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1
00:00:00,976 --> 00:00:03,326
Okay, since we have a lot of work to do,
2
00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,748
let's start with your interruptions.
3
00:00:06,508 --> 00:00:08,575
So, last night, where'd you party?
4
00:00:08,577 --> 00:00:11,144
Who'd you make out with?
What bird attacked you?
5
00:00:11,146 --> 00:00:13,179
Oxygen Bar. Bathroom attendant.
6
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,548
Oh, I am banned from that pet store.
7
00:00:16,383 --> 00:00:19,219
? Who wants a box of free stuff? ?
8
00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:22,188
? I've got a box of free stuff. ?
9
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,924
Yes. Boop, boop.
10
00:00:24,797 --> 00:00:27,627
I enjoyed that more than I should have.
11
00:00:27,629 --> 00:00:29,266
So it turns out everyone wants a piece
12
00:00:29,291 --> 00:00:32,632
of our �Adventure Destination�"
issue, so sponsors are
13
00:00:32,634 --> 00:00:34,367
flooding us with free products.
14
00:00:34,369 --> 00:00:37,871
Yes, it's the forbidden dance
between journalism and commerce.
15
00:00:37,873 --> 00:00:40,140
Like two nervous lovers,
16
00:00:40,142 --> 00:00:43,899
hungrily pawing each
other in a tattered futon.
17
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:46,880
That's, like, straight from my diary.
18
00:00:46,882 --> 00:00:49,249
Yes, you left it in the men's room.
19
00:00:50,478 --> 00:00:54,313
Now, you all know that the
�Adventure Destinations� issue
20
00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:56,508
is our biggest revenue generator,
21
00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:59,501
second only to our �Sexiest
Sherpas� calendar.
22
00:01:01,730 --> 00:01:05,498
Oh, I would love to see what's
hiding under that tee-tung.
23
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:09,734
Right. So, uh, let's have at it.
24
00:01:09,759 --> 00:01:11,926
All right, so you all work
on product integration,
25
00:01:11,951 --> 00:01:14,719
and I will come up with a
feature idea this weekend.
26
00:01:14,744 --> 00:01:17,512
It's a big, big...
27
00:01:17,913 --> 00:01:19,379
big responsibility.
28
00:01:19,381 --> 00:01:20,289
Oh.
29
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:23,315
Yes. Don't forget your thesaurus.
30
00:01:24,671 --> 00:01:26,337
What about a story on the best place
31
00:01:26,362 --> 00:01:28,529
to use this exotic bird caller?
32
00:01:28,657 --> 00:01:30,924
[makes goofy bird call]
33
00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:34,694
That's a funnel so female
hikers can urinate standing up.
34
00:01:34,696 --> 00:01:37,453
Why would anyone ever use this?
35
00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:40,012
Oh, there you are.
36
00:01:43,638 --> 00:01:46,873
Okay, I have a lot of work this weekend,
37
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:48,875
but I scheduled three
hours for us tonight,
38
00:01:48,877 --> 00:01:51,544
so, do you want to have sex
before we go to the restaurant,
39
00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:53,113
or just hope we get an Uber driver
40
00:01:53,115 --> 00:01:54,914
who's willing to look the other way?
41
00:01:54,916 --> 00:01:57,384
First of all, we are never
gonna find another driver
42
00:01:57,386 --> 00:01:58,785
as cool as Bogdan.
43
00:01:58,787 --> 00:02:00,953
And slow down on the plans.
44
00:02:00,978 --> 00:02:02,911
You don't always have to be the man.
45
00:02:02,991 --> 00:02:06,059
[chuckles] That's not what
my mom said after Dad left.
46
00:02:06,061 --> 00:02:09,086
I'm just saying, Eddie
is gone for the weekend.
47
00:02:09,111 --> 00:02:12,469
What if I told you Con
Air is about to start?
48
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:14,601
It is?
49
00:02:14,603 --> 00:02:17,404
Well, technically, Con Air
is always about to start.
50
00:02:17,406 --> 00:02:18,671
Anyway, here.
51
00:02:19,282 --> 00:02:21,602
Sit. Here we go.
52
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,543
[groans]
53
00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,754
[sighs]
54
00:02:29,851 --> 00:02:32,797
So... now what?
55
00:02:34,089 --> 00:02:36,423
What just happened?
