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1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,839
SATAN:
Eddie, I called you up here
2
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:07,875
because you're
a tortured soul, right?
3
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,144
Yes.
Yeah. To me...
4
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:13,481
you don't seem
that...tortured.
5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,983
Oh, no.
The demons do a number on me.
6
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,886
I mean, you hear my screams.
They echo!
7
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:19,753
Aaaaaah!
8
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,755
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
9
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,257
You hear that, right?
10
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:25,959
I know those guys
are buddies of yours.
11
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,431
Okay.
Yeah.
12
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,699
You got things going on.
13
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,534
Like, I mean, Gary's
on his phone a lot.
14
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,835
Yeah, yeah.
15
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,337
Their heart's
just not into it.
16
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,906
Hot pokers
17
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:42,710
I think the main torture
with these guys is boredom.
18
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:48,716
TED: This little computer
got a game on it
19
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,918
where you can be
your own dolphin
20
00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,420
and then you can name it.
21
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:53,687
Guess what I named mine.
22
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,390
What?
Ted.
23
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,859
Shouldn't someone be flaying me
open with those whips?
24
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,861
Man, you're in a hurry to get
your ass whupped, ain't he?
25
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,398
You all flayed now?
Flay master.
26
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,799
I can go for some coffee.
27
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,935
Ooh. Coffee now?
That'd be good.
28
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,371
How do you take your coffee?
29
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,705
Black...
30
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,107
like I'm gonna make
your bottom.
31
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:15,743
How did you get out
of those manacles?
32
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,482
Hello? Yeah, hey.
How's your torture going?
33
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,318
That's you guys --
phoning it in!
34
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,720
Open up your books, your torture
manuals, to chapter 1.
35
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,157
Underst--
Don't even start with me.
36
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,058
"Understanding Your Pitchfork."
Let's go.
37
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,174
Whoa!
38
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,578
All right.
Do I have your attention?
39
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,812
Uh-huh.
Whoa!
40
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,514
Satan hired me as a consultant
41
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,115
to light a fire under your asses
42
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:58,419
because, apparently,
real fire isn't enough.
43
00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,620
Is he dead?
44
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,256
Gary, pay attention.
Jesus Christ.
45
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,957
I assume you guys all have your
books open to chapter 1, yes?
46
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:04,992
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
47
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,927
Start ripping those pages out.
48
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,696
I want you
to take all those pages,
49
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,030
roll them up nice and tight,
50
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,465
and then I want you
to shove those pages
51
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,866
right up your ass.
52
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,668
And then once you're done
shoving them up your ass,
53
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,171
then you can pull them out of
your ass, because, apparently,
54
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,840
that's what you guys have been
doing with your tortures --
55
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,942
pulling them out of your ass.
56
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,711
Gary, don't literally do it.
57
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:24,978
Everyone take a new soul.
58
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,014
I want you to get to know
that soul,
59
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,949
and I want you to design
a unique torture
60
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,284
for each and every one of them.
61
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,786
I want you guys to dazzle me
with these.
62
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,322
More importantly,
you want to dazzle him,
63
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,789
because if you don't --
64
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:39,126
I'll take your horns, and you'll
be demoted to a tortured soul.
65
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,895
Where can I take a shower
and get this shit off me?
66
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,130
Uh, Diarrhea Lagoon?
67
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,965
Diarrhea Lagoon
is not gonna work.
68
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,034
Well, the acidity
is like an astringent.
69
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:49,069
I don't want diarrhea on me.
70
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,738
Where can I get a clean shower,
clean water, to get all
this muck off me?
71
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,873
There's the donkey-cum
waterfall.
72
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,675
Donkey
73
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,009
Yeah.
74
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,511
Someone piss on me.
I want this off me.
75
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:58,579
If it's piss, I don't care.
76
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,114
All right.
I'll take it.
77
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,685
All right.
78
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,134
Yeah.
79
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,508
Gary, you've been downloading
porn this whole week?
80
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,077
No.
81
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,713
Yes. But it's just
this one picture.
82
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,983
**
83
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,020
Very disturbing, Benji.
84
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,289
You can teach my seminar
someday.
85
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,590
Thank you.
86
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,026
Way too much going on here.
Quality, not quantity.
87
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,462
I'm Tee-Head.
My victim loves golf.
88
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,697
All right, you know what?
89
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,098
Focus on his fears,
not his hobbies,
90
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,800
but otherwise,
a hole-in-one, V.C.
91
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,101
Very good.
92
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,469
So you must have
a really great torture
93
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,737
already figured out, right?
