All language subtitles for Dobrý voják Švejk [1956]

Filmexport Home Video presents

THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK

Starring:

Schweik:

Mrs. Muller:
Innkeeper Palivec:

Detective Brettschneider:
Army Chaplain:

Lieutenant Lukas:
Mrs. Wendler:

Minor parts acted by:

Assistant Director:

Screen Play and Direction:

So they've killed our Ferdinand,
Mr. Schweik!

- Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller?
I know two.

One of them does jobs for Prussia
the chemist,

and one day he drank a bottle of
hair oil by mistake...

- But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke
Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste,

you know, the fat, pious one.

- Good Lord, that's a fine thing...

And where did this happen?

- They shot him at Sarajevo,
with a revolver, you know.

He was riding there with his Archduchess
in a motor car.

- Fancy that, Mrs. Muller,

what a bad end a ride in a motor car
can have!

Did he suffer long?
- The Archduke

was done for on the spot!
U ou know,

a revolver is no plaything.
- With some revolvers, Mrs. Muller,

you could try till you were dotty,
and they still wouldn't go off!

But they are sure to have used

something better than that
for the Archduke!

And I wouldn't mind betting,
Mrs. Muller, that the fellow who did it

put on his Sunday best for the job.

U ou know, this is not a case
of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper.

For a job like this, you have to wear
a top hat,

or else the police would run you in
before you got near him.

- I hear there were a whole lot of them,
Mr. Schweik.

- Of course, Mrs. Muller!

If you for instance wanted to kill
an Archduke...

- Oh, Mr. Schweik!
...or the Emperor,

naturally you'd talk it over
with somebody.

Two heads are better than one.

One gives one bit of advice,
the other gives another

and so the good work prospers.
As our National Anthem says.

- The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik,
that the Archduke

was properly riddled with bullets.

The assassin emptied the whole lot
into him.

- That was mighty quick work,
Mrs. Muller.

I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.

It looks like a toy,

but in a couple of minutes, you could
shoot twenty Archdukes with it,

thin or fat!

- I got the shock of my life now.

I thought somebody had been spying
on us!

- But instead of that, our Balaban,

sold six times already,
has returned again.

- Aren't you unlucky with that dog,
Mr. Schweik...

Why did you take him in to begin with?

- I had to take care of him,
you know,

because he is so ugly that all
the other dogs avoid him.

And he was so sad about it.

- All that suffering he's caused us!

- Well, now, Mrs. Muller,
I'm going round to the "Flagon".

- All right,
Mr. Schweik.

- Give my key with the house porter,
please!

- Good bye, Mr. Schweik!

- We are having a fine summer,
aren't we?

- All damn rotten!

- That's a fine thing they have done for
us at Sarajevo, don't you agree?

- Do you mean the wine shop in Nusle?
They have a rumpus there every day.

- No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia.
They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there.

What do you think of that?
- I never shove my nose

into that sort of thing.
I've got my business to see to.

- Innkeeper,

you used to have a picture
of the Emperor hanging there...

- That's right,
it used to hang there,

but flies left their trademarks
all over it, so I put it into the attic.

U ou see, somebody might pass
a remark about it

and then there would be trouble.
What do I need that kind of trouble for?

- Good day to all of you, Gentlemen!
- Alright, Mr. Schweik.

- One Black beer for me today.
- A black one...?

- In Vienna, they're also in black today,
for mourning.

U ou won't believe me,
gentlemen,

but I know that something will happen
at Sarajevo.

- What, you know about it...?
- Of course,

as soon as there is an army parade,
something is bound to happen.

Allow me, is this yours?
- Please.

- I remember once, during an inspection
like that,

there were twenty buttons missing
from my tunic

and I got two weeks solitary
confinement for it,

and had to spend two days of it tied up,
hand and foot.

And all that because of discipline.

Our company commander, a fellow called
Makovec, always used to say:

"There's got to be discipline,
you thick-headed louts,

or else you'd be crawling about like
monkeys on trees!"

And isn't it true, gentlemen?
- Hm.

- Just imagine a park,

on Charles Square for instance,

with an undisciplined soldier
on every tree...

That's what I was always most afraid of.

- That business at Sarajevo was done
by the Serbians.

- U ou are wrong there.

It was done by the Turks,
because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.

They're cross, because our Emperor

did not help them in the war
with Serbia.

Do you like Turks?
Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?

- A customer is a customer!
And he may be a Turk for all that.

People like us, who have a business
to look after,

can't be bothered with politics.

Pay for your drink, and you can sit down
and talk about what you like!

- All right, Innkeeper,
but you'll have to admit

that it's a great loss to Austria.

- U es, there's no denying it.
A fearful loss!

U ou can't replace Ferdinand by any sort
of fool.

Isn't that true?

I say, I wouldn't like to be
the Archdukes widow.

What's she going to do now?
The children are orphans,

the estate at Konopiste is without
a master, what is she going to do...?

Marry another Archduke?
What good would come of that?

She'd take another trip to Sarajevo
and be left a widow for the second time!

- Come, come, gentlemen, talk about
something else! I don't like this!

One word leads to another and then
you might be sorry!

- We are not drunk enough
to make nasty remarks about the Emperor!

- And what sort of nasty remarks

about the Emperor do people make
when they are...

- Well...
- Well, what...?

- All sorts.
- Well, what sorts?

Do you know any?

- Get drunk...
- And then what?

...get them to play the Austrian
National Anthem...

- Well, and...?

...and you'll see what you'll start
saying.

But the Emperor is not going to put up
with that sort of thing.

Little do you know!
There's got to be war with them Turks!

Kill my uncle, would you?

Then take this smack in the jaw
for a start.

There's going to be a war!
That's all I can tell you.

- Follow me into the alley and
I'll tell you something.

- Let me have another Slivovitz

and I shall have to go,
you know, I've just been arrested.

- Come here!

Are you married?
- U es.

- And can your wife carry on
the business during your absence?

- U es.

- Well then, hand the business over
to your wife

and we shall come for you
in the evening!

- But why?
- Don't you worry,

I am being run in only for high treason.
- And I was being that careful!

- I've got you for saying that the flies
left their trademarks on the Emperor.

Let's go!

They'll knock all that stuff
about the Emperor out of your head!

- I am innocent!
I don't read the papers at all!

- What concern is that of mine...?
- I am not interested

in politics! Mister!

Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent!

- For God's sake, where did you put
my basket?

- Call my lawyer
immediately!

- What's that?! What's that?!
- Off you go!

- Please...
be kind enough to tell the inspector,

that I'm a stationer!

- Is there a vacant place here?

- Well, what does it look like
outside? Shall we be here for long?

- It depends on the kind of crime
you have committed.

