All language subtitles for Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number - 1966

NARRATOR: "'The time has come,'
the Walrus said

"'For I know I've had enough of cabbages,
kings and sealing wax

"'And all that silly stuff

"'I want to talk of Hollywood
and the excitement that it brings

"'With its gorgeous girls in sunken baths
and those other crazy things"'

Temperature okay. Bring on the body.

(EXCLAIMS)

I break my head to learn English,
and for what?

To take a bath?

No, no, no and no!

I know, Miss Didi, but we...

No more Miss Didi's bath!
Or anything else!

Is that clear?

It's impossible. Impossible baths.

No more bubble baths anywhere!

DIDl: N0!

- No more bubble baths.
- What's the matter now?

She won't get in the tub.

Nothing to get excited about.
The usual daily tantrum.

- What's wrong, my little chou-chou?
- You liar and cheat!

Oh, what troubles my little pussy cat?
Tell your Pepe, will you?

"Tell your Pepe! Tell your Pepe!"

You promised
that when we came to Hollywood,

that I could be a big dramatic star
and no more bubble baths.

But, my little rabbit,
you know the big scenes will come later.

- You know Pepe never lies.
- Pepe never lies?

For five years you promise to marry me.
For five years!

Oh, it's that again now, huh?
Aren't we happy as we are?

No.

Why do you want to destroy your success?

Marriage will ruin you.
Who knows that better than I do?

What happens
when a star marries her director?

Exactly what happened to all my wives.
Instantly, they get fat.

Didi does not get fat,
and Didi does not take a bubble bath!

Oh, come, come now.
Let's discuss this calmly, huh?

Do you really think Pepe likes this?

How do you think I feel when everyone
sees your beautiful body in the bath?

It tears my heart out.

(EXCLAIMING)

You know Pepe thinks only of you.

Then why did you put the bath
back in the picture?

Why? The producer says you take a bath,
that's why.

Sol stand up to him, and I tell him,
"My Didi will take no more baths."

So the producer says,
"No bath, no picture."

Then I hollered at him, "Okay, no picture!"

The producer hollers, then I holler again,
but it's no use. He hollers louder.

But I made an agreement.

You take the bath.

You made an agreement, huh?

Then you take the bath!

Who discovered you, huh?

- Who made you the Divine Didi?
-|.

I made myself the Divine Didi.

- Oh, you did?
- Yes. Maybe you helped a little bit.

What were you
when I picked you up in Marseille?

A dirty little beggar chasing Gls
in the street for cigarettes.

Oh. Misérable you.

You know that I am of royal blood.

Everybody knows
that Didi comes from a noble line!

You came from a noble line, all right,

a noble line
a sailor gave your foolish mother.

(GASPS)

You'd still be a dirty little beggar
if I didn't give you your first bath.

And you are going to take this bath
right now.

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

I'll teach you.

Now we'll start.

Now, actor, you...

I want you to go into the bathroom
and act surprised.

You see this strange,
beautiful girl in the tub,

but you do not recognize her.

- You understand?
- Mr. Pepponi...

- Leave me alone. You do not know her...
- But she's getting out of the tub.

Didi!

Didi, you come back here.

WQW!

Didi!

PEPE: Didi!

Didi!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Didi!

She'll come back,

and when she does
I'm going to drown her.

Folks, this is Mr. Titus Zeale
of Abbott's Butte, Oregon.

Now, Mr. Zeale,
you say the Divine Didi stopped here?

She sure did and I ain't forgetting it.

- You're quite sure now?
- Oh, it was her all right.

She had a pizza and a Coke,

and then got mad
'cause I didn't have no champagne.

Thank you.

Well, I guess it's pretty obvious

that the Divine One
is hiding out someplace here in Oregon.

When she lets me know where she is,
I'll let you know.

Yoo-hoo, Martha, lover boy is here.
That should start an avalanche.

(LILY LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

They just had a commercial
for a waist-pincher that's guaranteed

to make your body 36-26-36
or double your money back.

Boy, am I gonna be rich!

Well, forget it.
That offer's open to girls only.

Where's my wife?

Down at the beauty parlor,
doing what comes unnaturally.

At this hour? The beauty parlor?
That's just what I need.

No, that's just what I need.
I've been banned for life.

Do you realize
you're looking at a three-time loser?

- Drowning your troubles?
- No, teaching them to swim.

All right, what'd you do?

Blow another deal
on that Lake Nothing property?

It's still gonna sell,
and it's still gonna be a summer resort

that's gonna make me rich.

Some resort. One house.

Even the ducks won't go up there
for the summer.

Can I help it if everybody built
at the other end of the lake?

Besides, that's a selling point.
Some people prefer seclusion.

That's not seclusion. That's banishment.

Why don't I fire you?

I know, my psychiatrist explained it.
I dig pain.

I'll tell you why, guilt.

You let me sink my life savings
into that no-takers-acres up there.

$500, that wouldn't build a path
to the telephone booth.

Don't worry,
you'll get your money out of it.

Why? Has the President declared it
a disaster area?

Come to think of it,
why did I hire you in the first place?

Why didn't I just slash my wrists?

- When do we eat? I'm starved.
- When your wife gets home.

I gotta have a little hors d'oeuvre,
I'll tell you that.

I'm really hungry.

Hey, you forgot the ice cubes.

What're they doing to my wife
that takes so long? Teasing her follicles?

I don't know. Beauty parlors...

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
I do my own.

So that's why
we couldn't find the egg-beater.

I better call her.

Tell her if that chicken dries out any more,
it'll be a fire hazard.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Larry.

(GROANING)

Oh, hang on a minute, honey.

Hotel Albion. Beauty parlor? Yes, siree.

(RINGING)

Hard Knocks Beauty Salon.

- Mrs. Meade, please. This is Mr. Meade.
- HAIRDRESSER: Just a moment please.

Your husband is on the phone,
Mrs. Meade.

Oh, dear, it's so late.

Well, you would mix wine and beer.

Well, I'll say one thing for you, though...
Oh, honey, hold on.

Hotel Albion. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, dear.

(GROANING)

- HeHo?
- HeHo?

VOICE ON SWITCHBOARD:
Hello? Operator? Hello? Operator?

I've been disconnected.

You got misconnected?
You ought to see me.

Hold on, everybody. Now, let's see.

You with the janitor,
and you with the kitchen,

and you had somebody upstairs, and you...

Well, you are just gonna
have to take your chances.

(RINGING)

We better hurry.

Hello?

- HeHo?
- HeHo,honey

Honey? Do I know you?

What? Okay, so you don't know me,

but I'm secret agent 007 and three-eighths
who tracked you down,

so get your lovely little chassis back home
here fast, or I'll paint you gold.

- TOM: Now, cut the phony routine.
- But I do not understand.

Oh, come on, drop it.
You always were a lousy actress.

Oh. Lousy actress, huh?

Well, I'll tell you,
there's only one man in this world

who would dare to call Didi
a lousy actress, and that is Pepe!

- DIDI: So, you give a message to your Pepe!
- Pepe?

You tell him that Didi
will never come back to Hollywood, never!

And the next time Didi hides,
he won't find her!

