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>> YOU GUYS WANT THE INSIDE LINE
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ON WHAT'S GOING ON IN TODAY'S
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MEETING?
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>> WHAT?
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>> LAYOFFS.
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>> MAN, BE FOR REAL.
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AIN'T NO LAYOFFS COMING.
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>> LAYOFFS, AND THEY'RE DOING IT
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BY WEIGHT.
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SO I THINK I'M GONNA BE THE
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FIRST ONE.
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THAT'S WHAT CLAUDE SAID.
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I'VE BEEN EATING DIRT AND ROCKS
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LIKE A CHICKEN DOES FOR, LIKE,
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DIGESTION 'CAUSE IT'S MAKING ME
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HEAVIER.
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WE'RE GONNA GET LAID OFF TODAY.
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> OH, SATAN'S COMING.
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SATAN'S COMING.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD THE
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RUMORS BY NOW ABOUT THE POSSIBLE
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LAYOFFS.
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THEY'RE NOT TRUE.
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HERE'S THE PROBLEM.
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SOULS ARE WAY DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
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SO I'VE DECIDED TO TRY SOMETHING
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A LITTLE DIFFERENT, ALL RIGHT?
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EDDIE!
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>> OH!
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>> THIS COULD BE YOUR FUTURE.
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TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
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>> GEE.
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>> POSITIVE REINFOR--
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>> [ PANTING ]
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>>LOOKS ABOUT A GALLON LOW
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THERE, EDDIE.
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>> OH, NO, IT'S, UH, IT'S HOT
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DOWN HERE, SIR.
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IT'S PROBABLY EVAPORATION.
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OKAY.
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MAYBE I TOOK A TINY, TINY SIP.
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[ CRACKLING ]
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[ SCREAMS ]
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>> I'M SORRY, WHERE WAS I?
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>> POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.
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>> POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.
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THANK YOU, CLAUDE.
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>> YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
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>> THE CONTEST.
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YOU ALL HAVE 24 HOURS UP ON
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EARTH TO HARVEST AS MANY SOULS
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AS YOU CAN.
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FIRST PLACE -- ALL THE SWEET,
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SWEET WATER YOU CAN DRINK.
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AND FOR THE REST OF YOU, A
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SLUMBER PARTY IN THE BREAK ROOM.
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>> AAH!
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>> BREAK ROOM SUCKS.
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>> THE HELLMOUTH IS OPEN.
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LET'S GET CRACKING!
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[ "AVE MARIA" PLAYS ]
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>> KNOCK, KNOCK.
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>> CAN I HELP YOU?
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>> THE HELLMOUTH'S OPEN.
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>> YEAH.
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I'LL GET UP THERE THIS
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AFTERNOON.
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I GOT TO GO TALK TO H.R.
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>> OH, IS IT A SEXUAL-HARASSMENT
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CLAIM?
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>> NO.
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>> I HAD TO DO THAT WITH THE
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MASTURBATING SPIDER FROM...
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AND THEN GUESS WHO THEY SENT TO
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INTERVIEW ME.
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>> THE MASTURBATING SPIDER.
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>> THEN HE HELD ME DOWN, AND HE,
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LIKE, MASTURBATED ALL OVER ME,
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AND I WAS LIKE, "GUYS, THIS IS A
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CONFLICT OF INTEREST."
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>> BRING THAT BACK.
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[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
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>> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
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HOLD THAT DOOR! HOLD THAT DOOR!
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HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!
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>> OOH!
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>> AH, GEEZ.
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[ GROANS ]
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[ SIGHS ]
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[ COUGHING ]
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COME ON!
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>> YOUNG LADY!
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YOUNG LADY!
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HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SELLING YOUR
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SOUL TO THE DEVIL?
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>> YO, I WAS GONNA ASK YOU THE
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SAME THING.
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COME ON, MAN.
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>> DIZ, I'M WORKING UNDERCOVER,
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TOO.
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OH, HEY, GUY.
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HEY, GUY.
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WHAT IF I COULD MAKE YOUR
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WILDEST DREAMS COME TRUE?
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AND YOU'RE BENJI.
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>> WE ALREADY GOT THIS MALL
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STAKED OUT, PLAYA.
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>> YOU SERIOUS ABOUT THAT?
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>> YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR TONE
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WITH ME.
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>> AW, MAN.
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WHO WANTS TO BE YOUNG AGAIN?
