All language subtitles for The.Bargee.1964.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[gentle intro music]

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[soft orchestral music]

[cheerful music on radio]

[humming cheerily]

[man on radio] Good morning, housewives.

[both] Good morning, Godfrey.

[Godfrey] And a special good morning
to Mrs. Robinson at Birmingham.

-Oy, the workers have arrived.
-Come on.

…because your family have told me.
So stop whatever housework you're doing.

Your tune is coming up now.

[bell dings]

[wolf-whistles]

Are you expressing an opinion
or have your teeth slipped?

Oh witty, know what I mean?

Cor!

[bell dinging]

Can’t you keep your little boy
under control?

Naughty. I’m very sorry. But you see,
we’ve just come back from a long trip

all the way up to Birmingham,
and he ain’t seen a white woman in weeks.

[chuckles]

Any mail for me today?

-What name?
-Pike. Hemel Pike.

Hemel. Oh, that's a funny name.
How d'you get a name like that?

Oh, well you see, uh, when I was born,
my parents was tied up at Hemel Hempstead.

So they called me Hemel.

Oh, it's a pity they didn’t get tied up
at Rickmansworth.

They could have called you Ricky.

Good job they weren't tied up
at Berkhamsted, wasn't it, eh?

[chuckling]

-There's no need to be coarse.
-No.

Hey, you get around, don't you?
I'll go tell Mr. Williams you’re here.

[man] Come in.

Mr. Williams,
there's a Mr. Pike to see you.

Cor, I bet she'd do a turn.

I’ll let you know.

Morning Hemel, Ronnie.
You’re in luck. Fifty tons up to Boxmoor.

What is it?

Barrels lemon peel,
loading down at Brentford.

Anything after that?

Well there might be something
from Birmingham.

But I’ll confirm with you at Brentford.

It’s getting worse, in'it?

I'm afraid it is.

There's 15 pairs out there
waiting for orders.

Old Billy Ruff turned it in last week.

There won’t be
a family left on the Cut soon.

Yeah, there won't, mate.

If I were a young man like you,
I wouldn’t hang about.

I'd be off like a shot.

Not me, mate.

Oh. The only way you’ll get me off
the canal is to fill it in.

[chuckles]

[gentle uplifting music]

Right.

Now let's get this lot sorted out.

From here to Boxmoor loaded
then empty right up to Birmingham.

-Four days.
-Make it five.

-Why?
-Gives us four overnight stops.

Right. First night…

Rickmansworth.

Nellie…

Second night… Boxmoor.

Brenda.

-Brenda?
-Yeah.

Oh no, Brenda's at Coventry, ain't she?

It's Martha at Boxmoor, ain't it?

No, no, no. Why do you always
get those two canals mixed up?

Martha's on the Oxford Canal at Bicester.

Oh yeah.

It used to be Brenda at Boxmoor.
You remember?

She got married
and introduced the head bridesmaid.

-Oh yeah, what was her name?
-Cynthia.

-Yeah, Cynthia wasn't it.
-So that's Cynthia at…

-Boxmoor.
-Right.

-Third night…
-Apsley.

Elsie… no.

I'm getting a bit fed up with her.

She’s started putting things
in her bottom drawer.

No, thank you. Not her. I should cocoa.

A little further up the third night,
I fancy.

Leg O'Mutton Lock?

Yeah… Leg O'Mutton Lock… Christine…

[exhales loudly]

She is a lovely little darling.

Leg O'Mutton Lock.

Well that leaves one stop
before Birmingham.

Birmingham's well taken care of.

The stop before Birmingham…
What do you reckon?

Leamington Spa?

[chuckling] Leamington Spa?

-Sandra!
-Yes.

That is not a bad idea. Oh yes.

She is good for a giggle, she is.

[chuckling]

Right! That's not a bad little trip.

Nellie, Cynthia, Christine, Sandra…
perm any one of four at Birmingham.

Yeah, well, that's you fixed up,
now what about me?

What about you?

Well, it's not exactly hysterical being
on your Jack in Leamington Spa, is it?

Look. leave it to me.
I fixed you up in Tring, didn’t I?

Fixed me up?
Cor blimey, I can find ugly birds myself.

I know hundreds of them.

It’s a bit of class is hard to come by,
ain’t it?

Oh well, if you don’t like my selections,
you can make your own arrangements.

Oh Gordon Bennett! I’ve got enough trouble
sorting my own life out… Postcards!

[distant honking]

Send up notice of arrival,
post them and we’ll be off. Right.

Dear Sandra…

Oh no. Her mother, I keep forgetting her.

Dear Sandra… arriving Nairobi…

day after tomorrow, love…

[soft humorous music]

Madeline…

[thumping]

[bright orchestral music]

Breakfast.

You are supposed… to throw the shell away.

That'd do you good. Calcium that is.
Make your fingernails grow, won't it?

Oh my god…

[groans softly] If your cooking
don't improve, I’ll go and get married.

I’m warning you.

It's all right, wash the bread down.

I wouldn’t wash the boat down with that.

I wouldn’t give much for the
fishing rights along this stretch either.

Thank you very much.

We shall throw lunch
over the side at half past one, all right?

Ah, it's good to be on the move again,
ain’t it?

I don’t like being cooped up inside.

-What's on at the pictures?
-Where?

Birmingham.

How should I know?

I just thought you might have heard.

Well, I haven’t.

Where would I hear?

I don't know. The newspapers,
boats coming back, ain’t it?

Do you think that's all I got to do,
spend my day shouting at boats?

"What's on at the pictures in Birmingham?"

Well, I only asked,
don't get out your pram.

I don't have to go to the pictures, do I?

I can go to a dance if I want to, can't I?
Bought the suit.

Hey, you like dancing, don't you?

Look mate, I'm fixed up.
Don’t start making plans for me.

No, that's what I mean,
you don’t want all four of them,

so whichever of the three of them
you don't want,

I could take one of them to a dance,
couldn't I?

Hey, we can all go together.

What, us and four birds?

Yeah, two each, ain’t it?

Two each? That’s not nice, is it.

That is very, very greedy.
You are disgusting.

Apart from which, if ever
those four birds meet, I’ve had it.

Can't you talk about anything else?

Sorry.

[soft pensive music]

What is this berk doing?

[honking]

There’s nobody on it.

[honking]

Get out the way!

[whistling The Sailor's Hornpipe]

["Rule Britannia" plays]

[loud buzzing]

Hang on!

[boat engine revs]

[shouts] Pass on the right!
Pass on the right!

[crash]

[groans]

Ahoy there!

Ahoy there.
Are you the captain of these vessels?

[small boat captain] You there!

Yes, I am!

Why don't you look where you're going?
You could have had us over.

Sorry, skipper, my fault entirely,

and may I congratulate you
on a fine feat of seamanship.

I thought you handled them rather well.

No idea I was on a shipping lane.
[chuckling heartily]

-Are you all right?
-Yeah. We’re all right.

Not holed or anything?

Do what?

