All language subtitles for The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington

Ah!

Oh, oh, what's going on here?

My back hurts, he's trying to fix it up for me.

I think he's trying to fix it up for himself.

You don't understand he's a chiropractor.

You know what we call chiropractors like him?

What?

Horny.

Hey, Xaviera, any comments on the Washington sex scandals?

Why me, boys?

I'm not involved.

Come on, Xaviera, when sex is news, you are news.

Well, in that case, let me say, boys, what is good for the general intercourse is good for the country.

Good to see you, boys.

Got a lot of mail here today, Xaviera.

I'm ready, I'm ready let's go!

Dear Xaviera, I am in love with one of a pair of siamese twins.

My sex life with him is really great,
but My problem is whenever we try to get it on the other is always looking over our shoulders and leering at us.

What should I do?

Signed, seeing double.

Dear seeing double, try asking him to join in and if that doesn't work out,
tell him to do it to himself.

Are you ready for the photographer?

I'm always ready for the photographer.

What's the shoot in?

A spread on the top five call girls of the year.

Oh, the high-priced spread.

Will you tell him I'll be right down?

Right.

Dear Xaviera, I only ball chicks but I love to go down on both girls and guys.

My friend said that this makes me bisexual, but I don't know.

What do you think?

Signed tongue-tied.

Dear tongue-tied, no, I just say you're bilingual.

Morning, miss Hollander, coming to get the tart and the sweet?

Hi-ya, Nick, do you have any danish?

No, how about a little Greek?

Out!

Aw.

Out!

Xaviera, please!

Dear Xaviera, I'm in love with a pure-bred collie and we have been living together are for five months.

My parents know that I love him and they don't object, but his do.

He wants more from our relationship and so do I.

I want to have a litter by him.

What do you think?

Signed best of breed.

Dear best of breed --

Hi!

Oh, Sally!

Have I got something to show you.

Have you seen the latest on my dear little Linda?

Now what?

What is this supposed to mean?

Well, it just says she disappeared suddenly.

Now, all those simple Simon pure Senators are saying that is proves she was nothing but a flighty,
irresponsible hooker

and there was nothing to any of her allegations.

Hypocrites, to hell there wasn't.

And that's not all.

Now they're talking about a Senate sub-committee to investigate sexual excesses in America.

I don't imagine they're going to be starting with themselves?

I don't think so.

I think they'd like to make it more of a challenge.

I bet they do.

I love it!

More lights, my darling!

Let me see dimples today.

No, come on, my darling, keep like it is snow.

Here we go, my inspiration, my --

I love Baltimore in the paper!

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling!

Hello, babykins!

Mmmm.

Oh, my baby, oh, my baby!

You look special today!

Do you like it?

For me?

For you, darling!

Ooh!

Mmm, a- stuff today!

That's right.

I have this new model back there that is absolutely scrumptous,

no bad habits like you.

Just like me?

Of course!

Shhh, do it!

Do it!

Let's go.

You think so?

I love it when you're angry!
Baby, baby, I love my darling.

Now baby, now baby don't you miss it!

Let me see, hmmm, okay, I'll need a camera.

Smile, love, think of Tuesday.

Think of Sunday.

Let me see that, hmmm.

Think of me.

Oh, kiss the baby.

Oh, I'm getting vibrations now.

Now on your back, darling.

Help him with this case, quick, time is money.

Oh, heaven, love it, love!

Oh, got it, uh-huh.

Oh, you've done something special ooh.

I don't want to so any privates, not today!

We're not shooting "field and stream," you know!

I'm going to, stop that.

I love it.

The skin tones are going flat.

Put the lollipop in your mouth, Carolyn.

Good!

Good!

What do you think of the story, honey?

Let me look at that, let me take a look at that. Let me look at that.

Carolyn is 19 years old, still lives at home and still loves to go to the zoo on Saturday with her dad,

who is a Lutheran minister.

I got great pictures of them at the zoo feeding the monkeys.

You won't believe it.

But by night, Carolyn is one of the nation's five most expensive

call girls, commanding fees from $1,000 to $1,500 a night.

She is using her earnings to work her way through Valley

State College, where she plans to be either a

neurosurgeon or porno star.

Either career she feels would be fulfilling.

Well, what do you think?

I think I'm late.

For what?

I have a doctor's appointment.

I'll see you later.

React, oh, I love it.

You're crazy!

Oh, why you!
Now, wait a second, I'm the boss!

Why, you're going crazy!

$20, half in half, $50 around the world, $75.

Say ah.

Ah.

Ah, that's an "ah" stick.

Is this your first orgy?

No, I used to be a psychiatrist.

Now, you remember to have them checked again in six months.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

On second thought, why should we take chances?

Check with me in a couple of minutes.

I heard you like chocolate.

Uh-huh, I was raised on Mars bars.

