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1
00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,736
Is this Olaf's Diner?
2
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,307
Is Oscar Madison
having lunch there?
3
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,643
Well, if he comes in, would
you tell him that his secretary
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,446
is waiting at his
apartment for his column?
5
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,315
Thank you.
6
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:19,151
Myrna Turner.
7
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,786
Yeah, you sound cute, too, Olaf.
8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,355
Bye.
9
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,268
Did you locate
your prodigal boss?
10
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:26,292
Not yet.
11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,859
I tried every place he eats at:
12
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:31,497
The April Fool
Taco, Edible Eddie's.
13
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:34,299
Did you try his
new gourmet spot...
14
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,669
Hesh and Heidi's Nautical Nosh?
15
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,271
Not there either.
16
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,051
I found some marvelous
old photographs
17
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,486
I want to show you. Of what?
18
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,476
You as a baby on a bearskin rug?
19
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,292
I never posed on a bearskin rug.
20
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:52,017
I was always
allergic to animals.
21
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:53,685
Even stuffed ones.
22
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,854
What did you curl
up in your crib with?
23
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:59,724
A sponge.
24
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,193
There's me as a baby.
25
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,962
Oh, you sure had chubby cheeks.
26
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,130
Who's the man with you?
27
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,497
That's my Uncle Eric.
28
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,126
He had six fingers
on his right hand.
29
00:01:11,956 --> 00:01:14,516
I used to love to watch
him wave bye-bye.
30
00:01:17,862 --> 00:01:19,806
Oh, this is a nice one. Yeah.
31
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,008
That's Oscar and
Blanche's wedding picture.
32
00:01:22,032 --> 00:01:23,615
I don't understand.
33
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,184
I see you in an army uniform
34
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,751
and Mrs. Madison
in a wedding dress,
35
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,120
but I don't see Mr. Madison.
36
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:30,805
Oh, Oscar wasn't there.
37
00:02:03,673 --> 00:02:06,608
♪ ♪
38
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,675
♪ ♪
39
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:55,741
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
40
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,148
You mean, Mr. Madison
wasn't at his own wedding?
41
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,994
Well, he was there
for a little while.
42
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,062
Didn't he ever
tell you about it?
43
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,053
No. Tell me.
44
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,922
I love to hear the inside
stuff on Mr. Madison.
45
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:14,593
'Cause all I ever see on the
outside are ketchup stains.
46
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,729
Well, it all started when
we were in the army reserve.
47
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,565
We were just getting
ready to go away
48
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,233
for our annual two
weeks of summer camp.
49
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,218
In those days,
Oscar was a bachelor
50
00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,887
and Blanche was
trying to talk him out of it.
51
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:28,690
So she came over
to the apartment.
52
00:03:28,758 --> 00:03:30,625
Don't forget to check
my mail, Blanche.
53
00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:33,039
I'll forward anything
that looks important.
54
00:03:33,063 --> 00:03:36,832
What did you say the name
of your bookie was again?
55
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,766
I'm going to miss
your jokes, Blanche.
56
00:03:38,836 --> 00:03:40,479
Don't forget, don't touch
anything in the apartment.
57
00:03:40,503 --> 00:03:43,004
Everything is in
it's proper place.
58
00:03:43,073 --> 00:03:45,106
And you'll come every
night you'll feed the fish.
59
00:03:45,175 --> 00:03:47,809
Are you sure there's
something still alive in there?
60
00:03:47,878 --> 00:03:49,644
That tank is filthy.
61
00:03:49,713 --> 00:03:51,112
Food disappears every day.
62
00:03:51,181 --> 00:03:52,780
There must be
something under there.
63
00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:54,460
I'm going to clean
it while you're gone.
64
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,251
Why? The fish love it.
65
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,098
Instead of knocking
themselves out swimming,
66
00:03:58,122 --> 00:03:59,554
they just hang there.
67
00:03:59,622 --> 00:04:02,975
If it gets any thicker, they're
going to have to learn to walk.
68
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,959
I'm gonna miss you, Oscar.
69
00:04:08,983 --> 00:04:10,248
I'm gonna miss you, too, honey.
