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1
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:25,619
Are your feet wet?
2
00:00:25,643 --> 00:00:27,308
No, I wore shoes.
3
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,828
I'm not in the
mood for cuteness.
4
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,997
Not on the rug!
5
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,099
I'll water your fern.
6
00:00:34,151 --> 00:00:36,335
I mean... Come on.
7
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,804
No, not the wet coat
in the good closet.
8
00:00:39,857 --> 00:00:41,991
Come on, hang
that in the... All right.
9
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:46,828
Satisfied?
10
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,665
It's your coat.
11
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:52,550
Did you bring them?
12
00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:53,847
Bring what?
13
00:00:53,871 --> 00:00:57,706
How many things do I ask
you to bring? My nose drops.
14
00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,657
Sorry, I forgot.
15
00:00:59,710 --> 00:01:00,642
He forgot.
16
00:01:00,711 --> 00:01:01,777
Well, it was raining.
17
00:01:01,845 --> 00:01:04,195
I'm sitting here
suffering all evening.
18
00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:05,630
My sinuses are poisoned
19
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,332
by this dampness,
and he forgets.
20
00:01:07,384 --> 00:01:10,219
Why don't you get
it over with, Oscar?
21
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,955
Go smash my vaporizer
and I'll clog to death.
22
00:01:14,358 --> 00:01:15,535
I said I was sorry.
23
00:01:15,559 --> 00:01:16,624
Sorry isn't enough.
24
00:01:16,693 --> 00:01:19,494
Sorry's all I got.
25
00:01:19,563 --> 00:01:20,843
Where are you going?
26
00:01:20,898 --> 00:01:22,230
To the drugstore.
27
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:25,067
With your sinuses? You
can't go out in this weather.
28
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,319
I'm touched by your concern.
29
00:01:30,374 --> 00:01:31,506
Will you go for me?
30
00:01:31,575 --> 00:01:32,855
No.
31
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:40,332
A man can't do a
simple favor for a friend.
32
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:42,061
Felix, since you're going out,
33
00:01:42,085 --> 00:01:44,125
would you mail this
for me? I forgot to.
34
00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:50,776
Unbelievable.
Absolutely unbelievable.
35
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,058
Internal Revenue Service?
36
00:01:56,082 --> 00:01:58,216
Yeah.
37
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,018
You're sending
in your taxes now?
38
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,453
I'm a patriotic American.
39
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:04,273
You're also 12 days late.
40
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,075
Whenever I send
it, they take it.
41
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:11,363
Boy, I'd like to be around
when they catch up to you.
42
00:02:11,415 --> 00:02:14,483
The mills of the gods
grind slowly, Oscar.
43
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,151
They grind exceeding small.
44
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,152
Yes?
45
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,349
I have a registered letter.
46
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,972
You see? This man wasn't stopped
47
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,407
by a little rain or sleet.
48
00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:23,258
Who's it from?
49
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,509
Internal Revenue Service.
50
00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:25,510
Internal Revenue?
51
00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:28,130
Aha, aha, they got
you. They got you.
52
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,215
The mills of the gods.
53
00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,650
Get out! The mills of the gods!
54
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,696
"You are hereby requested
to appear at the office
55
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,665
"of the Internal Revenue
Service. Ah. Aha.
56
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,899
"You must be there in the...
57
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,490
Yeah, yeah. Come
on. Read it out loud.
58
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:39,559
I need a good gloat.
59
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,037
Oh, thank goodness. What?
60
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,705
Well, it's not as
bad as I thought.
61
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:43,662
How come?
62
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,997
It's for you.
63
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:53,488
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
64
00:02:53,557 --> 00:02:55,624
from his place of residence.
65
00:02:55,693 --> 00:02:58,326
That request came from his wife.
66
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,729
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
67
00:03:00,798 --> 00:03:04,232
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
68
00:03:04,301 --> 00:03:06,201
With nowhere else to go,
69
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,004
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
70
00:03:09,073 --> 00:03:10,271
Several years earlier,
71
00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:11,918
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
72
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,626
requesting that he never return.
73
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,145
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
74
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,191
without driving
each other crazy?
75
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,829
♪ ♪
76
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:10,432
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
77
00:04:12,536 --> 00:04:13,536
They-they want to see me
78
00:04:13,603 --> 00:04:14,647
at their office
tomorrow morning.
