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1
00:00:03,359 --> 00:00:04,892
[elevator dings]
2
00:00:04,894 --> 00:00:06,294
Oh, hey, Esther, how you doing?
3
00:00:06,296 --> 00:00:07,662
Ugh, I got in a fight last night.
4
00:00:07,664 --> 00:00:09,630
But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.
5
00:00:09,632 --> 00:00:11,198
Okay.
6
00:00:13,169 --> 00:00:14,519
Exciting news, everyone!
7
00:00:14,544 --> 00:00:15,169
Roland...
8
00:00:15,171 --> 00:00:16,786
Cupcakes!
9
00:00:16,811 --> 00:00:18,973
Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake!
10
00:00:18,975 --> 00:00:20,408
- Cake, cake, cake!
- Cake, cake, cake!
11
00:00:20,410 --> 00:00:21,776
Wow, that's the fastest
I've ever gotten sick
12
00:00:21,778 --> 00:00:22,810
of being at work.
13
00:00:22,812 --> 00:00:25,279
These were a gift.
14
00:00:25,281 --> 00:00:26,647
I'm part of this program that matches
15
00:00:26,649 --> 00:00:28,616
young people with experienced mentors.
16
00:00:28,618 --> 00:00:29,784
Oh, who's your mentor?
17
00:00:29,786 --> 00:00:31,552
I'm the mentor.
18
00:00:32,370 --> 00:00:34,136
I'm 26.
19
00:00:34,490 --> 00:00:36,390
It's time for me to start giving back.
20
00:00:37,393 --> 00:00:38,859
Anyway, I've got some big news...
21
00:00:38,861 --> 00:00:40,294
Check it!
22
00:00:40,296 --> 00:00:42,380
Guess who just raided
the freebie closet?
23
00:00:42,405 --> 00:00:45,139
Ooh, Jack, you got nothin' on this.
24
00:00:45,515 --> 00:00:47,816
Clark, you look like Harry Potter
25
00:00:47,841 --> 00:00:49,507
if he had a short film at Sundance.
26
00:00:49,532 --> 00:00:51,132
[laughs]
27
00:00:51,157 --> 00:00:52,956
No, wait, Where's Waldo
after a three-day bender
28
00:00:52,975 --> 00:00:54,008
with Kiefer Sutherland.
29
00:00:54,112 --> 00:00:55,478
- Ha ha.
- You look like
30
00:00:55,503 --> 00:00:58,037
the worst pimp at the South Pole.
31
00:00:58,989 --> 00:01:01,690
You look like Super Mario
if he was at a rave in Ibiza.
32
00:01:01,715 --> 00:01:06,030
Ha, ha, so... so many accurate burns.
33
00:01:06,055 --> 00:01:07,802
[laughs]
34
00:01:07,827 --> 00:01:09,994
Jack, you were saying
something about exciting news?
35
00:01:10,054 --> 00:01:11,487
Oh, finally... Exciting news...
36
00:01:11,512 --> 00:01:14,012
Exciting news, everyone!
37
00:01:14,046 --> 00:01:16,651
I have been asked to
give a lecture this Sunday
38
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:20,044
at the prestigious
Chicago Adventure Society.
39
00:01:20,069 --> 00:01:21,669
- That's amazing.
- Oh!
40
00:01:21,671 --> 00:01:23,293
What-what was your exciting news?
41
00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:23,938
Bar is set
42
00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:25,673
pretty high now.
43
00:01:25,675 --> 00:01:29,443
Roland's been asked to speak at
the Chicago Adventure Society.
44
00:01:30,974 --> 00:01:31,712
Jack,
45
00:01:32,208 --> 00:01:34,115
I just told them that.
46
00:01:34,117 --> 00:01:36,283
I was getting to it but I got distracted
47
00:01:36,285 --> 00:01:40,054
by cupcakes and the drug
dealer on Sesame Street.
48
00:01:41,116 --> 00:01:44,022
Anyway, the club has requested
that I recount my ascent
49
00:01:44,047 --> 00:01:45,223
of Cerro Torre.
50
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:46,170
Oh! [gasps]
51
00:01:46,195 --> 00:01:47,216
Roland's first-person account
52
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:50,840
of reaching the summit is why
I became an adventure reporter.
53
00:01:50,865 --> 00:01:51,932
I was 20 years old, lost,
54
00:01:51,934 --> 00:01:54,363
looking for my calling,
having tons of sex.
55
00:01:54,388 --> 00:01:56,003
Yeah, there's no reason to
include sex in that part.
56
00:01:56,005 --> 00:01:57,037
Not one.
