All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s06e09 Bachelor.eng

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
the biggest night for any bride,

besides the wedding,
was the bachelorette party.

Lashes were curled,
hair was crimped,

sashes were sashed...

All to make it a night
that the bride-to-be would never forget.

Guys, it's so sweet you went
to all this trouble for me.

Really? 'Cause you said
if we didn't,

you'd "never forgive us."

And then you said, "If you're
going to go to the trouble,

do everything I say."
Still, so sweet.

We totally went all-out.

I even packed us a naughty bag
of bachelorette nastiness.

Check it out,
girlfriend.

Oh, n-n-n-never!

Bar, you need to chill.

All we're doing
is going for a little fondue

and a lot of karaoke.

Where there's music,
there's dancing.

Will there be dancing
in a group setting? Someone tell me.

What's happening?

As bridesmaids,
you are legally obligated

to form
a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.

I thought our job was to,
like, catch the bouquet

and hook up with
a random hot cousin.

Wrong! Now, everyone fall into
anti-grinding formation.

Let's practice.

Hey, I'm a local townie
looking for a good grind.

Uh-oh. They're playing
"Safety Dance."

But this is not safe.

Honestly,
it's going to be fine.

Then you leave me
no choice.

Attention!

I shall throw my own
wild bachelor party.

Cool.
Really?

I trust you.
Well, you shouldn't.2

You should. You're never
gonna do better anyway.

Agreed.
Time to go tell my best man

to plan a gnarly
bachelor party

and also
pick my best man.

**

Adam, it's recently
come to my attention

that I need a best man,
and I've made my choice.

Naked Rob, right?

He's the heart and soul
of the JTP.

No, dummy.

It's you,
'cause you're my brother

and you mean
the stupid world to me.

What?
Stop.

Don't make this
all weird and tearful.

I-I just can't help it.
It's just such a wonderful moment for us.

No! Don't you dare
feel deep emotion,

'cause then
I'll feel it, too!

(VOICE BREAKING)
I just...

I have a brother
who loves me so much.

It's true.

We gotta do
man stuff fast.

We can battle
on my official

"Over the Top"
arm-wrestling table.

(VOICE BREAKING) I'm gonna
break all the little bones in your little bird hand.

Do it. Right now.

Be Stallone.
Go over the top and pin my arm.

Oh, no!

Now we're just holding
hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.

Your fingers are
so gently entangled in mine.

It's like you're
my missing puzzle piece!

I don't know where I stop
and where you begin!

No!

If you cry tears of love,
then I'll cry tears of love.

Oh, no! I hear crying.
I've got my first-aid kit.

What's wrong?

Barry asked me
to be his best man!

Oh, sweet God, no.

(VOICE BREAKING)
I love this boy.

(VOICE BREAKING)
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.

Hold me in your arms.
(ADAM CRYING)

(ALL SOBBING)

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was December 5th, 1980-something,

and my mom was
dropping us off at school

in my dad's crappy old car.

At least, she was trying to.

Goldbergs, you're up.
Unlock and unload.

Mwah, mwah. Go.

Be the amazing, delicious boys
I birthed you to be.

Damn it!

You know this door
doesn't open from the inside.

You gotta get out
and open it.

Goldberg, Goldfarb,
let's hurry it up.

Damn it, just get out
on Adam's side.

(ADAM EXCLAIMS)

The door's bungee-d shut

'cause Dad slammed it too hard
after the Eagles lost.

Oh, poop!
(HORN HONKS)

No, you don't get out.
They get out.

If I don't get out,
they can't get out.

I'm sorry. I had to take
Murray's car today.

I don't need your backstory,

Norman Mailer.
Just get 'em out.

Damn it, Murray!
All right, we got a two-minute limit.

You're gonna have to
circle back around. Next!

I am not getting back

in that line.
Look at how long it is.

It's that long
because of you!

Mom, let us out!

Boys, just climb out
the window.

Go, go, go!
(HORN HONKING)

Oh, Schmoopie, no!
Don't go headfirst!

I gotta see
what I'm landing on.

I don't want to get
a gravel rash.

All right, this circus act
is unacceptable.

Oh, no! My glasses!

Forget 'em.
You got four other senses.

Wait.
My Toaster Strudel.

