All language subtitles for Ill.Be.Home.for.Christmas.1998.720p.BluRay.x264-x0r

-(BELLS JINGLING)
-(SWING MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGING)
From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip

Somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight

While the moon is bright

He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys

To give the gonest of the girls and boys

So dig

Santa comes on big

He'll come a-callin'
when the snow's the most

When all you cats
are sleepin' warm as toast

- Bet you're gonna flip when old St. Nick
-(BELLS JINGLING)

Plays a lick on a peppermint stick

He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place

-(BOINGING)
- And fill the stockings by the fireplace

So you'll

Have a yule that's cool

(RATTLING, CLANKS)

(BOINGS)

(INFLATING)

(EXPLODES, DEFLATING)

(BOINGING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(BALLS GIGGLING)

(BOINGING)

(BOINGING)

-(TRUMPET BLARING)
-(GLASS BREAKING)

(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)

Yeah, he's gonna have a bag of crazy toys

To give the gonest of the girls and boys

So dig

Santa comes on big

He'll come a-callin'
when the snow's the most

When all the cats
are sleepin' warm as toast

And you're gonna flip when old St. Nick

Plays a lick on a peppermint stick

He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place

And fill the stockings by the fireplace

So you'll

Have a yule that's cool

Have a yule that's cool

Hey.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hi. Guys.

(BOY POUNDING) 12-32-14!

(POUNDING CONTINUES) 12-32-14!

- Hut-hut, hike!
- Jake, thank God. Let me out.

Did you get my mail?

Math test?

A-minus? All right,
you made it look just good enough.

You score me those backstage passes
to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?

Oh, that's my man.

All right, uh, 12... 32...

What was that last number again, Ian?

- One hundred sixty-eight?
- Fourteen, Jake. Fourteen.

-(POUNDING)
- All right, calm down, I got you.

-(SIGHS) Oh, thanks, Jake.
- You're welcome.

Now, Ian, what is the deal with you
being sardined into your locker again?

It was Eddie Taffet
and his troglodyte trio.

They're bugged about
the phony I.D.s we sold them.

All right, I'll take care of them later.
Right now, I need you

to get on the net, change
that ticket my dad got me to New York

-into two seats to Cabo San Lucas.
- Okay.

- Will you be taking Allie?
- Working on that now.

- Good morning, ladies.
- Hi, Jake.

- Do those things really work?
- Yeah, want to see?

No, no, no, it's okay.

Hi.

Ah, zone defense, huh?

Guess I'm not gonna
be able to get in unless...

- What's this?
- Cherry crunch?

Would I bring you anything else?

Sierra, I'm sure that tastes good here,

but I bet it would taste
even better someplace else.

Shoo-shoo.

-(SIGHS) Hey.
- Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

You always said you wanted to see what
it would be like to wake up next to me.

Ooh, good line.
Premeditated or spontaneous?

Oh, totally off-the-cuff.

I was inspired by the lovely sight
of you drooling...

-on your French book.
- I wasn't drooling. I was sleeping.

(GASPS) Sleeping.
I-I can't sleep! I've got to study.

You were studying,
uh, subliminally, in your sleep.

You were absorbing it
off the page through osmosis.

Not funny. Give me that.

Look, Jake, my final is in three hours,
and you're here just distracting me.

- So would you, please, get out of here?
- Okay, okay. Suit yourself.

I just wanted to let you know
there's a freak storm outside.

- Looks like it's snowing.
- Snowing?

We're in the middle
of Southern California. It's not sno...

My God. It's snowing.

Jake, you lunatic.
Where did you get a snow machine?

-(CHUCKLES) Oh. Hey, Ian.
- Hi, Allie.

(LAUGHS)

It's a white Christmas, just like home.

And here's a little Christmas cheer.

Eggnog? My mother makes this from scratch.

And one more thing.

More? Do I detect an overage
of niceness going on here?

Just read it.

Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
Christmas on the beach.

- Amazing.
- Well, I knew you'd be...

pissed.

This is the most inconsiderate thing
I've ever heard.

I have plans that are
important to me, Jake.

Allie, it's not like
I'm asking you to sleep in a Port-O-Potty.

This is a three-bedroom condo
overlooking the ocean.

Forget it, Jake. You know I'm driving
home with Sierra to visit my family.

So, tell them what
I told my dad last year:

You're gonna be stuck in the gym eight
hours a day for the next two weeks

in preparation for your appearance
in the "Ultimate Fighting" Championship.

- That's what you told him?
- Well, sure.

Then when he found out I really
wanted to stay here and surf,

-he was so relieved he didn't argue.
- But I want to go home.

I want a traditional Christmas with snow

and stockings and eggnog and carolers.

I just thought we could
have some fun this Christmas.

No, you just thought that
you could have some fun.

But what about everybody else?

My mom and dad would be crushed
if I didn't come home.

And what about your dad,
and your sister and Carolyn?

You know, bringing up my dad's new wife
just drains me of all my Christmas spirit.

Look, all I'm saying is don't you think
it's about time you went home?

(HORN HONKS)

Hey, there. Looking good today.

Thanks, Eddie.
You're looking nice today too.

I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.

Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume
are you wearing today?

Excuse me?

'Cause I got three words
for you: new car smell.

It would smell so good on you.

Why don't you come in here
and check it out, baby?

Eddie, I got one word for you: Beemer.

(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)
Stand away from the vehicle.

You've gotta be kidding me!

(ALARM CONTINUES) You are too close to
the vehicle. Stand away from the vehicle.

You are too close to the vehicle.

Stand away from the vehicle.

So it's Disco Inferno night
at the Viper Room, right?

And it's me and the Murph-Man
and the Ed-Man and the Ken-Man, right?

We've been waiting in line for,
like, half the night, right?

And the bouncer,
he finally gives us the nod.

So we go over there and debut
our brand-new I.D.s...

and the dude goes...

-"Bye-bye."
- And no one,

no one says "Bye-bye" to the Brandt-Man.

Fellas, fellas, fellas, what can I say?

My subcontractor's been slacking off,
but I want to make this up to you.

I have a foolproof method that will
guarantee you ace your History final.

But if you'd rather see your grades
crash and burn, it's up to you.

No cost, right?

Of course there's no cost for the
answers. I couldn't do that to you guys.

You guys are my buds.

However, there is a nominal fee
for the beeper rental.

(PHONE RINGING)

Wilkinson residence. Oh, I'm sorry.
He can't come to the phone right now.

He's busy accessorizing.

Oh, okay. Jake, it's your dad.

See ya.

Dad, hey. How are things at the office?

Fine. We're all off for the holidays.

I sent everybody home at noon today.

Great. Getting ready for ski season?

Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.

Look, Jake, I'm calling
to find out about you.

Are you, uh, still planning on
coming home for Christmas?