70
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,228
Do you know how
long we've been dating?
71
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,936
Three Kentucky Derbys.
72
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,139
That's three years.
73
00:04:17,207 --> 00:04:19,302
When a couple dates three years,
74
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:21,287
do you know what it means?
They can't get other dates.
75
00:04:21,311 --> 00:04:22,811
Aw...!
76
00:04:22,879 --> 00:04:24,256
I know what it means.
We're going steady.
77
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,525
Honey, if I don't
finish packing,
78
00:04:25,549 --> 00:04:26,715
I'm gonna be in trouble.
79
00:04:26,783 --> 00:04:28,249
Felix is going to
be here any minute.
80
00:04:28,318 --> 00:04:29,784
He's gonna drive me to camp.
81
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,853
Hope I have enough...
82
00:04:31,921 --> 00:04:34,488
Oscar... Yes.
83
00:04:34,557 --> 00:04:36,274
Do you love me?
84
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,226
Of course, I love you.
85
00:04:38,294 --> 00:04:40,679
If I didn't love you, I woulda
dumped you years ago.
86
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,981
You're so romantic.
87
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,884
Your silver tongue just
brought a tear to my eye.
88
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,318
I know what you mean, honey.
89
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:49,332
Two people love each other,
they go together three years,
90
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:51,138
it usually follows
they get married, right?
91
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,292
Right. I'd better
meet Felix downstairs.
92
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,660
Halt!
93
00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:57,378
Honey, I promise,
94
00:04:57,447 --> 00:04:59,358
the two weeks I'm
away, I'll think about it.
95
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:01,249
You've said that lots of times.
96
00:05:01,317 --> 00:05:03,852
I can't promise you I'm
always going to be here.
97
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,398
Come on, honey,
you'll always be here.
98
00:05:06,422 --> 00:05:08,123
I'm always here.
99
00:05:09,359 --> 00:05:11,599
Probably Felix.
100
00:05:13,931 --> 00:05:15,130
Hi, Felix.
101
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,403
Wow, Felix...
102
00:05:22,472 --> 00:05:24,183
Lieutenant Unger,
Private Madison.
103
00:05:24,207 --> 00:05:25,284
Time to ship out.
104
00:05:25,308 --> 00:05:26,808
Boy, you look great.
105
00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:29,327
Little blood and guts.
106
00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:30,662
Hi, Felix.
107
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,447
Blanche...!
108
00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:35,233
I didn't know you were here.
109
00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:37,569
Am I interrupting anything?
110
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,171
No, just a proposal.
111
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,508
Oscar, you old... oh,
112
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,194
it couldn't happen
to two nicer people.
113
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:50,264
No, no, I proposed to Oscar
and he turned me down.
114
00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:51,766
Better mind my own beeswax.
115
00:05:51,835 --> 00:05:53,046
That's a good idea.
116
00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:55,336
Off we go, it's 0900 hours.
117
00:05:55,405 --> 00:05:58,006
That's army talk, Blanche. Oh.
118
00:05:58,075 --> 00:05:59,075
Let's go, Madison.
119
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,319
Hold your horses.
120
00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:01,509
Hold your horses?
121
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:03,277
Look at these, buster.
122
00:06:03,346 --> 00:06:05,062
You're talking to
an officer, soldier.
123
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,943
Sorry, sir. I beg
your pardon, sir.
124
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,549
Oscar, when we get to camp,
125
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,229
I've got to treat you
just like everybody else,
126
00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:11,397
do you understand?
I understand that.
127
00:06:11,421 --> 00:06:12,899
Now, a friend of
mine's driving us there,
128
00:06:12,923 --> 00:06:14,088
Corporal Murray Greshler.
129
00:06:14,157 --> 00:06:16,591
He's a cop, he's
a very nice guy.
130
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:17,660
When you meet him,
131
00:06:17,727 --> 00:06:19,243
don't say anything
about his nose.
132
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,728
Okay.
133
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,997
Let's go. Bye.
134
00:06:23,066 --> 00:06:25,033
Oh, honey.
135
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,021
Something about a soldier
saying good-bye to his girl.
136
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,577
Come on, soldier, roll the dice.
