Original subtitles

So you punched a crocodile in the face?

Oh, that's the dream.

Brainstorm. Feature article:

�Nature's Stickiest...�

- �Trees.� - Guys, do you mind?

Brainstorm. �America's Next Top...�

�Tortoise.�

Brainstorm. �World's Lumpiest...�

- �Snakes!� Yes! - �Snakes!� Yes!

I'm sorry.

I'm calling from a train terminal in India.

I love it. Snakes. Jack, what do you think?

Jack.

Snakes. Jack. Snakes. Jack!

- Jack! - Clark! Phone!

Jack! Snakes!

Guys...

I finally picked our number one

outdoor reality show of the year.

Dogsled Wives of Alaska.

[Clark and Mason laugh]

This is where Darlene's all like,

�That's my Ski-Doo, bitch.�

DARLENE: That's my Ski-Doo, bitch.

- [laughing] - Let me find a quieter spot.

The 2:00 from Mumbai just unloaded.

[ice rattling loudly]

I'm making water.

[tranquil music playing]

Well, this is infuriating.

Brooke, I-I need my own office.

I just wasted a phone call with Gabriel Kincaid.

No.

Do you know who that is?

No.

He's the survivalist who spent the last 13 years

in the Outback with very little human contact.

Well, then how could I possibly know him?

All right.

I am a little tight on space, but I'll figure it out.

Is that all?

I'm sorry, this pose brings back a lot of memories.

Oh, Jack, please.

Oh, yeah, and you said that a lot, too.

- Jack, get out! - That, too.

[elevator bell dings]

- You're happy. - Yeah.

I'm getting my own office today. No, not you, Jack.

I'm doing my morning affirmations.

You're happy. You're powerful.

All that oppose you shall perish.

Super.

Jack, say hello to your new office.

You're happy.

You're powerful.

All who oppose you shall perish.

[eagle screeches]

? ?

? Synced and corrected by javiernv ? ? www.addic7ed.com ?

[phone ringing]

What are they?

They're like bathroom stalls,

except the toilets are us.

These were in the bullpen in the '90s.

They're cubicles.

I'm sorry there aren't any offices free,

but I did some research, and a lot of top companies

are bringing back cubicles for productivity.

I'm pretty sure I saw it in a TED Talk.

Guys, everything's fine.

Brooke saw it in a TED Talk.

I know I'm convinced.

There's no way

you're getting the Power Rangers on board with office cubes.

Clark, Mason, Emma, I want you to think of these

as a work fort.

ALL: Work fort!

"Looks like I'm getting your old cube, �Ashley�"

Wow, and all her stuff's still here.

Who's Lilith Fair?

Lilith Fair is not a person; it's a celebration.

Hmm.

Aside from the remarkably strong odor of SnackWell's,

this isn't so bad.

CLARK: What's that, Jack? What's not bad?

Jack? Jack, you still there?

Jack? Jack? Jack?

Jack? Jack.

"�Jack? Jack? Jack�"

I'll skip ahead ten minutes.

�Jack? Jack? Jack?�

Yeah, I saved a man's life today at work,

but you were right to go first.

Uh, speaking of which, I have some sort of big news.

- Okay, I'll bite. - Um...

sorry, Eddie, it's actually a me and Jack thing.

You know he's gonna tell me as soon as you leave.

Do we have to do this dance?

All right, let's split the difference.

You can eavesdrop from the next booth.

Cool.

What's up?

Well, I might be getting a job offer

to work with the Toronto Raptors.

[Eddie gasps]

Wait, y-you're thinking about moving to Canada

to work for a clearly made-up basketball team?

I don't know.

They want me to be the team doctor.

I mean, that would be a huge step up from my job

with the Bulls, but obviously...

- You'd be paid in Canadian dollars. - No.

I was talking about us.

Right.

What would that mean for us?

What would that mean for us?

Eddie.

I don't know, I mean... [sighs]

I-I really can't ask you to not take the job.

And I can't ask you to move up

to that godforsaken frozen wasteland.

And the long-distance thing.

Pfft, what, are we dumb high school sweethearts

off to different colleges?

Well, um...

if you do get that offer,

I-I guess you have to do what's best for your career.

Honestly, just tell me if I did something wrong.

You don't have to make up a fake dinosaur basketball team.

[laughs] They're a real team.

They played the Wizards last night.

Okay, yeah. �The Wizards.� Mm-hmm.

[phone chimes]

Oh, crap, I have to go.

One of my small forwards got stung by a bee.

Bye.

Bye.

Jack, I couldn't help but overhear.

You want to talk about it?

I'm fine. Nothing's been decided yet.

Okay.

I'm just worried about you.

If this turns into a full-on breakup,

you're gonna need to be with people.

If that happens, I'll give you a call.

Yeah, but tomorrow I have my final exam.