56
00:02:36,425 --> 00:02:38,539
I just spent 48 straight hours with you,
57
00:02:38,564 --> 00:02:40,960
and I don't want to murder you.
58
00:02:40,962 --> 00:02:42,362
[gasps]
59
00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:45,165
That's Jack speak for �I love you�
60
00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:46,232
[chuckles]
61
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,435
I don't want to murder you, either.
62
00:02:48,437 --> 00:02:50,270
- Well, I don't want to murder you.
- [laughs]
63
00:02:50,272 --> 00:02:51,871
Just your nose. Just your nose.
64
00:02:51,873 --> 00:02:53,606
- Don't...
- Hey, guys.
65
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:54,741
Whoa, looks like you haven't
66
00:02:54,743 --> 00:02:55,992
moved off that couch all weekend.
67
00:02:56,017 --> 00:02:56,953
We haven't.
68
00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:59,044
Except for most of our bathroom breaks.
69
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:01,147
Most?
70
00:03:01,149 --> 00:03:02,749
Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind,
71
00:03:02,751 --> 00:03:04,074
but I snagged some of your blankies.
72
00:03:04,099 --> 00:03:05,498
No problem.
73
00:03:06,535 --> 00:03:08,254
Did you say �blankies�?
74
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:10,768
No. That doesn't sound
like anything I would say,
75
00:03:10,793 --> 00:03:11,991
you silly goose.
76
00:03:11,993 --> 00:03:12,959
[laughs]
77
00:03:12,961 --> 00:03:14,294
Oh.
78
00:03:14,296 --> 00:03:15,738
My bad.
79
00:03:16,298 --> 00:03:17,897
Hey, excuse me, won't you?
80
00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:19,032
[laughs]
81
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:21,267
- JACK: You're a silly goose.
- [laughing]
82
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,736
We have a problem.
83
00:03:23,738 --> 00:03:26,806
Relationship Jack...
84
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:30,020
is back.
85
00:03:30,045 --> 00:03:31,277
[eagle screeches]
86
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,712
? ?
87
00:03:32,736 --> 00:03:35,792
? Synced and corrected by
javiernv ? ? www.addic7ed.com ?
88
00:03:35,817 --> 00:03:38,218
[phone ringing]
89
00:03:42,914 --> 00:03:44,265
Hey, Esther. How was your weekend?
90
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:46,757
Ugh. I got kicked out of
laser tag for playing topless,
91
00:03:46,751 --> 00:03:49,132
so I keyed every car in the parking lot.
92
00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:50,280
Mm-hmm.
93
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,277
Then what happened?
94
00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:56,715
You've never asked me
a follow-up question.
95
00:03:57,288 --> 00:03:59,444
I don't know what to do right now.
96
00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:02,048
Here's what you do: have a lovely day.
97
00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:05,205
Hello, cub reporters!
98
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:07,240
ROLAND: Um,
99
00:04:07,265 --> 00:04:09,564
Jack, you and I need to hop on that call
100
00:04:09,589 --> 00:04:12,690
to our Moscow-based law firm
101
00:04:12,715 --> 00:04:16,180
of Stoli, Smirnoff and,
uh... Kirkland Signature.
102
00:04:16,205 --> 00:04:17,604
Come on.
103
00:04:19,068 --> 00:04:22,611
I received a rather distressing
call from Edward last night.
104
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,746
Oh.
105
00:04:23,748 --> 00:04:25,291
Did he butt-dial you
from spin class again?
106
00:04:25,314 --> 00:04:26,313
No.
107
00:04:26,315 --> 00:04:27,064
Worse.
108
00:04:27,089 --> 00:04:31,335
Jack, you know how much I
admire your passion as a lover.
109
00:04:33,689 --> 00:04:34,955
It's cool.
110
00:04:34,957 --> 00:04:37,858
Totally normal way to start
a Monday morning meeting.
111
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,727
But I wouldn't want it to get in the way
112
00:04:39,729 --> 00:04:42,730
of your true love... Productivity.
113
00:04:42,732 --> 00:04:44,532
You know, you must admit that
114
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,434
sometimes passion gets the best of you.
115
00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:47,439
Yes, I know
116
00:04:47,464 --> 00:04:48,903
I've gotten distracted in the past,
117
00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:50,571
but that's not gonna happen this time.
118
00:04:50,573 --> 00:04:52,039
Excellent.
119
00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:53,841
So, uh, what feature ideas
120
00:04:53,843 --> 00:04:55,776
did you come up with over the weekend?