57
00:01:57,419 --> 00:01:58,806
I read that article
58
00:01:58,808 --> 00:02:00,040
and decided to track down Roland.
59
00:02:00,175 --> 00:02:01,375
Had sex that night.
60
00:02:01,668 --> 00:02:02,997
Found him the next day
61
00:02:03,346 --> 00:02:04,979
and asked for a job at this magazine.
62
00:02:04,981 --> 00:02:06,232
And now I want to take
63
00:02:06,257 --> 00:02:07,615
you guys on a field trip
64
00:02:07,617 --> 00:02:09,483
to meet some real explorers.
65
00:02:09,485 --> 00:02:11,786
Wait, are we going to
the Adventure Society?
66
00:02:11,788 --> 00:02:13,921
You'll all be my guests
because I've been bumped
67
00:02:13,923 --> 00:02:17,324
from associate to official
pending junior member.
68
00:02:17,326 --> 00:02:19,660
And you say we have made-up titles?
69
00:02:20,094 --> 00:02:23,230
It's time the indoor kids met
more of Roland's generation.
70
00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:24,698
People that fought in battles
71
00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:26,934
that weren't lip sync based.
72
00:02:26,936 --> 00:02:29,303
This is a club full of real men.
73
00:02:29,305 --> 00:02:31,672
And one or two token women.
74
00:02:31,674 --> 00:02:34,375
There was a lawsuit in the '80s.
75
00:02:34,672 --> 00:02:36,076
This is going to be so great.
76
00:02:36,078 --> 00:02:37,211
And they'll be so excited
77
00:02:37,213 --> 00:02:39,213
to meet Liberace's snowboard instructor.
78
00:02:40,049 --> 00:02:41,081
[eagle screeches]
79
00:02:41,083 --> 00:02:42,550
80
00:02:42,574 --> 00:02:45,763
Synced and corrected by javiernv
www.addic7ed.com
81
00:02:45,788 --> 00:02:47,188
[phone ringing]
82
00:02:49,025 --> 00:02:51,158
[laughter]
83
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,794
Roland, I heard you sailed
across the Caribbean again.
84
00:02:53,796 --> 00:02:55,496
Yes, well, you know, it's
difficult to find direct flights
85
00:02:55,498 --> 00:02:57,498
between my tax havens.
86
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,267
[laughter]
87
00:03:00,269 --> 00:03:02,002
You know what that unfamiliar scent is?
88
00:03:02,004 --> 00:03:04,505
True accomplishment.
89
00:03:04,507 --> 00:03:06,740
And four kinds of leather.
90
00:03:07,093 --> 00:03:09,460
Yes, off the record,
one of them is rhino.
91
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,217
Anyway, be cool, don't touch anything,
92
00:03:12,242 --> 00:03:13,941
and expect to hear some casual racism.
93
00:03:16,635 --> 00:03:17,901
[gasps]
94
00:03:17,926 --> 00:03:19,793
CLARK: It's the president
of the club, Mather Wilcox!
95
00:03:19,818 --> 00:03:20,621
Clark, don't emb...
96
00:03:20,623 --> 00:03:21,856
Did you say Mather Wilcox?!
97
00:03:21,858 --> 00:03:22,823
Mather!
98
00:03:22,825 --> 00:03:24,258
Hey, Mather!
99
00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:26,527
Who has two thumbs and just
got a new crevasse ice pulley?
100
00:03:26,529 --> 00:03:28,429
Pah-pow!
101
00:03:28,431 --> 00:03:29,678
Jack Gordon.
102
00:03:29,703 --> 00:03:34,598
Look at you, all grown up and
in your off-the-rack tweed.
103
00:03:34,623 --> 00:03:35,279
[laughter]
104
00:03:35,304 --> 00:03:36,670
Oh, this old thing?
105
00:03:36,672 --> 00:03:38,939
It's just something I threw on
106
00:03:38,941 --> 00:03:41,408
after agonizing over it for three hours.
107
00:03:42,053 --> 00:03:43,677
You look like a walking bagpipe.
108
00:03:43,679 --> 00:03:45,846
[chuckles]
109
00:03:45,848 --> 00:03:50,117
No, no, no, no, you look
like a Triscuit with pockets.
110
00:03:50,119 --> 00:03:54,215
No... ladies and gentlemen,
Sherlock Homeless!
111
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,055
[laughter]
112
00:03:55,057 --> 00:03:56,891
Ha, ha, ha.
113
00:03:56,893 --> 00:03:58,859
So many accurate burns.
114
00:04:00,169 --> 00:04:02,872
Oh, my God, you're their Clark.
