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1
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:05,137
Oscar...
2
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,773
You promised to take your things
3
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,876
to the dry cleaner's
today, remember?
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,313
Never mind, I'll do it.
5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,442
They don't need it.
6
00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:17,599
This doesn't need it?
7
00:00:17,635 --> 00:00:19,034
I only wore it once.
8
00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:21,286
Where? To bed?
9
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,024
It looks as though it's
too late for this little guy.
10
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,126
Felix, they're mine.
11
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:30,745
We know that, but mine
have to hang up next to them.
12
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:33,632
I wish you would
hang up next to them.
13
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,667
What's this?
14
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,036
Poor baby.
15
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,804
Born a shirt, died a rag.
16
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,724
Not dead... only wounded.
17
00:00:42,759 --> 00:00:46,127
I'll save your
life, little shirt.
18
00:00:46,163 --> 00:00:48,129
You're lucky you room with a guy
19
00:00:48,165 --> 00:00:50,125
who makes you
laugh, you know that?
20
00:00:51,201 --> 00:00:52,951
Here's a good game...
21
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,786
Try to find the original crease.
22
00:00:56,923 --> 00:01:01,192
Oscar, how can
you do this to me?
23
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,229
This is my health
insurance payment.
24
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:07,165
I gave you this to
mail... over a month ago.
25
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,478
Oh, I forgot. Leave it here.
26
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,168
I'll mail it tomorrow.
27
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:11,169
It's too late now.
28
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:13,438
My period of grace has expired.
29
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,474
Oscar!
30
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:15,907
What?!
31
00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:18,176
If I get sick now
I'm not insured.
32
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,412
♪ ♪
33
00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:28,463
♪ ♪
34
00:02:39,943 --> 00:02:44,279
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
35
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,052
Why are you honking?
36
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,565
A minute ago you
were feeling fine.
37
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,457
A minute ago I could afford to
feel fine. I thought I was insured.
38
00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:56,891
What if I catch something now?
39
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:59,455
Call the insurance company.
They'll be sympathetic.
40
00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:02,447
Skyscrapers aren't built
on sympathy, buster.
41
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,149
What are you talking about?
42
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,311
Your insurance
agent is your friend.
43
00:03:05,335 --> 00:03:06,796
Call him up, he'll help you.
44
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,087
Oh, yeah, Ed Green...
Yeah, he likes me.
45
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:10,555
I'll call Ed Green.
46
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,657
The guy loves me. Yeah.
47
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,042
Hmm. You call him.
48
00:03:15,078 --> 00:03:17,245
Why? The guy doesn't love me.
49
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,347
You used the phone last.
50
00:03:19,382 --> 00:03:21,316
I don't want to
catch a virus now.
51
00:03:21,351 --> 00:03:24,669
Viri attack people who
don't have coverage.
52
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,705
Come on.
53
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,151
All right, stop honking
and I'll call him.
54
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,286
Gimme that number.
55
00:03:33,197 --> 00:03:35,363
I feel better.
56
00:03:35,398 --> 00:03:36,664
Good old Ed Green.
57
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,633
Sent me a calendar
for Christmas.
58
00:03:38,668 --> 00:03:40,788
Naked lady falling off
a ladder in her home.
59
00:03:42,172 --> 00:03:43,972
Hello. Ed Green, please.
60
00:03:44,008 --> 00:03:45,774
I see.
61
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,075
Thank you.
62
00:03:47,111 --> 00:03:48,743
Start honking. He was fired.
63
00:03:51,782 --> 00:03:53,348
Oh, they'll cancel me for sure.
64
00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:54,794
They've been
looking for an excuse
65
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,301
to get rid of me for years.
66
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,285
So have I.
67
00:03:57,321 --> 00:04:00,705
They fired Ed to get to me.
68
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,107
I don't blame them. You
know, you once put in a claim
69
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,526
because a barber took
too much off the top.
70
00:04:05,562 --> 00:04:08,179
He also nicked me.
71
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,276
I was covered for that under
my general abrasion policy.
72
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,567
Ah, Felix, you put
in for more claims
73
00:04:12,602 --> 00:04:14,435
than the Flying Wallendas.
74
00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:17,472
It doesn't bother you at all
that I'm not covered, does it?
75
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:20,041
This is all your fault.
Let this be on your head.
76
00:04:20,076 --> 00:04:22,421
What happened to Bozo Unger,
the guy who always made me laugh?
77
00:04:22,445 --> 00:04:24,457
All right, it was my fault,
I'll do something about it.