121
00:04:56,376 --> 00:04:59,203
Okay, this is gonna contradict
the thing I just said.
122
00:04:59,228 --> 00:05:01,916
Uh, I got nothing.
123
00:05:01,918 --> 00:05:05,525
I spent the weekend with Rachel
just living that snug life.
124
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,108
But I promise to stay late
tonight and-and get it all done.
125
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,205
Thank you.
126
00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:13,697
All I've ever wanted
is what's best for me.
127
00:05:14,197 --> 00:05:15,763
I think you meant to say...
128
00:05:15,765 --> 00:05:18,332
I know what I said.
129
00:05:20,328 --> 00:05:21,994
BROOKE: Aw.
130
00:05:22,019 --> 00:05:24,553
Look at those two cuddled up
like they're in the second half
131
00:05:24,578 --> 00:05:26,444
of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
132
00:05:28,211 --> 00:05:30,011
- It's sweet, isn't it?
- Oh, no.
133
00:05:30,036 --> 00:05:32,236
We are not rooting for this.
134
00:05:32,261 --> 00:05:34,495
That is Relationship Jack.
135
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,947
He's a nightmare, and a liar!
136
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,321
So, what's wrong with Jack being happy?
137
00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:43,724
Everything Jack Gordon
does, he does 110%,
138
00:05:43,726 --> 00:05:45,926
whether it's at the office, in love,
139
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:48,529
or, for three months, Scientology.
140
00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:50,798
EDDIE: But when he gets
that obsessed with one thing,
141
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,133
like a relationship...
142
00:05:52,135 --> 00:05:54,205
Everything else suffers.
143
00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:56,681
His relationships,
his-his... the magazine.
144
00:05:56,706 --> 00:05:58,873
Um, I don't know why I'm listing it out.
145
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,791
I said �everything else,� hmm?
146
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:04,445
Worst of all, that kind of
intensity scares people off.
147
00:06:04,961 --> 00:06:07,795
That's why his old girlfriend
Jessie cheated on him.
148
00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:10,020
That's also why he got
kicked out of Scientology.
149
00:06:10,063 --> 00:06:11,629
Mm. We have to
150
00:06:11,654 --> 00:06:13,587
get him to find some kind of balance.
151
00:06:13,589 --> 00:06:15,456
Otherwise, he's headed for a heartache.
152
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:16,824
And more importantly,
153
00:06:16,826 --> 00:06:19,393
the magazine's adventure
issue is doomed.
154
00:06:19,395 --> 00:06:21,650
I didn't sound dire enough.
155
00:06:22,131 --> 00:06:25,332
The adventure issue is doomed!
156
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,187
Come on. Jack's an adult.
157
00:06:28,212 --> 00:06:29,570
I'm sure he can be in a relationship
158
00:06:29,572 --> 00:06:31,038
and do his job at the same time.
159
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,574
I know, I know. I didn't
get you those feature ideas,
160
00:06:33,576 --> 00:06:35,476
but I have a great excuse.
161
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,479
She's five-foot-three and
made of unicorn giggles.
162
00:06:39,882 --> 00:06:42,148
So, are you gonna get those
ideas to us by tomorrow?
163
00:06:42,173 --> 00:06:44,518
Eddie, I need a bottle
of your finest shampers.
164
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,720
One glass, two straws.
165
00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:56,958
You see, Jack is our apex predator.
166
00:06:56,983 --> 00:07:00,017
But he's been tamed like
a, like a circus lion,
167
00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:03,671
or Amanda Bynes when she
was taken off Twitter.
168
00:07:04,654 --> 00:07:07,522
And that could upset our
entire office ecosystem.
169
00:07:07,977 --> 00:07:10,348
And so if talking to him
won't work, what do we do?
170
00:07:10,373 --> 00:07:13,781
Well, in the wild, you
stoke a predator's bloodlust
171
00:07:13,783 --> 00:07:15,549
by threatening its dominance.
172
00:07:15,551 --> 00:07:19,520
So we should confront
Jack with a weaker animal.
173
00:07:23,503 --> 00:07:25,336
W-Why you guys looking at me?
174
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,481
Is my mom's lipstick on my face again?
175
00:07:27,662 --> 00:07:30,730
Clark, you must directly challenge Jack
176
00:07:30,755 --> 00:07:32,054
- in his own territory.