115
00:04:03,099 --> 00:04:04,178
Shut up.
116
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,236
Ooh, they put out the fancy swords!
117
00:04:07,103 --> 00:04:11,030
[sighs]: Finally here
with my fellow explorers.
118
00:04:11,055 --> 00:04:13,923
Can't wait to be up on
that wall with my dudes.
119
00:04:14,951 --> 00:04:17,618
Yeah, you know what would go
great between Neil Armstrong
120
00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,146
and this dude covered in lion's blood?
121
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,871
A picture of you wearing
your t-shirt in the pool.
122
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,250
Hold on, my teenage prot?g? Briana
123
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:26,821
just got retweeted by Taylor Swift
124
00:04:26,846 --> 00:04:28,989
and now has more followers than me.
125
00:04:28,991 --> 00:04:33,337
I guess paying your dues isn't
in anymore, but what do I know?
126
00:04:33,362 --> 00:04:36,162
I'm 26 damn years old.
127
00:04:36,164 --> 00:04:39,132
Sounds like someone needs
to �Shake It Off�
128
00:04:39,134 --> 00:04:41,377
[laughs]: That's good.
129
00:04:41,402 --> 00:04:45,070
Oh, my God, I just
laughed at your mom humor.
130
00:04:45,889 --> 00:04:48,523
And I'm wearing a sensible button down?
131
00:04:48,713 --> 00:04:50,980
Is this menopause?
132
00:04:52,247 --> 00:04:55,580
From the briny deep
to the top of a peak
133
00:04:55,605 --> 00:04:57,938
Adventure is our game!
134
00:04:57,963 --> 00:05:00,315
Adventure is our game!
135
00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:01,406
[laughs]
136
00:05:01,477 --> 00:05:02,229
That was awesome.
137
00:05:02,254 --> 00:05:03,479
Up top, Trevor.
138
00:05:05,694 --> 00:05:06,960
Roland.
139
00:05:06,962 --> 00:05:09,167
Mather Wilcox.
140
00:05:09,192 --> 00:05:12,144
Well, well, well, and
on the second floor.
141
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,001
That must be the highest
elevation you've reached
142
00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:16,870
in some time.
143
00:05:16,872 --> 00:05:19,354
Well, this is the floor
that my office is on
144
00:05:19,379 --> 00:05:21,612
now that I'm the president of this club.
145
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,101
Yes, who needs to summit mountains
146
00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:27,604
when you've got the
closest parking spot?
147
00:05:27,606 --> 00:05:29,300
Attention!
148
00:05:29,325 --> 00:05:31,792
It's now time for Roland to regale us
149
00:05:31,817 --> 00:05:34,051
with his harrowing tale.
150
00:05:34,076 --> 00:05:38,545
Get ready for more pregnant
pauses than a Lamaze class.
151
00:05:38,584 --> 00:05:42,190
Man, when rich dudes throw
shade, it's so polite.
152
00:05:43,088 --> 00:05:46,206
I thought they fought with
falcons or held a hunger game.
153
00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:48,058
ROLAND: Firstly, may I say
154
00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:50,961
how thrilled I am that Mather
Wilcox could be with us.
155
00:05:50,963 --> 00:05:52,262
Since his last climb,
156
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:55,565
he's been dealing with
the most terrible ailment:
157
00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:57,834
Resting Bitch Face.
158
00:06:00,372 --> 00:06:01,183
[grunts]
159
00:06:01,208 --> 00:06:05,419
And so Arturo and I began our ascent,
160
00:06:05,444 --> 00:06:08,812
our eyes filled with hope,
our hearts full of courage,
161
00:06:08,814 --> 00:06:11,948
and Arturo's pack full
of rancid anchovies...
162
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:16,453
A prank I admit I didn't
fully think through.
163
00:06:16,455 --> 00:06:18,255
The storm passed,
164
00:06:18,257 --> 00:06:22,826
the clouds parted to reveal
that bewitching summit.
165
00:06:22,828 --> 00:06:27,697
In that moment, I was the
horniest I'd ever been.
166
00:06:29,201 --> 00:06:33,011
We gave one last swing of the ice axe,
167
00:06:33,089 --> 00:06:37,792
finally conquering that majestic whore.
168
00:06:38,944 --> 00:06:40,577
We grabbed Arturo's camera
169
00:06:40,579 --> 00:06:42,913
and did what anyone would
do: we took two selfies.
170
00:06:42,915 --> 00:06:47,184
One serious, and one like those
girls on Charlie's Angels.
171
00:06:48,115 --> 00:06:54,119
I held Arturo atop the peak
and commanded him to live!