- Mister, I'm the chairman
of the "Smallholder's Union"!

We just had a garden party.
Two tons of Wiener schnitzels

and a lottery.

And just when the party was going fine,
a gentleman came around

and told us to stop,
that Austria was in mourning.

So I said: "Just wait a moment,

wait till they've played 'Hey, Slovane"'.
And here I am.

- Well, you can be sure of a long stay!
They took me in

just for trumping a king at cards
and saying:

"Bang goes the king, just like
in Sarajevo."

- This looks like ten years

for each of us.
- But why me?!

I have a stationer's shop!
- I'm innocent, Mister!

I'm innocent!

- So was Jesus Christ,
and they crucified him for all that!

Well, nobody has ever anywhere
at anytime,

cared a damn whether a man's innocent or not

- That's true.

- I am not Jesus Christ,

I'm really innocent!
- Quiet, now!

- Please, Mister,
you have such a kind look on you face,

tell them I'm innocent!

- Quiet, please!
I'm preparing a lecture!

- I am innocent!
- Come on...

- And why do you happen to be here?

- Leave me alone,
you good-for-nothings.

With you, I could only get into trouble.

- This gent is here for attempted murder
only.

He tried to murder an old man
from Holice.

- Now I'm here, too!
- I felt sure the gentleman

would keep his word. It's nice to know
you can rely on people.

- I don't give a damn!

- Well, I think I'll go mad!
We are really in prison!

- It used to be much worse, you know.
In the old days, the accused had

to walk over glowing hot iron...
- U ou don't say!

...and they made them drink
melted lead!

- For God's sake!
- Today, it's a real pleasure!

We have bunks, and a table,

and the toilet is right under our noses.
- U es.

- Conditions have certainly improved!
To our benefit.

- Schweik Joseph!
Come up for examination!

- Excuse me.

- But I didn't say
anything like that!

- How often are you going to spit,
man?

- Well, as a matter of fact,
I don't feel like it,

but I'm trying to do as the regulations
tell me to.

- Ha. I'm sure...
- That notice over there says...

...some at the "Flagon".

- Good evening,
gentlemen, I hope you're all well!

- Take that idiotic expression
off your face!

- I can't help it!

I was discharged from the army
on account of being feeble minded.

I'm feeble minded officially, please.

- The offences you have committed show,

that you have got all your wits
about you!

Insulting his Royal Highness,
approval of the murder of the Archduke,

making fun of the State Mourning,
inciting rebellion...

Why are you sticking your nose
into my papers?!

- I only wanted to know
whether anything has been left out!

- What have you got to say for yourself?

- There's a lot of it. U ou know,
you can have too much of a good thing.

- So you admit it's true?

- I admit everything.
U ou've got to be strict!

- Who do you keep company with?
- My charwoman, Sir.

- And you don't know anybody
in political circles here?

- Of course I do,
I buy the "National Politics" regularly,

because of the ads, you know,
in case someone looks for a lost dog...

- Shut your trap!

Do you admit everything?

- If you wish me to admit me everything,

I shall admit it.
Sir, but if you tell me:

"Schweik, don't you admit anything!"

Then I shall argue the point
till the end of my days.

- Sign here!

- Just a moment!
I forgot the full stop.

Is there anything else for me to sign?

- U ou'll be taken
to the Criminal Court in the morning.

- And at what time, Sir?
I would not like to oversleep,

whatever happens!
- Get out!

- Well, I only wanted
to avoid causing a delay...

So what?
How?

- I just confessed

that I probably killed Archduke
Ferdinand.

- Welcome.

CRIMINAL COURT
This golden gate,

is open today,

Who walks in,
will lose his head,

This golden gate is open today,

who walks in, will lose his head...

- Good day.

- Sit down.

So you are Mr. Schweik?

- I think I must be,

because my dad was called Schweik

and my mother was Mrs. Schweik.

- This is a fine business
you've been up to...

U ou've got plenty on your conscience!

- I've always got plenty
on my conscience.

I'll bet I've got more on my conscience
than what you have, Sir.

- I can see that
from the statement you signed.

Well...

Did they bring any pressure to bear
on you at Police Headquarters?

- Not a bit of it, Sir!

When they told me to sign,
I just did what they told me to.

I'm not going to quarrel with them
over my own signature.

I shouldn't be doing myself
any good that way!

- Do you feel quite well,
Mr. Schweik?

- I wouldn't say quite well,
U our Honor.

I've got rheumatism
and I'm using embrocation for it.

When the weather is about to change,
it hurts something awful!

Do you hear how my joints creak?

- Do sit down again!

What do you say, Mr. Schweik,

if we were to have you examined
by the medical authorities?

- There was one doctor,
who examined me already

at Police Headquarters,
to see if I had V.D.

Well... you know, Mr. Schweik,

I think we shall try the medical board.

U ou'll have a nice rest,
won't you?

One more question.

U ou are supposed to have said,

that war is going to break out soon.

- U es, U our Honor.
It will break out any moment now.

- Don't you think
you could be wrong?

- I hope not,

after all, it's already written down
in my statement, U our Honor.

- So you know it for sure?

- Anybody may be wrong,

an educated man as well
as an illiterate fool.

Even ministers are wrong sometimes.

- Don't you ever feel
run down at all?

- No, U our Honor,

except that I once got nearly run down
by a motor car,

on Charles' Square.
But that's years ago.

- That's quite enough.
U ou may go now.

- Thanks very much, U our Honor,
I'm very pleased to have met you!

Gentlemen, long live
our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!

- The case is quite clear.

Any further examinations
are quite unnecessary.

- But we shall have to comply
with the law!

- Take five steps!

I've told you to take five steps only!

- A few steps more or less
won't kill me.

And I did not complain of anything
having fallen in my eye.

- Show us your teeth!
Better, man, better!

- This is how a Danish hound
would do it, gentlemen!

- Sit down!

Cross your feet!

Not this way, at leisure!

- Tell us quickly, could you
measure the diameter of the globe?

- Tell us quickly!
Is radium heavier than lead?

- I've never weighed it, Sir.

- Listen, you can sing?

Could you sing a song for us?

- Of course, gentlemen.

I have neither voice nor ear,

but I shall do it to please you,
if you want to have some fun.

Oh, the monk

in the armchair yonder,

in his hand

he bows his head...

That's all I know,
but then,

I know some folksongs, like:
"God save our Emperor"

and "When we went into the war..."
and then some hymns...

- I believe
that's quite enough.

- One more question,

professor.
- Of course, please yourself.

- Dear colleague, I believe...
- No, no!

I insist on this question!

Tell me, how much is

12897 times

13863?

- 729.

- Let's write down
our findings.

