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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,062 --> 00:00:03,451 Adam: Ah, The toys crazes of the 80's. 2 00:00:03,452 --> 00:00:05,320 G.I. Joe, Laser Tag, Rubik's Cube, 3 00:00:05,321 --> 00:00:07,822 Transformers, Care Bears. 4 00:00:07,823 --> 00:00:10,592 But the mother of them all were the Cabbage Patch Kids... 5 00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,227 Chubby-cheeked balls of cuteness 6 00:00:12,228 --> 00:00:13,929 you could adopt as your very own. 7 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:18,433 And I got mine in a most unusual way. 8 00:00:18,434 --> 00:00:19,834 In my hand, 9 00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:22,771 I hold your final exam for health class... 10 00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:24,572 The reality of parenting. 11 00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:27,708 Wow. How many of these do you own? 12 00:00:27,709 --> 00:00:29,009 You know, I'm not married, 13 00:00:29,010 --> 00:00:31,378 and I'm severely allergic to cat and dog dander, 14 00:00:31,413 --> 00:00:34,982 so I guess you could say these are like my children. 15 00:00:34,983 --> 00:00:36,117 Ha! 16 00:00:36,118 --> 00:00:37,852 That's a joke. I'm fine. 17 00:00:37,853 --> 00:00:39,120 Okay. 18 00:00:39,121 --> 00:00:41,522 So, for this assignment, you are going to pair up 19 00:00:41,724 --> 00:00:43,458 and you're going to tend to the child 20 00:00:43,458 --> 00:00:44,725 as if it's a real baby. 21 00:00:44,726 --> 00:00:46,927 And every 30 minutes, you're gonna spin the wheel 22 00:00:46,928 --> 00:00:49,263 and do the assigned chore... Feeding, burping, diapering. 23 00:00:49,264 --> 00:00:51,231 You get it... the things that married couples do. 24 00:00:51,632 --> 00:00:53,133 Or... so I've seen 25 00:00:53,134 --> 00:00:55,368 from my three married younger sisters. 26 00:00:56,771 --> 00:00:58,472 Okay, partner up. 27 00:00:58,473 --> 00:01:00,674 Dana Isabelle Caldwell, 28 00:01:01,075 --> 00:01:03,576 will you be the mother of my cabbage? 29 00:01:03,577 --> 00:01:05,845 I don't know. I don't want this to make things weird between us. 30 00:01:05,846 --> 00:01:07,881 Trust me... a baby only makes things better. 31 00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:09,315 It's like the old saying... 32 00:01:09,316 --> 00:01:11,651 "If your relationship sucks, a baby will fix it." 33 00:01:11,652 --> 00:01:13,953 Okay, so, maybe I was way off about that, 34 00:01:13,954 --> 00:01:15,789 but I did know that this project 35 00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:19,292 was the perfect way for me to get closer to Dana. 36 00:01:19,293 --> 00:01:20,927 Welcome to our tree home, my dear. 37 00:01:20,928 --> 00:01:24,731 I've already put down the baby and whipped us up some supper. 38 00:01:24,732 --> 00:01:27,100 Aww. Smurf ravioli... My favorite. 39 00:01:27,101 --> 00:01:29,268 Well, only the best for my girl Dana 40 00:01:29,269 --> 00:01:31,070 and our little angel, Ripley. 41 00:01:31,071 --> 00:01:31,871 Ripley? 42 00:01:31,872 --> 00:01:33,239 It's a classic girl's name. 43 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:34,874 Also happens to be 44 00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:37,476 sigourney Weaver's badass character in "Aliens." 45 00:01:37,477 --> 00:01:39,745 How about one that'll make us both happy? 46 00:01:40,146 --> 00:01:41,113 Leia. 47 00:01:41,114 --> 00:01:44,016 Leia Delorean Goldberg! 48 00:01:44,017 --> 00:01:45,384 I love it! 49 00:01:45,385 --> 00:01:48,420 Snuggle boo-boo! Dinner's ready! 50 00:01:48,421 --> 00:01:49,721 What is all this? 51 00:01:49,722 --> 00:01:52,324 Health class. We got to care for a pretend baby. 52 00:01:52,325 --> 00:01:55,427 Oh, I'm finally a grandma, huh? 53 00:01:55,443 --> 00:01:56,495 [Laughs] 54 00:01:56,496 --> 00:01:58,931 Well, move over. Isn't this fun? 55 00:01:58,932 --> 00:02:00,432 Come on. Let me hold her. 56 00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:02,167 Actually, um, we're not supposed to get 57 00:02:02,568 --> 00:02:04,302 any outside help with Leia. 58 00:02:04,303 --> 00:02:06,304 "Leia"? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 59 00:02:06,305 --> 00:02:08,039 That's so boring and plain. 60 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,609 What about "Myrna," after your great-grandma? 61 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,014 Um, maybe. 62 00:02:16,015 --> 00:02:18,817 Yeah, I mean, I-it was a name in progress... 63 00:02:18,818 --> 00:02:19,918 Was it? 64 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:22,487 Everyone agrees. Myrna it is. 65 00:02:22,488 --> 00:02:24,322 Okay, I get how this works. 66 00:02:24,723 --> 00:02:26,357 We spin the thing and do the thingy. 67 00:02:26,358 --> 00:02:28,226 [Gasps] Baby's got poo-poos 68 00:02:28,227 --> 00:02:29,327 Let me change her. 69 00:02:29,328 --> 00:02:30,628 Actually, we're good. Thanks. 70 00:02:30,629 --> 00:02:31,662 Oh. 71 00:02:32,464 --> 00:02:33,330 Oh. 72 00:02:35,401 --> 00:02:37,635 Oh. 73 00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:40,171 Well, uh, I'm gonna go check in on your father. 74 00:02:40,572 --> 00:02:42,406 I'm sure he still needs me. 75 00:02:42,407 --> 00:02:44,842 As usual, my smother had jammed herself into my life 76 00:02:44,843 --> 00:02:46,711 and made it real awkward real quick. 