94
00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,808
I'm gonna be...
staple-in-the-head guy.
95
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,076
Aah! Aah!
that!
96
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,313
So, you're doing
exactly what V.C. was doing,
97
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,815
except you're just using
little, tiny staples.
98
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,116
V.C.'s just ripping off
of "Hellraiser,"
99
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,451
and nobody
wants to talk about that.
100
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,421
What he's doing is an homage
to "Hellraiser."
101
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:16,824
What you're doing is just
blindly copying off V.C.
102
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,058
It's a parody of him.
103
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,560
I'm Weird Al-ing
what he's doing.
104
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,928
Weird Al Okay.
105
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,331
I have nothing. Okay, Troy?
106
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,633
I have absolutely nothing.
107
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,436
Please help me.
I need help.
108
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,904
Something wrong, Gary?
No, things are really good.
109
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,308
My torture is so scary,
it makes me want to cry.
110
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:38,011
I'm gonna blow everybody's asses
out of the water.
111
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:41,449
Okay.
I like the 'tude. Nice.
112
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,518
I'm Tee-Head.
I know!
113
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,954
All right?! I know!
114
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,522
Get the hell out of here!
115
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,257
What am I gonna do?
116
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,826
Just think of something horrific
from your childhood.
117
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,164
Is this "Scooby
118
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,599
No, they didn't have that,
119
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,434
so I just got you
this scary thing instead.
120
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,603
I don't know.
Yeah, it's "Scooby-Doo."
121
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,937
Okay. If your mother calls,
122
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,939
you tell her I'm in
the bathroom, all right?
123
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,808
If you need to know,
I'm at the game.
124
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,777
Ha ha!
Go, Pythons, yeah?
125
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,545
Ha!
126
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:20,287
It's a "shear" delight
to meet you.
127
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,859
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
128
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,331
I think I got it.
Thanks, Troy.
129
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:41,341
GARY: It's
a "shear" delight to meet you.
130
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:44,878
You can't see, but I'm a puppet
holding pruning shears.
131
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:45,979
Hello?
132
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,381
The patient awakens.
133
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,150
The surgery
was a complete success.
134
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,220
Oh, my God.
God can't help you here.
135
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:56,056
No, I was just gonna say this is
just like that movie "Sutures."
136
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,758
This is nothing like
the movie "Sutures."
137
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,528
Is there a phone hidden in one
of five incisions in my body?
138
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,729
Yes.
139
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,498
Well, I'm guessing
it's in this bulge right here.
140
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,667
Yeah.
141
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,369
Yeah, get the phone.
Take out the phone.
142
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,740
Well, is it gonna explode
like in the movie "Sutures"?
143
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:16,176
I did not steal any ideas from
the movie "Sutures," okay?
144
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,778
It's a hack-job film.
145
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,448
"Sutures" 2 through 8
were phoned in, all right?
146
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,451
They lost the whole original
cast and the original director.
147
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,618
Okay.
148
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,353
The only way to deactivate
the bomb
149
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,355
that may or may not be
in that cellphone --
150
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,290
and this is how
it's different "Sutures" --
151
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,025
is that you need to
take out the cellphone
152
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:36,464
and you need
to call your estranged father
153
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,698
to get the password.
154
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,633
I mean, I like my dad,
so it's not that big a deal.
155
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,602
BENJI:
Hey, Gary, how's it going?
156
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,471
Shh, shut up, Benji.
I'm on the mic.
157
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,139
My guy is dead.
158
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,642
I got to wait a day
for his body to reconstitute.
159
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,043
What did you do?
160
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,912
Pulled his skin off,
made a skin suit,
161
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,146
and then I raped him
162
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,782
because I thought
it would be shocking
163
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,249
to get raped by yourself.
Yeah.
164
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,251
But he was already in shock.
165
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:02,155
And then I ate him because
I just wanted to top myself.
166
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,958
I wish I could do it again
because it just --
167
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,094
I'm just a little O.C.D.
that way.
168
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,062
You did all that
in seven minutes?
169
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,330
Yeah. It's not my record.
170
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,066
He was tough.
He was a body builder.
171
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,969
He wasn't tender off the bone
like a toddler.
172
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,905
Could you just get out of here
so I can focus on this?
173
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,906
Are you sure?
Yeah.
174
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,140
Okay. Don't work too hard.
175
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,409
Get away from me.
Get away from me.
176
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,245
You are so sensitive.
177
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,414
You have any other specific
memories of your father
178
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,982
that may make you cry
or be scared?
179
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,351
None that I'm aware of.
So you mean to tell me your dad
180
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:34,154
never,
like, rapped you on the head
181
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,156
and said,
"Hello, is anybody home?"