78
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:25,692
I'll help you.
79
00:04:25,716 --> 00:04:27,494
You're not gonna help
by cleaning your desk out.
80
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,484
You're just raising more dust.
81
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:30,897
Hey, insurance
agent, friend of mine,
82
00:04:30,921 --> 00:04:32,632
and I'll call him to
come right over...
83
00:04:32,656 --> 00:04:33,822
What company is he from?
84
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:36,224
Lloyd's of Lubbock?
85
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,562
He's a race track
crony of yours?
86
00:04:40,597 --> 00:04:42,313
Yeah, but he's legit.
87
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:44,509
He insures all the
jockeys in case they grow.
88
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,689
So a couple of guys named Lloyd
got together and started this company.
89
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,218
I don't see a New York office.
90
00:04:52,242 --> 00:04:54,054
You have an office
here, right, Lloyd?
91
00:04:54,078 --> 00:04:55,576
Oh, sure, right here.
92
00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:56,761
Here, in this building?
93
00:04:56,797 --> 00:05:00,064
No, no, here in this apartment.
94
00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:01,939
I don't have an office office.
95
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,079
Wherever I'm sitting at
the time, that's my office.
96
00:05:04,103 --> 00:05:05,214
Cuts down on the overhead.
97
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,499
Passes the savings on to you.
98
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:07,822
I see.
99
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:12,093
All right, now, shall
we talk insurance?
100
00:05:12,129 --> 00:05:13,478
Now, um...
101
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:15,625
how much were you paying
through your previous company?
102
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,115
$200.
103
00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:20,852
$200... huh...
104
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,337
Don't you have a piece
of paper you can write on?
105
00:05:23,373 --> 00:05:26,240
Paper costs money, Mr. Unger.
106
00:05:26,276 --> 00:05:28,576
Money is overhead,
overhead is higher rates.
107
00:05:28,612 --> 00:05:30,978
That's why I can give
you complete coverage
108
00:05:31,014 --> 00:05:33,481
for half of what
you were paying.
109
00:05:33,517 --> 00:05:35,216
$150.
110
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:40,204
Sir, $150 is not half of $200.
111
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,124
He's right, Lloyd.
112
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,193
I'll show you.
113
00:05:45,228 --> 00:05:47,195
$200 divided by two...
114
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,630
That's one... that's $100.
115
00:05:48,665 --> 00:05:51,349
A little error in arithmetic.
116
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:56,971
Complete coverage,
Mr. Unger... $100.
117
00:05:57,007 --> 00:05:58,923
That's great, Felix.
118
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:00,875
Oh, come on, forget the style...
119
00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:02,877
At least you're insured.
That's important.
120
00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:05,797
Just shake this hand, Mr. Unger,
and you are insured as of now.
121
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,066
Don't I have to sign
any papers or anything?
122
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:11,252
We trust you at Lloyds.
123
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:15,440
Our motto, sir, is:
"Insurance by Handshake."
124
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,591
So give me your paw
125
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,572
and $100 and we'll
mail you a policy.
126
00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,262
But he'll be insured
as of now, right?
127
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:22,775
As soon as he shakes my hand.
128
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,078
Oh, I have to clear it with
the home office. In Lubbock?
129
00:06:25,102 --> 00:06:26,651
No, in Buenos Aires.
130
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:29,270
Argentina?
131
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:32,540
Well, now, Argentina
is just a mailing address
132
00:06:32,575 --> 00:06:34,342
we use for tax purposes.
133
00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:36,588
Oscar, please ask
this gentleman to leave.
134
00:06:36,612 --> 00:06:38,579
This is a solid
company, Mr. Unger.
135
00:06:38,614 --> 00:06:40,648
The military junta is behind us.
136
00:06:40,683 --> 00:06:41,649
That's it.
137
00:06:41,684 --> 00:06:44,785
All right, come on,
one little handshake.
138
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,921
Not business, just social.
139
00:06:46,957 --> 00:06:47,922
Good-bye, Mr. Lloyd.
140
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,157
I think you lost him, Lloyd.
141
00:06:49,192 --> 00:06:51,092
Well, win some, lose some.
142
00:06:51,127 --> 00:06:52,805
I'll see you at the
racetrack this afternoon.
143
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,363
You're insured,
Oscar. Oh, cut it out.
144
00:06:58,068 --> 00:07:00,434
He's the only
insurance agent I know.
145
00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:01,680
You're not going
to the racetrack
146
00:07:01,704 --> 00:07:02,781
with Lloyd or anybody else.