77 00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:49,480 I had to do some epic damage control... and fast. 78 00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:52,649 How about a toast to the world's greatest mom? 79 00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:55,218 Somebody call me? 80 00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:56,537 No? 81 00:02:57,155 --> 00:02:58,789 Okay. 82 00:02:58,790 --> 00:03:00,423 [Chuckles] 83 00:03:03,061 --> 00:03:04,895 I'm twisted up inside 84 00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:08,164 but nonetheless I feel the need to say 85 00:03:08,165 --> 00:03:10,466 The Goldbergs - 02x15 Happy Mom, Happy Life 86 00:03:10,468 --> 00:03:12,136 I don't know the future 87 00:03:12,137 --> 00:03:15,606 but the past keeps getting clearer every day 88 00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:17,508 It was March 10th, 1980-something, 89 00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:20,277 and Barry was chilling with his best and only friends, 90 00:03:20,278 --> 00:03:23,480 the Jenkintown Posse... Also known as the JTP. 91 00:03:23,481 --> 00:03:24,715 All right, batter up. 92 00:03:24,716 --> 00:03:28,018 I got, uh, an egg, a grapefruit, and a light bulb. 93 00:03:28,019 --> 00:03:29,853 Grapefruit! Let's go, baby! Come on! Game on. 94 00:03:29,854 --> 00:03:32,022 All: [Chanting] Smash ball! Smash ball! 95 00:03:32,023 --> 00:03:32,989 Smash ball! 96 00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:35,559 [All screaming] 97 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,594 Dude, the citrus is burning my eyes! 98 00:03:37,595 --> 00:03:39,296 - I can't see! - That's awesome! 99 00:03:39,297 --> 00:03:40,364 Barry Goldberg, 100 00:03:40,565 --> 00:03:43,100 king of smash ball and king of the JTP! 101 00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:44,968 All: JTP! 102 00:03:44,969 --> 00:03:46,270 [All cheering] 103 00:03:46,271 --> 00:03:48,238 This was fun. See ya. 104 00:03:48,239 --> 00:03:49,339 - Wai... what? - What? 105 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:50,474 You just got here, man. 106 00:03:50,475 --> 00:03:52,276 You said tonight was gonna be legendary. 107 00:03:52,277 --> 00:03:53,277 Sorry, guys. 108 00:03:53,278 --> 00:03:55,045 I made plans with my special lady. 109 00:03:55,046 --> 00:03:56,180 What happened to you, bro? 110 00:03:56,181 --> 00:03:57,848 Since that girl came into your life, 111 00:03:57,849 --> 00:03:59,483 it's like we don't even exist, man. 112 00:03:59,484 --> 00:04:01,718 Yeah, dude. It's time you made a choice. 113 00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,086 It's either us 114 00:04:03,087 --> 00:04:05,489 or the super-hot, popular girl that you make out with. 115 00:04:05,490 --> 00:04:08,992 Her. 100% her. 116 00:04:08,993 --> 00:04:10,359 [Sighs] 117 00:04:13,298 --> 00:04:14,498 Lainey?! You're here?! 118 00:04:14,499 --> 00:04:16,833 I've been calling your house for the last two hours! 119 00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:18,902 We have to get ready for Anthony Balsamo's party. 120 00:04:18,903 --> 00:04:21,605 God, I'm so sorry, Erica. I totally forgot. 121 00:04:21,606 --> 00:04:23,507 Me 'N' Bar decided we were gonna stay in 122 00:04:23,508 --> 00:04:25,275 and have a romantic evening together. 123 00:04:25,276 --> 00:04:27,277 I've been holding in a fart this whole time. 124 00:04:27,278 --> 00:04:28,512 Aww. 125 00:04:28,513 --> 00:04:30,781 Well, I can't just go to the party by myself. 126 00:04:30,782 --> 00:04:32,015 That's pathetic. 127 00:04:32,016 --> 00:04:34,184 It is pathetic. Invite her to watch with us. 128 00:04:34,185 --> 00:04:36,753 I'd rather not. I find she sucks. 129 00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:39,223 I can hear you. And you suck. 130 00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:41,992 Lainey, next Friday we're hanging out. No excuses. 131 00:04:41,993 --> 00:04:44,360 Oooh, my girl's gonna be busy that night. 132 00:04:45,663 --> 00:04:47,364 Tickets to the Heart concert?! 133 00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:50,634 No way! Lainey and I have been talking about going for months! 134 00:04:50,635 --> 00:04:51,835 Which is how I knew 135 00:04:51,836 --> 00:04:53,971 it'd score me major points to get us tickets. 136 00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:56,640 I can't believe you pulled this off. 137 00:04:56,641 --> 00:04:57,674 You are the best! 138 00:04:57,675 --> 00:04:59,542 Oh, my God. What is that smell? 139 00:05:01,613 --> 00:05:03,080 Hey, guys? 140 00:05:03,081 --> 00:05:05,015 Things have been kind of weird with Dana. 141 00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:06,783 Thought I should ask you about it. 142 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:07,851 Sure thing, kiddo. 143 00:05:07,852 --> 00:05:09,086 [TV shuts off] Happy to help. 144 00:05:09,087 --> 00:05:10,887 And I, also, am here. 145 00:05:10,888 --> 00:05:13,857 Why is Dana super-pissed at me for siding with mom over her 146 00:05:13,858 --> 00:05:15,559 when it comes to raising kids? 147 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,929 You never side with your mother over your lady, you moron. 148 00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,498 Pack up your toys and move to another town. 149 00:05:21,699 --> 00:05:23,900 The life you've built here is over. 150 00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:25,735 But it's like what mom always says... 151 00:05:25,736 --> 00:05:27,137 "Happy mom, happy life." 152 00:05:27,138 --> 00:05:30,607 No! The phrase is "happy wife, happy life." 153 00:05:30,608 --> 00:05:32,008 It rhymes! 154 00:05:32,009 --> 00:05:34,945 I thought "happy mom, happy life" was clunky! 155 00:05:34,946 --> 00:05:36,046 I'm such a putz! 156 00:05:36,047 --> 00:05:37,380 [Doorbell rings] 157 00:05:37,381 --> 00:05:39,716 Ohh, it's Dana. What do I tell her? 158 00:05:39,717 --> 00:05:42,352 That she's calling the shots in your relationship. 