Captain, allow me to make amends.

I was about to splice the mainbrace,

you know, up spirits and all that.

I was wondering if you and

your crew would care to join me
in the wardroom for a pinkers?

Pinkers? No thanks, we’re in a hurry.

Oh? Where are you bound?

Eh?

Your port of call?

Oh. Boxmoor.

Hertfordshire.

Out of Brentford. The good
ships Banstead and Bellerophon. [laughs]

Jolly good. [chuckles]

As a matter of fact,
I’m steering north by northwest myself.

Perhaps we’ll bump into each other again
later on in the day.

Really? I shall look out for you.

Oh come on mate,
shift your boat, we want get moving.

You know, you’re a jolly lucky man,
master of your own vessels.

I’m sorry to see you chaps
aren't in your traditional garb.

I've got the book on you.

Oh yes?

And according to that book,
you should he in moleskin trousers,

high-buttoned waistcoat,
embroidered belt, very colorful.

[chuckling]

I'm very sorry, but you see, these days
we only wears them when our chief dies.

Oh what a pity.

It’s a beautiful ceremony.

You see we puts his coffin
on one of these barges,

we pushes it out in midstream,
then we sets fire to it.

[chuckling] Set fire to it, yes.

Do you really?

Oh yes. Then we dances
round a campfire for two or three days.

You know, laments and dirges,
ho, ho, ho! Tearing our hair out.

Yes, I've read that somewhere.

Last happened, September, 1950 odd.

September 1950 odd, eh?

It was his grandfather, wasn't it?

Yeah. Lovely blaze he made.

He is a prince.

Aren't ya?

Yeah. I’ll tell your fortune
for half a dollar.

Well, that's very kind of you.

Oh, what a shame.
He hasn’t got his gold earrings on.

He’ll be king of the canal one day,
you know.

There's over 200 families on this bank
owes him allegiance.

Fourth in line, he is.

This is a great thrill for me,
meeting royalty, so to speak.

Please don't touch him.

Would you tell him I'm deeply honored?

-Of course.
-Thank you.

Not at all. Now if you wouldn't mind
moving your boat, we have got work to do.

[engine starts]

Oh, captain. A word of warning.

-The glass is falling.
-Beg pardon?

I fancy we’re in for some foul weather.

It's going to be dirty
round Rickmansworth tonight.

I’ll batten down the hatches then.

Very wise.
Good luck, captain, and Godspeed.

["Rule Britannia" plays]

Oh, look at him going there.

Look at us standing here
right up the bank.

I've got to get to Rickmansworth.
If I don't see Nellie tonight,

that's the whole of my schedule
put right out.

So if your Royal Highness
wouldn’t mind getting his finger out,

perhaps we can continue with this voyage.

[uplifting music]

I think I'll give her
setting number eight.

[loud thud]

Keep ’em steady!

I don’t want her to see me
with fag papers stuck all over my face!

There’s supposed to be two of us
working these boats!

I haven’t got time. I got to get ready.
You can manage. And get a move on!

[loud thud]

You great pillock!

[groans in pain]

[gentle music]

-How do I look?
-Lovely. Where's your handbag?

What is the matter with you?

I just worked all the locks on my tod,
that’s all.

Oh, it'd do you good,
let’s get some of that flab off you.

Get off!

Anyway, it’s in your own interests.

The better I look, the more grub
will I be able to get out of Nellie.

And that’s all I ever do get,
ain’t it, the grub.

Well, that is all you're getting.

Well, how do you expect me
to get her going

with you sitting there
with your mouth open?

I wouldn’t interfere.

As soon as the grub’s down, hop it
straight back to the boat, get some sleep.

You’ve got a heavy day in front of you
tomorrow. See you down there, right?

And smarten yourself up.

Dead scruffy you are, aren’t ya?

[lighthearted music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

[inaudible]

Did you hear that, Joe?

[chuckling]

Don't be frightened of this,
it's quite harmless.

Quite harmless.

Must record
some canal shanties for posterity.

You chaps are dying out, you know.

Do you know any old canal shanties?

Didn’t know there were any.

Ah, give him "Knees Up Mother Brown."

[exhaling loudly]

♪ Knees up Mother Brown
Knees up Mother Brown ♪

-♪ Under the table you must go♪
-Ee ay ee ay ee ay oh.

Good.

No singing if you please!

Well shiver my timber.
What a pleasant surprise!

How nice of you to remember me, captain.
How’s the prince? Isn’t he with you?

Uh, no. He's, uh…dressing for dinner.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got…

No, no, no.
You must allow me to buy you a drink.

I'm on grog myself, what'll you have?

[Hemel] Well, that’s very kind of you,
but I’m…

No, no, no. Come along,
what’s it going to be?

[all shouting orders excitedly]

[lighthearted music]

[in Birmingham accent]
Can I have a pint of bitter, please, miss.

Just coming, sir.

Hemel!

Nellie.

I wasn't expecting you,
you didn’t send a card.

Yeah, I thought I’d surprise you.

Let’s go and get of a dinner on.

Joe, look after the bar,
I'm just going in the kitchen.

Righto, Mrs. Marsh.

Oh, I've been going potty
this last fortnight thinking about you.

I don't know how I stay away from you.

Why do you?

You wouldn’t have to if we got married.

[romantic music stops]

Let's go and get the dinner on.

That stopped you dead, didn’t it?

What are you talking about?

As soon as I mentioned getting married,
you went paralyzed.

Well, what do you want
to talk about getting married for?

Well, what’s wrong with getting married?

There's nothing wrong
with getting married.

Well then, why don't we?

Well, because, because…

Is it hot meal tonight?

No, cold collation.

Here. There’s no one else, is there?

Someone else? What? Another girl?

Yeah.

What sort of a bloke do you think I am?

Oh Nellie! I’m surprised at you!

After all these years… you’ve hurt me.

You really have hurt me.

Well, then. If there’s no one else,
why don’t we get married?

I’ve got a good business here.
I need a man to help me run it.

You could give up the canals…

Ah. Give up the canals?

Yeah. Well, I’m not going on like this
for the rest of my life,

waiting for you to come past
once a fortnight.

I’ve been married twice before
and I like it.

Of course you do.

You should always be married all the time,

handsome woman like you.

It's just that…
We don’t want to rush into things.

Rush? Five years?

We got all our lives in front of us.

Marry in haste…
Then three places, Ronnie’s with me.

It’s all right.

I’ve told him to shove off
as soon as he’s been fed.

Then we’ll be alone.

Oh. [chuckling heartily]

Hello, Nellie.

[gasps]

-Come in.
-No…

No, that's all right. Come on… come in!

Well, this looks all right for me.
What you others gonna have?

Hey, what have I been saying
all the way up the Cut?

Isn't she the greatest little woman
in the world?

Yeah. Can I take my coat off?

[Nellie] Oh, I suppose so.

[Nellie] Go on Hemel, you start.

[Hemel] Here, this looks very nice.

[cutlery clanking]

I didn’t know you could write, Ronnie.

