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1
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:07,610
Oscar, I'm home.
2
00:00:07,670 --> 00:00:08,856
I'm working.
3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,150
Hi.
4
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:15,910
I picked up some Danish
at the Jewish bakery.
5
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:22,210
Has there been a parade?
6
00:00:25,430 --> 00:00:26,850
Did the window washer come?
7
00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:28,736
Yeah. Felix, I'm kind of
loaded down with deadlines,
8
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,786
Okay. so try to leave
me alone, will you?
9
00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,780
Did he do a good job?
10
00:00:34,790 --> 00:00:37,196
The prices we're
paying these days,
11
00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,536
every window should
be sparkling like...
12
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,966
Oscar, look at that! What now?!
13
00:00:41,990 --> 00:00:44,016
Look at that smudge!
They're terrible!
14
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,440
It's just as bad as before!
15
00:00:45,510 --> 00:00:47,240
So? We're on the eleventh floor.
16
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,870
Who's going to
see? The flying nun?
17
00:00:50,370 --> 00:00:52,070
Did you inspect his work?
18
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,740
No. He stayed on his side of
the window, I stayed on mine.
19
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,080
He didn't inspect me, either.
20
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,700
You'd be satisfied
living in a dungeon!
21
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,686
You may be happy looking
out filthy windows. I'm not!
22
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:04,836
Close the drapes.
I'm busy, will you?
23
00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:07,346
He saw that you didn't
care, so he did a sloppy job.
24
00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:10,370
Not as sloppy as I'm
doing. I'm getting out of here.
25
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,846
Go ahead. Go. 50
pound typewriter.
26
00:01:12,870 --> 00:01:15,570
Should be used to
your indifference by now.
27
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,666
Do you know there's
ketchup on the windowsill?
28
00:01:17,690 --> 00:01:20,710
No, but if you hum a few
bars, maybe I'll remember it.
29
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:22,776
Go on, get out of here.
30
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,010
Let Felix do the dirty
work. He's used to it.
31
00:01:26,070 --> 00:01:28,640
I'm ashamed of the neighbors
with windows like this.
32
00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:34,810
Ah! Ha-ha!
33
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,840
On November 13,
Felix Unger was asked
34
00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:48,510
to remove himself from
his place of residence.
35
00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:51,380
That request came from his wife.
36
00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:53,856
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
37
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,080
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
38
00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,910
With nowhere else to go,
39
00:01:58,990 --> 00:02:01,026
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
40
00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:03,200
Several years earlier,
41
00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:05,316
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
42
00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:07,586
requesting that he never return.
43
00:02:07,610 --> 00:02:10,156
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
44
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:12,740
without driving
each other crazy?
45
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,530
♪ ♪
46
00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:42,770
♪ ♪
47
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:08,500
Eh-heh-heh!
48
00:03:10,470 --> 00:03:12,370
Heh-heh!
49
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,786
Eh-heh-heh! What
are you doing, Felix?
50
00:03:14,810 --> 00:03:16,986
Cleaning the windows in
the downstairs apartment?
51
00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:19,570
Oscar! Oscar! Felix!
52
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,620
Help me! Ooh! Save me!
53
00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:23,266
Give me your hand!
Give me your hand!
54
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,766
Oh!
55
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,636
Watch your head. Eh-heh-heh!
56
00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:28,366
I've got you! I've
got you! Eh-ha!
57
00:03:28,390 --> 00:03:30,620
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
58
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,960
You're all right.
59
00:03:35,670 --> 00:03:37,576
Oh! Oh! Oh, no! Let go
60
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,416
Let go. You're
all right. Let go.
61
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,676
You're all right.
62
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,430
Oh, oh, Oscar!
63
00:03:42,510 --> 00:03:45,510
Oh, you saved my life!
What were you doing?
64
00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:47,786
Oh, I was reaching for a
smudge on the windowpane.