159 00:05:42,353 --> 00:05:44,955 You hear me? Now, tell her, damn you! 160 00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:46,289 Hey. 161 00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:49,893 It's getting late, so we should feed [Sighs] Myrna. 162 00:05:49,894 --> 00:05:51,495 Actually, I've been thinking. 163 00:05:51,896 --> 00:05:53,897 Let's go with Leia... The name you want. 164 00:05:53,898 --> 00:05:55,865 Really? What about your mom? 165 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:58,134 Hey, this is your cabbage patch, 166 00:05:58,135 --> 00:06:00,236 and I completely and fully support 167 00:06:00,237 --> 00:06:02,138 your decisions on all matters. 168 00:06:02,139 --> 00:06:03,339 Thank you. 169 00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:05,975 I mean, I totally appreciate your mom wanting to help, 170 00:06:05,976 --> 00:06:07,944 but she needs to know it's our project. 171 00:06:07,945 --> 00:06:09,512 - Exactly. - So you'll let her know? 172 00:06:09,913 --> 00:06:12,147 - Know what, now? - You know, to stay out of it. 173 00:06:12,148 --> 00:06:13,349 Set some boundaries. 174 00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:14,683 Boundaries? Whoa. 175 00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:17,119 Uh, you know my mom. That's a big ask. 176 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,888 I...Guess I could talk to her. 177 00:06:18,889 --> 00:06:20,990 You know what? Yeah. That's perfect. 178 00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:22,576 She's in the kitchen right now. 179 00:06:23,927 --> 00:06:26,629 I not only took their advice, I hit it out of the park. 180 00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:28,130 Are you nuts? 181 00:06:28,531 --> 00:06:30,899 You never let your mother and your wife 182 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,201 hash things out with each other. 183 00:06:33,202 --> 00:06:34,770 You got to be the buffer. 184 00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:36,705 Otherwise, it spirals into chaos. 185 00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:40,075 Okay, you guys need to tell me this great advice 186 00:06:40,076 --> 00:06:41,877 before I fudge the bed! 187 00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:44,546 While I was running off to save my relationship, 188 00:06:44,547 --> 00:06:47,649 the JTP was still mourning the loss of Barry Goldberg. 189 00:06:47,650 --> 00:06:49,785 Dudes, it's Barry's bananas hot sister. 190 00:06:49,786 --> 00:06:51,887 Okay, be cool. Let the ladies' man handle this. 191 00:06:51,888 --> 00:06:53,088 [Clears throat] 192 00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:54,856 Hey! 193 00:06:56,591 --> 00:06:57,958 I'm panicking. Someone take over. 194 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,227 Uh... 195 00:06:59,228 --> 00:07:00,762 Greetings, M'lady. 196 00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:03,565 Uh, what doth bring thou to our domain? 197 00:07:03,566 --> 00:07:06,301 So, this is where you guys hang out all the time, huh? 198 00:07:06,302 --> 00:07:07,969 What do you do here? 199 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,304 Do you want to play smash ball with us? 200 00:07:09,705 --> 00:07:10,905 I really don't. 201 00:07:10,906 --> 00:07:13,107 Together: [Chanting] Smash ball. Smash ball. 202 00:07:13,108 --> 00:07:16,410 Smash ball! Smash ball! Smash ball! Smash ball! 203 00:07:16,411 --> 00:07:18,146 Okay! Okay! Stop saying "smash ball." 204 00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:19,781 Fine. I'll play your weird game. 205 00:07:19,782 --> 00:07:21,115 [Laughs] Whoo! 206 00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:22,683 Okay. In there. Not gonna touch you. 207 00:07:22,684 --> 00:07:23,751 It's over there. Okay. 208 00:07:23,752 --> 00:07:24,952 - And then... - Lettuce. 209 00:07:24,953 --> 00:07:25,953 Got it. All right. 210 00:07:25,954 --> 00:07:27,255 Um, okay. 211 00:07:27,256 --> 00:07:29,689 Let's go. Let's go. 212 00:07:30,425 --> 00:07:32,393 All: Ohhh! [Laughter] 213 00:07:32,394 --> 00:07:33,795 And just like that, 214 00:07:33,796 --> 00:07:36,863 Erica swung her way into the hearts of the JTP. 215 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,234 Ohh! Ohh! 216 00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:41,735 [All grunting] 217 00:07:41,736 --> 00:07:43,370 [Laughter] 218 00:07:43,371 --> 00:07:44,872 Big E! 219 00:07:44,873 --> 00:07:45,973 Yes! 220 00:07:45,974 --> 00:07:47,141 Whoo! 221 00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:49,610 So, you guys going to Anthony Balsamo's party? 222 00:07:49,611 --> 00:07:50,744 Hell yeah! Par-tay! 223 00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,179 Balsamo! 224 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,747 So, you guys don't know about it, then? 225 00:07:53,748 --> 00:07:55,316 - No, what's... where is that? No, we don't. 226 00:07:55,317 --> 00:07:56,383 Balsamo. 227 00:07:56,384 --> 00:07:58,352 Well, I guess you guys can tag along... 228 00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,987 If you don't act weird 229 00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:02,322 and Naked Rob doesn't get naked. 230 00:08:02,323 --> 00:08:05,257 Dat's cool. I only get naked around dudes. 231 00:08:07,495 --> 00:08:11,031 After a surprisingly fun night with Barry's friends, 232 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,232 my sister formulated a plan 233 00:08:12,233 --> 00:08:14,835 to reclaim her friend from Barry. 