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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:04,576 Well, so much for chow. 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:05,970 It was marvelous, Oscar. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,616 Doctor. Mmm. 4 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,516 Why don't you sit right over here, darling. 5 00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:10,886 Have a little after dinner mint. 6 00:00:10,910 --> 00:00:12,126 Thank you. 7 00:00:12,150 --> 00:00:15,350 Sit, please, because now the piéce de résistance. 8 00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:17,196 Look at that. Oh! 9 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:18,500 Oh! 10 00:00:18,550 --> 00:00:19,950 Champagne! 11 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,096 Well, it ain't seltzer, honey. 12 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,296 Oh, Oscar, I'm thrilled! 13 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,536 How many times do you celebrate 14 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,086 your first anniversary, huh? Oh, Oscar. 15 00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:27,210 You are so sweet. 16 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,656 Well, nothing's too good for my lady doctor girlfriend. 17 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,156 Do you know what my idea of a sadist is? 18 00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:34,176 What? The guy who puts these corks in. 19 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,816 Oh! 20 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,816 Look at that. I spilled it all over. 21 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:38,886 It doesn't matter, honey. 22 00:00:38,910 --> 00:00:40,190 It'll taste fine. 23 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,086 Yeah, but look at all that cork floating around. 24 00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,516 Looks like a midget shipwreck. 25 00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,786 It doesn't matter... pour, pour. 26 00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:48,426 You know, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Felix. 27 00:00:48,450 --> 00:00:49,706 Felix? How? 28 00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,796 Well, I went out to buy a bottle of champagne... 29 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,420 Canadian, good stuff. 30 00:00:53,490 --> 00:00:55,136 Felix said it wasn't good enough. 31 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,196 It was a bad year. 32 00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:57,286 He made me run out 33 00:00:57,310 --> 00:00:59,516 and buy one from a good year, 1964. 34 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:02,610 It may have been a good year for champagne but not for cork. 35 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,980 Oscar... Oscar. 36 00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,456 What? We're doing it again. 37 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,696 Doing what again, honey? 38 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,326 Spending another evening together 39 00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:10,926 with you complaining about Felix. 40 00:01:10,950 --> 00:01:12,096 You're absolutely right, honey, 41 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,536 and I'm not going to do it. 42 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,986 We've got the whole evening to ourselves. 43 00:01:15,010 --> 00:01:16,860 Mr. Clean is at the opera, 44 00:01:16,930 --> 00:01:18,906 and he won't be home till midnight. 45 00:01:18,930 --> 00:01:20,026 To us. 46 00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:21,330 To us. 47 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,556 Oh, yeah. 48 00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:25,580 Mmm. 49 00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,980 Mm-hmm. 50 00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,250 Hi. 51 00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:43,520 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself 52 00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,660 from his place of residence. 53 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,350 That request came from his wife. 54 00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,806 Deep down, he knew she was right, 55 00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:54,270 but he also knew that someday he would return to her. 56 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:56,230 With nowhere else to go, 57 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,050 he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. 58 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,366 Several years earlier, 59 00:02:00,390 --> 00:02:01,966 Madison's wife had thrown him out, 60 00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:04,640 requesting that he never return. 61 00:02:04,710 --> 00:02:07,236 Can two divorced men share an apartment 62 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,820 without driving each other crazy? 63 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:41,850 ♪ ♪ 64 00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:00,470 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 65 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,570 Why? 66 00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,450 Why?! 67 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,810 Why what? 68 00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:08,250 Why did you come home so early? 69 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,496 You weren't due back till midnight. 70 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,150 Forgive me. 71 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:13,220 I wasn't feeling well. 72 00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:15,576 I've got this tickle in the back of my throat, 73 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,730 and... I was feeling somewhat flushed. 