172
00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:57,093
He smiled up at me
173
00:06:57,095 --> 00:07:01,131
and said, �Save yourself, Se?or Rolando.
174
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:07,037
Let me die here and become a
part of this glorious mountain�"
175
00:07:07,039 --> 00:07:09,940
Arturo cradled his smashed leg
176
00:07:09,942 --> 00:07:11,942
with his equally shattered arm
177
00:07:11,944 --> 00:07:14,878
and said, �Tell Carmen I love her.
178
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,748
And then tell my wife I love Carmen.�
179
00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:25,399
And then he expired in my arms.
180
00:07:27,276 --> 00:07:29,843
[applause]
181
00:07:30,785 --> 00:07:32,418
Jack was right.
182
00:07:32,443 --> 00:07:34,243
These dudes were badasses.
183
00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:36,199
Also right about the racism.
184
00:07:36,201 --> 00:07:39,002
I've been asked to
refill drinks three times.
185
00:07:40,737 --> 00:07:42,872
- Clark, you okay?
- No.
186
00:07:42,874 --> 00:07:44,774
I'm never going to have
an experience like that
187
00:07:44,776 --> 00:07:46,376
to earn my place on the wall.
188
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:49,878
The bravest thing I've ever done
was touch my neighbor's bird.
189
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,002
Thank you, thank you all so very much.
190
00:07:52,027 --> 00:07:54,761
Are there any... any questions?
191
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:55,784
I have a question.
192
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,298
Have you heard about
the two mountaineers
193
00:07:58,323 --> 00:08:00,824
that just found Arturo's body?
194
00:08:00,826 --> 00:08:04,294
If that's a set-up for a tasteless joke,
195
00:08:04,296 --> 00:08:06,196
it's very poorly timed.
196
00:08:06,198 --> 00:08:07,397
No, it's no joke.
197
00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:10,934
His backpack is en route
to my office as we speak.
198
00:08:10,936 --> 00:08:13,431
So, can you explain to me
199
00:08:13,456 --> 00:08:18,408
why his body was found at the
camp 1,000 feet below the peak?
200
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,019
- [crowd murmurs]
- No, no, tell the truth.
201
00:08:20,044 --> 00:08:24,180
Did you two actually summit
�that majestic whore�?
202
00:08:24,182 --> 00:08:25,815
[Roland stammers]
203
00:08:25,817 --> 00:08:27,784
There's more to the
story than that, you see.
204
00:08:27,786 --> 00:08:30,308
No, Arturo didn't die on the peak...
205
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,422
So, you did lie!
206
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,291
- W-w-w...
- Gentlemen...
207
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,093
And Patricia and Marie...
208
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,104
As president, I must
suspend Roland Huxley
209
00:08:42,129 --> 00:08:43,844
from the Adventure Society.
210
00:08:43,869 --> 00:08:44,901
[crowd members gasp]
211
00:08:45,870 --> 00:08:46,736
Now...
212
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,071
let's go to the cellar
213
00:08:48,073 --> 00:08:49,706
for iguana fights.
214
00:09:06,386 --> 00:09:08,119
I'm so worried about my dad.
215
00:09:08,144 --> 00:09:10,806
I mean, he built his
reputation as an explorer
216
00:09:10,831 --> 00:09:12,011
on climbing Cerro Torre.
217
00:09:12,074 --> 00:09:13,606
Yeah, that story changed my life.
218
00:09:13,608 --> 00:09:15,400
Without it, I'd probably
be some assistant manager
219
00:09:15,425 --> 00:09:17,826
at a Jiffy Lube having tons of sex.
220
00:09:19,027 --> 00:09:21,227
What's up, bitches?
221
00:09:23,042 --> 00:09:26,493
Sure, I was bummed about
Briana, but then I realized
222
00:09:26,518 --> 00:09:30,086
I'm not 26 years old,
I'm 26 years young.
223
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,940
I've got at least three or
four good years left in me.
224
00:09:34,315 --> 00:09:36,629
Classic quarter-life crisis.
225
00:09:37,307 --> 00:09:39,314
I'm still hella influential.
226
00:09:39,339 --> 00:09:40,571
Watch.
227
00:09:40,972 --> 00:09:43,198
Clark, bagels are out.
228
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:45,323
Did Briana say that?
229
00:09:46,179 --> 00:09:47,712
No!
230
00:09:47,714 --> 00:09:48,870
I did.
231
00:09:49,582 --> 00:09:50,222
Eh.
232
00:09:53,787 --> 00:09:57,021
BROOKE: Oh, my God,
Dad, you look like...