147
00:07:02,805 --> 00:07:03,883
You're going with me.
148
00:07:03,907 --> 00:07:05,451
Where? To my old
insurance company.
149
00:07:05,475 --> 00:07:08,020
We're going to beg them to give
me a physical and reinsure me.
150
00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:09,277
What do you need me for?
151
00:07:09,312 --> 00:07:11,290
To make sure nothing
happens to me on the way.
152
00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:13,226
A minor accident
could wipe me out.
153
00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,017
I can get struck by lightning,
I can get bitten by a dog,
154
00:07:16,052 --> 00:07:17,480
I can get kicked by a horse.
155
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,471
All right. I'll handcuff you.
156
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,401
I'll send you by
diplomatic pouch.
157
00:07:21,425 --> 00:07:22,518
You owe me.
158
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:23,542
Okay.
159
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,628
You see? I wasn't
prepared for that accident.
160
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,230
What accident?
161
00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:37,772
What are the scratches in
the eighth, Erwin? Look 'em up.
162
00:07:37,807 --> 00:07:40,520
You know who I saw in the
waiting room after my examination?
163
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,976
Who? Nobody.
164
00:07:42,011 --> 00:07:43,144
Where were you?
165
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:45,196
I waited. What took you so long?
166
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,616
They were laying for me, boy.
167
00:07:47,651 --> 00:07:50,418
They poked and probed
every orifice in my body.
168
00:07:50,454 --> 00:07:51,864
Different doctor
for each orifice.
169
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:55,156
Erwin, gimme $20 to
win on Kidneystone.
170
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,545
They even checked between
my toes for athlete's foot.
171
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,797
I'm in perfect health.
172
00:08:02,832 --> 00:08:06,134
My blood pressure's
normal, pulse rate is normal,
173
00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:07,768
better than normal.
174
00:08:07,804 --> 00:08:10,605
I achieved perfection
in pulse rate.
175
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,608
The nurse said I had
the body of a 17-year-old.
176
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,176
What are you looking for?
177
00:08:15,212 --> 00:08:17,411
A clean spot to stand.
178
00:08:17,447 --> 00:08:19,631
You don't seem very
happy about passing,
179
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,932
I'll tell you that.
180
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,267
They raised my premium
rates by twice as much.
181
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:24,952
I have to pay $400 now.
182
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:26,615
How come? New rates...
183
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:28,906
Because an old friend
forgot to mail my check
184
00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:31,025
at the old rate.
Does that ring a bell?
185
00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:32,538
What's the difference? At
least you're insured now.
186
00:08:32,562 --> 00:08:34,473
If you get bit by
a dog it's all right.
187
00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:37,232
I'm not insured until I
mail them the check.
188
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,966
That reminds me...
189
00:08:39,002 --> 00:08:42,270
If you're going out, will
you mail this for me?
190
00:08:42,306 --> 00:08:44,866
There goes the last clean spot.
191
00:08:48,312 --> 00:08:51,129
Felix... Felix...
192
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:53,264
Hey, mail this for me, will ya?
193
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,601
What is it, your
1965 tax return?
194
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:59,237
Here.
195
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,783
That's to my insurance company.
196
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:02,285
Did you take out a policy?
197
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:05,076
No, it's a thank-you note to
them for sending you home safe.
198
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,644
Sure, it's a policy.
199
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,324
Well, congratulations,
I'm proud of you.
200
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,692
You scared me
with all that talk...
201
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,361
One accident could wipe
out all my life savings.
202
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,146
I figured I was down
there... I'd take out some.
203
00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:15,119
You'll never regret it.
204
00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:16,270
$400.
205
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,618
How much is your premium?
206
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,093
How much?
207
00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:25,162
What did you say?
208
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,515
$200.
209
00:09:27,550 --> 00:09:30,134
$200?
210
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,647
Why, that's only half...
211
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:34,438
I guess I have better
orifices than you do, and...
212
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:37,842
You have the body of
a 17-year-old chicken.
213
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:40,255
What quacks those doctors are.
214
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:41,958
I'm a better risk than you.
215
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,447
Oh, come on, I'm an athlete.
216
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:44,526
I play softball every Sunday.
217
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:45,661
Softball?
218
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:48,285
What is this...
compared to this?
219
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,338
What is this, you're rocking
a baby? What is that?
220
00:09:50,373 --> 00:09:51,790
Isometrics.
221
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,452
Look, that's four
softball games.
222
00:09:53,476 --> 00:09:55,110
That's four softball...