Well, how about a couple of mounds?

Hello?

No, I'm busy right now.

Nothing's wrong.

What do you mean, what's eating me?

There's nothing eating me.

Maybe you should talk to Shiela.

Look, I'd love to talk to you, but I haven't got time for fun right now,
I've got an orgy going on here.

Let me talk to you tomorrow.

Hey, why don't you slip off the rest of your clothes.

Make yourself more comfortable.

I can't, I have to leave my jacket on.

You have to leave your jacket on, why?

What's so special about your jacket?

Well, there's nothing special about the jacket.

This.

What is that, Xaviera, a prescription?

A subpeona.

This man is a process server.

I have to appear to testify before the Senate select committee on sexual excesses in America.

He's not a doctor?

BJ769, this is Los Angeles tower, you are

cleared for take off on runway 6.

Xaviera, as your attorney, I think I should make it clear how serious this situation is.

Just how serious is it, ward?

There is a moralistic backlash that is sweeping the country.

Now, in the wake of those sex scandals in Washington that you've read about and especially now with your friend, Linda,

we're heading right into the teeth of a new puritanism.

And Washington is in the eye of the storm and these Senators, are looking for a place to shift the focus.

You -- you mean, they're looking for a fall guy?

Check.

Someone to draw the heat away from Washington?

Check.

Meaning me?

Check.

Oh, did you want your check, sir? 8 and 4 is 12 and 4 is 16.

No, I --

You're gorgeous.

Could we have some coffee?

Could I have some pumpkin pie?

Sure.

The lady wants pumpkin pie.

Pie?

Pumpkin pie.

Ward, it's sweet of you to worry.

But they're not that interested in me.

I'm sure that this is some kind of a formality.

There must be worse things wrong with this country than the kind of stuff I do.

I'm just an honest hooker, looking for a little peace.

[Laughter]

Ah, Xaviera, there are two things that they can do to you.

First, they can take away your livelihood.

There is a rumor out that this hearing may remove legislation that could remove sex from the protection from the first amendment.

You mean that --

Sex prohibition.

Bathtub sex?

Xaviera.

I'm sorry, what I do is illegal, so what is the difference?

There's going to be so much censorship cross America,

that if this thing gets rolling, that everything you do could end up being illegal.

How would you make out writing a column on interior decorating,

huh?

There are two was of decorating the interior.

First.

That's just what I'm talking about.

Even a joke like that could end up becoming illegal.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Is it?

Would it be ridiculous if I told you that an actor could go to jail just because he worked one day in film?

I so what you mean.

Honey, we don't have pumpkin, so I brought you apple.

Gee, thanks.

Xaviera, you've become kind of a folk hero, the happy hooker.

Now those people think you're a bad example on America.

Under the new puritanism, there is not going to be any happy hookers.

They're going to make me unhappy?

Very.

They might even try to deport you.

Deport me?

Check.

Check.

♪♪

Thank you.

Put my number on it.

Oh.

Attention, please.

Attention, please.

Flight 511 coming into New York has been delayed due to bad weather and will be circling.

So naturally, I went completely the other direction with my children.

My son is vice-president of the gay liberation movement in the Bronx.

That's marvelous.

And my daughter Cynthia, the social worker is in love with a nice Puerto Rican.

Of course, what future is there for her?

He only makes $1,200 a week.

My goodness, that's a very good salary.

What does he do?

He's on welfare.

That's how she met him, investigating his seven wives.

You know, divide 7 into 1,200 and you add 10 children and it's not all that terrific of a living.

Of course, it is steady work.

Well, as long as they're happy.

That's what say.

Those were my words to her when I visited him in the pen last week.

The flight to Boston, will be taxi-ing to the runway momentarily.

I'm sorry, Miss Hollander, I'll have to search you.

Would you mind opening your coat, please?

What do you think I have?

Well, what do I think you have?

Ma'am --

You do that much more and I'll light up.

Yes, ma'am.
Thank you very much are for your cooperation.

I love it in the back, woo.

Yes, yes, ma'am, thank you very much.

What's your name, young man?

Ron, ma'am.

Ron?

Ron, yes, thank you, oh, yes, thank you, Miss Hollander.

Excuse me, Tom, as I live, mu-ah.

Have a nice flight, Miss Hollander.

Don't you want to search me?

No, thank you.

This is Washington tower calling the flight bj769, please switch to ground control tower.

This is bj769 switching to ground control.

That's mine right here.

I'll check on the limo.

I'll meet you at the limousine.

I want to call my office.

I want to call my office.

Miss Hollander will be right --

Johnson, how is it going, asshole?

Hi, how are ya?

Senator Reed, he's a very important man.

Good to see you, senator.

Hi, Bill.

Give me that briefcase, thank you.

I'll call you back later and check in, bye.

Miss Hollander, isn't it?