Gosh, you know, I'd like to,

but I gotta stick around campus and finish
up that extra credit lab work in...

Because I got a call from my travel agent.

He says that the ticket I sent you

was cashed in
for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.

He says somebody sabotaged
his computer file.

-(LAUGHING)
- What kind of a world are we living in?

Is the convenience of technology
worth the loss of our privacy?

Who would do such a thing?
Where will it end, Dad?

Look, I agreed to let you go off
to school in California,

but you haven't been home
for the holidays since Mom died.

I think it's time that
we become a family again.

Dad, Dad, Dad, if you were 18 years old,

where would you rather be for Christmas:

at home with your family, or in Cabo
on the beach with a beautiful girl?

Allie's parents say she's
coming home just like always.

I just really want you home, son.

-(SOFTLY) Me too.
- As does Carolyn.

-(SOFTLY) No! No!
- And Tracey. We all want you home.

Well, I just don't think I can get there.

Not even if I, uh... give you the Porsche?

Excuse me?

The Porsche?

The 1957 Porsche?

The same 1957 Porsche that
we rebuilt by hand together

with the kid glove interiors
and the original paint?

The 1957 Porsche?

I'll tell you what. If you're home

by the time we sit down to dinner,
6:00 Christmas Eve, the car is yours.

6:00. Not one minute past. You understand?

- Yes, sir.
- We'll see you then.

- Great. Bye.
-(DISCONNECTS LINE)

You are mine, all mine.

Okay, uh,

he cashes in the tickets
and you offer him a bribe?

Do you see anything wrong
with this picture?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

- But...
- But what?

Jake's coming home for Christmas.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, I gotta go pack you guys.
I'll see you in an hour.

Okay. Bye.

Nice try, but no chance.

Hmm, must be defective.

You know, I estimated it would be another
five hours till you tried to make up.

Huh, that's funny...

because I estimate that it takes five
hours to fly to Larchmont, New York.

I thought you cashed
your ticket in for Cabo.

I cashed it back in
for two tickets to New York.

Will you please accept my apology

and come home with me for Christmas?

(LAUGHING) You're unbelievable.

Tell me about it.
Ripley's doing a special on me.

So, why the sudden change of heart?

Well, I guess you kind of got to me
with all that sentimental family stuff.

Oh, well, I'm glad to see
you're coming around.

Hey, if you don't have family,
what do you have, right?

So, you want to come over
and help me pack?

(GROANS) No, I can't.
I gotta go tutor some jocks.

Oh, you're such a compassionate man.

I am a giver.

- Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8:00.
- Okay.

(SOFTLY) This better work.

Run.

- Look out. Look out.
- Hey.

(SIGHS SOFTLY) What's taking him so long?

(BEEPERS BEEPING)

- Sorry, Miss Peterson.
- Coach likes to stay in touch.

(TYPING)

(TYPING)

And when you're driving a Porsche,
it's like you have a relationship with it.

Like it knows you,
and it's listening and just responding.

- That is so true.
- And downshifting? You don't know

what downshifting can do till
you've downshifted in a Porsche.

- You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
- That is so true.

So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?

- Immensely.
- Well, I think that's all about to change.

Something wrong, fellas?

You think you're some kind
of wise guy, right?

You think it's real funny
to make us look like morons, right?

- What are you talking about?
- The beepers, dipstick.

Ian. Where's Ian?

(IAN SHOUTING) 12-32-14!

Oh, man. (POUNDING)

I'm sure there's some explanation.
Let me make a couple phone calls.

Nah-ah-ah-ah.
I think we're done explaining.

Boys.

JAKE: Aw, come on, guys. Fellas, fellas.

- BOTH: Good-bye.
- See you guys later. Have a good break.

- Okay.
- Miss you.

All right, Jake. Where are you?

(DOO-WOP MUSIC)

(SINGING) I-I-I-I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

With every Christmas card I write

(INSECT BUZZING)

May those days
May your days

May your days be merry and bright

(GROANING)

Oh, God, I wish I were dead.

(SQUAWKING)

I said I wished I were dead.

(SQUAWKING CONTINUES)

What the...

"Let's see you sweet talk your way
out of this one. Eddie & the boys."

(SIGHS) That's the last time
I do business with those guys.

- Go on, get out of here.
-(SQUAWKS)

Ow!

You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks.

The hat too?

- This is not acceptable!
-(ECHOING)

(GROANS)

-(SIGHS)
-(BUZZARD SQUAWKS)

(SQUAWKS)

Sit. Roll over.

Die.

(SQUAWKS)

ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, it's Jake. You found me.

(SLAMS DOWN RECEIVER) Idiot!

- Who's an idiot?
- I am.

Jake flaked, huh? What a surprise.

Well, lucky for you,
the Ed-Man's here to the rescue.

So what do you say
we blow this Popsicle stand?

'Cause I got butt warmers in the seats.

- You're loving this, aren't you?
- Pretty much, yeah.

- Okay, let's go.
- All right.

(LAUGHING) Oh, no, no, no, no.
Allow me. I got it, I got it.

The ultimate in irony.
Seventeen academy kids...

are driving back east this winter,

and I get a ride with you.

Just the two of us,
riding the crest of destiny's rainbow.

Sharing, caring. A pair for the ages.

-(CHUCKLING)
- Okay, hold on. First, the ground rules.

If you say too many stupid things
like that, I'll have to slug you.

If you say anything nasty about Jake,
I'll have to slug you.

If you try to feel me up,
I'll have to slug you.

If you make me listen to any sexist,

racist or homophobic jokes,
I'm gonna have to slug you.

And, finally, I might just have
to slug you from time to time

simply because I find the prospect of
driving across the country with you

incredibly stressful!

All right. Sounds like a party to me.

So, what should we listen to?
Jewel? Sarah? Fiona?

I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?

Cut the crap, Eddie.
I'm already in the car.

All right. Let's burn this baby.
New York, yeah!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC)

-(SINGING) They'll be singin'
-(BUZZARD SQUAWKS)

Gonna be singin' Christmas carols

- By the old corral
-(SQUAWKING)

- Celebratin'
-(CONTINUES SQUAWKING)

- Congregatin'
-(SQUAWKS)

And exchangin' greetings by the old corral

There'll be lots of little children

- And how big their eyes will be
-(BOTH SQUAWKING)

See you, lovebirds.

When they see what
Santa left around the tree

They'll be merry

Singin' those merry Christmas carols

By the old corral

-(LINE RINGING)
- Hey, it's Allie.

- You got the machine. You know the...
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

- Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so sor...
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

-(DIAL TONE, REDIALING)
-(LINE RINGS)

- Hey, it's AI...
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

- Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed!
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

This totally sucks. (SIGHS)

You got a mean disposition for a Santa.

I need to make another phone call.

Long distance?

What, from here, is not long distance?

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

-(TURNS ON PHONE)
- Hello?