- Not with 1,000 bloodhounds.
- Hey, wait a minute. I...

I got a hunch that
I'm not talking to the beauty parlor.

Beauty parlor? But of course
this is not the beauty parlor, stupid.

This is... Wait a minute. This is Suite C.

Didi?

No, no, no, monsieur.
C.C. I mean, Suite C. Suite C.

You're her. You're that dame.

The biggest thing in bathtubs since rings.
Hey, it says you're kidnapped.

No, monsieur, no, not really. You see,
please, monsieur, take pity on me, please.

You see, I ran away from Hollywood
because they tried to make me do things

in my new movie,
things that are just terrible.

More than in your last picture?
Oh, those beasts. When's it opening?

(EXCLAIMS)

You mean you have seen my pictures?

Well, I've never missed a one.
I love educational movies.

Oh...

Oh, then you... You're my friend.

Well, yeah, I...

I mean... What do you mean?

But, monsieur, I need you.
You must help me.

You see,
I'm all alone here in a strange place

with no one to talk to, no one to turn to.

Just you. Just you.

Will you bring me some food?

Well, yes. Bring it to your hotel room?

Well, I don't know, I...

Oh, monsieur,
it is like when I was a little girl

after the war, in the streets,

begging for food.

And my poor little body was wasting away

-from such little food to eat.
- Well, it sure went to the right places.

Never again did I think
I would be so hungry, so hungry.

- But of course, if you don't help me, then...
- How do you like it, on white or rye?

Oh, so you will help me.

Oh, it's so good
to have a friend in this world.

What is your name, monsieur?

Oh, it's Meade, Tom Meade.

I'm in the phone book, in the yellow pages,
under chicken.

Wait a minute. Don't... Don't you call me.

But of course not, Monsieur Tom Meade.
I understand.

But you will come
to my hotel room tonight, won't you?

Well, l...

Honey, I'd just be taking her
a little lousy nourishment.

Look, I don't know if I can swing it...

Please say yes, Monsieur Tom Meade,
please. It's chilly and I'm all naked.

Well, what do you know?
Somebody's been spiking his wheat germ.

TOM: Well, look...

You gotta realize my wife expects
a certain amount of my time, too.

But of course I understand.
But what about me?

- All right, on second thought...
- MARTHA: Tom. Darling.

On third thought, goodbye, Sam.

Honestly, I got home as quickly as I could.

- And I love you.
- Your second drink?

I mean, I love your hair,
whatever they did with it.

- They washed it. It's not your third.
- Have a bite.

- You do look a little flushed.
- Well, that's oven burn.

I've been going steady
with a charred chicken.

Poor darling. We'll eat in two shakes,

and I'm sorry
I kept my baby waiting so long.

Hi, everybody.

Gee, Mom, you look real groovy.
Gee, Dad, you look real beat.

There it is.

- Wow, is she ever copious.
- TOM: Watch your language.

They're not real, they can't be.

Uh-uh. That's enough of that.
Go do your homework.

MARTHA: What is it?

- Imagine that, in a family newspaper.
- Do you think she's dead?

No. Go call your brother for dinner.

Hmm!

That one they'll find in a hotel
with somebody,

somebody's husband.

(CHOKES)

- I think I inhaled an olive.
- Come on, let's not keep Lily waiting.

You see, she thinks my head is nothing
but a crystal ball.

Sorry, you'll have to get on
somebody else's chow line.

What do you want for dessert, tiger?
The breakfast of champions?

LARRY: Boy, everybody goes to see
Didi movies. Why not me?

Because you're not old enough.

Well, I'm old enough. Why can't I go?

Because I'm not old enough to take you.
Let's end the discussion, please.

Really, Mother, you're so inhibited.

Do you want me to grow up thinking
there's something wrong with sex?

What?

Don't look at me.
I'm still shocked from copious.

It's just what you like, hot chicken.

But it's important for me
to see a Didi movie.

I gotta know what's going on in the world
for current events in school.

Who's your current events teacher?
Lady Chatterley?

Never mind Didi, stick to Bugs Bunny.

Onions in it. Put you right out of business.

DORIS: They said she was absolutely naked
when she ran out of the studio.

- Gee, imagine being a movie star.
- Doris!

I'm going to write to that newspaper.

Will everybody please change the subject?

I don't want to hear another word
about poor hungry Didi.

Poor hungry Didi?

- Why'd you call her poor and hungry?
- I did?

You probably misunderstood me.
What I said was, "Poor hungry Daddy."

Well, I'd still like to know one thing.

When will I be old enough
to wear nothing like that?

Nevefl

Monsieur Tom Meade?

Please, Monsieur Tom Meade.

Do not forget me. lam so hungry.

(SHUSHING)

Please, Monsieur, please.

I am so hungry.

Please, Monsieur Tom Meade,
do not forget me, please.

Please, Monsieur, please.

(TOM couemue)

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine. Fine.

- MARTHA: Well, drink some water.
- Fine.

- Finished?
- Don't touch that tomato.

Gee, usually by this time of the meal

I can come in here
without a whip and a chair.

- What's the matter with you?
- Who, me? Well, I'm...

- MARTHA: You're not eating.
- Oh, I'm resting.

Is there something wrong
with the chicken?

The chicken's just roasted. He's stewed.

This whole room's going around.

I think on the next turn I'll get off
and go lie down.

- I hope he hasn't been working too hard.
- He's been doing something too hard.

(GROOVE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Murder me with kisses

Murder me now

Kill me with love

Kill me, baby

Mutilate my senses, baby

Mutilate me

Bind me like a duck

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Tear my heart to pieces

Rip me, baby

Let my pulse run wild

Make my pulse...

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?

Oh, shut up. Who asked you anyway?

(WHISPERS) Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, imagine finding me in the kitchen.
What's Big Daddy's excuse?

Excuse for what?

It happens to be my refrigerator,
remember?

Why don't you go
haunt another part of the house?

Sort of a midnight picnic?

Yeah, I'm cheating on my diet,
and I'm just going out to eat it.

- Doesn't everybody?
- I just happen to have a yen.

Those still waters, do they run deep.

Hmm?

- Where's Mrs. Meade?
- Mrs. Meade?

She's your wife.

All right, Lily, you got me.

Martha doesn't want me
to meet the boys tonight.

So all that's for the boys, or is it the birds?

Just a bite while we play poker.
You won't tell Martha, will you?

Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

And good luck at the game, whatever it is.

- Au revoir... I mean, see you later.
- Ciao.

Who is?

It's me, the man with the wrong number.
It's okay.

Oh.

Well, it's not okay, but it's me.

- You are Monsieur Tom Meade?
- No names, please.

I brought the goodies.
Are you sure you need them?

Oh, I'm hungry.

I picked up a paper, too.

Your studio is sure
somebody's holding you.

Oh, that's wonderful. Apples...

- And bread and tomatoes and chicken.
- Yeah. I left out the gravy.

I didn't want to leave a trail
from my house to your room.

Oh, this is wonderful,
Monsieur Tom Meade.

Thank you very, very much. This is a feast.

Yeah, and ljust had the dessert.
Well, bon appetit.

Mmm.