- [sighs]
177
00:07:32,134 --> 00:07:33,754
So, come on, in the chair.
178
00:07:33,779 --> 00:07:36,980
In his chair. Oh, I don't...
don't know if I should, Roland.
179
00:07:37,173 --> 00:07:39,340
[sighs]
180
00:07:39,658 --> 00:07:43,544
Oh, Mommy, that's the stuff.
181
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,613
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
182
00:07:45,615 --> 00:07:47,414
I made breakfast in bed for Rachel.
183
00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:50,084
One thing led to another,
and before you know it,
184
00:07:50,086 --> 00:07:51,970
we're watching Bar Rescue.
185
00:07:53,282 --> 00:07:55,636
End this madness.
186
00:07:55,661 --> 00:08:00,297
Jack, we have a lot to do, so I
started the meeting without you.
187
00:08:00,322 --> 00:08:03,957
And you're gonna sit over
there where I normally do.
188
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,532
All right.
189
00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:09,847
Your assignment is to make this
�Destination Adventure� issue
190
00:08:09,872 --> 00:08:12,039
an out-of-the-park slam dunk.
191
00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:15,309
From here on in, I
will manage everything.
192
00:08:18,481 --> 00:08:20,514
So how does that make you feel, Jack?
193
00:08:20,822 --> 00:08:22,449
I'll tell you how that makes me feel.
194
00:08:22,451 --> 00:08:24,118
Hmm?
195
00:08:26,289 --> 00:08:28,789
Proud. You are a lifesaver, Clark.
196
00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:30,858
If you step up around the
office, that'll give me
197
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,594
more time to plan something
for Rachel's half-birthday.
198
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,275
It's exactly six months from today!
199
00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:39,733
Brooke, um,
200
00:08:39,735 --> 00:08:42,303
you and I need to hop
onto that call, uh,
201
00:08:42,305 --> 00:08:47,207
to the Mexican law firm of
Cuervo, Cazadores and, uh...
202
00:08:48,311 --> 00:08:49,811
...Kirkland Signature.
203
00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:54,789
I guess, in the meantime,
someone should start ranking
204
00:08:54,814 --> 00:08:57,217
those Costa Rican tree house hotels?
205
00:08:57,219 --> 00:08:58,085
I can do that.
206
00:08:58,087 --> 00:08:59,987
[sighs]
207
00:08:59,989 --> 00:09:04,325
And I could use a cup
of coffee, mostly milk.
208
00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:05,125
Sure.
209
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,460
[gasps]
210
00:09:11,423 --> 00:09:12,967
Nice try, chair.
211
00:09:14,117 --> 00:09:16,314
There's a new ass in town.
212
00:09:18,002 --> 00:09:21,709
Wow, Dad, I haven't been at
one of your secret day drinks
213
00:09:21,711 --> 00:09:23,384
since I was, like, 12.
214
00:09:23,409 --> 00:09:24,575
[chuckles]
215
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,180
Yeah, I do still feel bad about
216
00:09:26,182 --> 00:09:28,349
bringing that up at the custody hearing.
217
00:09:28,351 --> 00:09:29,616
Yeah.
218
00:09:29,618 --> 00:09:31,892
Uh, now, what are we
gonna do about Jack?
219
00:09:31,917 --> 00:09:35,022
Well, Jack is a predator
who's been domesticated.
220
00:09:35,024 --> 00:09:37,324
I mean, maybe we need to return
him to his natural habitat.
221
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:38,692
Yes, of course, but I'm afraid
222
00:09:38,694 --> 00:09:41,695
the Counting Crows
aren't touring anymore.
223
00:09:41,697 --> 00:09:44,296
No, but I have a better idea.
224
00:09:44,321 --> 00:09:45,632
You're just gonna have to trust me.
225
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:49,436
Yes, that's what you said
before the custody hearing.
226
00:09:51,602 --> 00:09:53,851
Jack! We've got exciting news.
227
00:09:53,876 --> 00:09:55,909
So do I. I'm buying a bread maker.
228
00:09:55,911 --> 00:09:57,277
Ugh.
229
00:09:57,876 --> 00:10:01,115
So our �Adventure Destination�
issue needs something big,
230
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:02,616
and what could be bigger than
231
00:10:02,618 --> 00:10:06,186
�Jack Gordon Returns
to the Outdoors�?
232
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,055
We're sending you back into the field.
233
00:10:08,057 --> 00:10:09,690
But I thought that wasn't in the budget.
