,767
Oh, I wanted to tell you
313
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:39,367
that Al and I
are coming to the wedding.
314
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:43,667
Well, don't cry.
I have to bring Al.
315
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,534
Jose called off
the wedding?!
316
00:15:46,534 --> 00:15:48,501
Why?
317
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:50,968
He won the lottery?
318
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:56,868
Oh, poor Harriet.
319
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,968
Well, I'll tell Al.
320
00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:01,834
He'll just be devastated,
321
00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:04,868
but maybe we'll see you
for Schnitzel Week.
322
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:06,534
Love you too.
323
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,601
[PEG SIGHS]
324
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:09,734
Hi, Kel.
325
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:10,868
Hi, Mom.
326
00:16:10,868 --> 00:16:12,868
Is Dad
in the bathroom?
327
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,200
No.
328
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,567
If he's not
in the bathroom
329
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:16,868
and he's not
watching television,
330
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,100
where else
could he be?
331
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,601
I think your father's
working late.
332
00:16:20,601 --> 00:16:23,100
The shoe store
closed hours ago.
333
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,701
You had a fight,
didn't you?
334
00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:28,667
Of course not.
What would we fight about?
335
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,667
The fact that you
have no money
336
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:34,801
and Bud and I are
great disappointments to you.
337
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:36,300
You are not
disappointments.
338
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:39,300
Look, we did have a fight,
but don't worry.
339
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,667
Your father
will be home soon.
340
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,167
Well, I hope
wherever Dad is,
341
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,000
he's nowhere near
another woman.
342
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,400
Mom,
I hate to tell you,
343
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,167
but as a boyfriend
stealer myself,
344
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,734
the best time
to get them
345
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:55,667
is right
after a fight.
346
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:58,868
Oh, who would
want your father?
347
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:00,868
Mom, let me tell you...
348
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:04,367
When a woman gets
to be around your age,
349
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:05,901
they get real desperate.
350
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:11,534
I've seen them
at the mall.
351
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:14,534
Their hungry, vacant eyes
scanning the escalators,
352
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,534
pretending to shop
near the men's dressing rooms,
353
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:20,033
praying that
some man, any man,
354
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:22,033
will walk up and say,
355
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:26,100
"Does this tie
go with this shirt?"
356
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,033
I don't have
to tell you what's next.
357
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,801
Can I have
Dad's chicken?
358
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,801
Sure, honey. Why don't you
take it upstairs.
359
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:36,300
Oh, look.
Don't worry about Daddy.
360
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,801
He'll be home soon,
361
00:17:37,801 --> 00:17:40,300
and I know where he is.
362
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,300
He's over at Telly's Bar
363
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:46,300
having a beer, watching the game
on the big screen,
364
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:49,167
lying about how many
shoes he's sold.
365
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,567
Hello, Telly?
366
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,601
Is Al Bundy there?
367
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,300
Well, could you
check the bathroom?
368
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,767
So my sister and I
got jobs as stewardesses
369
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:10,968
because we thought
370
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:14,601
that's the way
to become pilots.
371
00:18:14,601 --> 00:18:15,968
[TOILET FLUSHES]
372
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,767
The reason she's in first class
and I'm in coach
373
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:25,267
is 'cause she's much
smarter than I am.
374
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,767
One time I went
into the cockpit
375
00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:30,767
and I actually saw her
sitting on the pilot's lap
376
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:32,767
helping him fly
the plane.
377
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,767
She must have
been very good,
378
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:37,634
because he told
the copilot to get out.
379
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:43,801
You know, you have
very strong forearms.
380
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:44,968
Yeah.
381
00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,834
It must be from
all that flushing.
382
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:51,734
Well, that and,
you know, working out.
383
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:55,234
Yeah. You know, men are
always making passes at me
384
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,734
because they think
stews are easy,
385
00:18:57,734 --> 00:18:59,234
but we're not.
386
00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:00,701
TERRY:
Oh, Luke!
387
00:19:00,701 --> 00:19:03,400
Luke, Luke!
388
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,267
He's not
out here, sis!
389
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:16,367
Let me ask you
something, Al.
390
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:19,968
What does a nice guy
look for in a girl?
391
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:22,300
Uh...you.
392
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:24,968
Really.
You're beautiful,
393
00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:26,467
and you're blond,
394
00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:27,767
and, uh...
395
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,133
you're facing me.
396
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:34,767
I like that in a woman.
397
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:37,300
Don't worry. The right guy
is going to come along.
398
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,367
You know, I really feel
comfortable with you,
399
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:42,801
like I can talk to you
and be myself.
400
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:44,267
I don't have to live up
401
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,133
to any of those
stereotyped expectations
402
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:47,601
everyone has
of a stewardess.
403
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:49,300
You know,
always waiting on people,
404
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:50,634
attending to their needs.
405
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:52,734
Would you care
for a beverage?
406
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:53,901
No, thanks.
407
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,300
I'm looking for
a serious commitment,
408
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,000
Someone who'll
stay the night.
409
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,167
Then I gotta think there's
some guy out there for you.
410
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:07,300
I hope so.
411
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,434
See, I'm not like
my sister.
412
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,734
I need a man
to make me whole.
413
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:12,801
Ooh...
414
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:21,267
Well, I think
I'd better get going.
415
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:23,434
You want a massage?
416
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:24,634
Sure.
417
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,100
Ooh, you're tense.
418
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:33,100
And there are
tears in my eyes.
419
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:36,434
Well, I better
get going home.
420
00:20:36,434 --> 00:20:38,434
Can I come with you?
421
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:41,300
What are my chances
Peg's in a coma?
422
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:44,501
No.
423
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:48,000
Listen, I know that
I'm in a bachelor's pad,
424
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,434
and that I've got
the forearms of a Java man,
425
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,968
but I gotta tell you...
426
00:20:53,968 --> 00:20:55,734
I'm married...
427
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,567
with children.
428
00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:58,767
That's okay.
429
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:01,767
Excuse me.
430
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,934
Uh, listen, you're
really, really great,
431
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,934
and any guy would be lucky
432
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:16,133
I mean, jackpot lucky,
to be with you,
433
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,834
but I hope
you'll understand.
434
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:19,434
See, I've been married
a long time,
435
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,434
and it just
wouldn't be right.
436
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:23,934
You got any pictures
of yourself?
437
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:29,434
No. No, that wouldn't
be right either.
438
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,434
Listen, I gotta go.
439
00:21:31,434 --> 00:21:32,667
Take care.
440
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:34,667
You are so honorable.
441
00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:38,334
Your wife must be
really wonderful.
442
00:21:38,334 --> 00:21:40,133
Well, she's a pip...
443
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,067
But she's my pip.
444
00:21:45,934 --> 00:21:47,501
Hey, guys.
445
00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:49,567
You wanna make a movie?
446
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:52,400
Yes, I do.
447
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,234
Goodbye.
448
00:21:57,701 --> 00:21:59,100
Yes, I do.
449
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:11,601
[CAR PULLS UP]
450
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:20,701
Oh, gee, Al,
451
00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,467
I'm so glad you're home.
452
00:22:25,067 --> 00:22:26,267
Wear this.
453
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,000
[***]
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