That's right.

Go on.

Ask her.

Miss Hollander, is sex dangerous at 70?

Only in a car driving fast when you try it.

You see, I told you, Florence, see.

He isn't talking about normal sex like with your wife.

That's me.

We're married.

Oh, congratulations.

We live in Sun City.

That's a senior citizen's community and they have lots of community activities.

Oh, that's marvelous!

And they've come up with a new one.

They call it the "senior swingers."

Oh, I see and you don't, you don't want to try?

Oh, no, it's not that exactly.

The truth is I'm a little tired of the old missionary position.

In fact, I'm a little tired of the old missionary.

Well, what's your problem?

Well, some of our members have heart conditions.

And she takes a long time to climax, always did.

Just enjoy yourselves and they'll enjoy it, too.

And coming is the best way of going.

Nice to see you.

♪♪

Now, I want you to be on your best behavior.

These Senators are very conservative,
and I want you to remember you love marriage, hate sex, and a trick is something you win in a bridge game.

If possible, be demure and respectful.

Ward, you can't be serious about this deportation business.

They wouldn't really try to kick me out of the country,

would they?

It's possible.

Why?

On what grounds?

I told you it's this whole puritan backlash.

They are going to sit up there from there

Victorian, Bible-belt, horse-and-buggies,

and accuse you of being unAmerican.

I'm unAmerican?

You said, I woman should surrender to the man she loves

anyplace, any time and in any way and never have a headache,

and that is unAmerican.

At least, that's what they're saying.

I just bet they will and it's not because I was a hooker either or a madam.

It's because I've spoken up against repression and ignorance and let a little fresh air into people's lives.

You know, not all of the letters I get are the clever ones I print in the magazine.

Listen to these.

Dear Xaviera, my father tells me if I masturbate, I'll go blind.

But I can't help myself.

I don't want to go blind, what'll I do?

Oh, Xaviera, maybe hair'll grow on the palm of your hand,

but not blind.

They don't believe that do they?

Don't they?

♪♪

I don't believe it.

It's the 20th century.
They've invented the vibrator,
the pill and a $29 doll that you fill with warm water and when you squeeze it, it goes, more, more.

That sort of thing just doesn't happen anymore.

Damn it, Ward, it does!

Xaviera, do you think these Senate hearings are a violation of your constitutional right to privacy?

And can you comment on the future of sex in America?

No comment, gentlemen.

Miss Hollander has nothing to say at this time.

Is it thorough that you and the Russian premier are intimate friends?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

Watch it.

You know, as chairmen of this thing, it has grabbed a lot of headlines,
we also know you're running for reelection this November.

We also realize that all of the witnesses that you've subpoenaed are only appetizers and that the main course is the Hollander woman.

I don't have to listen to that crap!

The hell you don't.

I know you want to hang that woman.

All right.

Just make sure the Democrats are not the only ones against the original sin.

In Miss Hollander's case I'm sure it's actual sin.

There's nothing original about it.

Is it true she works for the mob?

No, I think she's an independent contractor.

Okay.

I thought we agreed to start with the television business?

Our staff report shows she's been a consultant to a big New York ad agency.

All right, let's get to work!

Okay.

I'll have the elevator going in just a minute.

Shhh!

Let it right baby!

Please, this isn't the office!

You're riding with several United States Senators.

Well, I'm sorry, Marty.

Senator!

How many times do I have to remind you?

It's all right, Martin, my secretary always calls me by my first name.

Of course, she's 63 and she can type.

Well, I can type.

How many fingers?

2, 3, or 4?

Well, as many as I need, isn't that right, Marty?

♪ Well,that ain't right, baby, now that ain't right. ♪

Whew!

♪ Now that ain't right, baby, now that ain't right! ♪

Oh, boy, I got my hands full, I don't mind telling you.

I don't know what's getting into the television

industry those days?

You know, I started out as a television censor back

in the early '50s.

They were good old days.

We had good programming then.

"Our Miss Brooks" "The Ed Sullivan Show" "Uncle Milty"

"I Love Lucy".

"My Little Margie".

"Lassie".

"Amos And Andy".

"Leave It To Beaver".

[Laughter]

But these days, the life of a television censor is

one living heck, I don't know what's getting into them!

I don't know what they're doing!

Each one trying to outdo the other.

Prostitution, abortion, homosexuality.

And that's only in the commercials.

Oh, I can't stand it!

[Crying]

Could we have a moment, Senators?

My client seems to be a little overcome.

It's all right.

It's all right.

[Crying]

-It's all right, proceed.
-No, no, no.

Get control.

It's all right.

I can continue.

In the last week alone, the words I would have to cut out,

even in the kiddie shows.

For instance?

Well, Senator, they're not the sort of words I can use in

front of live television cameras.

However, I had the foresight to prepare a list of a few of

the kinds of words I've had to deal with.