182
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,258
No. My dad was pretty great
growing up.
183
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,360
Oh, yeah,
but what about the time
184
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,929
when you were playing
baseball
185
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,130
and you missed the ball
186
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,498
and he was like,
"Gary the fairy!"
187
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:47,100
"Gary the fairy!"
188
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,769
Your dad did that to you?
189
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,772
Yeah.
190
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,273
Oh, man.
191
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,008
It sounds like you
should talk to him, maybe --
192
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,309
like, tell him how you feel.
193
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,546
What would I say to him?
194
00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,880
You know?
195
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,851
"Why did you lock me up
in a hot car when I was 9?"
196
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,620
Did you not know how to open
a car door when you were 9?
197
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,955
I knew how to do it.
198
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,657
I was told not to.
199
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,125
I was afraid that if I walked
out into the parking lot,
200
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,126
I'd get lost.
201
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,795
Well, what's your dad's name?
202
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,363
Lamar Bunda.
203
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,165
Okay.
What are you doing?
204
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,000
Information for Lamar Bunda.
205
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,637
No, no, don't! Wait!
206
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,908
LAMAR: Hello?
207
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,910
Is he there
He's there?
208
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,044
Oh, what should I say?
209
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,312
Hello?
210
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,481
Is this Lamar Bunda?
211
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,516
Please take me
off your list, please.
212
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,652
But, Babur,
I want to give you --
213
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,655
That was him.
214
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:42,656
That was my dad.
215
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,658
Well, I mean,
I have his address.
216
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,193
Do you want to go pay him
a visit?
217
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,095
Oh, unless -- how long
do I have before I explode?
218
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,597
Oh, I didn't do
any of that stuff.
219
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,664
Oh.
Busted!
220
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,233
Whoa!
221
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,768
This old Fury's
just like my dad's!
222
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,837
Did you rent this?
Oh, no, this is mine.
223
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,405
Want to get in back?
224
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,674
Get in back?
Yeah!
225
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,042
All right.
226
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,548
No! No! Come on!
227
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,518
It's a "shear" delight
to meet you.
228
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,353
Get away! Get away!
229
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:16,790
You see that
230
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,058
That's how it's done.
231
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,393
Too easy.
232
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,963
I think Gary might be
a little late...
233
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,031
for the meeting.
234
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,799
You think?
235
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:28,401
Guys, this is what I've been
preaching all week.
236
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,939
He's got a hot car and a puppet,
and he's in Gary's head.
237
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:35,442
Not everybody has to be cut up
and eaten, Benji.
238
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,544
Let's finish watching
the end of the tape here.
239
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,946
I'm an adult!
You're just a puppet.
240
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,380
I'm stronger than a puppet.
241
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,782
Yes! All right.
242
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,384
And I can leave this parking lot
anytime I like!
243
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,720
It's a "shear" delight to --
Wait, where you going?
244
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,421
Come on, man!
245
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,423
Ooh.
246
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,062
**
247
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,430
Dad?
248
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,435
It's been a long time.
249
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,772
I didn't know
you were in the army, Dad.
250
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:05,839
Yeah.
251
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,641
I came home from the war,
had a kid.
252
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,409
I didn't know
what I was doing.
253
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,411
No, you did not.
254
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,147
I just didn't want you
turning into a big fairy.
255
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,249
Well, Pappy, I'm not a fairy.
256
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,517
I know, son.
257
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,586
And I think I had
a big hand in that.
258
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,154
You did.
I did, didn't I?
259
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,823
You really did.
260
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,926
Apparently, they're on a fishing
trip together down in the Keys.
261
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,429
Troy, your biggest fear
is being one-upped by Gary.
262
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,665
Ahem.
263
00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:34,367
Ah! Wah!
264
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,370
GARY: It was just nice to see
my dad in his element --
265
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,173
drunk, on the water,
266
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:43,276
ignoring a lot
of what I was saying.
267
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,678
But there.
268
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:48,716
Me and Dad, we were pulling up
martins left and right.
269
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,283
Easy-peasy, Japanesey.
270
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,119
Just jumping in the boat.
271
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,386
Game warden came over
272
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,289
and said we had to throw
all the martins back.
273
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,658
Called "marlins," Gary.
It's "marlin."
274
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,327
It'll be "martin"
if I say it's "martin"!
275
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,561
Yeah! Yeah!
276
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,196
Coffee run.
You guys want coffee?
277
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,298
I'd love a large macchiato.
278
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,200
No! No.
279
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,836
Get him a medium.
19738
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