Original subtitles

You want me to hand you these beers,

or should I just text them?

We're not texting, we're swiping.

For matches.

On a dating app.

Hey.

What if I told you there was a dating app

that would allow you to meet actual human beings

right now?

You know what it's called?

A bar.

Ew, is that for Android?

It's for people... You're in one right now.

You walk up to someone, you talk,

and if you like each other, you're already on a date.

So you just walk up to some stranger

while they're out with their friends?

Creepy.

[phone dings]

Ooh, that guy messaged me.

"What's up?"

Wow, he's good.

Well, this has been...

Bad.

It's been bad.

You look sick to your stomach.

[softly]: I told you never to eat the food in here!

No.

It's the A.V. club and their stupid dating apps.

Ah, another stubborn rejection of technology

from the old man who once said, "3G is already plenty of G."

It is.

You know, Jack, the game has changed

since you moved back into the city.

Dating apps are totally mainstream now.

Yeah, it's true.

It's actually how I met Paul.

Oh, really?

What was the app, Khaki Meets Cardigan?

I'm kidding, I got another one.

Oh, what was the app, Blander?

Trust me.

All the women you used to meet in bars?

They're on here now.

Look, I don't need an app to get a date.

I've done fine on my own on all seven continents

and on one submarine voyage,

where I almost joined the mile-deep club.

Yeah, but that was back

when you were a big-shot adventure reporter.

Which you're not anymore.

If you'll excuse me, I shall now show you how fine I am.

Wingman?

I'm on it.

Excuse me, are you Jack Gordon?

The man who survived the McKinley avalanche?

You must get this a lot,

but you are the paragon of masculinity.

[laughs]

So embarrassing.

But typical.

Hi, I'm Jack Gordon.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, my gosh, I'd love that,

but I'm actually, I'm meeting someone.

We just matched an hour ago.

Oh, there he is!

Clark!

Hi.

Jack!

Would you mind hitting a booth?

You're kind of Clark-blocking me right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jack.

I'm not.

If dating apps can help a guy like him

get a girl like her,

then a man like me could get...

I don't know, a mermaid!

- Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.addic7ed.com -

[elevator dings]

Morning, Esther, how are you?

Ugh, my boyfriend's boyfriend's staying with us,

so the whole place smells like spaghetti.

[quickly]: Okay, thank you!

[laughing]

I died when I found your dating profile this morning.

Look at me.

I'm freaking out.

Okay, yeah.

I joined one of those stupid dating apps.

But how hard could it be?

I mean, I've used UberEats.

You push a button,

and then a burrito shows up at your apartment.

I don't know, Jack.

It's not as easy as you think.

It is when you look like that.

Not when your profile looks like this.

Yeah!

Ew.

Yeah!

[laughs]

Jack, this is terrible.

What do you have against shirts?

Did a V-neck kill your parents?

Why don't we help you with your profile?

We can find new pics, punch up your bio,

make you look a little less...

- Awesome? - Douchey.

Oh, hard no.

Dating is not a group activity.

This isn't Utah.

Jack.

You need us.

Because you're new at this.

Because you're old at life.

Yeah.

And we're all good at this.

Right.

I bet you're a real...

ladies' man?

Sometimes.

All right, all right.

Clark writes everyone's messages.

He's incredible at getting dates.

Really? How did it go with the girl from the bar last night?

Well, let's just say the night ended at Third Base.

Wow.

Oh, no, Third Base is a Chicago Cubs bar.

We got one drink and I choked on a peanut.

So she left, and I went to Jerk It.

It's a beef jerky bar by Wrigley Field.

Then I masturbated.

Yeah, Clark's great over text, but tends to blow it in person.

It's true.

You ever call a girl "Mom" on a date?

Not good.

Yeah, Jack, your profile needs help,

so what do you say?

Um, Jack...

Come with me, I have some horrible news.

You remember our mutual friend, Glen MacManus?

He was just killed.

Oh, no.

He was only 21.

To Glen!

To Glen!

He was one smooth son of a bitch.

I saw you were surrounded

and might be in need of help.

Yeah, what is it with these kids?

They think their most private things are everybody's business.

Last week, Mason live-tweeted Emma's pregnancy scare.

Yes.

That romanian DJ certainly dodged a bullet.

Now they want to crowd-source my dating life.

Oh, Jack, it's a tough transition.

When I was out in the field, dating was easy as rain.

Then when I returned, the clubs were loud,

the women were fast,

the cocaine was surprisingly weak.

I worried.

I worried that I, I might be out of touch.

Do you think I'm out of touch?

Jack, that's one of those questions

to which the answer is always "yes."

But chin up!

You don't need our young colleagues' help with dating.

When I was at my lowest point, I remembered

that I had something timeless,

which would always make me attractive.

And that was money.

Lots of it.

Roland, I don't have lots of money.

No, but that means the moral of the story is,

you should ask our young colleagues for help.

Okay.

If I did ask for your help...

would you promise to be normal about it?

We're one step ahead of you, and absolutely not!

[thundering music playing]

Emma has completely re-imagined your bio.

I already regret this.

Shh.