- Tracey, it's Jake.
- Oh, hi. Where are you?

I'm in the middle of nowhere,
dressed like Santa Claus,

being attacked by a killer tumbleweed.

- Cool. (CHUCKLES)
- Get me Dad.

- When did I become your slave?
- The day you were born.

Oh, right.

Oh, Dad.

It's the prodigal son.

- Hello?
- Hello, Father... Dad.

Jake, you sound funny.
Are you at the airport?

Well, I've had some setbacks,

but if you wire me some money,
I'll make it home for Christmas.

Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?

He's in the middle of nowhere,
dressed as Santa Claus,

being attacked by a killer bumblebee.

That's tumbleweed.
Otherwise, it's just like she said.

That is the worst alibi

in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.

- But it's all true.
- That's what you always say.

I know, but I really need your help
if I'm gonna make it home on time.

Now, look, we had a deal.

It is up to you to get yourself
home on Christmas Eve

-or you can forget about the Porsche.
-(TURNS OFF PHONE)

-(DIAL TONE)
- Dad?

E-Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing.

You're trying to get home for Christmas,
and your father won't help you?

Ah, it's not that, it's just...

(BEGINS CRYING)

He's so worried about the operation.

- He's not thinking clearly.
-"Operation"?

Yeah. The whole family chipped in

and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.

I sent home every last dollar I earned
working as a shopping mall Santa.

The operation's on Christmas Eve.

And now I won't be home until
after the anesthesia wears off.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Oh, dear.

You know, me and the girls
are driving to Vegas

to see Tom Jones.

We're Tom Tom Girls.
You want to ride with us?

Do you have "What's New, Pussycat?"

Do we have "What's New, Pussycat?"

(TOM JONES SINGING)
What's new, pussycat, whoa-oh-oh-oh

What's new, pussycat

WOMEN: Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

(CONTINUES ON STEREO)

Could, uh...Could we crack open a window?

You think it's funny how easily
old people can catch pneumonia?

Do you think that's a joke? Ha-ha-ha?

No. It's just I had a hard night,
and I'm not feeling so well.

- Hey, get out of there!
-(COUGHS)

(SIGHS) Darlene!

Mama's teeth have fallen
out of her mouth again.

Well, just wedge 'em back in, dear.

(PICKS UP TEETH) Okay, Santa Claus.

Make yourself useful and just
put those right back in her mouth.

Uh, gherkins, anyone? Oh.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

-(VOMITING)
- Oh, well, that's lovely.

- What happened?
- Santa just yammied in your handbag.

-(CONTINUES VOMITING)
- There he goes again.

- Well, stop him!
- Okay. Here, Santa!

- Santa, get up! (RIPS OFF BEARD)
- Ow! Ow!

-(GROANING)
- Did I hurt you, Santa? Good.

All right, buster, out you get.

Out you get! Out! Get outta here!

Get outta here, you,
and take your beard with you!

I never heard of such a thing!

Imagine, yammying in my sister's handbag!

(HORN HONKING)

- Here you go. There's a five.
- Thank you.

"Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed."

"Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed"?

Oh, I love this game.
Pick which word is not like the others.

- Uh, Santa.
- No, idiot.

It's a message Jake left on my machine.

- Wow. Bizarre, huh?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

Allie?

Eddie?

Eddie.

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, my God.

- Allie!
- What's wrong with you?

Uh, we gotta go.
We're just way behind schedule.

-(HONKING CONTINUES)
- Allie, wait!

Allie! Stop!

Wait!

(HORN HONKING)

(SINGING) I'll have a blue

Christmas

Without you

I'll be so blue

Just thinking

About you

Decorations

Of red

On a green Christmas tree

- It won't mean a thing
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)

If you're not here with me

- When those blue snowflakes
- This is the worst day of my life.

- And it just got worse.
- Start falling

That's when those blue

Memories

Start calling

You'll be doing all right

With your Christmas all white

- But I'll have
- Whoa.

A blue

Blue, blue Christmas

(BACKUP SINGERS HARMONIZING)

But I'll have

Hey, a blue

Blue, blue Christmas

Ho-ho-ho, tubby.

Secret fat man handshake. All right.

You know, confidentially speaking,
just between us Santas,

don't you ever get tired
of wearing this suit?

I mean, every year it's the same suit.
Red, red, red, red, red.

(SIGHS) I mean, does any guy
really look good in red?

(WHISPERS) I don't think so.

Got room in the sled for two?

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

You're a pal.

(SIGHS)

Whoa! (LAUGHING)

You're not so cute in the morning.

I'm kind of glad nothing happened.

Ow! Y-You just slugged me.

As per our agreement.

Wake up, chief. Time to feed the reindeer.

(SIGHS) All right, I'm going. I'm going.

(GRUNTS)

(ELVIS PRESLEY SINGING)
Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane

Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer

Pullin' on the reins

Bells are ringin'
Children singin'

All is merry and bright

Hang your stockings and say your prayers

-'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight
- Hi, there!

- Yeah, merry Christmas to you too.
- Here comes Santa Claus

Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane

He's got a bag that's filled with toys

- For boys and girls again
- Here comes Santa Claus

Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle

- What a beautiful sight
-(HONKING)

- Jump in bed and cover your head
- Oh, where's the tomato?

-'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight
-(GROANING)

Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus

Right down Santa Claus Lane

He'll come around when the chimes ring out

It's Christmas morn again

Peace on Earth will come to all

If we just follow the light

Let's give thanks to the Lord above

'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight

-(SCREECHES)
- Santa Claus comes tonight

Oh, man.

I went and killed Santa.

(GRUNTING) Oh, no.

Santa?

Santa?

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS) Thank God.

Hang on, Santa. I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming.

- Hold on, hold on. Oh.
-(GRUNTING)

Ow, ow, ow. Am I alive?

Sir, I have never been happier
to answer that question in my life.

- Yes, you are alive!
- You've been asked that question before?

Oh, maybe... ten, twelve times.

(SINGING) Wake up now
Wake up now

- Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones
- Calling Dr. Jones

- Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, wake up now
-(CHUCKLES)

A-yippee-yi-oh
A-yippee-yi-ay

A-yippee-yi-oh Uh-huh

- Uh, Allie, can I ask you something?
-(CONTINUES ON STEREO)

- Shoot.
- Look, I'm a millennial type of guy.

You know, I dig world music.
I think freon should be banned.

You know, I'm all about yoga
and macrobiotic food.

I mean, I'm in touch with
my inner child, for God's sake.

Is the question coming before Ohio?

Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is...

what does Jake have that I haven't got?

It's the stuff he comes up with.

Funny things.

(LAUGHS) Amazing things.
Things that just give me the chills.

Yeah. G-Give me an example
of one of these chills things.

Okay.

Okay, there was this one time
I was feeling really bad.

