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1
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,107
You were wrong,
Murray, you were wrong!
2
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,010
Oscar, you should never
question the umpire's decision.
3
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,879
Besides, I'm a policeman,
4
00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:16,147
and this badge means I'm honest.
5
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,328
And these thick glasses
mean you're blind.
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,285
You're a rotten umpire.
7
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,620
What do you mean, rotten?
8
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,733
Eh, I tag that guy
out, you call him safe.
9
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,635
He comes tearing
into me, spikes flying...
10
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,437
He throws a gigantic
block in my body!
11
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:30,712
Oscar, he was
only nine years old.
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:33,648
How long is he going
to use that as a copout?
13
00:00:33,718 --> 00:00:37,452
Aw, come on, let's forget
about the game, and let's eat.
14
00:00:37,521 --> 00:00:38,887
Where's Felix?
15
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,767
He's trying to
make up with Gloria.
16
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,826
She caught him going
through her garbage.
17
00:00:43,894 --> 00:00:45,594
What was he looking
for in her garbage?
18
00:00:45,662 --> 00:00:47,174
You know how jealous he is.
19
00:00:47,198 --> 00:00:49,932
He was probably
looking for male hair.
20
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,144
He always drove her crazy.
21
00:00:51,168 --> 00:00:53,435
Well, they must have
gotten along sometime.
22
00:00:53,504 --> 00:00:54,744
After all, he proposed to her,
23
00:00:54,772 --> 00:00:55,703
didn't he?
24
00:00:55,773 --> 00:00:58,022
No, Felix never proposed to her.
25
00:00:58,075 --> 00:00:59,708
She proposed to him?
26
00:00:59,777 --> 00:01:00,709
No.
27
00:01:00,778 --> 00:01:01,938
Well, who proposed to her?
28
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,595
Me!
29
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:14,639
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
30
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,941
from his place of residence.
31
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,444
That request came from his wife.
32
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,913
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
33
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:25,383
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
34
00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:27,151
With nowhere else to go,
35
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,082
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
36
00:01:29,106 --> 00:01:31,106
Several years earlier,
37
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,141
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
38
00:01:33,210 --> 00:01:35,627
requesting that he never return.
39
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,146
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
40
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,192
without driving
each other crazy?
41
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:11,496
♪ ♪
42
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,087
But why didn't Felix
propose to Gloria?
43
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,334
Didn't you ever hear that story?
44
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,590
What story?
45
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,203
About me propos...
it's the greatest No.
46
00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:41,371
Story in the whole world!
47
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,172
Here, eat the nice
sandwich I made for you.
48
00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:44,496
I'll tell it to you.
49
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,142
What's the matter?
Don't you like the...
50
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,599
No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
51
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,234
It's just that...
I like it better
52
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,471
when Felix makes the
sandwiches, that's all.
53
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,473
You notice how
he... he-he trims...
54
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,776
all of the crust away
from the bread?
55
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,812
And how he never puts
too much mayonnaise on it,
56
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,714
and-and he only
uses just the tender,
57
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,483
soft part of the lettuce.
58
00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:08,003
Here, find the soft, tender
part of the lettuce. Here...
59
00:03:08,072 --> 00:03:12,074
Oscar, tell me about how
you proposed to Gloria.
60
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:15,193
Well, you know, I met
Felix in the early '50s, see?
61
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:17,240
He had just broken up
with his girlfriend, Dorothy,
62
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,496
a dietician... you know.
63
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:21,716
She ran away with
Kate Smith's drummer.
64
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,013
Well, I met him one night
and he was very depressed,
65
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,882
and I figured I'd fix
him up with a blind date,
66
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,651
somebody I knew who
would cheer him up.
67
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:30,309
But he wanted to put it off.
He didn't want to accept a date
68
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,988
with a stranger from a stranger.
69
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,512
See, but I talked him into it.
70
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,825
I told the girls to meet
us here at the apartment.
71
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,969
I figured I'd clean
it up nice for 'em...
72
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,587
Ha! Toro! Ya-ha!
73
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,990
Wayo!
74
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,526
He-ya, ho!
75
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:05,510
I said I'd make it
lower so I can dunk it.
76
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,018
Hey, Felix! How are you?
77
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,019
Come on in.
78
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,088
Nice to see you.
79
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,334
Nice to see you.
80
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,824
Hey, let me hang up your hat.
81
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:19,953
Thank you. There you go.
