All language subtitles for Your.Christmas.Or.Mine.2.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].en

[upbeat music]

Come on!

Here we go. This way.

[band playing]

- Hayley, come on!
- Oi!

Come on!

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Passports please.

[check in assistant] Thank you.
[James gasps]

No...

Mm... [chuckles]

That’s not funny.

It’s not.

- Enjoy your flight.
- Thank you.

Come on.

Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing? Come on.

- Coming through!
- [laughter]

- Okay. No, it’s just here.
- Wait...

Seventeen, eighteen...
nineteen! Nineteen!

Oh. Yes! Yes!

Oh, we made it!

- Yay!
- Where’s everyone else?

Oh, bloomin' heck.

We can’t be the first ones here.

Don’t worry, chill out.

I told you we had heaps of time.

Sorry, I know. I’m just...

I'm just a bit nervous about,
you know...

Mm, yeah.

Yeah, it’s okay. I understand.

But it will be fine. Okay?

I’m sure she’s really nice.

Yeah.

Anyways, first things first.

Let’s just make sure that
we get on the same flight.

- [James laughs]
- Okay?

I am not letting you
out of my sight.

Don’t you worry.

- Thank you.
- [passenger] Yes! Yes!

A thousand times, yes!

- [crowd applauds]
- [Hayley] Aww...

You think you’d wait until
you at least got there.

Innit?

Anyway, I feel like proposing
at Christmas

is sort of just saying, like,
“I didn’t know what to get ya."

Well, it’s a good thing I knew

just what to get you then,
isn’t it?

Exactly.

- A Fitbit.
- A Fitbit.

Mhm. I’m gonna use it to track
how many steps it is

from my flat to yours.

It is the world’s
least romantic present.

Well, I’ve only got you a card.

Okay, it’s the world’s
second least romantic present.

I guess that depends
what is written in the card.

- Doesn’t it?
- Oh, really?

Yeah.

[Jack] We’ll have none of that,
you two!

Grandpa!

Been bad enough with this pair.

Like a couple of randy
wood pigeons.

Hubert!

- Hi Dad.
- Mm.

- Hayley.
- Your Lordship.

You’re looking good!

[laughs] Well, must be all that
Californian sunshine.

How was the trip?

Well, longer than expected,
but with good reason.

I picked up a little something
on my travels.

Charming.

He makes me sound like something
he got in duty-free.

- [Humphrey laughs]
- Diane.

- James.
- Hubert.

James. And this is Hayley.

Just Hayley. Hiya.

Nice to meet
a fellow gold-digger.

- I’m joking, of course.
- Oh.

It’s him who’s after my money.

It’s absolutely true.
I am a ruthless opportunist.

- And so sexy...
- Oh. [laughs]

- [Hayley] Right.
- [James] Well.

Er, well anyway, er,

I guess we’re just now
waiting for, for my lot.

- Bonjourno, senoritas!
- [cheering]

Ah.

Ah. Aah!

- Hey!
- I am so sorry we are late.

- Hello.
- [kissing]

Blame your Dad’s directions!

Hey, I missed out the roadworks
on the M42.

[Kath] No, you missed out
the entire M42.

We spent an hour behind
a road gritter in Redditch.

And I thought it was
the Austrians

I was gonna have
trouble understanding.

Diane, meet the Taylors.

You’ve done well there, old man.
I thought she was your carer!

Yeah, it’s nice to see
you too, Geoff.

- Yes.
- I love your outfit!

Thank you.
My stylist will be thrilled.

[sighs] Oh man.
Mum would've loved all this.

No, Geoff, she wouldn’t.

She would've absolutely
hated it.

I do miss her, you know, Kath.

She’s at your sister’s.

We’ll be back with her
on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah.

[announcer] Final call for
Flight 324 to Innsbruck.

Right then, troops.

As Santa said to Rudolph,
let’s fly!

Ya-hey! Come on!

[Ant] What are we waiting for?
Let’s go!

[Humphrey] It’ll be fine.
Absolutely fine.

See? I told you, it’ll be fine.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

[Hayley giggles]

Come on! Come on!

[jaunty festive music]

[airplane engine roars]

Ah... you cannot leave
an airport without a Toblerone.

Ooh. Are you opening that now?

No, course not, Geoff.

Listen, Gilet,

I hope your Dad’s alright
about the whole booking thing.

It was good of him offering
to take care of it all,

but we, well...

Kath, felt more comfortable
if we looked after ourselves.

Honestly Geoff, it’s fine.

In the end we got
a bit of a bargain.

Yeah, me mate’s got a few
connections and sorted us out,

so... happy days!
[laughs]

Wait, Gilet,
where’s all the snow?

Woah!

Wait, Dad, is that our bus?

- [Ant] Are you serious?
- [Dec] Let’s go!

[Geoff] No, no, wait!
Wait, boys, wait!

[Ant] It’s got leather seats!

[Dec] And a telly!

- [Geoff] Look at that, eh? Woo!
- [Ant & Dec laugh]

[Geoff] Hehe!
Don't break anything.

I reckon these seats go back...
[Ant] Oh my god...

Oh, Geoff!

This is very well organised!

I’m not just a pretty face.

- Hey, Gilet.
- [Kath] Look at this!

Er...

I think this one’s your lot's.

Well, we’re all going
to the same place.

You guys get in this,
we can take your luggage.

- We’ll see you up there.
- [Geoff] Ah, cheers pal.

Er, see you at Hotel Bergschaf.

Schafberg.

Schaf-berg.

Are you gonna come with us?

No, I’m gonna wait
for his Lordship.

Okay. See you later.

[Ant & Dec] Ooh-la-laa!
A little love fest!

Sorry that took so long.

Came out of me like a racehorse.

Thank you, Jack,
for that indelible image.

What’s happening here?

Er, I told them
to take the first one.

We can just follow
in the one booked by...

Geoff.

[light-hearted music]

You’re joking, right?

[upbeat music]

[window squeaks]

- [tyres screeching]
- [Diane] Aah!

♪ A beautiful sight ♪

♪ We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walkin' in a
winter wonderland ♪

♪ Gone away
is the bluebird ♪

♪ Here to stay
is a new bird ♪

♪ He's singin'
a song ♪

♪ As we go along ♪

♪ Walkin' in a
winter wonderland ♪

♪ In the meadow we can
build a snowman ♪

♪ And pretend that he's
a Santa Claus ♪

♪ We'll have lots of fun
with Mr Snowman ♪

♪ Till the other kiddies
knock him down ♪

♪ When it snows,
ain't it thrillin' ♪

♪ Though your nose
gets a chillin' ♪

♪ We'll frolic and play ♪

♪ The eskimo way ♪

♪ Walkin' in a
winter wonderland ♪

Bloody hell!

It’s not often I say this Geoff,

but you have absolutely
pulled this out of the bag.

[Geoff] Er, heads up...

Good afternoon, Sir!

Hello.

I’m just checking this
is definitely Hotel, erm...

Schafberg.

Sheep Mountain.

Wow.

Right, okay, haha!

Well, er, we’re er...

I will stop you there, Sir,

and tell you exactly
who you are.

Eh?

You are...

our guests!

[Gerhard] It’s a title
we consider

more important than friend,

more sacred than family
and more intimate than lover.

Ooh!

[Gerhard] It's an honour

to welcome you
to Hotel Schafberg.

Come, come, come, come!

The time of your life awaits!

- [Ant & Dec laugh]
- He’s friendly.

[Ant] This is massive!

[Dec] This is sick!
That’s what it is.

[triumphant music]

Here we have the restaurant.

[Kath] Bloody hell!

The pool...

[Ant & Dec] Bloody hell!

Sky bar...

[Kaye] Bloody hell!

And the apartment suite.

Your home away from home.

Bloody hell!

Look at the Christmas tree!

Look at them baubles.

I’m more of a Travelodge
man myself.

[Kaye] Danke Shun, Gerhard!

[speaking German]

I didn’t know you spoke German,
Aunty Kaye.

I’ve become a master
on Duolingo.

Ooh.

[speaking German]

[sighs]

[giggling]

Everything is included.

And for anything else...

just ask for Gerhard.

Danke schön, Gerhard!

It’s my deepest pleasure.

It's not every day that we
get to accommodate

British aristocracy.

[suspenseful music]

You know, I did not understand
one word that man said.

Not one word.

[sighs]

- Geoff.
- Nice bed.

How much did you say
you paid for this place?

Fifteen hundred euros all in.

