Original subtitles

[elevator dings]

Oh, hey, Esther, how you doing?

Ugh, I got in a fight last night.

But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.

Okay.

Exciting news, everyone!

Roland...

Cupcakes!

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake!

- Cake, cake, cake! - Cake, cake, cake!

Wow, that's the fastest I've ever gotten sick

of being at work.

These were a gift.

I'm part of this program that matches

young people with experienced mentors.

Oh, who's your mentor?

I'm the mentor.

I'm 26.

It's time for me to start giving back.

Anyway, I've got some big news...

Check it!

Guess who just raided the freebie closet?

Ooh, Jack, you got nothin' on this.

Clark, you look like Harry Potter

if he had a short film at Sundance.

[laughs]

No, wait, Where's Waldo after a three-day bender

with Kiefer Sutherland.

- Ha ha. - You look like

the worst pimp at the South Pole.

You look like Super Mario if he was at a rave in Ibiza.

Ha, ha, so... so many accurate burns.

[laughs]

Jack, you were saying something about exciting news?

Oh, finally... Exciting news...

Exciting news, everyone!

I have been asked to give a lecture this Sunday

at the prestigious Chicago Adventure Society.

- That's amazing. - Oh!

What-what was your exciting news?

Bar is set

pretty high now.

Roland's been asked to speak at the Chicago Adventure Society.

Jack,

I just told them that.

I was getting to it but I got distracted

by cupcakes and the drug dealer on Sesame Street.

Anyway, the club has requested that I recount my ascent

of Cerro Torre.

Oh! [gasps]

Roland's first-person account

of reaching the summit is why I became an adventure reporter.

I was 20 years old, lost,

looking for my calling, having tons of sex.

Yeah, there's no reason to include sex in that part.

Not one.

I read that article

and decided to track down Roland.

Had sex that night.

Found him the next day

and asked for a job at this magazine.

And now I want to take

you guys on a field trip

to meet some real explorers.

Wait, are we going to the Adventure Society?

You'll all be my guests because I've been bumped

from associate to official pending junior member.

And you say we have made-up titles?

It's time the indoor kids met more of Roland's generation.

People that fought in battles

that weren't lip sync based.

This is a club full of real men.

And one or two token women.

There was a lawsuit in the '80s.

This is going to be so great.

And they'll be so excited

to meet Liberace's snowboard instructor.

[eagle screeches]

Synced and corrected by javiernv

www.addic7ed.com

[phone ringing]

[laughter]

Roland, I heard you sailed across the Caribbean again.

Yes, well, you know, it's difficult to find direct flights

between my tax havens.

[laughter]

You know what that unfamiliar scent is?

True accomplishment.

And four kinds of leather.

Yes, off the record, one of them is rhino.

Anyway, be cool, don't touch anything,

and expect to hear some casual racism.

[gasps]

CLARK: It's the president of the club, Mather Wilcox!

Clark, don't emb...

Did you say Mather Wilcox?!

Mather!

Hey, Mather!

Who has two thumbs and just got a new crevasse ice pulley?

Pah-pow!

Jack Gordon.

Look at you, all grown up and in your off-the-rack tweed.

[laughter]

Oh, this old thing?

It's just something I threw on

after agonizing over it for three hours.

You look like a walking bagpipe.

[chuckles]

No, no, no, no, you look like a Triscuit with pockets.

No... ladies and gentlemen, Sherlock Homeless!

[laughter]

Ha, ha, ha.

So many accurate burns.

Oh, my God, you're their Clark.

Shut up.

Ooh, they put out the fancy swords!

[sighs]: Finally here with my fellow explorers.

Can't wait to be up on that wall with my dudes.

Yeah, you know what would go great between Neil Armstrong

and this dude covered in lion's blood?

A picture of you wearing your t-shirt in the pool.

Hold on, my teenage prot?g? Briana

just got retweeted by Taylor Swift

and now has more followers than me.

I guess paying your dues isn't in anymore, but what do I know?

I'm 26 damn years old.

Sounds like someone needs to �Shake It Off�

[laughs]: That's good.

Oh, my God, I just laughed at your mom humor.

And I'm wearing a sensible button down?

Is this menopause?

From the briny deep to the top of a peak

Adventure is our game!

Adventure is our game!

[laughs]

That was awesome.

Up top, Trevor.

Roland.

Mather Wilcox.

Well, well, well, and on the second floor.

That must be the highest elevation you've reached

in some time.

Well, this is the floor that my office is on

now that I'm the president of this club.

Yes, who needs to summit mountains

when you've got the closest parking spot?

Attention!

It's now time for Roland to regale us

with his harrowing tale.

Get ready for more pregnant pauses than a Lamaze class.

Man, when rich dudes throw shade, it's so polite.

I thought they fought with falcons or held a hunger game.

ROLAND: Firstly, may I say

how thrilled I am that Mather Wilcox could be with us.

Since his last climb,

he's been dealing with the most terrible ailment:

Resting Bitch Face.

[grunts]

And so Arturo and I began our ascent,

our eyes filled with hope, our hearts full of courage,

and Arturo's pack full of rancid anchovies...

