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1
00:00:01,062 --> 00:00:03,451
Adam: Ah, The toys crazes of the 80's.
2
00:00:03,452 --> 00:00:05,320
G.I. Joe, Laser Tag,
Rubik's Cube,
3
00:00:05,321 --> 00:00:07,822
Transformers, Care Bears.
4
00:00:07,823 --> 00:00:10,592
But the mother of them all
were the Cabbage Patch Kids...
5
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,227
Chubby-cheeked
balls of cuteness
6
00:00:12,228 --> 00:00:13,929
you could adopt
as your very own.
7
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:18,433
And I got mine
in a most unusual way.
8
00:00:18,434 --> 00:00:19,834
In my hand,
9
00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:22,771
I hold your final exam
for health class...
10
00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:24,572
The reality of parenting.
11
00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:27,708
Wow. How many of these
do you own?
12
00:00:27,709 --> 00:00:29,009
You know,
I'm not married,
13
00:00:29,010 --> 00:00:31,378
and I'm severely allergic
to cat and dog dander,
14
00:00:31,413 --> 00:00:34,982
so I guess you could say
these are like my children.
15
00:00:34,983 --> 00:00:36,117
Ha!
16
00:00:36,118 --> 00:00:37,852
That's a joke.
I'm fine.
17
00:00:37,853 --> 00:00:39,120
Okay.
18
00:00:39,121 --> 00:00:41,522
So, for this assignment,
you are going to pair up
19
00:00:41,724 --> 00:00:43,458
and you're going to tend
to the child
20
00:00:43,458 --> 00:00:44,725
as if it's a real baby.
21
00:00:44,726 --> 00:00:46,927
And every 30 minutes,
you're gonna spin the wheel
22
00:00:46,928 --> 00:00:49,263
and do the assigned chore...
Feeding, burping, diapering.
23
00:00:49,264 --> 00:00:51,231
You get it... the things
that married couples do.
24
00:00:51,632 --> 00:00:53,133
Or... so I've seen
25
00:00:53,134 --> 00:00:55,368
from my three married
younger sisters.
26
00:00:56,771 --> 00:00:58,472
Okay, partner up.
27
00:00:58,473 --> 00:01:00,674
Dana Isabelle Caldwell,
28
00:01:01,075 --> 00:01:03,576
will you be
the mother of my cabbage?
29
00:01:03,577 --> 00:01:05,845
I don't know. I don't want this
to make things weird between us.
30
00:01:05,846 --> 00:01:07,881
Trust me... a baby
only makes things better.
31
00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:09,315
It's like
the old saying...
32
00:01:09,316 --> 00:01:11,651
"If your relationship sucks,
a baby will fix it."
33
00:01:11,652 --> 00:01:13,953
Okay, so, maybe
I was way off about that,
34
00:01:13,954 --> 00:01:15,789
but I did know
that this project
35
00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:19,292
was the perfect way
for me to get closer to Dana.
36
00:01:19,293 --> 00:01:20,927
Welcome to our tree home,
my dear.
37
00:01:20,928 --> 00:01:24,731
I've already put down the baby
and whipped us up some supper.
38
00:01:24,732 --> 00:01:27,100
Aww. Smurf ravioli...
My favorite.
39
00:01:27,101 --> 00:01:29,268
Well, only the best
for my girl Dana
40
00:01:29,269 --> 00:01:31,070
and our little angel,
Ripley.
41
00:01:31,071 --> 00:01:31,871
Ripley?
42
00:01:31,872 --> 00:01:33,239
It's a classic
girl's name.
43
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:34,874
Also happens to be
44
00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:37,476
sigourney Weaver's
badass character in "Aliens."
45
00:01:37,477 --> 00:01:39,745
How about one
that'll make us both happy?
46
00:01:40,146 --> 00:01:41,113
Leia.
47
00:01:41,114 --> 00:01:44,016
Leia Delorean Goldberg!
48
00:01:44,017 --> 00:01:45,384
I love it!
49
00:01:45,385 --> 00:01:48,420
Snuggle boo-boo!
Dinner's ready!
50
00:01:48,421 --> 00:01:49,721
What is all this?
51
00:01:49,722 --> 00:01:52,324
Health class. We got to care
for a pretend baby.
52
00:01:52,325 --> 00:01:55,427
Oh, I'm finally a grandma,
huh?
53
00:01:55,443 --> 00:01:56,495
[Laughs]
54
00:01:56,496 --> 00:01:58,931
Well, move over.
Isn't this fun?
55
00:01:58,932 --> 00:02:00,432
Come on.
Let me hold her.
56
00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:02,167
Actually, um,
we're not supposed to get
57
00:02:02,568 --> 00:02:04,302
any outside help
with Leia.
58
00:02:04,303 --> 00:02:06,304
"Leia"?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
59
00:02:06,305 --> 00:02:08,039
That's so boring and plain.
60
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,609
What about "Myrna,"
after your great-grandma?
61
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,014
Um, maybe.
62
00:02:16,015 --> 00:02:18,817
Yeah, I mean,
I-it was a name in progress...
63
00:02:18,818 --> 00:02:19,918
Was it?
64
00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:22,487
Everyone agrees.
Myrna it is.
65
00:02:22,488 --> 00:02:24,322
Okay,
I get how this works.
66
00:02:24,723 --> 00:02:26,357
We spin the thing
and do the thingy.