223
00:09:55,145 --> 00:09:56,777
Felix, we have
high-scoring games.
224
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,413
Last week we won 59 to 16.
225
00:09:58,448 --> 00:10:00,915
And when you come up to
bat 20 times in one inning
226
00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:02,650
you know you've
done a lot of running.
227
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,118
All right, you asked for it.
228
00:10:04,154 --> 00:10:05,619
Let's see you do this.
229
00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:06,754
What?
230
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:14,574
Get off my jacket!
231
00:10:14,598 --> 00:10:16,848
Get off my coat!
232
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:21,019
The nerve of those guys.
233
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,867
Anybody can see I'm a better
physical specimen than you.
234
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:26,958
Hey, maybe if you'd
jumped on the doctor's desk
235
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,660
he would have
knocked off a few dollars.
236
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,347
I don't find that very amusing.
237
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,550
I have to pay $400
because you forgot
238
00:10:35,585 --> 00:10:37,919
to mail my check and I'm
in better shape than you.
239
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:41,106
You had to pay $400
because you're a $400 risk.
240
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,186
I had to pay $200
because I'm a $200 risk.
241
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,670
You think you're in
better shape than me?
242
00:10:44,694 --> 00:10:47,512
You bet your
sweet orifice, I do.
243
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:48,996
Let's have a contest.
244
00:10:49,032 --> 00:10:51,010
You choose five events,
I'll choose five events.
245
00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:52,061
We'll have a decathlon.
246
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,501
Okay, what's the bet?
247
00:10:53,536 --> 00:10:56,571
I'll bet you the difference
in our premiums, $200.
248
00:10:56,606 --> 00:10:59,274
All right, shake that
hand and you've got a bet.
249
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:27,262
57, 58, 59... 60.
250
00:11:27,304 --> 00:11:28,314
Oh!
251
00:11:28,338 --> 00:11:29,338
Hey!
252
00:11:31,073 --> 00:11:32,774
You really believe
you could beat Oscar?
253
00:11:32,809 --> 00:11:34,409
You kidding?
254
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,143
Look at that chart.
255
00:11:36,179 --> 00:11:37,623
Look where I'll be by Saturday.
256
00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:39,447
Yeah, but you know
he's a sportswriter.
257
00:11:39,482 --> 00:11:41,132
He knows how to
prepare himself mentally.
258
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,212
He was up until
3:30 this morning
259
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,279
preparing himself mentally.
260
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:46,821
Well, Joe Namath
stays up late, too.
261
00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:48,584
Murray, there's a difference
between staying up late
262
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:51,976
with a girl and staying
up late looking for a girl.
263
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,188
You gonna do some more sit-ups?
264
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,290
No, I'm gonna run around
the reservoir a couple of times.
265
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,548
It's raining outside.
266
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,444
Oh, well then I'll run
up and down the steps.
267
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,251
Why don't you take the elevator?
268
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:03,938
Murray, Murray, Murray.
269
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:04,939
Hey.
270
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,874
So long, sucker.
271
00:12:06,910 --> 00:12:08,976
Hi, Oscar.
272
00:12:09,012 --> 00:12:10,289
Where's Jack LaLanne going?
273
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,279
He's running...
274
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,192
He's running up
and down the stairs.
275
00:12:13,216 --> 00:12:15,166
Why doesn't he use the elevator?
276
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:19,854
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, I
gotta tell you everything?
277
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:21,633
He usually runs
around the reservoir,
278
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:22,868
but it's raining out there.
279
00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:26,427
The reservoir? It must
be a mile around that thing.
280
00:12:26,463 --> 00:12:28,574
It's a mile and a
quarter. I clocked it.
281
00:12:28,598 --> 00:12:30,531
He can do it three times.
282
00:12:30,566 --> 00:12:31,899
What is this slop?
283
00:12:31,934 --> 00:12:33,279
It's Felix's training breakfast.
284
00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:37,205
It's a special mixture
of, uh, wheat germ, yeast
285
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,056
and desiccated liver powder.
286
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,127
It builds up his body.
287
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:45,196
Every body needs pizza and beer.
288
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,868
I don't know, Oscar.
289
00:12:50,903 --> 00:12:53,037
He's getting himself
in very good shape.
290
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:54,139
Look at that!
291
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,218
What is that?
292
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,274
That's his chart.
293
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,587
Isn't that cute?
294
00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:01,179
Does he give himself
gold stars, too?
295
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,391
What is that, 110 push-ups?
296
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,525
Is that for the week?