79
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,782
They're investigating my taxes.
80
00:04:15,806 --> 00:04:17,216
How do you know
it's an investigation?
81
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,918
"To clear up a discrepancy
in your tax return."
82
00:04:18,942 --> 00:04:20,219
What does that
sound like to you?
83
00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:21,576
An investigation.
84
00:04:21,644 --> 00:04:23,189
I'm starved. I'm gonna
make a sandwich.
85
00:04:23,213 --> 00:04:26,948
How can you eat when
they're investigating my taxes?
86
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,017
With a clear conscience.
87
00:04:28,085 --> 00:04:29,718
I didn't do anything wrong.
88
00:04:29,787 --> 00:04:31,031
I didn't do anything
wrong either.
89
00:04:31,055 --> 00:04:32,899
Then you've got nothing
to worry about, have you?
90
00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:33,855
A lot you know.
91
00:04:33,924 --> 00:04:35,068
They put you in jail
92
00:04:35,092 --> 00:04:36,286
when they
investigate your taxes.
93
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,977
They get nice
respectable people like me.
94
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:41,696
That's how they got Al Capone!
95
00:04:41,765 --> 00:04:43,832
Maybe you'll get his cell.
96
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,662
I heard he left his
old opera records
97
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,953
and a machine gun
made out of soap.
98
00:04:48,022 --> 00:04:50,466
You make jokes when I
can hear the handcuffs
99
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,324
clicking together and
saying, "We gotcha, Unger."
100
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:56,327
Who's gonna water
my plants if I go away?
101
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:57,328
Take 'em with you.
102
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,330
You'll be the
Shrubman of Alcatraz.
103
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:07,152
Oscar?
104
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,393
Oscar?
105
00:05:21,472 --> 00:05:22,420
Hi.
106
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,205
"Hi"?
107
00:05:26,309 --> 00:05:27,559
I got my nose drops.
108
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:31,947
Good. Did you get some
wire for a fractured jaw?
109
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,544
Oscar, the last couple of hours
110
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,645
while I was walking around
111
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,313
looking for an
all-night drugstore,
112
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,271
I had plenty of
time to think, so
113
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,651
considering this whole thing
114
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,609
unemotionally,
and with cool logic,
115
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,073
Little Felix is up the creek.
116
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,697
I found it.
117
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,535
Makes jokes. It's very funny.
118
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,615
What am I gonna do?!
119
00:05:55,639 --> 00:05:58,473
Felix. Look, as one
friend to another,
120
00:05:58,542 --> 00:06:00,475
you're a maniac!
121
00:06:00,544 --> 00:06:02,210
You didn't do anything wrong.
122
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,213
You send in the best
tax return in the country.
123
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,548
Will you go to sleep, please?
124
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:07,549
Sleep, who can sleep?
125
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,083
I'll be up all night long.
126
00:06:09,153 --> 00:06:11,019
Then pace quietly.
Now, good night!
127
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,744
Good night.
128
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,390
Hi. You!
129
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,224
You're the one they
should investigate!
130
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:24,159
You keep no
records, no receipts!
131
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:25,895
You send in your
return a month late.
132
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,251
You're the only man I know
133
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,954
who has his return
filled out by his bartender.
134
00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:33,008
He's studying to
be an accountant.
135
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,961
Do you know when I sent
in my return? January 2.
136
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,974
All day New Year's
Day, I'm working on it
137
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,498
while you're watching football
games and sobering up.
138
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,267
I report everything.
139
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,720
Last August, I helped an
old lady carry her groceries.
140
00:06:45,789 --> 00:06:46,833
She gave me a quarter.
141
00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:47,922
I reported that.
142
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:50,508
I was with you. She
gave you a half a buck.
143
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:54,812
Well, that was a quarter
for each of us. Ah, yeah.
144
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,681
I don't want it
now. It's hot money!
145
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,414
Sends his return in on
a wet cocktail napkin,
146
00:07:01,438 --> 00:07:02,704
and they investigate me.
147
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,734
That's enough, Felix!
Now will you go to sleep?
148
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,224
I can't sleep.
149
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,859
Take a sleeping pill.
150
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,939
Oh, all right. I'll
take a sleeping pill.
151
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:10,973
Maybe that'll...
152
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,547
And I don't want
you back here again.