74 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,900 We planned a nice, quiet evening. 75 00:03:21,970 --> 00:03:23,176 You have to tickle and flush. 76 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,816 Let me take a look at your throat. 77 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,046 Don't worry. No, no. 78 00:03:26,070 --> 00:03:27,786 You're off duty. I'm all right. 79 00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,436 Well, if you're all right, why did you come home? 80 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,260 Forgive me. 81 00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,636 I'm sure I'm only being hypochondriacal, 82 00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:36,930 but I know that a saltwater gargle is in order. 83 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,276 I'll be in my room. 84 00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,600 I won't bother you. 85 00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:40,876 Don't worry about me. 86 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,216 You won't know I'm... 87 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,486 What? What's that? 88 00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:45,486 Champagne on the carpet? 89 00:03:45,510 --> 00:03:47,486 I'll know you're here, Felix. 90 00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:48,686 You're right. I'm sorry. 91 00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:49,756 Forgive me. 92 00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:50,986 I'll be in my room. 93 00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:52,256 Enjoy yourselves. 94 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,526 Happy anniversary. 95 00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,826 Happy for both of you. Thank you, Felix. 96 00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:57,266 I'm happy for both of you. Thank you. 97 00:03:57,290 --> 00:03:58,396 Do you see that? 98 00:03:58,420 --> 00:03:59,566 Do you believe this man? 99 00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:02,350 Now, Oscar, would you please sit and forget it. 100 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,750 And get back to us. 101 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,326 All right, honey. Okay. 102 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:07,056 To us. Mm-hmm. 103 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,726 Mmm. Mm-hmm. 104 00:04:20,830 --> 00:04:22,976 Do you happen to know how many years you get 105 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,256 for drowning a man with his own mouthwash? 106 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,030 Oscar, please kiss me. 107 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,030 I'm sorry. 108 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,770 Do you know where the aspirin is? 109 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,716 How are you feeling? 110 00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:37,056 My throat still has that tickle. 111 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,426 I'd like to scratch it for you. 112 00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:40,586 You do feel feverish. 113 00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:41,726 Oscar, where's a thermometer? 114 00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:42,876 I don't know, honey. 115 00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,456 I'm only a tenant here, not a pharmacist. 116 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,746 What does that remark mean? 117 00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:47,196 I'll tell you Mr. Tickle and Flush, 118 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,036 you come in here... Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! 119 00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:50,790 Now, he isn't feeling well. 120 00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:53,266 Please get me a thermometer and two aspirin. 121 00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:55,190 Felix, you sit right down. 122 00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:56,706 Thank you. 123 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,136 This what he served for dinner... 124 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,776 Red wine and fish sticks? 125 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,430 Open. 126 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:02,960 Aah. 127 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,640 I'm so sorry to interrupt your anniversary. 128 00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,350 Oh, it's no trouble. 129 00:05:08,410 --> 00:05:10,180 Thank you. You're nice. 130 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,386 It's our anniversary, too, you know that? 131 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:14,126 One year ago tonight, you were treating me. 132 00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:15,656 That's right. 133 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,726 You had the flu, and I made the house call 134 00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:20,196 and met Oscar a year ago tonight. Aah. 135 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,966 Thermometer and two aspirin. 136 00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:24,036 Did you remember to wash the thermometer off with alcohol 137 00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,410 and dry it with sterile cotton? 138 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,700 No, I spit-shined it and used a T-shirt from the laundry. 139 00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,280 Open! 140 00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:34,126 I know he's joking, but I can't put the thing 141 00:05:34,150 --> 00:05:36,396 in my mouth when he says things like that. 142 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:37,820 I'll do it myself. 