Original subtitles

- Aw! - Aw!

It's so cute, I just want to kiss her all over.

So, since we're testing new wetsuits

with linings that mimic her fur,

I brought in an actual otter for the photo shoot.

Zeb, how's the endurance test for the wetsuit going?

Not great.

I graduated from Princeton,

and now I'm trying to pee on myself to stay warm.

Careful, I tried that once

when my dad forgot to pick me up from ice skating.

It worked, and then it didn't.

This otter's so cute.

How do we not have a tiny tuxedo and a cigar right now?

Watch out because, like any animal,

if she feels cornered or threatened, she'll attack.

I know you said something important, but I just learned

face swap works on otters.

[Emma laughs]

Good morning.

Wait, wait, I know that smell.

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

- It's an otter. - MASON: Wow.

[applause] How did you do that?

Oh, the face swap's still on the screen.

But the otter is not the only cute visitor today.

Paul's gonna be coming in in a few minutes,

so I would really appreciate it if you could be nice to him.

Notice I'm talking to all of you

but looking directly at Jack.

All right, so we finally get to meet your fianc?.

He's a little bit nervous to begin with,

but once he warms up to you, he can be very sweet.

You realize that nothing you've ever said about him

contradicts the prevailing theory that Paul is a cat?

Paul is not a cat.

He's... people.

Is he bringing you lunch?

Maybe a dead bird?

No, he's popping in to go over a few things

for the party tonight.

Oh, right, your re-engagement party.

What a whimsical way of commemorating

over three years of cold feet.

Very funny.

No, we are celebrating because we did set a wedding date.

And I like the term "re-engagement."

I mean, what else are you supposed to call a party

after an engagement party?

Usually, it's called a wedding.

Look, Jack, I know mocking people is your twisted way

of showing people you care, but...

Oh, my God, is that true?

Paul is sensitive.

So please don't make fun of him.

Yes, of course, I won't make fun of him, starting...

Paul is a cat... now.

Thank you.

Ah, here he is.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hi, babe.

- Mwah. - Mwah.

Everyone, this is Paul.

Sorry I'm late, I, uh,

I curled up and fell asleep in that sunny spot

right near the window.

[restrained laugh]

[eagle screeches]

Synced and corrected by javiernv

www.addic7ed.com

[phone ringing]

So, you're Paul.

Yep, I'm Paul.

Rudd. Gotcha, I'm not Paul Rudd,

I wasn't in Clueless.

I'm Paul... Giamatti. Gotcha.

He's dead. No, he's not, still alive.

Gotcha again.

I don't know when to laugh.

No one does.

I come bearing gifts.

Uh, you must be Emma.

Brooke said you would love

strawberry apricot.

Oh, it's so cute!

It's a jam.

It's a preserve, but I'll let it go this time.

You must be Mason. And guess what.

This is in a Mason jar,

so that's obviously hysterical, Mason.

[laughs]

[forced laugh]

Hey, babe, I'm just gonna make a call

- and then we can head out. - Oh, great, great, great, great.

So I hear you guys are going out for the weekend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was, uh, I was pushing for Seattle.

They've got that cool market where they throw around fish.

I could watch that all day.

I bet you'd be there with bells on.

But, uh, we're headed to New Orleans where we got engaged.

Yeah. Hasn't that city been through enough?

Um, yeah, actually, that-that reminds me,

I've got all these photos from our first trip to New Orleans.

I was wondering if you guys could maybe throw together,

like, a-a slideshow for tonight?

- For tonight? Sure. - Oh.

Cool.

And, uh, Jack, uh,

can I see you for a t?te-?-t?te in the kitchenette?

Ooh, accidental rhyme.

Gotcha, I rhymed it on purpose.

[forced laughing]

[Jack and Paul laugh]

I can just whip this up on PowerPoint.

PowerPoint?

That's good if you're doing

a third grade book report, amateur.

[chuckling]: No.

We're doing iMovie.

iMovie?

I'm just gonna grab that idea

and drag it into the trash. [clicks tongue]

We're going with Final Cut Pro.