82
00:04:19,977 --> 00:04:21,676
Come on in.
83
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,335
I thought we were meeting
the girls at your place.
84
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,602
This is my place.
85
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:32,703
Don't you like it?
86
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,332
It's... it's quaint, it's...
87
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,877
A place to hang your hat, huh?
88
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,226
Well, you, you've, uh...
89
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,143
you've done everything
you could with what you had.
90
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,244
Yeah.
91
00:04:44,268 --> 00:04:45,612
Oh, I've got an
evening lined up for you.
92
00:04:45,636 --> 00:04:46,568
It's just great.
93
00:04:46,637 --> 00:04:48,136
What's the matter?
94
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,138
Dor...
95
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,285
- Dor...
- Dor...
96
00:04:52,309 --> 00:04:55,310
I think your needle's stuck.
97
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:58,146
Dorothy... not only
broke my heart,
98
00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,542
she also gave me hiccups.
99
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:02,033
Well, listen, I didn't
think they were catching.
100
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:05,070
Sit down, will you? I want to
clean up a little bit for the girls.
101
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,549
She was the first
dietician I ever...
102
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:08,139
I ever dated...
103
00:05:16,166 --> 00:05:18,833
I break up with a
girl, I get drunk...
104
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:19,929
You get the hiccups.
105
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:24,055
Actually, it was the
crying afterwards.
106
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:26,624
Crying afterwards?
107
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:29,794
I'm a very emotional man, Oscar.
108
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:32,964
I cry, I sneeze, I itch,
109
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:35,600
I lose my voice...
110
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,980
My body is my own worst enemy.
111
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,044
Well, you got to relax.
Stop worrying about Dorothy.
112
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,606
I know, I...
113
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:45,555
I've lost the hiccups.
114
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,579
Yeah, it seems so.
115
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:50,850
No, you haven't.
116
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,194
Now they're coming
out of your nose.
117
00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:54,619
Sinus problem.
118
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,699
Symptoms, I'm a
mass of symptoms.
119
00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:57,934
Whenever I'm nervous, I get...
120
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:58,968
I'm nervous about tonight.
121
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,124
What are you nervous about?
122
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,793
The deck is
stacked in your favor.
123
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,473
And when I say stacked, buddy...
124
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,858
I mean stacked.
Wait till you see her.
125
00:06:04,882 --> 00:06:06,226
I know. I know you're trying
126
00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:07,849
to help me all you can,
127
00:06:07,918 --> 00:06:10,196
but I'm always nervous
when I have a blind date.
128
00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:13,905
What do I say to her?
129
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,540
Well, tell her that she's nice.
130
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,120
Yeah? So she won't
think she's cheap.
131
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,777
Want a drink?
132
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,358
No, no, no... no, thanks.
133
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,182
Make yourself
comfortable, I'll be right back.
134
00:06:53,797 --> 00:06:55,830
Oh!
135
00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,600
What are you doing?
136
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:00,746
Putting away your shirts.
137
00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:01,903
Why?
138
00:07:01,972 --> 00:07:04,705
You said I should make
myself comfortable.
139
00:07:04,774 --> 00:07:06,502
Putting away my shirts
makes you comfortable?
140
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,059
I hate mess!
141
00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:10,512
Boy, I'm sure glad I
don't have to live with you.
142
00:07:14,817 --> 00:07:15,828
There I go.
143
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:16,784
What?
144
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:17,997
Doing it again.
145
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:20,500
Somebody befriends
me, and I alienate him.
146
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,804
I just... I just...
147
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,558
Oh, no, I was
only kidding, Felix.
148
00:07:23,627 --> 00:07:25,460
Look, I, I'm going to
go put on my jacket.
149
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,728
Look, why don't you
entertain yourself?
150
00:07:27,797 --> 00:07:28,730
What should I do?
151
00:07:28,799 --> 00:07:31,332
Play some ping-pong.
152
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:58,526
Well, get that, will you, Unger?
153
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:05,995
Hello.
154
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,686
You must be Felix.
155
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,589
Yes, I'm Felix Unger.
156
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,659
I'm Gloria Schaffer.
It's so nice to meet you.
157
00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:16,961
Well, it's nice
to meet you, too.
158
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,179
Gloria?
159
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,092
Listen, you two talk,
will you? I'll be right out.
160
00:08:20,116 --> 00:08:21,761
I've heard so much about you.
