Original subtitles

There's ashes in the dip.

I ran out of chives.

Oh, I wish Felix was home.

Deal the cards!

One for Oscar, one for Speed, one for him,

one for me, one for Oscar, Speed,

another one for him.

That's it. That's it!

The game's over.

Go on. Good night.

Oscar, it isn't every day

I get to play cards with a big television celebrity.

Just because he's a celebrity

doesn't make him different than you and me.

I can't believe you went to college with him.

And I can't believe this poker game...

You with him, you with your tie.

What's wrong with the tie?

Speed, the last time you wore a tie

was when you had a mark on your neck

you didn't want your wife to see.

I'm telling you, it's no big deal

to play cards with Monty Hall.

Especially when he beats you.

So you won a couple of dollars.

Now you can go back to announcer's school

and get a diploma this time.

Look, you know how much money

I give away on my show every day... thousands of dollars, right?

You know how nice it is to win a few bucks sometime?

You want it double or nothing? No, no, no, no.

Hey, uh, what happened in that room back there?

Oh, that's Oscar's room.

We always laugh about it.

No, no, I-I don't mean Oscar's room.

We used to laugh about that in college, too.

You know that's where we used to keep the goat for the football team.

He was a better roommate than Felix.

No, I mean, I mean your roommate's room.

It smells like something

burned back there. No, nothing. Forget it.

Well, is that the end of the game? That's it.

Well, that's just as well.

I got two Let's Make A Deals to do tomorrow,

and I need my rest. Yeah, I gotta go, too.

Well, good night, Monty.

Good night, Speed.

It was a pleasure meeting you. You, too.

Good night, boys. 'Night, Speed.

Thanks for autographing my chip.

Ah, you're welcome.

Hey, Oscar,

I've been in town a whole week,

and you haven't come down to see my show once yet.

How about you... Well, it's great show.

It's not my cup of tea.

I don't want to see all those people in crazy costumes

jumping up and down like that.

Doesn't that really bug you?

Why should it bug me?

I like those people.

They're very nice, ordinary people.

Well, good night, Oscar. Good night, Murray.

So long, Monty. Nice seeing you again.

Oh, Monty Hall!

I heard you were in the building.

Pick me! Pick me! Nice, ordinary people.

Bye...

The price of fame. Yep.

Well, I gotta get going.

No, no, no, I want you to wait a minute. Why, what is it?

I want you to help-help me to throw Felix's bed

down in the basement. Are you two fighting again?

No, no, listen, Murray...

I had an accident. What happened?

Well, my bed broke down, I slept in here.

I fell asleep smoking a cigar. See?

You through with the tweets?

Grab the mattress, will you?

Oh! That goes right through the box springs down to the carpet.

Do the people downstairs know about this?

Will you grab the mattress?

Felix won't be back for three days.

There's no reason he has to find out...

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

What... By the time I put it out

and found the cigar and everything, that's what I had.

It's just a little hole. Just...

And here's another little hole.

What do I see down there?

Hello, Mrs. Johnson.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

I'll take care of that, buddy.

Look at that... Look at my beautiful bed!

Nice to see you home, Felix.

I had nothing to do with this.

Good night, Oscar!

Here, buddy, what, are you kidding? Look at that.

I'm not gonna sleep on an army cot. Put it there.

You want me to bathe out of my helmet?

This was Blanche and my wedding bed.

Look, you weren't supposed to come back until Tuesday.

The job ended soon.

Forgive me.

I rushed home. I took a plane.

All I could think of was the security of sleeping in my own comfy bed.

Didn't you sleep on one of these in the army?

I did not.

I had an orthopedic cot.

And I bought it special in the PX.

The other guys made fun of me,

but I'm the one who won the good posture medal.

Why am I talking about...? I... I need a bed.

Look, here's all the money I have.

Tomorrow you'll go and you'll buy a bed.

I saw one advertised for $55.00.

What kind of bed can you get for $55.00?

Hardly used.

Light another cigar, Oscar!

Burn a hole in my heart!

It's all the money I have. Try it.

Go ahead. You'll become...

I can't sleep in this damn thing.

You'll be snug as a bug in a rug.

Go on, lie down, put your feet up.

I'm too tired to take my clothes off.