Hello Cynthia Canonbury…

Oh, what you been up to then, Ronnie?

You… you'd better let me have them,
Nellie.

I should have posted them this morning.

Perhaps I'd better nip out and do it now…

I might just catch the post.

[quizzical music]

You rotten two-timing lying--

Now Nellie, don't jump to conclusions.

I mean, surely a man can write
to his family without being accused of…

Well, you know I’ve got relatives
all the way up the Cut.

"Darling," "Sweetheart"…
What is this, incest?

No, Nellie, let me explain.

Get out. [shouts] Get out!

Now Nellie, control yourself.

You can’t expect me
to marry a homicidal maniac!

I mean, they were their
last farewells, that's all they were!

Open the door, you berk!
She'll do for both of us!

-You!
-Now Nellie, darling, don’t…

[grunting angrily]

[lighthearted music]

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

[Hemel] Now don’t be a silly girl.

Control yourself!
You’re being very unreasonable about this.

I can't stop them fancying me.

You'll have nothing to offer them
by the time I’m finished with you.

That’s not very nice, is it?
Have you undone that rope yet, huh?

[groaning in pain]

Oh…

[Nellie] Oh, you’ve hurt me.

Oh god… Nellie! Nellie!

Are you all right?

Now, I'll skin you!

[grunting]

Bring them in. Bring them in!

Nellie! No, no… Nellie!

I’ll get you on the way back,
don’t you worry.

I’ll cut your throat out!

You…

And what are you lot staring at?

You’re all the same. You’re no better
than he is, none of ya.

[groaning angrily]

Thank you.

[scoffs]

[uplifting music]

Okay. Ta..

Oy!

Good trip?

Hysterical.

Like that was it?

Well, here's your receipt then.

All weighed and all paid.

Where next? Up the smoke?

No, empty on up to Brum and back down
with a load of copper ingots.

No, thanks.

-Do you like this sort of life?
-Why?

You know what I mean, it's a funny
sort of way to live, isn’t it?

There’s not a lot of room on these things,
is there?

How much room do you need then?

Well, wouldn’t you rather have
a nice little house?

No.

Well, I suppose it’s all right for you,
you were brought up to it.

You don’t know any better…

Don’t know anything else.

Don't misunderstand me,
I'm not trying to be offensive.

Oh no, no, no.

But I keep chickens in sheds bigger
than these, if you know what I mean.

Oh you do them up nicely inside, they're
a credit to you, they are really, but…

It's all right for a time I suppose,
a bit of a laugh.

But you must agree it's much better
to have a nice house with proper bedrooms,

a lounge, fitted kitchen,
bathroom, toilet…

Ah, rates, mortgage,
hire purchase, neighbors.

"Keep your voice down!" "Dig the garden!"
Huh?

[chuckling]

Want the advantages
of a civilized way of life,

you must expect
to make sacrifices, mustn’t you.

I just don't think it right
in this day and age,

that people should live like you do.

Look,

I don't come round to your house telling
you, you ought to get a bigger one, do I?

I’m going to get a bigger one,
when I get promoted.

Good, if that’s what you want,
you’re all right then.

It's what every normal person wants.

Well, perhaps I’m not normal.

Perhaps I don’t wanna live
in a row of potty little houses.

They are not potty little houses.

They are potty little houses.

-You haven’t seen mine.
-I have seen yours…

-What?
-ten million times.

All the way from London to Birmingham.

You’re the one I feel sorry for, mate.

Me? Ah, it's ridiculous.

Waste of time talking to you.

You can’t help some people, they just
don’t want to improve themselves.

Morning, Mr. Parkes.

[scoffs] You’re worse than he is.

What's up with him?

-He's upset.
-Why?

Because we don’t live in a little house.

Don't want to live in a little house.

-Well, you should do.
-Why?

Because it’s not right
living in a little boat like that.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Did you get all the shopping?

[Ronnie] Hey?

Did you get all the shopping?

Yeah. It’s here, in'it?

[man on loudspeaker] Ahoy there, captain.

Oh gawd, it’s Jack Hawkins again.

What can I do for you, commander?

The young lady at Rickmansworth asked me
to give you this if I saw you again.

Your shore rig, I fancy.

You disengaged the enemy
rather well last night.

Thought you were going down
with all hands.

Hey, she’s been at them
with that knife, ain’t she?

[gasping]

"Pity you weren’t inside them
but I can wait."

You upset her, didn’t you?

I’m stopping the price of these
out of your wages, my old cousin.

Now sew them up. Thank you, commander.

Not at all,
hands across the sea and all that.

Beware of these canal sirens, captain.

Lured many a good mariner to his doom.

Yes, I'll keep a watch out for them.

[loud thud, splatter]

Half a fathom,
I must enter that in the log.

Enter it in ours, would you.

Don't want to run aground, do we?

Must keep sounding. Godspeed.

[upbeat marching band music]

He won't be happy
till he's got a wooden leg, that bloke.

[gentle music]

-Morning.
-Morning.

[honking]

Hello Cynthia.

"Hello Ronnie."

[gasps excitedly]

-Hemel!
-Hello, darling.

I wasn’t expecting you.
Why didn’t you send me a card?

Ah, no. Well, you see,
there was a bit of a mix up…

Oh, well, it doesn't matter,
as long as you're here. How have you been?

Marvelous.

-Take over.
-Usual place?

Yes. Give us a shout when we get there.

Oy. Keep 'em steady,
don't bang 'em about too much.

There's a good boy.

[cheering]

Hey, horn blower. How about a lift, then?

Show us your tattoos then.

Hey, bring us back some coconuts.

Big ones.

Go on, get back to work!

Where’s Hemel?

He’s having his dinner.

Oh, come on then.

Dozy lot of…

We're here!

[chuckling]

Oh darling, I’d better get a move on,
my mother will be back soon.

Forsooth, you better take the bike,
I'll pick it up on the way back.

All right then.

Are you sure you’ve got everything?

Yeah… Oh, what about your washing?

That's right.

[Cynthia]
Oh, look. Something needs darning here.

[grunting nervously]

-And what about these?
-No, no, not those.

-Oh but look, I can patch them--
-Come on, let's have a pedal.

Oh no, just a minute.

Oh and just one more thing,

not too much starch in them shirts,
all right, my darling?

Oh, I’m sorry…

I couldn’t bend my arms last time.

[laughing]

Oh darling, hold that.
Wait a minute. And that… and that…

Here’s a little cake.
I made it specially for you.

You shouldn’t have bothered.

Well, you know I worry about you
getting your proper food.

You need a woman
to look after you properly.

Yes, well… you’d better get away.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well… Bye-bye, darling.

Now then, you take care
and I’ll see you on the way back.

All right.

-Ta-ta.
-Ta-ta.

Hey, if you're mother's in,
hang a towel outside the bathroom window!

[Cynthia] All right!

[soft lighthearted music]

All right?

Very pleasant. Have a bit of cake.