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IMAGINE ALL NIGHT AT THE CLUB,
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DRINKING AND DANCING, PRETTY,
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TIGHT, YOUNG PEOPLE GRINDING
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AGAINST YOU, YOU KNOW?
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I MEAN, NOT SO MUCH HIM, BUT
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THERE'S A CLIPBOARD GOING
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AROUND.
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YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A
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PERSON BY THEIR HANDWRITING.
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I'M SORRY.
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I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR SPACE.
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>> DON'T YOU WANT JUICY?
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YES, YOU DO.
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>> YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I'M GOOD
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ON JUICE.
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YOU KNOW, SATAN LOVES KIDS, AND
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NOT JUST TO EAT.
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AND IF YOU COULD MAYBE HIT MY
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ASS WITH THAT WET WIPE OVER
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THERE, WE COULD TALK ABOUT IF
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HELL'S RIGHT FOR YOU.
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I GOT YOU TRIPLE SEC.
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THEY ONLY HAD COCONUT, BUT --
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DIZ!
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COME ON, MAN.
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YOU SAW ME TALKING TO HIM.
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>> I DIDN'T SEE YOUR NAME ON
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HIM.
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>> IT'S RUDE TO WRITE YOUR NAME
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ON A HUMAN.
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>> YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M GONNA
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GET $100,000 AND ALL I HAVE TO
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DO IS BURN IN HELL FOR AN
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ETERNITY?
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>> THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.
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>> WHERE DO I SIGN?
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>> OH, THANK YOU!
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THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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OH, YES.
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JUST SIGN RIGHT THERE.
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>> NO, DUMBASS.
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DO YOU UNDERSTAND I HAVE A
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CHANCE TO WIN $1 MILLION, AND
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ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CLICK ON
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THIS AD FOR swaggerchat.com?
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>> Swaggerchat.com?
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WHAT DOES THAT DO?
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>> IT TWEETS TRANSCRIPTS OF ALL
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YOUR CONVERSATIONS.
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"LUCAS -- IT TWEETS TRANSCRIPTS
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OF ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS."
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BOOM.
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THAT JUST BLASTED ON THE
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WORLDWIDE WEB.
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>> DUDE, THAT SOUNDS, UH,
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AWESOME.
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WHAT IS A TWEET?
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AND WITH YOUR SIGNATURE, THERE'S
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GONNA BE LOADS OF THINGS THAT
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BECOME AVAILABLE, LIKE THE
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FUN ZONE!
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[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
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WITH THE CELLPHONE PICTURES, I'M
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GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO.
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IT'S THE ONE RULE WE GOT.
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I SAID IT BEFORE, AND I CAN --
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>> WHAT'S THAT?
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>> [ GROWLING ]
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>> WE BETTER GO.
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AND WE'RE WALKING.
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YEP, RIGHT OVER HERE IS WHERE
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JEFFREY DAHMER USED TO SIT UNTIL
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THEY MADE HIM CRAWL UP INSIDE
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HIS OWN PENIS.
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AND THIS IS OUR TECHIE, KAMAL.
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WHAT'S GOING ON, K-DAWG?
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>> GARY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT
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SUPPOSED TO BRING MORTALS DOWN
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HERE.
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>> AH, THIS IS KYLE.
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HE IS A DEFINITE MAYBE.
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WHAT DO YOU SAY, MY BIG BOY?
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HUH, YOU LIKE IT?
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>> I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
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>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID AT
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THE SLIPKNOT SHOW.
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>> HOW DO I GET TO EARTH?
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>> I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT.
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>> JUST LIKE I FELT A GUST OF
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WIND.
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>> YEAH.
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LOOK, I JUST SENT HIM TO THE
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MIDDLE OF CHINA.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, KEEP TRACK
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OF HIM BECAUSE HE SEEMED PRETTY
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INTO IT.
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>> GARY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
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YOU'RE DOING HERE.
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YOU SHOULD BE UP THERE.
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HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED AT CLAUDE'S
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STATS?
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>> NO.
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00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,753
>> COME HERE.
219
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>> HOW DID HE DO THAT?
220
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WHAT, HAS HE BEEN IN THERE ALL
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DAY?
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WHAT'S HE DOING IN THERE?
223
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>> Swaggerchat.com.
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I CREATED IT.
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IT TWEETS TRANSCRIPTS OF YOUR
226
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,765
CONVERSATIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR
227
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:38,699
YOUR SOUL.
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YOU SEE, NO ONE EVER READS THE
229
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,101
TERMS AND CONDITIONS.
