Original subtitles

[wolf howling]

[frogs croaking]

[crickets chirping]

[knocking]

That noise machine is driving me crazy.

Can't you just fall asleep to porn like a normal roommate?

Well, technically the crickets are mating.

Which is something you'll never do again if you keep living like this.

[animal noises stop]

I can have sex in a hammock.

The total weight can't be more than 400 pounds,

but that's a good rule anyway.

You need to get your things out of storage.

It's time for Jack Gordon to settle down.

Oh, okay, I guess you know me best.

I know you better than you.

Go ahead, ask me anything.

All right.

What's a defining moment from my childhood?

Easy: when your mom forgot it was your tenth birthday.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

Why would you bring that up?

But it is time that you stopped living

like the first mate on a lobster boat.

This is gonna hurt you more than it's gonna hurt me.

That's not usually how the phrase...

Well, just for that,

you're gonna help me move my stuff out of storage.

Ooh, I would, but I have that weak...

...sense of obligation.

Well, that leaves me three terrible options.

Morning, work friends!

Bear claw?

Did you just call us friends?

Five months ahead of schedule!

I said "work friends."

Two months ahead of schedule!

So, as work friends, it's customary

to feign interest in each other before asking for favors.

So, your weekends... How were they?

I'm interested.

Emma hacked Roland's email and sent a reminder to Brooke

that today was ugly sweater day in the office.

I see you fell for the prank too.

Next.

Mason threw an epic

"Respectful Bros and Empowered Hos" party.

It was sexy, but safe.

And Clark played it even safer by staying home.

As a feminist, I had to.

I don't like subjecting women

to the awkwardness of having to reject me in public.

It's not even 9:00.

How do you guys already know everything about your weekend?

Because we post everything.

It saves so much time.

I can't remember the last time I had to describe a cupcake.

But you don't post anything.

No Instagram,

no Facebook timeline.

You're like a hacker's greatest challenge.

I thought a hacker's greatest challenge

was having sex before 30.

Jack burn!

Emma's right.

We know nothing about your personal life.

But maybe now that we're friends...

Ha-ha, friends...

No, I'm just kidding.

No, I was just pretending to care

so you guys would help me get my stuff out of storage.

I'll help you if you keep pretending.

I'll do it for free pizza and one secret.

Yeah, I'll buy you guys some pizza,

and my secret is...

I found those donuts on top of a mailbox.

Let's go!

Morning!

Come on, how come Mason and I

are the only ones in the office spirit?

Where are you guys off to?

I'm taking them on a team-building exercise.

Oh, that's great... Clark?

We're helping him clean out his storage unit.

Narc!

All right, I'll allow it, only because I'm a cool boss.

It never sounds quite as cool

when you have to say it yourself.

We won't be long; there's not much in there.

Oh, my God.

Jackpot!

I'm gonna go get your pizza.

Most of this is trash,

so if you can't read it or sleep on it

or prevent pregnancies with it, then toss it.

Whoa!

They used to print out Google Maps?

Ew, what's East Germany?

- Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.addic7ed.com -

[phone ringing]

Sorry we're late.

Waze took us on the weirdest route.

Yeah, straight through the new Kevin Hart movie.

What's this? I told you guys to throw stuff out.

It's not that hard.

It's what I do with your articles every morning.

How could we throw all this out

when it tells us so much about you?

I know you so much better now,

and not just because I'm wearing your pants.

See, you don't have a Facebook page,

so we created one for you

complete with your profile pic, cover photo, and timeline.

Yeah, it's got everything.

Look at this old profile pic.

That's called a glamour shot,

and they were taken by a gentleman

who discovered me at a mall.

And just like Emma's timeline,

your throwback photos are the best part.

- What? - What?

Look at this old photo of you and Eddie.

In the '90s, was there a quota

of how many colors you had to wear at once?

There.

I just untagged myself.

You kept a bunch of cool stuff from the '90s...