The world spins at a thousand miles an hour.

Yet life moves even faster.

Don't we ache for a time of utter simplicity?

Who is Jack Gordon?

I'll tell you.

Jack.

Six foot four.

"100" emoji.

That's it?

Why was the black kid holding a feather?

Now, Mason has done an amazing job fixing your photos.

What was wrong with my photos?

I'm so glad you asked.

[dance music playing]

"I'm a self-centered jerk who once climbed a mountain."

Uh, no, thank you.

It's time to go from hateable...

to dateable.

Presenting Jack 2.0.

Oh, I'm so glad two sherpas died

to help me bake a dozen cupcakes.

They're muffins, moving on.

We get it... you got abs.

But you know what Jack 2.0 has?

Friends.

And a shirt.

This is crazy!

You're throwing away everything that makes me awesome.

I mean, why would you make me look

like some middle-aged office worker

whose best years are behind him?

Yeah, what were we thinking?

Yeah, I'm definitely out.

Oh, too late! We're live.

Holy crap, I'm back in.

Yeah, sure, I'll bid on her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You don't bid on people.

If you like someone, swipe right.

If you don't, swipe left.

Swipe right.

Whoa! Holster the pistol, Gordon.

Come on, we're a perfect match.

We both enjoy long crawls on the beach.

This girl only has one photo.

It's obviously stolen from the Internet.

Why would a girl that hot steal a photo from the Internet?

I am swiping left.

Okay, she's gorgeous.

Oh, is she?

Which one?

The one in the middle!

Yeah, that's what "Jennifer" wants you to think.

Classic Trojan Horse.

Never trust a group shot.

And I should know.

It's all I use... left!

I think I've reached my quota on help from Virgin America.

Sarah. She looks great.

I'm swiping right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't do it, Jack.

Major red flags here.

She has one photo, and it's a group shot.

[chiming]

We matched!

I'll set up a date on my own.

Your training is not complete!

Don't forget what happened to Luke

when he rushed to face Vader.

Oh, yeah, that's how you convince me

that I need your help with women...

Star Wars references.

I got it from here.

It's a different world now.

I'm worried you're going to get taken advantage of.

I hope I get taken advantage of!

Really?

Push-ups in the kitchen?

They can take away my mountain photos and ab shots,

but they can't take away my pre-date pump.

It's not what it sounds like.

Here.

Will you sit on my feet?

[laughs]

Well, for what it's worth, all that "rugged adventurer" stuff?

It's not what makes a man attractive to me.

Oh, you've never been attracted to the rugged adventurer type?

If you are referring to the company retreat,

that was one night, and it only happened

because of the bottomless mojitos.

There were a lot of things bottomless that night.

Look, all I am saying is

that there are more important qualities to a man.

I mean, take Paul, for example.

You know, I love how he's always there for me

at the end of the day.

I love how he's a little mysterious, but still playful.

How he snuggles up to me on the couch.

Brooke...

I have to ask you something.

And I need you to tell me the truth.

Your fianc?, Paul.

Is he a cat?

No!

Are you absolutely sure?

Does he play with yarn?

Hate dogs? Loves laser pointers?

Jack, don't worry, I mean...

You're still the exciting Jack Gordon everyone loves.

It's just...

Well, you're having adventures of a different kind now.

Instead of wild rivers,

you're navigating a treacherous digital transition.

You're battling not the wind and the rain,

but poor web design and sans-serif fonts.

Your whole family sucks at pep talks.

The important thing is you will never lose your identity.

You are still an outdoorsman.

You're just a different type of outdoorsman.

You're an indoorsman.

Hi... Jack Gordon.

You must be...

the middle girl from the photo.

Hi... Sarah.

[chuckles]

Oh, sorry about that.

I just got these back from the shop.

I wore them out in... Siberia.

Wow.

You were in Siberia?

Ah, it's a pretty boring story.

Up until the wolf pack surrounded me.

[elevator dings]

- Morning, Esther. - So, long story short was,

there was a meatball in the shoe.

Oh!

Boom!

Good dinner, good chemistry, good night kiss.

Sarah was fantastic.

First Internet date?

Crushed it.

Who's the old man now?

The guy who just said

he crushed his first Internet date?

I'm glad your date went well. And see?

I told you, you're still the same Jack Gordon.

No one can take your identity away from you.

I love that positivity, Brooke.

Paul is lucky to spend one of his nine lives with you.

Wow, so, Jack, you going to see her again?

I'll message her about hanging out tonight.

What are you guys planning, "Blockbuster and chill"?

[laughs]

Haven't heard back yet.

My bank, on the other hand,

can't seem to lay off my Johnson.

I've got, like, three texts.

Apparently someone tried to withdraw

all the money from my account.

Um, Jack, is that account linked to the card you used

to pay for dinner last night? Yeah.

And your account was hacked

immediately afterwards?

- So? - [others groan]

We tried to warn you about this stuff, Jack.

I think your "perfect match" just stole your identity.

Well, that's weirdly ironic.

Because Brooke just said no one could take your identity,

but now...

Yeah, Clark, we're all making that connection!

Jack.