Right. And how likely is it,

on a scale of ‘eins’
to ‘not very bloody likely’,

that this is the hotel
that you booked for us?

[exhales] I dunno.

'Drei’?

Fifteen hundred euros?

A ‘drei’?

That bathroom is bigger than
the Tesco Express!

Okay, look...

I think I might know
what’s happened here.

Hotel Bergschaf?

Berg-Schaf, Schaf-Berg.

It’s almost right.

Almost right?

This is what happens
when you book a holiday

through Darren down the Tuns

instead of going to
a proper travel agent

like I told you to!

Darren was a proper travel agent
back in the day.

Yeah, before he went to prison!

Well, he sorted us a bargain!

No, no. He has sorted us
the wrong hotel.

Hotel Bergschaf is not
Hotel Schafberg, is it?

I don’t know!
I’m not Austrian, am I!?

You know what?
You had one job!

Yeah, and that job was to book
a holiday for the entire family

with a bunch of millionaires

in the middle of
the bloody Alps!

I’m an ice cream van man, Kath!

A good one. Some say the best.

But I’m not Richard
frickin’ Branson, am I?

If we’d have just taken Humph up
on his offer, then...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Do not start with that.

We are not a charity, Geoff.

It's... erm...

They’re still not here.

Do you think
something’s happened?

Well, are you gonna tell her
or shall I?

What?

[James] Hotel Bergschaf.

[driver] Home of
the Mountain Sheep.

- Unbelievable!
-This is not what I booked.

Humphrey, it would be literally
insane if that wasn’t the case.

[chickens clucking]

[Diane] Sir...

I’m sorry.
This isn’t our luggage.

This isn’t our hotel.

This isn’t a hotel.

Not your luggage?

Not your hotel?

Not my problem.

[ram bleating]

Excuse me.
Won’t you kindly point me

in the direction
of the manager’s office?

[Diane] Thank you.

I’ll handle this, boys.

[jaunty music]

[bleating]

[knocking]

Hello?

[door creaks]

[bell rings]

Hi. Can I help?

Oh god.

I’m the manager.

You have problems
with your driver?

Yes, yes. Very good. Very droll.

Also the chef, the gardener
any problems, you come to me.

This is the Hotel Bergschaf
and we need the Hotel Schafberg!

- Dad...
- Humphrey, stop shouting.

There’s a blizzard on its way.
You stay here tonight.

Humphrey, call the hotel.

Tell them who you are.

They’ll send us a snow truck.

There’s no signal.

Oh, I must say, I like
the sound of a snow truck.

Do you have the internet?

- [James] Christ, Dad!
- Darling, you’re shouting again.

No internet. No signal.
No travelling tonight!

Guys, we will be fine staying
here for one night, I am sure.

Uh...

I for one would like
to go on record

as saying I'm far from sure
about that.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You don’t stay here,
mein Fräulein.

This is my house. Follow me.

[light-hearted music]

- [ram bleating]
- Toilets.

Oh wow!

[bleating]

Jesus! The horns on him!

[owner] Klaus.

Sorry?

His name is Klaus.

This gate remains closed
at all times. Understood?

Well, shouldn’t Klaus
just be tied up?

He was here first.

Maybe it’s you
who should be tied up.

I hope you’re not expecting us
to stay in there?

No, of course not.

This is for my snow plough.

You stay here.

Like it?

I’ve got to learn how to swear
in German.

[bag drops to floor]

Bloody hell.

Oh good. We’re staying
in the Dark Ages.

What’s for dinner?
The bubonic plague?

I’ve slept in worse.

You have?

Only during the war in Dhofar,
mind you.

[James] Well, you have to admit,
it is rather festive.

Mm...

What, no room at the inn,
so we’re staying in a stable?

Exactly.

If only I could locate
three wise men.

I’m sorry, but who on earth

would book to stay
in a place like this?

Now that is flipping gorgeous.

Hey sexy.

Just checking you’ve got to

wherever the hell it is
Dad booked into.

I’m so sorry this has happened.

We’re not saying that
it has actually happened,

but let’s just say,
hypothetically,

there had been a little bit
of a mix-up

and we needed to be
somewhere else tonight,

is there any way that
your transport could sort that?

It pains me to use this word,
gnädige Frau,

but er, the answer is no.

Big snow’s on its way,
so the roads will be closed.

You have a problem?

In that case, no, no.
Not at all.

We just had a little bit
of a mix-up

with the bags at the airport.

And I know that it’s only been
a few hours,

but hey - I miss ya.

Oh and just give us a call when
you get this. Okay?

[giggles] Love you.

Wow.

Beautiful, isn’t it?

Yeah, I’ve never seen
anything like it.

I feel like, erm,
like I’m in a Bond film.

You literally are.

They filmed Spectre
just over there.

Wow!

But if you ask me,

it just wasn’t a patch on
The Spy Who Loved Me.

- I’ve lost you haven’t I?
- Mm, yeah.

Yeah, sorry.

I’ve actually never watched

a Bond film all the way through.

Have I seen you before?

Your face looks very familiar.

Oh, were you at Henley this year
for the Regatta?

Oh, nah.

I’m actually allergic to horses.

[laughs]

Gosh, you’re so funny.

And it’s definitely
your first time here?

Mhm.

It’s me first time
up a mountain.

- What about you?
- God, no.

No, my family have holidayed
here since time immemorial.

But it’s nice to be reminded
not to take it for granted.

Bea...

Taylor... Hayley Taylor.

[laughs] Okay, I see what
you did there.

Well, maybe I’ll see you around
for a drink, Hayley Taylor.

Vodka martini.
Shaken, not stirred.

[speaking German]

And as for your clothes,
do not say another word.

I will have outfits
sent to your room.

I'm an excellent judge of size.

Oh... Danke schön, Gerhard.

Right, nobody is going
anywhere tonight.

Yes!

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

So we just need to stay put

and keep our heads down.
Capiche?

Yeah. Capiche.

[jaunty music]

Cannonball!

- Cannonball!
- Cannonball!

Is that...?

- You are kidding me.
- [Kaye laughs]

- Woo!
- [Kath] Low profile!

I think that ship’s
sailed, love.

- [Kaye laughs]
- [kids shouting]

[heartwarming music]

[door slams shut]

He wasn’t wrong
about that blizzard.

Right then,
if we’re going to stay warm,

we’re going to have to dip into
the Taylor’s suitcases.

Oh, well they’re
a laid-back bunch.

I don’t think they’ll mind.

I might.

What is she
a magician’s assistant?

I’ve seen more tasteful outfits
at Cirque Du Soleil.

My darling, trust me,

you would look magic
in anything.

[Diane] Oh, you and that
British charm...

Come on... Something...

Yes! Yes!

[elegant music]

Oh...

Ooh.

[gasps]

[phone ringing]

- James!
- [James] Hayley!

Oh my god.

It’s happened again, hasn’t it?

[James] Put it this way.
I have got...

an incredible sense of déjà vu.

Or whatever that is in German.

[Hayley laughs]

Is it... is it alright
where you are?

Erm... I mean... yeah.

If your definition of alright

includes sleeping
in a mouldy barn

and using toilets that would

make the bogs at
Glastonbury blush.

Are you serious?

Oh my god! I am gonna...
I’m gonna kill my dad!

No, erm, it’s fine.
I’m joking. It’s lovely.

It’s really... it’s really...

charming.

[Humphrey] A brussel sprout.

[James] Erm, but look,
don’t worry.

You guys stay there and...

and we’ll be over
in the morning.

[James] And we’ll sort
it all out.

Okay.

Oh, and we’ve got
your suitcases.

Er, yeah, we realised.

But don’t worry.

- We have a Plan B.
- [Hayley] I forgot how you lot

had all your matching luggage.

- [Hayley] You bloody poshoes.
- Yeah.

Hey...

Hubert James Hughes.

Can I sleep in one of your tops?

[James] Of course.

And can I borrow
your toothbrush?

No, I think the hotel can
provide you with one of those.

Well, you can sleep in my PJs
if you like?

I think my dad would have
a heart attack

if he saw me in your
“I heart cuddles” top.

[dramatic music]

[Hayley gasps]

Hayley?

Are you there?

Er, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I’m here.

- Er... How is the...
- James, erm...

I, I’ve gotta go.

We’ve got a dinner...
engagement.

Okay.

Well, enjoy.

Erm...

- Thanks.
- Love you.

- I love you too. Bye.
- Bye.

[tense music]

Bloody hell.

[sighs]

[Humphrey] Right, I’m going
to freshen up before dinner.