234 00:08:14,836 --> 00:08:16,336 - Yo, Big E! - Over here! 235 00:08:16,337 --> 00:08:17,504 Rob: Oh, dude, she's coming over. 236 00:08:17,505 --> 00:08:19,006 What the hell is she doing? 237 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,807 Looks like she joined the JTP. 238 00:08:20,808 --> 00:08:21,975 JTP! 239 00:08:21,976 --> 00:08:22,976 JTP! JTP! JTP! 240 00:08:22,977 --> 00:08:25,345 No. No way! 241 00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:29,749 You can't say "JTP" unless you're in the JTP. 242 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,117 Which is why she said it. 243 00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:32,586 And you're out, bro. 244 00:08:32,787 --> 00:08:34,220 We got a new leader... 245 00:08:34,221 --> 00:08:36,156 One who actually gets us into cool parties. 246 00:08:36,157 --> 00:08:38,792 Wait... you took them to Anthony Balsamo's party? 247 00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:41,194 You were too busy running your hands over Barry's Lumpy Melon. 248 00:08:41,195 --> 00:08:42,695 Nice burn, Big E. 249 00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,364 You can't call her "Big E." 250 00:08:44,365 --> 00:08:46,666 That's way too close to "Big Tasteee." 251 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,927 It'll cause marketplace confusion! 252 00:08:48,936 --> 00:08:52,338 I'm sorry, Bar, but it looks like Big E's in charge now. 253 00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:54,007 JTP out. 254 00:08:54,008 --> 00:08:55,174 - JTP out! JTP out! - JTP out! 255 00:08:55,175 --> 00:08:57,977 JTP out. 256 00:08:57,978 --> 00:08:59,512 Aw, sweetie. 257 00:08:59,513 --> 00:09:01,480 You're not allowed to say that anymore. 258 00:09:04,763 --> 00:09:06,763 I thought raising a fake baby with Dana 259 00:09:06,765 --> 00:09:09,198 would bring us together, but it was only pushing apart. 260 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,534 Hey. You would not believe the day I've had. 261 00:09:12,035 --> 00:09:13,569 Don't care. Just take her. 262 00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:14,871 Whoa, whoa. What's this? 263 00:09:15,172 --> 00:09:17,006 At least let me walk through the door. 264 00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,141 I've been here dealing with the baby all by myself. 265 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,643 This assignment's impossible. 266 00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:21,610 Where were you? 267 00:09:21,611 --> 00:09:22,812 Out mowing lawns. 268 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,480 You know... my job. 269 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,483 Nice try. I called Mrs. Bales. That ended two hours ago. 270 00:09:27,584 --> 00:09:28,617 I went to the Arcade 271 00:09:28,618 --> 00:09:30,219 to blow off steam with some buddies. 272 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,254 And why are you even checking up on me? 273 00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:33,622 I played one game and left. 274 00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,157 One game? Please. 275 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,825 I smell pizza on your breath. 276 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,261 It's not my fault. I didn't even ask for this kid! 277 00:09:39,262 --> 00:09:39,995 [Gasps] 278 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,330 Okay. 279 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,966 This is super-weird. 280 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,435 Maybe we should just take a break from all of this 281 00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,070 and... and go to a movie or something. 282 00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,538 Just us... no baby. 283 00:09:49,539 --> 00:09:51,039 We can get a sitter. 284 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,006 And so we did get a sitter... 285 00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:54,976 A man who had been sitting on his ass 286 00:09:54,977 --> 00:09:57,211 for as long as I could remember. 287 00:09:57,212 --> 00:09:58,880 Unfortunately, my mom wasn't one 288 00:09:58,881 --> 00:10:01,382 to sit on the sidelines of any situation. 289 00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:02,483 What's that? 290 00:10:02,484 --> 00:10:03,851 What's what? 291 00:10:03,852 --> 00:10:05,353 The little foot sticking out. 292 00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:06,387 Just Adam's baby. 293 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,289 I'm using it for lumbar support. 294 00:10:08,590 --> 00:10:12,692 Did they entrust the baby to you over me? 295 00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:17,365 Over me? 296 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:18,665 Ow! 297 00:10:20,735 --> 00:10:21,936 Ow! 298 00:10:21,937 --> 00:10:24,104 You do know none of this is real? 299 00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:25,072 Oh, it's real. 300 00:10:25,073 --> 00:10:26,173 Don't you get it? 301 00:10:26,174 --> 00:10:28,375 This is how Adam is gonna treat me 302 00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:30,144 when I really am a bubbie. 303 00:10:30,145 --> 00:10:33,814 I'm gonna prove to him that I'm the best grandma ever. 304 00:10:33,815 --> 00:10:36,548 "Grandma," "gam-gam," "bubbie"... 