Excellent foresight, Mr. Bowdler.

I want you to know that America is proud of a man like you.

Mr. Bowdler, I want to commend you.

You have acted in the highest tradition of American censorship

thank you, thank you, thank you, Senator Rawlings.

But in my business, you have to keep a sharp eye peeled.

It's amazing what some of these cock suckers will try

to get away with.

[Laughter]

Oh, excuse me, is that one word or two?

[Laughter]

Is what one word or two?

Cock suckers.

It's amazing what some of the cock suckers

will try to get away with.

Is cock suckers one word or two?

One!

Two!

[Laughter]

I think you should hyphenate it, Miss Goodbody.

[Laughter]

Well, I beg your pardon, I'm not that sort of girl.

[Laughter]

The witnesses excused.

Miss Xaviera Hollander, please.

Isn't she adorable.

This is --

Ah.

Miss Hollander, hi.

Hi.

Do you promise to tell the complete as you so know it to

be before this committee of the United States Senate,

so help you God?

I do.

Wonderful.

Your name is Xaviera Hollander?

That's correct.

Will you state for the committee your business?

Pleasure.

Miss Hollander, on the morning of April 2nd of last year, one

Captain Louis Danders of the New York City vice squad was seen entering your apartment at 10 East 58th Street.

It was 10:18 and he was seen leaving at 12:10.

Now Miss Hollander, could you please tell this committee just what happened between you and Captain Danvers in that two-hour period in your apartment?

At 10:23 to be exact, he was on his hands and knees in the living room struggling with his nuts.

Oh, Captain, we've had a problem with it ever since the giant martini party.

It keeps coughing up olives.

And what else was going on there at the time?

Well, nothing really.

We were having a little ice cream social.

We definitely need more voltage.

We're blowing a lot of fuses around here.

Then at 11:30 he was out in the living room, rubbing my knocker.

Put a high gloss on it, Captain.

You know I don't like anything around me being dull.

You know how you can shine it up.

Captain, you've been so helpful, thank you so much.

Every little bolt.

Do you like my apartment, isn't it wonderful?

You like it, too?

It's home.

Finally at 12:10, I handed the poor exhausted man, $600 and he left.

You take care now, stay warm.

Uh-huh.

Then you admit to giving him a pay off.

You admit to bribing a captain in the New York City police department.

What pay off?

I gave him the rent.

He owns the building.

Captain Louis Danvers is my landlord.

Landlord?

Uh-huh.

Senator, if I may approach, I believe this affidavit will explain everything.

Good.

Ahem.

Leaking pipes.

Sockets?

Well, let's get on to the next point.

Miss Hollander, on the afternoon of April 10th of last year,

you were entering the offices of Burton, Bailey, Dunbar and Owens,
an advertising agency at 375 Madison Avenue.

In New York City.

Could you please state for the committee,

the exact nature of your visit?

Of course.

I am a paid consultant for the agency.

[Laughter]

Go on, Miss Hollander.

On that particular day I was in Mr. Burton's office and as I recall Mr. Bailey was there and
so was Mr. Dunbar several vice-presidents and several account executives of the firm.

Thank you so much.

We're in the business of selling products, Miss Hollander,

and you sell a product that we use to sell our products.

Now which of our commercials do you think that your particular --

Expertise would lend itself to?

Well, gentlemen, I prepared some sample spots.

First the toilet paper commercial with the adorable Mr. Zipple.

Okay, Max, roll it.

Um.

Oh, Boobies, you are so squeezably soft.

I just love to squeeze it.

Oh.

Please don't squeeze the Boobies.

Wonderful, fantastic.

Xaviera, you've got your fingers on the pulse of America.

Now, let take a look at Ruthie's Diner.

Ruthie, here comes that sweet honeymoon couple again.

Aren't they cute?

Cute my ass.

You ought to see the spills those two make.

Hey Ruthie, wait until you so what we learned last night.

Oh, what a mess.

Goodness, Ruthie, how are you going to clean all of this up?

Mountie is the quicker sucker upper.

Give us another!

Give us another!

Oh, for heaven's sake, relax.

Next is my favorite, it's Marvin, the cat.

Okay Max.

Marvin, I've got something you like.

Not me, I'm too finicky.

Marvin, it's something really special.

Oh, won't she ever learn.

Marvin, it's nine wives.

Nine wives.

God bless you, Miss Hollander.

You saved us from a recession.

You saved the free-enterprise system.

Very pretty story, Miss Hollander.

I'm afraid it won't wash.

Our investigator have established that your activities went far beyond that.

That your evil pernicious influence extended itself in to the most sacred of the American institutions.

Professional sports.

[Laughter]

Please, please, can we have a little dignity here?

What?

I object.

Could we have a specific reference, Senator, to that?