The undersigned medical authorities,

agree on the complete insanity
of Joseph Schweik,

who expresses himself in terms such as

"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph
the First!"...a remark,

which completely suffices

to demonstrate

Schweik's mind to be that

of an obvious imbecile.

The undersigned medical authorities

thus return the examined Joseph Schweik

to the responsible authorities.

That's the Emperor's proclamation
to say, that war has been declared!

- I saw it coming,

but in the Asylum they don't know
anything about it yet,

although they should be the first
to get it.

- What do you mean by this?

- Because they've got
a lot of army officers locked up there.

- Aha. Right.

- Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph!

We'll win this war!

- That's enough.
No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!

Gentlemen, I can see it
quite clearly.

We're absolutely bound to win this war!

- I'm extremely sorry
that you've fallen into our hands again.

We thought you'd turn over a new leaf,
but we seem to have been mistaken!

Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it
that induced you

to indulge in such silly tricks?!

- I don't know what silly tricks
you mean!

- Well, isn't it a silly trick
to cause a crowd to collect

and incite them by shouting:
"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph,

we'll win this war!"?

- It fairly riled me to see them
all reading the Royal proclamation

and not showing any pleasure about it
at all,

nobody shouted Hooray or called
for cheers!

So I, being an old soldier,
had to shout these words!

And I think, that if you'd been
in my place,

you'd have done just the same.

If there's a war, it's got to be won.
Nobody is going to talk me out of that!

- I thoroughly appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but the fact that you were
under police escort

must have made a rather
ironic impression...

- When a man is being run in
by a police officer,

it is a critical moment in his life.

And, if at such a moment,

a man does not forget to do
the proper thing,

that is not a bad thing at all.

- Go to blazes, Schweik!

But if we ever meet here again,

you will go straight before
a Court Martial! Is that clear?

- God bless you for everything
you have done!

And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog
at any time,

just call on me,

I deal in dogs.
- Get out!

I don't believe him anyway.
Go on, tell us, inspector,

How can a lout like him be interested
in Austria winning the war?

- Well, in any case,
don't let him get out of sight!

As you wish...
U ou know what?

We'll try to take him unawares!

- Well,
U es, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Good day.
- Good day.

- Well, here I am, back again.

But where is Mr. Palivec?

- They gave him...
...ten years...

a week... ago.

- Fancy that now...

then he has already served
seven days of it.

- And he was that cautious...

- Caution is the mother of wisdom.

Well, let me have a large rum!

- And the sausages,
Mrs. Palivec?

- I'm getting them right away.

- Good day.

- Fancy that, a man called Cimpera,

Straskov No.6,

is selling a farm with 13 acres
of fields,

situated close to school and railway...

- I am surprised to find that you are
interested in farming, Mr. Schweik.

- Oh, it's you, is it?

I didn't recognize you!

- I came here today on your account.
- Well, let's go then.

- Stay where you are!

All I want is a dog.

- That I can get for you!

- Oh God...!

Help me, I'm so unhappy!

What have I ever done to anybody?

- Don't cry, woman!
In three months, we'll have won the war,

there will be an amnesty
and your husband will come home!

- And will that help me?

Here I have hot sausages
and all the customers went away!

Why do you keep coming here?

U ou will ruin me.

- Well, leave them here,
I'll pay for them!

And a bottle of wine,
I want to spend some real money today!

- Wouldn't you like a police dog?
I know a man who's got one.

- U ou know,
all I'm concerned about is his size.

- The one I'm talking about
is about this size...

- Oh, no!
I'd like a ratter.

Quite a small one... a cheap one.

- A ratter is no calf.

The smaller they are,
the more they cost!

- Well, in that case...
...a bigger one will do.

- I'll have to ask you
for an advance of 30 crowns,

and I'll get you a dog that will make
everybody's head turn round.

- 30 crowns?
Well...

Here they are.
And let's have a drink on the bargain!

- One more, please!
- What's wrong?

- Well, you have to pay for having fun!

- Today you don't have to be afraid
of me, I'm not on duty

and you can say whatever you like
about politics!

- I don't discuss things like that
in a pub.

Anyway, all politics are for children.
- U ou think so?

Of course, yes,
or for such fools

as Franz Joseph.
Hahahaha...

Come here, friend! ...U ou do like me,
don't you?

- Look here, friend,
give me some advice,

I want to register with the Anarchists.

Why not, what do you say to that?
U es. And all that... Look, look, look...

Come here and take this!
Take this!

Call me by my first name,
will you?

- "What every good citizen earns,

the state takes away from him!"

- Don't be silly!

Someone will come and you'll have
difficulties...

U ou get all sorts today!
Look, Bohous,

what about that ratter,
where do I deliver him?

Ratter?
What ratter?

Oh, the ratter!

Bohous... Pepik...
Don't worry about ratters,

U ou know, I shall come
and get the ratter...

personally...

- Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik!
- Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.
So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller!

- For Christ's sake,
Mr. Schweik, so you're alive?

Don't be cross with me,
I took a new lodger,

he's a porter in a nightclub.
They searched your place three times.

Everybody said you are a lost cause,
because you are such a card!

- Look here, boss,
get up,

or you'll be late!

- Get out!

- I'd be very sorry if you'd have
to state to your company commander

that it was my fault you overslept
the mobilization.

See for yourself,
here it is,

there's a war on!

- What sort of stupid joke
is this?

- War!

- And I wanted to sleep
till eight in the evening.

Marena, get up!

- Hello, hello.

They're taking them to the station now.

- Luis, I won't let you go!

Christ, you are such a big chunk
of a fellow,

they'll hit you in no time!

- Marena, damn you,
don't be silly!

I've been working in a nightclub
for ten years...

A silly war can have no surprises
for me!

Let's go!

- The Emperor declared war

and asked everybody to join...

- Mrs. Muller!

Mrs. Muller!

- U es, Mr. Schweik?
Is your rheumatism worse again?

- Hand me my army cap
from the wardrobe!

I'm going to join the army!

- Gracious me...
And what are you going to do there?

- Fight!

Austria's in a bad way,
that's why they are calling me up.

Even our evening paper admits now,
that our dear fatherland is threatened

by dark clouds.
- Clouds can move, can't they!

- It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller,
I'll join the army in a Bath chair!

The confectioner around the corner
has just the thing I want.

U ears ago, he used to wheel his lame,
wicked grandfather in it.

- But, Mr. Schweik...!

- Get that wheel chair

and push me to the war!

To Belgrade!
To Belgrade!

- Look, people, how funny.
A lame man going to enlist!

- They're going to win, aren't they...

- To Belgrade!

U ou are wrong, I have it here,
written out quite clearly!

- To appear before the authorities,
clean, tidy

and in a sober state...

What is there to laugh about?!
- As you can see,

my dear policeman,

I'm really going to join up!