[ominous music]

-Well, that’s a new way of opening them.
-Shouldn’t take him more than a week.

[humorous music]

Do you mind if we play through?

Of course not,
some are harder than others.

Jolly good.

What’s that say there?

That’s her name, June Sudbury.

What does it say underneath?

June is busting out all over.

[chuckling]

That's very funny, that is.

Is it?

Yeah, course it is.
I mean she is, ain't she?

And that’s her name, ain’t it? June…

[Hemel] Yeah.

She’s a big lot, ain’t she?

Look, I’m not interested
in birds in books.

[groans]

I don’t want to see photographs of it.
Don't do me any good, do it?

Well, it's all right for you, ain't it?

-I think they're all right.
-That’s 'cause you don’t know any better.

You take little Christine up the Cut,

you know she could knock
all those old boilers into a cocked hat.

Right little darling.

Yeah, well, that’s one
you want to watch your step with,

you know what her old dad’s like.

If he catches you,
that’ll be your 'opping pot.

No, I get on with him all right.

Yeah, only 'cause he don’t know
you’re having his daughter away.

Don't say that about Christine.
She is a nice girl.

Ah, that's bit different, ain’t it?

Getting serious, are you?

No, it’s not that.

It’s just that…

Well, there's some girls, you don’t bring
into this sort of conversation.

Right, you got plenty of others,
why do you bother with this one?

Because I happen to think very highly
of this one.

Well, that's your funeral.
If her dad knew…

If you keep him in the boozer tonight,
he won't know, will he?

[Hemel] I don't know what
you're so worried about.

Old Joe’s all right.
He’s quite harmless, really.

When you get to know him.

Don’t you dare

lay your stinking, filthy, dirty,
rotten hands on my daughter ever again!

-I only said hello.
-Don’t argue with me! Get up!

[tense music]

I can't stop you passing this way, mister,
but I’m warning you.

Next time, keep going, because if I ever
so much as catch you looking at her,

I’ll have your head
between them lock gates

and squeeze your little brain out.
Understand?

[gasping] Yeah… yeah…

Well, get going.

[boat engine starting]

Oh, Dad, you've been fighting again.

Now don’t fuss yourself, it’s nothing.

Oh, you've been fighting over me,
haven’t you?

Well, who was it this time?

Oh, that Ted Croxley.

Oh, not little Ted Croxley.

He's not so little. He fetched me
a beauty up here, I can tell you.

Well, what’s he supposed to have done?

It’s not what he’s supposed to have done,

it's what he would have done
if I don't put a stop to it.

Put a stop to what? He only said hello.

I saw the way he said it too,
the leering little crimp.

Oh, I just don’t understand you, Dad.

All the time you spend in the pub with him
and the others, yarning and drinking.

I mean, they’re the best friends
you’ve got till it comes to me.

[scoffs]

I mean, you can’t fight every man
that says hello to me.

Can't I? That’s the way it starts.

First, it's "how are you today,"
then "can I carry your bag, ma'am?"

Then before you say Jack Thompson,
he's got one foot inside your door

and that's your lot, you've had it.

Well, I can look after myself, Dad.

Look, I don’t stop you going out
with nice blokes.

I let you go out with that farmer’s lad
up the road, didn’t I?

You didn’t know, I suppose,
that that young farmer’s lad up the road

has got two and a half thousand acres
coming to him?

Oh. Oh, has he? Oh, well…
There you are, you see…

[chuckles] I’m a good judge, aren’t I?
Yes, he’s a…

He’s a gentleman.
He… keeps his hands to himself.

He’s got money and he's…

Boring!

Do you know, last night, he talked
about nothing but foot and mouth disease?

Well, that’s important,
foot and mouth disease.

If you’re going to be a farmer’s wife,
you must know if you’ve got it.

Look, stop trying to marry me off, Dad.
When I’m ready, I shall choose.

And until then,
I should go out with who I like.

I promised your mother
that when you got married,

you'd go up that aisle in a white dress,
not a pink one.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Well… Well… we’re…
we’re a respectable family.

Your mother was a good girl
till she met me.

I mean, until she married me,

she wouldn’t let anybody
take any liberties with her,

that's including me.

Oh, her father was a right… yes…

Well, what I’m trying to say is that

I was the first
and that wasn’t until after.

If you get my meaning… and that's
the way I want it to be with you.

I didn’t send you to grammar school

to get tied up
with one of that lot off the canal.

[honking]

Good evening, Joe.

Evening. Have a good trip?

Yeah, not bad.

Oh, are you tying up here for the night,
then?

Yeah.
But we’re off to Birmingham tomorrow.

Oh, well, you’re the last pair through,
so I’ll lock 'em up.

-Good evening, Miss Turnbull.
-Good evening, Mr. Pike.

Uh… Do you fancy a drink, Joe?

Huh? I was just on my way to have one.

Come on then, I'll buy you one.

No use asking you to join us, I suppose.

Oh. Mr. Turnbull,
how long have you known me?

Have you ever seen me inside a pub?

Well, what about a cider
or a tomato juice or something?

No, no, no, thank you.
You go ahead. Don't mind me.

You enjoy yourselves.

Oh, if I hurry, I can just get down
the church in time for evensong.

Oh yes, of course, yes… [chuckling]

Christine! I'm just going down to the pub.
You'll be all right?

-Yes.
-[Joe] Lock the door.

Don’t wait up for me.

I think there’s something good
on the telly.

All right.

-Keep him lashed up till closing time.
-Right.

-You fit?
-Yeah.

[gentle music]

[chuckling]

Yeah, he's a good lad,
that cousin of yours.

We could do with some more
God-fearing men like him along this canal.

[gentle music continues]

Are you smoking?

Yeah. But it’s only a thin one.

Well, don’t leave the end in the ashtray.

He knows I don’t roll my own.

-What ashtray?
-Isn’t there…

-Oh, I'll go and get you one.
-No… Don’t bother.

[chuckles softly]

[clock chiming]

-Hemel.
-Hmm?

-Do you love me?
-Eh?

Do you love me?

Yeah… Yeah, of course, I do.

You’ve never said it.

Hemel…
we do get on well together, don’t we?

Of course we do.
We ain’t had no punch ups, have we?

And when you think about it,
we have got a lot in common, haven’t we?

Yeah…

And we enjoy being together, don't we?

Of course we do…
I don't know what you're talking about.

Look, your old man will be back soon.

We ain’t got long, we hardly see enough
of each other as it is,

so don't let's waste time
nattering about who likes who.

Oh, Hemel, I do love you.

I suppose your mate will be back
from the church, won’t he?

Yeah.

He’s probably in bed by now.

[chuckles] Well…

That's it. Time for off.

You don’t want to go yet, it's…
It's early, ain't it?

I don’t like leaving my little girl
for too long.

There's some funny people who
wander around here at night, I tell you.

Oh she’ll be all right.
Come on, have another.

No, no, no. I’m all right.
Better get back.

Oh, it’s true then, is it?

What is?