305 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:38,184 Didn't matter what she went by. 306 00:10:38,185 --> 00:10:40,219 My mom was determined to be the best. 307 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:41,888 She changed the toy. She fed it. 308 00:10:41,889 --> 00:10:43,890 She even took it to the park. 309 00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:46,192 Ohh! Your baby's so cute. 310 00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:47,326 Aww. And yours is... 311 00:10:48,472 --> 00:10:50,472 Oh, boy. Thank you. 312 00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:53,766 Yep. 313 00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,034 My mom was on her way 314 00:10:55,035 --> 00:10:57,804 to helping us get an "A" on this assignment... 315 00:10:57,805 --> 00:11:00,439 Until a dog mistook the baby for a chew toy. 316 00:11:02,743 --> 00:11:04,110 My baby. 317 00:11:04,311 --> 00:11:06,712 Somebody stole my baby! 318 00:11:06,713 --> 00:11:09,081 Well, not real baby... Fake baby. It's a toy. 319 00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:10,616 Somebody stole my toy! 320 00:11:10,617 --> 00:11:14,420 I'm gonna get attitude from my son's pretend wife! 321 00:11:14,421 --> 00:11:16,522 Can someone call the police? 322 00:11:16,523 --> 00:11:17,790 Or toys "R" us? 323 00:11:17,791 --> 00:11:19,625 I don't [Bleep] know anymore! 324 00:11:19,726 --> 00:11:22,194 As my mom was realizing she had to figure out 325 00:11:22,195 --> 00:11:24,063 how to replace our little angel, 326 00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:27,166 Barry was learning just how replaceable he was. 327 00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:28,266 No way. 328 00:11:29,787 --> 00:11:31,254 "Brian's Song"?! 329 00:11:31,271 --> 00:11:33,272 That's our secret guy-cry movie! 330 00:11:33,673 --> 00:11:35,607 Beat it, Bar. This is just JTP. 331 00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:36,809 - JTP. - JTP. JTP. 332 00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:37,709 Get over here. 333 00:11:37,710 --> 00:11:39,545 Get over here. 334 00:11:39,546 --> 00:11:42,915 You can't just use my friends as pawns in your sick game. 335 00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:45,517 You can have your precious JTP back anytime you want. 336 00:11:45,918 --> 00:11:47,486 Just stop hanging out with Lainey. 337 00:11:47,487 --> 00:11:50,155 Your move. 338 00:11:50,156 --> 00:11:53,225 But, unfortunately for Erica, the next move was not Barry's. 339 00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:54,626 Gah! What are you... 340 00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:56,061 I came for a root beer, too. 341 00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:58,163 It's crazy how we had the same idea. 342 00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:00,764 It's like... It's like fate, right? 343 00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:03,501 Here, let me... 344 00:12:03,502 --> 00:12:09,507 Till now, I always got by on my own 345 00:12:09,508 --> 00:12:14,279 I never really cared until I met you 346 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,246 What? 347 00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:16,381 [Music stops] 348 00:12:16,382 --> 00:12:18,283 We should probably get back to the movie. 349 00:12:18,284 --> 00:12:20,485 Everyone's probably wondering where we are. 350 00:12:20,986 --> 00:12:22,386 We've been gone three minutes. 351 00:12:22,387 --> 00:12:24,154 It feels like forever. 352 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,227 [Sighs] 353 00:12:30,228 --> 00:12:33,197 Such a beautiful movie about friendship and football 354 00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:34,832 and... 355 00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:36,067 I'll get you a... 356 00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:39,403 Till now, I always got by... 357 00:12:39,404 --> 00:12:40,905 Wow. 358 00:12:40,906 --> 00:12:42,773 We both went for the... 359 00:12:43,074 --> 00:12:44,742 What are the odds? 360 00:12:44,743 --> 00:12:46,443 It's crazy, right? 361 00:12:46,444 --> 00:12:47,811 What's happening? 362 00:12:47,812 --> 00:12:49,513 You tell me. 363 00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:50,881 ...Chills me to the bone 364 00:12:50,882 --> 00:12:53,783 [Music stops] I'm just gonna go sit over here. 365 00:12:53,785 --> 00:12:55,986 Till now 366 00:12:55,988 --> 00:12:58,055 - I always got by - I'm sorry. Are... are you okay? 367 00:12:58,056 --> 00:12:59,556 On my own 368 00:12:59,557 --> 00:13:01,890 - I never really cared - For the first time in a long time, 369 00:13:01,892 --> 00:13:03,726 - Until I met you - I think I'm gonna be just fine. 370 00:13:06,163 --> 00:13:08,264 And now it chills me to the... 371 00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,967 [Music stops] Um, guys, take a seat for me. 372 00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:12,335 [Sighs] 373 00:13:12,636 --> 00:13:15,938 To be clear, we're all just friends here, right? 374 00:13:15,939 --> 00:13:18,807 - Just friends. Amigos. - I love you. 375 00:13:18,809 --> 00:13:20,777 Okay, I'm just gonna leave my own house now. 376 00:13:20,778 --> 00:13:22,779 Across town, my mom was desperate 377 00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:25,381 to save my grade and her reputation as a bubbie, 378 00:13:25,582 --> 00:13:28,117 but cabbage patch kids were in such high demand 379 00:13:28,118 --> 00:13:30,887 that her only chance was to turn to the black market. 380 00:13:30,888 --> 00:13:32,421 Hey. 381 00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:33,890 You Rick? 382 00:13:33,891 --> 00:13:36,058 Shh! No names, all right? 383 00:13:36,059 --> 00:13:37,593 Just be cool. 384 00:13:37,594 --> 00:13:38,561 What do you need? 385 00:13:38,662 --> 00:13:40,329 I got Glo Worm, I got Voltron, 386 00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,365 I got Koosa, I got my Little Pony. 387 00:13:42,366 --> 00:13:45,267 Oh. I also have the strongest heroine in the world. 