Oh, my washbag’s in my suitcase.

You haven’t got yours,
have you Hubert?

Yes, it’s in my hand luggage.
One sec.

You don’t think there’s
any chance

this could be one
of those random,

off the beaten track places
you hear about

that turns out to have
three Michelin stars?

[Jack] Not a bad fit actually.

Mm.

♪ Snow is snowin' ♪

♪ The wind is blowin' ♪

♪ But I can weather... ♪

Ooh.

♪ the storm ♪

♪ What do I care how much
it may storm ♪

♪ I've got my love
to keep me warm ♪

Ah.

♪ I can't remember... ♪

Not a bad fit at all.

It just don’t feel right.

Us here like this while they’re
in some dump somewhere.

It’s just... No, no.

I know what you mean.
Fill it up, cheers.

Relax, sis.

There’s nowt we can do
about it tonight.

We may as well sit back
and enjoy.

Anyway, James said the place
they’re in

is actually really nice.

Well, there you go, love!

I’m sure they’re living it up
over there

just as much as we are here!

I’m more of a ‘one fork’
man myself.

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is served.

[clang]

- Guten Appetit.
- Fantastic.

There goes the Michelin star.

Well, on the bright side,
it’s not the bubonic plague.

In the morning I shall take you
to Hotel Schafberg.

No, I’m sure the hotel
will send us a snow truck.

Klaus and I must
travel regardless.

In the evening we parade
for the children

in Christmas costumes.

Are you Santa Claus
and his reindeer?

Krampus.

Krampus?

[sinister music]

Krampus.

Oh my god.

When Saint Nicholas
comes with gifts

for those who have been good,

Krampus walks behind
and punishes those who have not.

Punishes?

Every year,
children lie awake in fear.

They can feel his presence
in the shadows.

- They can hear...
- [sinister footsteps]

- his footsteps...
- [sinister footsteps]

on the ground.

And they can sense...

the switching of his whip.

Tomorrow, I become Krampus.

Why...

Why do you do that?

Because...

mein Freund,

it’s Christmas.

Argh!

[wind howls]

[door creaks & slams]

We can lock that door
from the inside, right?

[lounge music]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Check out them loos.

They’ve got proper little towels
to dry your hands on.

Oooh! Fancy!

You’re in a good mood.

I thought you’d be as annoyed
at me as your mum is.

[sighs] Well, let’s just say

I have found something

very interesting
in James’s washbag.

Okay. And it's, erm...

you know, something you can tell
your old man about

or is it a bit, erm...?

It’s a ring.

I don’t wanna know.

No, Dad, ew!
No, an engagement ring.

Oh!

Oh, bloody hell!

Does he not know what to get you
for Christmas or something?

I know, right? I literally
told him to get me a Fitbit.

Well, he hasn’t asked
me permission yet,

but if he does,

I’ll tell him the same thing
as the last fella.

Dowry is 900 quid
and a bag of chips.

- Oh, shut up.
- And...

that they’re asking
the wrong bloke.

Because I don’t think
there's a man out there

who truly deserves
to marry my daughter.

Hm.

Well, James does come
pretty close, mind.

Yeah. He’s pretty special.

I just, I can’t explain it.

It feels like we’re
on the same wavelength.

Well, there you go!

When you know, you know.
I’ve always said it.

First time I asked your mum,

it just felt like the most
natural thing in the world.

Wait - the first time?

Oh yeah, no, she turned me down
the first time.

[chuckles]

We had only been going out
ten days, mind you.

But what can I say, you know,

- when you know, you know.
- When you know, you know.

Exactly. [laughs]

Hey, keep this under
your hat, okay?

Hey, my lips...

are sealed.

Hey...

I love you.

[kissing]

I love you too.

[squeals]

♪ You make me happy ♪

♪ I dance with glee ♪

And from the moment we met,

well, I knew I wanted
your father

on an intellectual, spiritual,
primal physical level.

Gosh, that’s a bit...

That’s a lot.

And I am very good at getting
what the ‘F’ I want.

She literally wrote
the book on it.

My book! It’s called ‘How To
Get What The ‘F’ You Want’.

Have I said?

- No, you did. Yeah.
- [Diane laughs]

Well, enough about me

and my boring old
‘New York Times Bestseller’.

So tell me more about you
and Hayley?

Do we hear wedding bells?

[laughs] Er, no.

Not yet, anyway.

She was very clear about that.

And career-wise,
the wannabe actor

is making a leap
to budding filmmaker.

Is that still the plan?

Er, well, you know,
I’m heading in that direction.

We watched your short film.
It was...

very good.

[Diane] Can I be
brutally honest?

Can I say no?

I didn’t get it.

But then again, I’ve never
been one for ‘fiction’.

Anyway, on that subject,

Diane and I would like
to discuss

an early Christmas present
with you.

[Diane giggles]

I’m assuming you’ve heard of
The American College of Film.

The best film school
in the world.

Of course. Yeah.

Well, Diane has a friend.

He’s on the board of trustees.

We showed him your little film.
He liked it.

Long story short,

how would you like a place

on their 12 month
directing course

- once you graduate in March?
- [Diane laughs]

Really?

Really.

But The American College
of Film, that’s in L.A.

Last time I checked.

I shall be spending more time
out there too next year,

for obvious reasons.

- Ooh...
- [Humphrey chuckles] Mm...

We could get a “pad” together.
That’d be fun.

Guys, this is amazing. Wow.

Thank you.

What about Hayley?

Well, I don’t know
what she’s got planned.

Might she want to come too?

Mm, yeah.

I mean, it is a really
amazing opportunity.

I just need to speak
with Hayley about it first.

[wind howling]

[lounge music]

[Ant & Dec humming
the wedding march tune]

[Geoff] What did I just say?

- [Kath] That’s it.
-[Geoff] Where are you going?

- [Kate singing jubilantly]
- Oh!

Oh my god, Dad!

Don’t worry love. It won't go
further than the family.

I hear congratulations
are in order.

Oh, thanks.

- Hey, listen up everybody!
- Kaye!

- My niece is getting engaged!
- Stop it.

[cheering & applause]

Bloody hell!

[cheering & applause]

So proud of you!

- [cork pops]
- [cheering]

[laughter]

[wind howling]

- [tense music]
- [gate creaks and clanks]

[door slams & creaks]

[James sighs]

Right-o.

[light-hearted music]

[romantic music]

James... Oh, what you doing?

Will you, Hayley Taylor,

marry me, James Hughes?

[squeals] Yeah!

[giggles, gasps]

Oh, this is...

Oh, this is such a surprise! Oh!

Oh my gosh, I mean...

Yes... I mean, of course I will!

What? No...

[gasps]

Oh my god!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

[dramatic music]

A seminar with James Cameron...

[door creaks]

[dramatic music]

Hello?

Bloody Krampus.

- [door slams]
- [bleating]

- Ah!
- [thud]

[gasps]

Shit! [gasps]

Shit!

Okay, it’ll be here somewhere.

Okay...

Oh my god, oh my god!

[speaking German]

Erm... a ring?

- Ring?
- [Hayley] Eine, eine ring?

I’ve lost eine ring.

Oh, you lost a ring?

Yes! Si, si, oui... yes, yes.

Erm, like, from,
like there... to here.

Oh, I’ll help you.

Danke schön, very much.

Yes, so...

[groaning]

[gasps] Unbelievable.

[wind howling]

[suspenseful music]

Klaus?

Klaus?

Klaus!

Klaus...

- [bleating]
- Jesus!

Hey, boy.

- Hey Klaus...
- [bleating]

Okay.

Okay, Klaus.

- [bleating]
- Hey.

[James] Friendly.

Will you please go
into your home?

- [bleating]
- Klaus, er...

Speaken zie English?

Please, goat.

Please, he'll kill us.

- [grunting]
- Come on!

- Bloody hell!
- [grunting]

Bloody hell, you’re strong!

[bleating]

Right.

There has to be something.

[gasps] Ooh...

What?

Oh...

Ha.

[bleating]

[sighs]

Oh...

Ooh.

- Fräulein!
- Mm?

Is this what you want?

Yes...

- Yes!
- [man] Yes?

- [Hayley] Yes, yes, yes!
-[man] Ooh...

[woman speaking Italian]

[upbeat music]

[Hayley and the man laughing]

[family speaking Italian]

Ooh, mwah, mwah!

Oh, you with
this ring! Brilliant!

[woman] Congratulations!
So romantic.

We took a photo of you.