It was...It was just
a really down day and...

Jake took my hand in his
and being really sweet he said,

"Not even the rain has such small hands."

"Not even the rain has such small hands"?

- What a nerd.
- It's e.e. Cummings.

- Huh?
- Poetry, Eddie.

(SCOFFS) And that gave you chills?

(SIGHS) You wouldn't understand.

Allie?

- What?
-(SIGHS)

Not even the corn had such big ears.

(LAUGHS) That's beautiful.
I'm really moved, Eddie.

Look, if it's poetry
you want, I got it, baby.

- There once was a man from Nantucket...
- Just drive the car, Eddie.

Wake up now
Wake up now

Man, oh, man, I was sure you were a goner.

Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't
have this conversation with you anymore.

What conversation?

The one where you go
you were sure I was a goner,

and I go, "Yeah, that was
really a close one."

Oh. Okay.

Hey, that's a Pathfinder.
Catch up with them.

- NOLAN: Who's that?
- My girlfriend.

No, kidding? All the way out here?
(CHUCKLES)

Wait a minute. A-Are you saying that's
Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?

Mrs. Claus steppin' out on Santa?

Letting some other guy
down the chimney?

Why, that two-timing ho!

Uh, Nolan, reality check.

(GRUNTS)
You say no more, Santa. I'm after them.

(SIREN BLARING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING)
- Nolan, I said catch them.

- Try not to kill us.
- All right. All right.

(SIREN APPROACHING)

Nolan, there's a cop behind us
with his lights on. Slow down.

-(SIREN CONTINUES)
- Oh, man. Cops make me nervous.

- I'm gonna make a run for it.
- What? Are you nuts?

Look, my daddy always said, "It's better
to go out in a blaze of glory

than to rot in a state
correctional facility."

(LAUGHS) Let me guess.

You're about to tell me the stuff
in the back is stolen, right?

I won't if you don't want me to.

Stop the car, Nolan.

- Stop the...
- Stop the car.

(SIREN CONTINUES)

All right, come on, Jake.
Think, think, think, think, think!

I know. Put this on, act like my elf.

- Uh, all right. How do elves act?
- I don't know.

- Happy.
- Happy.

Merry Christmas, Officer. Problem?

In a bit of a hurry, aren't you?

Well, that's my fault.
It's a busy time of year for me.

- Ho-ho-ho. (LAUGHS)
- I'm an elf.

So it seems.

Do you realize you were going 79
in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?

You should try catching me
in my sleigh. Ho-ho-ho.

-(LAUGHS)
-(SNICKERS)

You see, Officer,
my elf Snow Puff and I are heading

to the children's hospital
in the next town.

- You mean Red Cliff?
- Yeah, Red Cliff. Exactly.

To distribute toys to the youngsters.

You know, I'm sorry if
in my haste I sped up a bit,

but every second counts
to a bedridden child.

All right. I'll tell you what.

No more speeding, okay, Santa?

Sixty-five, stay alive.

-(CHUCKLES)
- Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Officer.

- And that... is how the big boys do it.
-(SIGHS)

You know what?

My shift ends in a few minutes.

Why don't you follow me?
I'll get you there in no time.

(LAUGHS)

So that's how the big boys do it?

- Shut up, Nolan.
-(STARTS ENGINE)

(SIREN BLARING)

(SIGHS) So close...

and yet so far.

Please stay in the car. Please stay in
the car. Please stay in the... Oh, man.

I guess he couldn't hear you.

Hey, thank you, Officer.

Say, do y'all mind
if I go in there with you?

I'd kind of like to see the kids' faces
when you give them their gifts.

The more the merrier. (LAUGHS)

And I want a pony and a Barbie Dream
House and a Lite-Brite Deluxe and...

Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's
gonna give you something even better.

(JAKE GASPS)
A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster

with exclusive accu-toast sensor

for consistent toasting time after time.

Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide

so you can get four bagels in there
instead of the usual two.

- Okay. Thank you, Santa.
- You're welcome.

But, Santa, this toaster was already
promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.

Hand it over to the kid, Snow Puff.

All right, let's get this line moving.
Who's next?

All righty.
And what do you want for Christmas?

And finally.

Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.

- What's your name, little boy?
- Esteban.

Esteban. All right,
let's see what we have here today

for Esteban.

(JAKE GASPS) Look at this.

A Eureka Boss cordless
rechargeable vacuum cleaner.

No, thank you.

Well, uh, I don't know what else
I have here for you, buddy.

- What do you want for Christmas?
- To go home.

I want to be with mi mama, mi papa,

mi hermana Maribelle, mi hermano Mario,

Tio Carlos, y mi Tio Ramon,

Tia Christina, Tia Maria,

grandmothers and grandfathers

and my dog, Zorrito.

And have Christmas tree and lights

and angels and Christmas cookies...

With little red
and green sprinkles on top

and plum pudding...
and Christmas carols and...

Oh, Sugardoll, I miss you so much!

I don't want to fence
stolen goods no more. I just want...

I just want to beg you
to come home for Christmas.

Please, Marjorie.
You know I didn't mean to hurt you.

I don't know how I'm gonna get
through the holidays without you.

I just need to talk to my dad or Tracey.

Are either of them there?

Ah, gee, your dad and Tracey
went to the mall. It's just me

-holding down the fort.
- Uh-huh.

We are all so excited you're coming home.

We've got the tree all set up.
It looks great.

I've just been shopping and cooking
and cooking and shopping.

Speaking of which, your sweater size...

Are you, uh... You're a 38, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Where are you now?
Are you on your way home?

Yeah. Look, I gotta run.

So, uh, you take care now.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(DISCONNECTS LINE, SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS) I gotta tell you, Santa, sir.

Although I've only been
your elf for a very short time,

I feel like a new man, changed.

D-Do I look changed to you?

Well, maybe you've changed
on the inside where it counts.

Yeah, that's it.
I've changed on the inside,

and I'm going home for Christmas.

Home? I thought you were going east!

- Nope, back the other way.
- But...

Nolan, I saved your butt
back there on the road.

Don't you think you owe me something?

Uh, yes, I do.

Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.

- Well...
- Merry Christmas. (STARTS ENGINE)

- What?
- Can I have a word with you?

- What is it?
- Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.

She left me last month and,
well, if I could just get her

back home for Christmas,
I know we could start again.

- Why are you telling me this?
- She won't listen to me,

but I got a hunch
she might listen to Santa.

See, if you walked into

the restaurant where she works
and asked her to forgive me,

- I know she'd come home.
- She left you, right?

- Yeah.
- So where's your dignity?

Don't go crawling back to her.
Let her come groveling back to you.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Why drive all the way to Nebraska
just to get slammed again?

Wait. Nebraska? As in east of here?

- It's about a six-hour trip.
- What's the matter with you, man?