A prank I admit I didn't fully think through.

The storm passed,

the clouds parted to reveal that bewitching summit.

In that moment, I was the horniest I'd ever been.

We gave one last swing of the ice axe,

finally conquering that majestic whore.

We grabbed Arturo's camera

and did what anyone would do: we took two selfies.

One serious, and one like those girls on Charlie's Angels.

I held Arturo atop the peak and commanded him to live!

He smiled up at me

and said, �Save yourself, Se?or Rolando.

Let me die here and become a part of this glorious mountain�"

Arturo cradled his smashed leg

with his equally shattered arm

and said, �Tell Carmen I love her.

And then tell my wife I love Carmen.�

And then he expired in my arms.

[applause]

Jack was right.

These dudes were badasses.

Also right about the racism.

I've been asked to refill drinks three times.

- Clark, you okay? - No.

I'm never going to have an experience like that

to earn my place on the wall.

The bravest thing I've ever done was touch my neighbor's bird.

Thank you, thank you all so very much.

Are there any... any questions?

I have a question.

Have you heard about the two mountaineers

that just found Arturo's body?

If that's a set-up for a tasteless joke,

it's very poorly timed.

No, it's no joke.

His backpack is en route to my office as we speak.

So, can you explain to me

why his body was found at the camp 1,000 feet below the peak?

- [crowd murmurs] - No, no, tell the truth.

Did you two actually summit �that majestic whore�?

[Roland stammers]

There's more to the story than that, you see.

No, Arturo didn't die on the peak...

So, you did lie!

- W-w-w... - Gentlemen...

And Patricia and Marie...

As president, I must suspend Roland Huxley

from the Adventure Society.

[crowd members gasp]

Now...

let's go to the cellar

for iguana fights.

I'm so worried about my dad.

I mean, he built his reputation as an explorer

on climbing Cerro Torre.

Yeah, that story changed my life.

Without it, I'd probably be some assistant manager

at a Jiffy Lube having tons of sex.

What's up, bitches?

Sure, I was bummed about Briana, but then I realized

I'm not 26 years old, I'm 26 years young.

I've got at least three or four good years left in me.

Classic quarter-life crisis.

I'm still hella influential.

Watch.

Clark, bagels are out.

Did Briana say that?

No!

I did.

Eh.

BROOKE: Oh, my God, Dad, you look like...

Jack, this is your wheelhouse.

Yeah, you look like Winston Churchill had sex

with Nick Nolte's mugshot.

If anybody wants me, which they won't,

I'll be down at Edward's, dining on failure

and fully loaded potato skins.

- Roland, we have to talk. - ROLAND: No, Jack.

I know what you're going to say.

But you don't have to quit the Adventure Society

out of loyalty to your mentor.

What? No, I wasn't...

You don't have to.

- No, I wasn't... - No, y-you don't have to.

Whatever your sense of honor tells you, you don't have to.

- Well, I just became an official... - No, no, please!

Please, I won't allow it.

Just ignore the right thing to do.

I absolve you.

I wasn't going to..

ROLAND: No, you really don't have to!

You ordered two scotches.

Yes.

One for me,

and one for the man I used to be.

And which of them is paying for these?

Neither.

You know, Edward, I feel as if

the modern world is finally showing me the door.

Yeah.

These damn kids.

In my day, we only had one poop emoji

and, damn it, that's all we needed.

EDDIE: Wow, look at this.

The whole Outdoor Limits crew

in my bar in the middle of the day.

And it just so happens to be

somebody special's birthday today.

Not suspicious at all.

We're actually here to see Roland.

Oh, right. Okay.

I'll play along. [chuckles]

Well, I'm going to go run a couple errands.

Plenty of time for someone who isn't trying to set up

a kick-ass surprise party.

[laughing]: Oh, you guys.

Dad, I hate to see you like this.

Come on, there's must be more to the story.

Roland, I know you're not a liar.

A high-functioning alcoholic, absolutely, but not a liar.

I can't tell the Adventurers what actually happened.

I promised Arturo I'd give him an honorable death.

I think it would be healthy for you to let it out.

Plus...

I'm really curious.

Well, we did summit Cerro Torre.

But Arturo did not die on the peak.

He insisted I leave him there to die

with his broken leg, but I hadn't the heart to.

So I carried him down

about a thousand feet and then the storm hit,

and we were forced to take cover.

Thus began 21 days of absolute hell.

Day five came and went,

along with my last frostbitten toenail.

On day 13... hunger tore at our very guts.

An endangered condor flew past.

Such a gorgeous creature.

Anyway, I tackled it and we ate it.

[coughs and gags]

Day 17... Arturo and I

gazed at our two pack llamas.

- [groaning] - No, no, no!

We didn't eat them.

We hollowed them out and slept inside them.

[staff reacts with disgust]

Enough!

Get to the part where your beloved friend dies.

Sufficed to say, the condor got his revenge.

Yes, the greatest mountain man I ever knew was taken down

by nature's cruelest condition:

explosive diarrhea.

The sound...