For the Emperor
and his family!

- He's a heroic soldier!

- Escort this man
to the local Army Headquarters!

- Let me pass!
Let me pass!

I know this gent from "Free Mind"!

Long live the Serbians, our brothers!
Don't you agree?

Hip hip...
Hooray!

- People,
that's a secret policeman!

- He's trying to provoke us!

- Das ganze
tschechische Volk

ist eine simulanten Bande!

How many people are to appear
before the Board today?

- 550.

- And how many should be drafted?
- 550.

- Well, get them here, quick!

Halasek Joseph, baker.

- One hundred and sixty.
- Tauglich!

- Kocicka Vaclav - waiter.

- Tauglich!

- Hrdina Borivoj - teacher.

- Tauglich!

Take that malingerer away!

Waiter!

- Schweik Joseph!
- Here!

- Superarbitrated on account
of being feeble minded.

- And what else is wrong with you?

- Beg to report, Sir,
I've got rheumatism,

but I'll serve the Emperor
till I'm hacked to pieces.

- Sie sind ein Simulant!

Arrest that man immediately,

and take him to Dr. Grunstein,

he cures every single one for them!

- Doctor's round!
- Doctor's round!

- Out of bed!
Doctor Grunstein.

Out!

Macuna.
Asthma.

- Enema and aspirin.

- Kotatko - deaf and dumb.

- Have you been like that since birth?

Wash his stomach out and quinine!

- Pokorny - tuberculosis.

- Double enema!

- Schweik.
- Here!

- No diagnosis as yet.

- What's wrong with you then?

- I obediently report
that I've got rheumatism.

- Oh, what a coincidence, getting
rheumatism when there's a world war

and you're supposed to fight...!

U ou must be cursing your luck!

- I obediently report, oberarzt,
that I'm cursing my luck!

- Hm.
And do your knees hurt?

- I obediently report that they hurt.

- Well, we'll treat you here
better than in Pistany!

And you'll be marching to the front
as fast as your legs can carry you!

Write this down!
Complete diet,

wash his stomach out once a day
and an enema once a day!

A proper one!

Until he begs all the saints
for the rheumatism to get up and go!

Right, now...

...now I'm going to give you
some medicine.

Drink that immediately!

- God save our souls...!

- I am not going to examine you,
you bums!

I know you are all malingerers
who want to shirk the army.

Don't think me an utter fool!

Those beds have accommodated
whole swarms of men,

who had nothing wrong with them except
a lack of military spirit!

I cured all of them with my enemas.

In twenty years to come,
you'll still scream in your sleep

when you dream

you're trying to swing the lead
on Doctor Grunstein!

- Beg to report, Sir,

my ability to speak and my hearing
seem to be returning.

- Good,

but you'll have your enema
before you go,

so you can't complain
we didn't cure you here!

- The most sacred emotions
were touchingly demonstrated

by a cripple,
who was being wheeled along

in a Bath chair by an old woman.

"To Belgrade!", shouted
this worthy son of the Czech nation,

who enlisted in the army,

in order to prove his fidelity
to the Emperor.

This man is prepared to give his life
and possessions for his monarch.

- Genug, ma chere!
Genug!

- As U our Excellency,
the Baroness, commands.

It goes no further anyway.

- Ach, mein Gemahl,

the general von Botzenheim,
he used to say:

A Czech soldier,
always a good soldier!

Johann!

We must go to the hospital immediately,
to find this heroic soldier!

It's no good coming here
with rheumatism!

This stands as much chance here
as corns!

I have only half a stomach
and nobody believes me anyway!

The best thing is to have petrol
injected under the skin!

That gives you an elevated temperature,
which makes you want

to jump out of the window!

- Jesus,

I'm hungry!

I cant stand it any longer!

- I had a dream today,

that I was eating some lovely
dumplings.

- Hot or cold?

- Cold.
- That I couldn't,

I prefer them hot,

and a nice, golden brown color!

- For God's sake, fellows,
stop talking about food!

- Everybody to bed!
Did you hear me?

Be quick about it! Get a move on!

Some Archduchess is supposed
to come here!

What are you waiting for?
For goodness' sake, lads!

Hurry up!

And don't dare to show your dirty feet,
you louts!

No complaints either,
do you hear me?

Who says a word will be strung up later!

- I beg to report that I'd like to
welcome the Archduchess.

I know a very nice welcoming address.
- Will you lie down!

- I obediently report
that I'm lying down.

- Well, here is our dear Schweik.

He's being very patient.

A chair!
- Schweik, two enemas and a chair!

- For the Baroness!
- An enema for the Baroness?

- A chair!
- Oh, a chair!

- A Czech soldier -
very good soldier!

A crippled soldier,
I love a Czech Austrian.

I've read everything in the papers!

Johann! Come here!

I've brought you something nice
to eat...

...bite...

...sip...

...to smoke...

and to drink.

Read the inscription aloud!

- Deutschmeisster,
liqueur for soldiers and civilians.

Gott strafe England.

- When in need...

Pardon me, Madam,

I wanted to say:

"God bless you for all these gifts,

amen!"

- Look how the soldier
enjoys it all!

I am sure he will be cured soon
and fit for the front!

- Certainly, Baroness.
I won't keep him a day longer,

than necessary!

- I haven't smoked since heaven
knows when!

Stop it! Don't be stupid!
Quiet now!

- Here!
- Here!

Habt acht!
Habt acht!

Habt acht!
Habt acht!

- So, you louts,
you don't appreciate my kindness!

I pump your stomachs,
I give you enemas,

and the moment I turn my back you
try to kill yourselves by overeating!

All of them are to have their stomachs
pumped out, immediately!

Do you know the Baroness?

- She's my stepmother.

She abandoned me
at a tender age

and now she's found me again.

- Give him another enema
and then send him straight to jail!

- Don't spare me!

The foundations of the Austrian Empire
are based on that enema

and victory is sure to be ours!

- Smell my fist,
you lout!

- I wouldn't like to feel it
on my nose! It smells of graveyards!

- Well, then, remember it,
you twerp!

- Just a moment
I'm coming!

- Now you'll see a good show!
The chaplain is usually drunk.

- Habt acht!

Everybody follow me in prayers.

Repeat what I'll say.

Which Sunday is it, anyway?

I know it won't work!

I am all for having you shot!

I insist on it from this holy place,
you good - for - nothings,

because you won't turn over
a new leaf

and you want to continue on
the thorny road of a sinner!

I ask you not to blow your nose here!

We are not horses and neither are we
in a stable!

Sergeant,
don't you notice anything?

Remember, that you are soldiers

and not blasted civilians!

And that you must see

through a dark cloud

into the distant space!

And know, that everything here

lasts only

for a short time.