143 00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:38,966 Don't worry about me. 144 00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,066 I'll be all right. 145 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,166 I'll be in my room. 146 00:05:41,190 --> 00:05:42,206 Forgive me. 147 00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:43,560 Enjoy. 148 00:05:43,630 --> 00:05:44,930 I'm happy for both of you. 149 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,930 Have a happy anniversary. 150 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,170 Why me? Why me? 151 00:05:50,230 --> 00:05:52,216 Eight million divorced men in New York. 152 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,840 I end up with... Dinah Shore. 153 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:57,146 Oscar. 154 00:05:57,170 --> 00:05:58,186 All right, honey. Yeah. 155 00:05:58,210 --> 00:05:59,816 We'll get back to the way we were. 156 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,286 We'll forget... Here you go, honey. 157 00:06:01,310 --> 00:06:02,756 Oscar, it's not going to work. 158 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,060 I'd better go. 159 00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:05,296 Why go? Why? 160 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,876 Because you are very upset, Oscar. 161 00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,246 I don't like to be kissed with hatred. 162 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,070 Oh, honey. 163 00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:14,136 Don't let him ruin another evening for me. 164 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:15,666 Oscar, I don't like to say this, 165 00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:17,716 but Felix didn't ruin your evening, you did. 166 00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:18,756 How can you say that? 167 00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:20,136 You were here, you saw what he did. 168 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,776 That's just my point. 169 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,046 He didn't do anything. 170 00:06:23,070 --> 00:06:24,816 You overreacted to him tonight. 171 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:25,770 Tonight? 172 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,346 It's every night, every day. 173 00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:29,486 He lives inside me like a tapeworm, 174 00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:32,016 eating away my nerve endings. 175 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,616 Gnawing, always gnawing, 176 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,816 always gnawing! 177 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:35,956 Honey, I know, 178 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,540 I can feel the tension when you hug me. 179 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:41,106 Your stomach feels like a basketball. 180 00:06:41,130 --> 00:06:44,000 Oscar, you could have a little more tolerance. 181 00:06:44,050 --> 00:06:45,636 Tolerance? He's alive, isn't he? 182 00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:46,836 That's being tolerant. 183 00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:49,206 All I'm asking you to do for yourself 184 00:06:49,230 --> 00:06:52,970 and for us is just to be a little nice to Felix, Oscar. 185 00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:55,800 Just try to get along with him, make an effort. 186 00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:58,570 Then, maybe we can deflate that basketball a little. 187 00:06:58,630 --> 00:06:59,746 I don't know, honey. 188 00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:01,070 Try. 189 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,510 Is that a bribe? 190 00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:03,586 No. 191 00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:04,910 That was love. 192 00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,480 This one's a bribe. 193 00:07:06,540 --> 00:07:08,016 Good news, kids. 194 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,440 It's only 99. 195 00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:13,310 I can knock that with a night's sleep. 196 00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:16,980 My stomach is dribbling against my belly button. 197 00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:18,850 Tolerance. 198 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,066 Yeah. 199 00:07:20,090 --> 00:07:21,936 Honey, you want to bribe me some more? No. 200 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,466 Goodnight, darling. All right. 201 00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:24,636 Tolerance. I know. 202 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:27,076 I'll be captain of the Olympic Tolerance Team. 203 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:28,700 Bye, honey. 204 00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:29,906 I love you. 205 00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:31,916 Oscar. What? What? 206 00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:35,470 Is it all right if I shower first tomorrow? 207 00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:39,780 Positively no... reason why you can't, Felix. 208 00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:42,570 Thanks, Osc. 209 00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:44,926 Happy anniversary, you two. 210 00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:47,420 Oh, thank you, Fel. 211 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,756 Good morning. Good morning, Felix, how are you? 212 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:01,956 I feel wonderful. Great! 213 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:03,226 Listen, I must tell you 214 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,596 that I'm genuinely sorry about last night. 215 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:06,666 Will you forget it, buddy. 