65
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,956
You could have been a
smudge on the sidewalk!
66
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,426
Oh, Oscar, I thought
I was a goner.
67
00:03:52,450 --> 00:03:54,156
You know something? What?
68
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:57,200
My whole life passed before me.
69
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,950
I remembered where
I lost my skate key.
70
00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,050
Your skate key?
71
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,950
When I was 11 years old,
I lost my roller skate key.
72
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:08,100
My father was so mad at me.
73
00:04:08,170 --> 00:04:10,176
But when I was
hanging out there,
74
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,446
I remembered where I put
it... Under the icebox pan.
75
00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,740
I'll bet it's still there.
76
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,246
Good, we'll go to
Toledo. I'll take a look.
77
00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:20,356
Look, I gotta go back.. Oscar,
please, please. I'm so cold!
78
00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:22,386
Maybe I need a
little drink, huh?
79
00:04:22,410 --> 00:04:23,826
All right, all right.
You're all right.
80
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,140
Oh, Oscar.
81
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:29,260
It's a terrible thing to
be so close to death.
82
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,890
Suddenly you're face to
face with the grim reaper.
83
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,660
Let me tell you,
kiddo, I'm shaken.
84
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:38,006
Here. Un-shake.
Drink this. Here.
85
00:04:38,030 --> 00:04:41,500
I remembered... remembered
my first girlfriend in school.
86
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,810
Big Bertha, we called her.
87
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,440
She used to chase
me home with a stick.
88
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:52,300
I remembered... my best
friend in the first grade.
89
00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:54,010
His name was Orville Krueger.
90
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,680
He had a strange shaped head.
91
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:00,940
His mother used to let
out one side of his hat.
92
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:05,850
Will you forget about Big
Bertha and your lopsided friends?
93
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,616
I got to go to work...
Oscar, I'm cold. I'm just cold.
94
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,786
- Oh... come on.
- Oh, Oscar!
95
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,056
What? Here. If it
hadn't been for you,
96
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,786
it would have been
bye-bye Unger!
97
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,726
Yeah. Bye-bye, Unger.
I got to go to work...
98
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:20,470
No, Oscar... I'll never
forget you for this, never.
99
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:23,640
I owe you my life.
I'll pay you back.
100
00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:24,916
You want to pay me back?
101
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:26,386
Pass out, will you, so
I can go back to work!
102
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,756
Take this, will you?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
103
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:30,456
Maybe I'll get a
little nap. Right.
104
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,856
I'll forget the horror
I've been through. Yeah.
105
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,726
Oh... It'll be all right.
Everything will work out.
106
00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,566
Oh, Oscar... will
you do me a favor?
107
00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:38,166
Anything, just what do you want?
108
00:05:38,190 --> 00:05:40,930
Wipe the ketchup
off the windowsill.
109
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:56,016
What are you doing?
I just want coffee.
110
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,320
No, no, no, no, no.
111
00:05:57,370 --> 00:05:59,270
Coffee is not enough for a hero.
112
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:01,056
I've prepared a special
breakfast for you.
113
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,726
I don't want any
breakfast... Eggs Benedict!
114
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,356
I don't have time
for eggs Benedict.
115
00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,740
Then just have an egg Ben.
116
00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:09,866
Come on, will you, Felix?
Still on the grateful kick?
117
00:06:09,890 --> 00:06:11,936
Cut it out, will you?
You'll make me very fat.
118
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,236
Oscar...
119
00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:16,330
when one man has
saved another man's life,
120
00:06:16,390 --> 00:06:18,786
gratitude, believe
me, comes easily.
121
00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,936
Yeah. Now I have
a surprise for you.
122
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,800
What? Here's something
I prepared last night.
123
00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:36,850
I'll put it in my new wallet.
124
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,096
What did you do that for?
125
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,890
It's just a tribute to you.
126
00:06:41,950 --> 00:06:45,450
My humble way of showing
my gratitude to a great guy.