U es.
Well... where did I stop?

God is merciful,

but only towards decent people,

and not for a gang of rotters,
who take no notice of God's laws

and the army's regulations!

U ou don't even know how to pray,

and you think this some sort of a show

or circus.

Do you hear me,
you down there in your underclothes?

- Beg to report, Sir,
we hear you!

- Some day you'll remember me

and you'll know that I meant well!

That man should serve you as an example!

What is he doing?
He's crying!

Don't cry!

I tell you, stop it!

Do you want to become a better man?

That's not such an easy job,
my lad!

U ou're crying now,
but when you get back to your cell,

you'll be just as big a louse as before!

I've finished, you loafers,

and I want you to behave properly
during mass!

And not like last time,

when some of you fellows at the back
were swapping government linen for grub!

At ease!

So here you are!

That's the first time
anyone has ever shed a tear

in my church.

Admit it, you blackguard,

that you've cried only for fun!

- I beg to report, Sir,
that I was really scamming.

I saw that what your sermon needed
was the reformed sinner,

so I tried to oblige.

- I'm beginning to like you!

What are you here for?

- Beg to report, Sir,
I really don't know.

I always mean well

and it turns out badly.

Just like the martyr in that picture.

- I will ask the provost about you!

Dismissed!

Schweik isn't here!

What the hell is in those shelves?

If at least you had a bottle
in every drawer...

We could drink them up in alphabetic
order.

- There's such a mess
in those files, such a chaos.

Hallo!
Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking!

Captain, I should like to know
whether you haven't got the file

relating to a man called Schweik!

I am supposed to have it?

That's odd.
Excuse me.

It's beginning to interest me too,
what's happening to this fellow Schweik!

- Seek and ye shall find.
God's mercy is endless.

What about cards, do you play?

- Well,
I am out of luck lately!

But I know a girl,
I tell you, she is a sweet bit!

- Hey, I need a batman!

- Well, here you are, here's Schweik!
And right on top of the file, too.

I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work.
- What did he do?

- That I don't know, but look!
He's been executed.

- Rubbish!
I've just been talking to him.

- And what is he here for?
- He doesn't know himself.

- That's what they all say!

Richtig, richtig,
somebody mixed up the files.

But what shall we do now?
- No, co...!

Well, sentence someone else
on Schweik's files.

- That will be difficult.

- That's a pity.
Tomorrow, I'm having a party,

there'll be drinks, and ladies too...
U ou will come, won't you?

- Well, since it's you, dear padre,
you can have him!

- Who do you keep greeting
all the time?

- All these people
are acquaintances of mine.

- Oh, you don't say?
Are you from Prague?

- From Prague, yes.
- U ou won't give us the slip?

- Of course he'd run away
at the first chance!

- Why should he?
He's practically free now!

I have it here, in my pocket.

- And what do you have in your pocket?
- Well, I don't quite know.

- U ou see! U ou don't even know
and yet you're talking!

- Don't you know why we are taking you
to the Army Chaplain?

- For confession.

- What, for confession?
- U es, they'll hang me tomorrow.

- Hang?
- That's how it's done.

They call it spiritual comfort.

- Oh well, come along!

Halt!

Nur fur Militar! Bis jetzt.

- How about taking those bayonets off?
After all, he's one of us!

- But how?

Halt!
- Are you crazy?

- Look here, you know this place.
Do you know of a pub handy?

- Why not?
Just round the corner from here.

There's even music, a fiddle,
an accordion...

U ou can leave your rifles
in the kitchen.

- What is it?

- Do you remember the arrangements
we made?

Do you know...?
Understand?

- Oh, of course!

Is it a safe place?

- Very, only tarts go there
and similar decent people!

- Let's go!

On Pankrac hill,

right on the top of it,

trees are planted.

On Pankrac hill,

right on the top of it,

trees are planted.

I had a girl friend,

now someone else has got her!

I had a girl friend,

now someone else has got her!

- Schweik, come here!
Where did they dress you up like this?

- Schweik, you ought to have
a photo taken!

- Christ, it's Schweik!

- Good day to you, gentlemen!

Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik!
A coffee, please.

A coffee for everybody, please. Right.
Thank you.

- Cheers!

U our health! U ou know, after all,
we shouldn't drink to you health...

- Tell us,
why are they going to string you up?

- Perhaps he was born
on an unlucky planet.

- But they won't hang somebody
for nothing!

There has to be a reason for it!

So that the... is reasonable!

- It's not like that in war.

U ou're supposed to fall at the front,
or be executed at home...

What difference does it make?

- Aren't you a little bit political?

- Too much!
- Let's knock it on the head!

- If you were smart boys,
you'd buy us a drink!

- Of course, ladies!
Why not?

Waiter, come here!
Ferda, vermouth!

... by a little window

sits a beautiful blonde.

Sits a beautiful blonde.

By a little window

sits a beautiful blonde.

Sits a beautiful blonde.

Come closer soldier boy,

you"re not afraid of a girl?!

I touched the handle,

and I heard music.

And I heard music.

I touched the handle,

And I heard music.

And I heard music.

My dear Kamila...

- Madam,
that Vermouth is like water!

Send us a bottle of something decent.
That gent's going to pay for it all!

- In a moment! In a moment!

- I've a small farm
in Holovousy.

There's lovely apples in my garden.

When I get my Urlaub,
I'll bring you half a ton.

- And what have you got in your pocket?
- That? That's a state secret!

- Here you are, ladies and gents!
- The Devil's Liquor!

- You"re my sweetie-pie,
sweetie-pie.

You"re my,
You"re my

sweetie-pie.

You"re my, you"re...
- Come outside with me!

For a fiver, I'll give you
a nice injection, petrol, you know,

and you're sure to be in hospital
for at least 3 months!

- Don't be scared! That man's a medic.
Nobody will be the wiser

and you'll be nice and safe
for a long time!

- Hahaha. A medic...!
Hahaha.

- Ouch!

- Hip, hip, hip,
hip!

Hip, hip, hip, hip!

Hip, hip!

- Come to me, those who have wine!
As I'm thirsty!

- Come here,
my little muff!

- Oh, well!

So you're here, Schweik,
are you?

- Beg to report, Sir.
A package!

- I say, got a match?
- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't.

- I say, why not?
Every soldier ought to have matches

to light up with.
A soldier without matches is...

What is he?
- Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless.

- Obviously, very good.
He's without matches

and can't give anybody a light.

That's it.

Do you drink liquor, Schweik?

- No liquor for me, Sir,
only rum.

- Just take a look at that big lout
over there! Come here!

I borrowed him today
from Lieutenant Feldhuber.

He's a...
He's a teetotaler!

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
you bloody fool?

Do you know what you deserve?
A punch in the jaw...!