216 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:07,766 It was nothing! 217 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:08,720 What are you doing? 218 00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,066 I'm making breakfast. 219 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:13,260 Well, that's, that's very, very nice of you, 220 00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,336 but I can make breakfast as usual. No. 221 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,206 You always take care of me when I'm sick. 222 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,546 You put my mother to shame. 223 00:08:18,570 --> 00:08:21,006 The least I can do is take care of you when you're sick. 224 00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:22,416 But I feel perfectly fine this morning, 225 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,376 except for my normal sinus agony. 226 00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:27,146 Your orange juice, sir. Ah. 227 00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,886 Did you remember to remove the pits? 228 00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:29,850 I think so, Felix. 229 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,470 I don't like pits in my juice. 230 00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:33,806 Mm-mm. 231 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,476 Mm-mm? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. 232 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,676 Mm what? Pit. 233 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,896 Pit. 234 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,200 Where? Where? 235 00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:40,296 There's a pit, there's a pit. 236 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,250 Pits. Ooh. Uh... 237 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,336 They must have got passed me. 238 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,596 You know how pits are. Very sneaky. 239 00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:44,950 That's all right. 240 00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:46,360 I don't mind. 241 00:08:46,430 --> 00:08:49,200 I appreciate the effort required 242 00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:50,876 for you to make me orange juice. 243 00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:51,830 Good try. 244 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:52,840 Thank you, Felix. 245 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,876 But if you can't do a job well, 246 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:58,000 don't do it all. 247 00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,780 I don't like pits in my juice. 248 00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:02,406 You're right, Felix... When you're right, you're right. 249 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,390 I mean, the man's right. What are you going to do? 250 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:06,776 Oh, that's my cue. What? 251 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:07,836 What now? 252 00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:09,160 Your eggs, Felix. 253 00:09:09,230 --> 00:09:10,906 Exactly the way you like them. 254 00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:13,480 Without pits, I hope. 255 00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:16,086 But seriously, Oscar, I'm stunned 256 00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:17,580 by your thoughtfulness. 257 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,140 It's my pleasure. 258 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,880 Oh, two-minute egg, huh? 259 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,890 Exactly two minutes. 260 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,946 I like my eggs three minutes. 261 00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:26,946 Two minutes, three minutes, what's the difference? 262 00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,606 The difference is with a three-minute egg 263 00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:29,910 you can eat with a fork. 264 00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:32,500 These, you'd have to sip through a straw. Look. 265 00:09:34,190 --> 00:09:38,400 But... another very good try. 266 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,530 Thank you, Felix. 267 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,160 I needed that pat on the back. 268 00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:54,806 Hi, buddy. 269 00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,876 Cleaning day today. 270 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,136 You did a good job, buddy. 271 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,490 How you feel? 272 00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,976 Fine. Good. 273 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,730 Hey, I'm hungry as a bear. 274 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,076 I'll bet you got one of your Felix Unger gourmet specials. 275 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,246 What time is dinner? 276 00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:06,546 Huh! 277 00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:08,546 Why are you sitting there? 278 00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:10,040 Guess. 279 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,556 You're tired from cleaning. 280 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:12,736 No. 281 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:13,936 You're resting. No. 282 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,240 Why? 283 00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,386 Why are you doing that with your eyes? What is that? 284 00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:23,760 What do you see in my lap? 285 00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,220 Pot. 286 00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:28,260 Open it! 287 00:10:28,330 --> 00:10:31,030 What color do you see in there? 