That's great. Here you go.

Good night, buddy.

Oscar. Yeah.

Come in here, please.

Coming, coming, coming.

How you doing, buddy?

How did you sleep last night?

Great. How did you sleep?

I slept beautifully,

except that I had to get up every hour for my spasm.

Oh, your back? Here, sit down.

What? Oh, okay, okay, here we go.

Let me know if this hurts, will you?

Oh!

'Cause I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Oh, oh, enough! Oh, oh.

How's your back feel?

Better.

And my ears hurt.

What do you want, Felix?

Sit down, Oscar.

I have my figures here now.

What figures?

What you owe me.

Owe you for what?

For my bed.

I gave you the money for your bed last night.

No, you gave me money for your idea of the bed.

You're going to make good for the property you destroyed.

Now, I have here:

one mattress, one box spring,

one carpet and sundries... $975.00.

How much is it without the sundries?

$965 Are you out of your mind?

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, you're going to have to get it, Mr. Firebug.

That was a custom- made mattress.

Custom-made? Yes.

You know how they come

in soft, regular, firm and very firm.

Well, mine was very firm around the edges

and soft in the center.

It was the only one like it in the world.

Well, why don't we get a very firm mattress,

and I'll jump in the middle.

Are you going to reimburse me for my property or are you not?

Felix, I told you last night,

I gave you all the money I've got.

Drinks beer for breakfast.

No caffeine.

You owe me!

Felix, what do you want?

I can't help it, I don't have it.

Well, I don't have it.

I'm sorry.

Well, sorry isn't going

to buy me a new bed... or a new back!

This is on your head.

Come in.

Oh, Miriam. Felix!

Miriam. You're home.

I didn't expect you till Tuesday.

Oh...

What, your back?

How did you hurt your back?

I slept on an army cot last night.

Oscar used my mattress for an ashtray.

Oh... Oh, you poor baby.

I came down, Oscar, to thank you for those tickets.

Oh, that's okay.

Tickets to what? The Chicago fire?

Oscar got tickets for my mother and me

to go see Let's Make A Deal.

My mother won a color television.

You're kidding.

No. And then, and then

Monty Hall gave her a kiss.

She liked that better than the television.

Monty's a great kisser.

Yeah. I gotta go to work.

I'll see you later.

Now, take care of yourself.

What? What? What?

You're going on Let's Make A Deal.

Are you crazy?

You're gonna win a new bed,

your friends are gonna see you on TV,

and Monty Hall is gonna kiss your mother.

Where's your friend, Monty Hall?

How long does he expect me to wait?

He's doing us a favor, remember?

Felix, could you show a little more enthusiasm?

They like bubbly people on this show.

Sorry, I can't help it.

Well, force yourself.

They like a guy with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm has nothing to do with it.

You make the right choice and you win.

Yeah, before you can make the right choice,

you have to be chosen.

How do you do that?

Well, you get Monty's attention.

He'll notice me.

A nice gentleman sitting here.

Felix, you're out of your mind.

You must... Look,

I'll show you how the show works.

I'll be Monty Hall, you'll be a contestant.

All right, you'll see how it works.

Okay, I'm Monty Hall and I come down and I say,

"Now, who am I going to make a deal with?"

Oh, sure.

Oh, sure, he's gonna pick you with your hand like that

when there's an egg salad sandwich over there screaming,

"Take me! Not the gentleman!

Take me! Take me!"

What am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to stand up and yell and jump.

I can't do that. Oh, come on.

Where's your sense of showmanship?

Where's your personality?

You want me to jump and down? Yeah.

Pick me! Pick me! Right, right. Exactly, right, exactly.

That feels good.

Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Buddy, all right, I pick you. Yeah.

I pick you, right? Now, I say to you,

"Would you take the $500 that's in this envelope,

or take what's behind curtain number one?

Oh, I'll take the curtain.

No, no, no, not the cur... not the curtain!

Why not? 'Cause you don't know what's behind there.

Maybe a polar bear.

How'd you like to sleep on a polar bear?

He's softer than that cot.

Felix, believe me, take the money.

But I want a bed.

The odds are against you.

Take the money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wonder what's behind the curtain.

Oh, don't peek. No, you're not supposed to...