So you're drunk!

U ou're drunk while on duty

and you'll be punished for it!
I'll have you arrested!

Right now, I'm going to phone
for the MPs.

Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing
at that switchboard?

Let me have the K. And K.
Korpskommando immediately!

What? What do you say?
I don't understand a single word!

- Don't be a fool now!

It was us escorting you, wasn't it?

- Well, my dears,
as Napoleon used to say:

"In war, the situation changes
from one moment to another..."

- I could do with a drink!

- I can't get through
to the barracks.

So, go home, the two of you! Run away!
And remember,

mustn't booze while on duty!
Out with you!

- Sir!

- Madam,
I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?

I want some more Eau de Cologne!

- Sir!
Here's some black coffee.

- Listen... you...
- Schweik!

- Schweik.
- Schweik, tell me,

didn't I misbehave yesterday?

- Beg to report, Sir,
everything went smoothly.

Only when I was letting the ladies
out of the house,

a gent, looking like a Turk
with a Fez on his head,

came out of the door opposite ours
and tried to cause a disturbance.

- And what was the result?
- I gave him a punch on the jaw

and he calmed down.
- U ou shouldn't have done it!

That was the Landlord...
- Well, now he knows

that owning a house is no fun!

It couldn't happen to us!
We don't own a house.

- There you're right.

All we own is...

Schweik, all we own is...

...36 pennies.

I wish I was employed
at the Quartermaster's Store,

there I could at least pinch a barrel
of rum or some lard.

But what shall we do?

What about selling the sofa?

- We wouldn't get much for that one.
- U ou think so?

Let's keep it then!
It belongs to the Landlord anyway.

I know what we'll do, Schweik.
I'll give you three addresses

to go to and borrow money.
U ou'll go to Bruska street...

...to Captain Schnabel's and ask him

to lend me a hundred crowns.

He was lucky at cards two days ago
so what.

And in case you're not successful there,
you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks

and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.

- The chaplain isn't at home!
- So he isn't in...?

- I told you already,
that he isn't in!

- So he went to the coffee house...?
- U ou'd have to

wait somewhere!
- So I'd have to wait?

Well, all right, I'll wait.

Till tomorrow morning,
if necessary.

Fine thing, he's got money
for the coffee house,

but no money to pay his debts with!

A fine Chaplain, pfui!

- Sir, I ask you not to spit here!

- And I'll spit once more,
if I feel like it!

Like this. Do you see?

- If you're an educated man,
behave yourself

and don't act like a vagabond!

- So I don't behave decently?

And what do I behave like, tell me!
Just you tell me, you...

- A hooligan, that's what you are!
Spitting on the floor

just like in a train.
I was wondering all the time,

why there are notices everywhere,
about not spitting on the floor!

Now I know, it's because of you,

you must be a very well known person!

- U ou dirty creature!
U ou...

Let go of me!
I am an honorable citizen!

Let go of me!
Let go of me!

- Are you crazy?

- Beg to report, Sir, that I took care
of everything, just like you told me to.

Supper is served in the drawing room.

I shall now go and fry some eggs.

- On bacon, too!

Who was it that lent us money?
- Beg to report, Sir, all of them.

I only had to crawl on my knees
in front of Captain Schnabel.

That one is a right bastard.

But when I told him about your
paternity case...

- Paternity case?

- Of course, alimony, you know,
paying a girl so much every week.

U ou told me to spin
any yarn I pleased, so...

- And what did Captain Schnabel say?

- There were about five gentlemen
present,

and they all asked me what sort
of a girl it was,

so I told them she was a very smart
little bit, not quite fifteen yet.

Then they all wanted to have
her address.

- U ou've made a nice mess of it,
I must say!

- Don't you worry, Chaplain,
I gave them the address of a deaf lady

down our street.

I told you already that he isn't in!

- Don't lie to me,
he's just returned!

- He's returned all right,
but he isn't at home to anybody!

- That's no concern of mine!
- He's preparing tomorrow's sermon!

- Leave me alone, man!
Leave me alone!

Chaplain, I have to protest!

I'm not used to that sort of treatment!
- My batman is certainly not right!

A guest in the house means God
in the house!

- Beg to report, Sir, that bloke
is very difficult to dispose of,

just like a certain Bouska from Liben.

They once kicked him out of Exeter's
eighteen times

and he always returned
saying that he'd left his pipe behind.

- U ou're joking!
- He was that persevering,

he could have become
a cabinet minister.

- I hope that I'm not here
to be made fun of!

- Take a chair, please!
- Thank you.

- We are having Hungarian salami,
sardines, salmon,

and some fried eggs.

Isn't it nice to have a rest
on borrowed money!

- I insist that you listen
to what I have to say!

- I hope I'm right in assuming
that you came to get money

for the check I gave you?

- U es, Chaplain, and I hope,
that I won't have to leave without it!

- What are you doing?
- Beg to report, Sir,

that I already had some difficulties
with this gentleman.

- Leave us, Schweik!
We have a private matter to discuss!

- Beg to report, Sir,
I am leaving you!

- Listen, Chaplain, if there was no vow.
I wouldn't press you.

But I had a number of very sad
experiences!

Take the case of Lieutenant Janota,

who owed me 700 crowns
and got himself killed at Dryne.

Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns,
taken prisoner by the Russians.

Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek,
both imprisoned by the Serbians,

each of them owing me 1500 crowns!

U ou must understand my anxiety...

- But, Mister I am not...

- I know what you're going to say,
Chaplain!

That a priest is in no direct danger...

But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis
died a week ago at Brno!

He failed to pay me 1800 crowns

and went to supply last rites
to a chap,

who had the plague
and who was no concern of his anyway!

- That's his duty.
I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow.

- And he's also going
into the plague hospital!

- Tell me, Chaplain,
is this war only on

to finish off all my debtors?

- Schweik, I'm beginning
to get bored.

Tell him in a gentle way:

"The Chaplain is not going
to give you any money!

- I'm not going to budge
till I get it!

- If that's the case, Schweik,

dispose of him in any way
that pleases you!

- I'm not going, it's a shame,
you've tricked me!

- Make no noise, you hoodlum!

The Chaplain has to study!
- I know he's trying to figure out

how to cheat honest people out
of their money!

U ou cheeky lout!
U ou've ruined me!

Wiener Blot... tralala...

Wiener Blot... tralala...
... tralalala...

- God, I'm grateful we've found
the place.

I'd been driving him around
for two hours

before I managed to squeeze an address
out of him.

He's been sick all over my cab

and now I can't get any money
out of him!

- Chaplain...!
- Stop! I have to drive on!

I'm changing at Nymburk!
- Help me!

- Gentlemen, I'm not going to have
a steam bath!

- Of course not - come here!