What they’ve been saying along the Cut.

-What?
-That you can't take the beer anymore.

Who can’t?

Well, that's what they're all saying,
that you're finished as a drinker.

Finished?
I’ll drink any man here under the table.

Well, I'm only repeating
what I’ve heard, ain't I?

Well, you heard wrong, mate.
I hold the record around here.

Twenty-eight pints
of brown and mild in one night.

Oh yeah, well, that's years ago,
ain't it? I mean…

We all get old.

Old?

I'll drink any pint you'd care to put up,
mate.

No, no, you go on, get your rest.

I mean, what does it matter to you
what they’re all saying?

You’ve had a good run.

You go on home.

Don’t you tell me to go home.
I go home when I want to go home.

Finished, am I?

George!

Set 'em up all round.

If any man here can outdrink me,
I’ll buy the lot.

[excited chattering]

-And what if they can’t?
-He buys them.

-But…
-Pints only!

[excited chattering]

Get in there!

[Christine] Hemel?

Yes?

Have you ever thought
about leaving the canal?

Oh, no. Not you as well.

Everyone wants to get me off the canal.

What’s wrong with canals all of a sudden?

Is it so important to you?

Of course it’s important. It is my job.

Well, couldn't you get a job on the bank?

No, I couldn’t.

Well, why not?

I just couldn’t, that’s all.

I was brought up on the canal.

It's my life, ain't it?
I was born on the canal.

You can't turn it in, just like that.
Besides, I’m good at it.

It's what you're used to, ain't it?

I mean, it's like me asking you to leave
the land and come and live on the boats.

You couldn't do it.

Could you?

-Oh, I'd hate it.
-Well…

There you are then.

Supposing you got married?

If I get married, she comes
and lives with me on the boats, don't she?

But supposing you married a woman
that didn't want to live on the boats?

I wouldn’t marry a woman
who didn't want to live on the boats.

Well, supposing you loved each other…

Wouldn't that make any difference?

Look, a wife’s supposed to go
where her husband goes, ain't she?

I mean, that's it, in'it?

That’s the way of the world that is.

What about children?

You do want to have children?

I wouldn’t mind.

Yeah… a few sprogs.

[chuckling]

One of these days, I suppose.

Well, there you are then. You'd have to
leave the canal, wouldn’t you?

Why?

Well, that’s no way to bring up children.

Well, it didn't do me any harm, did it?

There’s loads of people on the boats
with children.

It's a marvelous life for kids.

Well, I don’t think it is.

Look, Hemel, what chance has a kid got?

No proper home, no education?

You’re the only one
that can even read and write.

And you couldn’t do that
till you went in the army.

Look, if you don’t have schooling,
how can you get on?

You don’t have to get on to be a boatman,
you are already there, aren’t you?

Oh so that’s it, is it?

You want your children
to grow up like you,

trundling up and down a canal all day.

Well, it’s not for me. I couldn’t do it,
Hemel, I just couldn’t do it!

Gordon Bennett, no one's asked you to yet!
Now you started it…

Look, don’t swear at me.

I didn’t swear,
all I said was Gordon Bennett. Shh…

That pub's a bit quiet, isn't it?

[loud snoring]

[sighs, grunting loudly]

Twenty-nine. Twenty-nine!

I’ve broken my own record. Twenty-nine.

Do you hear that, you…
fat-faced son of a budgerigar?

[mumbling]

You’re as drunk as a fiddler’s bitch.

[grunts, scoffs]

Hey, George!

Yes, Mr. Turnbull.

-How many have I had?
-Twenty-nine.

Twenty-nine. I've broken the record.

Yes Mr. Turnbull. Congratulations.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Yeah… Look at them!

Oh… come on, John…

Look! You wouldn't think grown-up
human beings they were, would you?

-No.
-[chuckles]

[shouting] I had to prove it though!

My championship was being questioned.

[cackling softly]

Ah! [belching loudly]

Let's have one for the Cut.

Would you care to join me?

No, thank you. I… I don't drink.

Oh… [chuckling] That's very wise.

Don’t ever start.

Goodnight… George.

Uh… That'll be 15 pounds,
ten and threepence, Mr. Turnbull.

Oh… he, he, he… he pays, him…

The defeated challenger.

Goodnight.

Careful across the lock, Mr. Turnbull.

-What?
-Across the lock, be careful.

[snoring]

[shouts] I can outdrink
any man on this canal!

It's him!

[humorous lighthearted music]

♪ There's an old mill by the stream ♪

♪ Nellie dear… ♪

-Come on, come on.
-Ah!

-Don't get cold.
-Cold…

[gasping]

Boots, boots, boots, boots!

♪ There's an old mill by the stream ♪

♪ Nellie dear ♪

♪ Where we used to sit and dream ♪

♪ Nellie dear ♪

♪ Hah, when the waters as they flow ♪

♪ Seem to whisper, here we go ♪

♪ Nellie dear ♪

♪ There's an old mill by the stream ♪

♪ Nellie dear ♪

♪ Sit and dream, Nellie dear ♪

♪ Water, water ♪

♪ Lead me to the water ♪

[gentle uplifting music]

[gasping]

[groaning]

[cock crowing]

Drink it down.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

[burps, grunts]

I'm sorry, love.

You promised me you'd never
have any more than four. Twenty-nine!

What are you trying to prove anyway?
It's so childish.

Oh, no, no, no, not kidneys.
I really couldn't face them, love.

I bet they look better
than yours do this morning.

[hiccups] It was that Ronald Pike.
I should've gone to church with Hemel.

Well, you… You eat your breakfast
'cause I got work to do.

-Go on, you eat it.
-Yeah.

[ominous music]

-[glass shatters]
-[grunts]

Chris, what was that?

Chris, are you all right? Chris!

Chris!

Chris!

What's wrong? Chris!

Hello. Hello, Mildred?
Get the doctor, quick!

How is she?

She's resting, um…

-Can we have a little chat?
-Yes… in here.

Ah, thank you… Thank you.

Well, is it anything serious?

That depends on your point of view,
really. No, medically she’s A1.

She can get up whenever she wants to.

Well, what’s wrong with her then?

Well, there’s nothing wrong with her,
really.

No, she’s a very healthy girl.

Very attractive too. [chuckles softly]
Damned attractive.

Look, you’re not here to judge
a beauty contest. What’s wrong with her?

Well, your daughter didn't tell me
very much. Has she got any boyfriends?

No.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Well, I think she ought to get one then,
she’s three months pregnant.

What did you say?

She's three months pregnant.

Now, here’s a letter of introduction
to the pre-natal clinic.

And here's the free orange juice voucher.

Pregnant? Pregnant!

Are you looking for a punch in the nose?

Well, really, I…

My daughter is not pregnant.

-Of course she’s pregnant!
-She is not pregnant!

[glass shattering]

She can’t be pregnant.

My daughter is a good girl.

She doesn’t do things like that.

I'm afraid she must have done because

she’s preggers, old boy,
she’s very preggers.

