Original subtitles

[glass clinking] JACK: Can I get everybody's attention?

My best friend Eddie just finalized his divorce.

And he is having a real hard time...

opening that champagne bottle!

Where's that samurai sword I got you?

Denise took it, along with my 30s.

[cork pops] Whoo!

[cheering and applause]

Why even bother getting divorced when you're that old?

Yeah, just ride it out for a few more years

till death or dementia takes over.

I wasn't sure which of these divorce-themed drinks

was better, so I got us some "Rum and Brokes"

and a "Sex With Someone Else On the Beach."

Thanks

Hey, work squad!

We are doing a product test on fitness trackers.

Oh, cool!

A bulky watch version of a feature our phones already have.

I was hoping you could write an article where you see

which of you can take the most steps in a single day.

I'm down. Walking hasn't been fun

since that four hours Pok?mon Go was cool.

Yeah, right, Pok?mon Go isn't cool anymore.

[quietly]: Good one, Clark.

Poor Eddie.

Have you asked him how he's feeling about the divorce?

I was going to, but then I saw the busty twins

pouring booze down his throat.

That's a cry for help.

Well, only if he's in danger of being smothered to death

by four boobs.

Come on, Jack,

you're his best friend.

Can't you tell he's overcompensating?

I'm drinking for all the right reasons!

Whoo!

You need to talk to him.

Like really talk to him.

Go deep, if you're even capable of that.

I'm deep!

I'm super deep.

Eddie and I talk about all kinds of deep stuff.

Eddie, be honest:

are my pecs too big?

Look, if you really want

to be a good friend to him, or more than just

a one-night stand to some brave woman some day.

Whoa, whoa, just a one night stand?

Are you belittling our night of cheap drunken sex?

Then you need to be able to deal with real emotions,

not avoid them.

I know what I'm talking about.

My fianc? Paul and I cry all the time.

Hey, out of all the girls in your sorority,

how did you know Paul was the one?

Look, just talk to him.

- Eddie... - Your pecs look great.

No...

Look, how are you...

You're good, right?

Yeah, I'm good.

Actually, I don't know.

Well, first answer's usually right.

I got those divorce papers yesterday.

And I was surprised how hard it hit me.

I thought I'd moved on.

Well, that sounds like... a thread that we should not

be pulling on. That'll do her.

It's like there's an emptiness in the pit of my stomach.

I know that feeling.

The one that cripples you and makes you feel

like you can't move on.

That's hunger.

Let's get you a hot dog.

It's a tip jar;

it doesn't take food stamps, you poor bitch!

Ah, Wieners Circle.

World famous hot dogs and insults...

A Chicago institution,

just like corrupt mayors and murder.

Yeah, bring it on!

That's right, ugly, you better walk away!

Actually back away so I don't have to look at your fat ass!

We all saw the fat ass,

but it took a hero to point it out.

Is that Jack Gordon?

Can't be, 'cause it's not 2:00 a.m.,

and you're not with a drunk skank who lost her friends.

[laughter]

What's up, Val?

Other than your cholesterol.

Oh, we got a comedian.

I bet you're the funniest guy in your Cross Fit class.

[laughter]

And nice man-boobs, bitch.

Now do Eddie!

This B-minus Steve Harvey?

How's your wife, baldy?

She realize you're a loser and leave you yet?

[laughter]

Yeah, actually she did.

We'll take two char dogs, please.

You think if you didn't cry like a sissy

she would've stayed?

[voice breaking]: Maybe.

[softly]: Jack.

You can't bring fragile people around here.

This isn't what a friend do, it's what a dumb bitch do.

- Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.addic7ed.com -

[phone ringing]

BROOKE: Okay, so these fitness trackers

will measure your heart rate and step count.

Look, if you move it slow like this

it doesn't register any steps.

But if you move it fast like this...

It's just exploding with steps.

Nobody laugh; he's young and discovering his body.

Now, I know you guys don't love this assignment,

so I decided to sweeten the pot.

Whoever logs the most steps in a single day

will win two tickets to...

Beyonc?!

You shut your filthy mouth!

Did you say Beyonc??

Well, I originally bought them for my fianc? Paul,

but he has a jam session he cannot get out of, so...

Oh, I didn't know Paul was a musician.

No, he's not.

I mean actual jam.

Raspberry season peaked early.

So now we all know Paul is white.

So, Jack, you're managing editor,

so please make sure these end up

in the hands of the rightful winner.

All right, you heard her!

Come on, let's get our step on!

Why aren't you guys doing this?

Nobody say anything, this is the only way

he can get to completion.

I love me some 'Yonc?, but the idea for this article

is "supes predix" and "totes obvi."

Did you just cast a spell on me?

You know, the more realistic article about office life

would be about how little we move.

What an exciting idea for an outdoor website:

an article about people not moving.

Mason, Jack loves your idea.

No, I was being sarcastic.

You know, like when I say, "Great shirt, Clark."

Oh, my goodness, thank you.

No, listen to the way I'm saying it:

[sarcastic tone]: "Great shirt, Clark."