Give it to me!
No more booze!

- Take those skates off!

- Chaplain...!

It's me, Schweik!

We have to pay for the cab.

- Do you believe in immortality?

Tell me one thing!
Can a horse get into heaven?

- Be quick about paying for the fare!
I've other parties to take care of!

- Chaplain, he wants money!

- Here, take the lot!
Ich kann bezahlen!

A penny more or less doesn't matter
to me!

- Hergott!

- Wait!
We've got to search him.

- Of course! All those, who are dead,

report to the Korpskommando
within three days,

to get a Christian burial!

Lady don't tickle me!

- That's not enough!
I took him round the town

three times!

- We've got no more.
- A fine business...! Pfui!

- The fire won't burn!

Somebody must be blowing on it!

I want something, but I don't know what.

I don't know what!
Don't you know what I want?

But I couldn't care less,
and neither could you, Schweik!

- Sit down!

- Oh, I'm so alone,
in the world!

People, Schweik,
I've got to tell you something.

I've got a confession to make.

I, a repentant sinner, confess
and admit.

- Don't lie on the floor!
- I have to confess to you!

- Chaplain...
will you lie down!

- I have to...

Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you!

There was once a drummer living
in Budejovice,

he got married and died within a year!

Isn't it lovely?

Madam,
what a sweet boy you've got!

Look, what uncle has brought you!
Right. Look!

Boodlicky!
Boodlicky, boodlicky,

boodlicky, boodlicky...

I want a Cognac!
Where is it?

Come here! Come here!
Come here! Come here! Come here!

Come here! Come here! Come here!

- Come on, lie down quietly,

Come on!
Or I'll have to hit you one!

- U ou're such a good boy.
I'll have to marry you off to my sister.

- Hello!
Chaplain, do you hear me?

- Is that you, Schweik?
What am I doing here?

- It seems you're suffering
from a slight attack of the DTs.

- U esterday, I lost all my money.

Even you, Schweik.

I lost you at cards.

I've thrown you into the clutches
of Lieutenant Lukas!

- Well, that's not the end of the world!

In a few days time,
we'll get money somehow...

- Oh no, it's impossible!
Quite impossible, Schweik!

U ou know, debts at cards...

...debts at cards are debts of honor.

And I am an officer!

Habacht!
Abtreten!

Jesus Christ!
- "When I was serving you

for the first year.

- Tralala lalala...

- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm here.

- Hm.

Turn round!

- Some more, Sir?
- Halt!

Well, finally you look almost
like a soldier!

Did they even supply you with a coat?
- Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat.

- I give you a fair warning,
I'm very strict!

Tell me, do you know
what a batman is supposed to do?

- A batman is an officer's servant,
boot - polish and pipe - cleaner.

- If I say:
"Jump into the fire!",

why, into the fire you've got to jump,
whether you like it or not.

What are you staring at?

- Beg to report, Sir,
that's a Harz canary.

- Are you fond of animals?

- It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.

If you'd like me to...
- I am fond of dogs too -

as companions.

I used to have a stable dog once.

- Stable dogs are the best, Sir.

A stable dog is not to everybody's
liking, he's got such hard whiskers

and looks like a released prisoner,

but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful.

- Hm.
Well, when you get the chance,

bring me a dog.

Hand me my sword now!

And remember:
I love everything clean

and tidy!
And I can't stand lies.

I love honesty and I hate lies.

Lies I punish without mercy,
is that understood?

- Beg to report, Sir,
quite.

There's nothing worse than a liar.

- Oh, well.

- And as far as honesty
is concerned, Sir,

there's nothing nicer,
because with honesty you get places.

Take for instance a walking contest.

As soon as you start doing tricks
and running,

you're disqualified.

That happened to a cousin of mine.

A honest man is respected everywhere,

he's satisfied with himself
and he feels like a new born babe,

when he goes to bed and can say:

"Well, I've been honest again today."

- The Chaplain
recommended you to me

as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined
to think that he wasn't far wrong.

- Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged
from doing my regular service,

for being feeble minded.
There were two of us discharged

for the same reason at the time -

me and a captain von Kaunitz.

- Hm.
Er... what did I want?

Now, Schweik, comes the main thing!

Sometimes, ladies come to see me.
One or the other

may stay all night.

In a case like that, you'll bring coffee
for two into the bedroom,

but be sure not to enter till I ring!

Do you hear me?
- Beg to report, Sir,

I know what it means
to come at the wrong time.

Once, I took a young woman home with me,

and just as we were getting on fine
together,

my charwomen brought me the coffee.

She had quite a fright,
poured all the hot coffee down my back

and said "Good morning" on top of it.

- I'm on duty today.
I shan't be home till late.

Tidy the place up a bit.

The last orderly was not good at all

and he's leaving today with a draft
for the front!

And don't let anyone
into the apartment!

- Oak leaf,

don"t fall into the river!

Oak leaf,

don"t fall into the river!

The water would carry you away

and that would make me sad.

Oak leaf.

- Are you the Lieutenant's Batman?

- That I am!
- Well, why don't you open up?

Why do you leave me to kick my feet
outside?

- I didn't...
...Hear the bell! I know.

Don't lie to me!
U ou know very well that I rang the bell!

Take those suitcases inside!

- I can't do that without
the Lieutenant's permission!

- Do as I told you. Take those!

- Lady, the only order
I got was to get a stable dog.

I know nothing whatever
about your suitcases!

- So you won't
take my cases in?

- As I've told you.

Till I get an army order,
I don't know my own brother!

Now, I'm going to lock up and of course
I can't leave a stranger

in the apartment.

So please...
- Ha ha!

U ou must be crazy!

I've come to visit...

...the Lieutenant.
- That's an old one!

In our street, someone came to visit

Belicsky, the confectioner,

once in his absence,

opened all the wardrobes and ran away
with the contents.

- For the last time -

take those cases in!
- Excuse me, Madam!

I've been entrusted with the whole
apartment.

I'm responsible for every single bit
of it.

I'm really sorry
I've got to talk to you like this,

but there's got to be some order
in the army.

- Take this
to the Lieutenant!

Here's a five crown tip for you,
and I'll wait here!

- No play, Madam.
Keep your five crowns.

If you insist, you can come
to the barracks with me.

I'll hand your letter over
to the Lieutenant

and you can wait for the answer.

Now, I'm going to lock up!

- What's the matter?

- Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter
for you.

- The lady says that you are a beast!
What have you done to her?

- Beg to report, Sir, nothing.
She wanted to move into your apartment,

suitcases and all.

- What? What's that?
- I prevented her from doing it.

I know of a draper in Vojtesska,
who once took a lady to live with him,

and then couldn't get rid of her,

so he had to poison himself
with coal gas, and her as well.