This is delicious.

You know that I had nothing to eat
since yesterday but one glass of water.

Oh, you poor undernourished kid.

My ribs are showing. Feel them.

No, no, I'd have to have a note
from my doctor. I'll...

Oh, Didi likes you. You like Didi?

Maybe you'd like to see a picture
of my wife?

Oh, yes.

I'll go home and get it.

Oh, no, no, but you must eat with Didi.
It's no good to eat alone.

When you're here,
my appetite is much bigger.

That's getting to be my problem,
so I better run along.

But no, no, no, Monsieur Tom Meade.
I'm all alone here,

and I have nobody to talk to
and nobody to turn to.

And your eyes,
they're so full of warmth and kindness.

That's panic and terror.

Oh, come on, Monsieur Tom Meade,
we have a little party, huh?

A party? But who could we invite?

Well, nobody, just us. Come on.
Sit down. There, I feed you.

There.

You know, every time I start a picture,
I have a party with my leading man.

And Pepe hates my leading men.

You know, he always wants to kill them.

Kill them? Well, he must keep pretty busy.

Pepe is terrible. You know, he hounds me.

I ran away before but he always found me,
and he'll find me this time, too.

Yeah, well, that sounds like real true love,

the kind you can read
on any good coroner's report.

If only there was someplace
where I could hide.

You know, someplace
where nobody would recognize me.

Someplace all alone.

You mean something like
a two-bedroom-with-bath vacation villa,

not 35 minutes from the center of town,

very secluded,
ideal for a honeymoon couple,

no down payment,
you don't have to be a veteran.

You sound like advertising.

I've got just the spot for you.
Up there, you're as good as lost.

- In fact, I have a shirt up there somewhere.
- Where is this place?

Well, look,
you go right down the main road

until you come to a bridge, then,
across the bridge there's a turnoff,

and you'll see a sign
that says, "Crystal Lake."

You follow the Lake Shore...

Road up about five miles
until you come to a cabin on top of a bluff.

The key is under the first porch step,
and what a view!

All you can see for miles and miles
is miles and miles.

But what about the food,
Monsieur Tom Meade?

Oh, there's a deep freeze.
It just has everything.

It has orange juice, chickens, steaks,
a noisy motor.

Oh, I'm free. I'm free.

Monsieur Tom Meade, you freed the slave.

Yeah, well, I don't think
this is what Lincoln had in mind.

But, honey, everything will be all right.
You'll be safe up there,

and this way we can do something
for each other.

But of course, Monsieur Tom Meade.

Yeah, but, honey,
I don't think we're on the same beam.

I mean you're reading me,
but I'm not even sending.

If you want me up there all by myself
in the wilderness, okay.

- What if something goes wrong?
- Well, everything's practically new,

except the water pipes hum a little,
but they're on key.

- I don't think anything'll go wrong.
- But what if I meet some wild animals?

They'll just have to take their chances.

No, Monsieur Tom Meade,
what if something really should go wrong?

Well, you call me. Call me at Pomeroy...
You got a pen or a pencil?

Lipstick will do.

Well, call me at Pomeroy 41...
No, I better make it the office number.

After all, this is business.
Yeah, call me at Pomeroy 368.

Pomeroy 368.

Now, Monsieur Tom Meade,
what can Didi do for you?

You're doing it.
I'm giving you a place to hide,

and you're giving me the place
where Didi was hiding.

You wash my back, I'll wash yours.

Oh!

Oh, no, no,
that's just an old business saying,

like, you know, a bird in the hand is...

Nah, forget it.

After you leave, it'll be a summer resort
that'll make me a fortune.

- After I leave?
- Yeah. "Visit Didi's hideaway."

"Stay where Didi stayed. Didi slept here.
Didi even bathed here."

I'll turn the bathroom into a shrine.

Oh, this is wonderful,
Monsieur Tom Meade.

This way we help each other
and Pepe will never find me.

- Yeah, Pepe. Hey, what about this Pepe?
-l'm not afraid of Pepe.

Well, that makes one of us.
No, I mean, he says here that he is the...

What does Pepe say there again?

"Fearful over the fate of his star,
the Divine Didi,

"famed European film director,
Pepe Pepponi,

"his handsome features revealing
the strain of three sleepless nights..."

Oh! His handsome features,
his three sleepless nights!

Well, what about me, huh?

All he ever cares about is himself,
his studio, his picture.

- Lies. Lies. Lies!
- Well, what he probably meant was...

I know what he meant.
His money he meant.

His big box office he meant.
That's all he ever cares about me.

- Well, he must have some...
- Don't you defend him, you.

- No, I was only saying...
- But of course, you're a man, too,

and you always are together, aren't you?

Oh, no, I've never even met him,

and my insurance company
wants to keep it that way.

You just want to take
what you can get from her.

- That's what you want her for.
- No. ljust brought the chicken.

Of course, so you can have me stay
in this house of yours!

So you could exploit me,
take advantage of me

and make money on me, just like Pepe!

You're all alike.

Men. Men. Men!

Oh, take it easy, honey,
you'll break something,

and it's hard to get parts.

You don't care?
You don't care what a woman thinks?

What she feels?
The tenderness she has in her little heart?

You just take your chicken and your
tomatoes, your apples and your bread

and your cake and your chicken leg,
and you...

- You... You man!
- Thank you.

It was nice meeting you.

(SCREAMING)

Those Europeans,
why do they have to talk with their hands?

What am I mad
at Monsieur Tom Meade for?

It's Pepe I hate. You...
Pepe, misérable you.

Monsieur Tom Meade.
Monsieur Tom Meade.

Monsieur Tom Meade.

Please, Monsieur Tom Meade,
I want to apologize.

(GASPS)

MAN ON RADIO:
The Divine Didi appeared to be unharmed

and in good health.

Before the police could arrive, however,
the vanishing Venus was on the run again,

eluding pursuit in her high-powered car.

She was last reported moving south
on Highway 99.

Stay tuned to this channel
for latest reports.

...on you. It's like I was a thief.
I am no thief!

Everyone has got the right to run away
if they want to. It's a free country.

Please, not so loud.

- How did that get up to my eyes so fast?
- Well, how's old faithful this morning?

- Had a rough night.
- Did you say "rough" or...

(BARKS)

- Down, Fido.
- Come on, now.

You weren't really out
playing poker last night with the boys.

- Is that so strange?
- No, but I think one of the boys is.

What's this?

- Boy, I hope it's blood.
- Your wife sees it, it will be.

- Now, where would that come from?
- You tell me, hot lips.

Will you stop
trying to get a piece of the alimony?

It's just an innocent little smudge,
that's all.

You know, I believe you.
How's that for lying?

You can imagine anything you want,
but do me a favor.

Don't imagine them
in front of that maid next door.

She's the fastest mouth in the West.

Look, boss, I didn't mean it
if I implied anything about last night,

but how do you want your eggs,
poached, fried or raw?

Scrambled, like your head.

- Morning, Lily.
- Morning.

Morning, dear.

Careful. Papa bear hasn't had
his porridge yet.

Well, he did have quite a night last night,
didn't you, dear?