153
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,570
Don't worry, Oscar.
154
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,972
I won't be back here again.
155
00:07:32,635 --> 00:07:34,569
Good morning, Felix.
156
00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:36,571
Breakfast smells good.
157
00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:42,311
Oh, boy.
158
00:07:47,984 --> 00:07:49,584
That's weak coffee.
159
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,922
Felix, why didn't
you make the coffee?
160
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:56,257
Felix?
161
00:07:56,326 --> 00:07:57,658
Felix!
162
00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,795
What is this?
He's still... Felix!
163
00:08:00,863 --> 00:08:01,874
Come on. Hey, Felix!
164
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,098
You know what time it is?
165
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,218
Felix, wake up, will you?
166
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,887
Felix, do you know
what time it is?
167
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:10,889
Felix! Felix, you're
still sleeping?
168
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,323
Do you know what time it is?
169
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,870
Will you get up
and make my cof...?
170
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,093
Felix, you all right?!
171
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,095
Felix!
172
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,230
Felix...
173
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,568
He took the whole bottle.
174
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,236
And the cotton.
175
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,574
Come on, you gotta walk.
176
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,054
Dr. Melnitz will be
here any minute.
177
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,577
You gotta walk. Let's go.
178
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:33,778
Come on.
179
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,181
Felix.
180
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:38,930
Just keep walking.
181
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,496
It's like walking
with a wheelbarrow.
182
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,498
Felix, Felix, wake up.
183
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,532
You gotta walk. Come here.
184
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:44,488
I want to sleep.
185
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,257
No sleep, no! Here,
have some coffee.
186
00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:47,475
Have some coffee.
187
00:08:47,544 --> 00:08:49,477
Have some coffee...
Have some coffee.
188
00:08:49,546 --> 00:08:52,480
Oh, that's terrible.
189
00:08:52,549 --> 00:08:53,626
That isn't my coffee.
190
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:54,916
I made it.
191
00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:56,228
Ugh. Did you clean the pot?
192
00:08:56,252 --> 00:08:57,619
The man took an
overdose of pills
193
00:08:57,688 --> 00:08:59,098
and he's worried
about cleaning the pot.
194
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:00,788
Just keep walking. Keep walking.
195
00:09:00,857 --> 00:09:02,234
Felix. Now he's
walking backwards.
196
00:09:02,258 --> 00:09:03,669
Come on, Felix, get up will you?
197
00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:04,704
Walk! Come on. Come on.
198
00:09:05,729 --> 00:09:06,828
Come in!
199
00:09:06,896 --> 00:09:08,107
Look, I think
that's Dr. Melnitz.
200
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,230
Come on.
201
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,564
All right.
202
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,266
All right,
203
00:09:12,336 --> 00:09:15,069
my nurse told me
you had an emergency.
204
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,337
Which one of you is dying?
205
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:19,090
The one lying on
the couch. Here.
206
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,236
All right, Felix.
207
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,027
Huh? What's the matter with you?
208
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,674
He was worried
about his income tax.
209
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:25,913
He took sleeping pills.
210
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,748
How many? I don't know.
211
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:28,749
Maybe the whole bottle.
212
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,751
All right.
213
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:34,956
Let's have a look.
214
00:09:35,025 --> 00:09:35,957
Oh, my.
215
00:09:36,026 --> 00:09:37,225
What is it?
216
00:09:37,294 --> 00:09:38,726
I'm exhausted.
217
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,726
The earliest house
call I ever had.
218
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:44,811
You got some coffee?
219
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,100
Yeah. Here. I got some ready.
220
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:49,103
No. Don't drink the
coffee, it's terrible.
221
00:09:50,974 --> 00:09:53,774
Help me, will you, Dr. Melnitz?
222
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,276
Here we go. Ahh!
223
00:09:57,647 --> 00:09:58,579
Felix.
224
00:09:58,648 --> 00:09:59,914
Hmm... mm.
225
00:09:59,983 --> 00:10:02,503
How many pills did you take?
226
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,586
One.
227
00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:06,787
One pill?
228
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:09,257
When did you take it?
229
00:10:09,326 --> 00:10:11,058
Quarter of 7:00.
230
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,591
I made a house
call because he took
231
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:18,466
one sleeping pill an
hour and a half ago?