For the Magician's Academy.

So my hands will be... tied.

Unless I... escape.

I should go study.

Howdy, neighbor.

Clark, I told you, no talking over the wall.

I got a lot going on right now.

Right. Got it.

Ding. Going down.

Whoa, Mase, look at this old photo of Ashley.

MASON: Wow. That girl was fit.

I can't believe she worked out

before social media was around to shame us.

Yeah. According to this paper electronic calendar,

she went to the gym every day.

At 5:00 a.m.?

5:00? I thought A.M. started at 8:30.

Ashley might be the strong, female role model

I've been looking for.

Jack, do you remember an Ashley that worked here?

If you're talking over the wall, I can't hear you.

Jack, do you remember Ashley?!

[cell phone rings]

Gabriel, hey. Thanks for calling back.

CLARK: Jack, are-are you talking to me?

Ooh, did you see the new Dogsled Wives clip?

DARLENE: Are you saying my husky's a bitch?

You the husky bitch, bitch.

[both laugh]

You have to send that to all of us.

Okay.

DARLENE: You the husky bitch, bitch.

[repeating, overlapping]: You the husky bitch, bitch.

Mm-hmm.

[repeating, overlapping]: You the husky bitch, bitch.

CLARK: Hey, heads up.

Coming in hot.

Hold on. Something important has come up.

Here's Clarkie!

What are you doing?

But I know you said you don't like talking over the wall,

so I made us a private window.

Now I can see you in all your glory.

So you... made a glory hole.

Yeah, I-I'm back. Sorry.

Psst.

You want a little nibble on my churro?

DARLENE: You the husky bitch, bitch.

Jack, come on. Don't leave me dangling.

Aw. [mutters]

Brooke, I need my own office

or a place to hide three bodies... your choice.

Look, I know the grass looks greener,

but having your own office is no picnic.

There is literally a cheese plate next to you on the floor.

Yeah, well, it's mostly cheddar.

Anyway,

an office can be lonely.

I love loneliness. Loneliness is my boy.

I don't think you're as much of a lone wolf

as you'd like to believe.

And we all need human contact.

I know sometimes I miss it.

Great. Let's switch work spaces.

I... don't know.

The bullpen's always reminded me of high school,

where I had a bit of a problem with bullying.

But you're the boss. Who's gonna bully you? Clark?

Yesterday I saw him apologize before he bit into an apple.

Let's just switch

until I can finish the article.

[sighs] All right, fine, but I'm telling you,

having your own office is not as fun as it looks.

Ooh, whoa, ooh.

I should not have had that third glass of Chardonnay.

Well, time to pack up.

And... done.

Wait, you're leaving? Aren't you gonna miss us?

Clark... no.

Everyone,

don't bully Brooke.

Even though when I did, I got her office.

Aw.

Didn't know you were bullied growing up.

Oh, I... I was the bully.

Really?

Wow, I can't believe people were afraid of you.

Hmm.

And I can't believe you have the confidence

to wear short sleeves.

What?

Why would... it's because I...

I'm getting a sweater.

This Ashley woman was a badass.

Do you think Jack knows how to find her?

Yeah, I would not ask Jack about Ashley.

Why?

Wait, do they have a history? I have to find out.

Are you gonna drink that soda?

The one in my hand?

Yeah.

Um, I guess not.

[whispers]: Thank you.

Hey, Clark.

[chuckles]: Hey, stranger.

How's the cube life?

Honestly, it sucks.

This whole new setup has made my story ideas

weak and uninspiring.

Like your triceps.

Same over here.

All I could come up with today is

"�So You Think You Can Tortoise�"

Brainstorm. Maybe we shouldn't be working...

Apart. You know what we should do?

Kill yourselves?

MASON and CLARK: Work together!

Aw, you best be calling me my mom's new boyfriend

'cause I'm moving in.

Bye, mean Brooke.

Emma?

Mason?

Clark?

[knocking on door]

- Oh. - Hey.

- Phew. - Sorry.

I see you got the office...

of a working woman on the go.

Mm.

Sorry to just drop in like this.

No, no, it's a nice surprise.

Especially... if it's a sex thing.

It's not.

Can it be a sex thing?

I'm taking the job.

Whoa.

Boy, some sex would really soften the blow.

Jack, I'm sorry.

It's such a great offer. I'd be crazy not to take it.

And we're just not in a place where it makes sense for me

to turn it down.

No, I-I get it.

It's the... Toronto Raptors.

So, uh...

this is it?

Yeah.

When do you leave?

Not for a few days.

But I should get back to work.

Of course, of course.

We'll talk tonight?

Uh, congratulations.

[door closes]

Emma?

Mason?

[softly]: Clark?

Figures.

Right when Jack needs me.

I should've studied more.

[laughter]

Gentlemen!

