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1
00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:08,137
Sorry about the mud, bro.
2
00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:09,896
No worries.
3
00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:11,241
So, uh...
4
00:00:11,275 --> 00:00:13,068
me and Johnny are gonna
go rape us a donkey.
5
00:00:13,103 --> 00:00:15,079
There might be room for
one more, if you're interested.
6
00:00:15,103 --> 00:00:16,862
Uh, no.
No, thank you.
7
00:00:16,896 --> 00:00:18,689
I find that quite repulsive.
8
00:00:18,724 --> 00:00:21,724
Also, it's a sin, so even
if I wanted to, which I don't...
9
00:00:21,758 --> 00:00:23,758
You think you're so much
better than us, don't you,
10
00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,379
Goody Goody?!
If you don't want
11
00:00:25,413 --> 00:00:27,389
to be down here, why don't you
file an appeal, you dumbass.
12
00:00:27,413 --> 00:00:29,010
You're so good, I don't know
why you're down here
13
00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:30,655
in the first place.
14
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,413
Well, son of a B.
15
00:00:37,448 --> 00:00:40,068
♪♪
16
00:00:40,103 --> 00:00:42,551
It says you ate meat
on a Friday.
17
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:43,758
- What?
- Yeah.
18
00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,079
I-I wouldn't do that.
I'm a Catholic.
19
00:00:45,103 --> 00:00:46,689
You know, it's not even
a sin anymore.
20
00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:49,827
That kind of makes you want
to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it?
21
00:00:49,862 --> 00:00:51,413
Goddamn it.
22
00:00:51,448 --> 00:00:53,251
- Our Father, who art in...
- Oh, get the hell up.
23
00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:56,172
Rest of your record's
pretty clean, so...
24
00:00:56,206 --> 00:00:57,941
I think we could put you
in the judgment court.
25
00:00:57,965 --> 00:00:59,517
Really?!
26
00:00:59,551 --> 00:01:01,344
Oh, what do I need, a lawyer?
27
00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:02,379
We're in hell, Iggy.
28
00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:03,933
Can't throw a rock
without hitting one.
29
00:01:05,448 --> 00:01:06,862
Oh, look...
30
00:01:06,896 --> 00:01:08,586
some rocks.
31
00:01:10,689 --> 00:01:12,551
Let's go get a lawyer.
32
00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:15,034
Okay, I'm sick of this.
Who's got my toe?
33
00:01:15,068 --> 00:01:16,769
- Go ahead, give it a shot.
- Okay, who's got my toe?
34
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:22,344
It's two inches long, it's red,
it used to have a nail on it...
35
00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:29,689
Oh, law rocks,
law rocks, law rocks! Get!
36
00:01:29,724 --> 00:01:30,931
Come on!
37
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,413
Run, you sons of bitches!
38
00:01:32,448 --> 00:01:34,689
Hey, you better get out
of here, fool! Law rocks!
39
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:51,275
♪♪
40
00:01:53,689 --> 00:01:55,137
Hey.
41
00:01:55,172 --> 00:01:56,931
You want me on retainer,
42
00:01:56,965 --> 00:01:59,517
you gotta get
a little better aim, fatso!
43
00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:01,241
Ow!
44
00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:03,379
I hit a corporate attorney
with 25 years
45
00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:05,068
experience
counter-suing cancer victims
46
00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:07,517
for the tobacco companies,
and you...
47
00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:09,206
you hit Gary.
48
00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:11,241
Oh, no.
49
00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,689
I'm a lawyer now.
50
00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:18,586
Well, butter my butt
and call me a biscuit, Troy.
51
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,724
You must be as nervous
as a long-tailed cat
52
00:02:21,758 --> 00:02:23,241
in a room
full of rocking chairs.
53
00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,827
What, are you gonna cook us
all some fried chicken?
54
00:02:25,862 --> 00:02:28,413
All rise.
Judge Satan presiding.
55
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:29,931
Sit down.
56
00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:32,551
Opening statements.
57
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,275
Gary, you're up.
58
00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:40,034
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
59
00:02:40,068 --> 00:02:43,172
an angel walks
amongst us here today.
60
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,758
He says his nightly prayers
every night
61
00:02:45,793 --> 00:02:47,310
before we dip him
in battery acid.
62
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:49,896
Now, I guess the good
Lord himself
63
00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:53,172
must have heard those prayers,
because I submit to you that
64
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:56,000
Goody Goody
does not belong here.