- Me? You're referring to me?
- The way you were talking in your sleep.

- What about?
- Didi.

Didi?

Imagine a guy dreaming in baby-talk.

- I wasn't smiling, was I?
- No.

Then what are you worried about?

He wasn't walking in his sleep last night,
too, was he?

(EXCLAIMS)

What happened?

She had her mouth open
and tripped over it.

That must've been some dream.
But don't worry, darling.

If you dream something,
I can't hold it against you.

- L'm not gonna answer that.
- Just spare me the details.

You can tell me.

Oh, yeah, I remember.
I dreamt I found her. It was a crazy dream.

It must have been those awful headlines.

It must've been that awful chicken
I was served here at heartburn-a-go-go.

Do you want me to make it again tonight?

- She was here, here. Didi was here.
- Where? Where?

Oh, not here, Daddy. At the hotel.
They almost caught her, but she got away.

Doris, go get your brother
and tell him to finish his cocoa.

Larry. Come finish your cocoa!

I said get him. Don't scream for him.
I could do that.

She's gone, huh?

Well, after last night, at least
she could've called and said goodbye.

Evidently the dream wasn't that good.

Hey, this has got a skin on it.
Why can't I have coffee?

Coffee? You wanna stay awake in class?

(HORN HONKING)

There's your bus.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Mom.

Goodbye.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Dad.

Wait, wait, your lunch. Quick.

Don't you take my seat by the window.

Why is it when those kids leave
every morning

it's like taking off a tight girdle?

(DOORBELL mus-nus)

- Wasn't that the front door?
- Could be. It had a familiar ring.

- Aren't you going to answer it?
- Me?

Look, let's get something straight
about this master-servant relationship.

- I am the master, you are the slave.
- Boy, what a chicken outfit.

(DOORBELL mus-nus)

I know how she is,
but I don't know what I'd do without her.

I'd like to find out.

- We wanna see Mr. Meade.
- Well, who will I say is calling?

- Just get Mr. Meade.
- Uh-huh.

Bet this is gonna be the type
who starts yelling for his lawyer.

Or starts quoting the Constitution
all wrong.

- Two guys to see you, master.
- Did they say who they were?

- Look, I opened the door, didn't I?
- Yeah, but you didn't keep going.

- Mr. Meade?
- Yes?

Police officers.

Nice of you to drop in.
How much are the raffle tickets?

Recognize this?

- What?
- What does it look like?

- Like you lost your lunch.
- I mean the phone number.

In lipstick.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's not my brand.

You wanna tell us about it?

Hey, by George, that is my number.
How did it get on an old bag?

- REGAN: This was no old bag.
- We found it on the dame's couch.

Dame's couch?

Oh, you're liable to find my number
under every couch in town.

It's a tough racket, real estate.

SCHWARTZ:
This Didi broad, the one who's missing.

She left it in her hotel room.

A mysterious stranger was seen
sneaking down the back stairs.

Are you that mysterious stranger?

Me? A stranger? Don't be silly.
I'd know me anywhere.

Now, look, this is a very
important person and she's missing.

She shows up here, and then beats it,

leaving your phone number
under her couch?

We wanna know why.

Yeah, thought maybe you could fill us in
on a few of the blanks.

Oh, not me.
The last time I did that I got drafted.

Are you telling us
you don't know this Didi?

Oh, that's not a fair question.

After you've seen one of her pictures,
you'd know her.

Okay, try this one.

What were you doing last night,
say about 10:00?

10:00? 10:00.

Oh, yes, I remember.
I remember I had a very rough day,

so I decided to take a little walk,
you know, to work off a little tension.

My husband is telling the absolute truth,
and I can verify it.

Besides, the whole thing is ridiculous.

Maybe some men
are capable of such things,

but after 18 years,
don't you think I know my own husband?

That's right. Who knows a husband
better than his own wife?

I think this one's gonna be rough.

- TOM: Now, just a minute.
- Here it comes.

You two come barging into my house,
making insinuations in front of my wife

and casting doubts on my unblemished
character before the hired help.

I happen to be a law-abiding,
upstanding member of this community,

and I consider your coming here
and making me go through this

an unjustified invasion of my secrecy...
Privacy.

You still haven't told us what she was
doing with your phone number.

What are you getting at?
I'm in the real estate business.

I sell plots, I don't dream them up.
Maybe she saw one of my ads,

you know, living room, bedroom,
three baths.

I think this has gone far enough.

You're coming here
and saying these impossible things.

I agree. I don't see her with him.

What a pair, Didi and Dodo.

Well, sorry we bothered you.
We've got our jobs and...

Well, you understand this is a big star
and a big glamourpuss.

Yeah. Big. Big.

Come on.

- Imagine that, you and Didi.
- Yeah... I mean, no.

(LAUGHS)

That'd be like trying to lasso a tiger
with a wet noodle.

(LAUGHING)

Don't lose your head.
It's only a few days till Halloween.

Well, it's not that wild, is it?

Oh, darling,
it just suddenly struck me so funny.

Well, you don't have to make it sound
like it's that impossible.

Just 'cause a lot of water's flown
under the bridge

doesn't mean the lake's dried up.

Oh, of course not, sweetheart.

Gloria Morgan thinks I've still got it.

At our last cocktail party,
she trapped me in the rumpus room

and wouldn't let me go
until I laid a little kiss on her.

Well, don't let it go to your head.
She drools over her cocker spaniel, too.

Oh, but I think you're wonderful, too.

Why don't you try trapping me
in the rumpus room?

Oh, you haven't kissed me like that
in a long time.

You haven't stepped on my toe like that
in a long time.

Yeah, but it's not easy getting a kiss
around here these days.

The kids take notes,
and Lily hands us a critique.

You're right.

We don't ever seem to have
any privacy anymore.

Yeah, you don't realize those kids
you used to bounce on your knee

have suddenly turned into an audience.

Hey, why don't we chuck the whole thing
out the window?

- The children?
- The whole routine. Right now.

Let's take off for the lake.

I'll hang a little sign on the office door,
"Gone Fishing."

- What are you doing?
- Just digging the bait.

- Oh, sounds heavenly, but...
- But what?

We haven't been away together
for a long time,

and what a spot to catch up
on togetherness.

But I've got so many things to do.
The children...

Lily'Il feed them
and they'll have all next week to recover.

Darling, but the Ladies Aid,
I have to go to the hospital

and practice making beds.

Why don't we unmake a few?

What about Mildred's shower?

She's getting married,
she's old enough to take it alone.

And the PTA this afternoon.
What about their big drive?

What about mine?

I'll work it out.

Hey, and take the black nightgown.
The heater's not connected yet.

I'll leave a note for the kids,
just in case they notice we're missing.

Yes, sir, the new Tom Meade,
sportsman, lover.

Hey, I got one.

Come in here, you baby.

There it is. A round salmon.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Hello, Monsieur Tom Meade. It is I, Didi.

Didi?

Hello. Hello, Monsieur Tom Meade?

(SHUSHING)

(WHISPERING) Hello.

Oh, I hope you're not angry with me.

Oh, no. Why'd you have to call me?

I mean here?
I mean, it's nice to hear from you.

