Original subtitles

[elevator dings]

Hey, Esther, how're you doing?

Want a jelly bean?

Oh, some of these are wet.

That's weird.

They should all be wet.

I'm going to go boil my hand.

MASON: There's nothing to be scared of.

Just relax and go with what feels right.

CLARK: This is all too much at once.

You can't deny your feelings.

[whispers]: It's not that easy.

Ours is a forbidden love.

These might be the worst sounds ever made in this room.

It's not what it looks like.

Yes, it is! This is exactly what it looks like.

Mason and I love each other.

Nope, not buying it.

Mason's totally out of your league.

What are you guys talking about?

But you're going to tease me.

No, we're adults.

I'm not going to tease you.

Okay.

[sighs]

I like Emma.

[mocking]: Ooh!

Synced and corrected by javiernv

www.addic7ed.com

So you like Emma.

That's big, weird news.

I would use it to my advantage,

but you already do everything I ask without question.

Well, it wasn't news to me.

I know everyone's secrets.

I was head bitch on my high school cheerleading squad.

Huh, you know nothing about me.

Calf implants.

I just, uh... looked at the brochure.

Yes, Jack, I like Emma, but don't worry.

I have a foolproof plan to win her over.

Unless it involves some kind of enchanted amulet,

I find that hard to believe.

Boom! Behold.

Settlers of Catan, the world's most powerful aphrodisiac.

No, Jack, this is just a cover to keep prying eyes from...

my eight-year plan for getting together with Emma.

You're going to want to just skip past the first seven pages.

Just me spit-balling our married names.

"Clark and Emma Cho-Robertson."

"Ark and Clemma Chorobert-cho."

Page eight is where the fun really starts.

Yeah, he made a flowchart

of every possible path he can take to end up with Emma.

It's inspiring.

CLARK: It has to be perfect, Jack.

I don't want to have to sit our children down one day

and say, "Sorry I blew it with your mom",

and that's why you don't exist."

There are endless opportunities

all leading to the same outcome.

Oh, a newscast with your neighbors

standing in front of yellow tape saying,

"Oh, he was quiet and kept to himself."

No.

Me and Emma in love.

See? Here's a section I like to call "Sub Chart 0-41A."

Or "Getting Emma and I to Hold Hands."

Mmm.

That doesn't happen for four years?!

Clark, you are way overthinking this.

In the wilderness, you act fast or you die.

Or worse, you miss out on a threesome with Swedish hikers.

Jack's right... Just ask Emma out.

And 20 bucks says one of those hikers was a dude.

Eh, they're all beautiful over there.

Wait, how did you know I like Emma?

[laughing]: Let's just call it women's intuition.

And not because late one night

I got a hankering to play Settlers of Catan, no.

Clark, you have to be more like me

and stop caring what people think.

Don't be scared to make a move.

I'm not scurred, I'm deterred.

The only reason I'm not making a move

is because there's a strict rule

against interoffice dating,

and I'm no lawbreaker.

If there's one thing I know about women,

they hate bad boys.

Where did Jack go?

Mr. Gordon, do you realize why we called you into HR?

Actually, I asked for this meeting.

[chuckles]: I doubt that.

Uh, did we already ask you to stop your joke

of saying "no way" to Jos? in ad sales?

Si, dos weeks ago.

And when you lied about transitioning

so you could use the closer bathroom?

Who complained?

Oh, was it the lady with the yellow shoes

who clears her throat really loud?

[clears throat loudly]

So why are you here, Mr. Gordon?

I'm requesting that you lift the ban on interoffice dating.

What's her name and how far along is she?

No, I'm not going to date anyone in the office.

That's a rookie move.

Which is why I'm asking for Clark.

Clark?

Isn't Mason a little out of his league?

That's what I said!

But come on, Carol, why not lift the ban?

I'm not usually one to mess with natural selection,

but I'm rooting for this kid,

and I'd like him to find somebody.

What do you say?

[sighs]: Well...

We'll think about it.

Well, how about this:

Whoever gets out of their beanbag first

gets what they want?

Everyone, you are now free to date people in the office.

Our not very long, extremely local nightmare is over.

Hey, you got the ban lifted?

Yeah... isn't that what you wanted?

Only when it was never going to happen!

I lied before.

I am scurred, I am...

I'm just a big ol' scurredy cat.

I just, I really don't want to mess this up with Emma.

Look, I know more about women than anyone

except Gloria Steinem and John Mayer.

I've picked up women in nine languages,

and I only know five.

As Jack Gordon, colon, Man of Action... copyright pending...

I'm going to help you ask out Emma.

Okay, I will gladly accept your help.

And I'm going to start a binder right now

- with some subsections and... - No, no, no, no, no.

You are not going to overthink this.

My plan has one step,

and that's called "taking action"... Emma!

Clark has something he'd like to ask you.

No.

Hey, Emma, I was just wondering...

[laughing]: Hey, it's Clark, from work.

What's up?

Pretty good, pretty good.

[muttering]

I just wanted to know if maybe you want to hung out sometime?

Did I just say hung?

Hang.

Let's hang each other!