65
00:02:56,034 --> 00:02:57,655
Mm, not like you, ma'am.
66
00:02:57,689 --> 00:03:02,068
For not only is it no longer
a sin to eat meat on a Friday,
67
00:03:02,103 --> 00:03:04,758
nor was it meat,
nor did he eat it.
68
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,310
Nor was it a Friday.
69
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,586
Nor was the man even in
the location of day in question!
70
00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:11,931
No further questions!
71
00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:13,758
Well, you're not
asking questions.
72
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,586
This is opening statements.
73
00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:18,517
Anybody can ask me a question.
I'll answer questions.
74
00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:20,379
Okay, Troy?
75
00:03:23,275 --> 00:03:24,758
TGIF.
76
00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:27,827
Thank God it's Friday, right?
77
00:03:27,862 --> 00:03:33,724
Was God thankful when one of
his beloved sons blasphemed him?
78
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:38,241
Now, we've all heard
my less-than-esteemed colleague
79
00:03:38,275 --> 00:03:41,034
talk in a hackneyed
southern accent.
80
00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:44,586
And in response
to his argument...
81
00:03:44,620 --> 00:03:46,931
where's the beef?
82
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,310
I'll tell you where
the beef was.
83
00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:52,068
In his mouth, down his gullet,
84
00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:54,310
and in every inch
of his digestive tract
85
00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:56,448
on the Friday in question.
86
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,344
Thank you.
87
00:04:02,965 --> 00:04:05,034
- I think he sucked.
- All right.
88
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:07,000
Gary.
89
00:04:07,034 --> 00:04:09,310
I'd like to call Goody Goody
to the stand.
90
00:04:09,344 --> 00:04:10,413
Oh.
91
00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:13,379
Now, Goody Goody,
what was your profession
92
00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,551
while you resided
on the planet earth?
93
00:04:15,586 --> 00:04:18,896
I was owner and manager
of Q-Munion Barbecue.
94
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:22,413
Q-Munion Barbecue,
the most awkwardly named
95
00:04:22,448 --> 00:04:25,689
Catholic-themed barbecue
restaurant in all of Texas.
96
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,068
- Yes, sir.
- I'd like to submit
97
00:04:27,103 --> 00:04:29,896
this next video as evidence
to the court.
98
00:04:29,931 --> 00:04:32,827
Footage of Goody
at the back of his restaurant.
99
00:04:32,862 --> 00:04:34,551
Now, would you walk me
through this?
100
00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:36,769
Ignatius: I'd spent the day
serving food to the homeless.
101
00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:38,941
Gary: And something like
that's gotta make a man hungry.
102
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:40,724
Mm, just looking at that
103
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,068
'cue like a big,
wet, brown butt.
104
00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,482
Just want to put
your face in it.
105
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,310
Now, why don't you just walk
over there
106
00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:48,931
and just take a hunk off of that
beef and put it in your mouth?
107
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,769
Ignatius: Because it was
10 minutes after midnight,
108
00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,000
Friday morning.
109
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,517
So what did you do
with the meat?
110
00:04:53,551 --> 00:04:56,068
Well, I loaded it up in
my truck, and I drove west.
111
00:04:56,103 --> 00:04:58,000
You were tired, you were hungry,
112
00:04:58,034 --> 00:05:00,172
and you were distracted
by the waves
113
00:05:00,206 --> 00:05:02,517
of odor coming off that flesh,
114
00:05:02,551 --> 00:05:04,896
just steaming that
windshield, weren't you?
115
00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:07,034
Yes, sir.
The meat looked so good,
116
00:05:07,068 --> 00:05:09,724
I guess I just took
my eyes off the road.
117
00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:16,172
Ooh. Well, why don't you
just reach over,
118
00:05:16,206 --> 00:05:18,172
and you could have had
the barbecue then.
119
00:05:18,206 --> 00:05:19,310
No.
120
00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:20,941
I'm sure that Jesus
would have forgiven you.
121
00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,068
No. No, sir!
I would never do that.
122
00:05:23,103 --> 00:05:25,413
I grabbed as much of it
as I could hold,
123
00:05:25,448 --> 00:05:27,034
and I tried to run west.
124
00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:28,689
And if it pleases the court,
125
00:05:28,724 --> 00:05:31,655
I've got two fistfuls of pork
from pork circle.
126
00:05:31,689 --> 00:05:35,379
Mr. Goody Goody, would you say
you ran something like this?