[imitating tone]: "You're the man, Jack."

Inflection's fun.

You know what, fine.

The person with the least number of steps by the end of the day

wins the tickets.

Ooh, look, a room with no bad ideas.

I'd do anything for those Beyonc? tickets.

Even nothing.

Oh, it's on.

Ready, set, don't go.

[phone ringing]

ESTHER: That's Roland for you guys.

He says it's urgent.

All right, so we're booked.

One helicopter flight for four people.

Oh, wait, two of those people are twins,

so is there a discount?

Great, we'll be very drunk.

A helicopter ride?

That is not what Eddie needs right now.

How would you know?

You're not his friend. I'm his friend.

And by the way, I didn't want to say this, but...

he thinks you talk funny.

He needs someone to open up to.

I doubt it.

I mean, if he wants we can talk during the chopper ride,

or at the monster truck rally

or during the heavy metal laser tag.

You mean the three loudest activities two humans

can do together?

Oh, what a sad indictment of the quiet sex

you and Paul must be having.

CLARKE: It's so hard to sit still like this.

But at least you look good with that hat on.

What hat? Damn it!

Nice one, Mason. High five!

MASON: Damn it!

I see how it is.

Too bad it takes two hands to... catch!

[quietly]: I was throwing that to Emma to trick her.

Damn it!

Wow, Clark, that almost knocked off your hat.

Oh, that was a close call... damn it!

Hey, I just got my nails done but if anybody asks,

I was at the doctor for a cancer scare.

Also I need one of you guys to sign for this.

Please? It's really, really heavy.

Okay, let's actually help her.

Together, on three.

One, two, three.

We're coming for you.

What's wrong with you people?

It's gonna be okay.

Aw, I knew this day was coming.

All right, Eddie,

we've got one helicopter reservation,

43 water balloons to drop, and no adult supervision.

Let's start drinking.

Sorry, Jack, we're sort of in the middle of something.

Yeah, you are! Who's the special lady?

You're no special lady.

No, I'm just the friend that he needs.

Here you go... Enjoy.

And remember, love is a slowly eroding cliff.

[stifled sob]

What did you do to him?

I'm helping Eddie with his divorce

because clearly his best friend can't handle it.

I can handle it. Eddie!

Hey, if we don't leave now we're going to be late

for the monster truck rally,

so I'm going to need you to pinch that off.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I know men aren't supposed to cry.

It does sound unnatural.

Don't listen to Jack.

You cry all you want, okay?

Thanks, Brooke.

This helps.

Yeah, I know it hurts.

Yeah, well I knew it hurt first.

I thought I'd be with Denise forever, and now...

That dream is over.

She's having sex with a kayak instructor.

Oh, God, I'm so alone!

Plus she took my towels, my bathroom shades.

Yeah, the family next door asked me

to talk to you about that.

The grandma's freaked out.

Okay, well,

maybe if we replace some things on the outside,

it'll start helping you heal on the inside.

What have you lost in the divorce that you really miss?

I guess I'm really missing the twice-weekly sex.

I meant something you could buy.

I miss my waffle iron. And my blender.

Okay, well let's get you those things.

Paul and I have our registry at this great place.

You can make one, too.

Like a divorce registry?

Well, that doesn't sound depressing at all.

Why don't we just get him a hose that fits over a tailpipe?

A divorce registry, that's a great idea!

We can go on a shopping spree.

And if that doesn't work,

we can do the exhaust pipe thing that Jack suggested.

Well, this may surprise you, but I'm rooting for your idea.

[heart rate monitor beeping]

Judging by the lead,

I guess duct-taping my hand to the table

wasn't such a stupid idea after all, was it, Mason?

Have you thought about how you're going to get it off?

Like a Band-Aid.

Slow, lost of crying.

Okay, no matter what,

I am not moving for the rest of the day.

[coughing]

Esther, are you okay?

I think she's choking.

Yeah, nice try, guys.

Esther, which one of them put you up to this?

Wasn't me. Emma?

No!

Oh, my God, she's really choking... Emma, do something!

Me? Clark's the certified babysitter.

[arguing, overlapping dialogue]

Hey, I'm from TaskRabbit.

Somebody named Emma ordered light office assistance.

Thank God... She's choking.

And we can't move because we're all stuck

in a fitness tracker challenge.

Save her life, man!

[grunting]

[coughing]

[breathless]: That was closer than usual.

Now carry me to the bathroom.

What's your name, hot TaskRabbit?

Whatever you want it to be.

Actually, just call me Devin

because I'll get confused.

Why's your heart rate going up?

Wait, is it because you saw that dude carry Emma away?

Oh, you like her.

I don't like her, you like her!

Wait, you don't like her do you?

Okay, so if you picture her wearing a Princess Leia costume,

that doesn't do anything for you?

It depends on who I am in the scenario.

Am I Salacious Crumb? Am I Bib Fortuna?

Oh, you Han Solo.

[beeping rapidly]

Oh, this competition just took a turn for the Mason.