67
00:02:26,358 --> 00:02:28,226
[Gasps]
Baby's got poo-poos
68
00:02:28,227 --> 00:02:29,327
Let me change her.
69
00:02:29,328 --> 00:02:30,628
Actually, we're good.
Thanks.
70
00:02:30,629 --> 00:02:31,662
Oh.
71
00:02:32,464 --> 00:02:33,330
Oh.
72
00:02:35,401 --> 00:02:37,635
Oh.
73
00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:40,171
Well, uh, I'm gonna go
check in on your father.
74
00:02:40,572 --> 00:02:42,406
I'm sure
he still needs me.
75
00:02:42,407 --> 00:02:44,842
As usual, my smother had
jammed herself into my life
76
00:02:44,843 --> 00:02:46,711
and made it real awkward
real quick.
77
00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:49,480
I had to do some epic
damage control... and fast.
78
00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:52,649
How about a toast
to the world's greatest mom?
79
00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:55,218
Somebody call me?
80
00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:56,537
No?
81
00:02:57,155 --> 00:02:58,789
Okay.
82
00:02:58,790 --> 00:03:00,423
[Chuckles]
83
00:03:03,061 --> 00:03:04,895
I'm twisted up inside
84
00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:08,164
but nonetheless
I feel the need to say
85
00:03:08,165 --> 00:03:10,466
The Goldbergs - 02x15
Happy Mom, Happy Life
86
00:03:10,468 --> 00:03:12,136
I don't know the future
87
00:03:12,137 --> 00:03:15,606
but the past keeps getting
clearer every day
88
00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:17,508
It was March 10th,
1980-something,
89
00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:20,277
and Barry was chilling
with his best and only friends,
90
00:03:20,278 --> 00:03:23,480
the Jenkintown Posse...
Also known as the JTP.
91
00:03:23,481 --> 00:03:24,715
All right, batter up.
92
00:03:24,716 --> 00:03:28,018
I got, uh, an egg, a grapefruit,
and a light bulb.
93
00:03:28,019 --> 00:03:29,853
Grapefruit! Let's go, baby!
Come on! Game on.
94
00:03:29,854 --> 00:03:32,022
All: [Chanting]
Smash ball! Smash ball!
95
00:03:32,023 --> 00:03:32,989
Smash ball!
96
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:35,559
[All screaming]
97
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,594
Dude, the citrus
is burning my eyes!
98
00:03:37,595 --> 00:03:39,296
- I can't see!
- That's awesome!
99
00:03:39,297 --> 00:03:40,364
Barry Goldberg,
100
00:03:40,565 --> 00:03:43,100
king of smash ball
and king of the JTP!
101
00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:44,968
All: JTP!
102
00:03:44,969 --> 00:03:46,270
[All cheering]
103
00:03:46,271 --> 00:03:48,238
This was fun.
See ya.
104
00:03:48,239 --> 00:03:49,339
- Wai... what?
- What?
105
00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:50,474
You just got here,
man.
106
00:03:50,475 --> 00:03:52,276
You said tonight was
gonna be legendary.
107
00:03:52,277 --> 00:03:53,277
Sorry, guys.
108
00:03:53,278 --> 00:03:55,045
I made plans
with my special lady.
109
00:03:55,046 --> 00:03:56,180
What happened to you,
bro?
110
00:03:56,181 --> 00:03:57,848
Since that girl
came into your life,
111
00:03:57,849 --> 00:03:59,483
it's like
we don't even exist, man.
112
00:03:59,484 --> 00:04:01,718
Yeah, dude.
It's time you made a choice.
113
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,086
It's either us
114
00:04:03,087 --> 00:04:05,489
or the super-hot, popular girl
that you make out with.
115
00:04:05,490 --> 00:04:08,992
Her. 100% her.
116
00:04:08,993 --> 00:04:10,359
[Sighs]
117
00:04:13,298 --> 00:04:14,498
Lainey?! You're here?!
118
00:04:14,499 --> 00:04:16,833
I've been calling your house
for the last two hours!
119
00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:18,902
We have to get ready
for Anthony Balsamo's party.
120
00:04:18,903 --> 00:04:21,605
God, I'm so sorry, Erica.
I totally forgot.
121
00:04:21,606 --> 00:04:23,507
Me 'N' Bar decided
we were gonna stay in
122
00:04:23,508 --> 00:04:25,275
and have a romantic evening
together.
123
00:04:25,276 --> 00:04:27,277
I've been holding in a fart
this whole time.
124
00:04:27,278 --> 00:04:28,512
Aww.
125
00:04:28,513 --> 00:04:30,781
Well, I can't just go
to the party by myself.
126
00:04:30,782 --> 00:04:32,015
That's pathetic.
127
00:04:32,016 --> 00:04:34,184
It is pathetic.
Invite her to watch with us.
128
00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:36,753
I'd rather not.
I find she sucks.
129
00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:39,223
I can hear you.
And you suck.
130
00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:41,992
Lainey, next Friday
we're hanging out. No excuses.
131
00:04:41,993 --> 00:04:44,360
Oooh, my girl's gonna be busy
that night.
132
00:04:45,663 --> 00:04:47,364
Tickets
to the Heart concert?!
133
00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:50,634
No way! Lainey and I have been
talking about going for months!