Furbies, Bop It...

And I had no idea they made jelly sandals for men.

Those are mine!

And they did, in Europe.

It's all so cool!

I mean, look, this TV

has an air conditioner attached to it!

Clark, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Do the Backstreet Boys still want it that way?

We should use this stuff

to throw a kick-ass, authentic '90s party.

Here's a '90s reference for you:

I'm excited for this idea... not!

Wait, I'm confused.

Are you excited about it or not?

Eddie, would you let us use your bar?

I could make some money.

And in keeping with the theme,

the bathrooms haven't been cleaned since 1996.

Is this a first-generation iPod?

I heard these could only hold, like, half a song.

Uh, no, Emma, it's a "Walkman."

Let's see if it still works.

Stop, please.

Hi, you've reached the home of Jack...

And Jessie!

We're too busy to come to the phone right now...

[BOTH]: So leave your message after the bark.

[puppy barks]

What's he doing?

Uh, that's how you rewind, Mason.

He seems happy.

Doesn't!

Stop asking me about Jack's old girlfriend.

I am not telling you!

But it is literally figuratively killing me.

Did she tear out his heart

the way he tore the insides out of that...

what was that thing?

A cassette.

[ALL]: Cassette!

Trust me, some things are best left in the past.

So forget about Jessie and just act normal.

Hey, Jack!

Hiya, mister!

Bring it in, work friend.

Oh!

Now, I'm sure you have a lot of questions

about what just happened.

Oh!

Drinking on the clock.

Just like my dad.

Jack!

Brooke, go easy on Jack.

We just dug up a girl from his past.

Oh, my God, in the storage container?

No, someone he dated.

Dated?

What, for more than one night?

Please.

Who was she?

Some dumb flight attendant on some layover?

Uh, Brooke...

No, wait, wait.

A bleached blonde boat show model

who just couldn't wait to get motorboated?

Brooke, don't.

Her name was Jessie,

and we lived together for two years, and I loved her.

How about that game last night?

Or... Congress?

So wait, two human years?

It's not a big deal.

We fell in love, moved in together,

even got to the point

where I actually used the phrase "snuggle time."

We got matching Palm Pilots.

We wore out our Sarah McLaughlin tape.

Then after my first big assignment,

she had gathered all her things and disappeared.

Now, I'm sure you'd like to hear how that made me feel.

I can't believe Jack had a relationship for two years.

I can't believe he had a relationship.

I can't believe you said "motorboated."

[elevator dings]

Hey, Esther, how are you?

Oh, huge news: either me or my cat is pregnant.

Okay!

Have you been up all night?

Yes.

I couldn't stop thinking about you and Jessie.

I'm an emotional wreck.

Can't you tell?

You actually seem pretty together

for someone who's had eight Red Bulls.

Twelve.

I'm going to take these before your heart explodes.

My heart's already exploded.

With feelings.

I spent all night researching Jessie.

Here.

She's married now, two kids.

Took her husband's last name, like she lives in Iran.

So...

do you want to text her, Facebook her,

or buy her the salad spinner from her Amazon Wish List?

None of the above.

She's in my past, and Eddie's right:

that's where she belongs.

Are you sure?

You're saying you never sit by yourself at night,

scotch in hand, staring out the window,

wondering what happened?

How much can you see with that thing?!

I can help you find the answer

to every question you've ever asked about her.

Don't you want closure,

and to see if she's gained weight?

I don't know, it just seems like a lot of work.

Her favorite coffee shop's ten blocks away.

I could arrange for you to bump into her by chance.

But no, you're right.

You don't need to finally tell her off

like you always wished you could.

It's cool that she gets away with what she did to you.

I know what you're doing, and it's working.

Okay, she should be here any minute.

Oh, uh, how do I look on a scale of eight to ten?

I have 30 seconds before a massive caffeine crash.

Jessie just finished hot yoga.

She's about to walk in and order a small coffee with skim milk.