127
00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,758
Objection! No one is
questioning his ability
128
00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,310
to run with meat in his hands!
129
00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:40,838
I've got pork!
Oh, I got pork, I got pork!
130
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,424
I will allow it.
It is highly entertaining.
131
00:05:42,448 --> 00:05:45,482
I got pork, I got pork!
Three broken ribs.
132
00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:49,413
He ran for three and a half
miles across to Hudspeth County
133
00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:52,413
with two hands filled with wet,
saucy barbecue.
134
00:05:52,448 --> 00:05:54,344
Now, I want you to freeze
the frame here.
135
00:05:54,379 --> 00:05:56,379
Let's freeze the tape of that.
Freeze-frame.
136
00:05:56,413 --> 00:05:59,586
Enhance, enhance, enhance.
137
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,068
Thank you.
12:57!
138
00:06:02,103 --> 00:06:07,413
That's what I was saying...
After midnight on Friday.
139
00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:09,206
Any man's mistake.
140
00:06:09,241 --> 00:06:12,068
Hudspeth County is actually
the only county in Texas
141
00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,862
in the Mountain Time Zone.
142
00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:15,931
Now, I'm a simple man.
143
00:06:15,965 --> 00:06:18,413
People would say
I'm a stupid man.
144
00:06:18,448 --> 00:06:19,931
But it seems to me that
145
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:22,413
Goody ran from Central
to Mountain.
146
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,482
So I submit to you...
147
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,172
it was not 12:57
on a Friday morning,
148
00:06:27,206 --> 00:06:30,827
it was 11:57
on a Thursday evening.
149
00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,655
No further questions.
Yeah!
150
00:06:32,689 --> 00:06:34,517
Whoo!
151
00:06:34,551 --> 00:06:36,241
All y'all doubted me.
152
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:41,655
Troy: All right.
153
00:06:41,689 --> 00:06:43,379
We're willing to cut you a deal.
154
00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:45,241
He'll spend six months
in purgatory,
155
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:47,931
but then he can go
straight up to heaven.
156
00:06:47,965 --> 00:06:49,206
Here's my counter.
157
00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:50,493
My client goes straight
to heaven,
158
00:06:50,517 --> 00:06:52,068
I get a written apology
from Satan,
159
00:06:52,103 --> 00:06:54,310
and you eat my shit, Troy.
160
00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:56,379
- We're out of here.
- Okay, that's fine.
161
00:06:56,413 --> 00:06:58,148
We'll give you... We'll give you
everything but the last part.
162
00:06:58,172 --> 00:07:00,931
Oh, that's tougher
than titties on a turtle, Troy,
163
00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:03,034
because the window
is closed on that deal.
164
00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:05,034
No. Because, you see,
he's giving us everything.
165
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:08,000
- I think I know what I'm doing.
- I'll eat... I'll eat one turd.
166
00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:11,379
He's bluffing.
Let's go!
167
00:07:15,413 --> 00:07:19,655
All that barbecue. Mm!
168
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:23,379
That was some good-looking 'cue.
169
00:07:23,413 --> 00:07:24,896
All that barbecue.
170
00:07:24,931 --> 00:07:27,517
Objection!
Badgering my witness.
171
00:07:27,551 --> 00:07:30,000
You got nothing,
and you know it, Troy.
172
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,000
Satan: Overruled.
Continue.
173
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,241
Typically, a restaurant
will have meat and three.
174
00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:37,344
Mm.
Did you have any sides with it?
175
00:07:37,379 --> 00:07:40,068
Objection!
This is a fishing exhibition.
176
00:07:40,103 --> 00:07:42,413
Collard greens are not
on trial here.
177
00:07:42,448 --> 00:07:47,517
The video shows you had beans,
coleslaw, and a...
178
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,344
Wait, what the hell is that?
179
00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:52,517
Is that a tube sock
on the barbecue?
180
00:07:52,551 --> 00:07:54,413
Sometimes I like to put
tube socks on the meat
181
00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:56,034
'cause it seals in the juices.
182
00:07:56,068 --> 00:07:57,896
- That looks like a wristwatch.
- Objection!
183
00:07:57,931 --> 00:07:59,217
Objection, that is
a meat thermometer.
184
00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:00,758
Is that a meat thermometer?
185
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,586
Do turkey legs have fingernails?
186
00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:04,689
- That's pretty messed up, man.
- Right?
187
00:08:04,724 --> 00:08:07,068
It's a person!