Hey, just grabbing some penskies,

thought I'd stop by and see how my old crew was doing.

The road dogs.

Which one of our cars did you hit on your way into work?

Oh, that is hilarious.

Kind of dinged 'em both. [chuckles]

Quick Q:

what's on tap for the brew crew this weekend?

Jack, it's Tuesday. Oh.

So, your dance card is open.

[deep voice]: That's a t-two-for-Tuesday.

Wait, did you come by just to hang out?

Oh, my God, you miss us.

Miss you? Please.

Let me give you a list of things I miss:

the XFL.

End of list.

Someone's too proud to admit he actually wants to be around us.

I just came out here to grab some penskies

and gab about your various dealy-o's,

but if the road dogs are too full of nonsense,

then I'm just gonna move on to... Emma.

Emma! M&M-a.

M-dot. Give me the download.

Well, I've been modeling my life

after an old employee named Ashley.

Maybe you knew her?

I don't know anyone.

[gasps] You did know her!

And something happened between you.

Did you hook up? Did you love her?

Oh, my God, you killed Ashley in a crime of passion!

Yep, and I ate her corpse. You solved the cold case.

On to Brooke.

Basically, I was like,

�Panty lines are the least of your worries, Caroline.�

[women laugh]

[laughs]

Oh, Caroline.

When will you get it right?

What are you laughing at? You didn't even hear the joke.

No, I-I heard enough of it to get the gist.

It was funny.

I don't know, I liked it.

FYI, I'm wrapping up the article in case you want to chat,

talk, switch back.

Uh, switch back?

Oh, no, Jack, I can't do that.

I haven't felt this alive since high school.

I thought high school was a tough time.

Yeah, for everyone else.

See, we moved around a lot while I was growing up,

and I got pretty good at dominating new social scenes.

Please let me have a little bit longer.

Oh, that's weird.

Why can I see the bottom of my cup?

[laughs]

Oh. Excuse me.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You want some? Mm.

Sorry.

Sorry again.

? ?

That's it!

We are too close!

I can't even think with your eating!

It's amazing I even can eat.

You wear so much cologne, you smell like an Uber driver

who drove through a Macy's.

Brainstorm!

We need some brainstorming again separately because...

BOTH: While we valiantly tried to replicate

our original working conditions,

we are clearly not on the same page anymore!

Fine! Fine! Fine!

? ?

? ?

Hey, Clark?

There's an entire page in here where Ashley practiced

signing �Ashley Gordon� over and over again.

Oh, my God, Ashley didn't break Jack's heart,

Jack broke Ashley's.

And then he ate her.

Clark?

Mason?

Clark! Mason!

I miss working with you.

It's these cubicles; they're killing our magic.

You're right. I know they were put here to bring us together...

No, they weren't.

But instead,

it's as if they've put...

- walls between us. - They have.

We got to talk to Brooke about getting rid of these cubes.

[women laugh]

Or Jack.

Yeah, Jack. Jack seems right.

Jack, we need you to...

Hold on.

Lying on the floor, Facebook-stalking Rachel,

eating junk food. [gasps]

You guys broke up!

Rachel is moving to Toronto.

And...

I actually found myself wanting to talk to you guys about it.

ALL: Aw!

Wait, so this morning, you weren't looking for penskies,

you were looking for friendskies.

Clark? In the corner.

Yeah.

Oh, no, Blair Witch style.

I got to tell you,

she was the first woman I cared about in a long time.

I'm really gonna miss her.

Well, that's all I needed. I'm good. Thanks, guys.

You're welcome.

Now please tell me what happened with you and Ashley.

I... there's nothing to tell.

Plenty of people worked in that bullpen,

and who am I to remember all of them?

[echoing]: Who am I to remember all of them?

[distorted]: Who am I to remember all of them?

? ?

Who...

am...

I...

Oh, my God.

Ashley is Jack.

Jack is Ashley.

[gasps] You have a girl's name!

[both gasp]

It's true.

My real name... is Ashley Gordon.

When I first started here,

I went by Ashley,

but after a barrage of sexist fan mail,

I caved and decided to go with my middle name: Jack.

So you're the strong female mentor

I've been looking for.

I've always been that.

I want to thank you guys again

for letting me talk to you about Rachel.

If you ever need me to return the favor...

Oh, this is why you came here, isn't it?

JACK: These cubes have been a disaster.

They're coming down.

Yeah, it's probably for the best.

There's a monster inside of me, Jack.

An effortlessly popular monster.

Everybody! Back up!

Probably should have just let facilities take those down.

Well, you deserve this.

It's gonna be great for you.

Thanks, Jack.

[elevator bell dings]

Is this gonna be one of those things where we say

something awkward and then never see each other again?

No, that's not us.

Later days, mayonnaise.

Nailed it.

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