232
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:19,979
But why would he
take a sleeping pill
233
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:21,931
at a quarter of 7:00
in the morning?!
234
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,290
Because I wasn't
able to sleep all night.
235
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,337
Felix, what's troubling you?
236
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,294
Hmm?
237
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,830
Dr. Melnitz!
238
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,265
What are you doing here?
239
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,501
Am I all right?
240
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,213
You're fine. You're fine.
241
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,505
You get my bill tomorrow.
242
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:41,854
It's deductible.
243
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,108
You know something?
244
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,510
I think I'm the only doctor
in New York who's awake
245
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,996
at this hour who doesn't
have a golf club in his hands.
246
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,577
I'll see you.
247
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:52,967
I called him, Felix.
248
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,164
I saw the empty bottle
of pills, I got worried.
249
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,556
The bottle was empty because
there was only one pill in it.
250
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,861
I used the cotton
to clean my ears.
251
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,113
Okay, Felix... up.
252
00:11:06,182 --> 00:11:08,316
I want you to get up. Get up!
253
00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:10,585
I want you to go down to
the Internal Revenue Service.
254
00:11:10,654 --> 00:11:12,587
I hope they convict you.
255
00:11:12,656 --> 00:11:14,355
I hope you get Capone's cell
256
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,591
and I hope all his opera
records are broken.
257
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:17,925
Now, vamoose!
258
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,025
Where you going?
259
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,647
You told me to vamoose.
260
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,783
Aren't you gonna
fix my breakfast first?
261
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,114
Is Mr. Unger here?
262
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,294
Yes. Yes, here.
263
00:11:41,318 --> 00:11:42,650
Would you step this way, please?
264
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,263
Well, all these people
are ahead of me.
265
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,154
You're next, Mr. Unger.
266
00:11:46,222 --> 00:11:47,671
We've been waiting for you.
267
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:49,974
Ah.
268
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,520
Tell me about this guy Ferret.
269
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,555
Is he a tough cookie?
270
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,713
Pretty tough.
271
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,358
Well, he's met his match now,
272
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,382
I'll tell you that.
273
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,235
Pushing innocent people around?
274
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,236
Sit down, Mr. Unger.
275
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,425
Thank you.
276
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,667
Y...
277
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,136
Oh. When when I saw
the name Lee Ferret, I...
278
00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:21,834
I thought it was a
Mr. Ferret, but... but it's not.
279
00:12:21,858 --> 00:12:24,425
What is it? Mrs. Ferret?
280
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,959
Miss Ferret?
281
00:12:26,029 --> 00:12:28,245
Ms. Ferret?
282
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,818
Mr. Unger, in looking
over your, uh... tax return,
283
00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:35,837
I found a small discrepancy.
284
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:38,856
I make out the finest tax
return of anybody I know!
285
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,168
Now, look at it. Look at it.
286
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:41,904
Nice, big, clear printing,
different-color inks,
287
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,739
all the sevens the same size.
288
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,207
Oh, yes. That's very
considerate of you.
289
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,664
But you investigate me.
290
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,027
Why don't you investigate
people like my roommate?
291
00:12:48,051 --> 00:12:50,011
He fills out his
return any old way.
292
00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:51,318
He sends it in a month late.
293
00:12:51,387 --> 00:12:53,232
Some years, he
doesn't send it in at all.
294
00:12:53,256 --> 00:12:54,634
But do you investigate
Oscar Madison?
295
00:12:54,658 --> 00:12:55,938
No. You investigate Felix Unger.
296
00:12:58,795 --> 00:13:00,294
What are you laughing at?
297
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:03,364
Mr. Unger, I didn't think
you'd get that upset.
298
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:04,899
You have a beautiful tax return.
299
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:06,651
The nicest one I've ever seen.
300
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,237
Cover and everything.
301
00:13:09,306 --> 00:13:12,740
In fact, we're thinking of putting
it on display in the waiting room
302
00:13:12,809 --> 00:13:14,258
instead of the one
that's there now.
303
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,759
And well you should.
304
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,261
There's just one thing.
305
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,996
Yes?
306
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:21,181
You forgot to sign your check.
307
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:26,003
That's all?
308
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:29,590
That's why Uncle Sam wants me?
309
00:13:29,659 --> 00:13:31,459
That's all.