Sure.

We could go to Eddie's tonight.

Sparkle, I'll see you there!

Cool!

[cackling]

What up, fam?

I was all, like, "Yo, babe, you and me, tonight."

She was all, like, "Oh, my God!

I've loved you forever, I'm so excited you asked me!"

You nailed it, now all you have to do

is get through the actual date.

Oh, God!

Emma's almost here.

Any last words of encouragement?

Ignore all your instincts.

So Clark likes Emma.

Who knew?

Me.

I know all the office secrets.

You don't know all the office secrets.

Oh, really?

What don't I know?

Is it about Clark? Emma? Jack?

It's about Jack.

[stammering]: I didn't say that.

Didn't need to.

Jack and... Clark? Roland? Zendaya?

- Who? - It's Brooke, isn't it?

[gasps]: It's Brooke!

I've got all I need.

But I, I didn't say anything.

Hey, Emma.

We're finally here.

Face-to-face.

[somberly]: To face.

I invited Amy to our after-work hang.

[breathily]: Oh...

Hi, Amy.

AMY: Sorry we're late.

It was a crazy day at the office.

I had to calculate the company's overtime,

then I realized that was making me go overtime,

and that I had to include that, too... ugh, my life!

I could really use a drink.

I'll go order two beers, Amy.

Maybe they'll give me a third one

I didn't ask for.

Jack, help!

Emma doesn't know this is a date.

How can that be?

You were so clear when you asked her out.

I know, but she brought her friend Amy.

Okay, don't panic.

You just need someone to distract her friend.

Oh, thank you, that is really solid of you.

I didn't volunteer... oh! She's hot!

I volunteer.

So, how'd it go with Emma?

Not great.

She, uh, did not think it was a date.

Neither did Kevin, the dude she ended up making out with.

This whole "taking action" thing is a disaster.

Except for Kevin... it's working gangbusters for Kevin.

[groans]

Amy's nice, but she's so boring

I almost didn't have sex with her.

You and Amy had sex? How did that happen?

Well, that's a conversation

you should probably have with a parent.

Hey!

Holy hell!

She's boring from inside the house!

Okay.

She's not the first woman to stalk me

after a night of mind-blowing sex.

Mason, you go distract her...

Dude, Amy works here, in payroll.

She works here now?!

Well, she's not the first woman to get a job

to stalk me after a night of mind-blowing sex.

Did you guys even talk last night?

She's worked here for three years.

She started here three years ago just to stalk me?!

Jack? Is that you?

Why'd you leave so early this morning?

We could've shared an Uber.

[chuckles]

Oh, I didn't want to wake you...

Or talk more.

I've almost never been up to this floor.

Now I guess I have six-foot-four reasons

to come hang out.

Boop!

See you at lunch, bae!

ALL: Ooh!

I can't believe Amy works here.

And why is she acting like we're dating

after one casual night of the best sex of her life?

Because you straight-up agreed to date her?

Uh, don't you remember?

Uh, no.

Oh, no, Jack, did you do that thing

where you only act like you're listening

and instead just say "uh-huh" and "great" to everything?

So nice to put a face to the paycheck.

Uh-huh.

This has been fun.

You're a good listener.

Great.

Look, I'm done sleeping around,

but if you think we have something real here...

Uh-huh.

...then let's go back to your place.

Wait, what?

Oh, great!

EMMA: Wait.

So you only heard the part when she brought up sex?

Isn't that gross, Clark?

Oh... Yes, super-gross.

Jack is a monster.

Jack should just crawl under a bus and die!

You better clear things up without hurting her.

Amy is my oldest friend.

[whispers]: She's 30!

[whispers]: She's actually 32.

Secrets.

Welp, better go end things with Amy.

This is not easy.

Is something I'll probably say to her.

See you in half a minute.

[scolding]

- Remember, okay, you work with Amy. - Uh huh.

In the same building, every day?

- Great. - Jack!

Focus!

Come on, she's not some Carnaval trollop

you can hit and quit in Rio.

You work with Amy, okay?

So you better get out of this gracefully,

or your life will be hell.

Okay.

Jack Gordon, colon, Man of Action...

Copyright recently approved...

Knows when to admit his mistakes.

JACK: Carol,

when you lifted the ban on office dating,

you really pooped the bed.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon,

but getting rid of that policy

was the best move I've ever made for this office.

Why?

Oh, Carol.

Oh, God!

Hey, Jack.

Amy told me the good news.

In my culture, when two people start dating,

you give them a present.

They're condoms.

Hm, I really thought these would have wrappers.

You seem to be enjoying this.

Nice to see cocky Jack Gordon uncomfortable for once.

Yeah.

Especially because of that secret you have with Jack.

[laughs]

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do.

A real challenge... delicious!

Just tell me what happened.

Sex? Rehab? Embezzlement?

Sex? Animal fighting? Hit and run?

Sex? Roland's secret son?

Damn it, woman!

You're showing no emotion!

How is this possible?!

I'm British.

I think the real question should be, Mason,

why the obsession with secrets?

Who betrayed you?

Mother? Father? Zendaya?