On September 20th of this year, you were seen in the West Side Tennis Club and I submit to you, Miss Hollander,

you went straight into the men's locker room.

No, I didn't.

You don't mean to say you went in to the ladies locker room?

Miss Hollander, you can't deny your assistants was trying to get one of your prostitutes on the pro tennis tour.

The other women won't let me play in the tournament.

Natalie, maybe you are trying too hard.

What do you mean?

Try using feminine strategy, do it the easy way,

[bleep] the coach.

♪♪

Remember, hard to get.

Well, if it isn't the leading likes of the women's tennis tournament.

Mind if I join you ladies?

She's quite a gal.

She's no gal.

She's a hooker.

She couldn't get a man in the sack with a bazooka.

Hey, you're kind of cute.

Can I buy you a drink?

Blow it out your ass, buddy.

♪♪

Why don't we go up to my place and get high?

What kind of girl do you think I am anyway!

A-choo!

Salud.

You Frenchman.

You are kind of weak on your forehand why don't we go out on the court and give you some pointers.

Mind if I lead the way?

Don't mind if you do.

Now so this can be fun.

Yeah.

Now, listen, sweetheart, this is getting in the way.

We really don't need that.

Just set it aside.

Now here's the way it goes.

All you have to do is adjust your grip.

Don't you think we need a ball here?

No balls will just get in the way.

Just adjust your grip.

I can't stand it.

Kiss me.

Ah.

She went to to lead the Davis women's team to victory later that year.

I now before the little hand is on 12, and the big hand is moving right up behind it,
so I now declare this session of recess for lunch.

We'll reconvene at 2 o'clock.

Xaviera.

Xaviera.

Hey, Xaviera, how is it going in there?

So far so good.

The main thrust of your testimony seems to be that sex is good and positive thing in America?

Oh, it's the very best you ought to try.

Would you say that it enhances America's values?

Gentlemen, I am the attorney of record here and I want you to know that my client will not be answering any questions about her testimony until after the hearings.

I'm really concerned about Linda.

I'm worried.

We have to do something to help her.

We have enough to do to worry about you.

I'm serious, Ward.

I can tell you a lot about girls like Linda because I am one of them.

We have to lookout for each other because no one else will.

There is a lot of high-powered sharks just waiting to swallow up a little fish like Linda and nobody will even notice.

Just a hooker.

Just a hooker is still a human being and she matters and I'm not going to forget it.

You're right.

I'll do everything I can.

I am not just a lawyer.

You know, I care about people.

I raised, personally, $50,000 for the unwed mothers in South Hampton.

We had a charity polo.

I'll help.

I know you care.

Let's get out of here and let's just forget about all of this just for a little while.

Let me show you that there is still more to Washington than those imbeciles in the committee who've managed to soil and corrupt the ideals upon which this nation --

Let's go for this walk.

-- men like George Washington who led people through Valley Forge --

It's going to be dark and we'll be mugged.

Let's go for that walk!

I'm a black belt karate man.

That reminds me of the canals in Holland.

When I was a little girl sailing and skating,

probably can't picture me as a little girl, can you, Ward?

I can picture you.

I wished I'd known you then?

Really, why?

I shouldn't known you when you could still fall in love.

Well, we'd better get back to the hearing, it's almost 2 o'clock.

it's almost 2 o'clock.

Don't make wee-wee on the flowers.

Order.

Miss Hollander, you may be amusing the press in the gallery with the clever fairytales.

Fairytales?

But our committee of investigator have turned up an even more shocking evidence regarding the spread of your pernicious influence.

That's one of the few things I've never spread.

What's that, huh?

Order.

Miss Hollander,
what were you doing in the National's Motor Plant in Pontiac, Michigan on July 1st of this year?

I was hoping you would ask me that, Mr. Petersdorf.

Ooh, it only does that on wood.

On cement, it's fantastic.

Even in pouring rain it hugs the road like a 18- Wheeler.

It goes from 0 to 90 miles per hour in only matter of 9.8 seconds.

Donald, darling, did you fly us all the way out here to sell me a car?

Sorry, Xaviera, in order to stay in business,
we must get the kids of America out of their bedrooms and into the back seats again.

Now, the new Ramrod is a youth orientated car.

It's small, economical, safe and most important of all,

Notice, notice, the rear seats, how they tilt back at a 38 linear degrees which according to Master and Johnson is perfect for what we have in mind.

Oh, it's passed all of the tests except one, the big one.

The double dating test.

Can it be done in the front seat?

Look we have a full-scale model.

Well, why don't you bring it in Donald.

Of course, I was just going to do that.

Here comes the beauty now.

Of course, we want to test it in all three positions.

Donald, there are 112 positions, which of the three?

Man on top, man on bottom, and man on behind.

Man on bottom is that anything like woman on top?

Okay, gentlemen, whom will it be?