310
00:13:31,528 --> 00:13:33,872
You mean I can
walk in the sun again?
311
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:37,164
You can walk anywhere
you like, Mr. Unger.
312
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,312
Well, why did you send
me a special delivery letter
313
00:13:39,336 --> 00:13:40,813
in the middle of the night
and scare me half to death?
314
00:13:40,837 --> 00:13:41,914
You could have mailed me this.
315
00:13:41,938 --> 00:13:43,604
I'm sorry for the inconvenience
316
00:13:43,673 --> 00:13:46,039
but, you see, I sent
that letter myself.
317
00:13:46,109 --> 00:13:48,926
We wanted to
meet you personally.
318
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:52,596
Come on in, everybody!
Mr. Unger is here.
319
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:56,300
We wanted to shake
the hand of the man
320
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,536
who sends in the
most beautiful tax return
321
00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:01,205
year after year after year.
322
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,174
Congratulations.
323
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,278
Thank you. Thank you.
324
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,583
Many happy returns!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
325
00:14:11,635 --> 00:14:15,136
Well, I'm glad things
ended so easily.
326
00:14:15,204 --> 00:14:17,033
Mr. Unger, just one
more thing. Yes?
327
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,822
That person you mentioned...
328
00:14:18,891 --> 00:14:21,776
The one who doesn't care what
he puts down on his tax return?
329
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:22,560
Who?
330
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,507
Mr. Oscar Madison? Who?
331
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,063
No, no. I... No. I...
332
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:27,610
Don't pay any attention
to anything I said.
333
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,367
When I... when I get excited,
I invent imaginary roommates.
334
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,914
I think... What was the
name? What was that?
335
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,850
Oscar Madison. Oscar
Madison. Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
336
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,206
I live alone.
337
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:38,776
Carol, will you bring me in
the files on Oscar Madison?
338
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,169
You mean all they wanted
was for you to sign the check?
339
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:55,760
Yes.
340
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,829
Weren't you crazy
to be so worried?
341
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:02,634
Well, you know me.
I'm the zany, wacky guy.
342
00:15:02,686 --> 00:15:04,385
Felix, I want to thank you.
343
00:15:04,453 --> 00:15:05,998
I want to tell you, you
made my favorite...
344
00:15:06,022 --> 00:15:09,623
That Mexican food... With
tamales, chili con carne.
345
00:15:09,693 --> 00:15:11,059
Everything I love.
346
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:13,728
Well, you only live once.
347
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,900
You're priceless.
348
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:24,639
Mmm...
349
00:15:24,708 --> 00:15:26,307
I ought to be more like you.
350
00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:28,959
You know, you don't let little
crazy things upset you. You...
351
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:32,579
You roll with the old punches.
352
00:15:32,648 --> 00:15:34,460
I get the feeling
I'm being greased.
353
00:15:34,484 --> 00:15:36,561
Now, what are you leading up to?
354
00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:40,238
I'm leading up to
dessert, and I fixed a very,
355
00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:42,006
very special one.
356
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:43,140
Well, that's lovely.
357
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,520
Every Mexican restaurant I know,
358
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,844
well, they always serve
you this. It's marvelous.
359
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,913
Bananas flambé.
360
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:50,815
Or burnt bananas.
361
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,390
You're marvelous!
So uninhibited.
362
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,792
Who else would light
a cigar on a dessert
363
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,062
a man spends four
hours preparing?
364
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,498
You got cool. That's
what you've got.
365
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:09,111
Felix, come on,
come on, come on.
366
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,055
Now, what's with you
tonight? What are you doing?
367
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,954
Come in, Murray.
368
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,323
Oh. Hi, Felix.
369
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:17,536
Hi, Oscar.
370
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,492
I invited him.
371
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,327
Come on in. Good to see you.
372
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,263
We'll have a nice evening.
373
00:16:22,331 --> 00:16:23,897
Did you bring your gun?
374
00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,832
Good. Good.
375
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,568
Have a cup of coffee.
376
00:16:27,636 --> 00:16:31,272
Isn't this nice to have
a little social visit?
377
00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:33,274
See? We don't have many chances
378
00:16:33,342 --> 00:16:36,110
to get together like this
and-and chat, you know?
379
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,330
Chat? What is this, the
Virginia Graham show?
380
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,016
What are we going to chat about?
381
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,384
Well, anything.