Can I be of any help?

Oscar! Hi.

I know you.

You're Monty Hall.

Let's Make A Deal.

This is my bubbly roommate, Felix.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Felix, how are you? Good to meet you.

Oscar, what are you doing here?

Didn't you tell me you'd never come down to see my show?

Well, I'm not here for myself.

Do you remember what you smelled in my apartment?

Yeah. That was Felix's bed.

It burned. See, I burned it. Oh, yeah.

Now, I'd like to get him on "Let's Make A Deal"

so he could win another one.

No way. OSCAR: Aw...

No, no, I'm sorry,

I couldn't get either one of you on the show.

But you're the big man here.

He's a crowd pleaser.

Well, no, maybe, maybe not a crowd pleaser,

more of a group pleaser, actually... small groups.

Felix... They like me. Little people...

you see, we have rules on this show.

The rules state no friends, no relatives,

no friends of relatives,

no relatives of friends... Yeah, but who's gonna know?

I'm going to know.

Monty, we need you in the control booth.

All right, I'll be right up there.

Why don't you stick around?

Maybe we can see each other later.

Huh? Nice to meet you.

That's that.

Felix, I'm gonna get you up on Let's Make A Deal.

I don't want to do anything devious, Oscar.

You heard him say when...

Felix, don't listen... I outsmarted him in college,

I outsmarted him at the poker table,

and I'm going to outsmart him on Let's Make A Deal!

Yeah, but if this doesn't work,

I'll be humiliated in front of 30 million people.

That's a chance I'm willing to take.

Come on. Hurry up, will ya, Felix?

Miriam will be down any minute.

I don't want Miriam to see me like this.

She's not gonna recognize you,

which will prove that Monty won't recognize you.

Come on, I told her she's gonna have a big surprise. Come on.

Hey, that looks great!

Good. Oh...

Hey... Oh, just stay, stay...

She's here. Come in, Miriam.

Hi.

Hi, Miriam.

Hey, Felix, that's a great costume.

She recognized me right away.

Why, that's because she knows you live here, right, Miriam?

No, actually Felix, I recognized your walk.

How did you happen to choose a chicken?

How did I choose a chicken?

He chose it.

I've watched that show.

Everybody goes as a chicken.

This won't work. Nobody goes as a chicken.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln,

"You can fool some of the people all of the time,"

but never in feathers.

Hey, Felix!

There you go, Abraham Lincoln!

Abraham Lincoln jumping up and down saying, "Notice me,

pick me, Monty, pick me!"

Lincoln was six-foot-five.

Okay, you'll go as young Lincoln.

How does it look, Miriam?

Like Abraham Chicken.

I'm not going to do it.

Hey, put these on, put these on.

There we go. You can go as Murray's brother.

I'm not going to do it.

How does a man get out of this chicken outfit?

Okay, it's off my head.

He just won't go on.

Yes, I will go on, but I won't go on as

Murray's brother or as the President with drumsticks.

It must be a very special costume,

and I've thought of the perfect one.

I ask only one thing of you.

What?

Back me up.

Felix, this is ridiculous.

It's a perfect costume.

Monty will never recognize us.

I get the feeling I'm gonna be embarrassed.

You got a better idea?

No.

Then relax. Have fun.

So you turned down the $1,000 for curtain number three,

and let's take a look and see what we have back there.

Oh, 200 cantaloupes, worth $94.36.

But that's the way it happens sometimes when you get so...

Thank you for being such a good sport on Let's Make A Deal,

and in just a moment, after this commercial message,

we're going to come back and pay ten dollars for anyone

who has a rubber band.

That'll be just one minute from now.

How are we doing on time?

We're right on the second.

Oscar. What?

You've got a rubber band. This is our chance.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

It's holding your socks up.

Give it to me.

Felix, this is silly...

I know it's silly, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Here. Where is it?

Here. Will he take it broken?

Oh, I don't know what's happening to me.

A week ago, I was a happy sportswriter.

Today I'm the back end of Mister Ed.

Don't worry, we're gonna get on the show.

We've got the best costume here.

You just see some of these ridiculous people around here.

All right, time once again

to go back to Let's Make A Deal and pay off those ten dollars

for every rubber band we have.