We thought you’d
really like to...

[laughter]

Hey! Don’t judge me!

He’s very sexy!
[laughter]

[laughter]

Danke schön, very much.

Ah! [sighs]

Come on...

Oh, how does that smell?

It’s good.

Come on...

Just a little bit further.

[bleating]

[bleating]

[Diane] All I’m saying is
if we’d asked the hotel,

they probably would have sent
a snow truck by now.

Actually, I’m rather taken
with the idea of a snow truck.

- Mm.
- [horn beeps]

[light-hearted music]

Where are we gonna sit?

[bleating]

No. No way. Uh-uh.

Not gonna happen.

[light-hearted music]

[Klaus breaks wind]

Oh god!

Oh, that’s been happening
all morning.

Must be something he ate.

[Jack laughs]

I might throw up.
Oh, that’s terrible.

- Ooh.
- Oh, help me.

Not long now, eh?

Okay. Oh, hooo...

- I'm just gonna...
- Oh.

Morning.

Everything okay?

- Gerard!
- Gerhard.

That was the best breakfast
I have ever had.

Oh, it’s still in the morning
but my day is already a success.

[Geoff laughs]

I just hope you all have
left enough room

for tonight’s Christmas dinner.

Bit early, aren’t you?
It’s still only Christmas Eve.

It’s not early for us.

Here in Tyrol we enjoy
Christmas dinner

late on the evening of the 24th.

Oh.

There will be fireworks
and then a feast.

We can’t have Christmas dinner

the night before
Christmas, Geoff!

I can.

- [Gerhard sighs]
- [Geoff] You heard the boss.

We’ll have to give it a miss,
G man.

You can’t mess with tradition.

It’s a pity.

It’s also custom
to serve and eat

13 different types of dessert.

Although I’ve always said
you should be open

to other people’s traditions.

When in Rome, eh, Grandad?

Book us in Gerry, my boy!

Rome isn’t in Austria,
you know, Geoff.

Christmas dinner on Christmas
Eve? It’s just not right.

Hey, you’ll not end up on
Santa’s naughty list, Kath.

Definitely Italy.

[Grandad] It was on The Chase
the other night.

- Oh! They’re here!
- [Geoff] Hey, oh...

Hiya!

Ey up, Humph!

Dad, he can’t hear ya.

Oh.

[distant grumbling]

They don’t look very happy.

[heartwarming music]

[James] This place
is amazing, Dad!

Oh, it feels so nice
to finally be here.

Well, we can only apologise
for the mix-up caused by my

quite frankly
bellend of a husband.

- Bit harsh.
- [Diane] I'm sorry,

I’m still struggling
with the accent.

What is a bellend?

- Oh! It's the...
- Don’t worry about the mix-up.

These things happen.

Right, well we can,
er, just get our coats

and get out of your hair then.

Oh, thank you.

Oh nonsense.
You can’t leave yet.

No, we can at least get out on
the slopes together first.

That is why we’re here
after all.

Well, er, if we’re doing that,

then we have a little something
for everyone to wear après-ski!

[laughter, cross-talk]

Now, Diane...

I had to go to print before
information of your name

had filtered through to me,

so, er...

I had to improvise.

Well, no... I did tell him
your name.

Well, thank you.

What woman doesn’t dream
of being defined solely

by their relationship
with a man?

You’re welcome.

Right, give us a hand, boys.

- Er, sorry Gilet, er...
- [Ant] Here you go, Hayley.

I’m afraid there’s no
sweatshirt for you.

Oh, really?

There’s this instead! Ha ha!

- Hey hey!
- [cheering]

Aww. That really is a gilet.

Why do they call him Gilet?

Oh, it’s a long story.

When we first met him,
he were wearing a gilet.

So, not that long then.

Right! Er, well, those slaloms
won’t slalom themselves!

Hey hey! Come on then...

Come on, let’s go!

[upbeat music]

I think you’ve got the passes.

[gasps]

Earth to James. The pass...
have you got the passes?

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Here you go.

- Are you alright?
- Yeah, I’m just...

[Hayley] Oh... are you worried
you won’t cut it

as my ski instructor?

[James] [laughs] No, I just...

I need to ask you something
and... when we’re alone.

Hey, well I wouldn’t worry.

I think you’ll get the answer
you’re looking for.

- [Geoff] Right, in we go.
- [Diane] Need help there?

Er, I think we’re gonna
take the next one.

You know, see the views.
Just us two.

Ooh...

Very romantic.

Shut up.

Hey, Gilet!

- [James] Oh!
- [Hayley] No!

Boys! Come on.

- Get in!
- Give us a chance.

You need to get on.
You need to get on, now!

Do you wanna be a shish kebab?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.

[James] Boys, it’s about
to close.

[Geoff] Get in here now!

[crosstalk, bickering]

Mum, tell ‘em!

- Mum, it’s closing!
- Ant...

I guess we’re just gonna
have to go with you.

Oh my god!

[giggling]

[Ant] Hey, Gilet!

Has your face got bigger?
'Cause, like...

It’s even easier to hit
than last year.

I don’t have a big face!

Wait a minute,
did you hear that?

The side of the mountain
just spoke.

- [laughter]
- Come on...

Should have seen
the look on his face!

- Get in.
- [Dec] So easy to wind up.

I think you boys ought to start
being a little nicer to me.

Why would we want to do that?

Yeah. Where’s the fun in that?

Well, I’m going to tell you
a little story.

Boring!

About a Christmas creature
called Krampus.

[sinister music]

[Diane] And that, Geoff,
is how you’ll get

what the ‘F’ you want
from your own business.

- Blimey!
- Mhm.

I don’t think anyone’s floated
an ice cream van

on the stock market before.

It’s an ice cream float, Geoff.

- Hey, hey!
- It’s like I told Elon.

If you ain’t first,
you might as well be dead.

Who?

Elon. Elon Musk.

[speaking German]

Sorry, darling.
I don’t speak a word of German.

[playful music]

After you, James.

Yeah, after you.

That’s very nice of you, boys.

[Hayley giggles]

[Hayley laughs]

Oh...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- On the side...
- On the side.

And dig in,
lean in to the mountain.

- [Hayley] Lean in...
- [James] Like a crab.

- The mountain is my friend.
- [Humphrey] Ah, here you are!

Wow.

Well, it has been lovely
seeing the views,

but I imagine this is where
we part ways.

The poshoes can go and do
your black runs

and the northerners can go down
to the nursery slopes

for some quality falling over.

Okay, speak for yourself, sis.

Ah, I’m sorry,
but what’s happened here?

Stockport Snow Dome
every Saturday and Sunday

for the past six weeks
is what’s happened here.

Do you remember when Kaye used
to go out with ‘Dry Slope Stu’?

Nothing dry about my slopes,
I can tell you that.

[Geoff sighs]

He gave us a discount.

Yeah. We’re not here
to piste about!

Oh my god, am I the only
one here that can’t ski?

Oh, love, sorry.

Do you know what, you’ll get
the hang of it in no time.

Yeah. Stu says, “It’s just
falling, but with style."

- Hey, don’t worry.
- Oh.

You lot crack on.

We’re just gonna stay up here
and enjoy the view.

- [Hayley] Are you sure?
- [James] Yeah.

Why do they keep looking
at me like that?

Erm, alright! Off you go!
Off you go!

Go and do Stockport
Ski Dome proud.

We will. Right...

Come on, posh knobs!

We’ll race you to the bottom!

Last one down gets the cocoa.

I’ve had the same ski instructor
as Michelle and Barack.

Well, I had Dry Slope Stu.

Literally.

[playful music]

[cheering & laughter]

[Geoff] Here we go!

Go on, Mum!

[Kath] Thanks!
See you at the bottom!

Have fun!

Come on. Let’s go find
somewhere perfect.

Okay.

Come on, yeah...

- [cheering]
- [playful, festive music]

♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ While the merry bells
keep ringing ♪

♪ May your every wish
come true ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ May the calendar
keep bringing ♪

♪ Happy Holidays to you ♪

Mm.

So...

Go on.

What is it that you, er,
you wanted to ask me?

Well...

it's...

about our future, I guess.

- Mm.
- About...

what we’re doing
after graduation.

Yeah?

I am just having the most
amazing time with you, Hayley.

- And I always imagined...
- One minute.

One minute.

- What are you doing?
- One minute.

- You alright?
- Mhm.

Mhm. Alright.

Okay, okay.

Are you alright?

Okay, I'm ready.