161
00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:24,586
Really? What have you heard?
162
00:08:24,655 --> 00:08:26,021
I'm sorry.
163
00:08:28,559 --> 00:08:29,791
May I take your coat?
164
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:31,192
Oh, thank you.
165
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,572
I've been looking forward
to this evening all week.
166
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,813
Are you lonely like me?
167
00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:40,918
No, I just like to go out
and have a good time.
168
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:41,987
Ditto.
169
00:09:01,558 --> 00:09:03,091
Won't you s...
170
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,696
Well, tell me about yourself.
Where are you from?
171
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:11,049
What's your background?
What does your father do?
172
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,096
Hi, Gloria. What'll
you have? Oh, nothing.
173
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,297
Thank you. I don't
drink. Neither do I.
174
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:16,638
I do. I need another beer.
175
00:09:16,706 --> 00:09:18,707
I don't smoke, either.
176
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:19,708
Oh, neither do I.
177
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:20,725
It's such an untidy habit.
178
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:23,428
I hate it. I hate it.
179
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,997
I-I like tidy habits.
180
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,184
I could tell that just
from looking at you.
181
00:09:29,252 --> 00:09:30,869
You seem so... neat.
182
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,320
I am.
183
00:09:34,391 --> 00:09:37,408
You seem neat, too.
184
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:39,978
I... I don't mean that only
the way the kids say neat.
185
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,078
You look clean.
186
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:43,214
Thank you.
187
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,533
Can't sell you a drink, how
about an hors d'oeuvre?
188
00:09:45,602 --> 00:09:47,769
Ooh, I'd love one. Yeah.
189
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,371
Go on, take an olive, Felix,
they make you passionate.
190
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,273
What's that, what's...?
191
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,508
I'm allergic to olives.
192
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,075
You okay now? Yeah.
193
00:09:55,144 --> 00:09:56,889
You should have seen him
ten minutes ago, he was...
194
00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:59,914
What's that?
195
00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:02,417
Can I... Would you
excuse us for just a minute?
196
00:10:02,485 --> 00:10:03,696
Oh, certainly.
197
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,030
May I speak to you
for just a minute? Sure.
198
00:10:05,054 --> 00:10:07,422
But leave the olives. Sure.
199
00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:14,762
This girl is fantastic.
200
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,230
Great, I'm glad you like her.
201
00:10:16,299 --> 00:10:18,110
Yeah, but... watch what you say.
202
00:10:18,134 --> 00:10:19,245
You could ruin
the whole evening.
203
00:10:19,269 --> 00:10:21,119
Well, what do you
care? It's not your date.
204
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,621
She's not?
205
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,640
No, I got you the good one.
206
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,525
No...
207
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:31,412
no, Gloria's a good one.
208
00:10:31,481 --> 00:10:34,482
No, this one is better.
209
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,334
Better than Gloria?
210
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,646
No contest.
211
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:38,953
Would you like me to get that?
212
00:10:39,022 --> 00:10:40,605
No, I'll get it.
213
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,907
Hmm, trust me.
214
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,614
Hi! I'm Mitzi!
215
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,219
Ooh, you're cute!
216
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:57,836
Oh, hi, Oscar!
217
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:07,965
Oh, this is funsies!
218
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,879
Come on, let's dance.
219
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,313
I... I never learned
how to mambo.
220
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,636
Oh, it's easy.
221
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,116
Let's-let's just sit
this one out, Mitzi.
222
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,072
What do you say?
223
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:17,925
Oh, is my little
Feelie Weelie tired?
224
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,857
In the first place,
my name is Felix.
225
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:24,265
Knock on the door.
226
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,933
Peek in.
227
00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:28,302
Lift up the latch.
228
00:11:28,371 --> 00:11:32,039
Walk in, chin-chopper,
chin-chopper.
229
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,753
Mitzi, this is a public place!
230
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,709
Oh, it is?
231
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,828
It looks so nice.
232
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,565
Would you please excuse me?
233
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,135
Sure. Going to the sandbox?
234
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,149
Would you mind if I tag along?
235
00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:49,606
I have to powder my nose.
236
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,510
Oscar, I want to talk
to you. I know, I know.
237
00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:55,925
You want to fix it so you
can be alone. Yes, please.
238
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,614
You're really starting
to go for her, huh?
239
00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,551
I want to be alone by myself.
240
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:01,569
I can't abide her.
241
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:02,820
Are you kidding?