233
00:09:57,023 --> 00:09:58,489
Jack, this is your wheelhouse.
234
00:09:58,491 --> 00:10:00,758
Yeah, you look like
Winston Churchill had sex
235
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,027
with Nick Nolte's mugshot.
236
00:10:04,055 --> 00:10:07,824
If anybody wants me, which they won't,
237
00:10:07,849 --> 00:10:10,416
I'll be down at Edward's,
dining on failure
238
00:10:10,441 --> 00:10:13,309
and fully loaded potato skins.
239
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,573
- Roland, we have to talk.
- ROLAND: No, Jack.
240
00:10:15,575 --> 00:10:16,644
I know what you're going to say.
241
00:10:16,669 --> 00:10:19,120
But you don't have to
quit the Adventure Society
242
00:10:19,145 --> 00:10:20,978
out of loyalty to your mentor.
243
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:22,079
What? No, I wasn't...
244
00:10:22,081 --> 00:10:23,314
You don't have to.
245
00:10:23,316 --> 00:10:25,950
- No, I wasn't...
- No, y-you don't have to.
246
00:10:25,952 --> 00:10:29,487
Whatever your sense of honor
tells you, you don't have to.
247
00:10:29,489 --> 00:10:31,556
- Well, I just became an official...
- No, no, please!
248
00:10:31,558 --> 00:10:32,909
Please, I won't allow it.
249
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:36,269
Just ignore the right thing to do.
250
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:38,970
I absolve you.
251
00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:42,934
I wasn't going to..
252
00:10:42,936 --> 00:10:45,736
ROLAND: No, you really don't have to!
253
00:10:47,744 --> 00:10:49,284
You ordered two scotches.
254
00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:50,144
Yes.
255
00:10:50,169 --> 00:10:51,636
One for me,
256
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:54,696
and one for the man I used to be.
257
00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:57,415
And which of them is paying for these?
258
00:10:57,792 --> 00:10:59,284
Neither.
259
00:11:00,212 --> 00:11:01,776
You know, Edward, I feel as if
260
00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:05,033
the modern world is
finally showing me the door.
261
00:11:05,058 --> 00:11:06,065
Yeah.
262
00:11:06,189 --> 00:11:07,822
These damn kids.
263
00:11:08,027 --> 00:11:11,028
In my day, we only had one poop emoji
264
00:11:11,030 --> 00:11:13,792
and, damn it, that's all we needed.
265
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,470
EDDIE: Wow, look at this.
266
00:11:16,495 --> 00:11:18,202
The whole Outdoor Limits crew
267
00:11:18,204 --> 00:11:20,304
in my bar in the middle of the day.
268
00:11:20,306 --> 00:11:22,139
And it just so happens to be
269
00:11:22,141 --> 00:11:24,008
somebody special's birthday today.
270
00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:26,210
Not suspicious at all.
271
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,879
We're actually here to see Roland.
272
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,651
Oh, right. Okay.
273
00:11:29,676 --> 00:11:31,242
I'll play along. [chuckles]
274
00:11:31,384 --> 00:11:34,464
Well, I'm going to go
run a couple errands.
275
00:11:34,489 --> 00:11:36,965
Plenty of time for someone
who isn't trying to set up
276
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:38,489
a kick-ass surprise party.
277
00:11:38,491 --> 00:11:40,331
[laughing]: Oh, you guys.
278
00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:43,034
Dad, I hate to see you like this.
279
00:11:43,396 --> 00:11:45,696
Come on, there's must
be more to the story.
280
00:11:45,698 --> 00:11:47,732
Roland, I know you're not a liar.
281
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:51,736
A high-functioning alcoholic,
absolutely, but not a liar.
282
00:11:51,738 --> 00:11:56,011
I can't tell the Adventurers
what actually happened.
283
00:11:56,388 --> 00:12:00,357
I promised Arturo I'd give
him an honorable death.
284
00:12:00,524 --> 00:12:03,692
I think it would be healthy
for you to let it out.
285
00:12:03,717 --> 00:12:05,617
Plus...
286
00:12:06,252 --> 00:12:08,952
I'm really curious.
287
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:12,600
Well, we did summit Cerro Torre.
288
00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:16,440
But Arturo did not die on the peak.
289
00:12:17,065 --> 00:12:19,230
He insisted I leave him there to die
290
00:12:19,232 --> 00:12:22,633
with his broken leg, but
I hadn't the heart to.
291
00:12:22,635 --> 00:12:24,602
So I carried him down
292
00:12:24,604 --> 00:12:26,971
about a thousand feet
and then the storm hit,
293
00:12:26,973 --> 00:12:28,737
and we were forced to take cover.