- Okay, erm...
- Carry on.

Um... Okay, er...

- [tender music]
- Yeah, I am...

having the best time with you.

London has been amazing, and...

and just whenever
I think about the future,

I picture us being together.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, well...

what if I were to ask you...

Huby Hughes?

Huby-Hu?
Are you kidding me?

Huby Hughes... is that you?

Ah! No!

- Beattie Edrington!
- I do not believe this!

- Oh my god!
- [Bea squeals]

- [James] As I live and breathe.
- Wait... what’s happening?

- How long has it been?
- I don't know...

- seven, eight years?
- No.

Oh god, we are so old.
How bleak.

Oh... 007.

I was not expecting you.

Oh my god.

Of course! I knew
I’d seen you before.

You’re in his profile pic.

This is Hayley. Hang on,
do you guys already...

No, we met last night.
Very briefly.

No way.

My two favourite people
in the world.

What are the chances?

Yeah. What are the chances?

[James] Erm, sorry, er,

Bea lived like ten minutes
down the road from us.

Er, well, 20 if you
take into account

the length of your drive.

Shut up. We grew up together,
you know.

We summered together.

Ah, gosh, I can’t believe
you two are together.

There goes our deal.

Yep. So, we had a deal where

if we both ended up single,

- we’d get married.
- Ah!

- You’re my, er, Huby-Hubby.
- Yes.

- And I was your...
- Bride-to-Bea!

- [laughter]
- We were so funny.

So funny...

Hey, erm...

I was so sorry to hear
about your mum.

Ah, no. I mean...

- Hey.
- Oh.

Aww.

[hugging]

- Aww.
- Mm.

So... what’s going on?

Are you here with all the fam?

Ah, gosh. Not this time, no.

- I’m on a one-woman retreat.
- Ooh.

I’m laying low after
a particularly spicy break-up.

- Ah. Sorry to hear that.
- Oh.

Yeah, thanks.

It was just one of those things.

There was faults on both sides.

I found out he didn’t
like David Bowie,

and he found out that I’d slept
with his sister, so...

Ah! Classic Bea.

Classic Bea, right.

[scoffs] Ah, gosh.

Anyway, I should, er,
I should leave you guys to it.

I don’t want to intrude
on your day out.

Erm, well, I mean,
if you’re here by yourself,

then you should just
hang with us, right?

I mean, we were just
having a chat, so...

I mean, if it was important,
I... I can go.

We can just talk
about it later. Right, H?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- Okay?
- Totally.

- Yay!
- Okay, great! Aha!

Erm, well I was going to go
and ski 'The Gauntlet',

if it interests you.

Oh, it’s a goodie.

Er, well... this one’s actually
never been down there...

No, this one would be
up for that.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure.

Well, Hayley, I just think you
should probably start

on a little more...

I think I can handle
‘The Gauntlet’.

Yeah, come on Huby.
Let the girl ski.

Yeah, come on, Huby.

I can look after myself, hm?

After all, what’s skiing if not
falling with style, right?

[giggles]

[dramatic music]

It’s quite steep.

Nah. It’s a red
but it skis like a blue.

Yeah! Yeah, James, it’s a red
but it skis like a blue.

You don’t know what
any of that means.

I think I know how to get down
a ski slope! [laughs]

You just, you know, you point
your skis down, and...

you let gravity do the rest!

Well, no, it’s a lot more
complicated than that, Hayley.

Here we go...

You really need to lean
forwards into your skis...

- [Hayley] Oh my god!
- And then...

- Oh my god!
- Hayley...

Oh my god, James! James!

She knows how to turn, right?

I don’t think she knows
how to turn.

[Hayley screaming]

But she knows how to stop?

[Hayley shrieking]

I don’t think she knows
how to stop.

[sighing heavily]

Ugh!

[zipping]

I’m sorry, but a skier
of her standard

simply does not belong
on a slope like this.

Oh, that was totally my fault.
I brought her up here.

Don’t worry. We can just get
a cable car down.

No, please.
Don’t let me hold you back.

- You two just carry on.
- No, no way.

You’ve taken a knock.

No, James, I’m fine.

[sighs] And, erm...

You can get me back
to the cable car, right?

Of course.

Hey, I want to go down with you.

No. Please, please...
It was just a little tumble.

And I’m embarrassed more
than anything, so...

Bea, take him away!

Only if you’re sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I’ll meet you
back at base.

- Go on! Go!
- Okay.

No more skiing.

- Promise?
- Promise.

[James] See you at the bottom.

[sombre music]

[Bea] See you at the bottom!

[James] You lead, I'll follow.

[Bea] Woo! Let's go!

♪ Have yourself a merry
little Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

♪ From now on ♪

♪ our troubles will be
out of sight ♪

[Bea] Woo! Haha...

[James] Woohoo!

[Bea] Woo!

[laughter]

[Bea] Falling behind!

- You’ve still got it, Bea.
- I know.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

- Keep up!
- Woah!

♪ We all will be together
If the fates allow ♪

♪ Hang a shining star
upon the highest bough ♪

♪ And have yourself a merry
little Christmas ♪

♪ Have yourself a merry
little Christmas ♪

♪ Have yourself a merry
little Christmas... ♪

♪ now ♪

Are you alright, love?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, erm...

- I just took a small tumble.
- Oh.

So I’m feeling a bit bruised.

I’m not sure skiing is my sort
of thing, to be honest.

Yeah.

What about you?
Did you have fun?

Yeah. I don’t really get
what all the fuss is about

either, you know?

All that palaver to get
to the top of an hill

to turn round and come
straight back down again?

[laughter]

Give me ten-pin bowling or Laser
Quest any day of the week, yeah?

[laughter]

[sighs]

I know it seems mad being
somewhere like this, but...

Oh, I would give anything to be
in Macclesfield right now.

It just don’t feel
like Christmas

when we’re not at home.

That doesn’t sound mad at all.

- [knocking]
- Knock knock.

- You okay?
- Mhm.

Okay. Yeah...

Mwah. Oh...

I’ll leave you to it, Gilet.

[Hayley clears her throat]

- You made it down alright?
- Mhm.

How are you feeling?

Oh, why does everyone
keep asking me that?

It was just a tumble.

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry...

[sighs] I was just, er...

I was just chatting with Mum

and I think that she’s missing
her Christmas at home.

And I am too, to be honest.

I think I know something
we can do about that.

[tender music]

- Come on.
- [Hayley laughs]

[James sighs]

Now it’s finally
just the two of us,

- I think...
- Mhm.

- You’re overdue a little TLC.
- Oh, oui!

[Hayley laughs]

And maybe I can even kiss some
of those bruises a bit better.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Aah!

- Ow!
- Argh!

Gramps! Why?

Terrific water pressure
in there.

Don’t mind me,
I’m going back in.

- Ah...
- [laughter]

Oh well...

I suppose it is a bit like
a Christmas back at home.

Wait, that’s it!

What?

Well, if you guys are really
missing Christmas at home,

why don’t we bring a bit of
Macclesfield Christmas here?

Huh?

Aah.

Oh Diane, did you not
fancy the jumper?

If my stylist caught me wearing
yellow out of season,

- he’d put a bullet in my head.
- [Humphrey chuckles]

And rightly so.

Right, what we doing
between now and dinner?

I can’t stop thinking about
them 13 desserts!

What do you think those desserts
are going to be, Geoff?

I mean, we can get out
of your way if you’d prefer?

No, not at all.

You’ve got your Christmas
pudding, Christmas cake...

Well, no 13 desserts
for us, dear.

We’ve got the same
nutritionist as Tom.

She is unrelenting.

Your apple pie, your cherry pie,
your blackberry pie...

I thought you lot would be
chopping cucumbers by now.

You what?

Well, it’s Christmas Eve.

Just 'cause we’re here
doesn’t mean you have to stop

with your Christmas traditions.

- What, you mean...?
- Boys to the pub.

Girls have a pamper!

Gilet, you flipping genius!

We do it every year.

Boys go to the pub,
girls have a pamper.

So I gathered.

And I don’t care
what anyone says,

I’m going to the pub this year.

- Good lad!
- Ah, boo!

Ah, Gilet! It'll not be the same
without you.

Sticky toffee pudding,
lemon meringue...

Can someone try switching
him off and on again?

[laughter]

Er, I was thinking,
since it is Christmas,

perhaps I might indulge in just
the one gin and slim.

Well, just remember what our
nutritionist always says...

- What would Tom do?
- Tom.

Tom Jones?