242
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,189
You got it made
in the shade, there!
243
00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:07,675
I know that,
according to your likes,
244
00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:09,210
you're helping me all you can,
245
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:12,380
but I think we have slightly
different tastes in girls.
246
00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:15,183
I prefer a girl who's
quiet and ladylike...
247
00:12:15,252 --> 00:12:17,385
attractive and refined.
248
00:12:17,453 --> 00:12:19,003
What for?
249
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,890
I want to be with Gloria.
250
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,925
I can't believe it.
251
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,822
I don't blame you.
I'm a rotten friend.
252
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:29,047
Go ahead... beat me, flog me!
253
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,499
With what? The spaghetti?
254
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:32,583
Why?
255
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:34,752
Well...
256
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,287
I'm a rat to suggest it, I know,
257
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,216
but the two of us
seemed to hit it off.
258
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,040
Well, go figure people.
259
00:12:40,109 --> 00:12:41,770
If that's what you
want, you got it.
260
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:43,678
You don't mind? Of course not.
261
00:12:43,746 --> 00:12:45,258
But won't this
ruin your evening?
262
00:12:45,282 --> 00:12:46,214
Are you kidding?
263
00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:47,693
I pray for ruined
evenings like this.
264
00:12:47,717 --> 00:12:49,929
Oh, this is... From now
on, Gloria's with you,
265
00:12:49,953 --> 00:12:52,298
and that's the end of it.
How are we gonna do this?
266
00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:54,000
We don't want to offend
anybody. Oh, don't worry.
267
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,401
You cool it, I'll take
care of everything.
268
00:12:55,425 --> 00:12:56,468
Here they come. All right...
269
00:12:56,492 --> 00:12:57,870
The main thing is,
be subtle, subtle.
270
00:12:57,894 --> 00:12:59,371
Oh, I'll be subtle. They
won't know anything about it.
271
00:12:59,395 --> 00:13:00,606
Sit down. Did you miss us?
272
00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:02,374
Ah! Girls, Felix
wants to switch.
273
00:13:02,398 --> 00:13:04,332
Gloria, you're with him.
You, come over here.
274
00:13:08,905 --> 00:13:10,649
Hey, teach me that
chin-chopper game, will you?
275
00:13:10,673 --> 00:13:12,340
Okay, I'll show you.
276
00:13:12,408 --> 00:13:14,008
Knock on the door...
277
00:13:16,612 --> 00:13:18,313
That's my favorite song!
278
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,792
What are we sitting
here for, honey?
279
00:13:19,816 --> 00:13:20,748
Let's do it!
280
00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:22,750
Come on.
281
00:13:28,624 --> 00:13:29,690
It is much nicer.
282
00:13:32,829 --> 00:13:34,812
I've been so
miserable all evening.
283
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,180
I know.
284
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,815
You didn't touch your dinner.
285
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:40,084
You noticed?
286
00:13:41,671 --> 00:13:44,455
I know a dietician who
couldn't have cared less.
287
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,407
You should eat.
288
00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:50,344
Oh... the cannelloni was tough.
289
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:54,332
The spaghetti was
undercooked, and... and...
290
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,417
And?
291
00:13:56,485 --> 00:13:58,319
And I love you.
292
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:11,394
Felix really went
all out for her.
293
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,429
Took her to the best
places, bought her flowers.
294
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,747
He was a perfect gentleman, see?
295
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,954
Now, she figured
that he was different
296
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,867
from all the guys who
took her out before.
297
00:14:18,891 --> 00:14:21,642
My wife said that to me.
298
00:14:21,711 --> 00:14:25,129
Boy, before she met me,
she really dated some dogs.
299
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,235
Go on with the story.
300
00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:32,603
Oh, yeah.
301
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,717
Well, anyway, everything went
well for about a month, see?
302
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,307
Then one day, I get a
call from Felix at the office.
303
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,655
He says to stop by
his place after work.
304
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,724
I don't know what's
happening, but when I get there,
305
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,592
the guy looks like he's
going into cardiac arrest.
306
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,616
Cardiac arrest?
307
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:45,582
Yeah.
308
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,601
Never made one of those.
309
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:55,109
Eat, Murray, eat.
310
00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:56,744
Anyway, I was very tired.
311
00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,190
I had covered two
basketball games,
312
00:14:58,214 --> 00:14:59,825
one in the afternoon
and one at night.