294
00:12:29,509 --> 00:12:35,546
Thus began 21 days of absolute hell.
295
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,905
Day five came and went,
296
00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:43,532
along with my last frostbitten toenail.
297
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:50,545
On day 13... hunger tore at our very guts.
298
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:54,598
An endangered condor flew past.
299
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,620
Such a gorgeous creature.
300
00:12:57,894 --> 00:12:59,927
Anyway, I tackled it and we ate it.
301
00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,698
[coughs and gags]
302
00:13:02,408 --> 00:13:05,609
Day 17... Arturo and I
303
00:13:05,611 --> 00:13:07,678
gazed at our two pack llamas.
304
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,380
- [groaning]
- No, no, no!
305
00:13:09,382 --> 00:13:11,082
We didn't eat them.
306
00:13:11,084 --> 00:13:13,317
We hollowed them out
and slept inside them.
307
00:13:13,319 --> 00:13:15,152
[staff reacts with disgust]
308
00:13:15,154 --> 00:13:16,454
Enough!
309
00:13:16,456 --> 00:13:19,409
Get to the part where
your beloved friend dies.
310
00:13:20,073 --> 00:13:24,095
Sufficed to say, the
condor got his revenge.
311
00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:30,568
Yes, the greatest mountain
man I ever knew was taken down
312
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,104
by nature's cruelest condition:
313
00:13:33,106 --> 00:13:35,315
explosive diarrhea.
314
00:13:36,886 --> 00:13:38,075
The sound...
315
00:13:38,077 --> 00:13:42,526
Even to this day I can still
hear the sound of his bowels,
316
00:13:42,551 --> 00:13:45,960
like-like-like a tuba
submerged in gravy.
317
00:13:45,985 --> 00:13:47,251
[gagging]
318
00:13:47,495 --> 00:13:50,654
Like machine guns being
fired into wet baked beans.
319
00:13:50,656 --> 00:13:52,456
[gagging]
320
00:13:52,458 --> 00:13:56,160
Like a camel slurping Thai noodles.
321
00:13:57,464 --> 00:14:01,151
Oh, my God, can you
please go back to lying?
322
00:14:01,205 --> 00:14:03,077
Eventually Arturo,
323
00:14:03,102 --> 00:14:07,261
like everything that had
been inside him, passed.
324
00:14:07,473 --> 00:14:10,875
The storm cleared,
and I began my descent.
325
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:12,420
That's amazing.
326
00:14:12,753 --> 00:14:13,911
You survived.
327
00:14:13,913 --> 00:14:15,012
You should be proud of that.
328
00:14:15,014 --> 00:14:16,647
Yes, but I can't tell the world
329
00:14:16,649 --> 00:14:21,052
that my hero died in such
an undignified manner.
330
00:14:21,054 --> 00:14:23,814
I mean, I saw the man
pass a condor beak.
331
00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:25,256
Dude, come on!
332
00:14:25,258 --> 00:14:26,257
[retches]
333
00:14:26,683 --> 00:14:28,592
Dad, you're going to kill Clark.
334
00:14:28,594 --> 00:14:30,694
Roland, these days people want to hear
335
00:14:30,696 --> 00:14:32,163
the brutal details.
336
00:14:32,165 --> 00:14:36,767
127 Hours, Into Thin Air,
season two of Khloe and Lamar.
337
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:37,722
[retches]
338
00:14:38,971 --> 00:14:40,503
Yes, maybe,
339
00:14:40,528 --> 00:14:43,674
but no one's going to
believe the true story now,
340
00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:44,675
are they?
341
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,989
Well, if I'm going to be
a disgrace, I might as well
342
00:14:48,014 --> 00:14:51,782
take comfort in soft pretzels
and the failure of others.
343
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:53,998
I'm going to a Bears game.
344
00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:00,290
Roland said there's no way to
prove his story, but there is...
345
00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:01,979
Arturo's pack.
346
00:15:02,328 --> 00:15:03,727
It's in Mather's office!
347
00:15:03,752 --> 00:15:05,838
Yeah! That pack's got to be
348
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,636
covered in feces!
349
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:09,567
No, the camera.
350
00:15:09,569 --> 00:15:10,347
Right.
351
00:15:10,372 --> 00:15:12,378
The camera's covered in feces.
352
00:15:13,128 --> 00:15:15,606
No, it must have
pictures from the summit.
353
00:15:15,608 --> 00:15:18,242
Then why are we talking about feces?
354
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,577
JACK: Mason's right.