137
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,046
Seven come eleven.
138
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,289
Hey, Madison, old buddy,
139
00:06:48,358 --> 00:06:49,502
will you change my sawbuck?
140
00:06:49,526 --> 00:06:50,708
Sure will.
141
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:52,821
Boy, it's like Monte
Carlo in that latrine.
142
00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:54,329
Yeah, it's a fun latrine.
143
00:06:54,398 --> 00:06:56,325
Hey, thanks for bringing
all the equipment, babe.
144
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,627
You sure you don't want to play?
145
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,261
Naw, I gotta write
this letter to my girl.
146
00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:02,103
Hey, the rumor is that you
know Blanche Summers
147
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,605
from Kew Gardens. Is that true?
148
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:04,772
Yeah, you know her?
149
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,274
Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.
150
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,810
She was engaged to
my buddy Cecil Panche.
151
00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:12,613
This guy Cecil Panche, was
he really gonna marry her?
152
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,216
Yeah. Yeah.
153
00:07:14,284 --> 00:07:15,316
Hey, hey! Hey!
154
00:07:15,385 --> 00:07:16,835
MP! MP!
155
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,386
No, no, it's just Murray.
156
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,190
Hi, Oscar.
157
00:07:22,259 --> 00:07:23,903
Hey, what should we do tonight?
158
00:07:23,927 --> 00:07:25,326
I don't know. Nothing, I guess.
159
00:07:25,395 --> 00:07:27,473
Oh. Listen, the
medics are showing
160
00:07:27,497 --> 00:07:28,847
those hygiene films again.
161
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,393
You wanna go? What for?
162
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:31,577
I know how to brush my teeth.
163
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,896
Not back and forth, up and down.
164
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,254
No, it's the sex hygiene one.
165
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,924
You know, "Men, don't
let this happen to you."
166
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,521
Nothing's gonna happen to me,
167
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,862
'cause I'm gonna
stay in tonight.
168
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,909
Aw, come on, let's do something.
169
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,867
Hey, let's go into town
and dance up a storm.
170
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,719
The Eagles Club is having
a big Charleston contest.
171
00:07:51,788 --> 00:07:54,973
You know... ♪
Da, da, da, da... ♪
172
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,254
Murray... I'll take every
prize they got, Oscar.
173
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,011
Look, Murray, I'd
rather be alone, okay?
174
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,846
Oh. Anything wrong?
175
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:03,943
No, it's just that somebody's
dancing in front of me
176
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:05,261
while I'm trying to
think and write a letter.
177
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,530
Okay, okay. Don't be so touchy.
178
00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:11,088
I mean, camaraderie is part
of being in the army, Oscar.
179
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,458
If you don't want to
comarade with me, that's okay.
180
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:14,793
Don't worry about it.
181
00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,821
Listen, I'll just
take a rain check.
182
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,215
Lieutenant's coming!
183
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,457
Ten hut!
184
00:08:29,525 --> 00:08:30,805
At ease, men.
185
00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:35,696
This is for your orientation.
186
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,566
Men, we're a
special services unit.
187
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,009
We're not artillery,
infantry or tankers.
188
00:08:48,077 --> 00:08:49,077
We're entertainers.
189
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,361
Our weapons
190
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,580
are mirth, merriment and music.
191
00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:55,567
While you're here
at Fort Ira Epstein,
192
00:08:55,635 --> 00:09:01,573
you will be required to think,
dress and behave like soldiers.
193
00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:04,141
If any one of you
wants to test my mettle,
194
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,428
you'll find that I'm a rock.
195
00:09:07,497 --> 00:09:10,481
On the other hand, if
you have a problem,
196
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:13,184
I hope you'll think
of me as a buddy.
197
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,620
'Cause I also have a heart.
198
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:19,925
I'm known as the
rock with a heart.
199
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,476
Any questions?
200
00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,228
Do we get weekend passes, sir?
201
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:24,412
Affirmative.
202
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,564
If you pass inspection tomorrow.
203
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:31,318
And I expect every man in
my outfit to pass inspection.
204
00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:32,865
Fortunately, we
have in our midst
205
00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:36,157
the perfect example
of what not to do.