313
00:14:59,849 --> 00:15:01,927
See, I was really
beat when I got there.
314
00:15:06,088 --> 00:15:07,020
Where have you been?!
315
00:15:07,089 --> 00:15:08,467
What do you mean,
where have I been?
316
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,168
Hey, it's a nice place.
317
00:15:10,192 --> 00:15:12,752
You live here with your aunt?
318
00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:18,031
I've been waiting
for you since 6:30.
319
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,500
It's now 20 minutes of 11:00.
320
00:15:19,569 --> 00:15:21,447
You told me to come after
work. This is after work.
321
00:15:21,471 --> 00:15:22,681
I had to cover a ball game.
322
00:15:22,705 --> 00:15:23,716
Well, why didn't you call me?
323
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,117
If you called me,
at least I wouldn't
324
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:26,184
sit here worrying
myself to death!
325
00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,553
Yeah, I guess I
should have call...
326
00:15:27,577 --> 00:15:28,787
Wait a minute, buddy.
327
00:15:28,811 --> 00:15:30,456
I don't even call my
mother when I'm late.
328
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:31,729
Well, you should!
329
00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,282
Wait a minute.
330
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,616
I mean, I hardly know you.
331
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,462
Don't you have any other
friends you could talk to?
332
00:15:37,486 --> 00:15:39,504
I'm sorry, I'm just so...
333
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,172
Sit down, please.
Just forgive me.
334
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,584
I-I'm a nervous wreck.
335
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,168
You forgot to
unwrap your furniture.
336
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,614
No, this keeps it clean.
337
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,418
It's nice. Oscar...
338
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,086
Are you listening to me?
339
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,655
Yeah. I need your
help, and I need it bad.
340
00:15:57,723 --> 00:15:58,889
What is this?
341
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,458
You use your cuff as an ashtray?
342
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,794
It's all right. I
got sand in it.
343
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,275
What, is it about Gloria?
344
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,965
Yes, it's about Gloria.
345
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,050
I've got to marry her.
346
00:16:09,118 --> 00:16:11,819
You've got to marry her?
347
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,587
And fast.
348
00:16:13,656 --> 00:16:14,955
You?
349
00:16:15,024 --> 00:16:17,502
A man who covers up
every piece of his furniture...
350
00:16:17,526 --> 00:16:19,459
Oh, Oscar, please!
351
00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:24,398
I love her, and I
want to marry her.
352
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,533
Now, tell me, honestly,
what do you think?
353
00:16:26,602 --> 00:16:28,847
Well, if you love her,
you should marry her.
354
00:16:28,871 --> 00:16:32,372
But I haven't known her all
that long, and I-I don't know,
355
00:16:32,441 --> 00:16:34,408
maybe I'm not
ready for marriage.
356
00:16:34,476 --> 00:16:35,787
Well, then you
shouldn't marry her.
357
00:16:35,811 --> 00:16:38,245
I've got to act fast.
358
00:16:38,314 --> 00:16:40,025
She's leaving the day
after tomorrow for Korea
359
00:16:40,049 --> 00:16:41,482
with the U.S.O. show.
360
00:16:41,551 --> 00:16:43,851
Maybe she'll meet some
hotshot pilot over there
361
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,519
or Les Brown's drummer.
362
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,670
You're right.
363
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,089
Then you should marry her.
364
00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:51,509
But should I rush into the most
important decision of my life?
365
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:52,621
See, you're right again.
366
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,594
You shouldn't marry her.
367
00:16:53,662 --> 00:16:55,763
But I love her.
368
00:16:55,832 --> 00:16:57,598
So tell me, what do you think?
369
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:00,112
Well, let me sum it up for you.
370
00:17:00,136 --> 00:17:02,447
On one hand, some
of the things you say
371
00:17:02,471 --> 00:17:03,749
indicate you should marry her.
372
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,818
On the other hand,
some of the things you say
373
00:17:05,842 --> 00:17:07,252
indicate that you
shouldn't marry her.
374
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:10,428
In other words, some
of the things you say
375
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:11,862
indicate you should marry her.
376
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,975
On the other hand,
some of the things you say
377
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,544
indicate you
shouldn't marry her.
378
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,418
And that's my opinion.
379
00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,121
You're very perceptive.
380
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:23,758
Thank you.
381
00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:24,759
Okay.
382
00:17:24,828 --> 00:17:25,927
Thanks for your opinion.