288 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,740 Black. 289 00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:34,006 What do you think it is? 290 00:10:34,030 --> 00:10:36,710 Well, it looks like some sort of black meat to me. 291 00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:39,266 This is the rump roast I prepared for your dinner. 292 00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:41,166 It was ready an hour and a half ago. 293 00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:42,690 I'm sorry, Felix, 294 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,066 but the Hockey Championship Games 295 00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:45,536 went into double overtime. 296 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,276 If you knew you were going to be late, 297 00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:48,476 why didn't you call me? 298 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,776 Well, I'm sorry, Felix. 299 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,806 I meant to call you, but the game got so exciting, 300 00:10:51,830 --> 00:10:53,046 I didn't know what to do. 301 00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,740 This is a six-dollar rump roast lying here dead. 302 00:10:57,310 --> 00:11:00,800 I just, I just don't understand you anymore. 303 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:04,260 I've just stopped acting crazy over little things. 304 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,160 Nancy convinced me that I overreact to you 305 00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:09,426 and you're probably right 90% of the time. 306 00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:11,460 I'll accept that. 307 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:14,110 She said I should be nice to you, 308 00:11:14,170 --> 00:11:16,750 bend a little, you know, not get so mad at you. 309 00:11:16,830 --> 00:11:18,430 I find that a very mature 310 00:11:18,490 --> 00:11:19,906 and intelligent attitude. 311 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:20,870 Well, it works. 312 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,376 Like tonight when you were whining 313 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,946 about your dead rump roast. 314 00:11:23,970 --> 00:11:26,176 I tried to understand how you felt, 315 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,616 and as a result, you didn't annoy me so much. 316 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,580 I annoy you? 317 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,090 Make that 91%, Oscar. 318 00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:38,200 How did I annoy you? 319 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,676 By coming home an hour and a half late? 320 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,600 By forgetting to call 321 00:11:42,670 --> 00:11:44,296 and saying I was going to be late? 322 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,880 Is that how I annoyed you, Oscar? 323 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,210 I think you're on to something with this new attitude of yours. 324 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,820 But instead of working at not being annoyed at me, 325 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,830 you should stop being annoying to me. 326 00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,700 There's your project. 327 00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:04,960 I'll get a saw and cut the meat. 328 00:12:05,010 --> 00:12:07,830 I don't forgive you... 329 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,850 but I know you're trying, and I like that. 330 00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:13,470 Now go wash your hands and face. 331 00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:18,326 Don't be annoyed at me. 332 00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:20,820 Stop being annoying to me. 333 00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,090 I'd like to annoy him. 334 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,870 Now, I've got two basketballs and a hockey puck. 335 00:12:27,260 --> 00:12:28,606 Hey, Oscar? 336 00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:29,676 What?! 337 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,540 Mr. 91% right. 338 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:35,020 A very interesting article in this magazine, Oscar. 339 00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:37,290 It's about Bolivian chickens. 340 00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:40,370 No kidding! 341 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,370 Look at what he's hitting me with... Bolivian chickens. 342 00:12:43,450 --> 00:12:45,050 You got to save it for me. 343 00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:46,946 I'll stick it in your orange juice. 344 00:12:46,970 --> 00:12:49,570 Says they're growing them as big as turkeys. 345 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,610 You're kidding! 346 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:55,370 Who cares about Bolivian... 347 00:12:55,430 --> 00:12:59,260 Those eggs you made for me this morning were sure turkeys. 348 00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:04,490 That's a joke, Oscar. 349 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,910 What?! 350 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:14,200 That's a laugh, Felix. 351 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,806 You don't mind when I rib you, do you, Osc? 352 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:20,430 No, I love a good ribbing, Fel. 353 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,730 I can't help this crazy sense of humor of mine. 354 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,760 Good night, pal. 355 00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:31,760 Good night, Felix. 