Don't keep saying that!

I'll have you reported
to the British Medical Corporation.

You don't know your job.
Pregnant, my foot.

You couldn't tell a pregnant woman
from a hole in the ground.

I beg your pardon.
I happen to specialize in obstetrics.

I don't care what you specialize in.

I won't have my daughter insulted
by a simpering nit

straight out of a medical school.

You dirty minded little tyke.

Well, really, I…

I demand to see our proper doctor!
Not his apprentice.

-I am a proper doctor!
-[scoffs]

[stutters] Look. I’m his partner

and I assure you
that he’d merely confirm my diagnosis.

Well, he’ll get a punch
in the nose as well.

[chuckles] Really?
The whole thing's madness. Look, look.

I’ll come back
when you're in a more sober frame of mind.

Look. Does that seem to you to be a girl
that would get herself into trouble?

No, not at that age.

No! No…well then…

I can’t believe it…

My little girl… [sniffs] Who did it?

Who did it?

Well, there you’ve got me.
That’s something we haven’t mastered yet.

We can sometimes tell you
who didn’t do it,

but we can’t yet tell you who did do it.

Yeah.
I suppose you think that’s funny, eh?

Oh, no… no, I…

Where is she?

Now I forbid you to upset her.
She’s resting now.

Please keep calm. We’ve got
a number of formalities to see to.

Now then. Um…
What’s her National Health number?

Oh, how the hell should I know?

Oh…

[discordant piano keys play]

She must have been drugged or something.
She couldn't have done it by herself.

No, quite.

I'll kill him!

-[discordant piano keys]
-So help me, I’ll kill him!

Now… now, Mr. Turnbull,
you… you mustn’t reproach yourself.

The way I’ve looked after her,
I promised her mother.

I sent her to a grammar school

and now the first yob
that comes along, this happens.

Oh now, come now,
it may not have been the first one.

What?

Oh… no, I didn't mean that. I meant…

Well, we don't know who is responsible
at this stage of the game.

A game, you call it?

[gentle music]

Oh… Miss Turnbull, your father’s
very upset. Are you feeling better?

Yes, thank you.

Well, come and sit down.
You… you’ve got to take things easy.

You've got a lot… in front of you.

-He told you then?
-Yeah.

-Well?
-Well what?

Well, what are you going to do?

Well…

I’m not going to turn you out.

I've decided that.

But I can't pretend
I'm not disappointed, Christine.

Yet I suppose it’s my fault in a way.

Keeping you from men all these years…

I don't suppose you knew
what he was up to.

Oh, it wasn't like that, Dad.

Well… What's done's done.

We just have to get you
married off quickly,

and hope no one notices anything.

Who did it?

-Well, you do know who it is?
-Yes.

Well, thank God for that.
Well, come on, who was it?

I know it was that farmer's boy, was it?

That foot and mouth bloke,
he's the father.

-He isn't!
-Oh, never mind.

I’ll have him up that aisle so fast,
he’ll think he is, right!

I'll see that old parson
and get his banns put up.

Look, Dad, why can’t you keep out of it?
I’m not marrying him.

-[scoffs]
-I'm not marrying anybody!

That’s what you think.
You’re not staying single…

Look who’s having this baby, you or me?

-I think I’ll just be toddling off now.
-You stay where you are.

Look, Christine, I can't do
anything about what's been done,

but I can about the bloke who done it.

Well, you're going to have to find out
who did it first, aren’t you?

Hah! I’ll find out, don’t you worry.

If it wasn’t that foot and mouth drip,

it must have been
one of these canal fellows.

Well, what if it was?

Oh, it was, was it? Right!

That foundlings going to have a name!

What you do after you get married
is your own business.

But there isn’t going to be any marriage!

Why don’t you leave me alone?
I’m not marrying anybody!

-Listen!
-Not anybody!

If you think you’re going to have
that child without getting spliced,

you’ve got another thing coming.

-[Christine sobbing]
-[door slams]

See that?
I don’t know what the world’s coming to.

They don't seem to care these days.

She's going to have a child,
you think she had a cold in the nose.

Brazen as an old ram.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure
that when the real father finds out,

he'll want to do the right thing by her.

You're joking.
He'll be off like a Chinese whippet.

[scoffs]

I was hoping she’d get tied up with a
fine upstanding fellow with… prospects.

Have a drink?

Oh… thank you.

Are you married?

Me? Oh, no… No, not me, no.

Well… [chuckling]

She's very attractive, you know.
You said so yourself, didn't you?

And apart from the condition she's in,
she’s a very good catch.

She cooks, she sews, she keeps house.

She’s intelligent.
She’d make marvelous doctor’s wife.

She’s very good on the telephone,
got a beautiful speaking voice.

Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Turnbull
I've only just left medical school.

I’ve only just arrived in the district,
I only have 70 people on my list.

One of them’s a bit shaky.

No, I really couldn’t afford
to support a wife at the moment,

let alone a pregnant wife.

As much as I’d like to,
I really don’t think I could, no…

Besides, I’m engaged.

Yes. [stuttering nervously]

That's it, I’m engaged, Sandra…

Yes, charming girl.
I met her up at Oxford.

Blue eyes, she’s reading Sanskrit.

No, I couldn’t possibly disappoint…
disappoint her at this stage.

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

I'll just have to find out
who the father is, won't I?

Oh yes, yes… that’s…
that’s much the best idea.

You’re quite right.
I always say the natural parent

is the best one to bring up a child.
Orange juice…

No recriminations and that sort of thing.

Now if you’ll excuse me,
I really must be going.

I’ve got a strangulated hernia
waiting for me, so I really must be going.

Well, go then.

Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, she should be all right now.
If she needs anything, just call.

Well, good morning.

If you change your mind, let me know.

Oh yes, I will.
I hope everything comes out all right.

Hmm…What?

No, no… I mean… I hope you find him.

-[man] Hello Joe.
-Hello.

How's Christine?

What do you mean by that?

What do you know about it?

What are you talking about?

-You know something, don’t you?
-What about?

When were you last through here?

-What’s the matter with you?
-You all know about it.

You all know who it is.
You’re all laughing at me, aren’t you?

I’ll find out!

I have my ways. I'll find out who it is!

[soft tense music]

[ominous music]

[sighs]

[exhilarating music]

Help! We're capsizing! We’re going down!

Hello, hello.
Signal flags. Signal flags!

Signal flags…

[bell dinging]

Signal flags…

[grunting]

S, O, D… D?

Hey… the pound's empty!

Help! We’re sinking!

[honking]

Hear, what’s all this?

[Joe] Keep away from them gates.

[man] Hey, Joe, what are you playing at?

The paddles are locked
and the pound’s empty.

I know, I emptied it.

Yeah, well, you want to get it filled up
again quick, we’re losing time.

Keep away, I said!

You going crackers or something?

You’re holding up the whole canal.

And it’s gonna stay held up
till I find out what I want.

What's that?

Who put my daughter in the family way?

She’s not! What, Christine?