127
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,850
And that's not all. Wait.
128
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,336
More? Yes.
129
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,700
What do you have in there?
130
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,600
What could you do this...
Music with your breakfast!
131
00:06:56,830 --> 00:07:00,350
Your favorite tune.
132
00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:07,450
It's "Home on the Range."
133
00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:44,300
♪ ♪
134
00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:56,890
Yes, Mr. Unger, I'm
spraying right now.
135
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,340
Yes.
136
00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:01,156
Pine...
137
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,380
Pine Wood, yes.
138
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:07,220
Mr. Unger, everything is just
the way you wanted it, see?
139
00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:09,490
You can't see. Trust me.
140
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,690
Yes, I'm standing up straight.
141
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,360
Mr. Unger, I am not slumping.
142
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,410
He's coming. Good-bye.
143
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,710
Good morning, Myrna.
Good morning, Mr. Madison.
144
00:08:22,790 --> 00:08:24,526
Did I ever tell you
you are beautiful?
145
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:27,220
No, nobody has.
146
00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:30,200
What do they know?
You're a sight for sore eye...
147
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,556
What are you smelling?
What are you using?
148
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,476
Pine perfume? Yes.
149
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,770
You smell like a log cabin.
150
00:08:36,830 --> 00:08:40,250
But I'm still happy to be
here, away from that pest.
151
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,026
What pest? My roommate.
152
00:08:42,050 --> 00:08:44,850
I love you, I love my
office, I love my desk...
153
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,650
What happened to my desk?
154
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:48,836
Nice, huh? What
do you mean, nice?
155
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:50,276
It's all cleaned and
there's flowers there.
156
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,850
What is it, a desk or a park?
157
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:55,610
Well, it was so cluttered,
and you couldn't find anything,
158
00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:58,250
so... Now, I can't
find anything!
159
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,096
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
160
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,820
Where'd you put my
cigars? In the top left drawer.
161
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,650
Top left drawer's locked
where my cigars are.
162
00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:08,236
Why is it locked where my
cigars are? I need a cigar.
163
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:09,690
Try one of these instead.
164
00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:13,210
Does Fidel Castro
smoke a carrot?
165
00:09:13,270 --> 00:09:15,416
Myrna, this in ridiculous.
Now, what's going on?
166
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,916
Well, that's what I told him.
Told who? Who did you tell?
167
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:19,086
You told who? Nobody.
168
00:09:19,110 --> 00:09:20,286
Talk, honey, talk! No, please.
169
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,386
You better talk.
170
00:09:21,410 --> 00:09:23,256
Remember, you still
have folks up in the Bronx.
171
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,886
Come on, Felix... Felix
reached you, didn't he?
172
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:27,156
It was Felix, wasn't it?
Tell the truth! It was Felix!
173
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:29,056
Yes, yes! Mr. Unger
made me do it
174
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,926
and he made me
promise not to tell you
175
00:09:30,950 --> 00:09:33,570
and I told you and I'm sorry
and I can't keep a secret!
176
00:09:35,890 --> 00:09:39,490
You see, Myrna?
There's no place to hide.
177
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:43,980
You're the best
secretary I ever had.
178
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,650
Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.
179
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,020
Now he's ruined you.
180
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,306
Now, don't feel too
bad. He's ruined me, too.
181
00:09:53,330 --> 00:09:55,130
But he said you saved his life.
182
00:09:55,190 --> 00:09:56,856
Yeah, and for that
he's trying to kill me.
183
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,636
Where's the stuff you
took from my desk?
184
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:01,346
I put it in a box. Yeah,
well, bring it here, will you?
185
00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:03,316
But... Bring it, will you?!
186
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:05,816
I'm not going to let him beat
me with those eggs Benedict
187
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,346
and that saxophone,
that cockamamie picture
188
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:08,646
with the "thanks" on it!
189
00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:10,556
Now let's get back to
the way things were.