234
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,558
Well, I could probably
divert some emergency funds
235
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,527
that I was going to invest in a,
236
00:10:13,552 --> 00:10:16,820
in a build-your-own-teddy-bear store.
237
00:10:17,144 --> 00:10:18,465
Well, how will this work?
238
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:19,666
Well, it's really simple.
239
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,135
The customer chooses a teddy bear,
240
00:10:21,137 --> 00:10:22,669
and then they can add little boots
241
00:10:22,671 --> 00:10:23,871
and scarves and rollerblades.
242
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,861
Look, you know that I would love
243
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:28,709
to go back in the field, but
I can't just take off now.
244
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,812
I'm really happy right now,
so I'm gonna have to pass.
245
00:10:35,326 --> 00:10:38,256
Okay, I've thought about it some more.
246
00:10:39,110 --> 00:10:42,003
Can you make two teddy
bears sewn into a hug?
247
00:10:42,953 --> 00:10:44,219
Get out.
248
00:10:50,144 --> 00:10:52,445
Oh, Jack. I didn't know
you were home today.
249
00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:53,512
Are you alone?
250
00:10:53,514 --> 00:10:55,448
A man in love is never alone.
251
00:10:57,284 --> 00:10:58,612
Rachel's taking a poop.
252
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,534
I told her she could
leave the door open,
253
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,659
but she said, �We're not there yet.�
254
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,605
Yeah, I've told you the same thing.
255
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:08,676
Shouldn't you be at work?
256
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,763
I'm noodling on some feature ideas
257
00:11:10,788 --> 00:11:13,823
from home today with
Rachy-Rache and the Huggy Bunch.
258
00:11:15,368 --> 00:11:17,502
Look, be in love,
259
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:20,219
but don't lose sight of everything else.
260
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,057
I won't.
261
00:11:21,082 --> 00:11:23,650
The Jack Gordon inspiration machine
262
00:11:23,675 --> 00:11:26,495
runs best on heart juice.
263
00:11:26,961 --> 00:11:29,695
I want to hurt you so very badly.
264
00:11:31,035 --> 00:11:35,037
All right, my dears, now, I
realize that Jack is taking
265
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:38,930
some personal time, but it's
important that we forge ahead.
266
00:11:38,955 --> 00:11:42,432
So let's just pretend he died.
267
00:11:43,690 --> 00:11:45,284
Guys, is it really true
268
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,146
we can't get anything done without Jack?
269
00:11:47,872 --> 00:11:50,246
It's stranger, though, because usually
270
00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:54,273
when-when an apex predator
like Jack leaves an ecosystem,
271
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:58,330
then an invasive species
will fill the void.
272
00:11:58,355 --> 00:12:00,122
[elevator bell dings]
273
00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:05,197
Morning, Esther.
274
00:12:05,199 --> 00:12:06,899
Morning, Jack.
275
00:12:08,756 --> 00:12:10,623
All right, Clark Scouts,
276
00:12:10,648 --> 00:12:13,949
today you earn your merit
badges in not sucking.
277
00:12:13,974 --> 00:12:15,607
Hey, Clark, we...
278
00:12:15,632 --> 00:12:17,198
Holy crap.
279
00:12:18,059 --> 00:12:19,692
Have you been working out?
280
00:12:20,916 --> 00:12:22,483
Where are your glasses?
281
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:23,922
Don't need 'em anymore.
282
00:12:23,947 --> 00:12:26,392
I'm seeing things a
lot more clearly now.
283
00:12:26,503 --> 00:12:28,536
Also, I put in my 'tacts.
284
00:12:30,419 --> 00:12:32,052
Now, work assignments. Bam!
285
00:12:32,093 --> 00:12:35,916
Kayaking in the Amazon.
Do not disappoint me.
286
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,465
Okay, Dad. I mean Jack.
I mean Clark. Whoa.
287
00:12:41,869 --> 00:12:43,802
A lot to unpack there.
288
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,204
Whap!
289
00:12:46,293 --> 00:12:48,257
Riding sea turtles in the Galapagos.
290
00:12:48,282 --> 00:12:50,282
Dazzle me, baby doll.
291
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:52,578
That's sexist...
292
00:12:52,619 --> 00:12:54,152
but okay.
293
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:56,982
BROOKE: Okay, great,
that's two articles,
294
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,617
but what am I supposed
to tell our sponsors
295
00:12:58,619 --> 00:13:00,019
about the rest of the issue?