388 00:13:45,268 --> 00:13:46,602 What?! 389 00:13:46,603 --> 00:13:48,637 She-ra, Princess of Power. 390 00:13:48,638 --> 00:13:50,706 There's no stronger heroine out there. 391 00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:52,341 I need a cabbage patch kid. 392 00:13:52,342 --> 00:13:54,210 Female, red yarny hair, blue eyes. 393 00:13:54,211 --> 00:13:55,878 You got expensive taste, girl. 394 00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:56,946 [Chuckles] 395 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,448 CPKS are sold out across the country. 396 00:13:59,449 --> 00:14:00,715 It's gonna cost ya. 397 00:14:01,685 --> 00:14:03,719 [Gasps] Yes. That's what bubbie needs. 398 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:04,820 How much for that one? 399 00:14:04,821 --> 00:14:06,689 For a pretty lady like you, 400 00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,493 I suppose I could let one go for 3 large. 401 00:14:11,094 --> 00:14:13,795 $3,000?! 402 00:14:13,796 --> 00:14:15,764 Is that... What "large" is? 403 00:14:16,265 --> 00:14:17,765 I meant $300. 404 00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:19,667 Well, that's still ridiculous. 405 00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:20,802 As my mom was trying 406 00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:22,537 to negotiate the best possible price, 407 00:14:22,538 --> 00:14:23,938 we were about to pay the price 408 00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:25,506 for not getting a real babysitter. 409 00:14:25,507 --> 00:14:27,875 Hey, dad, how'd it go? 410 00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:29,409 Really, really bad. 411 00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:31,779 Mom... 412 00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:33,781 Shhh! Baby's sleeping. 413 00:14:33,782 --> 00:14:36,317 Just kidding. Her eyes are wide open all the time. 414 00:14:36,318 --> 00:14:38,586 But don't worry. We had a great day. 415 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,054 And I did everything the spinner said. 416 00:14:40,055 --> 00:14:42,857 I'd say I proved I'm an excellent bubbie. 417 00:14:42,858 --> 00:14:44,959 Excellent how? Adam, look at it. 418 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,028 Oh! Balls! 419 00:14:47,029 --> 00:14:49,706 - This is a fake. - What did you do, mom? 420 00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:52,544 Okay, there are some ugly accusations flying about, 421 00:14:52,546 --> 00:14:53,913 and if that's not Myrna, 422 00:14:53,915 --> 00:14:56,049 then I have failed as a grandmother. 423 00:14:56,137 --> 00:14:58,105 Read the label. 424 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,308 "Lettuce crop child." 425 00:15:01,309 --> 00:15:03,810 [Chuckles] That is unfortunate. 426 00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:05,012 You know what? 427 00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:07,147 You two should just finish this project together. 428 00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:08,215 [Scoffs] 429 00:15:08,216 --> 00:15:11,451 Wait! don't go! I can't be a single dad! 430 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,886 Oh, you'll never be single 431 00:15:12,887 --> 00:15:14,587 as long as you have me, schmoopie. 432 00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,524 [Heart's "Alone" plays] 433 00:15:17,524 --> 00:15:22,662 Till now, I always got by on my own 434 00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:25,599 Geoff, what are you doing?! 435 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,167 It's from "Say Anything..." 436 00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:28,868 That's how your dorky little brother 437 00:15:28,869 --> 00:15:30,570 got a hot girl way out of his league. 438 00:15:30,571 --> 00:15:32,138 That's not even the right song! 439 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,140 To be honest, I never saw the movie. 440 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,676 Stop "Say Anything..." -Ing me and go home. 441 00:15:36,677 --> 00:15:40,080 ["Alone" plays on boombox] Erica Goldberg, leader of the JTP, 442 00:15:40,281 --> 00:15:41,915 I proclaim my love... 443 00:15:41,916 --> 00:15:43,016 What the hell, Geoff?! 444 00:15:43,017 --> 00:15:44,951 Get lost, pal! I called her first! 445 00:15:44,952 --> 00:15:48,021 Uh, no. No one called me. I'm not callable. 446 00:15:48,022 --> 00:15:49,823 [Tejano music plays] Erica Goldberg! 447 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,458 Listen to this sweet song and know my heart is... 448 00:15:52,859 --> 00:15:54,493 Dude, you took my boombox? 449 00:15:54,494 --> 00:15:56,195 Relax. I just needed it for tonight. 450 00:15:56,196 --> 00:15:57,296 Yeah, well, so did I! 451 00:15:57,297 --> 00:15:58,898 I had to borrow my uncle's cheap-ass radio, 452 00:15:58,899 --> 00:16:00,333 and it's stuck on Tejano music. 453 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,535 Okay, both of you shut up, because she's mine! 454 00:16:02,536 --> 00:16:03,769 Stop it! 455 00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:05,238 That's not true! She's mine! 456 00:16:05,239 --> 00:16:06,339 That's not true! 457 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,673 No! Stop it! 458 00:16:07,674 --> 00:16:08,874 None of you will win me! 459 00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:10,076 You have to... 460 00:16:10,077 --> 00:16:12,478 Oh, my God! Naked Rob is naked under that coat! 461 00:16:12,479 --> 00:16:16,148 I wanted you to be the first girl to see me naked! 