383
00:17:25,995 --> 00:17:27,272
Oh, I'm sure
everything will work out.
384
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:28,540
Look, I got to go. Wait, no.
385
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:29,809
I-I want your opinion on a poem.
386
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,543
Poem? Look, guys
and dolls I know about.
387
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:33,545
Affairs of the heart. Poems I
don't know anything about, fellow.
388
00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:35,948
I'm going to memorize this and
recite this to Gloria when I propose.
389
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:37,616
Well, you better
recite... Not to me.
390
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,151
All right, all right, go
ahead. Please, help me.
391
00:17:39,175 --> 00:17:40,352
All right.
392
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:43,277
It's one of
Shakespeare's sonnets.
393
00:17:43,346 --> 00:17:46,580
"Let me not to the
marriage of true minds
394
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,050
"admit impediment.
395
00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:51,018
"Love is not love,
396
00:17:51,087 --> 00:17:53,855
"which alters when
it alteration finds,
397
00:17:53,923 --> 00:17:57,792
"Or bends with the
remover to remove: Oh, no.
398
00:17:57,861 --> 00:18:00,494
"It is an ever-fixed mark
399
00:18:00,563 --> 00:18:03,064
"that looks on tempests
and is never shaken.
400
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:04,515
It is..."
401
00:18:06,603 --> 00:18:08,536
You seem touched.
402
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,055
Why?
403
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,575
I think my cuff's on fire.
404
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,644
Hop-hop-hop!
405
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,147
Ooh, don't you just
love the Bunny Hop?!
406
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:26,815
Yeah, when you're doing
it with the right bunny.
407
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,350
Oh, you silly!
408
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:30,285
Oh, there's Feelie!
Come on, Felix!
409
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:32,354
Come in here, buddy!
It's great. Hi, Felix!
410
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,144
Come on, be a
bunny! Okay, come on.
411
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,725
I couldn't hear you
because of the music.
412
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,160
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
413
00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:39,661
Oh, oh, isn't he cute?
What's the matter?
414
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,997
Oh, I forgot, you don't
drink. What's the matter?
415
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,065
Your throat?
416
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:44,132
What's he looking for?
417
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:45,234
Oh, he lost something.
418
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,634
You lost your throat,
you lost your voice.
419
00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:49,393
Ooh, Charades!
420
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,506
Hurts, hurts, hurts, ooh.
421
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,463
How'd you do it?
422
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,704
How'd you do it?
423
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,606
What?
424
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:03,840
It's a movie.
425
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,642
How many letters?
426
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,924
Six, six letters
and it sounds...
427
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,225
What does it sound like?
428
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,809
Sounds like, sounds like,
sounds like, uh, waves.
429
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:15,364
It sounds like waves, it
sounds like what, curves.
430
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:16,431
Curves, sounds
likes curves, curves.
431
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,755
Curves, slerves,
derves, nerves, blerves.
432
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,435
Blerves? Sounds
like bl-bl-bler...?
433
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:21,703
Nerves, nerves, nerves, nerves.
434
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,128
Nerves Over the Pacific.
435
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,597
Two Nerves from Newark?
436
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,402
Honey, why don't you go play
in the sandbox for a minute?
437
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,680
Tell me... Ooh.
438
00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:35,472
Can I have a quarter
for the sand lady?
439
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:38,042
Here.
440
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,221
Tell me, will you?
441
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:40,727
What is it?
442
00:19:42,832 --> 00:19:46,033
Ring, third finger, right.
443
00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:47,479
Yeah, Pope? You're praying?
444
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:48,853
No, no.
445
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,198
Proposing.
446
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,155
You're proposing.
447
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:52,367
To me, you're proposing.
448
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,535
I can't accept.
449
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:54,853
What? You want me to propose?
450
00:19:54,877 --> 00:19:56,277
To you?
451
00:19:56,345 --> 00:19:57,278
To Gloria.
452
00:19:57,346 --> 00:19:58,556
You want me to
propose to Gloria.
453
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,609
You're crazy, I'm
not gonna do that.
454
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,779
Look, why don't you go act it out
like you did for me? She'll get it.
455
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,101
Go ahead.
456
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:08,205
What? What's the matter?
457
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,834
You can't read a menu to her?
458
00:20:09,858 --> 00:20:12,137
Oh, you can't recite that poem.
459
00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:13,239
It's better you don't recite it.
460
00:20:13,263 --> 00:20:14,540
Let her read
it. It'll be better.