296
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:02,521
You know, with Jack gone,
I've got twice as much work...
297
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:05,324
Oh, my God.
298
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:08,535
Your fingers are a miracle.
299
00:13:12,783 --> 00:13:14,249
So Clark's hot now.
300
00:13:14,368 --> 00:13:16,268
[sighs]: Oh!
301
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:18,604
Oh, I thought it was just me.
302
00:13:18,606 --> 00:13:20,926
It's like he doesn't
care what anyone thinks.
303
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,147
And that makes me want
to know what he thinks.
304
00:13:24,172 --> 00:13:26,606
I can't stop staring at his butt.
305
00:13:28,549 --> 00:13:30,649
Since he massaged me, it's...
306
00:13:30,651 --> 00:13:34,286
it's like I can see
colors for the first time.
307
00:13:34,558 --> 00:13:36,622
I never saw Clark as a sexual,
308
00:13:36,624 --> 00:13:39,363
or even a physical being,
309
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,683
but now... ooh, boy.
310
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,931
And let's not forget about his butt!
311
00:13:47,013 --> 00:13:49,346
All right, time to focus on the issue.
312
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:51,305
Jack is a lost cause.
313
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,496
Say that to my face, four-eyes.
314
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:56,819
Ah, two-eyes. You look good.
315
00:13:57,933 --> 00:13:59,940
I know you guys have had
your doubts about me lately,
316
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,580
but it's not like I've
forgotten how to do my job.
317
00:14:01,582 --> 00:14:04,450
In fact, I have come up
with the perfect feature idea
318
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,752
for our �Adventure
Destinations� issue.
319
00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:08,387
Well, that's wonderful!
320
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:11,690
Jack, I-I need you to know
that despite the numerous calls,
321
00:14:11,692 --> 00:14:14,093
the certified letters, and
the threatened legal action,
322
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:16,996
I never once doubted you.
323
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:22,057
Risk plus courage
324
00:14:22,082 --> 00:14:24,303
equals adventure.
325
00:14:24,305 --> 00:14:25,738
Okay. Strong stuff.
326
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:29,035
But the best adventure
is one that is shared.
327
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:30,960
With that special someone.
328
00:14:31,178 --> 00:14:34,013
Oh, crap.
329
00:14:34,015 --> 00:14:36,447
Why go anywhere when you can cuddle
330
00:14:36,472 --> 00:14:39,089
with your better half
and turn that vacation...
331
00:14:39,114 --> 00:14:40,180
Don't say it.
332
00:14:40,182 --> 00:14:43,249
...into a stay-cuddle-cation?
333
00:14:43,251 --> 00:14:44,417
[all groan]
334
00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:47,353
Jack, for once, I'm...
I am lost for words.
335
00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:50,590
Well, I got two of them: total suckage.
336
00:14:50,592 --> 00:14:52,433
Clark, that's so mean.
337
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:53,996
Don't stop.
338
00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:56,663
Well, maybe when you guys find love,
339
00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:57,683
you'll understand.
340
00:14:57,708 --> 00:14:59,076
Jack, I'm engaged.
341
00:14:59,101 --> 00:15:00,534
I've been married six times...
342
00:15:00,559 --> 00:15:02,425
Wait, wait, no.
343
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,227
Yeah, six times.
344
00:15:06,252 --> 00:15:08,585
Maybe I'm the only one
here who's truly happy,
345
00:15:08,610 --> 00:15:11,707
because I'm living my life
out loud, unapologetically.
346
00:15:11,732 --> 00:15:14,066
[all groan]
347
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:16,549
That's it, you are off this issue.
348
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:17,967
Off?
349
00:15:18,086 --> 00:15:20,121
You're dismissing me?
350
00:15:20,146 --> 00:15:22,511
Damn right I am.
351
00:15:23,273 --> 00:15:27,144
You are a disgrace
to rugged masculinity.
352
00:15:29,135 --> 00:15:32,035
You don't even deserve this beard.
353
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:33,824
The joke's on you.
354
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,715
I don't really need this anymore.
355
00:15:35,905 --> 00:15:37,605
Rachel's my beard now.
356
00:15:44,558 --> 00:15:47,046
We all heard that, right?
357
00:15:47,048 --> 00:15:49,249
E'rybody chill.
358
00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:52,352
I can handle all of
Jack's 'sponsibilities.