462 00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,183 [Blinds close] 463 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,317 Barry: Well, well. 464 00:16:18,318 --> 00:16:20,820 Looks like the worm is on the other foot. 465 00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:22,755 Help me! Please make it stop! 466 00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:25,958 Messing with those poor goobers to break us up is so not cool. 467 00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:27,893 What was I supposed to do? 468 00:16:27,894 --> 00:16:30,096 I get it. You two make each other happy. 469 00:16:30,097 --> 00:16:31,330 But I didn't know 470 00:16:31,331 --> 00:16:34,500 that meant I'd lose you and be left all alone. 471 00:16:34,501 --> 00:16:36,301 [Sighs] 472 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,002 Seriously? 473 00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:45,940 Does this look like a cabbage patch kid to you? 474 00:16:45,941 --> 00:16:48,609 Okay, this is a cabbage patch kid. 475 00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:49,777 Aww. 476 00:16:49,778 --> 00:16:52,447 This looks like something in a horror movie 477 00:16:52,448 --> 00:16:55,550 where the doll comes alive and terrorizes a lakeside town. 478 00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,418 Look, it's not Dana's fault. 479 00:16:57,619 --> 00:16:59,754 Please don't fail her. Fail me. 480 00:16:59,755 --> 00:17:01,556 No, it's my fault. 481 00:17:01,557 --> 00:17:03,591 If you're gonna fail anyone, fail me. 482 00:17:03,592 --> 00:17:07,061 I can't... fail you, Mrs. Goldberg. You're an adult. 483 00:17:07,062 --> 00:17:08,829 Also, why are you here? 484 00:17:09,130 --> 00:17:10,764 Yeah, Adam. Why is she here? 485 00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:13,200 I'm just trying to help, like any good bubbie would. 486 00:17:13,201 --> 00:17:14,768 A good bubbie doesn't lose her grandchild. 487 00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:16,937 I heard that. Bubbies hear everything. 488 00:17:16,938 --> 00:17:19,006 Enough! Gah! 489 00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:20,641 Mom, I know you mean well, 490 00:17:20,942 --> 00:17:24,044 but all you've done is screw things up for me and Dana. 491 00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:26,246 Look, I don't know when I'll have a family, 492 00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:28,148 and I don't know who it'll be with. 493 00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:31,785 I-I-it could be Dana. It could be Molly Ringwald. 494 00:17:31,786 --> 00:17:34,654 All I know is that when I do get married, 495 00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:37,457 you're gonna need to butt out. 496 00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:38,592 Okay, but I... 497 00:17:38,593 --> 00:17:41,627 No "buts"... Except for yours butting out. 498 00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:46,700 Thanks for coming. 499 00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,635 I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here. 500 00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:50,804 You're gonna choose which one of us you'll take as your lover. 501 00:17:50,805 --> 00:17:52,506 Ew! God, no! 502 00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,674 I'm doing the complete opposite of that. 503 00:17:54,975 --> 00:17:57,077 I'm resigning as leader of the JTP. 504 00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:57,944 JTP! JTP! JTP! 505 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,879 Did you even hear what I said? 506 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,814 I'm out! No more JTP! 507 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:02,849 JTP! JTP! JTP! 508 00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:03,683 God! 509 00:18:03,684 --> 00:18:04,984 Allow me. 510 00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:06,386 Here's the deal, fellas. 511 00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,688 You're all so insanely awesome 512 00:18:08,689 --> 00:18:11,257 that Erica loves you all equally, okay? 513 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,325 For her to choose one of you 514 00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,694 would literally break her brain in half, 515 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,130 sending her into a coma forever. 516 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,899 - Oh. That makes sense. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. 517 00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,935 Her only real option is to step down 518 00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:26,739 so I can resume my role as leader and God of the JTP. 519 00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:28,541 JTP. JTP. JTP. JTP. 520 00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:29,975 Here. 521 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,311 Your Hearts tickets? Seriously? 522 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,345 Think I'm gonna hang with my boys that night. 