355
00:15:19,579 --> 00:15:21,345
- Who's with me?
- CLARK: Let's do it!
356
00:15:21,347 --> 00:15:22,913
- MASON: Yeah!
- Come on!
357
00:15:24,076 --> 00:15:26,076
Okay, I'm back!
358
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,401
Hilarious.
359
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:32,923
Aww, poor me!
360
00:15:32,925 --> 00:15:35,092
It looks like everybody left!
361
00:15:35,651 --> 00:15:38,462
I'm just going to walk
over to this booth and...
362
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,282
Or maybe in this booth...
363
00:15:43,439 --> 00:15:45,372
Oh, you guys are good.
364
00:16:00,871 --> 00:16:01,854
[whispers]: Okay.
365
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:03,722
You guys find a way to get in there
366
00:16:03,808 --> 00:16:05,107
while Brooke and I keep Mather busy.
367
00:16:05,411 --> 00:16:07,111
Clark, you think you can
take lead on this one?
368
00:16:07,136 --> 00:16:08,210
This could be your first adventure.
369
00:16:08,212 --> 00:16:10,112
I have read every book about this place
370
00:16:10,114 --> 00:16:11,847
and I know it like the back of my hand.
371
00:16:11,849 --> 00:16:13,549
Okay, all right, um...
372
00:16:13,551 --> 00:16:14,883
Shortcut through here.
373
00:16:14,885 --> 00:16:16,728
- [woman screams]
- Sorry, Patricia!
374
00:16:16,753 --> 00:16:18,287
Or Marie, I don't know.
375
00:16:18,289 --> 00:16:20,455
I guess they added a ladies
room after the lawsuit.
376
00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,024
Just get the camera!
377
00:16:22,347 --> 00:16:23,625
�Wright brothers?
378
00:16:23,627 --> 00:16:25,627
More like the Wrong brothers.�
379
00:16:25,629 --> 00:16:28,751
[laughter]
380
00:16:28,776 --> 00:16:32,234
What morons! Airplanes are useless.
381
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,170
What do you think of my coat?
382
00:16:36,519 --> 00:16:40,242
Shouldn't you be fleeing Austria
with Maria and the children?
383
00:16:44,114 --> 00:16:47,382
The entire club is filled with
secret rooms and hidden panels.
384
00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:49,451
Knowing how devious Mather is,
385
00:16:49,453 --> 00:16:51,854
I'm sure he's got Arturo's
pack hidden in one.
386
00:16:54,291 --> 00:16:55,824
[Clark chuckles]
387
00:16:55,826 --> 00:16:58,227
It's almost too easy.
388
00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:00,662
[clears throat]
389
00:17:01,038 --> 00:17:04,273
See, you guys, I'm just going
to pull this antler and...
390
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:11,962
I should've known.
391
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:15,177
The panel's clearly triggered
by this first edition copy
392
00:17:15,179 --> 00:17:17,479
of Roald Amundsen's famous anthology.
393
00:17:17,722 --> 00:17:19,322
Watch and learn.
394
00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:29,222
Maybe it's that backpack
in the crate on his desk.
395
00:17:30,912 --> 00:17:33,045
Touch?, Mather.
396
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,801
Touch?.
397
00:17:41,719 --> 00:17:42,751
[laughter]
398
00:17:42,776 --> 00:17:44,239
Good to have you with us, Jack.
399
00:17:44,241 --> 00:17:46,074
Now, you know Roland well.
400
00:17:46,076 --> 00:17:50,376
You must have some great stories
about that bloviating fraud.
401
00:17:50,401 --> 00:17:51,619
Ah, excuse me...
402
00:17:51,644 --> 00:17:56,128
As a matter of fact, I only
have great stories about Roland.
403
00:17:56,153 --> 00:17:58,053
Like when he kayaked the Amazon.
404
00:17:58,055 --> 00:18:00,055
Or built a red panda sanctuary.
405
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:03,978
Or that time he took a chance
on a lost 21-year-old kid
406
00:18:04,003 --> 00:18:06,695
who was having tons of sex.
407
00:18:06,972 --> 00:18:09,619
You're embarrassing yourself, Jack.
408
00:18:09,644 --> 00:18:11,392
You're defending a liar.
409
00:18:11,417 --> 00:18:12,501
Roland didn't lie.
410
00:18:12,503 --> 00:18:14,703
He was defending his friend's honor.
411
00:18:14,705 --> 00:18:16,672
Which is what I thought
this club was about.
412
00:18:16,674 --> 00:18:19,134
You know, I use to brag about
your generation's greatness.