206
00:09:36,226 --> 00:09:39,426
Step forward, soldier.
207
00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:40,795
Me, sir?
208
00:09:40,864 --> 00:09:42,944
Unless your feet are
stuck in the debris.
209
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,553
Look at this soldier.
210
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:51,222
In any other army in the
world, he'd be shot on sight.
211
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:57,695
Did you bring your
bunk from home?
212
00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:01,649
Uniform of the day is fatigues,
Madison, not exhaustion.
213
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,904
Is that cap regulation?
214
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,672
For the New York
Yankees it is, sir.
215
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,676
Don't encourage him,
men. Don't encourage him.
216
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,756
But if you really want to laugh,
217
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,381
let's look at his foot locker.
218
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,010
Open your locker, Madison.
219
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,213
It's not a foot locker,
it's a delicatessen.
220
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,228
Our objective, men,
221
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,999
is to pull this man through
inspection tomorrow.
222
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:39,120
Because a good
soldier is a clean soldier,
223
00:10:39,188 --> 00:10:43,024
and a clean soldier
is a good soldier,
224
00:10:43,093 --> 00:10:46,294
and a good, clean
soldier is good.
225
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,450
Dismissed.
226
00:10:57,340 --> 00:10:58,439
How was I?
227
00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:03,822
What's the matter with Madison?
228
00:11:03,846 --> 00:11:05,258
He didn't take this
personally, did he?
229
00:11:05,282 --> 00:11:06,847
I was just using
him as an example.
230
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:07,927
Oh, I don't think so.
231
00:11:07,951 --> 00:11:09,650
He's been kind of glum.
232
00:11:09,719 --> 00:11:13,088
I think his trouble's
back H-O-M-E.
233
00:11:13,156 --> 00:11:14,922
Home. Ah.
234
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:17,192
Well, I'll have to look into it.
235
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,993
How's your morale, Greshler?
236
00:11:19,062 --> 00:11:21,228
Comme si, comme ca, sir.
237
00:11:21,297 --> 00:11:24,749
Fellas making fun of your nose?
238
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,217
Saying "why do
we need artillery,
239
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:29,053
we've got Greshler's nose."
240
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:32,490
"The army can't find
a gas mask to fit him."
241
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,593
"When he looks up, it
looks like a two-car garage."
242
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:38,222
I've never heard
that one before, sir.
243
00:11:38,247 --> 00:11:40,614
I've heard it.
244
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:42,033
They're saying that, Greshler.
245
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,419
What do you have on your arm?
246
00:11:44,488 --> 00:11:45,853
Military police.
247
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:47,755
And you wear it with pride.
248
00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:50,125
Wear your nose with pride.
249
00:11:50,193 --> 00:11:51,826
You were issued it.
250
00:11:51,894 --> 00:11:54,095
Push back your cap and
let the world see your nose.
251
00:11:54,164 --> 00:11:55,164
Dismissed.
252
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:56,478
Thank you, sir.
253
00:12:05,775 --> 00:12:08,476
Hiya, doughboy.
254
00:12:08,545 --> 00:12:10,745
Got any problems?
255
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,347
Oh, forget the bars. Come on.
256
00:12:12,415 --> 00:12:14,249
This is... let's
you and me talk.
257
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:15,350
That's an order.
258
00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:17,318
It's Blanche.
259
00:12:17,387 --> 00:12:19,787
The girls we leave behind.
260
00:12:19,856 --> 00:12:21,550
Felix, I called her
when we got here.
261
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,585
She was having a party.
262
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,086
There were a lot of guys there.
263
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:26,055
See, she's a terrific girl.
I don't want to lose her.
264
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,896
What does your heart say?
265
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:31,165
My heart says marry her, but
I can't get my mouth to say it.
266
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:35,719
Well, I, myself, am shy,
but I think I can help you.
267
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,099
No, Felix. Thanks.
268
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,901
But this time, I
gotta do it myself.
269
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,936
You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm going to call her. Aw...
270
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,271
Yeah, I'm going to tell
her to come here tomorrow
271
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,338
and I'm going to marry her.