134
00:04:50,635 --> 00:04:51,835
Which is how I knew
135
00:04:51,836 --> 00:04:53,971
it'd score me major points
to get us tickets.
136
00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:56,640
I can't believe
you pulled this off.
137
00:04:56,641 --> 00:04:57,674
You are the best!
138
00:04:57,675 --> 00:04:59,542
Oh, my God.
What is that smell?
139
00:05:01,613 --> 00:05:03,080
Hey, guys?
140
00:05:03,081 --> 00:05:05,015
Things have been
kind of weird with Dana.
141
00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:06,783
Thought I should
ask you about it.
142
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:07,851
Sure thing, kiddo.
143
00:05:07,852 --> 00:05:09,086
[TV shuts off]
Happy to help.
144
00:05:09,087 --> 00:05:10,887
And I, also, am here.
145
00:05:10,888 --> 00:05:13,857
Why is Dana super-pissed at me
for siding with mom over her
146
00:05:13,858 --> 00:05:15,559
when it comes to
raising kids?
147
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,929
You never side with your mother
over your lady, you moron.
148
00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,498
Pack up your toys
and move to another town.
149
00:05:21,699 --> 00:05:23,900
The life you've built here
is over.
150
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:25,735
But it's like
what mom always says...
151
00:05:25,736 --> 00:05:27,137
"Happy mom, happy life."
152
00:05:27,138 --> 00:05:30,607
No! The phrase is
"happy wife, happy life."
153
00:05:30,608 --> 00:05:32,008
It rhymes!
154
00:05:32,009 --> 00:05:34,945
I thought "happy mom,
happy life" was clunky!
155
00:05:34,946 --> 00:05:36,046
I'm such a putz!
156
00:05:36,047 --> 00:05:37,380
[Doorbell rings]
157
00:05:37,381 --> 00:05:39,716
Ohh, it's Dana.
What do I tell her?
158
00:05:39,717 --> 00:05:42,352
That she's calling the shots
in your relationship.
159
00:05:42,353 --> 00:05:44,955
You hear me?
Now, tell her, damn you!
160
00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:46,289
Hey.
161
00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:49,893
It's getting late, so we should
feed [Sighs] Myrna.
162
00:05:49,894 --> 00:05:51,495
Actually,
I've been thinking.
163
00:05:51,896 --> 00:05:53,897
Let's go with Leia...
The name you want.
164
00:05:53,898 --> 00:05:55,865
Really?
What about your mom?
165
00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:58,134
Hey, this is
your cabbage patch,
166
00:05:58,135 --> 00:06:00,236
and I completely
and fully support
167
00:06:00,237 --> 00:06:02,138
your decisions
on all matters.
168
00:06:02,139 --> 00:06:03,339
Thank you.
169
00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:05,975
I mean, I totally appreciate
your mom wanting to help,
170
00:06:05,976 --> 00:06:07,944
but she needs to know
it's our project.
171
00:06:07,945 --> 00:06:09,512
- Exactly.
- So you'll let her know?
172
00:06:09,913 --> 00:06:12,147
- Know what, now?
- You know, to stay out of it.
173
00:06:12,148 --> 00:06:13,349
Set some boundaries.
174
00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:14,683
Boundaries? Whoa.
175
00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:17,119
Uh, you know my mom.
That's a big ask.
176
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,888
I...Guess
I could talk to her.
177
00:06:18,889 --> 00:06:20,990
You know what? Yeah.
That's perfect.
178
00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:22,576
She's in the kitchen
right now.
179
00:06:23,927 --> 00:06:26,629
I not only took their advice,
I hit it out of the park.
180
00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:28,130
Are you nuts?
181
00:06:28,531 --> 00:06:30,899
You never let your mother
and your wife
182
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,201
hash things out
with each other.
183
00:06:33,202 --> 00:06:34,770
You got to be
the buffer.
184
00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:36,705
Otherwise,
it spirals into chaos.
185
00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:40,075
Okay, you guys need
to tell me this great advice
186
00:06:40,076 --> 00:06:41,877
before I fudge the bed!
187
00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:44,546
While I was running off
to save my relationship,
188
00:06:44,547 --> 00:06:47,649
the JTP was still mourning
the loss of Barry Goldberg.
189
00:06:47,650 --> 00:06:49,785
Dudes, it's Barry's
bananas hot sister.
190
00:06:49,786 --> 00:06:51,887
Okay, be cool.
Let the ladies' man handle this.
191
00:06:51,888 --> 00:06:53,088
[Clears throat]
192
00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:54,856
Hey!
193
00:06:56,591 --> 00:06:57,958
I'm panicking.
Someone take over.
194
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,227
Uh...
195
00:06:59,228 --> 00:07:00,762
Greetings, M'lady.
196
00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:03,565
Uh, what doth bring thou
to our domain?
197
00:07:03,566 --> 00:07:06,301
So, this is where you guys
hang out all the time, huh?
198
00:07:06,302 --> 00:07:07,969
What do you do here?
199
00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,304
Do you want to play
smash ball with us?
200
00:07:09,705 --> 00:07:10,905
I really don't.
201
00:07:10,906 --> 00:07:13,107
Together: [Chanting]
Smash ball. Smash ball.
202
00:07:13,108 --> 00:07:16,410
Smash ball! Smash ball!
Smash ball! Smash ball!
203
00:07:16,411 --> 00:07:18,146
Okay! Okay!