461
00:20:14,564 --> 00:20:16,942
That's a better idea.
462
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,265
Play the violin.
463
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,412
Me, I don't play the violin.
464
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,647
Oh, yeah, it'd be
more romantic if I did it,
465
00:20:22,671 --> 00:20:24,516
but you're crazy, 'cause
I'm not gonna do it.
466
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:25,473
What's the hurry?
467
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:26,985
Take a tranquilizer,
your throat,
468
00:20:27,009 --> 00:20:28,920
the voice will come back,
everything will be all right.
469
00:20:28,944 --> 00:20:29,988
What?! What is that?!
470
00:20:30,012 --> 00:20:31,645
Why can't you?!
471
00:20:31,713 --> 00:20:34,414
Why can't you?
472
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:35,763
Because Gloria
473
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,901
is flying
474
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,415
to a Japanese restaurant.
475
00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:41,855
To Korea.
476
00:20:41,924 --> 00:20:45,025
To Korea, yes, to entertain
General MacArthur,
477
00:20:45,094 --> 00:20:46,838
the troops,
everything, yes, I know.
478
00:20:46,862 --> 00:20:48,762
So? And you...
479
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,276
are gonna hang yourself.
480
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,761
Go ahead and do it, 'cause I
got a big evening with Mitzi.
481
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,345
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
482
00:20:56,939 --> 00:20:58,638
What's that?
483
00:20:58,707 --> 00:21:00,174
Thank you.
484
00:21:01,410 --> 00:21:04,078
Right, for breaking your heart.
485
00:21:04,146 --> 00:21:05,490
Thank me for
breaking your heart.
486
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,114
Good-bye.
487
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,427
Forever.
488
00:21:08,451 --> 00:21:11,011
That's the way it is, good-bye.
489
00:21:20,963 --> 00:21:22,462
No.
490
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,382
Come on, all right, I'll
do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.
491
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:26,651
Come on. I'm sorry. Come on.
492
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,018
Come on, will you?
493
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:30,398
You go to a complete
stranger? You shouldn't do that.
494
00:21:30,422 --> 00:21:31,955
Now, look...
495
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:35,743
Oh, there you are.
496
00:21:35,811 --> 00:21:37,222
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Gloria.
497
00:21:37,246 --> 00:21:38,423
Oh, what happened?
498
00:21:38,447 --> 00:21:39,858
When I got here, you were gone,
499
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,449
and the door was open,
and I found this note.
500
00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:45,285
"Dear, Gloria, please come in
and make yourself comfortable.
501
00:21:45,354 --> 00:21:46,634
"Have some champagne.
502
00:21:46,689 --> 00:21:48,600
"I selected it just for you.
503
00:21:48,624 --> 00:21:51,725
"If I'm not back in ten
minutes, go on your way,
504
00:21:51,794 --> 00:21:54,427
"but always remember
somewhere there's a caring heart.
505
00:21:54,496 --> 00:21:56,307
"I'll try to be back.
506
00:21:56,331 --> 00:21:57,542
"I went to see someone.
507
00:21:57,566 --> 00:21:58,977
"I'll tell you later who it was.
508
00:21:59,001 --> 00:21:59,933
Be right back..."
509
00:22:00,002 --> 00:22:02,703
What did you do,
write her a novel?
510
00:22:02,772 --> 00:22:04,449
Look, Gloria, I'm sorry,
I don't have much time.
511
00:22:04,473 --> 00:22:05,639
I left Mitzi in a bar
512
00:22:05,708 --> 00:22:07,975
with two merchant
marines and a glass blower.
513
00:22:08,044 --> 00:22:09,621
Now, you know
about his neuroses,
514
00:22:09,645 --> 00:22:11,589
and now he's so
nervous he's lost his voice.
515
00:22:11,613 --> 00:22:12,546
Oh, you poor...
516
00:22:12,614 --> 00:22:14,092
Can I do anything for you?
517
00:22:14,116 --> 00:22:15,193
What? Yeah, what?
518
00:22:15,217 --> 00:22:16,695
Me. Oh, yes, on the way over,
519
00:22:16,719 --> 00:22:18,329
he wrote a whole lot
of instructions for me.
520
00:22:18,353 --> 00:22:20,132
Here it is. Now, I
got to get it over,
521
00:22:20,156 --> 00:22:21,499
'cause I don't have
much time, okay?