272
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:44,295
That's what I'm going to do.
273
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:45,663
I didn't say "dismissed"!
274
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:46,898
You're not dismissed
275
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,444
till I say you're dismissed.
276
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,769
I'm going to let it
go this time, but...
277
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:58,788
Here you go, Operator.
278
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,456
Give me a clear
connection, will you?
279
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,013
The main thing is,
be calm. Be calm.
280
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:04,916
This is the most
important decision
281
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,651
you'll ever make in your life.
282
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,453
If you make a mistake now,
283
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,438
you're going to pay
for it as long as you live.
284
00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:13,920
Felix, do me a favor, will you?
285
00:13:13,944 --> 00:13:15,376
Don't calm me down.
286
00:13:15,445 --> 00:13:17,339
Hello, Blanche. How are you?
287
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,447
Huh? Oscar. I can
hardly hear you.
288
00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:23,751
What are you doing?
Having another party?
289
00:13:23,819 --> 00:13:25,779
Who's there? Cecil
Panche is there?
290
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,617
Keep calm. Another
party with Cecil Panche.
291
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,741
State your case now.
Be calm. Be romantic.
292
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:35,713
I wanna... What I wanna... I
wanna... You... Blanche, I...
293
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,818
Blanche, I want...
294
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,139
I want... I want...
295
00:13:45,207 --> 00:13:46,641
I want to have time to think.
296
00:13:46,709 --> 00:13:48,487
Here. You talk to her
while I find the right words.
297
00:13:48,511 --> 00:13:50,378
Go ahead. Hi, Blanche.
298
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:52,563
Lieutenant Unger here.
299
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,576
Yes. Oh, everything's
wonderful, Blanche.
300
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,233
Yeah. Just fine.
301
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,180
Why should I lie
to you, Blanche?
302
00:13:58,204 --> 00:13:59,771
It's a snake pit.
303
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,239
The men hate me,
Blanche. I'm a rotten officer.
304
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:05,910
I don't have any leadership
qualities. I never did.
305
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,790
Even as a kid, I
wasn't a leader.
306
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,246
They made me crosswalk monitor.
307
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:10,459
I was supposed
to show the parents
308
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:11,949
where to park their cars.
309
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,496
The parents used to stick
out their hands for a left turn,
310
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,546
and hit me behind the ear.
311
00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:16,554
I found the right words.
Give me the phone.
312
00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:17,850
Same thing in high school.
313
00:14:17,874 --> 00:14:19,085
I was president of
the German Club.
314
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,541
Nobody would listen to me.
315
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,788
If you can't get Germans
to follow orders, who will?
316
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,595
Give me the phone, will ya?
317
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:25,975
I don't want to
lose the right words.
318
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,576
Of course the men salute
me, but do they love me?
319
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,184
Give me the phone!
Hello, Blanche. This is...
320
00:14:30,252 --> 00:14:31,564
Operator, what do you
mean, my time is up?
321
00:14:31,588 --> 00:14:33,666
I just started talking! I
don't have any more.
322
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:35,551
Give me some change. I
gave you all my change.
323
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,453
How do you know?
Check! I don't have to check.
324
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,521
I know every item on my person.
325
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,755
I have my comb, I
have my wallet, I have...
326
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,529
Listen, Blanche. Blanche?
327
00:14:41,597 --> 00:14:44,432
Operator, please,
it'll only take a second!
328
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:45,699
No. Don't cut me off.
329
00:14:45,768 --> 00:14:47,513
No. Don't... She's
going to disconnect me.
330
00:14:47,537 --> 00:14:48,969
Tell Blanche to call you back.
331
00:14:49,038 --> 00:14:51,598
Yeah! Blanche, call me back.
332
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:55,602
I didn't give her the number.
333
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,429
Banzai!
334
00:14:58,497 --> 00:14:59,764
What are you doing?
335
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,733
Don't! You're destroying
government property!
336
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,768
Save that for the enemy.
337
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,271
Uncle Sam caught you!
338
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:13,277
Hello? Blanche!
339
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,412
How did you know
where to call me?
340
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,648
The operator gave
her the number!
341
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,983
Of course.