Great, I'll go get her one now.

No! Remember,

you don't know anything I've told you.

That's right.

You always...

Emma?

Jack?

Jessie?

My God, this is so random!

I'm so glad you think that!

This party's gonna be fly!

Which then became phat,

which turned into dope, which morphed into lit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

this party's gonna be fire.

You okay?

I don't know, I'm just kind of anxious.

I've been in a real lady hole recently.

No, it's the opposite of what you're thinking.

I just feel like I've lost my game.

Dude, the beauty of a theme party

is that you can come as anyone you want.

I mean, just think:

who's the coolest, most confident guy of the '90s?

Easy: Fresh Prince.

Jaden's dad?!

[laughs]

I don't think so.

Oh, you were trying to be Will Smith in that photo.

I thought you were dressed like Chuckie from Child's Play.

[camera snaps]

That photo's gone.

This photo's online forever.

Good luck explaining to your kids

why you used to wear denim tights.

If you can even have kids after wearing those.

[laughs]

If only we could think of '90s outfits

that will give you swag and help me get back at Eddie.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Olsen Twins!

No, dude.

We're bad at this.

Yeah.

Oh, and remember the lake house in Michigan we used to rent?

My husband and I, we bought it

so we could spend more time with our boys, Connor and Caleb.

Wow, what a full life.

I'm so impressed that you have time to volunteer

twice a week at the animal shelter.

Did I tell you I do that?

Yes.

I don't remember saying that.

Oh, "Mom brain"!

Those kids will run you ragged.

But it's good to see you.

You too.

I followed your career,

but I've always wondered how you've been.

Yeah, I've always wondered something, too.

Uh, what is it?

Oh yeah, why did you ditch me without explanation

and ball-punch my heart in the face?

I owe you an apology for that.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't... a good girlfriend.

You were a great girlfriend!

You always gave me my space, your girls' night outs...

Jack.

I cheated on you.

Wow.

It was Eddie...

What?!

...who found out.

I'm sorry, that was a terrible place to pause.

Anyway, after he found out,

Eddie told me that you'd been thinking

about giving up your career to be with me,

and he didn't think that was right,

so we both decided that I should go.

Wow, you're so thoughtful for a lying cheater.

I can't believe he did that and didn't tell me.

Yeah, me neither.

He is clearly the bad guy here.

Yeah, well,

I gotta go.

Have fun at pottery class.

Okay, I know I didn't mention pottery.

You get some sleep now, kiddo!

Thanks, Eddie.

Cool '90s party.

Thanks, Esther.

Are you Bono?

No.

I got pink eye.

Check it out, Eddie!

It's your best friend Jack and his best friend you!

Come on, don't leave me hanging like your second overall strap!

Laugh all you want,

but that's the outfit that got me to second base

outside a taping of The Ricki Lake Show.

Cool story, Hootie.

Where are the rest of your Blowfish?

'90s Jack burn!

What's with Clark?

He's channeling Jack.

It's super annoying.

Says the guy who looks like

Super Mario had sex with a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Jack burn!

Oh, excuse me.

Jack flirt.

Bing!

You've got male.

M-A-L-E.

Oh!

Clark?

Brooke, you surprised me.

I don't know where I'm supposed to look.

We're full of surprises, aren't we?

I own a sexy dress,

Jack actually seems to have a heart,

and you appear to be the fifth Golden Girl?

Young Jack Gordon.

Say, we're both in the adventure game,

we're both obviously tens.

How come you and I have never hooked up?

It seems like that would have happened,

but it definitely didn't.

I'm so tired,

but I know I came in here to warn you about something.

Eddie!

How dare you?

Give me a second.

I'll think of it.

You told Jessie to break up with me?

You talked to Jessie?

Yeah, Mrs. Robot here helped me track her down.

Jack, I'm sorry,

but you were about to give up a dream career

for a girl who wasn't...

I know she was cheating on me,

but why didn't you talk to me about it?