You love her enough to marry her,
but you won't take a little drive?

So, Max, what did you do
that made your wife so mad

she'd take a job 300 miles away?

(SIGHS) I stayed out at Smitty's
till 3:00 one morning.

- Doesn't seem so bad.
- With an old girlfriend.

All right, here's the deal.

If I get Marjorie
to come home for Christmas,

you buy me a bus ticket to New York.

If you can get Marjorie
to come home for Christmas,

I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Looking good.
- Oh.

I got kind of a weird call
from Jake while you were out.

He didn't say where he was calling from,
but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.

- I hope he's gonna make it okay.
- There is not an obstacle

in this world that will
keep my son from this car.

- Oh, my God! There's a scratch!
- Where? Where?

- Get a life, Dad.
-(DAD SIGHS)

-(CHUCKLES) See ya.
- See ya.

(EXHALES) Well...

she's ready for you, son.

Wherever you are.

(COUNTRY MUSIC)

There she is, right there.

Isn't she the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, no doubt.
So, what do you want me to tell her?

That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.

- Good. Die.
- Now, don't you think...

you're being a little bit harsh, Marjorie?

"Harsh"? After he kissed that tramp
in front of everybody at Smitty's?

Well, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss,
right? Like brother-sister.

- There was tongue.
- MAX: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) There was not!

There was too, you big pig!

- Everybody saw it!
- Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her.

It was the Jagermeister.

We made a commitment, Max,

to honor and obey for better or for worse.

Okay, this is "worse. "

(EXASPERATED SIGH)
He really burns my biscuits.

Let me handle this one. Okay, Max?

Don't you think you should
give Max another chance?

Maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.

He kissed her!
How do you misunderstand that?

Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.

It's just like this other couple I know,
who are all

-upset about a misunderstanding.
- Yeah? What's wrong with them?

They had a trip planned to go back east,

and he canceled last minute
because he wanted to take her

to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.

But she thought he was being selfish,
which was a misunderstanding.

- No, it wasn't. He sounds like a jerk.
- No, he's not.

I mean, if she had understood,
she would have realized that

the guy's got a stepmother
that he doesn't like very much.

- Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
- Well, the dad married her

only ten months after his wife died.

- She must be a babe.
-(MARJORIE SCOFFS)

Why is this guy mad at the stepmother?
It's not her fault.

Don't you think ten months
is a little soon?

- Not if she's a babe.
-(SHUSHES)

Look... what does any of this
have to do with me and Max?

Misunderstandings can be overcome
if both people just try.

Look, right now, Max is
sitting out there with a broken heart.

All he's asking for is a second chance.

Just give him another shot.

Hey, Marge. How's about
a topper on this coffee?

You know what? I've got a job to do.

- H-H-How'd it go?
- Well, you know what a swirlee is?

You mean when somebody jams your head
in a toilet bowl and flushes it?

- Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
- Oh, man!

Now, get in there, say something romantic.

Huh?

- Something apologetic?
-(GROANS)

Something in English!

-(HORN HONKING)
- Excuse us.

All right, already! Come here.

- I got an idea.
-(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

("O CHRISTMAS TREE" ON FIDDLE)

(CONTINUES)

(MAX CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGING) O, Marjorie
O, Marjorie

I need to have you home

(CLEARS THROAT)

O, Marjorie
O, Marjorie

I need to have you home

I'm sorry I

Was such an insensitive jerk that night

- I hope that singing this song
-(CUSTOMERS CHUCKLING)

Will make everything all right

You're not the only one.

O, Marjorie

O, baby

O, baby, O, baby

I'll make it up to you

On the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree

(CHUCKLING)

See, you're my wife

- I'd give my life
-(CRYING)

(BELLOWS)

If you just

Come

Home

(SOFTLY) Now on your knees.

- Now on your knees
- Do it, don't sing it.

(KNEES CRACKING)

Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby.

- Won't you, please...
-(CUSTOMERS OOHING)

(CUSTOMERS CHEERING)

-(CHEERING, APPLAUDING CONTINUE)
-(SIGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUDING CONTINUE)

Here's your ticket.
Your bus will be here in ten minutes.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

-(CHUCKLES)
- Well, see ya.

- Hey, Santa.
- Yeah?

I, uh...I hope that other couple you know

works through their misunderstandings.

Me too.

What other couple?

Oh, it doesn't matter. It's...

- It's just you and me, baby.
-(SIGHING)

- You know what I've always wondered?
- What?

Out of all the planets in the universe,

how is it that this is the only one
that spawned intelligent life?

Yeah.

- You know what I always wonder about?
- What's that?

How come more breakfast joints don't
serve your food right in the skillet?

Like Denny's. Think about it.

They give you your meat, your eggs, your
spuds right in the pan. Man, that rocks!

Or like when a homeless guy comes up
to you and says he's the Messiah.

And then he asks you for money,
and you just want to walk away,

but then you think to yourself,
"What happens if he is the Messiah,

and I'm just blowing the dude off?"

Think about it.

I take back what I said
about intelligent life on Earth.

Hey, look at that!

(EDDIE SCOFFS) Velveeta. Come on now.

That's why we have to stay there.

Come on, where would you rather go:

another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian
village in the middle of nowhere?

I don't think it's very Eddie.

Well, I think it's totally Eddie.

It's completely cheesy
and trying to be cool.

When are you gonna stop
being mean to the Ed-Man, huh?

When you stop referring
to yourself in the third person.

(SCOFFS)

P.A. ANNOUNCER: Passenger Davies,
return to the ticket counter.

You left your ticket up here.

(GRUNTING)

Maybe I should just go with it.

-(CHRISTMAS MUSIC)
-(TOILET FLUSHES)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Check this out. Tell me what's better.

(SWEETLY) Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas.

(HEARTILY) Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!

(OVERLY FRIENDLY)
Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!

Well, the first one's good
for really little kids,

like my sister who's three.

And the second one's good
for big kids like my friends and me.

And the third one's good
if you want to scare people

and watch them run away screaming.

- Okay. Cool. Thanks.
- Whatever.

(GERMAN OOMPAH)

("WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS")

(CONTINUES)

-(BELL RINGING)
-(WOMAN GIGGLING)

(CHATTERING, LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Well, look at that.

The clock man is
sexually harassing the clock lady.

- How typical.
-(RINGING CONTINUES)

Don't witness it.
You might have to testify.

Wow, Eddie. That was actually clever.

Hey, I'm a witty guy.

Do you think this astonishing physique
is all the Ed-Man has to offer?

Well, take this, Ed-Man.

Oh, my God, you're dead. You're so dead.

You're gonna get it so bad. Oh, my God.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

TV: This is Wendy Richards
reporting live from Edelbruck, Iowa,

site of the Strudelstrausse Inn
and world-famous human clock.

Now, the temperature outside
stands at 31 degrees,

but, of course, the temperature's
always a little bit warmer

underneath the mistletoe arch.