Well, the testing by Mr.Peters, and Mr. Samuels here,

I wouldn't want to get involved.

We are going after all three positions.

Girls.

Thanks.

Okay, Sheila, give them number 27.

That's great, Sheila.

Now more on the hip.

Yeah, let me have more torque on the hips.

More stick gearshift.

That's it.

Closer.

Come on, Peters, this is a sports car.

Now watch those curves.

Watch the elbows.

Come on.

All right.

Line her up.

Line her up.

Okay.

Easy does it.

And reenforce the side panels.

That's it.

Ah!

Naughty, naughty.

Whew.

Where did everybody go?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is another example of the sexual depravity that is undermining American life.

Balderdash.

Miss Hollander, you are in contempt.

What did I do?

I object.

On what grounds are you holding my client?

Grounds?

Grounds?

This woman is a Jezebel and a harlot and a pernicious influence on everything sacred in American life.

I object!

This is a mockery of justice.

That's right a mockery of justice.

Did the court reporter get that mockery of justice.

Mockery of justice in a Democratic society.

I want you to hear that in court.

I voiced that as well as I could possibly voice it for my client and I think the record will show that, thank you very much.

This hearing is adjourned until 10 o'clock in the morning at which time we'll institute contempt proceedings.

Bailiff, remove this woman from the court.

Stop it!

You're hurting me.

Put me down, please.

Miss Hollander.

What is all of this about?

You'll find out pretty soon.

Will you be good enough to come with me?

Yankee doodle, yankee doodle.

Shh.

This is a high security area of the CIA.

Everything that you say is being taped and used against your grandchildren.

Thank you.

This is a recording.

Welcome to my playroom.

Ah.

The aqua blow gun.

that can take the eye out of a socialist at 200 yards.

Come in, my dear, come in.

Oh, would you, would you like some candy, little girl?

Didn't your momma tell you not to take candy from strangers?

Fun, fun, fun!

Ahem.

This is the kp93.

It looks like a wallet, but actually it is very handy for carrying small credit cards.

All right, all right, I'm convinced!

So were a group of terrorists in Beirut.

Now I want you to see right over here.

No, stop it, you're destroying this place.

You mean museum.

They will not allow us to use this hardware any longer.

We have to use different and subtle techniques to protect our way of life.

This was my favorite.

Uh-huh.

The over night bag for a weekend in the country, any country.

Now, you take this bag into the bathroom and a little tooth paste.

Now a little here it is, dental floss for the places that are hard to brush.

Hum, and now come with me.

Come on, dear, we'll attach this right over here to this on get them up on time alarm clock and time delay and we have no time to delay.

So what does this have to do with me?

If you want me to kill someone you can forget it right now.

You might have got the impression from the Senators that I am just a hooker with no moral scruples whatever.

Relax, baby, it's like I said this is a new era and for the time being a new CIA.

Violence is out.

Now what we want from you is shall we say undercover diplomacy.

What do you want me to do?

You will be briefed.

By whom, the president?

You realize of course, the president will and I will deny knowledge of this mission.

I understand.

Your absence from Washington will be unexplained.

I understand.

Miss Hollander, Miss Hollander, yes?

On behalf of the United States of America.

Yes, I understand.

Whew.

The Middle East men are meeting this weekend in Miami beach to confer starting a war that would be disastrous for the economy in the free world.

This most militant of Arab leaders is Sheik Ollie.

Sheik Ollie is the most eccentric known billionaire in the Middle East.

He's also the absolute ruler of 28 million subjects whose average per capita income $49.11 a year before taxes.

And his people hate him and where ever there is that kind of natural unrest,
there is always the danger of Communist revolution.

There's nothing we can do about that right now.

We can't send in the marines.

We can't have him assassinate and we can't have his telephone service screwed up by ITT.

But what we can do is try to keep him away from that meeting and there's only one way to do that?

The president has been adamantly following the Senate sex hearings.

And for reasons that I'm sure you understand, clinical reasons,

he can't get involved overtly at this point, but I can tell you that he has been very impressed with your testimony

and the president is convinced that you are the only person that can save America.

Remember Sheik Ollie must miss this meeting.

So what is all of this about?

You are giving my people in the desert hope oh,

mighty Sheik Ollie.

Shake, shake.

No, no, I mean it is pronounced Sheik Ollie.

Sheik Ollie.

Aren't you hot with all of these clothes on?

No, no, as a matter of fact I'm used to it. The people in my country use it to protect them from the sun.

Oh, you have the hands of a passionate man.

Well, thanks very much.

Why don't you come with me.

Come with you?

Yes.

Come on.

Okay.

I would like a very fatty pastrami sandwich with tongue,

coleslaw, turkey, roast beef and chopped liver and a slice of raw onion on black pumper neckle bread, please.

Give me a number one, hold the mayo.

The -- is embedded in the fight.