Cheerleading squad? Ooh...

I've got all I need.

Good news!

I got approval for a laptop,

so now I can work up here and W-2 with my boo.

Boop!

Jack, you better talk to her soon.

She's only booped, like, three other guys.

Yeah.

Man up, wuss.

Hey, remember

when I just called you a wuss? I'm really sorry about that.

I just, I'm finally bonding with Emma.

It's so exciting.

Clark, you sold out a friend to score points with a girl.

That means you're growing as a person.

Thanks.

How are you going to deal with this Amy situation?

Oh, I don't know!

Usually I just tell a woman it's over, hop on a plane,

and suddenly she's the TSA's problem.

I could help you.

Uh, okay, so you've broken up with tons of girls?

[chuckles]: No.

They've broken up with me.

I know more about break-ups than anyone except Taylor Swift

and every person she has ever dated.

I've been dumped by nine women,

and I've only dated five of them.

Wait, wait, so four strangers just walked up to you

and said, "It's over"?

One of them was on a bike.

The point is, the times I actually felt okay with it

was when the person showed they cared

and let me talk through it.

Okay, hold on.

So the girl just rode by and shouted,

"I don't want to see you anymore,"

and kept going?

Okay.

You tried to teach me how to get the girl?

Now I'm going to teach you how to break up with the girl.

The right way.

How are you going to possibly do that?

With my proven method, which is...

Hold on, give me an hour.

Overthinking!

Are you coaching me through a breakup,

or is Jason Bourne on the loose again?

The reason I overthink things

is because I care about what other people are feeling.

That's what you need to learn: empathy.

Okay, now, we don't have the time to turn you

into a fully evolved human being,

so I'm going to teach you how to appear to be one

with the help of...

Please do not say role-playing.

I am Amy, you are you.

Hey, Jack!

Ugh, payroll!

Boop!

What are we doing tonight, sweetheart?

Um, I'm breaking up with you.

This isn't working.

Boop!

Very direct.

But you want to leave her feeling good.

Well, what do you suggest?

Maybe some light over-the-clothes stuff

before I bounce?

Oh, my God, things are a mess in payroll,

my mom's sciatica is acting up, and now you are leaving me?

[fake crying]

[whispers]: Touch me. Oh, no.

[whispers]: Human contact... that's how you show empathy.

Oh! How is the back of your hand clammy?

All right, lightning round.

[buzzer sounds]

So there's no future for us?

Well, I don't know what you're up to,

but I'm going to Burger King after this.

[buzzer sounds]

I thought we had something.

We did have something.

A one-night stand.

[buzzer sounds]

Is there someone else?

There's everyone else.

[buzzer sounds repeatedly]

Oh, my God!

I have been trying to help you for hours,

and at best, you have made zero progress.

It is like you are incapable of caring.

Maybe I was right: you are a monster.

Wow.

I'm sorry, Clark.

I can tell how frustrating this is for you.

No, I don't think you...

Wait, what did you just say?

Um, I'm sorry?

Jack! You cared about how I felt!

That's empathy!

I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

- I'm sorry! - You're sorry!

- I'm sorry! - I'm sorry!

- I'm sorry! - I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

BOTH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Amy's almost here.

Any last words of encouragement?

Ignore all your instincts.

Oh, my God, Clark.

Don't look, it's pornography!

The worst kind... Long-form narrative.

"Clark's Playbook of Scenarios to Help Jack Break Up with Amy"?

Okay, I'll give in.

It's my playbook of scenarios to help Jack break up with Amy.

It's a little overthinky, right?

It's weird, but kind of sweet.

I wish someone paid that much attention to me.

Maybe there's someone that does.

And he's a lot closer than you think.

Have you tried... online dating?

Damn it, Clark.

Amy, I wanted to talk to you because...

Oh, I just thought

of another crazy payroll story.

Buckle up.

It was a Friday, of course...

BROOKE: Oh, no.

He's tuning out.

That's the look he gives me when I try to tell him...

Well, just about anything.

We don't have that problem.

Jack thinks every other thing I say is "great"!

No, no, no, he's got this, just stay focused, Jack.

...and that basic bitch had the nerve

to change the margins on my profit-loss statements?

Mm-mmm.

Amy, I need to talk to you.

Look, I jumped into this without thinking it through,

and that's on me, so...

What are you trying to say?

[mouthing words]

What I'm trying to say, Amy, is...

What are you doing with your hands?

[mouthing words]

I realize that I have a lot of growing up to do,

and you and I aren't going to make it.

Are you breaking up with me?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

AMY: Wow.

I appreciate your honesty,

but when I look at the balance sheet of our relationship,

you're still kind of a jerk.

[phone camera clicks]

"Kind of a jerk."

"Kind of a jerk!"

- That's two steps above "monster." - Mm hmm.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, I keep this up, by Christmas I'll just be

"sort of unpleasant."

And hey, I grabbed Emma's hand without even thinking about it.

Uh-huh!

- Years ahead of schedule. - Great!

Oh, nice, you're doing that thing

where you don't even listen to me.

No, I'm interested, I just need new words!

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