382
00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:47,372
We'll talk about, oh,
advances in police science
383
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,923
and criminology.
384
00:16:48,991 --> 00:16:50,903
That's not nice,
Felix. Murray's here.
385
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:54,261
Let's talk about something
we can all discuss.
386
00:16:54,330 --> 00:16:55,780
Did you tell him yet?
387
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,366
Loose lips sink ships.
388
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:02,970
Tell me what, Loose Lips?
389
00:17:05,642 --> 00:17:07,074
All right, the shaft's over.
390
00:17:07,143 --> 00:17:08,386
Wait, wait. What is it? What?
391
00:17:08,410 --> 00:17:10,944
Oscar, something very
funny happened. What?
392
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,271
When I think of it, I start
laughing. What happened?
393
00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:16,884
When he told me,
I got hysterical!
394
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:21,054
Tell me. I could use a laugh.
395
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,801
What is it, Murray? Come on.
396
00:17:22,825 --> 00:17:24,791
Laughter is
contagious, isn't it?
397
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:26,594
Let me in on the contagion, too.
398
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:30,648
What is it? What
happened? What? Tell me.
399
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,335
What?!
400
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:39,791
When I was down at the
Bureau of... Revenue...
401
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,459
Come on.
402
00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:45,213
What?
403
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,666
Well, I inadvertently
said to them that
404
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,703
instead of investigating me,
they ought to investigate you.
405
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,141
And they're going to do it.
406
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,451
Mr. Madison, this is impossible.
407
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,597
You want more records?
408
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:09,920
No, no, no, no.
409
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:12,101
You see, you're supposed
to list each receipt separately,
410
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:14,391
not keep a running
total for the year.
411
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,904
Oh, well, do the best
you can. Come on.
412
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,228
I'm doing the best I can.
413
00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,773
I... I've been looking
at receipts on...
414
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:22,166
on the back of cocktail
napkins, matchbook covers,
415
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:26,303
footballs, basketballs,
hockey pucks... I quit.
416
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:27,771
Wait a minute!
417
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,869
You promised me that no job
was too big for you to handle.
418
00:18:29,893 --> 00:18:31,937
And you promised me
that I was going to take care
419
00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:34,395
of your income tax,
not clean up your room.
420
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,959
Look, I'll tell you what.
421
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,750
Why don't you just bring
the tax examiner in here
422
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,385
and plead insanity?
423
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,862
No wonder he got confused.
424
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,765
These are my 1968 receipts.
425
00:18:57,503 --> 00:18:59,503
Let's see.
426
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:00,871
"Item 28.
427
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:04,275
"Subtract earned income
from item 13 on form B.
428
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:07,678
Form B... from accrued
interest on form nine."
429
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:09,546
Now, where did I put form nine?
430
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:10,759
Form nine is the tricky one.
431
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,149
Who asked you?
432
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:14,618
Just pack your pots and
pans and get out, like I told you!
433
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,790
I can't do this!
434
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:23,460
All right, five and
four are eight and...
435
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:24,761
Five and four are nine.
436
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,131
Thank you, and
keep your mouth shut!
437
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,677
I'll give you the
mark of the squealer.
438
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,767
I just don't want
you to get in trouble
439
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,236
with the T-men, that's all.
440
00:19:32,288 --> 00:19:34,848
I'll handle it. I'll handle it.
441
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,125
Do you want me
to do that for you?
442
00:19:38,194 --> 00:19:39,459
What?!
443
00:19:39,528 --> 00:19:41,762
Do you want me
to do that for you?
444
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,597
Yeah.
445
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,244
You do want me
to do that for you?
446
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,434
Don't ask me to repeat it.
447
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:48,531
I'm very bad at humble.
448
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,555
No more outbursts.
449
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,433
No more outbursts,
and I'm sorry.
450
00:19:51,457 --> 00:19:53,690
Look at this. I'm
apologizing to the squealer.
451
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,971
Nobody can stay mad
at Felix Unger very long.
452
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,906
I'm hard to hate. You know why?
453
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,241
Because I'm your friend.
454
00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:00,642
Yeah. A stranger
would walk out on you,
455
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:01,844
but friends stay together.
456
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,700
The old Felix-Oscar team.
457
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:04,913
We're together again!
458
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,170
I want you to look at form B.