190
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:12,010
What is that? What is that?
191
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,550
Slump!
192
00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:32,706
May I come in?
193
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,060
What is it, Felix?
194
00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:36,946
I... I wanted to apologize
to you. For what?
195
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,510
Well, for being silly.
196
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:40,846
That playing the
sax sort of thing.
197
00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:44,056
That has no lasting value,
so I... Yeah, I'll buy that.
198
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,256
You're putting me down,
aren't you? That's very funny...
199
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,156
No, I didn't mean to put you
down... No, no, no. That's all right.
200
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,556
Put me down. Anything you want.
201
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:54,096
I want you to put me down.
202
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,166
No, what do you want,
Felix? I mean it sincerely.
203
00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:58,036
I want you to put me
down anytime you...
204
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:00,650
Felix, tell me what you want
or I'll put you down with this!
205
00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:02,220
I'm sorry. I...
206
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,786
I guess I'm an awful
pain in the neck
207
00:11:04,810 --> 00:11:06,730
to you sometimes.
208
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,770
Well, anyway, I...
209
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,316
I realized that
playing the sax was...
210
00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:14,010
It falls so far short
211
00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:16,630
of any kind of decent
tribute to you that I...
212
00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:19,906
What is it? Look at it.
213
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,330
What I want to do...
214
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,800
is buy time on a local radio
station and have this taped
215
00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:26,776
so that people
everywhere will know
216
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,360
what kind of guy you really are.
217
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,170
"The following is a commercial
announcement for Oscar Madison."
218
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:39,680
♪ "O" is for the
oldest friend I know ♪
219
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:43,020
♪ "S" is for the way
he saved my life ♪
220
00:11:43,090 --> 00:11:49,150
♪ "C" stands for
courage and... ♪
221
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:53,580
♪ "A" is the alertness
that he showed ♪
222
00:11:53,650 --> 00:11:58,290
♪ "R" means risk and
he took a big one ♪
223
00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:03,780
♪ "M-A-D" is what
he gets at me ♪
224
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,150
♪ But I... ♪
225
00:12:06,210 --> 00:12:11,900
♪ Feel like a "S-O-N" to him ♪
226
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,180
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
227
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,360
♪ That's Oscar Madison ♪
228
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,840
♪ He's big daddy... ♪
229
00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:22,040
♪ To us all! ♪
230
00:12:33,490 --> 00:12:35,896
I understand your
problem, Oscar,
231
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,436
but what, what can I do?
232
00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:40,100
Well, there must be
some legal recourse.
233
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,730
He's a public nuisance.
234
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:43,236
Give me protection! Oscar,
235
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:45,820
it's not a crime to
do things for people.
236
00:12:45,870 --> 00:12:47,106
Now, should he commit a crime,
237
00:12:47,130 --> 00:12:48,976
I'd be happy to
arrest him for it. Yeah?
238
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,046
Will you look the
other way if I kill him?
239
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:53,830
Oscar, I'm a policeman,
240
00:12:53,910 --> 00:12:55,466
so please don't
ask for any favors.
241
00:12:55,490 --> 00:12:57,806
Don't you see I haven't
slept since that night?
242
00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:59,876
He comes into my room
every hour on the hour
243
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:01,106
to see if I'm all right.
244
00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:02,746
He feels my forehead,
he takes my pulse.
245
00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:05,150
Aw, gee, that's swell.
246
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:07,010
It ain't swell!
247
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:08,686
If I wanted to live
with my grandmother,
248
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:10,010
I'd move to Poughkeepsie.
249
00:13:10,070 --> 00:13:11,916
Oscar, I'm home!
250
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:13,500
My luck, so am I.
251
00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:14,786
Murray!
252
00:13:14,810 --> 00:13:16,026
Hi! Hi, Felix.
253
00:13:16,050 --> 00:13:17,380
What a pleasant surprise.