297
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:05,366
Uh-uh. That was
for this morning.
298
00:13:05,401 --> 00:13:07,034
This afternoon
he's going for 120.
299
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:08,820
You saw him do them?
300
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,099
I sure did. You're kidding me.
301
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,167
He made this up to
impress me, to scare me.
302
00:13:12,191 --> 00:13:13,140
Uh-uh-uh.
303
00:13:13,175 --> 00:13:14,875
Everything he did
is right down here.
304
00:13:14,911 --> 00:13:16,644
I wrote it myself.
You see the two?
305
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,214
Yeah. It's got
the little curl on it?
306
00:13:19,249 --> 00:13:21,449
That's a Murray curl.
307
00:13:21,484 --> 00:13:26,504
Seven, nine, 11...
308
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:29,323
Oscar, Felix counted by ones.
309
00:13:29,359 --> 00:13:31,392
I'm counting by ones, too.
310
00:13:31,428 --> 00:13:34,328
Up is one and down is one.
311
00:13:34,364 --> 00:13:37,765
17, 21, 25...
312
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,634
Oscar, you're
counting by fours now.
313
00:13:40,670 --> 00:13:42,881
And Felix's stomach
never touched the ground.
314
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,872
Oh, I can do it! Here!
315
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:52,080
33, 62... 80, 82!
316
00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:55,116
Put down 82, Murray.
317
00:13:55,151 --> 00:13:56,162
Oscar, I'm a policeman.
318
00:13:56,186 --> 00:13:58,746
I can't falsify public records.
319
00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:03,057
I'll take care of
you at Christmas.
320
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:10,465
82... And make it
a Murray curl, huh?
321
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:12,111
You want to do some sit-ups now?
322
00:14:12,135 --> 00:14:13,767
What a great idea.
323
00:14:13,803 --> 00:14:16,137
I think I'll sit up
on the couch.
324
00:14:16,172 --> 00:14:17,605
Oh, boy!
325
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,575
Put down another push-up.
Make it two; 84 even.
326
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:24,378
84. Oscar, why don't
you take a nice hot bath?
327
00:14:24,414 --> 00:14:25,846
That's a good idea.
328
00:14:25,881 --> 00:14:28,849
Oh, Murray, Murray,
look at me. Look.
329
00:14:28,884 --> 00:14:30,485
I look like King Kong
330
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,521
and I got the
strength of Fay Wray.
331
00:14:33,556 --> 00:14:35,423
Don't you tell Felix
how tired I am.
332
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,424
Don't worry.
333
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:37,459
Help me, help me.
334
00:14:37,494 --> 00:14:39,293
Here. Point me
toward the hallway.
335
00:14:39,329 --> 00:14:41,829
Give me a hard shove. Go, go.
336
00:14:51,007 --> 00:14:52,022
Hi, Murray.
337
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,307
Hi, Felix, how're you feeling?
338
00:14:53,342 --> 00:14:55,409
Fine. Where's Oscar?
339
00:14:55,444 --> 00:14:57,189
He's taking a bath. Oh.
340
00:14:57,213 --> 00:14:58,446
Not because he's tired.
341
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,448
It's a cleanliness bath.
342
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,761
Did he just go in there,
or is he nearly finished?
343
00:15:02,785 --> 00:15:03,750
He just went in.
344
00:15:03,786 --> 00:15:05,219
Good. Oh!
345
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:07,121
Felix, what's the matter?
346
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,122
I'm pooped.
347
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,157
Let me help you over
to the couch, okay?
348
00:15:10,193 --> 00:15:12,393
Either that or bring it here.
349
00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:13,394
Oh!
350
00:15:13,429 --> 00:15:14,561
What happened?
351
00:15:14,597 --> 00:15:16,408
I guess I just overdid it.
352
00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:18,310
I was jogging
around the reservoir
353
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,017
when I just... gave out.
354
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:21,786
You don't know what pooped is
355
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:24,688
until you've been overtaken
by an 80-year-old woman.
356
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,274
An 80-year-old woman?
357
00:15:27,309 --> 00:15:29,443
Wearing corrective sneakers.
358
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,374
Don't tell Oscar.
359
00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:34,431
Oh, Felix, I would never
360
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,133
tell on either one of you.
361
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:40,337
Gee, I hate to leave, but we
got a big porno raid tonight
362
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:43,207
and I gotta go home and shave.
363
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,709
Bye, Felix.
364
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:49,963
Murray! The
faucets are so tight.
365
00:15:53,603 --> 00:15:55,469
Hiya, buddy. How are ya?