413
00:18:19,159 --> 00:18:21,043
But even though these kids I work with
414
00:18:21,045 --> 00:18:23,712
are physically weak, lazy, immature,
415
00:18:23,714 --> 00:18:25,329
easily distracted, pale...
416
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:26,014
Jack.
417
00:18:26,016 --> 00:18:27,015
You broke my train of thought.
418
00:18:27,017 --> 00:18:28,150
I need to start over.
419
00:18:28,152 --> 00:18:30,017
- Physically weak, pale...
- Jack!
420
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,665
Whatever, I will take their
earnestness and loyalty
421
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,934
over your pettiness any
day of the week, Mather.
422
00:18:35,479 --> 00:18:37,993
So, this is your way of saying
423
00:18:37,995 --> 00:18:39,861
that you're resigning from the club?
424
00:18:40,839 --> 00:18:42,940
Yes, Mather.
425
00:18:43,995 --> 00:18:47,102
I'm... resigning.
426
00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:48,736
CLARK: Ca-caw!
427
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:49,705
Ca-caw!
428
00:18:49,707 --> 00:18:53,075
You couldn't have ca-cawed
five seconds earlier?
429
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:57,808
What is this?
430
00:18:57,943 --> 00:19:01,049
Well, it's the article that
vindicates you and Arturo.
431
00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:03,474
Jack took these guys
to the Adventure Society
432
00:19:03,499 --> 00:19:05,187
to teach them about real heroes
433
00:19:05,189 --> 00:19:08,290
and I guess it worked.
434
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,504
Yeah, and Clark here led
us on a bad-ass adventure
435
00:19:10,529 --> 00:19:11,649
to get Arturo's camera.
436
00:19:11,605 --> 00:19:14,173
And I finally got my
photo on the wall...
437
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,504
For a lifetime ban due to
excessive property damage,
438
00:19:17,529 --> 00:19:19,101
but, still,
439
00:19:19,103 --> 00:19:21,263
the kid is on the wall.
440
00:19:22,091 --> 00:19:24,433
And Emma got her first
big ever cover story.
441
00:19:24,458 --> 00:19:27,242
Who would've thought I'd
have this resurgence at 26?
442
00:19:29,352 --> 00:19:30,578
I feel like Betty White.
443
00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:35,117
Like Arturo was your hero, you're ours.
444
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:36,318
Thank you, everyone.
445
00:19:36,297 --> 00:19:38,086
And I know if he were alive today,
446
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:39,750
Arturo would thank you too.
447
00:19:39,775 --> 00:19:41,790
Though, of course, he'd
have to shout his thanks
448
00:19:41,792 --> 00:19:45,594
over the sounds of his gurgling,
burbling, popping bowels.
449
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,463
Like the sound of a washing machine
450
00:19:48,465 --> 00:19:51,066
filled with spoiled sloppy joe meat.
451
00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:53,458
[retching]
452
00:20:06,057 --> 00:20:07,946
Happy birthday, Edward.
453
00:20:07,971 --> 00:20:10,658
I must say, I'm really
enjoying these cupcakes!
454
00:20:12,956 --> 00:20:13,924
BROOKE: Mather?
455
00:20:13,949 --> 00:20:15,749
What are you doing here?
456
00:20:15,774 --> 00:20:19,377
Jack requested that I
tell Roland in person.
457
00:20:19,402 --> 00:20:22,549
The Adventure Society
has voted near unanimously
458
00:20:22,574 --> 00:20:23,840
to re-instate you.
459
00:20:23,865 --> 00:20:25,975
Oh, well, that's an honor.
460
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,701
But I have to tell you
that I'm now of a member
461
00:20:28,726 --> 00:20:29,758
of a better club.
462
00:20:29,783 --> 00:20:31,893
Oh, is it the Jack Gordon fan club?
463
00:20:31,918 --> 00:20:33,051
Because we can use new members.
464
00:20:33,076 --> 00:20:35,409
It's just me and my
Aunt Peggy right now.
465
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:36,955
No.
466
00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:40,014
I'm very grateful that you've
given me the opportunity
467
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:42,773
to observe that you
look like the defendant
468
00:20:42,798 --> 00:20:45,299
in an Ivy League murder case.
469
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,901
Actually, could you tell us all
470
00:20:47,957 --> 00:20:50,324
how it felt when Waldorf left you
471
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:52,883
to criticize the
Muppets all by yourself?
472
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,487
No, no, I have it!
473
00:20:54,512 --> 00:20:57,846
Ladies and gentlemen,
the 70-Year-Old Virgin!
474
00:20:57,896 --> 00:21:02,446
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