Imagine, making waves at his age.

I had to call you. I'm in trouble.

You're in trouble?

You stay on this line much longer
and we can start a club. Where are you?

Well, like you told me,
there is no phone in the cabin,

so I had to drive down all the way
from the mountain to call.

Do you know what?
The stove doesn't work and there's no gas.

How can I make breakfast?

Well, the stove is butane and...

Breakfast? Tomorrow morning?
In the cottage?

DIDI: But you're so nice, you know,
and I hate to complain.

Oh, no, but look. You can't.

I mean, she can't...

I mean, why do you always have to
think about food?

I didn't send you up there just to eat.

On an empty stomach, yet.

But I don't understand,
Monsieur Tom Meade.

You were such a darling, and now
you want me to go without breakfast?

(WHISPERING)
I don't know what I want. Yes, I do.

But you can't hang around up there.
I've got other plans.

But I have no place to go,
Monsieur Tom Meade,

and you promised that
I could stay in your place and...

Aren't you my friend any longer?

Sure, you're my friend.

But if you stay up there,
you'll be the only one I've got.

All right then, I'll leave tomorrow morning,

if that's what you want.

No. No, you can't. It...

Look, you just stay put. I'll be up there
and we'll make some new plans.

No, no, Monsieur Tom Meade.
No new plans, please. See, I'm...

I'm still so tired from yesterday
and last night

that I just want to take a bath
and take a sleeping pill

and sleep until tomorrow.

No. No.

We've got to take care of
something else that comes first.

That's keeping your eye on the old ball,
Charlie.

Look, I'll be up there in about an hour,
if I can tie up a few loose ends

without getting caught in them.

I'll give up two weeks salary if you'll have
a five-minute talk with my boyfriend.

Look, I've got enough problems
without you.

Huh?

Uh-uh.

Better be nice to me,
or I'll break your bicycle, speedy.

$peedy?

Say, were you that click
on the phone just now?

No, I was the gasp.
But you're clicking pretty good.

With your action,
you ought to put in a French phone.

What do you mean?

Is it true that doctors recommend it
for men over 35?

(WITH FAKE ACCENT)
"Oh, I am so hungry..."

(IMITATES SMACKING)

Come here, will you? You little live-in-FBI.

I'll have you know
I had nothing to do with that gal.

- Nothing?
- Well, I fed her.

- Oh, with a spoon.
- Oh, take it easy, will you?

So, now you know she's up there.

Now, I'll tell you, I also invited Martha
to go up there with me today, too.

Oh, tell me more, Solomon.

You want to get your money
out of that property, don't you?

Yes.

You want to help me get it off our hands
so I can dump it

on some other unsuspecting jerk,
don't you?

- Right.
- Well, "Didi" is the magic word.

And I'm gonna need help.

The whole thing sounds underhanded,
disgraceful and messy.

And you can count on me.

- All packed, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

- That presents a problem.
- Problem? Was that the call you just got?

What call? Oh, yeah, the phone.
That's right.

The phone call. How'd you guess?
Well, it was from a... A ranger.

- I think he means a stranger.
- I do not. I mean a ranger.

It could be a strange ranger.
Maybe it was Tonto?

Why don't you get lost?
Somewhere in the Alps.

Why would a ranger be calling you?

Yeah. Yeah, well, he was going by
the cottage and guess what he saw?

No, don't guess. You're too good at that.

Tom, I don't know what you're talking
about. I've never seen you so upset.

Sure, I'm upset. It's the cottage.
And after all the plans we made.

Pow! The hot water boiler went,
just like that. Pow!

And there's busted pipes and water
all over the place.

I got to get up there.
There goes our weekend.

Oh, dear!

Well, not the whole weekend. I'll just get
on up there and clear away the mess and...

Well, we'll go up there Saturday,
just like we planned.

- L'm ready. I could come along and help.
- Oh, no. I wouldn't let you.

Besides, I'll be in enough hot water
all by myself.

Well, I guess Saturday's better than
not at all. And I do have PTA today.

Yeah, it's better to wait.

And besides, you just had your hair done.

I'll take your bag back.

What do you mean, "What?"
Do a follow-up on this real estate man.

Just keep giving out news releases.
Dream them up. Anything, everything.

Okay, fine.

- Good morning, D.G.
- That's your opinion?

All right, now,
how long is this going to keep on?

This kidnap, this foul play garbage?

D.G., this is beautiful publicity.

For "beautiful publicity" I've got
a beautiful publicity department.

I want her!

Relax, my friend. Relax.

Give the star a chance
to be temperamental.

She'll come back. She always does.

But as long as she is gone,
let's take advantage.

Advantage?

Do you know how much your advantage
is costing me?

$18,000 a day with a cast and crew
standing around and stages waiting.

But no more.

It's all your fault, Pepe.

If you didn't always get yourself
involved personally with these stars,

we wouldn't have these problems.

So she ran out on you, so you're going
to do something about it. And now.

Wherever she is, you go find her.

Do you want me to go after her?

You get the idea.

Well, I never stooped
to going after her yet,

-but if that's what you want...
- That's what I want.

It's against my better judgment.

I know these cookies.

Now you get out there where
they spotted her and check everybody out.

The grocer, the butcher, the milkman,

and this real estate guy
they talk about in here.

What do we know about him?

Maybe he wrote her a hot fan letter
that got to her.

Elizabeth, darling, charter me a plane

to Rocky Point, Oregon.
I'm leaving at once.

All I ask is that someday they invent a way
we can make pictures without actors.

All I ask is that she co-operate.

But not too much.

Pardon me. I need this more than you do.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi, there.

Oh, Lily, would you be a dear and
just make dinner for the children tonight?

And be sure that they get to bed on time.

Well, Tom's up at the cottage, and
after the hours he's putting in up there,

I'm sure he'll be exhausted.

Yes, he'll be that.

- So I thought I'd go up and join him.
- Join him? Up there?

Well, we'll be through here
in about half an hour,

which will give me plenty of time
to put dinner on up there.

We'll be through here in about 10 minutes.

Oh, good.

Ijust wanted you to know, Lily,
we may not feel like coming home tonight.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, I think it'll be a nice change
and sort of a surprise. Bye.

She's going to find out there's a difference
between surprise and shock!

Hi. It's me, Monsieur Tom Meade.

Whatever you're doing, don't get up.

I don't believe it.
She must take a shower sometime.

Didi. Didi.

Mademoiselle Didi.

Darling.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Why don't you get out of there
and slip into something less comfortable?

Oh, no. Sleep.

Didi wants to sleep
until tomorrow morning...

Put Didi to bed?

Yes... No, no.

Have you been taking sleeping pills?

You have been taking sleeping pills.

- Sleeping pills.
- Boy, what a setup.

Chicken delight and big chicken.

Boy, if this was one of your movies,
what would they do?

Well, we'd better forget that.

Here, let me help you.

- You have another one, don't you?
- Another one?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Monsieur Tom Meade, but I want to sleep.

- I could use a little help.
- Please.

This is no time to yell.
You got your heavy underwear on?

Monsieur Tom Meade.

Monsieur Tom Meade.