359
00:15:52,354 --> 00:15:54,420
So you're gonna edit the entire magazine
360
00:15:54,422 --> 00:15:56,222
and write a feature from scratch?
361
00:15:56,224 --> 00:15:57,557
In 24 hours?
362
00:15:57,559 --> 00:15:59,918
[snorts] I can do it in eight.
363
00:15:59,943 --> 00:16:03,511
Seven, if I don't get too distracted.
364
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,700
Clark, I don't want to cast doubt
365
00:16:07,702 --> 00:16:11,379
on your leadership instincts,
but do you have any?
366
00:16:12,144 --> 00:16:14,971
Not a one, Ro-Ro. [chuckles]
367
00:16:14,996 --> 00:16:16,409
Not a one.
368
00:16:16,411 --> 00:16:18,278
Beep-a-beep-a-bada.
369
00:16:24,949 --> 00:16:26,754
You know, I've always fancied myself
370
00:16:26,779 --> 00:16:28,078
as a hopeless romantic,
371
00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:30,726
but the sight of Jack
in love makes me want to
372
00:16:30,751 --> 00:16:34,954
punch myself in the
groin until I vomit blood.
373
00:16:34,956 --> 00:16:39,492
Ah, here comes the foul temptress now.
374
00:16:40,813 --> 00:16:43,118
If you're looking for your
big spoon, he's upstairs.
375
00:16:43,143 --> 00:16:45,446
Oh, I know exactly where he is, thanks.
376
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:48,000
I needed a breather, so I snuck out
377
00:16:48,002 --> 00:16:49,969
while he was looking
for a pair of sweatpants
378
00:16:49,971 --> 00:16:52,415
big enough for us to share.
379
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,241
Wait, so you're sick of
Relationship Jack already?
380
00:16:55,266 --> 00:16:58,365
I just wanted him to
focus on us a little more.
381
00:16:58,390 --> 00:17:01,829
I didn't know I was
unleashing the Cuddle Kraken.
382
00:17:02,181 --> 00:17:03,647
We've got to do something.
383
00:17:03,672 --> 00:17:04,469
Agreed.
384
00:17:04,494 --> 00:17:06,695
Usually I would let a wild species
385
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,287
evolve on its own, but screw that noise.
386
00:17:09,312 --> 00:17:11,879
I say we drug Jack,
take him to the woods,
387
00:17:11,904 --> 00:17:14,104
and reprogram him.
388
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:17,052
I was gonna suggest having
a serious talk with him.
389
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,644
Fine, we'll do it the hard way.
390
00:17:24,813 --> 00:17:25,971
Oh, hey.
391
00:17:25,973 --> 00:17:29,032
It looks like someone drafted
my fantasy snuggle team.
392
00:17:30,281 --> 00:17:32,189
We need to talk to you, Jack.
393
00:17:32,613 --> 00:17:34,680
You haven't been yourself lately.
394
00:17:34,682 --> 00:17:37,182
You promised you'd try and
find some kind of balance,
395
00:17:37,184 --> 00:17:40,986
but instead, once again,
you've hurled your entire being
396
00:17:40,988 --> 00:17:42,187
into one thing.
397
00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:44,430
Maybe don't call me a thing.
398
00:17:45,282 --> 00:17:46,759
It's not just Relationship Jack
399
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,594
we've had to deal with over the years.
400
00:17:48,596 --> 00:17:51,290
There have been so many obsessive Jacks.
401
00:17:51,315 --> 00:17:53,248
Yeah, there was Swing Dancing Jack...
402
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:54,352
Burning Man Jack...
403
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,910
Oh, and let's not forget the
celebrity gambling phase...
404
00:17:57,153 --> 00:17:59,521
Jack Black Blackjack Jack.
405
00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:01,740
All right, so I'm a little obsessive.
406
00:18:01,742 --> 00:18:04,594
But when I find something I'm
passionate about, I go all-in.
407
00:18:04,679 --> 00:18:06,779
And because of that, it never ends well.
408
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,948
But you know what the
saddest Jack of all is?
409
00:18:09,114 --> 00:18:11,214
Post-relationship Jack.
410
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:14,033
Oh, my God.
411
00:18:16,332 --> 00:18:18,399
That was right after your
old girlfriend Jessie left.
412
00:18:18,424 --> 00:18:20,123
Look at how miserable that guy is.