Okay, guys, love the passion,

but I'm gonna pull rank and say we go with my plan.

Pull rank?

Dude, you're not in charge of us...

- I am. - I am.

We should figure this out.

Totally.

Except I'm the one saying we should figure this out.

- "T?te-?-t?te, kitchenette." - [laughing]: Yeah.

Milk?

Oh, no, I'm-I'm lactose intolerant.

So, uh, Roland felt bad about being out of town,

so he, uh, he sent me a toast

for someone to read at the party tonight.

I think you would be perfect for that.

Oh, Paul,

you seem like a very nice guy,

so, what's a nice way to tell someone

that you don't want to do something?

[laughs]

I don't know what Brooke was talking about, you're funny.

Seriously, though, um,

I know it'd mean so much to her.

[snickers] Geez.

I've never... this speech has an intermission.

Yeah, sure, I'd love to.

Oh, fantastic, oh.

I knew we'd get along, we have so much in common.

Well, we have been in a lot of the same places.

CLARK: Duh, a Digital Conversation Specialist

obviously reports to the Online Content Curator.

Yeah, maybe in Iran.

Guys, have you spent this whole time arguing

over who has seniority?

Not the whole time.

The otter got bored, so we put her in the tank.

Jack, did you say they attack?

Only when cornered.

Well, this tank is nothing but corners!

Hey, hey, hey, party people.

You all set with the slideshow?

I am. I rented this projector from the library.

Gotcha. I actually paid $3,000 for it.

What?!

[laughs]

I'll see you guys up there.

Crap!

That was the perfect opportunity

to tell Paul we didn't do the slideshow!

Why did we spend all day arguing over the fact that

you two report to me?

Report to you?

I should fire both your asses.

Man, this speech is the most confusing and bloated thing

I've ever seen.

And I've seen manatees have sex.

That was for work, right?

Uh, sure.

You all right, man?

This whole Brooke and Paul engagement stuff

must be kind of awkward for you, huh?

Why would it be awkward?

Well, you're standing in for the father of the woman

you slept with at a party

to celebrate her re-engagement to someone who isn't you.

And your fly's down.

It's down on purpose; it's a power move.

[glass clinking]

Thank you all for coming.

I know there's been a bit of confusion over tonight,

so I just wanted to say that...

yes, this venue was our second choice.

[laughter]

This is the first I've heard of this.

A special thanks to

Clark, Mason and Emma for putting together

the fantastic slideshow we're all about to see.

[Brooke coos]

But first, Brooke, uh, I have a surprise.

I know you're really sad your father couldn't be here.

Roland couldn't get back from Canada in time,

but he wrote a toast.

And who better to read it than Jack Gordon?

Please say "Gotcha." [laughs]

[Jack clears throat]

"Brooke, you're the love of my life."

[guests gasp]

Oh, I should point out that I've already started

Roland's speech.

"Brooke, when I look in your eyes,

my world comes into focus."

You know what? Um...

I think Roland would be okay

if I just skipped to the highlights, uh...

Oh, this looks a little more safe.

"Thoughts on my family.

"Before you came into my life, Brooke,

"I was addicted to thrills in the outside world,

but I was hollow on the inside."

[Jack snores, chuckles nervously]

I'll find something that people can relate to. Ugh.

"Paul has a splendid sense of humor."

Nope. Uh...

"And he's a smart chap because only a fool

would not stay with you for..."

"...ever." Right.

Oh, great.

"Brooke, I love you more than you will ever know."

Geez,

this speech is so long and complicated.

It's just like Paul and Brooke's engagement.

[laughter]

I mean, am I right?

A re-engagement?

Someone get a shotgun, not for the wedding,

but to put this saga out of its misery.

[laughter]

How dare you, sir.

And, uh, of course, we're in Chicago.

Home of the World Series champs, the Cubs.

[cheering and applause]

And it's also home to Paul and Brooke,

another team of lovable losers

who won't get rings

for another 108 years.

[laughter]

Do me. Do me, please.

"Do me, please."

Oh, Alex, uh, what are

phrases never heard in Paul and Brooke's bedroom?