Maybe they are the chosen people.

Go on, my child.

So after the Israeli soldiers took my village in the Sinai and they captured me and put in a commando base as a plaything for their officers.

Every night I was forced to perform unspeakable acts with uncircumicized dogs!

Able to embed it in deep, they're cleaner,

I know I've got --

You got another cream soda?

Oh, it was horrible, horrible, oh, mighty Sheik.

Not as horrible as it would be if I would have you and didn't have to go to this meeting.

What time is your meeting?

High noon.

Well, that's certainly enough time for a big old sheik like you.

Big old sheik is half of it, baby.

I split you in to.

Ooh.

The girls call me Sheik of Steel.

Sheik of Steel?

You mean you have a harem with you?

Yes, in fact they have a suite upstairs next to mine.

They say that my mighty member is like an oil deck.

Producing 100 barrels a day.

100 barrels a day.

Is that crude or refined?

Whew.

I would just love to try some of that.

Could we go to your room?

I'm sorry, I've got a meeting.

We've got plenty of time.

It is only 10:15.

I have got to finish my sandwich and change the hump on my camel.

What would my wife say?

She would be jealous.

Oh, you do need help don't you darling.

What help?

What help?

I am the Sheik of Steel.

It's not much of a gusher, is it?

It's a mirage.

It doesn't have to be that way.

You can help?

Uh-huh.

Oh, if I only had the time.

And you have the time.

Jump.

Oh, good jump.

Good jump.

Hi, room service, I hate to be such a bother.

I would like to order 12 dozen oysters and a pair of rubber gloves and a bicycle pump and a shoe lace with 12 small knots in it and melted butter.

Have you got all of those things?

This is Miami Beach, darling.

You have all of those things?

This is Miami Beach, darling, you got the bread,

we got the butter.

Splendid, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

You came and don't go away.

I want you to help me.

Take this.

♪♪

La, la, la.

Ah.

♪♪

Are you ready in, are you ready you little doll?

♪♪

Oh, no.

♪♪

Ooh, ooh.

Move over.

Oh, Ollie, I'm afraid you missed your meeting.

Meeting, meeting?

Why do I care a meeting.

You made the pussycat of the oasis the lion of the desert again.

What can I do to show my appreciation?

I know.

I will give I will buy a cure for trigonous.

I'll give freedom to my people.

Oh, Ollie, you are the greatest.

I will distribute my wealth in my country amongst my people.

No, there is enough wealth in my country.

A filafil in every pot.

Two camels in every garage I'll curve inflation and of course,

Xaviera, there will be a king's ransom in for you.

But, of course, you wont take any money for what you did.

Ollie, I have a confession to make.

Hum?

I'm a hooker.

A what?

I'm a hooker and I was sent here by the president of the United States to seduce you.

And keep you out of the that meeting.

Oh, praise him, a wonderful fellow.

Oh, I anyhow you understand.

Does your country appreciate what you've done for it?

And come away and marry me and be my head wife,

no, be my only wife, I'll fire them.

No, Ollie, I never was a one man woman and besides I'd hate to put all of those girls out of work.

They must be a wonderful bunch.

Oh, they are, would you like to meet them?

Oh, I would love it.

♪♪

What do you have?

Double martini.

No, make it a triple martini.

Feeling bad, huh?

Pits.

My life is over.

Your life is over.

It's my life and it's over.

Pour yourself one.

I can't drink on the job.

What can you do?

Just listen.

Okay, there was this girl.

Just a second, pal.

Damn, all of the gin joints and all of the towns in this world and you have to walk into mine.

That's terrific.

Okay, go ahead.

I only met her a couple of days ago, and I knew from the first moment I saw --

Drink.

Okay, thanks.

Now you see what my problem is.

How about next Tuesday, say 10 o'clock we can talk some more?

Okay, what do I owe you in?

For the drink or the shrink?

Both.

$77.95.

Can I give you a check?

I would prefer cash.

Uncle Sam?

No, Uncle Irving, he owns the joint.

♪ Oh, oh, oh.

Xaviera, I am so glad to see you.

Linda.

You know this woman?

Know her, we were in the Camp Fire girls together.

How did she get here?

She was sent to me by my good friend Senator Rawlings.

Senator Rawlings?

You know him?

He's a great guy.

He and I go way back in the business of white slave trading.

He's the dirtiest, the filthiest, the raunchiest most perverted man I ever met but a prince of a fellow.

Do you mean he's on your payroll.

Certainly.

They give me certain votes on legislation and I give them certain favors.

Perhaps there is something you can do for me after all, Ollie.

Anything, Xaviera!

It shall be as you wish, my desert flower.

Oh, shake, no, I mean shake.

I will drive you to the airport come on,

I will take my butler's car.

Mr. Thompson, Mr. Thompson, can you tell us what is going on?