366
00:15:55,504 --> 00:15:57,171
Fit as a fiddle.
367
00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,650
Me, too. Feel like a gorilla.
368
00:15:58,674 --> 00:15:59,640
Where's Murray?
369
00:15:59,675 --> 00:16:00,641
He just left.
370
00:16:00,677 --> 00:16:03,010
Oh!
371
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,659
I'm gonna fix myself
a high-protein drink.
372
00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:07,648
You want some?
373
00:16:07,684 --> 00:16:10,818
No, I'd rather
have a beer, buddy.
374
00:16:10,853 --> 00:16:12,753
Okay. I'll get it for you.
375
00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:15,923
No task too great.
376
00:16:15,958 --> 00:16:20,094
Oh, jogging's a great
exercise, you know that?
377
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:21,223
So they tell me.
378
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:23,697
It picks you up. Yeah.
379
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,233
It doesn't wear you out.
380
00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:27,635
Just like push-ups.
381
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,557
Oscar?
382
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,053
There was a little
lint on the floor.
383
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,442
Ah...
384
00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:40,748
Oh, I see you got
yourself a chart, huh?
385
00:16:40,783 --> 00:16:42,516
Yeah, yeah.
386
00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:44,151
84 push-ups.
387
00:16:44,187 --> 00:16:47,521
Well, yeah, I didn't
have time for any more.
388
00:16:47,557 --> 00:16:49,890
Uh-huh. Felix, I got you.
389
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:52,076
You're so tired you
can hardly move.
390
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:54,071
No, no, just resting
one of my eyes.
391
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:57,692
The other one was on the ball.
392
00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,968
Admit it. I caught you.
393
00:17:05,674 --> 00:17:08,976
You're so tired you
can't open a can of beer.
394
00:17:09,011 --> 00:17:11,662
If exhaustion were
an event, you'd win it.
395
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:16,300
No, sir, I'm not gonna
let you off the hook,
396
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:17,901
not even if you beg me.
397
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,755
I'm not about to
beg you for anything.
398
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,323
Why don't you just
shake that hand
399
00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:23,658
and then the bet is doubled?
400
00:17:23,693 --> 00:17:25,025
There we go.
401
00:17:25,061 --> 00:17:28,128
It's a challenge...
402
00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:48,015
♪ ♪
403
00:18:14,477 --> 00:18:16,377
♪ ♪
404
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,630
Now, we're gonna have
some real athletic events.
405
00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:25,998
What's the matter
with those events?
406
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,366
Handball's just not
your game, huh?
407
00:18:27,390 --> 00:18:29,318
I give you handball,
but I rather like bowling.
408
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,791
Why not? You won.
409
00:18:30,827 --> 00:18:32,904
Yes, even though I
had to use rented shoes.
410
00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,139
What's this pool business?
411
00:18:34,163 --> 00:18:35,507
What kind of game is that?
412
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,076
A contest to see who can
stand the most cigar smoke?
413
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,800
Oh, you gotta have a good eye,
414
00:18:39,836 --> 00:18:40,801
good coordination, huh, Murray?
415
00:18:40,837 --> 00:18:42,403
Pool is dumb! Dumb!
416
00:18:42,438 --> 00:18:46,691
With a capital D that rhymes
with P that stands for "pool."
417
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,209
I saw it in a movie once.
418
00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:50,828
Anyway he beat you fair
and square in tug-of-war.
419
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:52,674
Tug-of-war. We used his sheets.
420
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:53,998
I let go on purpose.
421
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,845
Don't be a crybaby, Felix.
422
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,546
I beat you three out of four.
423
00:18:58,570 --> 00:18:59,648
You wanna quit now?
424
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,505
We've got to come to
my events yet, remember?
425
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:02,506
What's next, Ref? Look...
426
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:05,209
Oscar's fifth and final
event is basketball.
427
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:06,210
Okay, let's go.
428
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:07,211
Right up, all right.
429
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,057
Here we go. Yeah. What do we do?
430
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,358
You know how to play basketball.
431
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,348
Not since grade school.
432
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,061
Take the ball,
cup it in your hand
433
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,286
and you just go like
that and shoot the ball.
434
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,599
I can do better than that.
I hope so. There we go.
435
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:18,967
All right, give you a
couple of warm-up shots.
436
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,708
Where are the laces?
437
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,109
They don't have laces anymore.
438
00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:23,561
I like laces.
439
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,763
Let's go. What's with the foot?
440
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,898
Again with the foot?
441
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,132
What is that?