Here's a young lady right over here.

Here's your ten dollars.

Thank you very much for the rubber band.

Now down, boy, down, down!

Down, Silver.

There's a good horse.

There you are.

We'll take the rubber band and we'll give you ten dollars.

There you are.

Now who else might have... Let's make a deal!

Let's make a deal, Monty, let's make a deal!

This horse is a nag.

You want to make another deal?

All right, we'll take your ten dollars

so you can trade for what's behind the curtain.

But first of all, let's see who I'm dealing with here.

This is Frederick Ungman and... Ozzie Malone.

All right, Frederick and Ozzie,

let's see what we have for you

behind the curtain.

And you have yourself a new waffle iron.

A waffle iron.

Don't you have any bedroom furniture back there?

Just a minute, Frederick.

You haven't seen it all, because

there's something that goes with the waffle iron.

Oh. Right behind the other curtain.

So, you can keep your waffle iron and what's behind it or...

Mm-hmm. Or? You could have what's under the box...

Uh-huh. Or...

Another or? Yes, you can have

what's in this envelope,

but here I have some money

and I guarantee you,

there's at least $100 in cash in there.

Take the envelope!

I don't want the envelope, I want a bed.

Take the envelope!

What is it going to be?

The envelope or the curtain or the box?

The en... the curtain... the bo...

I... Take the money and run!

Goodness, folks, Ozzie speaks.

This is a very talented horse.

It talks at both ends.

Why don't you, uh, why don't you take off your costume

and let's take a look and see what you look like.

No! No! Huh, come on, folks,

everybody wants to see your faces.

Why don't you do that?

No. Some other time, folks.

Ah, now, come on, no,

you don't take off the costume, it's no deal.

Come on now, Felix. No, no, that's blackmail.

Come on, there we go. No, no, no, no, that's blackmail!

Oh, no... There we are.

Felix!

Felix Unger.

Folks, you know who this is?

This is New York's finest photographer, Felix Unger.

Hello, America.

I wonder who's in the other end.

Could it possibly be...

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Could... yeah, well, there...

Yes, it's Oscar Madison, New York's finest sportswriter.

Oscar, what are you doing now?

Covering the races from the inside?

Ha. Come on out here.

Let's take a look at you.

Come on, Oscar.

Might as well.

Keep your sense of humor.

What about my sense of dignity?

So, Oscar Madison.

This is the man who said,

"Where do you get all those crazy people

who come dressed to your show, huh?"

And here he is himself, in the horse's flesh.

You're a clever man. Yes.

Well, this sounds like a good time

to take a break for a commercial message

and then we'll come back for the next half

of the Oscar and Felix Show,

which should be a lot of fun. Stick around.

Thirty seconds, Monty.

Right. Well, Oscar, nice to have you here.

You look just great in tails.

You kill me, Monty.

Speak up, don't mumble.

Kill!!

I just can't believe it.

Oscar Madison right here on my show.

That's terrific.

D-Does this mean you're going to have to disqualify us?

Would I do a thing like that?

I bet he would.

No, no, that's not my style.

Aw, doggone it, Mr. Hall, you're a person.

Yeah. No wonder millions of people love you.

You're on, Monty.

All right.

It's time now to resume with Felix and Oscar.

You boys know what you have... You have the waffle iron,

and I said you could have that and what's behind it. Yeah.

Or the box or the cash,

and we know there's at least one hundred dollars in cash.

So what's it going to be?

Ah, oh... let-let's consider this

very, very carefully.

Sure, take the envelope.

Why the envelope? Why not?

Good thinking. We'll take the envelope.

You're going to take the envelope. All right.

First of all we'll see what was behind the waffle iron.

There was a gourmet rotisserie!

Oh, a rotisserie.

I've always wanted that.

Oh, we blew it.

Wait a minute, now.

That's what was behind the waffle iron.

Now, let's take a look and see what you blew under the box.

It was a microwave oven!

Oh, oh, I've always wanted a...

Oh, you blew it. You blew it.

Not necessarily, because I said you still have cash in here.

Now, let's find out how much cash we have.

I told you there's at least one hundred dollars?

There's the one hundred.

Now, watch this.

Two hundred... three hundred... four...