356 00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:44,160 I don't like pits, pits, pits, 357 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:48,990 in my juice, juice, juice. 358 00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:54,990 I don't like pits, pits, pits, 359 00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:58,110 in my juice, juice, juice. 360 00:13:58,150 --> 00:14:02,150 Pits, pits, pits, 361 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:07,090 in my juice, juice, juice. 362 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,190 Pits, pits, pits. 363 00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,446 Well, good morning, buddy. 364 00:14:33,470 --> 00:14:36,970 Good morning. 365 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,526 Sit down, you don't need a reservation. 366 00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:42,110 Coffee's made, it's in the pot. 367 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,226 You're up kind of early, aren't you? 368 00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:50,810 I got to get my column in by 9:00. 369 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,600 What are you staring at? 370 00:14:56,710 --> 00:14:59,670 I don't know. 371 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,016 Did you sleep well? Sleep well. 372 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,716 Felix, if being unconscious 373 00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:06,916 means sleeping well, I slept great. 374 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:09,086 I really got to go to work. 375 00:15:09,110 --> 00:15:12,950 What's the matter? Why are you so jumpy? I don't know. 376 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,250 I had a terrible dream. 377 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,890 Yeah? The same one where you're trapped in a sewer barefoot? 378 00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:25,660 No. It was worse than that. 379 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:26,966 You were in this one. 380 00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:28,536 Oh, really? Tell me about it, Felix. 381 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,206 But I'm in a hurry... Make it fast, will you? 382 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:33,276 I-I-I dreamed that you came into my room, Mm-hmm. 383 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:37,840 And you screamed some terrible obscenities, 384 00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:40,246 and then you hit me over the head 385 00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:42,830 with a blunt object of some kind. 386 00:15:42,910 --> 00:15:46,326 It's not as good as the one in the sewer, but it's okay. 387 00:15:46,350 --> 00:15:48,186 It didn't seem like a dream. 388 00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:50,296 It was so real, when I woke up 389 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,966 I went in your room to see if you were asleep. 390 00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:53,770 You came into my room? 391 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:55,910 That's how frightening it was. 392 00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:58,630 Felix, I'd like to stay here and analyze 393 00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:00,736 your dream, but I'm really in a hurry. 394 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,576 Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, 395 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,200 tonight you can dream you came into my room and you hit me. 396 00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:07,006 I left my dirty laundry on the bed. 397 00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:10,870 Is it in the pillowcase? Yeah. All the stuff that's stiff. 398 00:16:14,310 --> 00:16:16,250 Ugh! 399 00:16:31,610 --> 00:16:33,480 I've got the evidence, look. 400 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:39,550 Ralph Nader has something to do with this? 401 00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,896 He rolls up the magazine and hits me. 402 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,026 This is the weapon. 403 00:16:43,050 --> 00:16:45,166 Yeah, but are you sure it's Oscar? 404 00:16:45,190 --> 00:16:47,536 Well, who else sleeps here? 405 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,500 Well, that's none of my business, Felix. 406 00:16:51,830 --> 00:16:53,306 It was Oscar; I heard his voice. 407 00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:54,936 He called me a Bolivian chicken. 408 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,946 Well, now that sounds like Oscar. 409 00:16:56,970 --> 00:16:59,046 I know it's Oscar... Stay here tonight. 410 00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:01,346 We'll stake out his room. We'll catch him in the act. 411 00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:02,650 I can't, Felix. 412 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,316 My partner's waiting for me downstairs. 413 00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:06,816 I'm on duty, you know? This is duty. Assault and battery. 414 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:07,956 It's an open-and-shut case. 415 00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:10,226 Murray, you'll get a medal. 416 00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:12,526 Well, I could stay for a few minutes. 417 00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:15,420 May I have a glass of milk and some cookies? 418 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,866 Yes, you may, Murray. Help yourself. Thank you. 419 00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:21,960 You know, we had a case like this a couple of years ago, 420 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:25,690 and we discovered that this guy was walking in his sleep. 421 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,200 Sleepwalking? 422 00:17:30,270 --> 00:17:32,596 What, what should I do if he's sleepwalking, Murray? 