Stop saying "smash ball."
204
00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:19,781
Fine. I'll play
your weird game.
205
00:07:19,782 --> 00:07:21,115
[Laughs] Whoo!
206
00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:22,683
Okay. In there.
Not gonna touch you.
207
00:07:22,684 --> 00:07:23,751
It's over there.
Okay.
208
00:07:23,752 --> 00:07:24,952
- And then...
- Lettuce.
209
00:07:24,953 --> 00:07:25,953
Got it. All right.
210
00:07:25,954 --> 00:07:27,255
Um, okay.
211
00:07:27,256 --> 00:07:29,689
Let's go. Let's go.
212
00:07:30,425 --> 00:07:32,393
All: Ohhh!
[Laughter]
213
00:07:32,394 --> 00:07:33,795
And just like that,
214
00:07:33,796 --> 00:07:36,863
Erica swung her way
into the hearts of the JTP.
215
00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,234
Ohh!
Ohh!
216
00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:41,735
[All grunting]
217
00:07:41,736 --> 00:07:43,370
[Laughter]
218
00:07:43,371 --> 00:07:44,872
Big E!
219
00:07:44,873 --> 00:07:45,973
Yes!
220
00:07:45,974 --> 00:07:47,141
Whoo!
221
00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:49,610
So, you guys going
to Anthony Balsamo's party?
222
00:07:49,611 --> 00:07:50,744
Hell yeah!
Par-tay!
223
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,179
Balsamo!
224
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,747
So, you guys
don't know about it, then?
225
00:07:53,748 --> 00:07:55,316
- No, what's... where is that?
No, we don't.
226
00:07:55,317 --> 00:07:56,383
Balsamo.
227
00:07:56,384 --> 00:07:58,352
Well, I guess
you guys can tag along...
228
00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,987
If you don't act weird
229
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:02,322
and Naked Rob
doesn't get naked.
230
00:08:02,323 --> 00:08:05,257
Dat's cool.
I only get naked around dudes.
231
00:08:07,495 --> 00:08:11,031
After a surprisingly fun night
with Barry's friends,
232
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,232
my sister formulated a plan
233
00:08:12,233 --> 00:08:14,835
to reclaim her friend
from Barry.
234
00:08:14,836 --> 00:08:16,336
- Yo, Big E!
- Over here!
235
00:08:16,337 --> 00:08:17,504
Rob: Oh, dude,
she's coming over.
236
00:08:17,505 --> 00:08:19,006
What the hell
is she doing?
237
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,807
Looks like
she joined the JTP.
238
00:08:20,808 --> 00:08:21,975
JTP!
239
00:08:21,976 --> 00:08:22,976
JTP! JTP! JTP!
240
00:08:22,977 --> 00:08:25,345
No. No way!
241
00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:29,749
You can't say "JTP"
unless you're in the JTP.
242
00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,117
Which is why
she said it.
243
00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:32,586
And you're out, bro.
244
00:08:32,787 --> 00:08:34,220
We got a new leader...
245
00:08:34,221 --> 00:08:36,156
One who actually gets us
into cool parties.
246
00:08:36,157 --> 00:08:38,792
Wait... you took them
to Anthony Balsamo's party?
247
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:41,194
You were too busy running your
hands over Barry's Lumpy Melon.
248
00:08:41,195 --> 00:08:42,695
Nice burn, Big E.
249
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,364
You can't call her
"Big E."
250
00:08:44,365 --> 00:08:46,666
That's way too close
to "Big Tasteee."
251
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,927
It'll cause
marketplace confusion!
252
00:08:48,936 --> 00:08:52,338
I'm sorry, Bar, but it looks
like Big E's in charge now.
253
00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:54,007
JTP out.
254
00:08:54,008 --> 00:08:55,174
- JTP out! JTP out!
- JTP out!
255
00:08:55,175 --> 00:08:57,977
JTP out.
256
00:08:57,978 --> 00:08:59,512
Aw, sweetie.
257
00:08:59,513 --> 00:09:01,480
You're not allowed
to say that anymore.
258
00:09:04,763 --> 00:09:06,763
I thought
raising a fake baby with Dana
259
00:09:06,765 --> 00:09:09,198
would bring us together,
but it was only pushing apart.
260
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,534
Hey. You would not believe
the day I've had.
261
00:09:12,035 --> 00:09:13,569
Don't care.
Just take her.
262
00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:14,871
Whoa, whoa.
What's this?
263
00:09:15,172 --> 00:09:17,006
At least let me
walk through the door.
264
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,141
I've been here dealing
with the baby all by myself.
265
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,643
This assignment's
impossible.
266
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:21,610
Where were you?
267
00:09:21,611 --> 00:09:22,812
Out mowing lawns.
268
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,480
You know... my job.
269
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,483
Nice try. I called Mrs. Bales.
That ended two hours ago.
270
00:09:27,584 --> 00:09:28,617
I went to the Arcade
271
00:09:28,618 --> 00:09:30,219
to blow off steam
with some buddies.
272
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,254
And why are you
even checking up on me?
273
00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:33,622
I played one game
and left.
274
00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,157
One game? Please.
275
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,825
I smell pizza
on your breath.
276
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,261
It's not my fault.
I didn't even ask for this kid!
277
00:09:39,262 --> 00:09:39,995
[Gasps]
278
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,330
Okay.