- L'll get the coffee. I'll get...
- I want to sleep.

It's a great way to travel. Get there fast,
send for your kidneys later.

(LILY LAUGHING)

Sorry, fellas, but I'm doing a good deed.

Come on, now.
Just a little down the throat.

Boy, and what a throat.

With sugar and cream,
s'il vous plait, monsieur.

Great. How about some crépes suzettes?

Don't jump to any conclusions.
I didn't come up here to clean the place.

Why should you change your habits
just for me? What did you come up for?

With your schedule, you're gonna have
to start printing a timetable.

Martha's on her way. So that's her?
Well, I'd recognize her bubbles anywhere.

But what's she doing like that?

Well, can't you see?
She's rinsing out a few things.

- Martha's on her way where?
-l'd say to Reno by way of this cottage.

Coming up here?
Oh, we gotta wake her up.

Yeah. Let her advertise her movie
somewhere else.

She took a sleeping pill and she's out.

So are you if you don't get her out of here.

Wait a minute.

The trouble with men is, they don't
understand what makes a woman tick.

This one ticks like a time bomb.

Now, any woman who carries
sleeping pills, has got to carry pep pills.

- And here they are.
- Oh, Lily, I could almost kiss you.

I said almost.

- She's not waking up.
- Give her a little time. She will.

Well, we got to get her dressed
and out of here.

Quick, in the bedroom.
You take the safe half.

I don't think she has a safe half. Here.

Get over here. Grab her. Now pull.
There you are.

There you are. Now, bend over.
Grab her. There. Now get her.

Now, we got her. There we are.
Okay? Okay. There you go.

- We've got her. All right?
- Aren't you gonna help?

I'd like to, but I've got a hangnail. All right.

What are you doing?

I'm steering. Don't give up.

- Sleep!
- Give me a hand.

Don't press your luck. There.

Wipe her bubbles off
and get something on her.

And once and for all,
I just want to tell you,

no matter how it looks, I'm really sick.

Lily, it's Martha.

Your time schedule's off again.

Yeah. We got to hide Bubbles.
Here. Bend over.

There. Hold her. Wait. Wait a minute. Here.

Here, throw her out the window.

There you are. That's it.

No, no, hold her. Wait, I got...
Here, lay her right down. There you are.

Sleep, sleep.

She might think it funny
if she found me here, too. See you.

Right.

Surprise.

Well, I'll be darned. Martha!
I was just thinking of you.

I knew it. That's why I'm here.

Oh, you poor darling, look at you.

- You're all worn out and soaking wet.
- Well, we almost had a nasty accident.

Your wife is going to cook you
a good dinner.

You want to cook dinner? Oh, that'll be
wonderful. Come on, right to the kitchen.

Right up.

You know, I don't know any reason
why we have to leave until tomorrow.

You don't? Oh, of course not.

But do you think we should stay
with all the mess and everything?

First things first. And the first thing
in order, I'm going to fix us a nice drink.

A drink.

- What's that?
- Oh, that's just a bed.

But why is it down?

Well, that's the way it is.
It goes up and down.

Were you planning on
sleeping here tonight?

Well, actually, I hadn't planned on it,
but I thought maybe...

Maybe somehow that I'd come up
and surprise you.

You guessed it. Mental telepathy.

No, it's not. It's that we're so well-suited
to each other we think alike.

That's exactly what I would have said
if I'd thought...

But leaving the kids there
with that undomesticated domestic.

Lily's done it before
and you know she's perfectly capable.

So, just relax.

Yeah, relax. You, too.

Whoops.

Oh, no.

Tom. Darling,
where did we put the vermouth?

It's in the cabinet next to the refrigerator.

And you have to go to the village for ice.

Sleep.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, I remember.
I put it in the bedroom closet.

- In here?
- Yes. Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah, the vermouth. Let me get it for
you. There you are. There's the vermouth.

- It's nice to have a man around the house.
-lt's nice to have a woman.

It's nice to be alone.

You really think we ought to stay?
I still think the place isn't ready.

The back door doesn't close all the way.
You're liable to wake up next to a bear.

Really? That's one chance in a million.

Those are my odds, too.

Here we are. Just the way you like it.

- One dash of bitters.
- Oh, great.

To my wife, the only girl in the house,
the world.

That's sweet.

What was that?

That's a nervous bed. It works by itself.

Say, how about that food? I'm famished.

- Coming right up.
- All right, that's wonderful.

(GROANING)

Tom.

Huh?

- Have I got a surprise for you!
- You've got a surprise?

Remember that wonderful venison
you brought home last fall?

Venison? Oh, yeah. Very good. Very good.

How would you like it tonight
with some candied yams and French peas?

French peas? That's...

I got a French tomato here.
Yeah. That'd be great. Great.

Practically on the fire.

Yeah, yeah. That... Thank you.

Tom, how's your drink?

- Darling, I have a little dividend for you.
- Oh, you have?

Be right there.

- Here we are. Where's your glass?
-lt's right here.

Another little blast can't hurt.

(MURMURING)

Oh, you're wonderful.

- What was that?
- That was me. You got me excited.

- Keep the thought.
- Yeah.

What on earth are you doing with Larry's
skateboard? You want to hurt yourself?

I need the exercise.
I'm trying to lose 110 pounds.

Hey, and speaking of Larry,

don't you think we're kind of selfish?
I mean, being up here all alone,

the two of us,
and leaving the kids back there?

For goodness sake, Tom. Of course
we have an obligation to the children,

but aren't we entitled to be happy, too?

Happy? Yeah, let's dance.

What are you doing?

- Well, you wanted to be happy.
- But not slaphappy.

If you don't like the way I dance,
I'll do a solo.

Tom, I'm beginning to think
you need more than a few days' rest.

Yeah, maybe I need a refill.

How about mixing up a batch, huh?
Thank you.

Are you sure you didn't have any of these
before I got here?

No, no, the altitude gives me a head start.

Well, after a good dinner,
you'll feel much better.

(SCREAMING)

What was that?
It sounded like a woman screaming.

No, no. It's a coyote.
It's the mating season.

Well, it certainly sounded
like a woman screaming to me.

Yeah, they do.

(WHIMPERING)

So, you see what I mean?
If we come up Saturday,

we won't have to worry about the pipes
or the hot water or the...

Or the what?

- Rats!
- Rats?

Rats. Oh, you dirty rat.
You dirty rat fink. I got him.

I got him. There you are. Big as a moose.

There. ljust hope he doesn't come back
with his in-laws.

Oh, dear, those awful things.

We certainly will wait until Saturday,
after we've had an exterminator.

I'm not gonna let you stay here
with those big rats running around.

One bite and you're a basket case.

You put that food away,
and we'll get going.

We gotta go home.

- But, Tom.
- No. It'll be much healthier.

I'll get the traps to keep the rats out.

(GROANING)

- Oh, you! Get away from me.
- No, no.

- No, you can't go in there.
- Oh, yes, I can.

I just want to get my clothes
and get out of here, you barbarian, you...

(SHUSHING)

- No, my wife's in there.
- Your wife?

Nobody brings their wife
to a place like this.

- I know. I know.
- Now let me go!