459
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,104
We're going to plough
through this! Yeah.
460
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:10,558
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
461
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,693
And another, "Hmm,
hmm, hmm, hmm!".
462
00:20:12,762 --> 00:20:14,762
Say something
encouraging, will you, Felix?
463
00:20:14,831 --> 00:20:17,343
Well, there's always parole.
464
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:21,152
That's a laugh.
465
00:20:21,204 --> 00:20:23,988
Now, who is Irwin Weintraub?
466
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,407
My bookie.
467
00:20:28,378 --> 00:20:32,312
You can't list your
bookie as a dependent.
468
00:20:32,382 --> 00:20:36,016
Yes, I can. I read
that tax book.
469
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,402
If you're responsible
for more than half
470
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:41,622
of the financial support of
any person, he's a dependent!
471
00:20:41,691 --> 00:20:42,691
No.
472
00:20:42,725 --> 00:20:44,157
Whose side are you on?
473
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:46,893
Now, you have $1.50 here
for cleaning and pressing,
474
00:20:46,962 --> 00:20:48,090
but you don't have a date.
475
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:50,214
It's for the whole year.
476
00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,216
You don't list your
outside income.
477
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,672
What outside income?
478
00:20:58,741 --> 00:21:00,741
Well, the money you made when...
479
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:02,404
outside of the newspaper.
480
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,861
I don't have any of that.
481
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,441
What about those
magazine articles you wrote?
482
00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:08,732
Oh, yeah. Those.
483
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,578
What about that book
you helped ghostwrite?
484
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:12,369
Oh, yeah. That.
485
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,648
"Oh yeah. Those.
Oh, yeah. That."
486
00:21:13,672 --> 00:21:14,783
Is that what you're
going to tell them
487
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,068
tomorrow down at the office?
488
00:21:16,092 --> 00:21:17,291
No. I'm gonna tell them
489
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,871
I got a roommate
who's a squealer!
490
00:21:18,895 --> 00:21:22,096
I might have known you'd get
around to blaming this on me.
491
00:21:22,164 --> 00:21:23,380
What are you talking about?
492
00:21:23,433 --> 00:21:26,233
I always blamed you. I
never stopped blaming...!
493
00:21:26,302 --> 00:21:29,069
You realize you finked on me to
the United States Government?
494
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:30,404
But you forgave me.
495
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:33,340
I never forgave you.
496
00:21:33,409 --> 00:21:35,309
I never said "forgiving."
497
00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:36,821
I said, if you helped,
you could stay.
498
00:21:36,845 --> 00:21:38,745
I never mentioned
the word "forgive."
499
00:21:38,814 --> 00:21:40,747
So you're just using me.
500
00:21:40,816 --> 00:21:42,182
Aw...!
501
00:21:42,251 --> 00:21:43,395
Come on. What about your return?
502
00:21:43,419 --> 00:21:44,285
I haven't finished yet.
503
00:21:44,353 --> 00:21:45,619
Forget it!
504
00:21:45,687 --> 00:21:47,065
I'm gonna go down there,
throw myself at their mercy,
505
00:21:47,089 --> 00:21:48,906
and take my chances!
506
00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:51,525
Why don't you call
Irwin Weintraub?
507
00:21:51,594 --> 00:21:54,394
With your chances,
he'd give you great odds.
508
00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:01,885
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!
509
00:22:01,938 --> 00:22:04,704
She's giving me another,
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!"
510
00:22:04,773 --> 00:22:06,840
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
511
00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:09,469
Now she's back to, "Mm, hmm."
512
00:22:09,511 --> 00:22:12,479
Mr. Madison, I've been
looking forward to meeting you.
513
00:22:12,565 --> 00:22:13,931
You have?
514
00:22:13,983 --> 00:22:15,894
Yes. I couldn't wait
to meet the man
515
00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:19,085
whose tax return has kept
us all laughing for days.
516
00:22:19,155 --> 00:22:21,439
Is that all me there?
517
00:22:21,491 --> 00:22:23,435
That's all you for
the last eight years.
518
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:24,808
Eight years?
519
00:22:27,913 --> 00:22:29,312
Some of this stuff is priceless!
520
00:22:29,382 --> 00:22:33,650
Mr. Madison, you have
the worst tax returns
521
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:35,585
I have ever seen in my life.