[gasps] Ooh...
What about the boys?

Oh, don’t worry about us.

We can just, you know,
stay here and watch a film.

Yeah, maybe order a bit of room
service if we get hungry.

There you go!

Cor, it’s feeling more
like Christmas now!

- In't it? Eh?
- [laughter]

You’re the best.
Do you know that?

[Grandad] Have I said
Christmas cake?

Come on girls...

Let’s order up some cucumbers
and Prosecco!

Kaye, my dear.

We are residing in
five-star accommodation

in the middle of the Alps.

I think we can do a little
better than that.

Shall we?

Come on, Diane.

- [laughter]
- [light-hearted music]

- [Geoff] Drink up, Humph.
- Come on girls.

The pub waits for no man.

Oh, this is the place!

Eh... 'Die Hundehütte'.

[pub chatter]

[Geoff] Hohoho.

This’ll do, eh?

Here we go.

- Cheers lads, eh?
- Cheers!

To the 'Hundehütte'.

Merry Christmas! Good health
and all the above.

[cheering]

[Geoff laughing]

It’s a bit rowdy in here, Humph.

We need another team
for the next round.

What about you?

Guys in the yellow,
come on, come on.

Have a little
drinking competition.

Oh no. We just want one
quiet pint. That’s it.

You have an English accent.
English, huh?

Come on. Don’t be a coward.
[chicken sounds]

We’re not having...
No, we can’t do that. It’s...

[James] A bad idea.

[MC] Do it for Churchill!

- Yes?
- No.

- Do it for Paddington!
- Come on!

[cheering]

Come on!

Can’t go up on his own, can he?

The Rose and Crown
all over again.

That’s the spirit, well done!

[jaunty Christmas music]

Drei, zwei, eins...

[cheering]

Danke schön!

[cheering]

[laughter]

Woah! Oh!

Hey! Hey!

[cheering]

[cheering]

Come on!

Yes!

No, no, no, no... No!

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

Come on! Woo!

Come on, Humph!

[cheering]

[cheering]

It means...
it means doghouse?

- Yeah.
- [laughter]

I’ve been in that one before.
Plenty of times.

I needed that.

Better out than in, eh, lad?

Mm.

Where’s Dad and Gramps gone?

They’ve gone outside
for a cigar.

Bloody hell...
They must be drunk.

[giggling] It was all worth
it though, eh?

Hello, excuse me.

Hi. Could we, er, have five
really small coffees, please?

- Funk.
- Thank you.

- Danke.
- Is it funk or is it...?

Listen...

It’s good to spend some time
with you, mate, you know?

- Mm.
- Mano a mano. And listen...

Yeah.

I know what it is
you’re waiting to ask me.

And I’m gonna save you ever
having to do it,

‘cause I know it’s awkward.

What?

H knows you’re going to pop
the question for Christmas.

She told me.

She’s well excited, mate.

I’ll be honest, so am I.
I mean, we all are.

We’re all just waiting
for it to happen now, look,

so there’s no need to stress.

- Um...
- Do. Not. Stress.

Hayley’s...
Hayley told you that?

So when’s it gonna happen?

No, no, no, don’t tell me.
No, no...

Tonight, hey?

At midnight!
I mean, it is perfect!

We’re at the fireworks.

No, in fact don’t tell me.

It’ll be more of a surprise.

You can say that again.

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

- Alright?
- [James burps]

Stick to the beer.

Now that is what I call
a pamper.

Oh, you just can’t beat
a Christmas tradition.

- Diane, I’ve got to ask you.
- Mm?

How do you manage to retain
that lovely figure?

Well, thank you, Kaye.

Three things, all in my book.

Have I told you it's
a New York Times...

A New York Times
Bestseller? Yeah.

Yeah, Diane, you have.
A few times.

Okay, good.

So, three things.

First off: no carbs, no dairy,
no alcohol.

No flippin’ chance!

Secondly, I use the same
colonic guy as Angelina.

- Really?
- And most importantly, no kids.

[Kaye] I knew it!

I honestly know I wouldn’t be
who I am today

if I had lost all of that time
and energy raising children.

Instead, I chose
to raise myself.

[Kaye] Do you know what Diane,

you have just sold yourself
another book.

Thank you, Kaye.

And as it’s for you,

- I’ll sign it for free.
- Aww.

The thing is, Diane, there’s
actually a counter to that,

isn’t there?

Because I wouldn’t be the woman
that I am today

if I hadn’t have put all
that time and energy

- into H here.
- Aww.

And how the woman that
she’s become

is the thing that nourishes
me now.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

I mean, me boobs haven't
been the same since,

- but you know.
- Ha!

Right, another bottle of
prosecco and an elderflower...

[Diane] Pressé.

Ey up sis, wait for me.
I’ll help you.

[giggling]

What’s a colonic?

They go up your bum.
Suck it out.

No! No!

Well, that's very sweet
of your mom.

But once you’re all grown up,
what happens then?

How will she feel, for instance,
next year

when you follow James to L.A.?

Sorry, where?

[Diane] To L.A.

When he starts
film school there.

He told you
this afternoon, right?

Yeah, right.
Yeah, that. Erm...

Well, I don’t know really,
should prob...

[distant singing]

What is that noise?

♪ ...mental fight ♪

- ♪ Nor shall my sword ♪
- Oh no!

♪ Sleep in my hand ♪

♪ Till we have built ♪

Oh my!

- ♪ Jerusalem ♪
- Okay.

♪ In England's green
and pleasant land ♪

Bloody hell!
You’re worse than usual.

Well, maybe that’s because this
time we’re now officially,

[kiss]

‘Legends of Sheep Mountain’.

[bleating]

[laughter]

[bleating]

What is that smell?

I did only have one
gin and slim.

- Mm.
- But there may have been

some other types of drink
after that.

You can say that again!

Yeah, basically it was
the complete opposite

of what Tom would've done.

[laughter]

We did Paddington proud!

Yes, we did!

Dad... Dad! Where's James?

Well, he came back with us
to the hotel

but said he needed
to get some air.

Something about gathering
his thoughts.

[Grandad] He could be throwing
up again.

Er, now then Anthony.

Let’s not break the code
of honour.

Er, Mum, I’m just
gonna go find him.

Yeah. Alright, love.

[Geoff] Oh yeah, yeah.
Erm, you know...

Just in time for the fireworks.

Yeah.

Ah... Jam roly-poly!

- [Geoff] Eh?
- [Grandad] The 13th dessert.

[Diane] Okay, I have no idea
what any of you people

are talking about.

[romantic music]

- L’appel du vide!
- Jesus...

- [James laughs]
- The call of the void.

An inexplicable urge,

a desire to throw oneself
from a great height.

Oh, no, I wasn’t...

- I’m not trying to...
- Sometimes for no reason at all.

No, I’m, I know, I’m just...
That’s not...

What are you doing up here?

What are any of us doing here?

If not waiting to see
the fireworks.

You know they filmed Spectre
over there?

I think I’m going to ask Hayley
to marry me.

- Oh, I don’t blame you.
- Really, yeah?

- Yeah, she’s so hot.
- Yeah.

Wait, are you hammered?

Yeah, a little bit.

Quite a bit.

Have you got a ring?

Yes.

Sort of, no. I’ve, erm...

Ta da!

Didn’t you get her one
for Christmas?

Erm... no.

I got her a Fitbit.

Oh, yes. Okay, no,
I’m getting the vibe.

Mhm. This is a, this is a fun,

spontaneous, ‘laissez-faire’
sort of thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

- Yeah?
- Yeah...

Oh god...

- [James gasps]
- Okay Huby. Don’t start pacing!

Yeah, well, I’ve just,
my heart's racing and I’ve...

I’ve had loads of caffeine!

So, erm...

Okay, let’s just...
Let’s just take it down a gear.

Come and sit with me.

[lounge music]

Okay.

Do you know what you’re
going to say?

Not really.

Do you want to practice?

Practice?

Yeah. Go on.

Like when we were ten
and we used to...

Oh, when we practiced kissing?
Yes, erm...

Awful.

Hey! I am a great kisser!

- No comment.
- [Bea gasps]

Come on.

As if I’m Hayley.

Okay. Yep.

Erm... right.

[gargles & burps] Sorry.

Oof, don’t do that for starters!

- [Bea coughing]
- Sorry. Erm...

As if you’re Hayley.

Hayley Taylor.

I didn't think you wanted me
to do this

and so I haven’t...

up until right now.

But the truth is I have been
wanting to ask you to marry me

since the moment we met.