I'll drop it off
later.

It's fine. I'll just
"Dukes of Hazzard" it.

Oh, Barry, no. Do not
"Dukes of Hazzard" the window.

Too late!

(GROANS)

You need a new car.

Ah, again with this?

My car works just fine.
Tell her, Bill.

This kind of feels like

one of those
lose-lose situations

I'd rather not
be involved in.

Too late.
You're going with us.

You're gonna be
a bad influence

and goad him
into spending some money.

How about this?
We compromise.

I replace the door handle,
and boom! Everybody wins!

Forget the door handle.

You've been driving
the same car

since our first date.

So it's got sentimental value.
You get it.

You're getting a new car.

**

(THUD)
Hey!

Time to talk bachelor party,
best man.

Last night, I taped
a movie off Cinemax

starring Tom Hanks,

that forever
changed my life...

"Bachelor Party."

My dad said that movie
was a raunchy shlockfest

that celebrates
the lowest form of comedy.

Your dad knows his stuff.

It is brilliant, and I want it
to be the blueprint

for my zany bachelor party.

What exactly do you mean
by "zany"?

I'm talking about
a giant rager in a hotel suite

with sketchy babes,

unruly Japanese businessmen,

and a beer-guzzling mule
that passes out.

That sounds very adult.

Exactly!

Everyone's saying
I'm just a dumb kid

who's stupidly
getting married.

But this party will prove
I'm a dumb adult

who's stupidly
getting married.

That logic kind of tracks.

Thank you,
David Kimberly.

You think "Kim" is short
for "Kimberly"?

I'm certain of it.

Get to party planning, boys.

No pressure, but my whole
marriage depends on it.

Don't worry.
I will not rest

till I throw you the bachelor
party in "Bachelor Party."

(CHEERING ON TVV)

You can't throw him
this bachelor party in this movie, man.

You can't do it.
I know, Dave Kim.

There's so much bad language
and full-frontal shenanigans.

I know, Dave Kim!

Why would
boyishly lovable Tom Hanks

agree to be in this?

He's done.
He'll never work again.

I know, Dave Kim!

Barry said his marriage
hinges on this!

What are you
gonna do, bro?

I don't know, Dave Kim.
I don't know.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
the only thing harder

than throwing Barry
a bachelor party

was getting my dad
to buy a new car.

Howdy, folks. Welcome
to Calabasas Family Auto.

Hey, I'm gonna kick things off
with a friendly ice breaker.

Are any of you guys cops?

No?
Perfect!

Hey, this handsome
young guy looks like

he's looking for something
sporty, right?

Not even a little.
Okay.

Please don't touch me.
Sounds like a plan.

Actually,
I dragged him here.

He needs a new car.

Well, I can tell
just from the look of you

that you only settle
for the best. Am I right?

You are not.

Save your spiel
for the other suckers.

I'm just here
for a new handle.

Murray, look at me
and hear the words

of a woman who was
banned from carpool.

You're getting a car today.

Any car. I don't even care
what it is at this point.

My God, Mur-man!

You're such
a cheap bastard,

your wife has
completely given up

and letting you get
whatever car you like.

No, no. Now, let's respect
your sensible pal

and his sensible choices.

Allow me to show you
to our finest door handles,

which are just past
the luxury sports cars.

Don't let them seduce you.

Ah, let me make this easy
on you, okay?

No, no, no...

Never.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
my dad would ask a question

that would change
the course of history.

What's that?

That, my friend,
is the "Bitter."

It's Austrian.
So very rare.

Kind of looks like a Ferrari.
I really loved those as a kid.

Come on, Murray.
For once in your life,

just treat yourself.

And what a treat!

Hey, Mur!
Individual seat heaters!

You know what they call that?
"The marriage saver."

Maybe if I had
these bun toasters,

I'd still be married. (LAUGHS)

Who am I kidding?

We had separate bedrooms,
only said hi in the hallway.

But come on!

Ah, (BLEEP) it!

Aw, don't let your sad pal
sell you

on this marvel
of modern engineering

that happens to go
from zero to 60 in only 8.1 seconds flat.

That is fast.

That's because
there's a V-6 engine

and 210 horses
under the hood.

That's a lot of ponies
running wild.