413
00:18:20,148 --> 00:18:22,115
And see how bloated he is.
414
00:18:23,575 --> 00:18:25,375
H-How much weight did I gain?
415
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,080
Enough for your neck
to develop side-boobs,
416
00:18:28,105 --> 00:18:30,305
but that's not really important.
417
00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:33,382
The point is that you...
you neglected your job
418
00:18:33,407 --> 00:18:36,399
and your friends for
Jessie, so when she left,
419
00:18:36,478 --> 00:18:38,077
you had nothing.
420
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:39,751
I'm doing that again.
421
00:18:40,677 --> 00:18:41,546
Why?
422
00:18:42,617 --> 00:18:44,626
Why am I so puffy?
423
00:18:46,723 --> 00:18:50,266
I love that you are all-in on us,
424
00:18:50,291 --> 00:18:53,540
but what if you were 20% less in?
425
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:56,028
Because I don't want you
to lose all the things
426
00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:58,376
that made me fall for
you in the first place.
427
00:18:58,401 --> 00:18:59,566
I'm sorry.
428
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:02,138
I haven't been a great
friend or coworker,
429
00:19:02,163 --> 00:19:06,131
and you deserve the best,
most tolerant version of me.
430
00:19:06,173 --> 00:19:08,607
Not the guy who looks like patient-zero
431
00:19:08,609 --> 00:19:10,476
for lactose intolerance.
432
00:19:14,682 --> 00:19:17,483
Clark, the issue goes
live in 45 minutes.
433
00:19:17,485 --> 00:19:19,151
You promised you'd cover
the feature article.
434
00:19:19,153 --> 00:19:21,915
I promised a lot of things, little lady.
435
00:19:23,602 --> 00:19:26,616
Okay, you do realize that
just saying things confidently
436
00:19:26,641 --> 00:19:28,761
isn't a replacement
for actual leadership?
437
00:19:28,763 --> 00:19:31,030
You bet your ass I do.
438
00:19:33,110 --> 00:19:34,967
CLARK: Oh, Jack!
439
00:19:34,969 --> 00:19:37,703
You here to pitch an article
about the most exotic places
440
00:19:37,705 --> 00:19:39,985
for a man to pee sitting down?
441
00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:43,375
I really appreciate what
you've done for me this week.
442
00:19:43,377 --> 00:19:44,777
You've shown a lot of guts.
443
00:19:44,779 --> 00:19:47,546
Now... please get the
hell out of my chair.
444
00:19:47,548 --> 00:19:48,881
[sighs]
445
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:51,183
Thank God. That did not feel right.
446
00:19:51,185 --> 00:19:53,919
Back to being a couple links
further down the food chain.
447
00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:56,221
Welcome home, Clarky.
448
00:19:56,223 --> 00:19:58,836
BOTH: Aw.
449
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:00,198
All right, here's the feature.
450
00:20:00,235 --> 00:20:03,162
�Jack Gordon Hits Five
Continents in Five Days.�
451
00:20:03,164 --> 00:20:05,631
I'm gonna live-journal the
entire trip, which starts now.
452
00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:08,600
Emma, Mason, I need you to
create an interactive tracker.
453
00:20:08,602 --> 00:20:10,774
Oh, like when you order pizza online.
454
00:20:10,799 --> 00:20:12,071
Except the pizza's you.
455
00:20:12,106 --> 00:20:13,946
The pizza's always me.
456
00:20:16,654 --> 00:20:19,121
So will we ever see cool Clark again?
457
00:20:19,369 --> 00:20:21,457
Depends on who's looking for him...
458
00:20:21,537 --> 00:20:22,870
sugar boobs.
459
00:20:22,895 --> 00:20:24,494
Oh, my God!
460
00:20:29,657 --> 00:20:34,026
Jack, for the record, it
was nice to see you happy.
461
00:20:34,028 --> 00:20:36,008
Just not that happy.
462
00:20:36,821 --> 00:20:38,764
I know. I appreciate that.
463
00:20:38,766 --> 00:20:41,667
And I appreciate the
magazine paying for Rachel
464
00:20:41,669 --> 00:20:43,635
to join me on two of
the five continents.
465
00:20:43,637 --> 00:20:44,870
- We're doing what?
- Yeah.
466
00:20:44,872 --> 00:20:48,915
It's a working va-cuddle-cation. Bye!
467
00:20:48,965 --> 00:20:53,515
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