342
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,000
Honey, I love you,
and I want to marry you.
343
00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:22,019
Yeah. Tomorrow
morning, I want you
344
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,899
to get the first bus to
Abnerville, Connecticut.
345
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,923
Yeah. I love you, too.
346
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,191
Bye-bye, honey.
347
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,027
We better get out of
here before we get caught.
348
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:34,131
War is hell.
349
00:15:44,326 --> 00:15:46,872
Where's the justice
of the peace?
350
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:48,140
He said he'd be here early.
351
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,930
He'll be here.
352
00:15:49,999 --> 00:15:51,959
Blanche? Blanche,
you almost ready?
353
00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:53,568
Yes. I'm just fixing my veil.
354
00:15:53,636 --> 00:15:54,969
You look... you look beaut...
355
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,371
Felix, will you calm down?
356
00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:57,583
The groom is
supposed to be nervous,
357
00:15:57,607 --> 00:15:59,807
not the best man.
358
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:01,687
You've got to get back to
camp and pass inspection.
359
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:02,855
I'm not worried about
that stupid inspection.
360
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,490
You'll pass me.
It's not up to me.
361
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:07,381
Colonel Wyatt's inspecting
today, and he's in a foul mood.
362
00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,150
One of the cooks went berserk
363
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,499
and tried to strangle him
with a string of sausages.
364
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,889
Have you got the ring?
365
00:16:14,958 --> 00:16:16,874
Yes, I've got it.
Will you relax?
366
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,293
Why not? I'm not the
one who's getting married.
367
00:16:19,361 --> 00:16:22,997
Well, am I too late?
368
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,699
Fire! Fire! Felix.
369
00:16:24,768 --> 00:16:27,012
Hold it. Hold it.
There's no fire here.
370
00:16:27,036 --> 00:16:28,930
I'm the justice of the peace.
371
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,655
I'm also a volunteer fireman.
372
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:34,158
I also raise chinchillas,
if you'd like to buy
373
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,738
the little woman a
coat for her anniversary.
374
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,890
All right, I'm the groom.
Can we get started, please?
375
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:41,598
Just as soon as I take
off my big yellow hat.
376
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,336
Blanche? Blanche, we're
ready now. Blanche...
377
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:48,885
She's not here. What do
you mean, she's not here?
378
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,561
Oh, honey, you look beautiful.
379
00:16:53,629 --> 00:16:55,407
Sure. For a woman who
just climbed out a window.
380
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,297
Who yelled, "Fire!"?
381
00:16:59,836 --> 00:17:02,069
It was a mistake.
We're ready now.
382
00:17:02,138 --> 00:17:04,432
Shall we take our places?
383
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,935
The bride will enter
through that door.
384
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,937
Crystal, dear, are you ready?
385
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,372
So beautiful,
Blanche, I'm so sorry.
386
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,913
What is that? It's my treat.
387
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:14,932
I paid five dollars
extra for music.
388
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,178
A couple extra bucks,
389
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,762
you could have
gotten Pluto, too.
390
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:21,364
Shall we take our places?
391
00:17:22,992 --> 00:17:25,827
Now, the bride will
enter with the music.
392
00:17:25,895 --> 00:17:28,395
Go ahead, Crystal.
393
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,848
Go... go back
394
00:17:35,872 --> 00:17:37,872
and start again.
She can do it right.
395
00:17:39,793 --> 00:17:41,942
It was just fine.
396
00:17:42,011 --> 00:17:43,694
Crystal likes to do it right.
397
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:44,774
It helps her confidence.
398
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:47,665
Oh, huh.
399
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,644
Play it again, Crystal.
400
00:17:57,126 --> 00:17:59,760
Go... go back again.
401
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:03,964
Maybe you'd like to play
another piece, sweetheart.
402
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:06,317
Maybe Crystal
would like to hum it.
403
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:10,226
This man has got to be back
at the base in 20 minutes.
404
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,124
Very well. Crystal, play
what you know best, dear.
405
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:31,192
Do you, Oscar Trevor
Madison, take Blanche Summers
406
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:32,526
as your lawful wedded wife?
407
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,211
I do.