Ooh, direct hit. [nervous chuckle]

Cheers, everyone.

Mmm.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good. Let's, uh, let's keep this party going.

Gotcha. If you need me, I'll be getting drunk

and chasing pigeons in Grant Park.

Oh, no.

Come back.

What about our slideshow?

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, Esther, how you doin'?

Fine.

Just fine?

You don't want to tell me

about your creepy landlord leaving you processed meats?

Or how you turned your closet into a bat sanctuary?

Not today.

This might be the scariest conversation we've had yet.

Mason?

Emma?

Zeb?

[air bubbling]

Good morning, Clark.

Good morning, Clark.

I suppose you're all ignoring me

because of what happened last night?

So I told some jokes,

some of which may have gone too far,

but I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

MASON: No,

you just got uncomfortable making an emotional speech

and started putting down Paul.

In fact, if I didn't know any better,

I'd say there's something about Paul that threatens you.

And when Jack feels threatened or cornered, he attacks.

Jack's an emotional otter.

- Ooh... - Ooh...

Don't "ooh" like that's a thing.

That's not a thing.

Oh, look, he's threatened right now.

- He's ottering. - Ottering! Ottering!

- He's ottering! - Ottering is not a thing, all right?

And why would I be threatened by Jam Master Paul?

I mean, everyone else is too thin-skinned.

I mean, I wouldn't be upset if someone tried to mock my...

hmm.

I can't think of anything about me that's mock-able.

How about how you only use small mugs

so your hands look bigger?

Or how you look like a stretched out David Spade?

And how you take beard vitamins?

And how you think that Dave Matthews Band

is better than the Beatles?

Whatever. Clark, you want to get in on this?

No.

Come on, they're just jokes. They don't hurt.

- I don't want to be mean. - Burn me, Clark!

You look like you were built using irregular pieces

from Dax Shepard and Dirk Nowitzki. Oh, my...

Well, you see that this has proved my point:

none of this affects me.

And you're right, uh, if I have hurt anyone's feelings,

I will go apologize to Brooke.

It's obvious you're losing that battle against dad bod!

[gasps]

Dude, easy.

Oh, you shut up, nerdy Urkel. [gasps]

It's so intoxicating.

[knocks]

Brooke, uh,

I had a good talk with the kids from Stranger Things.

And I want to apologize for last night.

Yeah, well, you hurt Paul's feelings,

you mocked our relationship, and you ruined our party.

[Jack chuckles]

If you're gonna list things out individually,

we are gonna be here a long time.

All I asked is for you to be nice.

Is something bothering you or are you just a jerk?

Are those my only two options?

Well, then I guess I'm the jerk

that got carried away at your party.

But that's it. There's nothing else going on.

I mean, the point is, I'm really sorry.

Okay, thank you.

So, we're good, right?

Well, we will be, once you apologize to Paul, as well.

[groans] I have to do this aga...

You're right. I'm... I will.

So, we finally figured out the hierarchy.

I'm in charge of Clark,

Clark's in charge of Emma,

Emma's in charge of me?

The ol' rock-paper-scissors management structure.

Unorthodox but effective.

Yeah, this could be really cool.

Mason, get me a soda.

Clark, get Emma a soda.

Emma, get your own soda.

Guys, I'm gonna go apologize to Paul.

If I'm not back in an hour,

he's murdered me and jarred my remains.

[knocking at door]

Hey, Jack.

I assume you're gonna make fun of my apron?

No.

No, you totally pull it off.

Let me pull it off.

Paul, uh, I got carried away with the jokes at your party.

[scoffs] I was totally fine.

Gotcha... I was so mad, I was up all night capping jars.

You still have preserves on your face.

Really?

I-I-I'm just sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Oh, thanks. Maybe I was being overly sensitive.

You know, but can you really blame me?

Especially since, you know,

you and Brooke hooked up that one time.

Yeah, anyone would feel threatened.

Yeah, uh, but, uh, then I thought about it,

and, you know, you're going through a lot.

Dealing with that professional setback

of being stuck in the office now,

living with a roommate above a bar...