Here's a couple now. I hope you kids
know where you're standing.

- I'll kill him.
- P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please.

Bus 33 to New York is boarding.

All passengers with tickets
please proceed to the curb.

I think you just stopped being mean to me.

- Excuse me. Conway?
- Get behind the yellow line.

- Just a second. I need to ask you a favor.
- Just get behind the yellow line.

I realize you're on a schedule,
but, it being the holidays,

I wonder if you wouldn't mind
taking a small detour to Edelbruck.

- I think everyone would really enjoy it.
- But I wouldn't.

- What if we... How about we...
- No. No.

But... No. Got it.

WOMAN: That is very good.

Look at that.

Here. Why don't you try
using the yellow one?

Sorry we only had one room left tonight,
it being Christmas and all,

but I think you'll find
that it's very special.

(SIGHS)

Willkommen to your honeymoon suite.

(OPERA MUSIC)

Is this yours?

Hmm? No.

Not yours either?

Whose is it?

"Human Liver"?

"Organ Donation"? Oh, my God!

We've got a live liver here!

It says deliver to Allie Henderson
in Edelbruck A.S.A.P..

- Think it's real?
- Let's take a look.

- It moved!
- We need to get to Edelbruck!

Okay, everybody, sit down!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Get behind the yellow line!

Don't give me your lip!
I don't believe you, man.

There's a little girl in Edelbruck
that needs a liver transplant.

We got a schedule to keep.

- Schedule, schmedule.
- Shame on you.

This isn't about schedules, man.
It's the gift of life,

the greatest Christmas gift ever,

and we've even got Santa
to bring it to her.

- This is a nonstop bus to New York.
- This is happening for a reason.

We were put on this bus to take
this organ to Edelbruck!

(PASSENGERS CHANTING)
Edelbruck! Edelbruck!

Okay, okay, okay!

You think I don't care about
that little girl? Well, you're wrong.

We're going to Edelbruck,
but because I say we are.

(PASSENGERS APPLAUDING)

-(PASSENGERS CHEERING)
- Hey, hey, hey, now!

Everybody behind the yellow line
and sit down!

It's funny, Eddie.

I never thought I'd end up sleeping
in the same bed with you,

and yet somehow,
with you here, I feel safe.

You want me to put on any more clothes?

Nah, that should be fine.

- Good night, Eddie.
- Good night.

I'm giving you ten minutes!

- You find that girl, Santa!

- Go, Santa, go!
- Go, Santa!

-(PASSENGERS SHOUTING) Go, Santa, go!
- Everybody, sit down!

(PASSENGERS GRUMBLING)

(YODELING)

(CONTINUES)

-(DOOR BELL RINGS)
- Hi.

Can you tell me if there's
an Allie Henderson

-or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
- I'm sorry, Santa.

I'm not allowed to give out
information on our guests.

Listen, Ma'am, I have a full plate
of activities tonight,

not to mention a pesky Grinch
who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus

in an attempt to make my life miserable!

I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.

"Policy"? Policy does not
apply to me! I override policy!

I want to know where my girlfriend is.

(YODELING)

(YODELING)

(YODELING)

(YODELING CONTINUES)

(DISGUISES VOICE) Maintenance.

- Where is he?
- Jake?

What are you doing here and...
why are you dressed like Santa Claus?

I had to hijack a bus.

Eddie and his buddies left me
in the desert like this the other night.

(SIGHS)
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.

So what gives with you kissing
that slimy moron?

- It's not what you think.
- Jake.

What are you doing here, bud?
This love nest is full.

Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.

Whoa, whoa. Where's the trust, man?

I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag!

He got me under the mistletoe
for two seconds. Big deal.

It was more like five seconds,
and they were good.

Foul! Fighting foul! (SCOFFS)

How could you let
that idiot give you a ride?

I thought you left me high and dry. What
was I supposed to do, beam myself home?

Allie, I was stuck in the desert.
I couldn't get to you.

I had no choice.

(SIGHS)

Okay, I forgive you.

So... you still mad at me?

Yo, if anyone should be mad here,
it's me, okay?

I've had to listen to nonstop
Natalie Merchant and e.z. Cummings.

It's e.e. Cummings.

I have been stuck
in a Santa suit for two days

fighting off buzzards,
dentures and thugs in lederhosen.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink

and, because of you, I'm not
gonna be home by 6:00 tonight.

Why do you have to be home by 6:00?

What's that?

You heard the question.
"Why do you have to be home by 6:00?"

Because that's when dinner will be ready?

-(RIPS HAT OFF)
- Ow!

If you have even one decent
chromosome in your D.N.A.,

you will not lie to me right now, Jake.

All right.

It's just that... if I get home by then...

my dad's gonna give me the Porsche.

- The Porsche.
- Allie, let me...

Wait. So you didn't trade Cabo for me,
you traded it for a car.

- It's not like that.
- You two deserve each other.

(EDDIE CHUCKLES)

-(DOOR OPENS)
-(SIGHS)

Allie, wait.
Will you just stop and listen to me?

Look, if I had to do it all over again, I
probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.

(GROANS)

What? I was kidding.

You don't care about anybody but yourself.

- You're a manipulator and a liar.
- I am not a liar.

Hey, wait a minute. You're the girl
who needs the transplant?

- Is that what Santa told you?
- Uh-huh.

Right. I'm taking his place on the bus.

- No, wait, Allie. Give me another chance.
- Why?

Because I care about you.
You gotta believe me.

Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep

in a one-horse open sleigh,
I wouldn't believe you.

Allie, I'm sorry.

You know, I can't take fake remorse
from a fake Santa making fake apologies.

You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake,
but you're a genuine butthole!

Bye, Santa.

(SIGHS)

(BUS DEPARTING)

(ROCK MUSIC)

(BOTH SINGING)
I got rolled, the one I love is gone

(BOTH LAUGHING) I got rolled

Oh, man, I've seen guys
get dumped before, but that was nuclear.

I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me, and
I'm gonna be walking funny for a week.

- How do girls do that?
- I don't know.

It's like that whole chick verbal skills
thing. It's...It's deadly.

Oh, man, you know what?
I gotta tell you, bro.

I would have never thought
I'd ever help you out.

But after that massacre...
Man, I just wouldn't be human.

I never thought I'd be
driving home with you either.

- It's pretty wild.
- It sure is.

Now, I get home in time
to get the Porsche,

drive it back to school in January,

figure out how to get Allie back,
everything's gonna be great.

Thanks, Ed-Man.

Sure.

-(SIGHS) Get out.
- What?

All that stuff you just said.
I-I'm sorry, man.

I just can't do that much good stuff
for another person, you know?

It would be way bad for my rep.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

What about that stuff
you just said about being human,

-helping out another guy in need?
- Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.