423 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:35,220 Well, to begin with, don't wake him up. 424 00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:36,436 They get very violent. 425 00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:38,660 More violent? How? 426 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,450 He's belting me on the head now. 427 00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:44,140 Why me, of all people. I just... 428 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,156 I hope and pray he's not sleepwalking. 429 00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:49,696 Can you imagine the mess I'd find 430 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,280 in this room in the morning if he was...? 431 00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:01,370 Murray! Murray! 432 00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:03,256 Murray! What? What's wrong? 433 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,640 Put your gun away! 434 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,616 Put it down! Put your gun away! 435 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,796 Oh. He just did it again. 436 00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,750 I saw him with my own eyes. I felt it with my own head. 437 00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:15,690 Gee, I'm sorry I missed it. 438 00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:18,556 I was going to wake him up, and then I remembered what you said. 439 00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:19,756 I should have awakened him. 440 00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,476 Oh, Murray, he looked, he looked deranged... 441 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,660 Uh uh. We'd better go check up on him. 442 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,230 Hi, Oscar. 443 00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,980 Murray. 444 00:18:35,050 --> 00:18:36,906 It's okay, Felix, he's awake. 445 00:18:36,930 --> 00:18:39,430 Hello, Oscar. 446 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,016 What are you guys doing in my bedroom? 447 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,710 What's the living room doing in my bedroom? 448 00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:49,460 You're sleepwalking, Oscar. 449 00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:52,870 Well, I better walk back to sleep then. 450 00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:56,550 You saw him, Murray. You saw it! 451 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,096 Yeah, but I didn't actually see any hitting. 452 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,566 Yeah, but you saw the weapon in his hand. 453 00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,486 Well, but that's circumstantial. 454 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,050 If he had stabbed me, 455 00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,626 and was standing there with a dripping dagger, 456 00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:10,196 would that be circumstantial? 457 00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:12,390 Perhaps. 458 00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:15,786 That's my partner calling for me. 459 00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:18,780 Take the cookies, Murray, and go. 460 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,980 I'm sorry, Felix. 461 00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,480 I'm a policeman. 462 00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:28,920 I can't get involved! 463 00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:40,650 Fasten this. 464 00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:44,040 Okay, come bring this over here. 465 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,770 This here. 466 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,846 Shutter. There we are. 467 00:19:48,870 --> 00:19:51,116 This is makeshift, but it'll work. 468 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,300 Distance of three feet... 469 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,880 Get my pill. 470 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,170 Water. 471 00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:18,530 Water. 472 00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:48,210 Like living with an animal. 473 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,710 Why is he doing this? 474 00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:53,010 He'll never get through that. 475 00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:55,650 If I can just get through this night. 476 00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:00,920 Felix! 477 00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:04,260 Felix! 478 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:05,660 Felix! 479 00:21:21,850 --> 00:21:24,020 I don't know; his door's locked. 480 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,940 I think he's calling for a cab. 481 00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:27,266 I know it's serious. 482 00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:28,620 Well, I'll do what I can. 483 00:21:28,690 --> 00:21:30,466 Oh listen, honey, I got to go now. 484 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,730 I'll call you back later. Okay. 485 00:21:35,910 --> 00:21:37,690 Oh, how are you feeling, Felix? 486 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,450 Good morning, Oscar. 487 00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:40,956 Listen, would you like some orange juice? 488 00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:42,996 I strained it, I took out all the pits, I think. 489 00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:44,966 Thank you. That was very kind of you, Oscar. 490 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:46,270 No, I don't want any. 491 00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:50,520 How about three-minute eggs right on the head three minutes. 