Because I know you.

You would have tried to find a way to stay.

That was my choice.

We could have worked it out.

Jessie could have been my wife.

Connor and Caleb could have been my kids.

I'm not sure that's how kids work.

I can't believe

you went behind my back

and made the biggest decision of my life for me.

That's not what best friends do.

Oh, I'm sorry to be the guy

who tells you to stop sleeping in a hammock

and saves you from building a life

with a girl who cheated on you.

If that's not a best friend, I don't know what is.

Well,

you tell that to Connor and Caleb,

who've never met their real dad!

Thanks for the digits.

Not like I'm gonna use it anyway.

Jack blow-off!

So you're supposed to be me from the '90s?

Whoa!

Hey there, future me.

I can't believe I actually got cooler.

Pretty good with the ladies now?

Yeah, but I'm not looking for anything serious.

I'm young Jack Gordon.

You can't tie me down.

You are a terrible young Jack Gordon,

and not just because

you have the muscle mass of a ham sandwich.

[BOTH]: Jack burn!

No, it's because you're wrong.

I would have settled down with the right person.

Wow, tell me, do I suddenly become stupid,

or does it happen gradually over the next two decades?

What's that supposed to mean, homeless Justin Timberlake?

If I would have settled down,

think about the things I would have missed out on.

In 2001, I will be exploring

the most northern parts of Norway.

And the southern parts of Ingrid.

In 2006, I'm gonna spend ten weeks

having my endurance tested by the Sahara.

And by Sofia.

In 2011, I will be diving head-first

into the deep cave systems of Vietnam.

I got a staph infection on that trip.

But I did have sex with a nurse.

And it's all gonna lead up to one moment in 2016

where I, old Jack Gordon,

am gonna meet the greatest kid I've ever known.

And his name is Clark.

I'll put a hand on his shoulder

and I'll finally call that kid my friend.

You're right.

I've always had a friend who's been there for me.

And his name...

...is Eddie.

Wait!

You have to call Clark your friend

or it upsets the fabric of time!

What's getting you down?

That fight you had with Jack, or is this entire party

reminding you how crazy old you've gotten?

Well, it was just the Jack thing.

Eddie, because of you I never settled down,

constantly traveling the world looking for my next thrill,

having nothing more than short-term, superficial flings,

one after the other.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I'm sorry I went behind your back.

I just never want you to feel how you felt

on your tenth birthday.

Okay, you gotta stop bringing that up.

We don't have any issue that was just resolved,

but let's hug anyway.

Because we're comfortable expressing our emotions.

[BOTH]: Word to your mother.

Why are you smiling?

Well, over the last couple of days,

I've seen a part of Jack I hadn't seen before.

Well, it's only fitting.

I'm seeing parts of Brooke I've never seen before.

Stop it.

You're right.

I've seen them before.

[laughs]

You can joke all you want, but now I know

this whole "lone wolf refusing to settle down" thing

is just one big reaction to heartbreak.

And now that's behind you,

who knows?

Who knows?

- I know! - You know?

Jack's about to come in here and yell at Eddie.

Nailed it.

Eddie! Eddie, you rolling?

- Yeah! - Yeah, you rolling?

Okay, here we go.

This is what we're doing.

Starting back there, right?

I'm gonna run up, hit the trampoline.

Ready?

Triple flip, dumpster!

Show it!

Yeah, feet first, dumpster.

Here we go, you ready?

Got it!

Okay, three, two, one!

I'm Jack Gordon, and I'm trampoline dumpster diver.

[Eddie cheering]

[muffled]: Ready?

Yeah, just go already!

[muffled]: Here we go, start now!

Uh-oh, your flipper.

Yeah!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!

I did it!

It was so money!

I triple flipped!

You got so high!

Triple flip right here!

Did you get it?

Of course I got it!

I'm gonna be a TV star!

- You're gonna be my cameraman. - You got it!

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