-You’re joking.
-Who’d have believed that?

Now who’d do a thing like that?

That’s what I mean to find out.

That's got nothing to do with us.

Something to do with one of you,
you know who it is, all of you!

You’re covering up.

Ah come on, Joe.
You can't hold us up. We got work to do.

We’re very sorry and all that.

You can’t hold up the canal
just because your daughter’s expecting.

[Joe] I can and I will.

And whoever did it better own up.

Save time and trouble for the lot of you.

Now come along, lock keeper, must get
to Birmingham. This is most inconvenient.

My daughter’s having a child.

Oh, congratulations.

[Joe scoffs]

She’s not married.

Well, you can hardly hold me responsible,
old chap. It's my first voyage.

Well, it’s likely to be your last
if you don’t keep away from those paddles.

We’re not stopping here waiting for you.
Come on, lads, let’s get ’em open.

[grunts]

I warned you. Keep away.
Get back to your boats.

If I catch anyone messing about with those
gates, I’ll put a shot through him.

No one’s going through this lock

until I’ve found out
who’s put my daughter in the club.

How long are you staying
in Birmingham then?

Just overnight.
We’re going back tomorrow morning.

Have you ever been on board a boat before?

No.

Oh, I think
you’ll find it very interesting.

What is it, a party then?

It will be.

[suspenseful music]

[whispering] Go on, he’ll be asleep.

But he's got the gun.

-Oh, go on, it won’t take a minute. Go on!
-Come on, Syd.

[humorous music]

[shouting in pain]

Hah!

You all right, Syd?

I’ll tell you later.

Well, that’s it. We call the police
and send for the Waterways, come on.

That'll scutter you, you creeping lot of…

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter]

Right. Next time anyone touches
these paddles, I'll blow the gates up,

and you'll be held up for weeks.

[all chattering] Go on!

[man] We've sent for the Waterways!

I don't care who you sent for!

You’ll get the bleeding sack for this!

You wanna get through,
find out who did it.

[tense music]

And that was eight o’clock?

Good afternoon, Constable. Williams,
Area Superintendent, British Waterways.

Oh, good afternoon, sir.

Well, fine how-do-you-do, isn’t it?

One of your men seems to have run amok.

Where is he?

He's over there. In the khazi.

Are they the bombs?

[Constable]
Yes, homemade variety if you ask me.

[sighs]

If they go up
the canal'll be held up for weeks.

Have you tried to dismantle them?

No.

Well, while’s he’s in there, this seems
like a good opportunity for you to,

dash across and cut the fuse wire.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Yes…

Except, of course,
he’s got the detonator in there with him,

and he’s watching us.

[man] Ah, come on!

Ain’t you going to do anything?

You leave it to us.

We are just appraising
the tactics of the situation.

Look, um… I’ll wander over
and engage him in conversation,

while you creep across
and dismantle the bombs.

I see…

Yes…

On the other hand,
it might be better if I talk to him,

the weight of the law so to speak,

while you dismantle the bombs.

Well, I don't see that…

I mean after all, as you rightly said,
you are the law.

On the other hand, they are your gates.

Yes, quite…

Tomkins,

you’re mechanically minded, you're always
fiddling about with your car.

Oh, I wouldn’t say that, sir.
I only tinker.

I don’t really think I'm qualified.

Well, you’re the one
who organizes the firework display.

Oh I know, sir, but there is a difference
between a bomb and a Roman candle.

I really don't feel I’m equipped, sir.

But nonsense, of course you are.
There’s absolutely no danger.

Besides, you’re the family man.

-Now all you’ve--
-I really don’t think I’m the man, sir.

I can’t order you to do this, Tomkins,

but I might just point out that it won’t
look very good on your promotion review.

-Yes, sir.
-Well?

No, sir.

Any volunteers
to help dismantle the bombs?

What’s happened to the British spirit?

A couple of homemade bombs
that probably won’t even go off.

Very well.

Look out, sir.

He's coming out.

Help me up, Tomkins.

I'll soon sort this out.

Now come along, Joe,
we can’t have this, you know.

It won’t do. Open the gates
and let the traffic through.

I'll open them
when the bloke who done it owns up.

Come now, Joe,
you’re being very unreasonable.

You can’t hold British Waterways
responsible for your daughter’s sex life.

You want them gates open,
find out who done it.

Now let’s talk about this sensibly.

Stay where you are.

[suspenseful music]

-You’ll get the sack, Joe.
-I don’t care.

You’ll lose your pension.
You’ll be turned out of your cottage.

Find out who it was.

I'm coming over, Joe.

Stay where you are.

I’m coming over… You won't shoot me.

We’ve known each other
for too many years, Joe.

[growling softly]

We're all very upset about Christine
but this isn’t going to help anybody.

We’ll start a fund or something.

I’m warning you, Albert!

[shouts]

-[loud thud]
-Look out, sir!

Hello, it's not Ramadan, is it?
Which way's the east then?

[panting softly]

That’s the second time you’ve done that,
Tomkins.

It did fall, sir, it did definitely fall.

Hello, Mr. Williams,
what’s all this about then?

Oh, hello Hemel.
It’s that old fool over there.

He’s gone off his head, he's threatening
to blow up the lock gates.

What, old Joe?

What’s he want to go
and do a thing like that for?

His daughter’s got a bun in the oven.

Oh my gawd.

[Williams]
She won’t tell him who the father is.

And he won’t open the gates
until he finds out.

I don’t suppose
you have any idea who it might be?

Me? No, no…

Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do.
We’ve tried reasoning with him.

Stubborn old fool…

Perhaps you’d like
to have a word with him.

No, I don't think there’s anything more
I can add. I'd best keep out of it.

I warned you. You’ve done it now,
ain’t you. What are you going to do?

Shut up! I’ve got to have time to think.

He'll kill me if he finds out.

Yeah, let’s back the boats up
and get out of here.

[woman] Here she is. Now we’ll find out.

[Christine] Oh, let me go!

[woman] Who do you think you are,
someone special?

[Christine] Oh, I’m not going to stay…

-Why don’t you tell us then?
-What?

Married, is he?

Can’t you get a single bloke?

She don't know who it is.
Had, too many of ’em.

Well, if I was your father,
I’d knock it out of you.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
carrying on with a married man.

-All sweet and innocent all this time.
-[laughing]

Go on, leave her alone! Clear out.
Leave her alone! Get out! Clear off!

-It's all right, yeah. It’s all right now.
-[sobbing]

-No it's not.
-It’s all right now.

You don't want to take any notice of them.

They're just jealous, that's all.

-[mumbling]
-There's no need for any crying.

[Hemel] It's all right.

Here! It's him!

Go on, clear off! Mind your own business,
you old crow! Clear off!

It is you, in'it? It’s you!

You're the one who’s got her like that.

-It’s him! He’s the one!
-We found him!

[woman] It's Hemel Pike!

[woman] That's who it is!

[indistinct chatter]

It isn't! It isn't him!

If it was you, own up.