522
00:22:21,523 --> 00:22:22,589
One, get on knee.
523
00:22:22,658 --> 00:22:24,457
Okay.
524
00:22:24,526 --> 00:22:26,493
What's the difference
where I get on the knee?
525
00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:30,798
One, get on knee.
526
00:22:30,866 --> 00:22:32,499
Two, bubbly, bubbly.
527
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:34,334
Oh, Gloria. I want to...
528
00:22:34,403 --> 00:22:36,503
What?
529
00:22:36,572 --> 00:22:39,372
Oh, that kind of bubbly.
530
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:41,709
Would you get the
music cued, please?
531
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,376
Not much time.
532
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,312
Bubbly, bubbly...
533
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:47,881
Oh, how sweet.
534
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,449
Our song.
535
00:22:49,518 --> 00:22:51,518
Yes, I know, it says here, four.
536
00:22:51,587 --> 00:22:53,520
Romantic, romantic.
537
00:22:59,061 --> 00:23:00,293
Too romantic.
538
00:23:00,362 --> 00:23:02,090
I guess you wonder why
Felix asked you here, right?
539
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:04,164
Well, I had been
planning on packing,
540
00:23:04,233 --> 00:23:06,133
but he said it was
important. Yeah.
541
00:23:06,202 --> 00:23:09,336
Well, it's because he thinks
you are one great chick.
542
00:23:09,404 --> 00:23:11,350
And he would like you...
543
00:23:11,374 --> 00:23:13,374
What?
544
00:23:13,442 --> 00:23:14,375
All right, the poem.
545
00:23:14,443 --> 00:23:15,683
No, I'm not gonna do the poem.
546
00:23:15,744 --> 00:23:17,088
The poem, I'm not
gonna... I don't care!
547
00:23:17,112 --> 00:23:19,179
I don't care, Jose
Greco, I'm not gonna do it.
548
00:23:19,248 --> 00:23:20,981
Fellas, I like a good joke, too,
549
00:23:21,049 --> 00:23:23,250
but I've got to get up
early in the morning. I...
550
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:24,929
All right, don't panic.
551
00:23:24,953 --> 00:23:27,154
Gloria, just one minute.
Don't panic. Look...
552
00:23:27,222 --> 00:23:28,288
The poem is you.
553
00:23:28,357 --> 00:23:29,522
If you were reading it, fine.
554
00:23:29,591 --> 00:23:30,657
Let me do it my way...
555
00:23:30,726 --> 00:23:32,509
Go stand in the
corner! Go stand!
556
00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,495
Quickly! Quickly!
557
00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:39,833
Gloria, look,
this is ridiculous.
558
00:23:39,902 --> 00:23:41,930
I-I know it seems
crazy to you, but...
559
00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:44,972
see, Felix wanted this to
be a perfect night for you...
560
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,652
A night that you'd
remember forever.
561
00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:48,219
That's the kind
of guy he is, see.
562
00:23:48,243 --> 00:23:50,555
I haven't known him a long
time, but I know he's a generous,
563
00:23:50,579 --> 00:23:52,458
thoughtful, loving guy.
564
00:23:52,482 --> 00:23:54,793
And he would break his
back to make anybody happy.
565
00:23:54,817 --> 00:23:57,617
And he'd do anything in
the world to make you happy.
566
00:23:57,686 --> 00:24:00,503
See, I think he's kind
of a special person.
567
00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:02,617
He thinks you're kind
of a special person,
568
00:24:02,641 --> 00:24:05,776
and I think together you
could be special people.
569
00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,622
Gloria, I'm saying
this so lousy,
570
00:24:07,646 --> 00:24:10,814
but, Gloria, will
you marry Felix?
571
00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:12,750
I'd love to!
572
00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:17,554
Oh!
573
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,184
Oh, Felix...
574
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:21,074
I love you.
575
00:24:21,144 --> 00:24:23,704
I love you.
576
00:24:35,524 --> 00:24:37,969
So Felix got his voice
back in time to say "I do,"
577
00:24:37,993 --> 00:24:38,925
and that was it.
578
00:24:38,994 --> 00:24:41,395
Oh, Oscar...
579
00:24:41,463 --> 00:24:44,832
I'm such a pushover
for a love story.
580
00:24:46,201 --> 00:24:48,819
Here, Murray, blow your nose.
581
00:24:50,923 --> 00:24:52,856
Thanks.
37870
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