No. Come here.

Let me go! Let me go, you brute.

- Let me go, you!
- This is in the interest of peace.

(suounue)

(SHUSHING)

Let me go! Let me out, you...

Don't go away.

Let me out of here!

All ready? Good.

Oh, wait a minute.
I'm so glad I remembered. Rats or not.

- Rats or not what?
- The drapes.

- What about them?
-l've got to get the measurements.

Measurements? Okay. Here you are.

-36-24-36.
- Are you all right?

Huh?

- The drapes.
- Oh, the drapes, yeah.

I'll get a pencil.

Let me out!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SCREAMING)

I'm going to kill him.

52.5 by 76. That's it. Let's go.

Why are you trying to get me
out of here in such a hurry?

Why am I trying to get you
out of here in such a hurry?

I'm sorry, but I asked you first.

I only want you to get home
before the rush hour.

Rush hour? In Rocky Point?

I mean, I want you to get home
and rush the children right over

to some friends for overnight,
and then we can let Lily off,

and you and I can have late dinner,
just the two of us.

And we can eat it
just like they did in Tom Jones.

What's wrong with a man loving his wife?
It could start a trend.

Oh, I'm not knocking it. I like it. Only...

I'll be starting out in just a couple
of minutes, right behind you.

So you drive carefully and don't worry
about a thing. Just take it easy.

(ENGINE LABORING)

- I think it's flooded.
- Flooded?

Flooded?

You've got to have gas in the tank
before you can flood it.

You forgot to fill it again.

Boy, if ever you want to save money,
just give your wife a gasoline credit card.

- Be careful.
- There's nothing to it.

It's just the trick of not swallowing it.
Take the cap off.

(SPUTTERS)

(MARTHA EXCLAIMS)

Hold this.

I gotta go fireproof my tonsils.

(couemue)

You just stay away from me. Don't you
ever touch me again. You barbarian, you.

(mm SCREAMS)

No! No!

Put me down! Let go of me!

Tom, I have enough gas now,
and I'm all ready to go.

Oh, don't you touch me,
don't you come near me, you sex maniac.

Hi, Martha.

You're probably wondering who that is.

Rats, huh?
There's only one big rat around here.

Martha! Didi...

But, Martha, wait a minute.
Let me explain. You don't understand.

Didi! Didi!

- You!
- No, not me. Not anymore.

- You gotta talk to her.
- I never talk to women.

You gotta. Please.
Just put yourself in my position.

Like you're a man. Well, you can try.

(CAR STARTING)

Listen, all I want you to do
is go home with me and tell my wife

- I didn't do anything.
- Didn't do anything, huh?

And this and this is nothing?

All right, you got mud on you,
and I'm sorry, but...

And you pushed me under house and
I had spiders crawling all over my face.

You locked me in the cellar
and shoved me down a mountain.

What do you think I am? A stunt woman?

(STAMMERS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, it's out of season.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey!Hey!

Oh, you! Not even Pepe's like you.

(GROANS)

(mm EXCLAIMS)

Oh, now look what you have done to me.

Now I'm bleeding to death.

Are you really hurt? Oh, well, I'm sorry.

You get away from me,
you phoney-baloney, you liar, you.

You come nearer and I shoot.

Go ahead and shoot.

You've torpedoed my marriage.
I have nothing else to live for.

- One step closer. I warn you.
- Who cares?

You mean, you're willing to die

just because that woman
who saw us together was your wife?

Was. That's the word.

(EXCLAIMS)

- You love her so much?
- What're you gonna do?

Oh, but this is incredible. This is fantastic.

To be loved like this.

- So beautiful.
- Yeah.

Well, let's make it real beautiful
and you just go and tell her, huh?

Yes. Right away. Immediately.

BOY SCOUT 1: It's Didi.

BOY SCOUT 2:
What'd I tell you? I found her.

It's her, the French bomber.

BOY SCOUT 3: Didi, I've seen her once
in an adult picture only.

Hey, scram. Get out of here.
Go whittle a redwood.

Communists.

Those boys. I've been recognized.
Now Pepe will find me.

- Yeah, well, what about my wife?
- I'll write her a letter, I promise.

A letter? Wait a minute.
That thing was loaded?

I wish I had time. I'd faint.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey!

(BANGS)

Hey, Lily, what kind of a mood
was Martha in when she got home?

She was so mad at you I couldn't tell.

Well, at least she still loves me
enough to hate me.

Boy, you gotta help me. I'm in a spot.

The word is creek,
and you're not in it, you're up it.

That's the man. That's the man.

Don't you know it's not polite to point?

Mr. Meade, the Scouts have identified you

as having spent the afternoon
with the broad, the actress,

up in the mountains.

Ijust flew up from Hollywood, Mr. Meade.

If you can tell us
where we can find our star,

the studio and I would be extremely
grateful, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. All of a sudden,
there's no trace of her.

Well, I was with her this afternoon.

You were? Then where is she?

Please, you're bending
my Adam's apple. Please.

Mr. Pepponi. Mr. Pepponi. Easy.

Thanks a lot.

I don't know where she is.
She drove off in her car somewhere.

Uh-huh.

But you see,
the Scouts were down on the Lake Road,

and they only saw one car go by.

Yours.

So you wouldn't mind driving up there

and pointing out
the last place you saw her?

But she's not up there. Sure, I mind.

- Let's take your car.
- Mr. Meade.

- What was that all about, Mom?
- Hey, what'd the police want with Dad?

Nothing. Nothing.
Please, go back and do your homework.

That's all, son.

See, her car's gone. But look around.

Maybe you'll agree that an investment
in this end of the lake wouldn't be...

Well, I thought as long as you're up
here on your business, I'd bring up mine.

You don't mind us taking a look around
for ourselves, do you?

No.

Hey!Hey!

Hey, one of the boys found this.
ls it anything?

- A woman's scarf.
- Where'd you find this?

BOY SCOUT: Floating down there.

What were you doing?
Helping a little old lady across the lake?

This is Didi-s_

Show me where you found it. Come.

- Why don't we all have a look, Mr. Meade?
- Yes, sir.

I found it right there.

- SCHWARTZ: What's that?
-lt's an automobile aerial.

Could be a fishing pole.

Tire tracks!

No one in the car.

Oh, now wait a minute.
You don't think that I, she...

- Yes, we do think that you, she.
- Well, that's a lie. We did not.

- You did not what?
- We did not, "l, she."

- You gonna drag the lake for her body?
- I'll get on the radio.

We'll need a tow truck, skin divers,
boats and grappling hooks.

We'll just take a little return to the scene
of the crime and you tell us all about it.

This place looks like a battleground.

Yeah. What's been going on here?

Well, my wife and I like a place
with that lived-in look.

Yeah?

- What's this gun doing here?
- Oh, that.

You don't know what you have to go
through to sell a place like this.

This thing's been fired recently.

- Yeah. Very recently.
- You shot her?

Oh, I did not. It went off accidentally.

I was cleaning it and ljust happened
to leave one shell in the chamber.

Well, two shells.

...where all through the long night,

exhausted men have been
vainly dragging the lake,

and skin divers are now probing
the cold, shuddering depths.