He's a cannibal!
188
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,034
- Troy?
- Oh.
189
00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:13,241
Really good news.
190
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,724
I've been talking
with my client,
191
00:08:14,758 --> 00:08:17,896
and I think I got him to agree
to take the deal, so...
192
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,655
You mean your client
who testified
193
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,068
that he helped the homeless?
194
00:08:21,103 --> 00:08:23,724
He helps the homeless all right,
right into the oven.
195
00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:25,827
He's making a hobo chorizo.
196
00:08:25,862 --> 00:08:27,172
Oh, my God.
197
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,206
What if we do a thing where, uh,
198
00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:33,137
he splits time
between here and heaven?
199
00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:35,068
I'm just trying to save
some face.
200
00:08:35,103 --> 00:08:38,379
Your client liked to save face,
too... in his freezer.
201
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:39,586
I will see you in court.
202
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,862
And I think that you will be
very surprised
203
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,172
at how many tricks
I have left up my sleeves.
204
00:08:45,206 --> 00:08:48,413
I think we're all out
of moves here.
205
00:08:48,448 --> 00:08:50,068
God help me.
206
00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:51,758
You're not a Goody Goody.
207
00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:54,137
You're a Baddy Baddy.
208
00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:55,758
I gotta go take a whiz.
209
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,241
Just make sure
not to eat anybody
210
00:08:57,275 --> 00:09:00,172
on the way to the bathroom!
211
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,379
That was a joke.
212
00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,034
You couldn't get a napkin?
213
00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:10,724
Big N' Wide: All rise.
214
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,517
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit down.
215
00:09:13,551 --> 00:09:15,517
Where's my prosecutor?
216
00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:16,931
I'm here!
217
00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:18,758
I'm here.
218
00:09:20,068 --> 00:09:22,137
Your Honor...
219
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:26,034
I would like to drop all charges
against Goody Goody.
220
00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:27,424
What, he can't go to heaven...
He's a cannibal.
221
00:09:27,448 --> 00:09:29,586
He has no business in heaven.
I agree with Troy.
222
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:32,413
- I agree with you, Gary.
- I'm agreeing with you.
223
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:35,689
- Shut up, Gary! Shut up!
- Order. Order!
224
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,068
All rise.
225
00:09:40,103 --> 00:09:42,586
You, too, Troy.
226
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,310
Come on.
227
00:09:45,344 --> 00:09:46,413
There we go.
228
00:09:46,448 --> 00:09:48,896
On the charge of eating meat
on a Friday,
229
00:09:48,931 --> 00:09:50,758
we find the defendant...
230
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:53,310
not guilty.
231
00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:56,379
But on the charge of eating
people on a Thursday,
232
00:09:56,413 --> 00:09:58,482
yeah, he's definitely guilty.
233
00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,689
Thank you.
234
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,424
Look, I don't want to legislate
from the bench,
235
00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:05,137
but the Bible simply does not
mention cannibalism as a sin.
236
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,586
What?
237
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,931
But you're finding against
the defendant?
238
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:12,034
Yes.
We find the defendant guilty.
239
00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:25,862
I'm sorry, I meant to say
240
00:10:25,896 --> 00:10:27,320
that we find
the defendant not guilty.
241
00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:28,827
- Not guilty.
- Not guilty.
242
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,586
- Not guilty.
- Not guilty.
243
00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,931
My bad.
244
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,206
What just happened?
245
00:10:35,241 --> 00:10:36,586
My hands are tied here.
246
00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:39,482
I have to find the defendant
not guilty.
247
00:10:39,517 --> 00:10:42,931
Why did we even do this?
248
00:10:42,965 --> 00:10:44,862
I gotta tell you
again, I'm sorry,
249
00:10:44,896 --> 00:10:46,551
I guess I misjudged you.
250
00:10:46,586 --> 00:10:47,758
Yeah, you did.
251
00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:49,724
Literally misjudged him.
252
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,724
Gary, thank you for everything.
253
00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:55,724
No hard feelings.
254
00:10:55,758 --> 00:10:57,344
Good luck up there, big guy.
255
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,827
Excuse me!
I can't stop it!
256
00:10:59,862 --> 00:11:01,586
- You got...
- Oh!
257
00:11:03,862 --> 00:11:05,724
Uh, is this Ignatius?
258
00:11:05,758 --> 00:11:08,068
- Yep.
- All right.
259
00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:11,103
You're doomed.
18740
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