And...

I feel like...

I feel like in this life

we’re all just...

a box of little jigsaw pieces

that have all been
spilt out randomly.

And sometimes,
against all the odds,

a few lucky people find
the piece that fits them.

The piece that
when you’re with them,

they help you see

what part you are
in the bigger picture.

And that’s you.

You’re my piece that fits.

Oh James.

- I do.
- [James laughs]

[kissing]

Thanks.

Hayley...

Hi.

Hayley, wait!

Oh! Hayley!

Hayley!

Hayley...

[intense music]

- Hayley!
- No...

- Hayley!
- Leave me alone.

Don’t. That is absolutely not
what it looked like.

That was exactly what
it looked like.

No, she’s like a sister to me.

People don’t do that with
their sisters, James!

This is not Game of Thrones!

Do you want to know what it was?
It was, er...

It was practice.

It was practice...

for this.

For you.

Marry me.

What is that?

It’s a ring.

It’s all I could find.

But it’s fun.

It’s spontaneous!

[fireworks explode]

Laissez-faire.

But you haven’t got a ring?

Well, it’s not about
the ring though.

It’s about you and me.

What about the washbag?

What washbag?

Oh my god.

H.J.H.

They’re your Dad’s initials
as well.

- Yeah.
- Oh...

It wasn’t yours.

It was never yours.

Oh my god, you were never
going to ask me!

I was. I’ve always wanted
to ask you, Hayley.

And I am asking you now.

No, not really.

Right now you’re just...

just a drunk man with
a souvenir keyring.

No, I’m not drunk.

I’ve had five tiny coffees.

I don’t know what
to believe anymore.

And I have got you...

a present.

And I wanted to give it to you
at the fireworks.

Are you moving to L.A.?

What?

Are you going to film school
in L.A.

and you haven’t told me?

No...

I’ve been really trying
to tell you

- and I wanted to talk...
- Are you going or not?

No. No, I'm...

Maybe.

I don’t know.

But you could... come with me.

How? I can’t just move to L.A.

Yeah, but you could.

And we’d make it work.
And I would sort it.

I don’t want you to sort it.

- I’m not a charity case, James.
- I know.

- And I have got plans of my own,
- I know.

Thank you very much.

In my world,

people don’t get everything
handed to them on a plate.

You do.

She does.

So yeah, maybe that is why
you two fit together.

Okay, please stop worrying
about Bea.

She’s into you if anything.

No, no. This isn’t about Bea.

This is about me and you,

and what happens outside
of the bubble

that we’ve created
for ourselves.

Because outside of that bubble

are two completely
separate worlds.

- I know.
- One that you live in,

and one that I do.

Ski slopes and...

and Laser Quest.

And I know, if it isn’t Bea,

it will be someone else
down the line.

It will be a Celeste or a Freya
or a Veronica...

[James] Hayley,
what are you talking about?

Someone from your world
who can just go to L.A.

Someone that you can
“summer” with.

Someone that can, that can
ski the flippin’ Gauntlet!

I am not that person!

And I never wanna be
that person!

I’ve never asked you
to be that person.

I’ve never asked you
to be that person!

- Oh, just don't...
- Hayley!

No... Leave me alone!

I just, I don’t wanna
see you anymore.

[fireworks exploding]

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat music]

♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪

♪ Shorty, treat me nice ♪

♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪

♪ Shorty, treat me nice ♪

Boys, boys, boys...
Don’t go too far, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh...

[fireworks exploding]

Oh, look!

[laughter]

[Ant] Wait, where
we going again?

If we get close enough,
we might singe our eyebrows.

Wait, actually?

- Yeah!
- Ah, sick!

Yaaaargh!

Aaargh! Krampus!
Aaargh!

Aaargh! Krampus!

[Dec] Gilet wasn’t lying!

I love Christmas.

Boys... boys, the f...

- Aaargh! Krampus!
- Boys!

- [laughter]
- [sighs]

[fireworks exploding]

[Geoff] Would you look at that,
eh, Humph.

It’s somet else,
all this up here.

What did he just say?

Look, I was thinking,

you lot should stay
in the apartment tonight.

We can easily double up
and make room.

It's no trouble.

- No, no...
- That's so kind of you, Humph...

- No...
- [Humphrey] No trouble.

That’s alright,
isn’t it darling?

Erm, sure!

It’ll be just like being
in a dorm back at college,

or that time I joined a cult.

Well, we can go if you prefer?

No. Not at all.

I just think that maybe there’s
a lesson to be learnt here.

Oh?

That you should never be
too proud

to accept the offer of a gift.

There, I’ve said it!

Do you know what,
sometimes Diane,

I don’t think your hot takes

are as refreshing
as you think they are.

[scoffs] Not what the
New York Times said.

Look, the point Diane
is trying to make

is if you’d let me go ahead and
sort out the whole booking,

then a lot of this fuss could
have been avoided. That’s all.

Mum! Mum!

[Hayley sobbing]

Woah! Woah, woah,
what’s up, what’s up?

Me and James...

What? What’s happened?

Please can we just go home?

Please, I just really, really,
really want to go home.

Yeah, so do I.

Yeah. Okay. Geoff,
go get the bags.

And the boys.

Eh? But it’s...

Geoff. Now!

[Hayley mumbling]

Yeah. Okay.

Thirteen desserts...

If you want my advice...

Do you know what, Diane, no.

No, we don’t.

Actually...

FYI,

if it had been down to me,

we would never have come here
in the first place.

- Oh...
- No, we wouldn’t.

You should be at home
for Christmas,

not somewhere like this
with people like you.

Did you understand
my accent then?

Perfectly clear.

Good.

Come on...

Sorry.

- [Grandad sighs]
- Come on, Dad.

[Kaye] I was enjoying them
fireworks, weren’t you, Dad?

What was that all about?

I have no idea.

[melancholic music]

[phone buzzing]

[Hayley, on answerphone]
Hiya, this is Hayley.

I can’t take your call
right now,

but if you’d like to
leave a message,

I’ll get back to you
as soon as I can.

Thank you!
[beep]

[dramatic music]

Thanks.

[Humphrey sighs]

Well, it’s times like this
I miss your mother the most.

She would have known exactly
what to say right now.

I would imagine it would be
something practical,

along the lines of...

“Have a hot shower,
get yourself to bed.

Nothing ever gets properly fixed
on the wrong side of midnight.”

That is exactly the sort
of thing she’d have said.

I can’t believe it’s been
five years.

Five years ago today.

It's like...

the sun went down

and never came back up.

I know.

Look, I don’t want you
to think that I’m

trying to replace her.

Dad, I don’t.

I really don’t.

[tender music]

I think you’ve found exactly
the sort of woman you need

to pull you back into life.

And Mum would have wanted that.

And I want that.

Thank you.

Hey, look...

Incredible to think that
they’re all suns too.

Just a bit further away.

[sighs] Right...

Have a hot shower,

and get yourself to bed.

Nothing ever gets properly fixed
the wrong side of midnight.

Goodnight.

Night, son.

[wind howling]

[Dec] Does this place even have
an omelette station?

Those days are over for us, bro.

Those days are over.

Oh... Ugh...

Oh, come on now.
Try and get some sleep.

I always knew this day
would happen.

I just don’t belong
in his world.

And if we had got married,

that is where I would have
ended up.

And I just don’t,

I do not wanna spend
the rest of my life

being the exception in the room.
I don’t.

You don’t have to worry
about that now.

And we are going home tomorrow.

Alright?

[kiss] Night night, love.

Night night.

[Hayley sighs]

[Gerhard speaking German]

Good morning.
Everything is okay?

Ja, danke.

I am sorry that you
do not appear

to be very hungry this morning.

I must admit things
are certainly

a little bit quieter around here

without the rest of your party.

I miss the noise.

- [horn honking]
- Boys!

- [horn honking]
- Boys!

[upbeat music]

I don’t believe it.
A snow truck!

Well, you getting in or not?

But where are we going?

We’re going to get you
what the ‘F’ you want.

[Diane] Come on! This’ll get us
there in no time.

Mind the...
That’s it, I’ve got you.

Right, uh...

[engine revs]

[triumphant music]

Hayley!

Hayley?

Hayley!

[bleating]

You are already too late.

[sombre music]

Right, close it like that.

You can open it like that...

- [Geoff sighs]
- Isn’t there usually a TV?

Right, we’ll get home,

make a brew, stick on a film.

- The Sound of Music?
- Absolutely not.

Muppet’s Christmas Carol.