442
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,867
Hand me that ball,
will you, Murray?
443
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,869
Stop with the foot.
Just shoot it straight.
444
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,572
All right. Look,
again with the foot.
445
00:19:35,725 --> 00:19:37,892
Good shot. Okay.
446
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:39,960
The first one to get ten
baskets in wins, okay?
447
00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,295
Okay, what do we do?
448
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:42,696
You take it out first.
449
00:19:42,732 --> 00:19:43,742
Okay. Okay.
450
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:45,544
You've got your
hands in my face.
451
00:19:45,568 --> 00:19:46,534
I know.
452
00:19:46,569 --> 00:19:48,881
Well, put them
down. I'd like to shoot.
453
00:19:48,905 --> 00:19:50,416
Time out.
454
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,606
Felix, he's allowed to do that.
455
00:19:52,641 --> 00:19:54,659
He's allowed to be rude?
456
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,093
Some game.
457
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,188
It's called "defensive playing."
458
00:19:57,212 --> 00:19:59,330
You want to take a shot,
get around your opponent.
459
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,632
Come on. What's the matter now?!
460
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,000
He didn't say "Time in."
461
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,755
Time in!
462
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,372
Went straight in.
463
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:12,944
There it is.
464
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,623
Oscar wins.
465
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,224
That's four out of five events.
466
00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:17,281
I concede you basketball.
467
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,298
Want to quit?
468
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,450
Are you serious?
469
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:21,668
Now we come to my events.
470
00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:23,120
Ready, Mr. Referee?
471
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:26,089
Felix's five events are
all gonna be run at once.
472
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,135
What?
473
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,770
Now, this is kind of a
steeplechase, Oscar.
474
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,595
Not like those games of dubious
skill you wasted our time with.
475
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,375
This is a real test
of conditioning.
476
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,443
What's with the gloves?
477
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,810
You don't want to
leave fingerprints?
478
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,184
I don't want to get calluses.
479
00:20:37,220 --> 00:20:39,114
You're free to wear
gloves if you want to.
480
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:40,637
I like calluses.
481
00:20:40,672 --> 00:20:42,167
All right. Now, the first event
482
00:20:42,191 --> 00:20:43,802
is a walk-through
on the parallel bars.
483
00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:45,103
What kind of an
exercise is that?
484
00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:46,838
You walk through
the parallel bars.
485
00:20:46,862 --> 00:20:48,829
No, you walk through
the parallel bars like this.
486
00:20:48,864 --> 00:20:50,197
Is that too much for you?
487
00:20:50,232 --> 00:20:53,067
Say so right now if it
is. You're free to stop.
488
00:20:53,102 --> 00:20:56,954
The second event is on the
mat, handstand with an alley-oop.
489
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:57,788
What's an alley-oop?
490
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,707
Headstand with an alley-oop.
491
00:20:59,742 --> 00:21:01,809
Headstand and alley-oop!
492
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:02,854
Oh, you say alley-oop?
493
00:21:02,878 --> 00:21:05,162
Yeah. Followed by
five perfect push-ups
494
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,457
where the chest
touches the ground.
495
00:21:06,481 --> 00:21:07,614
Next event,
496
00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:10,862
100-pound-barbell military
press behind the neck
497
00:21:10,886 --> 00:21:12,469
five times. You got it?
498
00:21:12,504 --> 00:21:13,820
I think I can handle it.
499
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:15,367
Are you sure?
Because if you're not,
500
00:21:15,391 --> 00:21:16,835
I wouldn't want
you to hurt yourself.
501
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,325
If you can do it, I'll try it.
502
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,028
And finally, three
perfect chins.
503
00:21:21,063 --> 00:21:22,847
The chin above the block.
504
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,576
Nothing to it if
you're in condition.
505
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:25,732
Are you ready?
506
00:21:25,768 --> 00:21:26,979
Let's try it.
507
00:21:27,003 --> 00:21:29,069
One thing, gentlemen,
anyone who fails
508
00:21:29,105 --> 00:21:30,404
to complete any of the events
509
00:21:30,439 --> 00:21:32,089
must go right back
to the beginning.
510
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,409
And may the better
man emerge victorious.
511
00:21:35,445 --> 00:21:37,244
Okay.
512
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,297
Gentlemen, start your engines.
513
00:21:44,153 --> 00:21:45,519
Am I moving, Murray?
514
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,994
Look as though you're still
at the starting gate, old-timer.
515
00:21:49,658 --> 00:21:50,668
Headstand.