279
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,966
This is super-weird.
280
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,435
Maybe we should just
take a break from all of this
281
00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,070
and... and go to a movie
or something.
282
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,538
Just us... no baby.
283
00:09:49,539 --> 00:09:51,039
We can get a sitter.
284
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,006
And so we did get a sitter...
285
00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:54,976
A man who had been
sitting on his ass
286
00:09:54,977 --> 00:09:57,211
for as long
as I could remember.
287
00:09:57,212 --> 00:09:58,880
Unfortunately,
my mom wasn't one
288
00:09:58,881 --> 00:10:01,382
to sit on the sidelines
of any situation.
289
00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:02,483
What's that?
290
00:10:02,484 --> 00:10:03,851
What's what?
291
00:10:03,852 --> 00:10:05,353
The little foot
sticking out.
292
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:06,387
Just Adam's baby.
293
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,289
I'm using it
for lumbar support.
294
00:10:08,590 --> 00:10:12,692
Did they entrust the baby
to you over me?
295
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:17,365
Over me?
296
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:18,665
Ow!
297
00:10:20,735 --> 00:10:21,936
Ow!
298
00:10:21,937 --> 00:10:24,104
You do know
none of this is real?
299
00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:25,072
Oh, it's real.
300
00:10:25,073 --> 00:10:26,173
Don't you get it?
301
00:10:26,174 --> 00:10:28,375
This is how
Adam is gonna treat me
302
00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:30,144
when I really am
a bubbie.
303
00:10:30,145 --> 00:10:33,814
I'm gonna prove to him
that I'm the best grandma ever.
304
00:10:33,815 --> 00:10:36,548
"Grandma," "gam-gam,"
"bubbie"...
305
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:38,184
Didn't matter what she went by.
306
00:10:38,185 --> 00:10:40,219
My mom was determined
to be the best.
307
00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:41,888
She changed the toy.
She fed it.
308
00:10:41,889 --> 00:10:43,890
She even took it to the park.
309
00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:46,192
Ohh!
Your baby's so cute.
310
00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:47,326
Aww.
And yours is...
311
00:10:48,472 --> 00:10:50,472
Oh, boy.
Thank you.
312
00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:53,766
Yep.
313
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,034
My mom was on her way
314
00:10:55,035 --> 00:10:57,804
to helping us get an "A"
on this assignment...
315
00:10:57,805 --> 00:11:00,439
Until a dog mistook the baby
for a chew toy.
316
00:11:02,743 --> 00:11:04,110
My baby.
317
00:11:04,311 --> 00:11:06,712
Somebody stole my baby!
318
00:11:06,713 --> 00:11:09,081
Well, not real baby...
Fake baby. It's a toy.
319
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:10,616
Somebody stole my toy!
320
00:11:10,617 --> 00:11:14,420
I'm gonna get attitude
from my son's pretend wife!
321
00:11:14,421 --> 00:11:16,522
Can someone call the police?
322
00:11:16,523 --> 00:11:17,790
Or toys "R" us?
323
00:11:17,791 --> 00:11:19,625
I don't [Bleep] know anymore!
324
00:11:19,726 --> 00:11:22,194
As my mom was realizing
she had to figure out
325
00:11:22,195 --> 00:11:24,063
how to replace
our little angel,
326
00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:27,166
Barry was learning
just how replaceable he was.
327
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:28,266
No way.
328
00:11:29,787 --> 00:11:31,254
"Brian's Song"?!
329
00:11:31,271 --> 00:11:33,272
That's our
secret guy-cry movie!
330
00:11:33,673 --> 00:11:35,607
Beat it, Bar.
This is just JTP.
331
00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:36,809
- JTP.
- JTP. JTP.
332
00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:37,709
Get over here.
333
00:11:37,710 --> 00:11:39,545
Get over here.
334
00:11:39,546 --> 00:11:42,915
You can't just use my friends
as pawns in your sick game.
335
00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:45,517
You can have your precious JTP
back anytime you want.
336
00:11:45,918 --> 00:11:47,486
Just stop hanging out
with Lainey.
337
00:11:47,487 --> 00:11:50,155
Your move.
338
00:11:50,156 --> 00:11:53,225
But, unfortunately for Erica,
the next move was not Barry's.
339
00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:54,626
Gah!
What are you...
340
00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:56,061
I came
for a root beer, too.
341
00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:58,163
It's crazy
how we had the same idea.
342
00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:00,764
It's like...
It's like fate, right?
343
00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:03,501
Here, let me...
344
00:12:03,502 --> 00:12:09,507
Till now,
I always got by on my own
345
00:12:09,508 --> 00:12:14,279
I never really cared
until I met you
346
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,246
What?
347
00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:16,381
[Music stops]
348
00:12:16,382 --> 00:12:18,283
We should probably
get back to the movie.
349
00:12:18,284 --> 00:12:20,485
Everyone's probably wondering
where we are.
350
00:12:20,986 --> 00:12:22,386
We've been gone
three minutes.
351
00:12:22,387 --> 00:12:24,154
It feels like forever.
352
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,227
[Sighs]
353
00:12:30,228 --> 00:12:33,197
Such a beautiful movie
about friendship and football
354
00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:34,832
and...
355
00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:36,067
I'll get you a...
356
00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:39,403
Till now,
I always got by...