254
00:13:17,450 --> 00:13:19,420
You staying for dinner?
255
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,156
Well, I'd love to, but I can't.
256
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:22,610
What are we having?
257
00:13:22,690 --> 00:13:25,590
Wiener schnitzel,
for a wonderful man.
258
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:31,950
Gee, I wish I could
speak another language.
259
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,176
Oscar...
260
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,446
I forgot to tell you
what I did for you today.
261
00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:39,776
What? I can hardly wait.
262
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,076
I've arranged for you
263
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,746
to save a fortune in
alimony payments. How?
264
00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:45,896
I spoke to the Internal
Revenue Service.
265
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,800
Internal Revenue?
266
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,450
They're going over
your tax returns
267
00:13:50,510 --> 00:13:51,890
for a new alimony settlement.
268
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,146
You don't mean the
Internal Revenue?
269
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,646
Yes, yes, starting tomorrow,
270
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,276
they're going to pull
all your tax returns
271
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:58,930
for the past five years.
272
00:13:59,010 --> 00:14:00,780
I'll bet they find plenty.
273
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,256
Tell me you didn't do it, Felix,
274
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,580
tell me it's a joke!
275
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,940
I did! I did!
276
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,486
I'll bet I save you a thousand
dollars a year at least.
277
00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:09,326
Felix, they're going to kill me!
278
00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:10,546
You know how I keep books.
279
00:14:10,570 --> 00:14:12,770
I'll go over everything first.
280
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,076
Relax.
281
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,316
Don't worry.
282
00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:16,680
Just remember.
283
00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:19,260
Somebody right here likes you.
284
00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:26,826
What are we going
to do with him?
285
00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:28,256
Lock me, take me
away. Oscar! Oscar!
286
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,696
Hold it, hold it, now, hold it!
287
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,926
I got a great idea. What?
288
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,096
You know what?
289
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,166
Turn the tables on
him like on the TV show
290
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,706
that I saw last week. How? What?
291
00:14:35,730 --> 00:14:37,136
It was hilarious!
What? What happened?
292
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,776
Well, the same thing
happened to the star
293
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,026
that happened
with you and Felix.
294
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,726
Now, you know what he did? What?
295
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,250
First he pretended
296
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,226
like his life needed
saving, you see?
297
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,166
Mm-hmm. Then when the
other joker saved his life,
298
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,346
that evened the
score. Funny, huh?
299
00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:51,116
What do you mean, funny?
That makes a lot of sense.
300
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,856
Tell me how he did
it. How'd he do it?
301
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,986
Well, he choked
on a chicken bone.
302
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:01,460
Osc!
303
00:15:01,530 --> 00:15:04,090
Osc! Yeah, Feel?
304
00:15:04,650 --> 00:15:07,020
Soup's on.
305
00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:08,790
Be right there.
306
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,116
♪ Nights are long
since you been away ♪
307
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,256
♪ I think about you
all through the day ♪
308
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,980
♪ My buddy ♪
309
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:20,020
♪ My buddy... ♪
310
00:15:22,370 --> 00:15:30,370
♪ My buddy... saved my life! ♪
311
00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:36,030
Sir! Here's the place of honor!
312
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,946
The place of honor is changed.
313
00:15:39,970 --> 00:15:42,770
You honor any place you sit.
314
00:15:45,450 --> 00:15:47,380
The wake is over.
315
00:15:47,450 --> 00:15:49,356
No candles? No candles.
316
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:53,930
Listen, I am so grateful to you
317
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,380
for calling me up and telling
me you wanted chicken.
318
00:15:57,460 --> 00:16:00,430
Because there's so
many things I want
319
00:16:00,490 --> 00:16:01,766
to do for you but...
320
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:03,806
I don't know where to start.
321
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,390
And this way you help
me... Not that you have to.
322
00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:09,090
Cause anything
you want, anything...