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>> I AM GOING TO TELL SATAN ON
231
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YOU.
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>> SOMEONE NAMED GARY COOLBOOBS
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SIGNED UP FOR OUR SERVICE.
234
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,007
I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.
235
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,776
>> I'M NOT GARY COOLBOOBS, BUT
236
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IF I WAS, THEN I WOULDN'T WANT
237
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SOMEONE TO BE READING MY PRIVATE
238
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:52,880
THOUGHTS.
239
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,314
>> "GARY -- I FARTED," AND
240
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,183
THAT'S MULTIPLE TIMES THROUGHOUT
241
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THE DAY OUT LOUD TO VARIOUS
242
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PEOPLE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
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00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,855
IT'S ALSO WRITTEN IN THERE, JUST
244
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:02,723
"PFFT."
245
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,157
>> WELL, I STILL GOT FOUR MORE
246
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,826
HOURS LEFT, AND THIS IS GONNA BE
247
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,294
ONE HELL OF A HORSE RACE, BOY,
248
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'CAUSE I'M RIDING A CHEETAH.
249
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>> OKAY, SO WHAT?
250
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CLAUDE HAS A FEW THOUSAND SOULS.
251
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>> 680,000 SOULS.
252
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SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME.
253
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HE'S SO MUCH MORE TRADITIONALLY
254
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HANDSOME.
255
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>> OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
256
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I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
257
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STOP IT!
258
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STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
259
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REMEMBER ME WHEN I GOT HERE?
260
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I WAS MUSLIM.
261
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NO VIRGIN, NO DATE TREE, NO
262
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RIVER OF MILK.
263
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,219
>> JUST A BUNCH OF DIRTY MILK IN
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A FIELD.
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>> IT'S NOT -- IT'S CLEAN MILK,
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GARY.
267
00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:35,989
>> FISH JUST FLOPPING AROUND --
268
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,224
>> THERE'S NO FISH IN THE MILK,
269
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:37,725
GARY.
270
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:38,992
YOU'RE OVERLOOKING THE VIRGINS
271
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:39,593
AND DATES.
272
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,361
>> VIRGINS AREN'T GOOD IN BED.
273
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,930
DATES ARE DUMB APPLES.
274
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,264
>> THE POINT IS THIS.
275
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,033
I DIDN'T GET ANY OF THAT, BUT
276
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,000
YOU KNOW WHAT?
277
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,869
I CAME HERE, AND SOMEBODY HELPED
278
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,704
ME, SHOWED ME AROUND, CUSHIONED
279
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,205
THE BLOW, AND THAT PERSON WAS
280
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,040
YOU, GARY.
281
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:53,874
>> IT WAS ME.
282
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,375
>> YEAH, IT WAS YOU, AND THAT'S
283
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:56,176
THE PROBLEM.
284
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,277
YOU'RE TOO DAMN NICE.
285
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,245
>> CLAUDE CHEATS.
286
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:01,348
>> WELL, THEN, YOU CHEAT BACK.
287
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,717
>> [ SCREAMS ]
288
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:04,017
NO!
289
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,285
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
290
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,353
WHAT DID YOU DO?
291
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,788
>> IT'S A THUMB DRIVE.
292
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:08,255
GET IT?
293
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,122
LIKE THUMB?
294
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:09,957
LIKE, LOOK.
295
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,892
>> THAT'S SO CUTE.
296
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,027
>> IT IS A REAL THUMB, THOUGH.
297
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,029
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT THAT
298
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,065
INTO CLAUDE'S COMPUTER AND DRAG
299
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,534
ALL THE SOULS ACROSS.
300
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:26,940
>> NO.
301
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:30,210
NO --
302
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,745
OH.
303
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,213
>> DON'T MOVE!
304
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:36,283
AAH!
305
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,417
>> HEY.
306
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,319
PLEASE KILL ME.
307
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,420
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
308
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,089
>> SO YOU HAVE MY SUMMON WORD,
309
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:42,723
DO YOU?
310
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,091
YOU'RE GARY'S FRIEND, RIGHT?
311
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:44,925
>> YEAH. NO.
312
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,827
I'M -- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY.
313
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,095
>> NOW, YOU JUST NEED TO BE SO
314
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:48,796
QUIET, OKAY?
315
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,063
BE GOOD FOR DADDY, ALL RIGHT?
316
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:50,931
BE GOOD FOR DADDY.
317
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:51,331
BE GOOD.
318
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,266
>> AAH!
319
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:56,069
>> Shh! Shh!