408
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,524
And do you, Blanche, take Oscar
409
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,365
as your lawful
wedded husband? I do.
410
00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:40,985
Then, by the power vested in
me by the state of Connecticut,
411
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,053
I pronounce you man and wife.
412
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,082
You may kiss the
bride on the mouth.
413
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:48,809
Hi, Mrs. Madison.
414
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:51,829
Hiya, husband.
415
00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:01,350
You gotta get back to camp.
416
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:02,990
Yeah. I hate to kiss and run.
417
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:04,236
Listen, Felix will
take you to the hotel.
418
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:05,437
I'll meet you there
later. Okay, honey?
419
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:06,888
Yeah. And please
pass that inspection.
420
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,230
I don't want to spend
my wedding night alone.
421
00:19:09,299 --> 00:19:11,143
Don't forget to check
your hospital corners!
422
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:14,001
Bye-bye.
423
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,402
Picture time.
424
00:19:15,471 --> 00:19:17,504
It's all part of the price.
425
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,673
Where's the groom?
426
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:20,874
He had to go.
427
00:19:20,943 --> 00:19:22,054
Have your picture taken,
Blanche. It's paid for.
428
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:25,378
Oh, no. A picture of
a bride alone is sad.
429
00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:28,215
I know. Why don't you
have a picture taken with me?
430
00:19:28,283 --> 00:19:29,867
It'll confuse people someday.
431
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:34,104
You've got my sense
of humor, Blanche.
432
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:37,708
I'm not the groom, Crystal.
433
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:40,745
Don't throw rice, Crystal.
434
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:42,958
You're annoying us, Crystal.
435
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:46,133
How would you like a whack
on your Mousketeer hat, kid?
436
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:51,371
You'll be a good mother
someday, Blanche.
437
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:05,470
Lieutenant...
438
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:06,649
I'm sorry, sir, that I'm not
439
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:07,799
wearing the uniform of the day.
440
00:20:07,823 --> 00:20:09,874
You are.
441
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,687
Well, you're
wearing a scarf, sir.
442
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:12,943
Well, I have to.
443
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,446
I have sausage burns.
444
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,681
I'm sorry, sir.
445
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,250
Lieutenant, come
over here for a minute.
446
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,052
Yes, sir.
447
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:25,088
Did you notice, in one
of the soldier's lockers,
448
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,073
there are three dresses?
449
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,992
That's Kojeck, sir.
450
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,207
He's a professional
female impersonator.
451
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:35,071
But I made sure every one of
those pleats is razor sharp, sir.
452
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,218
Will you put the men
at ease, Lieutenant?
453
00:20:37,286 --> 00:20:39,753
At ease!
454
00:20:42,391 --> 00:20:48,545
Men, I am very pleased
with these quarters.
455
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,615
You all pass inspection.
456
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,518
Even you, Madison.
457
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,070
As I recall, last year
458
00:20:56,138 --> 00:20:59,640
we had to send your stuff
to the demolition squad.
459
00:20:59,709 --> 00:21:02,125
I'm a new man, sir.
460
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,662
Good. Well, you'll
all get your passes.
461
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:05,731
Dismissed.
462
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,834
Not so fast.
463
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:14,454
Your pass for the
weekend is rescinded.
464
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,557
But you said, sir, I passed
inspection. Yes, you did.
465
00:21:17,626 --> 00:21:19,988
But you're being punished for
destroying government property.
466
00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,529
What government property?
467
00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:22,707
You destroyed a telephone
468
00:21:22,731 --> 00:21:24,910
in the recreation
room yesterday.
469
00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:27,368
Oh, it must have been
somebody else, sir. Not me.
470
00:21:27,437 --> 00:21:28,646
Look, tonight is my
wedding night, sir.
471
00:21:28,670 --> 00:21:30,104
It was you.
472
00:21:30,172 --> 00:21:32,732
Lieutenant Unger here
filed a full report on it.
473
00:21:34,493 --> 00:21:36,527
That will be all.
474
00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:42,299
You will spend this weekend
right here in these barracks.
475
00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:48,438
What have I done?