357
00:12:39,404 --> 00:12:40,905
Wow.
358
00:12:40,906 --> 00:12:42,773
We both went for the...
359
00:12:43,074 --> 00:12:44,742
What are the odds?
360
00:12:44,743 --> 00:12:46,443
It's crazy, right?
361
00:12:46,444 --> 00:12:47,811
What's happening?
362
00:12:47,812 --> 00:12:49,513
You tell me.
363
00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:50,881
...Chills me to the bone
364
00:12:50,882 --> 00:12:53,783
[Music stops] I'm just
gonna go sit over here.
365
00:12:53,785 --> 00:12:55,986
Till now
366
00:12:55,988 --> 00:12:58,055
-
I always got by
- I'm sorry. Are... are you okay?
367
00:12:58,056 --> 00:12:59,556
On my own
368
00:12:59,557 --> 00:13:01,890
-
I never really cared
- For the first time in a long time,
369
00:13:01,892 --> 00:13:03,726
-
Until I met you
- I think I'm gonna be just fine.
370
00:13:06,163 --> 00:13:08,264
And now
it chills me to the...
371
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,967
[Music stops] Um, guys,
take a seat for me.
372
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:12,335
[Sighs]
373
00:13:12,636 --> 00:13:15,938
To be clear, we're all
just friends here, right?
374
00:13:15,939 --> 00:13:18,807
- Just friends. Amigos.
- I love you.
375
00:13:18,809 --> 00:13:20,777
Okay, I'm just gonna
leave my own house now.
376
00:13:20,778 --> 00:13:22,779
Across town,
my mom was desperate
377
00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:25,381
to save my grade
and her reputation as a bubbie,
378
00:13:25,582 --> 00:13:28,117
but cabbage patch kids
were in such high demand
379
00:13:28,118 --> 00:13:30,887
that her only chance was
to turn to the black market.
380
00:13:30,888 --> 00:13:32,421
Hey.
381
00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:33,890
You Rick?
382
00:13:33,891 --> 00:13:36,058
Shh!
No names, all right?
383
00:13:36,059 --> 00:13:37,593
Just be cool.
384
00:13:37,594 --> 00:13:38,561
What do you need?
385
00:13:38,662 --> 00:13:40,329
I got Glo Worm,
I got Voltron,
386
00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,365
I got Koosa,
I got my Little Pony.
387
00:13:42,366 --> 00:13:45,267
Oh. I also have the strongest
heroine in the world.
388
00:13:45,268 --> 00:13:46,602
What?!
389
00:13:46,603 --> 00:13:48,637
She-ra,
Princess of Power.
390
00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:50,706
There's no stronger heroine
out there.
391
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:52,341
I need
a cabbage patch kid.
392
00:13:52,342 --> 00:13:54,210
Female, red yarny hair,
blue eyes.
393
00:13:54,211 --> 00:13:55,878
You got
expensive taste, girl.
394
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:56,946
[Chuckles]
395
00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,448
CPKS are sold out
across the country.
396
00:13:59,449 --> 00:14:00,715
It's gonna cost ya.
397
00:14:01,685 --> 00:14:03,719
[Gasps] Yes.
That's what bubbie needs.
398
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:04,820
How much for that one?
399
00:14:04,821 --> 00:14:06,689
For a pretty lady
like you,
400
00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,493
I suppose I could let one go
for 3 large.
401
00:14:11,094 --> 00:14:13,795
$3,000?!
402
00:14:13,796 --> 00:14:15,764
Is that...
What "large" is?
403
00:14:16,265 --> 00:14:17,765
I meant $300.
404
00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:19,667
Well,
that's still ridiculous.
405
00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:20,802
As my mom was trying
406
00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:22,537
to negotiate
the best possible price,
407
00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:23,938
we were about to pay the price
408
00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:25,506
for not getting
a real babysitter.
409
00:14:25,507 --> 00:14:27,875
Hey, dad,
how'd it go?
410
00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:29,409
Really, really bad.
411
00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:31,779
Mom...
412
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:33,781
Shhh!
Baby's sleeping.
413
00:14:33,782 --> 00:14:36,317
Just kidding. Her eyes
are wide open all the time.
414
00:14:36,318 --> 00:14:38,586
But don't worry.
We had a great day.
415
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,054
And I did everything
the spinner said.
416
00:14:40,055 --> 00:14:42,857
I'd say I proved
I'm an excellent bubbie.
417
00:14:42,858 --> 00:14:44,959
Excellent how?
Adam, look at it.
418
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,028
Oh! Balls!
419
00:14:47,029 --> 00:14:49,706
- This is a fake.
- What did you do, mom?
420
00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:52,544
Okay, there are some
ugly accusations flying about,
421
00:14:52,546 --> 00:14:53,913
and if that's not Myrna,
422
00:14:53,915 --> 00:14:56,049
then I have failed
as a grandmother.
423
00:14:56,137 --> 00:14:58,105
Read the label.
424
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,308
"Lettuce crop child."
425
00:15:01,309 --> 00:15:03,810
[Chuckles]
That is unfortunate.
426
00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:05,012
You know what?
427
00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:07,147
You two should just
finish this project together.
428
00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:08,215
[Scoffs]
429
00:15:08,216 --> 00:15:11,451
Wait! don't go!
I can't be a single dad!