320
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,438
>> I ORDER YOU TO STAY THERE FOR
321
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,340
30 MINUTES, FOUL BEAST.
322
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:04,444
>> [ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]
323
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,113
>> OKAY, COME ON.
324
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,781
COME ON, DAMN IT.
325
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,950
[ BEEPING ]
326
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,184
>> LOOK AT YOU UP THERE, ALMOST
327
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,152
GETTING TO THE DOOR.
328
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,821
WELL, BOOM.
329
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:14,988
>> AAH!
330
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:18,291
OOH! OOH!
331
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,927
[ BEEPING ]
332
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,262
>> COME ON, COME ON.
333
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,864
>> IT WAS GARY, I TOLD YOU.
334
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,432
I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU, BUT YOU
335
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,000
JUST KEEP COCKROACHING ME.
336
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,336
OH!
337
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,872
>> GARY, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU BIG
338
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,173
BITCH?
339
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,275
COME ON, DAMN IT.
340
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,711
COME ON.
341
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,213
[ CHUCKLES ]
342
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,048
[ SIGHS ]
343
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:41,982
>> KILL ME.
344
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,150
KILL ME, PLEASE.
345
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,017
>> SHUT UP.
346
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,318
>> KAMAL'S VOICE MAIL.
347
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:46,053
[ BEEPS ]
348
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,154
>> HEY. WHAT'S UP?
349
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,321
I'M SORRY, K-DAWG.
350
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,157
I COULDN'T STEAL CLAUDE'S SOULS.
351
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:52,125
THEY WERE RIGHT THERE FOR ME TO
352
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,994
TAKE, LIKE A BUNCH OF INNOCENT
353
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,996
YOUNG GIRLS, ALL RIGHT, BUT IT'S
354
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,330
JUST NOT THE GARY WAY.
355
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,498
I'M BACK UP TOP.
356
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,500
I'VE STILL GOT A COUPLE OF HOURS
357
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,168
LEFT.
358
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,136
SATAN NEVER SPECIFIED THEY HAD
359
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,172
TO BE HUMAN SOULS, SO THIS GUY'S
360
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,840
GOING TO THE PET STORE.
361
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,208
BOOYAH-KA-SHA!
362
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,277
[ BEEPS ]
363
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,916
>> AND...
364
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,851
I'M GONNA CALL IT.
365
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,856
>> I'M SO LATE.
366
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:23,924
I'M SO LATE.
367
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,926
I HOPE THEY TAKE HAMSTERS.
368
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,094
NO.
369
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,096
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
370
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,498
NO, NO!
371
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,833
NO!
372
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,001
NO!
373
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,102
NO!
374
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:41,108
NO!
375
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,910
[ GRUNTING ]
376
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,244
AAH!
377
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,047
[ GROANING ]
378
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,782
>> ALL RIGHT, WELCOME BACK,
379
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:49,449
SHORTHORNS.
380
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,184
THESE ARE THE FINAL RESULTS
381
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,052
HERE, KAMAL?
382
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,553
THESE NUMBERS ARE ACCURATE?
383
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:54,554
>> YEAH, YEAH.
384
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,455
YES.
385
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,924
>> OKAY.
386
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:57,891
HERE WE GO.
387
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,026
HIT THE ROAD.
388
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,460
GRAND-PRIZE WINNER OF
389
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,363
SOUL-APALOOZA IS...
390
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:07,034
GARY.
391
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,135
I'M [BLEEP] WITH YOU.
392
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:08,936
IT'S CLAUDE.
393
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:09,402
YEAH, BABY.
394
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,570
>> IT'S ALL FOR YOU, SATAN.
395
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,939
>> COME GET THE WATER, MAN.
396
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,106
ALL THE WATER YOU CAN TAKE.
397
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:13,907
I MEAN DRINK.
398
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,208
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WATERBOARDED?
399
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:15,575
>> WHAT?
400
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,243
>> YEAH.
401
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,410
HAS ANYONE EVER DONE THIS
402
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,078
BEFORE?
403
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,279
WIKIPEDIA KEEPS TAKING THE
404
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,247
INSTRUCTIONS DOWN.
405
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,716
>> YO, WHERE THE HELL IS GARY?
406
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:28,088
>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
407
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,090
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
408
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,091
OKAY.
409
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,092
OKAY.
410
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,994
ALL RIGHT, WE JUST GOT TO GET A
411
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,128
HOTEL, YOU AND ME.
412
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,930
WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO.
24568
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