476
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:49,606
Oscar, if I had known
477
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:51,175
they were going
to cancel your pass
478
00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:53,210
and ruin your honeymoon,
479
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:54,645
I'd never have
reported you today.
480
00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:55,834
I'd have waited till Monday.
481
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:12,613
Hi.
482
00:22:12,681 --> 00:22:15,382
A penny for your thoughts.
483
00:22:15,451 --> 00:22:18,835
A dollar for your death.
484
00:22:18,904 --> 00:22:24,675
Oscar, a fighting force
is not run on sentiment.
485
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:27,627
What I see, I must report.
486
00:22:27,696 --> 00:22:29,729
I'm an officer. I've
got to do my duty,
487
00:22:29,799 --> 00:22:31,460
even at the risk of
losing your friendship.
488
00:22:31,484 --> 00:22:34,551
Well, you risked
it, and you lost it!
489
00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:39,990
But what I don't
see, I can't report.
490
00:22:40,059 --> 00:22:43,561
Now I'm dismissing myself,
491
00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:48,915
and all I see is a soldier
sitting alone in the barracks.
492
00:22:48,984 --> 00:22:51,484
Blanche! No names, please.
493
00:22:51,553 --> 00:22:54,254
Just a soldier,
and a guard on duty
494
00:22:54,323 --> 00:22:55,755
so they won't be disturbed.
495
00:22:55,824 --> 00:22:57,486
I'm an officer and a gentleman.
496
00:22:57,510 --> 00:22:58,658
Hi, honey.
497
00:22:58,727 --> 00:23:03,397
Hi. Felix gave me this
bottle of champagne,
498
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,277
but I'm not really thirsty.
499
00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:06,801
Oh, neither am I.
500
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:14,724
Hey, did you ever really
consider marrying Cecil Panche?
501
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:19,813
Oh, no. I couldn't go through
life as Blanche Panche.
502
00:23:21,784 --> 00:23:24,417
There's no TV
in here, or radios.
503
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:26,520
Just a lot of beds, you know?
504
00:23:26,588 --> 00:23:28,822
I wore my nightie
over under my coat.
505
00:23:28,891 --> 00:23:30,941
I didn't want to
change in the latrine.
506
00:23:31,010 --> 00:23:34,078
Are you sure you don't mind?
507
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,390
I mean, coming up to Connecticut
508
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,647
on one day's notice,
and that crazy wedding.
509
00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:39,650
And now the honeymoon
suite is an army barracks.
510
00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:41,518
It could have been worse.
511
00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:42,831
We could have been
married in New York,
512
00:23:42,855 --> 00:23:43,899
and then we would
have had to spend
513
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,300
our wedding night
in your bedroom.
514
00:23:48,043 --> 00:23:49,821
Is that you, Greshler?
515
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,640
Yes, sir. Guarding
the area, sir.
516
00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:53,280
Good. Did you bring
your harmonica?
517
00:23:53,349 --> 00:23:54,281
Yes, sir.
518
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,782
Why don't you play it?
519
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:57,131
Right, sir.
520
00:24:42,915 --> 00:24:45,850
Hey! Hey! Hey!
521
00:24:53,259 --> 00:24:54,539
Hi, Felix.
522
00:24:54,593 --> 00:24:55,659
Where have you been?
523
00:24:55,728 --> 00:24:57,027
Myrna couldn't wait.
524
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:58,473
I had to cover the racetrack.
525
00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,763
Until this hour?
526
00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:01,665
Took me that long
to borrow carfare.
527
00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:06,070
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
528
00:25:06,138 --> 00:25:07,850
What are you doing?
Looking at old pictures?
529
00:25:07,874 --> 00:25:11,452
Yes. What do you see in
that picture, Oscar Madison?
530
00:25:11,476 --> 00:25:13,944
Do you see a girl whose
hopes were shattered
531
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:16,163
by your irresponsibility,
532
00:25:16,232 --> 00:25:18,710
your gambling, your
all-around sloppiness?
533
00:25:18,734 --> 00:25:22,019
Tell me, Oscar Madison.
What do you see?
534
00:25:22,088 --> 00:25:23,820
Some guy with six fingers.
35897
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