Jack, I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I just heard the most awful news

about our dear, seafaring friend Captain Morgan.

Wow, Jack.

You grandpa'd out even harder than I expected.

No one "grandpa'd out."

You tried a new piece of technology

and got your identity stolen.

I have to agree, Jack.

Next to leaving your teeth at a Denny's,

that's as grandpa as it gets.

There's no way Sarah stole my identity.

We had a great date.

I've never had a woman ask me so many questions.

What kind of questions?

Wait, I'm Scottish!

I hope we're not related.

What is your mom's maiden name?

Well, if that was the city that you were born in,

then what was your first concert?

What about your porn name?

It's where you take the street that you grew up on

and the name of your first pet.

Oh, that would be "Brutus Steelmember."

Kidding, it's "Eighth Street Gary Turtlepants."

What? Those are common questions.

Those are common security questions.

It didn't set off any alarms

when she asked you your mother's maiden name?

Oh, I'm sorry that making sure

you're not having sex with your own cousin

isn't a priority for you, Mason.

All right, I'll message her

and solve this once and for all.

Her profile's gone.

She must have unmatched you.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yes, why would she try and steal your money

when you don't have any?

There's got to be another explanation.

We need to find Sarah and figure out the truth.

Ooh, sounds like you're hatching a sting!

No, I'm not hatching...

Sting! Sting! Sting!

Stop it, or the sting is canceled.

Now, I have a plan to track her down.

I know a guy who's a police sketch artist.

- Actually, Jack... - Let me finish.

We go to a Kinko's, we make a bunch of these flyers

with those little tear-off phone numbers on the bottom.

Blanket the city.

Or if it's helpful, I'm friends with her on Facebook.

I like to friend anyone

who might be important in Jack's life.

That's weird.

Your sister Kathy thinks so, too.

Oh, it is on...

Like Scott Caan!

Clark, use your epic text game

to see if she'll meet up with you.

We tag along, then we pounce, and we confront her!

Mm, this is definitely a sting!

No, it's not.

Sting! Sting! Sting! Sting!

I hate you all!

Shh, guys, it's her.

Hi... Sarah.

Hi, I'm Glark.

I'm sorry, did you say your name was Glark?

[braying]: No, no.

It's Glark.

Not Glark.

[slowly]: Glark.

She's too hot.

He can't handle it.

This is ridiculous... You two stay here.

[whispering]: It's Clark.

Jack?

Sarah, wow!

This is crazy.

After our date, which we really enjoyed,

someone may have stolen my identity.

Admit it.

You lured a confused old man to a date and robbed him blind.

I'm sorry, who are these people?

Wait, is this some kind of sting?

- You're damn right it is! - No.

Sting! Sting! Sting!

Enough, enough. Stop.

I didn't steal anybody's identity.

Really?

Then why did you unmatch him?

Because he's so full of himself!

- Oh, yeah, it checks out. - Oh, yeah.

He has earned it.

I think that I'm meeting this great guy,

then he makes me listen to "15 amazing tales of survival."

His word.

I'm still waiting for the bad part.

Hold on, then why did you ask me all those questions?

Well, you clearly only wanted to talk about yourself.

The only question that you asked me was,

[imitating]: "What else you want to know?"

And it's my fault for ignoring

all of the warning signs on your profile.

Shirtless photo? Classic red flag.

Well, after you vetoed the first one,

I may have taken a selfie in the bathroom mirror.

It looks great.

Um, did you happen to notice the computer in the reflection?

And the post-it note in the corner

with your username and password,

which, I assume, you use for everything?

Oh, I don't...

That would be...

Crap.

Jack, why would you post this?

Because I hate being Jack 2.0.

I refuse to be the Muffin Man!

Okay.

So glad I waxed for this.

Jack, what is going on?

Where's your confidence?

No offense, but you're coming off

like a total Clark right now.

Did you just say "no offense" to yourself?

Look, if I'm not the guy with amazing tales of survival,

then I'm what?

You're the successful managing editor

of a legendary outdoor magazine?

I guess that's not bad.

And you always send thank you notes.

Which is a lost art.

What, you're the only friend that can give Jack a compliment?

I'm sorry, guys, I just...

I guess I got up in my own head and forgot how awesome I was.

I mean, this stuff, it's not easy.

How do you nerds do it?

It's tough for all of us, man.

That's why we help each other out.

It's kind of like when we wingman for each other.

[door opens]

Clark, go stand over by that post.

Literally, anything you want me to do,

at any times, always.

Oh, pardon me, are you Clark Robertson, the online reporter?

Oh, your anti-logging article was an act of bravery.

And I should know, because I'm a paragon of masculinity.

Is that true?

Of course, it is.

Look at him.

Sorry, let me try this again.

Hi, Mom... oh!

I'm glad you're sticking with the dating app thing.

And maybe someday you'll meet your Paul.

That'd be wonderful, except...

my building doesn't allow pets.

Jack!

Come on, Jack.

Paul doesn't deserve this.

Thank you, Eddie.

What's with the milk?

Oh, Paul's not joining us?

- Because he's a cat. - Yes!

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