I call 'em ponies, too,
and nobody ever gets that.

I'm starting to think that
this thing is meant to be.

She is a beauty.

So? What do you think?

Do we have ourselves
a sale?

Here's the thing.

I'm a simple man.

I-I don't need
fancy things.

I just need, uh...

A new door handle.
Fine.

Follow me to Parts.

So close.

Disappointed!

ADULT ADAM: And so, my dad's
car troubles were over.

Little did he know, my mom
was about to switch gears.

**

Morning, sunshine.

What the hell did you do?

You may refuse
to treat yourself,

but I can still
treat you.

Oh, you should see
the look on your face.

(CHUCKLING)
Seriously...

Hey, don't shut
the door on me.

It's the Ferrari
of Austria, Murray!

Lose yourself
in luxury!

Damn, Murray,
take the car!

(YELLS)

BARRY: Okay, best man.

Take us through my epic
adult-man bachelor party.

ALL:
Adult-man bachelor party!

Strap yourselves in, boys.

First, we kick it off
at the Willow Grove Mall

with a fun night
of Skee-Ball and more at Challenges Arcade.

Question.

Does the "more" include
nudity and/or keg stands?

ALL:
Nudity and/or keg stands!

It does not.

But it does include
unlimited tokens, air hockey,

and a private party room
featuring a Cookie Puss cake.

Question.
In this said private party room,

will there also be
a stolen Porsche

and/or a drunk donkey?

ALL:
And/or drunk donkey!

No.
But fear not,

'cause I did book us
a mini-horse

that we can pet and be like,
"Look! A mini-horse."

Dude!
I asked for a crazy rager fit for men.

You're just throwing me
a lame kid's birthday party.

Maybe that's 'cause
I am a kid.

Then I hereby fire you
as best man

and demote you
to regular man.

No. Please don't make me
just regular.

JTP, you're
my new best man.

ALL: New best man!

Adam, vacate
the presenting area.

Let's hear it, boys.
What do you got?

Bro, if you want
an adult-man bachelor party,

then we are gonna
go extreme!

I say we kick off the night
in a badass arcade

with some high-octane
Skee-Ball!

High-octane.
Now we're talking.

Followed by some extreme
arcade gameplay,

totally balls out
and wild!

That is balls out.
You guys just get it.

Then we kick it up to the max
with a monster mini-horse

and a no-holds-barred cake

made of insanely cold
ice cream!

This is insane.
All of it.

Dude!
They just said the exact same stuff as me,

only they're shouting
and using fancier adjectives.

Sorry. Nailed.
Yeah. We're kids, too.

Fine!
Adam's best man again.

ANDY: No!
Damn it!

Dude, this is an emotional
roller coaster.

How hard is it to throw me
a gnarly bachelor party

that proves I'm a gnarly adult
ready for marriage?

Honestly, none of us can
throw you that kind of party.

But lucky for you,
I know a guy who specializes in gnarly.

ADULT ADAM:
And that guy was none other

than our party animal uncle,
(DOORBELL RINGS)

Marvin Goldberg.

I heard somebody's
in the market for a gnarly bachelor party.

Now, tell me,
on a scale from 1 to 10,

how gnarly?

Six?
Eight.

I heard six and eight.
That's 14.

Out of my way, boys!

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
it was gonna be a big, gnarly mistake.

ADULT ADAM: Even though my mom
treated my dad to a new Bitter,

it just made him
more bitter than ever.

I mean it, Bevy.
I'm returning that damn car.

The last thing I need
is the Ferrari of Austria.

Sure you do.

Those people make
a quality product.

They gave us the boomerang
and Crocodile Dundee.

It's Austria,
not Australia.

My God. Just...let me
handle this, okay?

Murray, please.
Just take the Bitter for a spin.

Look! I got you
driving gloves.

I don't want to wear gloves
while I drive.

What am I?
The Equalizer?

Come on, Murray.
Sporty new gloves for your sporty new car.

Just drive the thing.

Oh, I'll drive the thing.

Right back to that
shyster's car lot.

ADULT ADAM: At least, that was
my dad's plan... (HORN HONKS)

...until this happened.

What?
Like the car. What is it?

It's a Bitter.
Never seen one. Where's it from?