323
00:16:09,170 --> 00:16:11,870
no matter how wild,
no matter how far out.
324
00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:16,200
If you want it, ask for
it, buddy, you got it!
325
00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:18,160
Shut up.
326
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:21,370
Where's the chicken?
327
00:16:21,430 --> 00:16:23,990
Felix, where's the chicken?
328
00:16:24,970 --> 00:16:27,196
Speak, only if you're going
to tell me where the chicken is.
329
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,916
The chicken is in the pot.
330
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:30,916
Get it, cause
you're in my ulcer.
331
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:33,216
What's this sudden
urge for chicken all of a...
332
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,316
I don't know.
333
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:35,956
I just had a yen for it.
334
00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:37,826
I never knew you to eat chicken
335
00:16:37,850 --> 00:16:39,356
that didn't come
in a bucket. Oh,
336
00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:40,526
I like that man's face.
337
00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:41,896
I trust it, but tonight,
338
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,526
I just wanted home
cooked chicken.
339
00:16:43,550 --> 00:16:44,766
Forget the reason.
340
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:47,710
Oscar Madison, you asked for it!
341
00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:50,190
What kind of chicken is that?
342
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:53,100
Chicken Cartarelli.
343
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,160
I just wanted plain chicken.
344
00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:57,676
Plain chicken is
for a plain man.
345
00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:00,470
You're far from a
plain man, Oscar.
346
00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:01,820
You inspired this.
347
00:17:01,870 --> 00:17:03,546
I think it's the
best I ever made.
348
00:17:03,570 --> 00:17:05,146
Yeah? Well, let
me have it. Yeah.
349
00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:07,100
Try it.
350
00:17:13,130 --> 00:17:14,540
If you like it, nod.
351
00:17:20,020 --> 00:17:21,136
Osc! Hey!
352
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,266
What's the matter?
353
00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:23,436
I'm choking on a bone.
354
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:24,906
No, no, that's impossible.
355
00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:26,286
What's impossible?
Choking to death!
356
00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:28,660
No... it's boneless chicken.
357
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:35,210
No bones? No bones.
358
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,630
How did it walk?
359
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,426
Oscar, could you
see who that is?
360
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:06,696
Yeah, I'll see who...
361
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,566
I wonder who's calling
this time of the night.
362
00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:10,190
I can't imagine who it could be.
363
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,730
Yes, sir, ah, so, Japanese,
364
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:13,336
what are you Japanese,
what are you doing here?
365
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,936
I'll break your butt!
Don't throw that in here!
366
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,106
Felix! Come here!
367
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:17,080
Oh, my God.
368
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:19,036
What? Look, what
he threw in there!
369
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,076
Japanese threw a hand grenade!
370
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,606
A hand grenade! Oh, my God. Oh!
371
00:18:21,630 --> 00:18:22,846
Oh. Don't do that!
372
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,466
Run!
373
00:18:25,490 --> 00:18:26,736
You saved my
life! Save yourself!
374
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,360
Save yourself! Oh!
375
00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,386
You saved my life. We're
even! What's the matter?
376
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,586
What is it?
377
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,806
What?
378
00:18:32,830 --> 00:18:34,680
What is it?
379
00:18:34,750 --> 00:18:36,690
Must be a dud.
380
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:39,690
Well, it was very
brave of you anyway,
381
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,050
and now we're even.
382
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,666
Felix, you shouldn't
have done it.
383
00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:45,066
You could have been killed.
384
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,420
Not very likely.
385
00:18:47,490 --> 00:18:49,790
It's a lighter.
386
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,446
One of the kids from the
building must have been
387
00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:55,656
pulling a prank on you.
388
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,796
Yeah, but you didn't know that.
389
00:18:57,820 --> 00:18:59,180
You did it anyway.
390
00:18:59,260 --> 00:19:00,730
You could have saved my life.
391
00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:02,540
But I didn't.