All right. It was me. I did it!
Now are you satisfied?

He didn't!

It wasn't him! He's just saying that.

-It was me!
-I ought to know!

It must've been me.
Why do you keep saying it wasn't for?

[Christine inhales]

It was me, wasn't it?

Oh… of course, it was you…

Look. I'm not going to marry you
and nobody's going to make me.

You can’t have a baby without being
married. It’s… well, it’s not right.

Oh, can't I? I'm not going to live
on one of those things

and neither is my baby, so leave me alone!

All of you, leave me alone! Leave…

[ominous music]

It’s him… it’s him!

Is it him?

[whimpers]

-Is it?
-Yeah.

And I would like to take this opportunity
of asking your permission to marry her.

You bet your sweet life you are.

But first, I’m going to clobber you
from one end of this canal to the other.

[chuckles]

Before we start, there's one thing
that’s been bothering me.

-What’s that?
-When?

Oh… When you and my mate
go down to the pub.

Hah, so that’s what you call evensong, eh?

Yeah.

Well, you really fooled me.

[chuckling]

I’ve got to hand it to you.

[lighthearted music]

[engine rumbling]

[lighthearted music]

Oy!

Isn’t he going to work?

He got the sack again.

Hah, what happened this time?

Well, he… hit the foreman over the head
with a bottle.

That's his eighth job
in a fortnight, isn’t it?

I know it is!

Don’t keep on, there’s a good girl.

She's got a right to keep on.

Here you are verging on matrimony
and about to become a father with no job.

Well, I’m going after another one
this morning, aren’t I?

You’d better.

You’re not living here rent free.

You can get that idea
right out of your head.

You'll get your rent.

Though why I pay you anything for that
cupboard you’d give me, I don’t know.

Why can't I move in with--

You’re not going into her room.
Not until you’re wed.

What sort of house do you think this is?

Let’s have a sense of decency
around the place.

[cock crowing]

That’s my cup!
How many times have you got to be told?

And it’s still my house!

Gordon Bennett!

[tense music]

I’m going out.

Look, Dad, why won’t you leave him alone?

Bleeding layabout, I knew he was.

[uplifting music]

Oh, hello Ronnie.

Oh, hello Chris.

You've just missed Hemel.

-When's the wedding then?
-Next week.

How is he?

Oh, he's miserable. How are you?

Oh, I'm all right.
It's not the same without Hemel though.

I don't like working the boats on my Jack.

And all that paperwork,
I don't know what it’s about, do I?

[chuckles]

Still,
they'll be giving us the elbow soon.

Why?

Well, they’re taking all us narrow boats
off, they don’t pay their way.

Got about another 18 months.

Well, are you sure, Ronnie?
I mean there's always rumors.

Oh, no, no, it’s definite. It’s official.

Well the Waterways have told us,
ain’t they?

Another 18 months, there won’t be
a narrow boat left on these canals.

Good, ain’t it? After all these years.

-Ronnie…
-What?

Have you got a minute?

-Yeah, of course.
-Oh, good.

[excited chatter]

[man] Quiet, please. Quiet.
May we have quiet, please.

Now, nice big smile.

He said smile.

[photographer] That's better.

Thank you!

[excited chatter]

[excited chatter]

-Good luck, mate.
-Thank you, Ted!

How you getting on on the land?

Oh, marvelous. I start in
a plastic chandelier factory tomorrow.

Oh good!

[clears throat] Everybody got cake?

Yes.

That's good, right!

Quiet please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I just want to thank you for…

coming along,
here on this very happy and proud day

here for me, the occasion of my wedding…

-[laughter]
-I mean the… marriage of…

my lovely, sweet, beautiful
and pure daughter Christine to…

-to him…
-[chuckling]

I’m sure you'll all join me in wishing her

every happiness that she can get in…
the future.

Christine and Hemel!

Mr. and Mrs. Pike.

[all] Speech! Speech! Speech!

Come on, Hemel. Oh look, please, for me.

I want you to, please.

[clears throat]

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen…

friends, relatives.

I would like to say on behalf of me
and my wife, Mrs. Pike…

[grunting approvingly]

I… I would like to thank you all

for your very handsome presents,

which are on view in the kitchen
should anybody care to peruse them.

[crowd murmuring]

I should also like to thank Mr. Turnbull
for putting on such a grand spread.

I'm sure we’ve all enjoyed it.

Hear, hear.

Oh, you’re welcome, I'm sure.

I should also like to thank him
for marrying Mrs. Turnbull

and having such a lovely daughter.

I thank you.

[applause]

Well, yes, yes… Carry on drinking.

There’s a fresh barrel of beer out
on the lawn next to the how-do-you-do.

[laughing]

Lovely speech, Hemel.

Um, Hemel, there’s one more
wedding present, mine to you.

Oh? I wasn’t looking
for a wedding present from you.

Well, do you want to see it?

Yeah.

-Well, it’s outside.
-What's it doing out there?

Oh well, it’s too big to bring in.
Come on.

[uplifting music]

-They’re my old boats.
-Yes.

They got our names on.

Yes.

-Nice, aren’t they?
-Yeah. What are they doing here?

They’re ours.

-Ours?
-Ours.

Look, they’re our new home, Hemel.

I couldn’t bear you
looking unhappy any longer.

You mean,
you want to go on the canals with me?

Yes.

You want to work the butty boat with me?

Yes.

After all you said?

Yes!

What about the kid, his education?

Oh look, I might as well tell you, Hemel.

It’s only going to be
for another 18 months.

Eighteen months!

Yeah, they’re taking
all the narrow boats off, Hemel.

-What, official?
-Yeah.

Oh, that’s it then, in'it?

Well, it’s not worth bothering about,
is it?

Look, Hemel, there was Pikes
on this canal in the beginning

and there’s going to be at the end.
You, me and… well, us.

Look, 18 months isn’t going to make
much difference to me or the kid,

so stop arguing and get on that boat!

Well, go on, don’t hang about. There's
a load waiting for you at Birmingham.

What about my honeymoon?

Well…

It takes you three days
to get back to Brentford, doesn't it?

Oh, ain't it romantic, eh, Brentford.

[chuckling]

Oh god.
That means going through Rickmansworth.

Well, what’s wrong with that?

Oh nothing. Nothing. It’s a nice place.

[crowd cheering]

[engine starts]

[small boat captain] Thank you.

Ahoy there, captain.

Oh no! Not on my honeymoon!

Birmingham bound, I hear.
What luck, so am I.

We can go down in convoy.

Oh, what are we going to do?

I’m sorry, darling,
but we’re stuck with him.

[loud explosion]

That’s what done it, look. One of
your dad’s homemade bombs, in'it?

Here, get rid of it. He’ll be convinced
he’s been torpedoed.

Well, go on. Full speed ahead.

[bright uplifting music]

-Hey.
-What?

You can work the locks on your own,
can’t ya?

And don’t bang 'em about, eh?
There's a good boy.

[chuckling heartily]

[lighthearted music]