What'd you write on there?

Just something my best friend

neglected to tell me.

That Clark is in love with Emma.

[groaning]

Why did God have to bless me with these hairy hands?

Devin, thanks for waiting outside the door

and saying you didn't hear anything.

That was classy.

[screaming]

How was your trip to the water closet, m'lady?

This blender makes soup!

Denise's blender doesn't make soup.

I'm gonna make so much soup!

Eddie's back!

It's nice to see Eddie smiling again, isn't it?

I guess he just needed a friend capable of human emotion.

I'm an awesome friend.

I just have my own way with people.

You know what I'm talking about, Joser?

It's Jose R.

Brooke, I probably need these pizza scissors, right?

Uh, yes, and so do I.

Could you please add these to the Brooke Huxley registry?

Oh.

Miss, your registry expired.

What?

That can't be right.

Yeah, it's weird, but it's gone.

When did you guys get engaged?

About three-and-a-half years ago.

Oh, my God!

Three-and-a-half years!

That does sound like a long time

when you shout it like Joser did.

It's not that long.

Can you get my registry back?

Oh, no.

I guess after three years the computer, and most humans,

assume the relationship is over.

Fine, it's a long engagement, but things come up, right?

We both work...

Before you know it, it's raspberry season again

and the whole thing comes screeching to a halt.

Paul and I are fine!

Paul is a lady at her aquatic aerobics class.

I mean, we could probably start you a new registry, but... [scoffs].

I mean, we could probably start you

Here's your coffee, Mason.

You know what would make it even sweeter?

Dougie for me.

But you know I suck at the Dougie.

Can't I just Nae Nae?

No, Dougie.

No one likes an angry Dougie, Clark!

I thought you were my friend, man.

I guess not, if you can't even tell me

you have feelings for somebody.

Okay, fine!

I have feelings for Emma, all right?

And I wanted to win the Beyonc? tickets because I thought

there'd be less of a chance of her saying no

to hanging out with me.

Oh.

Thanks again, Devin, it's been great riding you.

Before I go, how about I grab your number?

[beeping]

Emma!

What?

Beyonc? and Jay-Z are at Yogurtland

on Michigan Avenue right now.

Shut your filthy mouth, I can actually meet her!

I'm-a go with you!

I used to crush kids like you in high school.

Is there anything I can do to make you stop cleaning?

Other than pointing out that this isn't your house?

Or a house?

It's almost four years since we got engaged

and we don't even have a date.

Look, I know you're upset,

but the important thing is...

Okay, I might need a little help with what to say,

so I'm just going to dive right in:

do you think Paul has another family?

Jack!

I told you I'm going to need a little help!

Start by asking me how I'm feeling.

Uh, how are you feeling, Brooke?

I don't know.

I'm confused.

I'm questioning my whole relationship.

[quietly]: Now ask me what I really want.

Oh!

What do you really want?

I don't know, Jack!

Will you stop being Mr. Fix It?!

I mean, why are Paul and I taking so long?

Am I being an idiot?

No, no, you're not an idiot,

but I do think that you are the one who is now

avoiding the conversation.

You should talk to Paul.

Yeah, you're right.

A talk we should have had years ago.

Thanks, Jack.

But, again, all this is meaningless

if he does in fact have another family.

Well, Clarke, congratulations,

you literally did the least.

[sarcastic tone]: You're a real inspiration.

Guys, did you hear that?

Jack thinks I'm an inspiration!

Hey, Clark.

We didn't see Beyonc?.

Yogurtland said she'd never been there.

Which is so Beyonc?.

I have these two tickets to her concert now.

Shut your filthy mouth!

Thanks, Clark!

You sure you don't want to go?

You shut your filthy mouth! I'd love to go!

I'm so excited!

She could've asked anybody, but she asked me!

Thank you, man. You're welcome.

What a disgusting generation.

You don't ever need me to do something like that, right?

Oh, God, no.

But thanks for being there for me, in your own special way.

You're welcome.

I got a rain check for that helicopter ride.

Maybe we can take it after your next divorce.

Hey, Jack.

I wanted to say thank you.

I had a talk with Paul.

Turns out, it was way overdue.

Oh, my God, he has two families?

No.

Both we were both afraid that the other one

was having cold feet.

We finally got into it...

and we've set a date.

We're going to get married in May.

How did he break it to his first wife?

I'm sorry.

That's... it's great, congrats.

It's surprising.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, that's Paul now.

Hello, Mr. Teapot.

[giggling]

You, uh... you good?

I don't know.

That sounds like a thread

we don't want to pull.

Plus your sad posture makes your pecs look great.

Hope you're hungry. This place was a recommendation from Jack.

He said the service is great.

Do you have anything vegan and cruelty free?

Oh, you came to the wrong place, Sarah McLachlan.

[laughter]

And what about you, white Urkel?

You gonna order?

Hey! I'm a Yelp super user.

Y'all hear this?

Woody and Soon-Yi are super users.

Go fly your bitch asses back to Hogwarts.

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