And then tomorrow,

we’re doing Christmas Day
all over again, properly.

None of that five-star rubbish.

And then we never,
ever have to have a Christmas

away from home again. Ever.

- Leave means leave!
- No, it’s not about that, boys.

Here, do they think they’re
still serving breakfast?

[Kaye] You’ve just eaten.

- [laughter]
- Well, I’m hungry.

[announcement in German]

[Grandad] My whole life,

people tried to tell me
where I belong.

When we got married,

they’d tell your Grandma and me
we didn’t belong together.

And even after many years,

there were still some people
in power

trying to tell me if I belong.

One thing I’ve come to know
is this:

You are the only person
in this life

who gets to decide
where you belong.

Now, I’m not gonna be here
much longer

and I have made my peace
with that,

so when I’m gone,

you remember this for me.

Wherever you get yourself
in life,

that’s where you belong.

And if you are the exception
in the room, child,

it is because you
are exceptional.

Do you understand me?

Grandad, I...

[snoring]

[beep]

[uplifting music]

[flight attendant] On behalf
of Captain Miller and the crew,

we would like to wish you
a pleasant flight.

[jet engines revving]

[flight attendant speaking
in German]

Erm... excuse me?

Excuse me!

I, I need to get off this plane!

- [Geoff] Eh?
- Excuse me, Fräulein,

the plane is about to take off.
Please take your seat.

No, no, it can’t take off,
'cause I need to get off!

Hayley!

We have taxied and
we’re preparing for take-off.

Can we just stop the plane, now?

It’s a hijacking!

This plane will not stop.

[brakes screeching]

[captain] Ladies and gentlemen,
we apologise for the delay.

On the runway ahead of us
there appears to be an...

obstruction.

[triumphant music]

- [bleating]
- Here boy!

[gasps] Do you want more?

[bleating]

Stay there, Klausie.

[kissing]

- You flippin’ lunatic!
- [James laughs]

What were you doing back there?

Ever since we got here,
I have been wanting to kiss you.

And I guess I couldn’t
let you go

without giving it another try.

[Hayley laughs]

I know you said we’re
from different worlds,

and you’re right.

But the only world
I wanna live in

is the one where we get
to be together.

And if that means

we have to build our own,
then that’s what we’ll do.

We are meant to be,
you know that?

[Hayley gasps]

A very wise man once told me,

"when you know, you know."

And I think I’ve known since
the first moment that I met ya.

Now...

stop talking and kiss me.

[triumphant music]

- Hey, hey, hey!
- [clapping]

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey...

we need to go now.

My brother’s shift
is going to end.

Come on...

Come on!

- [Kath] Aww!
- [kissing]

[Geoff] Put me daughter down!

Geoff, go get the bags.

What, again?

[Hayley] Santa Paws!

[cheering, laughter]

I’m gonna say it...

that was one too many deserts.

Oh...

Definitely.

[Diane] Look, Kath,

I don’t really do apologies.

Oh, sorry. I thought there was
gonna be a ‘but’ after that.

Give me a second,
I’m building up to it.

But...

If I overstepped the mark,
I really am very sorry.

And I am also sorry 'cause I...

I shouldn’t have snapped
at you like that.

And if it means anything to you,

if I had what you have,

I would be too proud too.

Thank you, Diane.

It does.

And I got you a present.

- Aah!
- [Geoff] Ooh!

It’s your book, isn’t it?

- A New York Times Bestseller.
- Yeah.

[laughs] Thank you.

A toast.

To family.

Present and absent.

But always with us.

And... to new friends.

No matter how hard they are
to understand.

[laughter]

And... to snow trucks.

[group] To snow trucks!

- Yes... [laughs]
- [Geoff] Cheers!

[Kaye] Cheers.

I suppose it's a cheat day
for us, isn't it, darling?

Next year, I want us to spend
Christmas at home.

[laughs] No problem, Dad.

Macclesfield it is.

No, girl. You misunderstand.

Home, home.

[table chatter]

Son, er,

maybe now is the time
to give you

your other Christmas present.

I, I don’t...

It was the ring I gave
to your mother

all those years ago.

I thought perhaps
that one day...

you might have some use for it.

Thank you.

[Geoff] We can put it
in tin foil

- and put it in the hand luggage.
- [Kath] We're not putting...

We'll put it in the
hand luggage!

- You can't leave that...
- Are you joking?

And, er...

whoever it is that you choose...

[laughter]

Your Lordship.

Might I borrow him for a second?

Er, yes, you may.

Come on. Come with me.

[giggles] See? I told you
it’d be fine.

Ah...

Do you think we’ll ever
have a Christmas

where it’s just the two of us?

Ah, what?

In our flat?

You opened it.

Yeah, of course!

And yeah, I would love to move
in with you, James.

But only if you go to
film school in L.A.

You have to go.
I think it’ll be amazing for ya.

And what about us?

Well, maybe I’ll come with ya,

maybe I won’t.

But I think we can cope
with a bit of water

between us for 12 months.

But come with me, yeah?

[Hayley giggles]

Hey, James Hughes,

you haven’t opened
my Christmas present yet.

Aah! It really was a card.

- Ooh...
- You weren’t joking.

Open it!

[romantic music]

When did you write this?

About six weeks ago.

Do you like it?

Yes, Hayley.

The answer’s yes.

[passionate music]

[laughter]

[family chatter]

[Hayley & James]
We're engaged!

- [Kath] What?
- [screaming & cheering]

[festive music]

♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful ♪

♪ So frightful ♪

♪ But the fire
is so delightful ♪

♪ So delightful ♪

♪ And since we’ve
no place to go ♪

I thought you’d never ask.

Dad!

Get a bit of swing going here.

Come on, Humph!

♪ Man, it doesn’t show signs
of stopping ♪

♪ And I’ve brought
some corn... ♪

What?

Oh, alright then. Alright.

Go on, Dad.

♪ Let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ When we finally
kiss goodnight ♪

♪ How I hate going out... ♪

What’s going on?

♪ But if you really
hold me tight ♪

Don’t lose it.

[laughter]

♪ Oh the fire is slowly dying ♪

[Humphrey growls]

It's too big. [laughs]

♪ But as long as you
love me so ♪

Let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow!

Oh! Hey...

[laughter]

Oh, now you’re gonna get it! Oh!

- Alright Humph.
- Here we go, love.

[Geoff] Here we go!

♪ When we finally
kiss goodnight ♪

Oh, there’s another one.
[laughter]

♪ I hate going out in a storm ♪

♪ But if you really grab
me tight ♪

♪ All the way home
I’ll be warm ♪

Yeah!

♪ The fire is slowly dying ♪

You’ve got the moves, eh?

♪ But as long
as you love me so ♪

- Aaah.
- Ooh.

- She’s coming back.
- You’d better get us out.

♪ Let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow ♪

[laughter]

[cheering]

Woo!

[cheering & applause]

[Geoff] Get a room!

[outro music]

♪ When the snowman brings
the snow ♪

♪ Well he just might like
to know ♪

♪ He put a great big smile
on somebody’s face ♪

Come on, Diane. You’re up!

Come and join us.

- Love it!
- Oh, no, no, no. No.

Come on.

- Come on, Humph!
- Really?

- Get on your feet. Come on...
- I don’t know this.

Hey, everyone knows this!

♪ Well I wish could be
Christmas every day ♪

We don’t have this song at home.

♪ When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play ♪

Ooh...

♪ Oh, I wish could be Christmas
every day ♪

- Come on, Dad!
- Up you come!

♪ So let the bells ring out
for Christmas ♪

- Oh no, there’s more.
- Right, dance break!

I can do a caterpillar.

[squealing & laughter]

- [Kath] Do you like it?
- [Diane] Yeah!

It’s the caterpillar!

Conga...

One, two, three... Woo!

Hold on, woo!

♪ Well he just might
like to know ♪

♪ He put a great big smile
on somebody’s face ♪

♪ So if Santa brings
the sleigh ♪

♪ All along the Milky Way ♪

♪ I’ll sign my name
on the rooftop in the snow ♪

♪ Then he may decide to stay ♪

♪ Well, I wish could be
Christmas every day ♪

♪ When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play ♪

♪ Oh I wish could be Christmas
every day ♪

♪ So let the bells ring out
for Christmas ♪

Grandad, up you come!

♪ Why don't you give your love ♪

♪ For... ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

Where the F did that come from?

To love, to marriage.

- [cheering]
- I’m amazing!

Merry Christmas!