516
00:21:50,692 --> 00:21:51,658
Alley-oop.
517
00:21:51,693 --> 00:21:54,261
Keep it up. I love your spirit.
518
00:21:54,297 --> 00:21:58,081
And one and two
and three and four
519
00:21:58,117 --> 00:21:59,511
and five...
520
00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:00,901
and nip up. Perfect.
521
00:22:00,937 --> 00:22:01,835
Keep at it.
522
00:22:01,871 --> 00:22:04,120
I love the way you're
going. That a way.
523
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:05,723
That a way.
524
00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:14,081
Ah! One, two... Alley-oop!
525
00:22:14,116 --> 00:22:19,019
Three... and four and five.
526
00:22:21,356 --> 00:22:22,623
That's the old boy.
527
00:22:22,658 --> 00:22:24,536
Five!
528
00:22:26,696 --> 00:22:28,295
Oscar, your
tongue's hanging out.
529
00:22:28,330 --> 00:22:30,230
Looks kind of porous.
530
00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:33,233
And there we are!
531
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,970
Take it easy. Rest,
baby doll, rest.
532
00:22:36,005 --> 00:22:37,182
Congratulations, Felix.
533
00:22:37,206 --> 00:22:38,171
That was almost perfect.
534
00:22:38,207 --> 00:22:39,317
What do you mean, almost?
535
00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:40,385
You only did two chins.
536
00:22:40,409 --> 00:22:41,409
No, I did three.
537
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,005
No, you did two. I was counting.
538
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:44,272
No, I... I'll do one more.
539
00:22:44,296 --> 00:22:46,307
No, no, no, man, you gotta
start from the beginning.
540
00:22:46,331 --> 00:22:47,392
Oh, no! Oh, yeah.
541
00:22:47,416 --> 00:22:49,428
No doubts about
this whistle here.
542
00:22:49,452 --> 00:22:50,979
Oh! Oh!
543
00:22:51,003 --> 00:22:52,969
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
544
00:23:00,362 --> 00:23:03,163
Alley-oop! Oh!
545
00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:12,256
Oh, and, oh... Oh! Oh!
546
00:23:17,096 --> 00:23:18,596
Oh! Oh!
547
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:34,845
Oh! No! Oh!
548
00:23:36,965 --> 00:23:39,950
Oscar won! The winner!
549
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:45,622
The better man
emerged victorious.
550
00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:46,724
Oh!
551
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:50,828
When I get home, I'll write
you out a check for $200.
552
00:23:50,863 --> 00:23:53,041
No, Felix, I can't take it.
553
00:23:53,065 --> 00:23:54,877
I cheated in two events.
554
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,968
See, I never alleyed,
but I ooped, you know.
555
00:23:58,004 --> 00:24:01,538
You're honest enough
to admit you cheated.
556
00:24:01,573 --> 00:24:04,019
I'm also honest enough
to know how happy I am
557
00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:06,187
that I have that
$5,000 insurance policy.
558
00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:07,661
Oh, my...
559
00:24:07,697 --> 00:24:10,097
$5,000? Yeah.
560
00:24:10,132 --> 00:24:12,966
I have a $10,000
insurance policy.
561
00:24:13,001 --> 00:24:16,403
You mean that's why
my premium's 200...?
562
00:24:16,439 --> 00:24:17,849
We're both in the same shape.
563
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:21,074
Hey, I got a $15,000
insurance policy,
564
00:24:21,110 --> 00:24:22,809
just cost me $75.00.
565
00:24:22,844 --> 00:24:26,247
A guy named Lloyd just
shook my hand, that's all.
566
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:47,785
Hey, Felix, I meant to ask you.
567
00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:49,869
How did you jump up
on the desk like that?
568
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:51,271
It's easy for me.
569
00:24:51,307 --> 00:24:52,605
I've got natural elevation.
570
00:24:52,641 --> 00:24:55,342
In high school I was
voted "Most Limber Boy."
571
00:24:55,377 --> 00:24:57,088
Did you win any
awards in high school?
572
00:24:57,112 --> 00:24:58,094
Of course I did.
573
00:24:58,130 --> 00:25:00,264
I won an award for the
Best Water Fountain Monitor
574
00:25:00,299 --> 00:25:02,166
and I won an award
for the Most Amiable
575
00:25:02,201 --> 00:25:03,767
and I won a plaque for neatness.
576
00:25:03,803 --> 00:25:06,070
How did you win those?
577
00:25:06,105 --> 00:25:07,854
I won 'em in a crap
game in the boys' room.
37570
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