430
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,886
Oh,
you'll never be single
431
00:15:12,887 --> 00:15:14,587
as long as you have me,
schmoopie.
432
00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,524
[Heart's "Alone" plays]
433
00:15:17,524 --> 00:15:22,662
Till now,I always got by on my own
434
00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:25,599
Geoff,
what are you doing?!
435
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,167
It's from
"Say Anything..."
436
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:28,868
That's how
your dorky little brother
437
00:15:28,869 --> 00:15:30,570
got a hot girl
way out of his league.
438
00:15:30,571 --> 00:15:32,138
That's not even
the right song!
439
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,140
To be honest,
I never saw the movie.
440
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,676
Stop "Say Anything..." -Ing me
and go home.
441
00:15:36,677 --> 00:15:40,080
["Alone" plays on boombox] Erica
Goldberg, leader of the JTP,
442
00:15:40,281 --> 00:15:41,915
I proclaim my love...
443
00:15:41,916 --> 00:15:43,016
What the hell, Geoff?!
444
00:15:43,017 --> 00:15:44,951
Get lost, pal!
I called her first!
445
00:15:44,952 --> 00:15:48,021
Uh, no. No one called me.
I'm not callable.
446
00:15:48,022 --> 00:15:49,823
[Tejano music plays]
Erica Goldberg!
447
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,458
Listen to this sweet song
and know my heart is...
448
00:15:52,859 --> 00:15:54,493
Dude,
you took my boombox?
449
00:15:54,494 --> 00:15:56,195
Relax. I just needed it
for tonight.
450
00:15:56,196 --> 00:15:57,296
Yeah, well, so did I!
451
00:15:57,297 --> 00:15:58,898
I had to borrow
my uncle's cheap-ass radio,
452
00:15:58,899 --> 00:16:00,333
and it's stuck
on Tejano music.
453
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,535
Okay, both of you shut up,
because she's mine!
454
00:16:02,536 --> 00:16:03,769
Stop it!
455
00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:05,238
That's not true!
She's mine!
456
00:16:05,239 --> 00:16:06,339
That's not true!
457
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,673
No! Stop it!
458
00:16:07,674 --> 00:16:08,874
None of you will win me!
459
00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:10,076
You have to...
460
00:16:10,077 --> 00:16:12,478
Oh, my God! Naked Rob
is naked under that coat!
461
00:16:12,479 --> 00:16:16,148
I wanted you to be
the first girl to see me naked!
462
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,183
[Blinds close]
463
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,317
Barry: Well, well.
464
00:16:18,318 --> 00:16:20,820
Looks like the worm is
on the other foot.
465
00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:22,755
Help me!
Please make it stop!
466
00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:25,958
Messing with those poor goobers
to break us up is so not cool.
467
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:27,893
What was I
supposed to do?
468
00:16:27,894 --> 00:16:30,096
I get it.
You two make each other happy.
469
00:16:30,097 --> 00:16:31,330
But I didn't know
470
00:16:31,331 --> 00:16:34,500
that meant I'd lose you
and be left all alone.
471
00:16:34,501 --> 00:16:36,301
[Sighs]
472
00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,002
Seriously?
473
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:45,940
Does this look like
a cabbage patch kid to you?
474
00:16:45,941 --> 00:16:48,609
Okay, this is
a cabbage patch kid.
475
00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:49,777
Aww.
476
00:16:49,778 --> 00:16:52,447
This looks like
something in a horror movie
477
00:16:52,448 --> 00:16:55,550
where the doll comes alive
and terrorizes a lakeside town.
478
00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,418
Look,
it's not Dana's fault.
479
00:16:57,619 --> 00:16:59,754
Please don't fail her.
Fail me.
480
00:16:59,755 --> 00:17:01,556
No,
it's my fault.
481
00:17:01,557 --> 00:17:03,591
If you're gonna fail anyone,
fail me.
482
00:17:03,592 --> 00:17:07,061
I can't... fail you,
Mrs. Goldberg. You're an adult.
483
00:17:07,062 --> 00:17:08,829
Also, why are you here?
484
00:17:09,130 --> 00:17:10,764
Yeah, Adam.
Why is she here?
485
00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:13,200
I'm just trying to help,
like any good bubbie would.
486
00:17:13,201 --> 00:17:14,768
A good bubbie
doesn't lose her grandchild.
487
00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:16,937
I heard that.
Bubbies hear everything.
488
00:17:16,938 --> 00:17:19,006
Enough! Gah!
489
00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:20,641
Mom,
I know you mean well,
490
00:17:20,942 --> 00:17:24,044
but all you've done is
screw things up for me and Dana.
491
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:26,246
Look, I don't know
when I'll have a family,
492
00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:28,148
and I don't know
who it'll be with.
493
00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:31,785
I-I-it could be Dana.
It could be Molly Ringwald.
494
00:17:31,786 --> 00:17:34,654
All I know is
that when I do get married,
495
00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:37,457
you're gonna need
to butt out.
496
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:38,592
Okay, but I...
497
00:17:38,593 --> 00:17:41,627
No "buts"...
Except for yours butting out.
498
00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:46,700
Thanks for coming.
499
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,635
I'm sure you're all wondering
why I brought you here.
500
00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:50,804
You're gonna choose which one of
us you'll take as your lover.
501
00:17:50,805 --> 00:17:52,506
Ew! God, no!
502
00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,674
I'm doing
the complete opposite of that.