Austria. Very rare.

Kind of looks
like a Ferrari.

Love those cars.

Yeah, Ferraris are okay.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for letting me
look at it.

ADULT ADAM:
Yep. That first car compliment made my dad feel pretty good.

And by the tenth,
he was riding high.

Hey.
What kind of car?

Uh, it's a Bitter.

Austrian. Very rare.

At first, I thought
it was a...

Oh, Ferrari. Yeah.
It gets that a lot.

Also, Austria isn't the place
with the boxing kangaroos.

That's Australia.

See?
I'm growing, too.

You know, it's funny.
When I drive it,

I feel like I'm standing out,

but not in a bad way.

Murray,
do you feel special?

Yeah. I-I guess.
I-I do feel special.

You are special,

and for once in your life,
you deserve special things.

Ah, screw it!
I'm a Bitter man now.

ADULT ADAM:
Yep, that crazy foreign car

made something
even crazier happen,

It made my dad start
to embrace feeling special...

(ENGINE REVS)
...for about 10 seconds.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(ENGINE STOPS)

(HORN BLARING)

Gentlemen, thanks for coming
to Barry's bachelor party.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Adam, cue
the mind-blowing visuals!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

MARVIN: (DEEP-VOICE)
Philadelphia, known for the Liberty Bell,

South Street,

and the world's
greatest cheesesteaks.

But tonight, none of that
matters, not one damn bit.

(MUSIC STOPS)
What?

But you made me
go around the city

taking photos
of that stuff.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
It's for dramatic effect, man.

(DEEP VOICE) Which I achieved.

Because tonight, there's only
one landmark that matters,

Delaware County's
wildest dance club,

(MUSIC RESUMES)
Pulsations!

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

We're talking
6,000-square-foot dance floor,

wall-to-wall babes,

lasers, smoke machines,

giant speakers that guarantee
permanent hearing loss,

and a sentient party robot
that came to get down.

Seriously?
They have a party robot?

(PROJECTOR CLICKS)
Little fun fact,

it's the same robot
they cast in "Rocky IV" as Paulie's robo-butler.

ALL: Ooh!

And now, in your envelopes
you will find,

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Binaca spray, Mexican pesos,

anti-venom,
and fake I.D.s.

Sweet! I'm a 65-year-old
organ donor named Enzo Pinetti.

GEOFF: George P. Shultz?

Isn't he,
like, Secretary of State?

Yeah, maybe you want
to tuck your shirt in.

Philippe Tallahassee?
Sounds totally made up, bro.

Not as made up as
Abner Q. Cheeseburger.

Of German descent.
It's perfectly plausible.

Yeah, okay. This whole night
sounds a little intense.

Trust me, Cheeseburger.
You'll be fine.

If not, the safeword
is "apricot."

Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm going home.

Guys, this terrifying
journey to adulthood

is exactly what I need.

Just like Tom Hanks
in "Bachelor Party,"

this will finally
get me ready for marriage.

Now we're starting
to make some good decisions.

Okay, now let's go over
what to expect

in the VIP room at
(SING-SONG) Pulsations! BARRY: Yes!

(GROANING)

Apricot! Apricot!
Help! What? N-No!

Yeah, this thing's
never driving again.

Never?
Like never ever?

Yeah. Not sure
if you know this.

This is a Bitter.
Austrian, very rare.

Yeah. We're aware.

Can't you just fix it?

Well, I mean,
here's the thing.

If you have a car
there's only one of,

I mean, it ain't easy
to get parts.

There's legitimately none
in this country.

So,
what you're saying is,

I splurged
on something nice for myself,

and the very next day,
it's broken forever?

Yeah, that's
exactly the case.

Your fault!
No,

I saw the way you were
looking at the Bitter.

You wanted the Bitter.

You're a Bitter man,
remember?

I am a bitter man.

I'm bitter to have
a broken car in my driveway

mocking me
for the rest of my life.

Angry!

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
was accepting his fate,

Barry was ready
for his destiny.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Dude!
Where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

But I gave you
exactly what you wanted.

I...

I thought
I wanted it, but...

All it made me realize is,
I'm not ready for any of it.

**

ADULT ADAM:
After the Bitter had broken,

it left my dad
bitter and broken.