492 00:21:50,590 --> 00:21:53,520 I couldn't hold a thing on my stomach. 493 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,420 My bags are packed, 494 00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:57,846 the cab will be here in 10 minutes. 495 00:21:57,870 --> 00:22:00,710 Felix, would it help to tell you how sorry I am? 496 00:22:00,770 --> 00:22:03,640 Please, Oscar. It's not your fault. 497 00:22:03,710 --> 00:22:05,160 It's mine. 498 00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:07,190 It must be. 499 00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,306 There is something in me that provokes 500 00:22:09,330 --> 00:22:13,240 such terrible hatred to me that your subconscious mind 501 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:14,770 drives you to attack me. 502 00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:16,726 Oh, come on... No, no, I mean it. 503 00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:19,596 I've never told you this before, I've never told anyone, 504 00:22:19,620 --> 00:22:22,850 but my ex-wife, Gloria, used to hit me on the head. 505 00:22:25,750 --> 00:22:27,970 What's wrong with me, anyway? 506 00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:30,056 Nothing, Felix. Will you cut it out? 507 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,556 All right. There's just one thing. 508 00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:35,450 I don't want you to feel any guilt whatsoever. 509 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,820 The fault is not yours. 510 00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:41,660 There's something in me that brings out this ugly, 511 00:22:41,730 --> 00:22:45,130 animal, terrible viciousness. 512 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,640 I'm a bad seed, Oscar. 513 00:22:48,730 --> 00:22:50,830 Felix, cut it out. 514 00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:52,076 Don't cry, will you? 515 00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,416 I, I can't stand to see a grown man cry. 516 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,146 Felix, please, will you cut it out. Will you stop it! 517 00:22:56,170 --> 00:22:57,940 That does it, Felix! 518 00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:00,970 I can put up with a devout hypochondriac. 519 00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:02,826 I can stand a man who has won 520 00:23:02,850 --> 00:23:05,050 all the awards for cleaning. 521 00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:10,530 I can even understand why you vacuum the shower curtain. 522 00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:13,936 But I can't take you being a martyr. 523 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,936 I refuse to live with Joan of Arc! 524 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,776 So you take your pats, and your pits, 525 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,876 and take your pills and your pains, 526 00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:24,290 and take your pots and your pans and your pouting and pull out! 527 00:23:26,420 --> 00:23:28,980 That's what's been missing, Oscar. 528 00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:31,460 You haven't been yelling at me. 529 00:23:31,530 --> 00:23:33,036 I've been trying to be nice to you. 530 00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:35,310 Aha! That's it! 531 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,206 What's it? Hostility. 532 00:23:37,230 --> 00:23:39,860 Repressed during the day, erupts at night. 533 00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:42,246 Freud! Dreams and the subconscious. 534 00:23:42,270 --> 00:23:43,466 I know that's the answer. 535 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:44,546 It is? 536 00:23:44,570 --> 00:23:46,050 Yes, we can work this out. 537 00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:48,206 You really think we can? Of course. 538 00:23:48,230 --> 00:23:51,230 The main thing is... You must never be nice to me. 539 00:23:53,330 --> 00:23:54,260 What do you mean by that? 540 00:23:54,330 --> 00:23:56,890 If you feel hostile, act hostile. 541 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,090 Let it all hang out. 542 00:23:59,150 --> 00:24:00,680 I'll try anything. 543 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,396 Yes, the main thing is that we must be 544 00:24:02,420 --> 00:24:05,150 emotionally honest with each other at all times. 545 00:24:05,230 --> 00:24:07,276 I'll be honest with you right now, Felix... I got to go to work. 546 00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:09,376 And I'm going to have breakfast. Okay. 547 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,570 My appetite is back! Eggs and orange juice. Great! 548 00:24:12,630 --> 00:24:14,416 Terrific! I'll see you tonight. 549 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,280 To us. 550 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,990 How is the orange juice? 551 00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:20,306 Perfect. 552 00:24:20,330 --> 00:24:22,890 Oh, marvelous, good! I'll see you tonight. 553 00:24:23,550 --> 00:24:25,980 Pit. 554 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,130 Oh, come on, will ya? 555 00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:37,786 Listen, I yelled at you a lot today, 556 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,626 so I probably won't be sleepwalking tonight. 557 00:24:39,650 --> 00:24:42,076 But in case I do, I want you to hit me first, 558 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,606 so we'll be even. That won't be necessary, Oscar. 559 00:24:44,630 --> 00:24:46,046 No, I want you to hit me. Come on. 560 00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:47,876 Oh, no, don't be silly. Come on, I'll feel guilty. 561 00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,836 Now, I want you to hit me. I can't! 562 00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:50,936 Felix, will you hit me? No! 563 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,330 Hit me! 36698