- Where is she now?
- Waiting, outside the gate!

My orders, Madam,
are to treat you politely

and to do everything you might wish.

And I've got a hundred crowns
to do it with.

- Get a cab!

It"s a good fairy that sent me to you,
tralala, tralala...

What do you say to that, Schweik?

- As the Staff H. Q. Would put it
in their reports:

After a carefully prepared retreat,
we entrenched ourselves

in positions prepared beforehand.

- Schweik!
Where are you?!

- Beg to report that I'm here.

- Come in!

- Inside, you mean?
- Of course.

I want you to scrub my back!

- Wouldn't you like to wait

till the Lieutenant comes home?

- No.
I want it done right now! And by you!

- Everything all right, Schweik?
- Beg to report, Sir,

that I've fulfilled all the lady's
wishes, as you instructed me.

- Thank you very much, Schweik.
And did she want many things done?

- About... six, Sir.

And now she's sound asleep.
I did everything I saw she wanted,

although she didn't actually
ask for it...

- Thanks, I'm glad
I can rely on you in everything.

- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm waiting here.

- I've asked you
to come, Schweik,

because we have to talk in confidence.

What's going on at home?
What is she doing?

- She just broke that large bottle
of Eau de Cologne.

The whole place smells...
Like a barbershop!

- What are we going to do?

- Don't say I haven't warned you.

I know of a follow who once...
- We must get rid of that woman!

- It's high time, too,

or we'll be as weak as puppies.

- But how?
- The best thing, Sir, would be

to dispatch her home,
as "Express registered"!

I know of a similar case
that happened too at Vsenory last year.

Let's send a wire to her husband.

As a sort of "unknown friend".

We'll put it like this:
"U ou wife's address is..."

After all, it isn't your fault!
U ou didn't invite her to come...

- Of course!

- And, as you say, her husband,

the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort
of fellow,

so even if you get a punch
on the jaw...

- Let's go
to the post office!

- Where is she?
Here she is...!

Katy!
- My husband.

Lieutenant Lukas.

- An "Unknown friend"
sent me the address by wire.

- That's a mean thing
to do!

- Don't you like cigarettes?
- Thanks.

Pardon me.
- Take a seat, won't you?

U ou must be tired.
- U es, please, thank you.

- Help yourself.

U ou don't know how pleased
I am to be here to welcome you.

U ou know, I live at the barracks,
and that's why I was able

to offer Madam the hospitality
of my apartment.

As an old acquaintance.

- My Katy is a funny woman!

She suddenly decided
to take a cure for her nerves.

I was away traveling,
and upon my return

I find the house empty and Katy gone.

And what about you, Lieutenant?

U ou'll be off to the front soon,
I suppose?

- As soon as I've finished my job
of training volunteer officers.

We need a lot of new officers, you know,
and it's very sad that most people

prefer to remain plain privates
in the infantry.

It looks like people lack interest
in the war.

- U ou are wrong there.
It interests me very much

what's going on at the front!

The hop business has been badly hit
by the war!

But I only hope that it won't last long!

- Our position is very good.

The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians
are excellent pivotal centers for us.

One strong blow on this line

and we shan't stop till we get
to Moscow!

THE CITU OF MOSCOW INN

Pardon me, Miss,
can you tell me the way to Zizkov?

- To Zizkov? U ou'll have to
turn back this way...

- Back?
- U es, and then cross the bridge.

Go as far as the Powder Tower,
and there ask again.

- U es.

Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague
either?

- No, I'm from Vodnany.

- From Vodnany?
So we're almost neighbors!

I'm from Protivin.
- If you're from Protivin,

you must know Pejchar
the butcher on the square?

- Of course I know him,
he's a cousin of mine.

- U ou don't say!

Aren't you called Jaros?
- I am, Miss.

- And which Jaros family do come from?
Those from Razice?

- From Razice.
- Is your father still delivering beer?

- He is.
- Well, he must be

well over sixty now.

- He was sixty-eight last spring.

- Lux! Lux!

Lux!

- Three breweries,
where I used to deliver thousands

of tons of hops every year,
were burned down in Belgium.

Another brewery, at Lwow,
was also burned to cinders.

If it goes on like this,
I shall be ruined!

Katy, are you ready?

All this is causing me
so much excitement!

Those losses in business and then
domestic worries on top of it...!

It wasn't the first time.

Last year, she ran away with
an assistant professor,

and as far as Zagreb, too.
Well, at that time I managed to sell

60 tons
of hops to the brewery at Zagreb.

- What's going to happen
to my suitcases?

- Of course, darling,
of course.

Everything is ready.
I have a car waiting downstairs.

- Lieutenant...
- Madam...

- Why didn't you protect me?

U ou permit him to drag me away
like a lifeless doll!

- Right...
We have to say goodbye now!

- As you wish.

- My compliments,
Lieutenant.

If you should get injured fighting,
come to our place for a rest cure.

- Come here!

Beg to report, Sir,
I'm bringing you a thoroughbred...

Come on!
...stable dog.

He's got to get used to his new
surroundings.

What's his name?
- Max.

I'll get his pedigree tomorrow.

- Put him into the kitchen
for the time being.

- Come on!

Come on, I tell you... come on!

Don't look so cross, you silly ass!

If you think it over,

every soldier has been stolen
from his home, too...

- Stop!

Lieutenant, subordinates always salute
their superiors!

This regulation has not been abolished!
And now, to the second point:

Since when do Lieutenants take
stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!

- That dog, Colonel...

...Belongs to me!
That's my Lux!

Did you read in the paper
that colonel

Kraus von Zillergut lost
a thoroughbred pinscher?

- I didn't.
- What?

So you didn't read the ad
your superior officer put in the paper?

Nice goings on!
And at a time, when we are losing

hundreds of brave soldiers
at the front every day -

you don't read the advertisements!
And that's supposed to be discipline?

I could advertise 100...
...200... no, 300 years!

- I can assure you,
Sir...

- That it won't happen!
I'll take care of that!

I'm sending you to Budejovice,
to form march battalions!

Right.
For now you can walk about!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

...there was heavy fighting...

...at Mezilaborka.

U es, that's how it goes...
U es.

It's here.

- Schweik!
U ou stole the dog!

- I didn't steal it.

- But you knew it was stolen!

- I knew.

- Do you know
I feel like sending you

before a military court.

But they'd let you go all the same,

because they've never seen anything
so stupid in their entire lives.

Why did you bring me the beast?

- To make you happy.

- Jesus Christ!

Do you know what a march battalion is?

- March bat.

March co is march company.

We shorten it like that.

- Get ready then!

We'll soon be off
in our march battalions to the front.

Are you happy?

- Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent!

When we fall together

for the Emperor and his family.

End of part one