392
00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:04,256
♪ My buddy ♪
393
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,950
♪ My buddy... ♪
394
00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:08,940
I'm still his buddy.
395
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,396
Bedtime, pal.
396
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,026
Oh, I think I'll
just stay out here
397
00:19:16,050 --> 00:19:17,236
and read a little bit.
398
00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:18,866
You know what's going
to happen, don't you?
399
00:19:18,890 --> 00:19:20,036
You're going to fall asleep.
400
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,486
You're going to get
your clothes all wrinkled.
401
00:19:21,510 --> 00:19:22,566
Oh, I'm fine, pal.
402
00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:24,510
You know what I'll do?
403
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,640
I'll get up early in the morning
and press them for you.
404
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:30,700
Good night, lifesaver.
405
00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:33,300
Good night, lifesavee.
406
00:20:12,490 --> 00:20:14,990
Oh... oh... Felix!
407
00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:16,376
Felix! What?
408
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,676
Oh, I can't breathe!
409
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,116
Oh, I can't breathe!
What's the matter?
410
00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:20,346
What's the matter?
I, I can't breathe.
411
00:20:20,370 --> 00:20:21,816
Oscar... Uh, gas.
412
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,346
Gas. Gas?
413
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:26,116
Oscar! I can't...
414
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:27,656
I can't...
415
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,690
Oh...
416
00:20:55,590 --> 00:20:57,760
Look at this.
417
00:20:57,820 --> 00:20:59,990
Not enough gas to fry an egg
418
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,380
and he passes out.
419
00:21:07,230 --> 00:21:10,960
I could leave, and
nobody would know.
420
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:18,300
All right, let's
go, wise fellow.
421
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,556
I'm telling you, Nancy,
if he doesn't cut it out,
422
00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:23,140
they're going to put me away.
423
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:25,326
He's in my room now
shining my shoe trees.
424
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,726
Yeah, I'm still going to
give him one more try.
425
00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:29,796
If that doesn't work, I'm
going to throw him out.
426
00:21:29,820 --> 00:21:32,450
I'm going to get him to
save me the way I saved him.
427
00:21:32,530 --> 00:21:33,706
I can't explain now.
428
00:21:33,730 --> 00:21:35,010
I'll call later. Bye bye, honey.
429
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,126
Hi, Felix.
430
00:21:37,150 --> 00:21:38,706
Hey, Felix, listen, you...
431
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:40,280
can empty the trash can now.
432
00:21:40,350 --> 00:21:41,870
I finished typing.
433
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,010
Thank you, Oscar.
434
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:47,296
Yeah, I want to
see the Big Dipper.
435
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,796
Cause it's out tonight.
I don't want to miss it.
436
00:21:48,820 --> 00:21:50,206
You want me to
photograph it for you?
437
00:21:50,230 --> 00:21:52,266
When you come back,
it'd be nice. All right.
438
00:21:52,290 --> 00:21:55,270
Gee, you need a
new basket, don't you?
439
00:21:55,350 --> 00:21:56,950
I'll buy you a nice wicker one.
440
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,390
Better yet,
441
00:21:59,470 --> 00:22:02,030
I'll take a course
and weave you one.
442
00:22:14,170 --> 00:22:16,100
Boy.
443
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,850
Help! Help!
444
00:22:25,910 --> 00:22:27,036
Help!
445
00:22:27,060 --> 00:22:29,076
Help! Oscar?
446
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,876
Help! Help! Oh, trouble!
447
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:32,500
I'm getting out of here!
448
00:22:32,570 --> 00:22:34,046
Help! Oscar, hey!
449
00:22:34,070 --> 00:22:36,326
What are you doing out there?
450
00:22:36,350 --> 00:22:37,750
I'm doing chin-ups.
451
00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:39,136
Chin-ups? I thought
you were Felix.
452
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,206
Did you see him on
your way in here? Yeah,
453
00:22:41,230 --> 00:22:42,976
he went down in an
apartment down the hall.