Is this part of your strategy.

I don't use strategy.

I use truth.

Truth is just as Earl Warren said as I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard.

He said truth, the truth is the best defense.

Can you count on Senator Rawlings,

a statement for your client?

Senator Rawlings' statement,
you should say that his mouth should be washed out with soap and water. You should say that I said that.

You can quote me on that.

I mean, when a U.S. Senator can hurt hurt a young lady like Miss Hollander,

I mean, just completely take her name and put it in the dirt with impunity, I mean --

Can you tell us where Miss Hollander is?

Let me finish my question first of all.
It seems to me that that this country should be given back to the Indians.

Miss Hollander, I don't know where she is.

-Will your client be at the hearing tomorrow morning?
-Yes, my client will be at that hearing.

I will be at that hearing and the future of America

will be at that hearing.

And you also say that the conscience of America will be at that hearing tomorrow morning.

-You think you won the case?
-I think that I will win in November, I can say that.

Are you romantically involved with Xaviera, Mr. Thompson?

[Talking over one another]

We spoke with Ward Thompson, her attorney who told us

that it seems as if Xaviera --

Xaviera, that is really you?

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I just stepped out for a sheik.

I'm sorry, Ward, I wouldn't have disappeared if I had any choice.

I just -- it wasn't my decision.

Right, right, right.

It wasn't your decision, it was, now don't help me.

I bet it was those idiots in the committee.

They kidnapped you and held you hostage and kept away from

the hearing to throw the book at you.

They are not getting away with it.

Tomorrow, we are going into the session and I am going to fight them.

Them, I don't care if it cost me every penny of your entire legal fee.

I am upset.

And frankly I'm perturbed.

You really mean that, don't you Ward?

Well, you bet I do.

Thank you.

It wasn't the committee?

Who was it then?

I can't tell you yet.

Xaviera, I am your lawyer.

Now tomorrow, we are going into that hearing and I feel that you better tell me what's going.

You are going to be there huh?

I'm going to be there.

You've got to trust me a little bit longer.

Don't worry, Ward, I think I found a way out of this whole mess.

Xaviera, look, I have got to have something to work with.

I am an attorney.

I can't work in the dark.

Sure you can.

You can try.

Just a moment, Senator, I have a little more testimony to give.

Okay, girls.

I move that this woman be cited immediately for contempt of Congress.

No, for treason.

Hold on, Senator Krause.

Do you recognize this girl?

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

Ah.

Come in, come in.

Come in, come in.

Not the Jewish princess, You're the wrong woman.

Don't you worry none, honey, I have enough imagination for both of us.

Now give me that whip.

Don't give me no sugar, creep.

Take down your pants.

And prepare your Finnish behind for a whipping.

What can I do to make you happy, my princess?

Um, maybe you can open an unlimited charge account

for me at Saks?

You got it.

Goodman?

Everything, everything!

Lord & Taylor?

You got it, you got it, you got it!
[Slapping sounds]

I love you, I love you more!

No!

Please, princess.

What do you know of love?

My alias told me you wanted a mother.

I'm not your mother, David.

Fritz.

My name is Fritz call me anything.

Ah, I love you more.

Ah, you son of a bitch.

More, more, more, more, more.

You self- centered totally worthless putz.

I love you, I deserve it.

I deserve?

Bark.

[Barking]

Keep barking.

And you Senator Sturges.

Huh?

Do you remember your little fantasy?

Oh, no, no, no!

Good evening, Senator Sturges.

Hello,Cindy.

What is in the box?

No questions.

You go ahead to my house and wait for me.

You go ahead to my house and wait for me.

Where's the American icbn missile?

Well, I'd never tell.

I fear you will.

Superman, thank God it's you!

You really for the beating of your life, Juan?

I'm ready.

Try this around for size, you cheap bully.

God bless you, Superman, honey.

No, God bless you, Cindy, for keeping America strong and fro.

Your legs were open but your mouth was closed.

Well, I declare, how can I ever repay you?

Come on, let me try.

I can't.

I'm in love with Lois Lane.

Superman, this is sex, and that doesn't have a thing to do with love.

Just don't be faster than a speeding bullet.

Oooh.

And Senator Caruso.

Oh, you can't mean?

Oh, no.

Hey, mamma, what is for dinner?

Oh, sole mio.

I love opera.

I am a Caruso.

Enrico?

No, Senator.

He's dead but I'm alive and I am hungry.

[Speaking foreign language]

Rigatoni?

No.

[Speaking foreign language]

No!

What?

Momma gonna take care of you.

Um.

Marty, Marty, please!

Call off the hearing!

Call them off!

[Gavel banging]

Senator Rawlings.

You've got nothing on me.

I had no sex last night.

I was at home with my wife.

Do you recognize
this girl, Linda?

No.

Oh, no?

Maybe this might help you remember.