503
00:17:54,975 --> 00:17:57,077
I'm resigning
as leader of the JTP.
504
00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:57,944
JTP! JTP! JTP!
505
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,879
Did you even hear
what I said?
506
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,814
I'm out! No more JTP!
507
00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:02,849
JTP! JTP! JTP!
508
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:03,683
God!
509
00:18:03,684 --> 00:18:04,984
Allow me.
510
00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:06,386
Here's the deal,
fellas.
511
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,688
You're all
so insanely awesome
512
00:18:08,689 --> 00:18:11,257
that Erica loves you all
equally, okay?
513
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,325
For her
to choose one of you
514
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,694
would literally
break her brain in half,
515
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,130
sending her into a coma
forever.
516
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,899
- Oh. That makes sense.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
517
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,935
Her only real option
is to step down
518
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:26,739
so I can resume my role
as leader and God of the JTP.
519
00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:28,541
JTP. JTP. JTP. JTP.
520
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:29,975
Here.
521
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,311
Your Hearts tickets?
Seriously?
522
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,345
Think I'm gonna
hang with my boys that night.
523
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,014
I suggest
you hang with your girl.
524
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,018
- Want to?
- Yes!
525
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,086
[Chuckles]
526
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:44,690
But the secret
is still my own
527
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,458
It was one
of those major life lessons
528
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,694
Barry and Erica
had to learn the hard way.
529
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,228
Sometimes, you'll find
530
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,731
that special someone
who changes everything,
531
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,901
but having your best friends
there to cheer you on
532
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,270
is what the game is all about.
533
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,338
Till now
534
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:03,041
I always got by on my own
- Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
535
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,509
[Indistinct talking]
536
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,245
Miss Taraborelli:
Mr. Goldberg, a moment please.
537
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:08,980
- I've changed my mind on your grade.
- Really?
538
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,382
You know,
the point of the project
539
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,350
was to learn what it's like
to be a real parent.
540
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:14,652
Changing diapers...
Oh, that's easy.
541
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,288
Protecting your lady
from her nightmare in-laws?
542
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,524
Whew. That's an "A."
543
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:23,595
How do I get you alone?
544
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,095
Dana.
545
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,066
What's all this?
546
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:32,636
A thank-you
for standing up for me...
547
00:19:32,637 --> 00:19:34,705
And an apology
for how weird things got.
548
00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,607
It got quite weird.
549
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:38,008
But I give you my word...
550
00:19:38,009 --> 00:19:39,677
From now on,
I'm gonna make sure
551
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:42,546
my mom stays as far away
from us as possible.
552
00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:44,582
Actually,
your mom's not so bad.
553
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,850
She's the one
who invited me over
554
00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:48,919
and helped me
with all this.
555
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,287
In the end,
556
00:19:50,288 --> 00:19:52,856
my mom stopped worrying
about being the best bubbie
557
00:19:52,857 --> 00:19:56,293
and just focused
on being my awesome mom.
558
00:19:56,294 --> 00:19:57,861
[Sighs]
559
00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:59,596
Oh, God, Mur.
560
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:01,632
Butting out is so hard.
561
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:03,967
Yeah, but look at him.
He's having so much fun.
562
00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:05,436
Doesn't that
make you happy?
563
00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:07,504
I never really cared
until I met you
564
00:20:07,505 --> 00:20:09,339
Damn it, it does.
[Chuckles]
565
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:11,575
That's good for me.
566
00:20:11,576 --> 00:20:14,178
Happy wife, happy life.
567
00:20:14,179 --> 00:20:18,682
How do I get you alone?
568
00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:20,717
That's the thing
about being a parent...
569
00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:22,086
It's tough,
570
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:25,055
and it doesn't come with
a spinner and instructions.
571
00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:27,424
You learn as you go.
572
00:20:28,025 --> 00:20:30,827
But seeing the smile
on my face that night
573
00:20:30,828 --> 00:20:33,329
gave my mom a new saying...
574
00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:36,566
"Happy kids, happy life."
575
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:39,168
["Alone" fades]
576
00:20:42,729 --> 00:20:44,997
Ahh. Back for more?
577
00:20:45,498 --> 00:20:48,166
I came to return
this shoddy knock-off.
578
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:50,268
You bought a bootleg toy
out of a trunk.
579
00:20:50,269 --> 00:20:52,036
All sales are final.
580
00:20:52,037 --> 00:20:54,271
Well, at least
let me trade it for this.
581
00:20:55,341 --> 00:21:00,812
Till now,
I always got by on my own
582
00:21:00,813 --> 00:21:03,348
I never really cared
until I met you
583
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:07,752
Wow, it's crazy how two people
can reach into a trunk
584
00:21:07,753 --> 00:21:11,656
and their fingers
just... kind of meet, you know?
585
00:21:11,657 --> 00:21:13,658
[Music stops] I'm gonna
take this as a lesson
586
00:21:13,659 --> 00:21:15,927
never to buy toys
from a man's trunk
587
00:21:15,928 --> 00:21:17,195
behind a warehouse.
588
00:21:17,196 --> 00:21:18,363
[Thud]
589
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:21,498
I also sell a lifetime
of devotion and tenderness.
590
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:26,637
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
591
00:21:26,639 --> 00:21:29,239
[Ding!]
592
00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:33,839
Repair and Synchronization by
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