Oh!

Five hundred... six hundred... Oh!

Felix! Seven hundred...

eight hundred dollars!

Eight hundred dollars! Just what I've always wanted.

I didn't blow it.

Now that you have the eight hundred dollars,

maybe you'd be interested in trading the eight hundred dollars

for one of our three curtains because the Big Deal today

is worth over five thousand dollars.

No. Yes! Yes!

The yeses have it two to one. All right.

You decide what curtain you want,

and I'll see if I can find somebody else to trade away what they already have.

Felix, what's the... Don't get greedy. Take the money.

What is eight hundred dollars compared to five thousand?

I feel lucky.

Felix, we're liable to lose everything. Listen to me!

If I had listened to you,

we wouldn't be in this swell horse's outfit!

All right now, this gentleman right back here

is going to trade in his refrigerator-freezer

for curtain number three.

What curtain do you want?

Oh, oh, I... That means I can have number one or number two?

That's right.

Okay, I'll, I'll take... ah, ooh...

I'll take number... Come on, take a number.

Well? I'll...

I'll go for broke with number two.

Go for broke?

A very adequate choice of words, because

behind curtain number two, we have 20 cases of canned squid!

Canned squid?

Maybe there's a mistake.

Maybe that was the wrong curtain.

Canned squid?

But wait a moment.

You'll notice this beautiful young lady

has just brought forth one can of canned squid.

And on this can, there's a little note,

and in the note, there's a message.

And what could that message be?

This is the big one. This is the big one.

It'll be a trip to Europe. All right, come on.

All right now, do you want to keep your squid

and the message that's contained herein...

Mm-hmm. But if you don't,

I'll give you back your $800 and a 200-dollar bonus,

and then you'll have $1,000 in cash.

What do you want to do? Keep the squid.

Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?

Take the money.

No, no, keep the squid!

This is a trick, this is a trick!

I'll take the money.

The money? Yes.

Ah, you're not going to take the squid? No.

All right, you have the one thousand dollars, right?

Yes. Okay.

Here is your $1,000. Yes.

Now, I'm going to show you what you turned down

when you turned down the squid.

The message says... Are you ready for this?

Yes. "If you'd have kept this squid,

I would have owed you one more can of squid.

We did it...

You can see how happy the boys are.

And why not? They have $1,000.

One thousand dollars.

But that's not the reason why Oscar is smiling.

Why am I smiling?

You see, friends, I've known Oscar Madison for many, many years,

and we sort of stretched things just a little bit to allow him

to participate in the show and win all the money,

but as the rules clearly say

that no friends or relatives can play and win money on Let's Make A Deal,

I just know what Felix and Oscar want to do with their winnings today.

What?

Felix and Oscar would like to donate the one thousand dollars

to their favorite orphanage.

No! No!

I'll make a deal with the orphanage!

Felix! No, of course, I'm kidding.

You know that I'm kidding. I'm an orphan myself.

Hi, Mom!

Orphans come to our house for dinner.

Okay, chow call, gentlemen.

You know, that is a beautiful bed.

Yeah, Felix laid out the money.

I have to pay him back five dollars a month... forever.

Okay, each of you will find on your place something very special.

What do you see, Oscar? A carrot.

And Monty, what do you see on your plate?

One potato chip.

Okay, let's make a deal!

Pick me, pick me, pick me!

All right, I'll pick you.

Now, I'll tell you what I'll trade you for your carrot.

You can have plate number one,

plate number two or plate number three.

What will it be?

Come on! Hey, come on!

I'll have plate number one.

Plate number one, and let's see what Oscar's

plate number one... A beautiful steak! Ooh!

Oh... In exchange for

his carrot. Thank you.

All right. Now me, now me, now me!

Yes, yes. Now it's my turn.

All right, for your potato chip,

What am I gonna have? you can have either plate number two

or plate number three. Take two, take two.

Two, two, two, two, two, two.

Take two. Two.

Two it is for Monty, which leaves

plate number three for lucky Felix.

Let's just see what Felix is going to get. A beautiful

steak for Felix And now mine, mine, mine.

In exchange for his coleslaw.

All right! And now here is

plate number two for Monty. Right, right, a very nice,

juicy... Canned squid.