522
00:22:35,638 --> 00:22:39,739
I've had winos throw in
neater returns on a brick.
523
00:22:39,809 --> 00:22:41,537
Do you want me to take
them and do them over?
524
00:22:41,561 --> 00:22:42,492
No.
525
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:44,828
You get one chance by yourself.
526
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:46,813
After that, we do it for you.
527
00:22:46,899 --> 00:22:48,832
Now, this is how much you owe
528
00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:50,834
the United States Government.
529
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:56,139
Do you take credit cards?
530
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,458
I don't have this kind of money.
531
00:22:58,528 --> 00:23:00,961
Oh, we don't like to hear that.
532
00:23:01,030 --> 00:23:04,531
I didn't enjoy saying it.
533
00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:06,817
I'll just have to turn this over
534
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:07,985
to our legal department.
535
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,064
Legal department?
536
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,454
Yes?
537
00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:13,123
Mr. Unger is out here, and
says he must see you right away.
538
00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:15,458
Tell him I can't talk
to him now. I'm b...
539
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:17,007
I'm sorry to barge
in. Mr. Unger,
540
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:18,807
will you kindly wait outside?
But I've got something here
541
00:23:18,831 --> 00:23:20,541
that can crack this
case wide open.
542
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,327
Perfect ending to a perfect day.
543
00:23:22,351 --> 00:23:24,029
I've gone over
this man's records
544
00:23:24,053 --> 00:23:25,364
with a fine-tooth comb,
545
00:23:25,388 --> 00:23:27,366
and according to my figures,
546
00:23:27,390 --> 00:23:31,991
you owe Mr. Madison $94.17.
547
00:23:32,061 --> 00:23:33,460
We owe him?
548
00:23:33,528 --> 00:23:34,940
Yes. You're gonna get
her mad, don't get her mad.
549
00:23:34,964 --> 00:23:36,396
You subtract what Oscar owes you
550
00:23:36,465 --> 00:23:38,748
from this figure,
and you'll get $94.17.
551
00:23:38,818 --> 00:23:40,750
What are you talking about?
552
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,853
Did you know that this
man was once married?
553
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,133
Oh, of course, I know that.
554
00:23:44,157 --> 00:23:45,171
I didn't know that.
555
00:23:45,241 --> 00:23:47,041
Did you know that he
pays alimony every month?
556
00:23:47,076 --> 00:23:48,187
Oh boy, do I know that?
557
00:23:48,211 --> 00:23:49,211
I didn't know that.
558
00:23:49,245 --> 00:23:51,211
Do you know that
alimony is deductible?
559
00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:52,045
I know that.
560
00:23:52,131 --> 00:23:54,064
I didn't know that.
561
00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:56,016
Here are his cancelled
alimony checks
562
00:23:56,085 --> 00:23:57,685
for the past eight years.
563
00:23:57,753 --> 00:23:59,419
Oh, come to think of it,
564
00:23:59,488 --> 00:24:01,989
I do remember you
used to file a joint return.
565
00:24:02,058 --> 00:24:04,119
Well, didn't you ever wonder
what happened to his wife?
566
00:24:04,143 --> 00:24:06,910
Looking at the way
he keeps his records,
567
00:24:06,979 --> 00:24:09,062
I just figured he
lost her somewhere.
568
00:24:15,822 --> 00:24:17,421
Thank you very much, Mr. Unger.
569
00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:19,134
My pleasure, Mrs. Ferret.
570
00:24:19,158 --> 00:24:20,324
Hey,
571
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:22,370
where'd you find
those alimony checks?
572
00:24:22,394 --> 00:24:25,329
They were in a shoe box
marked gambling losses.
573
00:24:25,397 --> 00:24:27,709
Felix, you were so terrific!
574
00:24:27,733 --> 00:24:30,067
I really came in
like the Lone Ranger
575
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:31,947
at the last minute
and saved the day!
576
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:32,971
You sure did.
577
00:24:33,039 --> 00:24:34,449
You know I dream of doing that.
578
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:35,818
I dream of winning the game
579
00:24:35,842 --> 00:24:37,452
in the last minute with
a touchdown... Yeah.
580
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,454
Hitting a home run
at the last second.
581
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:41,073
What do you dream about?
582
00:24:41,097 --> 00:24:44,030
Living alone.
38101
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