454
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,176
Oh, well, he'll be coming back.
455
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,106
Get out of here, will
you? Oh, I just came by
456
00:22:46,130 --> 00:22:47,606
to see if the chicken
bone thing worked.
457
00:22:47,630 --> 00:22:48,846
No, he made boneless chicken.
458
00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:51,810
Well, it won't work
without a bone, Oscar.
459
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,470
Good-bye, Murray.
460
00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:55,686
Go take some graft, will you?
461
00:22:55,710 --> 00:22:57,780
Thanks. Thanks.
462
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,270
Sports writers... all alike.
463
00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:01,780
Help!
464
00:23:01,850 --> 00:23:03,490
Help! Help!
465
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:05,816
Help! Mr. Madison...
466
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,260
Oh, my luck!
467
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,446
I don't believe it.
468
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:10,300
What were you doing?
469
00:23:10,370 --> 00:23:12,366
I was practicing
for a fire drill. Oh.
470
00:23:12,390 --> 00:23:13,806
Did you see Mr. Unger out there?
471
00:23:13,830 --> 00:23:14,906
No, was I supposed to?
472
00:23:14,930 --> 00:23:16,006
What do you want, Myrna?
473
00:23:16,030 --> 00:23:17,476
I have to pick up another copy
474
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,636
of yesterday's column
475
00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:20,456
cause the printer
lost a couple of pages.
476
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,626
So what are you
getting undressed for?
477
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,226
Come on, I'll give
it to you right away.
478
00:23:24,450 --> 00:23:25,780
Oscar!
479
00:23:25,860 --> 00:23:27,566
Mrs. Johnson just called
me in her apartment.
480
00:23:27,590 --> 00:23:29,736
There's a man hanging
out the window on this floor!
481
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,040
She couldn't see where it was...
482
00:23:36,070 --> 00:23:38,220
You have a nice room.
483
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,840
Help!
484
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,760
Mr. Madison, there's a
person hanging there.
485
00:23:47,830 --> 00:23:50,110
He usually is.
486
00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:52,226
So, you're not going to
help... All right, forget it.
487
00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:54,096
Don't ask any questions,
Myrna, just go, will you?
488
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,256
The bigger they are, the
weirder they are. Help me!
489
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:57,526
Help me! Oscar, help me!
490
00:23:57,550 --> 00:23:58,796
Felix. Help!
491
00:23:58,820 --> 00:24:00,536
I'll save you under
one condition. What?
492
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:01,880
If I save your life
493
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:03,716
you'll never thank me
for saving your life again.
494
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:04,956
I promise, Oscar. Okay, come on.
495
00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:06,356
Pull. Pull. Help me. Help me up.
496
00:24:06,380 --> 00:24:07,876
Why don't you get a hand up.
497
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,176
Come on, that's a guy. Try.
498
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:10,806
There you go. Oh, oh.
499
00:24:12,270 --> 00:24:13,916
Oh, oh. That a boy. Good boy.
500
00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:15,516
There we go. Oh, Oscar.
501
00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:17,566
What? What? Oscar.
502
00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:18,896
I saw the grim reaper again.
503
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,406
And Big Bertha? And Big Bertha.
504
00:24:20,430 --> 00:24:24,270
And lopsided Kruger? Yes.
505
00:24:25,730 --> 00:24:28,730
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
506
00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:33,380
I learned something
from this experience.
507
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,310
How many times in life
do you come face to face
508
00:24:36,380 --> 00:24:38,580
with the ultimate reality?
509
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,640
La Comedia est finit.
510
00:24:44,580 --> 00:24:46,600
I'll tell you frankly,
511
00:24:46,670 --> 00:24:49,840
I've never considered
the possibility
512
00:24:49,910 --> 00:24:51,740
of Felix Unger dying.
513
00:24:51,810 --> 00:24:53,750
I have.
34306
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