Somewhere down there lies
the lovely body of the Divine Didi,

who bathed her way to fame and fortune
and into the hearts of movie audiences

throughout the world.

You can't go home
without a Didi photograph.

Thank you, sir. That's 50 cents, sir.

Just a minute. I'll give you
your change, sir. There you are.

All right, hurry, hurry. We only have
a few left of the Didi photographs.

But, Mommy, I want to go swimming.

You're not going swimming
with her in there.

All right, only a few choice items left.

Actual possessions from the home
of the suspected murderer,

used by him in his everyday life
before he decided to become a sex killer.

Own his very necktie, his ashtray,
his hammer, his saw,

possibly even the instrument he used
to do the dastardly crime.

Ideal gift for weddings,
birthdays, Christmas...

Lily, how could you?

Listen, we're gonna need every penny
we can get for that last-minute appeal

-to the Governor.
- Oh, Lily!

Step right this way, folks.
Neckties, ashtrays, hammer...

How sad and tragic to think
she has taken her last bath

here in the waters of Crystal Lake,

while only a few yards from where I stand
is the love nest

to which her love-crazed sweetheart
lured her and where, even now,

the police are wringing the sordid details

from a man who can only be described
as bloodthirsty.

Look. Can I have a drink? I'm thirsty.

- First, where did you hide that body?
- Body? What body?

I never laid a hand on anybody's body.
Why would I want to hurt her?

I barely knew her.
I mean, I hardly knew her.

You knew her all right.
Well enough to kill her.

- You went berserk, right? Insane.
- I'm as sane as you are. Saner.

Please, can I have a drink of water?

We know you killed her
and disposed of the body.

You're a homicidal mad-dog murderer.

Hey, I think they found her.

Easy, Joe. Easy.

- She was so beautiful. Such a tragedy.
- Here she comes.

An old car seat.

SCHWARTZ:
Who parked her car in the drink?

REGAN: You did.

- Who saw her last?
- You did.

- Who killed her?
- You did.

But I told you,
I wouldn't do a thing like that.

Just because I happened to be out
with her, and I was the last person who...

Oh.

REGAN: Now, wait a minute.
You don't have anything on me.

No, but I think
we got something on your rug.

- What does that look like to you, Sean?
- Blood. Fresh blood.

Her blood.

It's nothing. She just cut herself
while we were having our little fight.

Well, it wasn't really a fight. It...
Oh, come on now, please.

How many more hours
are you gonna go on like this?

Why would I want to kill a woman?
Any woman?

I haven't even murdered my maid.

You think you've been through something?

Now you're really gonna start to sweat.

If I'm gonna sweat,
can I at least have a drink of water?

We know what you did.

You made that poor girl fall in love
with you, didn't you?

- Didn't you?
- Why did you do it? Why?

But I didn't. I keep telling you
and telling you. I didn't.

I phoned my wife at the hotel
and the switchboard was drying out,

and the chicken put me through
to the wrong number, to her, to Didi.

You made her come all the way
from Hollywood to plead with you

to do the right thing by her,
the manly, the gentlemanly thing.

N0, I didn't.

SCHWARTZ: You laughed at her. You even
put her up in this love nest of yours.

REGAN: And she pleaded with you,
begged you, but you wouldn't listen.

And when she threatened to tell
your wife and the world, you killed her.

No, I didn't do it. I wouldn't do it. No. No.

You carried her down to the lake,
and you put her in a boat

-and rowed out to deep water.
- You made sure she'd never be seen again.

- First you tied an anchor to her.
- Then you threw her in.

- It sank down.
- And down and down and down.

She tried to get away,
but I caught her and I choked her.

Then I hit her with a poker.
Then I stabbed her.

Then I tied rocks to her and I threw her
in the lake, the lake, the lake, the lake.

One lake's enough.

Well, I guess that wraps this one up.

- Did you get the whole confession down?
- Confession? Confession to what?

For killing Didi, you murderer.

All right, get him out of here.

Hey, he just confessed.

REPORTER: Hey, fellas.
They got a confession.

Get out of here.

(CLAMORING)

LILY: Psst!

My husband is innocent.

BOY-

Wow, you really
must've been brainwashed.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Okay, close the door now.
See that everything is done.

- Meade! Meade!
- Meade!

Meade!

- Hey, did Meade come out here?
- Meade? No.

- Well, then he got away. Come on.
- Hey, he must've been the one that

-took the police car.
- What?

(CLAMORING)

What will they do to him?

They'll think of something. And so will I.

Attention, all units.

Attention. This is Lieutenant Schwartz.

Murder suspect Thomas Meade
has just escaped Crystal Lake area.

All units advance with caution.
The stolen police car is heavily armed,

and Meade is considered unbalanced,
cunning and dangerous.

At least he didn't say homicidal.

And homicidal.
Car 17 proceed north to point O.

(SIREN WAILING)

Car 14 proceed south
to intercept at intersection.

(SIREN WAILING)

What a way to feel wanted.

Throw a scare into him
with a couple of tracers.

They think I don't know how to shake 'em!

(BULLET WHIZZING)

They sure know how to shake me.

(GUN FIRING)

(BULLET WHIZZING)

I got more fuzz on my tail
than a French poodle.

(LAUGHING) Chase me, will you?

- We've lost him.
- No, we didn't.

There are three police cars following us.

Oh, no, you don't.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Hey, smoke bombs.

Oh, you happy little smog-maker, you.

"To operate, hold firmly in throwing hand,

"then pull ring C and..."

Oh, darn tape.

"And throw. Throw at once."

At once, that's now!

Oh, boy, ceiling zero,
and I'm not even up there.

(SPUTTERS)

H9)'-

(WHISTLES)

(LAUGHING)

You're safe now. Let's get out of town.

Huh?

You're going the wrong way.

I can't see.

(LILY LAUGHING)

Never been on instruments inside a car.

Hold that wheel.

Let's get out of here.

Boy, if I could only get rid
of these canned clouds.

(mm HOWLING)

- Who's that?
- It is I, Didi.

- Didi? Where are you?
-l'm here.

Well, where's here, or shouldn't I ask?

Hey, Didi, you're alive. Hey.

Hey, she's alive. Stop shooting.
She's right here. She's not dead.

She's okay!

(SIRENS WAILING)

SCHWARTZ: All right, Meade, come on
out of there with your hands up.

REGAN: No monkey business.
Murderers we shoot to kill.

TOM: Okay. I give up. I've had it.
Where's Lawrence Welk?

Okay. I give up. Don't shoot.
I'm clean, I tell you.

I know where she is. You don't have to
worry about a thing. Everything's fine.

- Believe me, she's just...
- Oh, Tom, no.

Mrs. Meade, please, no.

- Listen, lady, please. Please.
- Look, I got news for you.

- Listen to me, will you? She's right...
- DIDl: No more bubble baths!

No more bubble baths!

Please, no more bubble baths!

PEPE: Didi.

Pepe.Pepe.

Never again,
no matter what the producer says,

no more bubble baths for my little wife.

Oh, Pepe.

(LILY LAUGHING)

If you're looking for another bubble girl,
I'm ready.