Even to this day I can still hear the sound of his bowels,

like-like-like a tuba submerged in gravy.

[gagging]

Like machine guns being fired into wet baked beans.

[gagging]

Like a camel slurping Thai noodles.

Oh, my God, can you please go back to lying?

Eventually Arturo,

like everything that had been inside him, passed.

The storm cleared, and I began my descent.

That's amazing.

You survived.

You should be proud of that.

Yes, but I can't tell the world

that my hero died in such an undignified manner.

I mean, I saw the man pass a condor beak.

Dude, come on!

[retches]

Dad, you're going to kill Clark.

Roland, these days people want to hear

the brutal details.

127 Hours, Into Thin Air, season two of Khloe and Lamar.

[retches]

Yes, maybe,

but no one's going to believe the true story now,

are they?

Well, if I'm going to be a disgrace, I might as well

take comfort in soft pretzels and the failure of others.

I'm going to a Bears game.

Roland said there's no way to prove his story, but there is...

Arturo's pack.

It's in Mather's office!

Yeah! That pack's got to be

covered in feces!

No, the camera.

Right.

The camera's covered in feces.

No, it must have pictures from the summit.

Then why are we talking about feces?

JACK: Mason's right.

- Who's with me? - CLARK: Let's do it!

- MASON: Yeah! - Come on!

Okay, I'm back!

Hilarious.

Aww, poor me!

It looks like everybody left!

I'm just going to walk over to this booth and...

Or maybe in this booth...

Oh, you guys are good.

[whispers]: Okay.

You guys find a way to get in there

while Brooke and I keep Mather busy.

Clark, you think you can take lead on this one?

This could be your first adventure.

I have read every book about this place

and I know it like the back of my hand.

Okay, all right, um...

Shortcut through here.

- [woman screams] - Sorry, Patricia!

Or Marie, I don't know.

I guess they added a ladies room after the lawsuit.

Just get the camera!

�Wright brothers?

More like the Wrong brothers.�

[laughter]

What morons! Airplanes are useless.

What do you think of my coat?

Shouldn't you be fleeing Austria with Maria and the children?

The entire club is filled with secret rooms and hidden panels.

Knowing how devious Mather is,

I'm sure he's got Arturo's pack hidden in one.

[Clark chuckles]

It's almost too easy.

[clears throat]

See, you guys, I'm just going to pull this antler and...

I should've known.

The panel's clearly triggered by this first edition copy

of Roald Amundsen's famous anthology.

Watch and learn.

Maybe it's that backpack in the crate on his desk.

Touch?, Mather.

Touch?.

[laughter]

Good to have you with us, Jack.

Now, you know Roland well.

You must have some great stories about that bloviating fraud.

Ah, excuse me...

As a matter of fact, I only have great stories about Roland.

Like when he kayaked the Amazon.

Or built a red panda sanctuary.

Or that time he took a chance on a lost 21-year-old kid

who was having tons of sex.

You're embarrassing yourself, Jack.

You're defending a liar.

Roland didn't lie.

He was defending his friend's honor.

Which is what I thought this club was about.

You know, I use to brag about your generation's greatness.

But even though these kids I work with

are physically weak, lazy, immature,

easily distracted, pale...

Jack.

You broke my train of thought.

I need to start over.

- Physically weak, pale... - Jack!

Whatever, I will take their earnestness and loyalty

over your pettiness any day of the week, Mather.

So, this is your way of saying

that you're resigning from the club?

Yes, Mather.

I'm... resigning.

CLARK: Ca-caw!

Ca-caw!

You couldn't have ca-cawed five seconds earlier?

What is this?

Well, it's the article that vindicates you and Arturo.

Jack took these guys to the Adventure Society

to teach them about real heroes

and I guess it worked.

Yeah, and Clark here led us on a bad-ass adventure

to get Arturo's camera.

And I finally got my photo on the wall...

For a lifetime ban due to excessive property damage,

but, still,

the kid is on the wall.

And Emma got her first big ever cover story.

Who would've thought I'd have this resurgence at 26?

I feel like Betty White.

Like Arturo was your hero, you're ours.

Thank you, everyone.

And I know if he were alive today,

Arturo would thank you too.

Though, of course, he'd have to shout his thanks

over the sounds of his gurgling, burbling, popping bowels.

Like the sound of a washing machine

filled with spoiled sloppy joe meat.

[retching]

Happy birthday, Edward.

I must say, I'm really enjoying these cupcakes!

BROOKE: Mather?

What are you doing here?

Jack requested that I tell Roland in person.

The Adventure Society has voted near unanimously

to re-instate you.

Oh, well, that's an honor.

But I have to tell you that I'm now of a member

of a better club.

Oh, is it the Jack Gordon fan club?

Because we can use new members.

It's just me and my Aunt Peggy right now.

No.

I'm very grateful that you've given me the opportunity

to observe that you look like the defendant

in an Ivy League murder case.

Actually, could you tell us all

how it felt when Waldorf left you

to criticize the Muppets all by yourself?

No, no, I have it!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 70-Year-Old Virgin!

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