Can you believe
that woman?

"Treat yourself, Mur."

Who says that
to a husband? Who?

Dear Lord!
This is so infuriating,

it makes me wanna
punch a wall.

Aw, pal, I really
appreciate the support.

Wait, you think
I'm on your side? Aren't you?

No! You make me want
to punch a wall, not her!

You're my best friend.

You're supposed to blindly
agree with anything I say. No.

Beverly is a saint.

Last I heard,
my wife is somewhere in the Southwest.

That's not even a state.
That's just a region of the country.

I can't get her
on the phone.

There's not even
an area code.

I ate a banana for dinner
three times last week.

When I don't brush my teeth,
nobody cares.

We all got stuff.

Not you.

Your wife cooks for you,
she appreciates you,

she wants you to be happy.

My wife is a ghost
in the wind.

Sometimes I talk
to an old sock of hers when I feel lonely.

So, you're not gonna
side with me on this, are you?

Hell no!

And you're gonna
make this right for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home
and peel my dinner.

ADULT ADAM: It finally
dawned on my dad.

He had a wife who would do
anything to make him happy.

As for my brother,
when it came to marriage,

he didn't know what to feel.
(THE CARS' JUST WHAT I NEEDED PLAYING)

Got you some Cookie Puss,
buddy.

Forget it.

Party's over, dude.

Look.
(SIGHS)

* 'Cause when you're standing
oh so near

You may have hated
your adult party,

but that doesn't mean
you're not ready to be an adult.

Of course it does.

I mean, look at me.
I haven't grown up at all.

Well, I may be
the least mature human on the planet,

but the one thing I know

is that the way you love
and treat Lainey,

that's as grown-up
as it gets.

Thanks, Ad Rock.
Means a lot.

Just doing my job
as best man.

You're more
than my best man.

You're the best brother
a guy could ask for.

Come on!
We agreed no feelings or crying or hugging.

No, seriously.

You really did throw me
the bachelor party of my dreams.

Even if it was
a total nightmare.

Well,
it doesn't have to be.

Come on.
The bachelor party's over.

Didn't you learn anything
from Tom Hanks?

The party's over
when we say it is.

* I guess you're
just what I needed

ADULT ADAM:
So, at the end of the day,

Barry never got
the wild bachelor party he thought he wanted.

Instead, he got a night
he'd never forget.

'Cause the truth is,

just when you think you're
ready for the next level,

it's okay to just
be in the moment and have a little fun.

Sure, that might not
be right for everyone,

but for my brother,
it was just what he needed.

* I guess you're
just what I needed Just what I needed

Uh, I-I hope you don't mind.
I need to use the car.

Sorry. I gotta
make the returns.

You also,

didn't get to go
on a picnic.

Murray,
what are you doing?

I'm just trying to
make things right with us.

And Bill.
Uh, don't ask.

But why? You were right.
It was my fault.

I'm the one
who forced you into the car,

thinking it would
make you happy.

Look.

I don't need nice things
to be happy.

I've already got the nicest
thing in the world.

You.

Aw, Mur.

ADULT ADAM:
Yeah, my mom and dad may not have always seen eye-to-eye,

but what really mattered

was that they had
each other's backs.

That's the thing
about the people

we choose to spend
our life with.

In the end,
they're all we need to get by.

And, when it came to
that busted-down Bitter,

it really did sit
in our driveway forever.

But it didn't matter,

because every time
my dad saw it,

he was reminded
that he already had the greatest gift of all,

a person
to spend his life with.

( JUST WHAT I NEEDED CONTINUES)

**

**

Off-campus lunch
is a go, boys.

We've got 36 minutes

to make it
to Jim's Steaks and back.

Let's ride.

Wait. I thought your dad
sold his crappy old Tercel.

He bought it back
'cause his new sports car

was even crappier
than this crap box.

Uh, bro,
the door won't open.

That's 'cause it's been
permanently busted.

You just got to
Dukes of Hazzard it.

(GRUNTS)
ALL: Ooh!

Need more of a head start.

(ALL GROAN)

Took my eye off it.

(ALL GROAN)

Who moved the car?

BARRY: J... T... P!

ALL: JTP?

BARRY: General Lee!
ANDY: Okay.

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