523 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,014 I suggest you hang with your girl. 524 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,018 - Want to? - Yes! 525 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,086 [Chuckles] 526 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:44,690 But the secret is still my own 527 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,458 It was one of those major life lessons 528 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,694 Barry and Erica had to learn the hard way. 529 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,228 Sometimes, you'll find 530 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,731 that special someone who changes everything, 531 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,901 but having your best friends there to cheer you on 532 00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,270 is what the game is all about. 533 00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,338 Till now 534 00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:03,041 I always got by on my own - Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! 535 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,509 [Indistinct talking] 536 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,245 Miss Taraborelli: Mr. Goldberg, a moment please. 537 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:08,980 - I've changed my mind on your grade. - Really? 538 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,382 You know, the point of the project 539 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,350 was to learn what it's like to be a real parent. 540 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:14,652 Changing diapers... Oh, that's easy. 541 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,288 Protecting your lady from her nightmare in-laws? 542 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,524 Whew. That's an "A." 543 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:23,595 How do I get you alone? 544 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,095 Dana. 545 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,066 What's all this? 546 00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:32,636 A thank-you for standing up for me... 547 00:19:32,637 --> 00:19:34,705 And an apology for how weird things got. 548 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,607 It got quite weird. 549 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:38,008 But I give you my word... 550 00:19:38,009 --> 00:19:39,677 From now on, I'm gonna make sure 551 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:42,546 my mom stays as far away from us as possible. 552 00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:44,582 Actually, your mom's not so bad. 553 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,850 She's the one who invited me over 554 00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:48,919 and helped me with all this. 555 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,287 In the end, 556 00:19:50,288 --> 00:19:52,856 my mom stopped worrying about being the best bubbie 557 00:19:52,857 --> 00:19:56,293 and just focused on being my awesome mom. 558 00:19:56,294 --> 00:19:57,861 [Sighs] 559 00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:59,596 Oh, God, Mur. 560 00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:01,632 Butting out is so hard. 561 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:03,967 Yeah, but look at him. He's having so much fun. 562 00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:05,436 Doesn't that make you happy? 563 00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:07,504 I never really cared until I met you 564 00:20:07,505 --> 00:20:09,339 Damn it, it does. [Chuckles] 565 00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:11,575 That's good for me. 566 00:20:11,576 --> 00:20:14,178 Happy wife, happy life. 567 00:20:14,179 --> 00:20:18,682 How do I get you alone? 568 00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:20,717 That's the thing about being a parent... 569 00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:22,086 It's tough, 570 00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:25,055 and it doesn't come with a spinner and instructions. 571 00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:27,424 You learn as you go. 572 00:20:28,025 --> 00:20:30,827 But seeing the smile on my face that night 573 00:20:30,828 --> 00:20:33,329 gave my mom a new saying... 574 00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:36,566 "Happy kids, happy life." 575 00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:39,168 ["Alone" fades] 576 00:20:42,729 --> 00:20:44,997 Ahh. Back for more? 577 00:20:45,498 --> 00:20:48,166 I came to return this shoddy knock-off. 578 00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:50,268 You bought a bootleg toy out of a trunk. 579 00:20:50,269 --> 00:20:52,036 All sales are final. 580 00:20:52,037 --> 00:20:54,271 Well, at least let me trade it for this. 581 00:20:55,341 --> 00:21:00,812 Till now, I always got by on my own 582 00:21:00,813 --> 00:21:03,348 I never really cared until I met you 583 00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:07,752 Wow, it's crazy how two people can reach into a trunk 584 00:21:07,753 --> 00:21:11,656 and their fingers just... kind of meet, you know? 585 00:21:11,657 --> 00:21:13,658 [Music stops] I'm gonna take this as a lesson 586 00:21:13,659 --> 00:21:15,927 never to buy toys from a man's trunk 587 00:21:15,928 --> 00:21:17,195 behind a warehouse. 588 00:21:17,196 --> 00:21:18,363 [Thud] 589 00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:21,498 I also sell a lifetime of devotion and tenderness. 590 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:26,637 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 591 00:21:26,639 --> 00:21:29,239 [Ding!] 592 00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:33,839 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42631

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