Okay, let's go back to you feeling threatened by me,

because that's the real point.

No, no, no, no.

I realized I'm fine. I mean,

I've got a ton of friends who all beg me to do stand-up.

I've got an enormously profitable preserves business.

You're rich from this stuff?

[chuckling]: Oh, very. Yeah.

Yeah, and best of all, I've got a great fianc?e,

and really, you know, that's what counts the most

for a hilarious dude in his early 30s.

Early 30s?

Still, thank you.

It takes a big man to apologize.

Oh, no, no. You are a much bigger man than me.

- No. - I mean, I don't know what I would do

if my fianc?e called in a former fling

and worked in the same office every day.

I mean, life, right?

[sighs]

Huh.

Never thought about those facts in that exact order.

Well, you are one cool cat.

Oh.

I love apologizing.

It makes me feel so much better than everyone else.

Then you're definitely not doing it right.

Jack Gordon, you absolute ass!

See?

You hinted to Paul I brought you back to work in the office

for some kind of romantic reason?

In the form of an apology.

This is serious.

He's called off our trip to New Orleans.

Brooke, I...

Oh, I need more time.

I didn't think you were gonna stop mid-storm-out.

Brooke, please!

I-I can't do it now.

It's too much pressure.

Sorry.

What's wrong with me?

So you ruined Brooke and Paul's party,

then caused a huge fight between them.

Do you want bartender advice or friend advice?

Bartender advice.

[in folksy accent]: Welp,

I'm just a simple bartender,

but it seems to me,

there might be something else going on here.

Mm-hmm. Let's go with friend advice.

Ow!

You're still hung up on Brooke.

I want to talk to the bartender again.

He's on break.

Look, I'm not hung up on Brooke. I mean it.

I mean, how could I be if I work with her

every single day?

Then what's the difference this time?

I don't know. Fianc?'s around?

What, are you in love with Paul?

Here's what I think it is...

I mean, meeting Paul, seeing them together,

all that stuff in Roland's speech

freaked me out and made me think that maybe that's what I want.

[in Irish brogue]: Well, who doesn't?

But you need to make things right.

[in Jamaican accent]: We all think so.

What-what are you, Irish or Jamaican?

Who am I talking to?

Guys, I need your help.

Clark, Jack needs your help.

Emma, Jack needs your help.

Mason, where's my damn soda?

Hey, you guys aren't still trying to figure out

who's in charge, are you?

- [All]: Yes. - It's me.

There, I helped you, now you need to help me.

I need to make a big gesture to Paul and Brooke.

No bad ideas.

How about a re-apology party?

Starting... That sucked... now.

Look, Jack, even if you wanted

to talk to both of us, there is nothing you could say

- to get Paul to come back here. - [elevator bell dings]

All right, Jack, where is this

"private stash of rare loganberries"?

Paul,

there are no loganberries. Just an apology.

Now,

I know I tease a lot of people,

and usually we all get a big kick out of it.

- No, we don't. - Sure we do,

but I overstepped with you.

I saw a happy couple and I lashed out.

And even though my insults were, top to bottom,

undeniably hilarious,

they were also hurtful.

And for that I apologize.

Thank you, Jack.

So, just to clarify, um...

there are no loganberries?

No, but

because I ruined your trip,

I had the kids put together a little surprise for you.

Really? What is it?

The curiosity might kill me.

Since you didn't go to New Orleans,

we brought a little bit of New Orleans...

to you!

[Cajun music playing]

JACK: Oh, my God.

Nope.

[music stops]

Was that a Christmas tree?

Probably. Anyway,

uh, I thought something like this might happen.

My friend, Connor, is a pilot.

He is waiting at O'Hare's private airfield

to take you to New Orleans tonight.

Wha...?

Here are the security passes to get you on the tarmac.

[laughs] Oh, thank you.

That is really thoughtful, Jack.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, I still think you're an arrogant jerk.

Gotcha. You won me over!

[Brooke laughs]

Oh. [chuckles]

You guys give me beads, I'll show 'em.

Esther, we're not doing that

- fake New Orleans thing anymore. - I know.

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