Besides, what am I doing helping you out

so you can get a Porsche
and be cooler than me?

I mean, it's not very smart.
Not very Eddie.

Uh, you're gonna have
to take that off first.

I know that. Thank you.

Father Christmas, just tell me
what you want from me.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

You better hurry.

(LAUGHING, CHATTERING)

It's called carbo loading. Best thing
you can do before a race like this.

- Hi, I'd like a number, please.
- Okay.

That will be a $10 entrance fee.

- You know, I mailed that in.
- Okay, so we sent you a receipt.

Yes. Yes, you did,
but, you see, here's the dilly.

There was a house fire
and everything got torched:

-personal papers, family photos,
- Excuse me.

That little clay handprint ashtray
I made when I was three.

Tragic tale. I'll cover the kid.

- Hey, thanks. Jake Wilkinson.
- Jeff Wilson.

Here's your hat and beard.

You've gotta have them on
when you cross the finish line

-or you'll be disqualified.
- Here we go again.

Can anyone in this race actually run?

Sparky Fantaloni won
the state marathon ten years ago.

That was before the two-pack-a-day habit
and subsequent lung removal.

(COUGHING)

This guy will give us a run for our money.

- Kenyan?
- Yes.

MAN: All Santas to the starting line.

All Santas to the starting line.

(CHEERING)

- See you at the finish line.
- All right.

Go, Santas, go!

(HOOTING) Go, Santas!

Santas, to your marks.

On your mark...

get set...

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Well, out of all the reindeer
You know you're the mastermind

Run, run, Rudolph
Randolph ain't too far behind

Run, run, Rudolph
Santa's gotta make it to town

I said, Santa, make him hurry
Tell him he can take the freeway down

Run, run, Rudolph, 'cause
I'm reeling like a merry-go-round

(HONKING) Hey, jingle balls.

Move your candy canes.

All I want for Christmas
is a rock-and-roll electric guitar

Go, Santas, go!

Run, run, Rudolph
Whizzin' like a shooting star

-(CROWD CHEERING)
- Run, run, Rudolph

- Come on, guys! Keep going!
- Santa's gotta make it to town

Want a cookie? Want one?

Santa, make him hurry
Tell him he can take the freeway down

Run, run, Rudolph, 'cause
I'm reeling like a merry-go-round

-(LAUGHING)
-(DOG BARKING)

-(SANTAS GRUNTING)
-(CROWD CHEERING)

(GASPS)

Well, that's the end of that.

Or not.

- There you go. Easy does it.
- You'll be okay.

Looks like it's just you and me now.

- Ready to make a run for it?
- I was born ready.

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

- Hey, you forgot your hat!
- Santa Claus is coming to town

- You can't finish without your hat!
- Go, go!

- Santa Claus is coming to town
- Go! Go!

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

-(PANTING)
- Congratulations.

Thanks.

JAKE: Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

(SIREN BLARES)

-(POLICE RADIO, INDISTINCT)
- Jake! Jake, thank God, dude!

They're gonna try to arrest me!
Come down and meet me at the station!

Please, man! I'm begging you!

- Taxi!
-(HORN HONKING)

Santa says, "Take me to the airport."

One one hundred. Two one hundred.
Three one hundred.

(IMITATES PORSCHE ACCELERATING, BREAKING)

Hey, there. All right.

Hey, you're the kid who beat
Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.

Yep, that's me.

- Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson?
- Oh, you didn't know?

Well, he wins every year. A lot
of us folks wish he'd won this year too.

Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
Keeps the potholes filled, huh?

Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.

He also donates his entire
winnings every year

to buy turkeys for people
who can't afford them.

He had to be the mayor. (PUNCHES SEAT)

Ow. (SIGHS)

Can you turn around, please?

I'll be right back.

Hey.

When did Santa start using the mailbox?

Oh, didn't you hear about
the new work exchange program?

The postman should be coming
down your chimney a little later.

You got someplace to go?

(SCOFFS)
Yeah. It's Christmas Eve. Who doesn't?

Could set a place for you.

No. Thanks. I'll be fine.

Jake, merry Christmas.

You too.

Yes, operator. It's collect from Jake.

Tracey, accept the... Thank you.

My, my, dear brother,
you are sounding slightly stressed.

Is it the bumblebees again?

Look, Tracey, I'm not gonna make it
home, and I want you to tell Dad, okay?

What do you mean, you're not gonna
make it home? Is this about Carolyn?

No, it's about being stuck out here
in the middle of nowhere

with absolutely no money.

At the rate I'm going,
I'll show up sometime in January.

So merry Christmas, happy new year,
and I'll see you around.

Wait. What about the Porsche?

What about it?

Wow, you really must be in trouble.

Would you fly home right now if you could?

Uh, like, yeah.

I've got at least four years
of birthday money

stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.

If I went to a ticket agent right now
and bought you a plane ticket home,

you'd make it in time
for Christmas, right?

- You'd do that for me?
- No, I'd do it for Dad.

Plus, think of the incredible
pleasure I'll have

holding this over your head
for the rest of our lives.

Okay, fine. Whatever you want.
I'm near Madison, Wisconsin.

I'll hitch a ride to the airport.
I'll see you soon.

Wait. I don't have any I.D..
How am I gonna pick up the ticket?

Hmm. I know.
I'll make up a secret password

to go with your reservation
that only you would know.

Great. What's it gonna be?

I am a smelly and revolting jerk
who doesn't deserve to live,

and my sister is a mad, cool goddess.

Bingo. Wilkinson, Jake.

- It's an unusual password.
- Unusual everything.

- So what time does the flight leave?
- In 20 minutes.

- I'll need to see a picture I.D..
- I just gave you my password.

That's right, sir, but I can't let you on
the plane without proper identification.

Then what was the point of my password?

- I don't make the rules, sir. It's just...
- Policy. I know.

Thank you.

Next.

(DOG BARKING, WHINING)

Hi.

Coming through. Coming through.

(VIGOROUS LICKING)

(JAKE GRUNTS) Good, Ringo.

Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo.

- Good, Ringo.
-(FLATULENCE)

(GASPING) Bad, Ringo. Bad, Ringo.

-(SIGHS)
-(WHINES)

- Hey! Hey, Billy! The dog! Get him!
-(BARKING)

- Hey!
- Come here, pooch! Come here!

Here, boy! Come back here!

(BAGGAGE HANDLERS CONTINUE SHOUTING)

(BARKING)

JAKE: Excuse me. Coming through.

Excuse me.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?

No.

TRAIN ANNOUNCER: This station
is Pelham. Next stop: New Rochelle.

Followed by Larchmont. Larchmont.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Even a bribe couldn't get him home.

He still has 15 minutes.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, lady, give me a ride? Please?

(GROANS)

Hey, give Santa a ride?

(GROANS)

Will anybody take me to Larchmont?

Whoa!

Hi, Santa Claus.

Wait! Wait, wait! No, no, no!
Don't turn left! Don't turn left!

- Shh.
- What are you doing?

Don't turn! Go straight! Hey!

(GROANS)

(CHATTERING)

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES CHATTERING)

WOMAN: Package people,
do not unwrap yourselves.

I repeat: Do not unwrap yourselves.

You unwrap yourself,
you are out of my parade.

Do I make myself clear?

ANGEL: Hey. Hey.

- All right.
- What do you think you're doing?

-(WHINNIES)
- Hey... buddy.

(WHISTLING "JINGLE BELLS")

I could have swore I parked
that sleigh right here.

( CAROLERS SINGING) Silent night

-(WHINNIES)
- Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Round yon Virgin

Mother and child

(CAROLERS CLAMORING)

Sorry!

Come on, Jake. You can make it.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Nice ride.

Thanks. Just got him back from the shop.

Elves upgraded his shoes
to the new Firestone radials.

Not bad. Maybe you should
have thought about snow tires.

You know, you said even
if Santa showed up on your doorstep

in a one-horse open sleigh,

you still wouldn't believe
that I cared about you.

So I don't expect this to work,

but I gotta give it a shot.

I mean, you know I'm not
the real Santa and...

(SIGHS) contrary to all appearances,
this is not a real sleigh.

But, Allie, for all the times
I've been a genuine jerk,

this is a real apology,

if you'll accept it.

I might.

(LAUGHS)

And this...

is a real kiss.

Come with me to my house.
I have to be there in two minutes.

- Is this still about the Porsche?
- Just come with me.

- But I don't want...
- Just trust me.

Shepherds quake

- At the...
- JAKE: Coming through!

(CAROLERS CLAMORING)

Okay. Let's eat.

What time is it?

It's 5:59. You made it.

Yeah, I guess I did.

Tell me when it's after 6:00, okay?

What do you mean? Aren't you going in?

No. Not yet.

- But I thought...
- Shh, shh, shh.

- Just watch.
- Watch what?

My family.

(CLOCK STRIKING SIX)

Well... guess it's about time
I went home for Christmas.

Care to join me?

You bet.

All right.

Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas!

-(LAUGHS)
- He made it.

Hey, hey, hey! You made it!

-(SIGHS) I'm glad you're here.
- Me too.

- Did you have a hard time getting here?
- Piece of cake.

What's, uh... (LAUGHS)

- What's with the Santa suit?
- Long story, Dad.

- Hey.

- Hey, Allie.
- Hi.

Oh, you stink!

Farting dog, cargo hold. Longer story.

Well, son... she's yours.

- But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
- Don't be silly.

- You were just a few seconds late. Here.
- No, a deal's a deal.

- Besides, she isn't ready yet.
- What do you mean?

Well, we're not really finished
fixing her up yet, are we?

I'm sure it's gonna take us
a bunch more Christmases together

to get all the work done.

Don't you think?

Yeah. Thirty or forty, at least.

Thirty-six.

Excuse me?

My sweater size.
I'm a 36 or a medium. Either will work.

- What's yours?
- Mine?

Yeah. You know, for future information.

Eight. Eight.

- I'll remember that.
-(LAUGHS)

-(MARCHING BAND)
- What the heck is that?

- That would be my parade.
- Excuse me?

- Excuse me?
- Excuse me?

("I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS")

(CONTINUES)

Hey! Wait a minute!

That's our sleigh! That's the guy.

- Come on!
-(CROWD CHATTERING)

Hey, buddy, you stole our sleigh.

You're so lucky you're wearing that suit.

A few days ago I might not
have agreed with you.

- Nice wings.
- Thanks.

- Took a sewing class.
- It shows.

- Peace.
- Okay.

Come on, Santa. Give me a ride home.

- Let's all go for a ride. Come on.
-(LAUGHS)

Oh, I love it. I've never
been in a sleigh before.

DAD: You better be careful. It's a rental.

Whoo!

- Oh, this is great.
- Whoo!

-(WHINNIES)
- Let this buggy rip, bro.

(HAPPY CHATTERING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BELLS JINGLING)

Mmm, merry Christmas

Happy holidays

- Merry Christmas
- Yeah

- Oh, merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas

- Merry Christmas
- Happy holidays

Ooh, yeah

We've been waiting all year for this night

When the snow is glistening
on the trees outside

And all the stockings
are hung by the fireside

Waiting for Santa to arrive

And all the love will show

'Cause everybody knows

It's Christmastime

And all the kids will see

The gifts under the tree

It's the best time of the year

For the family

- It's a wonderful feeling
- Hey, hey

When the love fills the room
from the floor to the ceiling

It's that time of year

Christmastime is here

And with the message from above

God sends you His love

And everything's okay

Merry Christmas, happy holidays

- Oh, yeah
- Merry Christmas

- Mmm
- Merry Christmas

Happy holidays

Oh, yeah

Oh, bells are ringing

- It's time to scream and shout
- Scream and shout

And everybody's playing
'cause school's out

Celebrating

The special times we share

Happiness 'cause love is in the air

And all the love will show

'Cause everybody knows

It's Christmastime

And all the kids will see

- Will see
- Gifts under the tree

- The tree
- It's the best time of the year

For the family

- It's a wonderful feeling
- Wonderful feeling

When the love fills the room
from the floor to the ceiling

- Oh, yeah
- It's that time of year

- That time of year
- Christmastime is here

- Ooh, yeah
- The message from above

God sends you His love

And everything's okay

Merry Christmas, happy holidays

- Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

And happy holidays

- Ooh
- Merry Christmas

- Oh, yeah
- Merry Christmas

And happy holidays

No matter what your holiday

It's a time to celebrate

- Put your worries aside
- Worries aside

- And open up your mind
- Open up your mind

See the world right by your side

- It's Christmastime
- Merry Christmas

- Merry Christmas
- Ooh, yeah, merry Christmas

- Merry Christmas
- Happy holidays

- Sing it everybody
- Merry Christmas

- Come on now
- Merry Christmas

- Let me hear you, hey
- Merry Christmas

- And happy holidays
- Happy holidays

It's a wonderful feeling

When the love fills the room
from the floor to the ceiling

- Oh, yeah
- It's that time of year

- That time of year
- Christmastime is here

- Ooh, yeah, oh
- The message from above

- God sends you His love
- Oh, yeah

- And everything's okay
- Yeah, yeah, yeah

Merry Christmas, happy holidays

- Come on now
- Merry Christmas

- Let me hear you
- Merry Christmas

And happy holidays

- Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas

- Merry Christmas
- Oh, yeah

- Merry Christmas
- Yeah, yeah

And happy holidays

Merry Christmas

- Merry Christmas
- Come on now

- Merry Christmas, happy holidays
- Happy holidays

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)