All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s01e17.eng

Adult Adam: Hockey...

a time-honored tradition
for the Goldberg gang.

My dad raised us
watching the Flyers

and dreamed of us being
as cool and tough

as the Broad Street bullies.

Of course, what I lacked
in size and strength,

I made up for
with clumsiness and asthma.

My costume is so uncomfortable.

It's a jersey, not a costume.

Geez.

It didn't matter
that I was a total scrub.

My dad thought
I could be great someday,

and I didn't want
to let him down.

- You ready?
- Hell yeah.

I'm ready to hockey it up.

There he is,
my little ice angel.

Remember our rule:
The real winner is safety.

It's the big leagues, Bevy.

He's in Junior Peewee now.

This is the year that Adam
scores his first goal.

Murray, I don't understand
why you insist he plays.

Adam, be careful on that ice.
It's very slippery.

Why don't you just skate around
with him all game

and make sure he stays safe?

I know you're joking,
but I would do that

if the situation
presented itself.

Hockey wasn't my thing,
but it was Barry's everything.

Whoo! What a hit!

I don't think he's getting up.

I told you...
flyers got to hit to win.

[ Grating voice ]
I'm Freddy Krueger!

I'm gonna haunt
your dreams, fool!

- What's he doing?
- Just ignore him.

[ Growls ]
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

He'll wear himself out.

[ Growls ]
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

That's enough.
That's enough.

Let me watch the game.
Stop.

Just watch the game, Adam.

My dad took hockey
very seriously,

and my brother, Barry,
did, too.

Out of all the things
he thought he was good at,

this one he actually was.

[ Buzzer sounds ]
Barry: Goal!

And my dad
loved going to his games.

Look at you!
Look at you!

But when it came to my games,
not so much.

Go, Adam!

[ Cheering ]

Even so, my dad dragged his ass
to those stands to cheer me on.

No, no!
The other way!

But he never stopped believing

that one day
I would score that first goal

and live up
to the Goldberg potential.

Do something!

Then, it finally happened.

My moment... my big shot
to make my dad proud.

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Or so I thought.

Yes! I finally scored!

Yeah.

Damn it, Goldberg.
You scored on our goal.

[ Crowd jeering ]

I call a do-over!

That's a thing
in sports, right?

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

It was February 25,
1980-something.

My sister was prepping
for the SATs

and my mom was gonna be there
every step of the way

with words of support
and encouragement.

Okay, I don't want to make
a big deal about this,

but your entire life

is literally riding
on this one test.

You've made that very clear.

Now stop hovering.

Sorry. I'll just be
quietly over here.

[ Clangs ]
Aah! What the hell?

This test is all about
how you handle distraction.

Focus your mind.

Shut out the world.

Mom.

I don't think
there are going to be

any explosions
at the test center.

You don't know that.

It could be
underneath a discotheque,

or next to a fireworks factory,

or in a bad part
of South Philly,

like where your gym teacher
got arrested.

You're not helping.

And time!
Pencils down.

Okay, you didn't even answer
the last 10 questions.

- What's wrong with you?
- You're what's wrong with me!

You know what?

That's fine.
I'm done for the night.

The night
has just begun, missy.

Tuchus down, now.

Look, my SAT tutor
said that taking

too many practice tests
will burn you out.

And that's why I fired her.

You fired Wendy Woo?

I fired Wendy Woo.

She was happy and kind
and patient... ugh.

Three terrible qualities
in a tutor.

But don't worry.
I hired someone else.

She'll be here momentarily.

What?
What's happening?

- Surprise!
- No.

It's me!
I'm your new tutor!

Stop doing what you're doing.

Erica, the fate
of your college career

rides on this one single test,
and trust me,

I know how important
college is.

The biggest regret of my life
is dropping out to have you.

Oh, that sounded awful.

I am just gonna keep on talking
until it fixes itself.

- Has it fixed itself?
- No.

I think it has. Here.

I've gone through tests
from the past 10 years

and compiled all the most
difficult math problems.

Do them now.

What?
These are way too hard.

I believe in you.

While my mom was
turning the screws on Erica,

my dad had given up on me.

What are you doing?
The Flyers are on.

I got news for you, Albert.

I'm done with hockey.
That's right.

Adam spoiled
the whole sport for me.

It happens.

Sometimes the puck
deflects off you

and ricochets
into your own goal.

No. He aimed. He shot.

He scored. He danced!

I'm so sorry.

Why don't you
just let the boy quit?

He hates hockey.

For now.

But when I force him
to play against his will,

he'll eventually become great.

And then his bitterness
towards me will turn into love.

That, my friend,
is what it means to be a dad.

Yes, that's very touching.

But maybe you should
do something

that Adam likes for a change.

But he likes space ships
and dragons and video games.

Did you know
that the Mario brothers

aren't even real?

For three years,
I thought they were the boys

who lived across the street.

Just give it a shot.

I think you'll see that kid
is into some pretty cool stuff.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Hey, Dad, check it out.

Doesn't it look like
I'm in zero gravity?

Yeah. So, this is
what you do, huh?

Making a Sci-Fi movie.

Yeah, space stuff.

You ever do any westerns
or gritty cop dramas?

No, not my genres.

Although, technically,
Star Wars was a Western,

and Robocop
was incredibly dark.

So just space stuff.

- Well, you need a hand?
- Really?

Yeah, sure. I'll, um,
hold the camera or something.

Do you want to act in it?

Do I?

Awesome!

Lie down on the bed, and
whatever happens, don't move.

Lie down and don't move.

What do you know, I've been
an actor my whole life.

Okay.

In a nutshell, you're Caine,
a space miner

who has an alien egg
gestating in your belly.

I'm who with the what?

Get ready to freak out.

Why would I freak out?

[ Squirts ] What are you doing?

Why would you do that?

Stop!
[ Growling ]

What is that?!
Get it out!

Stop! Stop talking. You're dead.

You ruined my one good shirt!
You're dead!

Ah.

Dad, I told you there was
an alien egg in your stomach.

What do you think that means?

You know what?
Let's go back to hockey.

That, I understand.

While my dad's attempt at
bonding was an utter failure,

my mom was pushing Erica
to the next level.

How did I do already?

Okay, just know
that this is a practice test

and we still have
a lot of work to do.

Son of a bitch.
That bad?

- 1,280.
- What?

You better come over here
and hug your mama

before I punch you in the face.

Oh, my God!

I thought you were just
talking like a crazy person

like you do
every other second of the day.

But you actually helped me boost
my score by like 100 points!

You're damn right I did.

And that's good enough
to get you into Penn.

Forget Penn.
That's good enough for Stanford.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, I need a 1,300 to get in.

Only 20 more points to go.

Stanford is in California.

I know.
It's so far away.

You are not going to school
20,000 miles away from me...

us. The family.

You seriously won't let me go

to one of the best colleges
in the country?

I...[Gags]

What the hell was that?

I...[Gags, chokes]

- Stop.
- I...

[ Gags ] Stop doing that.

What are you doing?
[ Chokes ]

I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

I-I-it... Stanford's
just so far away.

I...I wouldn't be able to just
pop in on the weekends,

and... and hang out with you
and your girlfriends

and try on clothes
and then have you take me

to the local college pubs,
where you introduce me

as your older sister Barbie
to the cute TA's.

- That's your plan?
- One of them, yeah.

Well, thank God I learned
how to kick ass on this test.

Thank God.

What have I done?

[ Chokes ]

Well look who it is.

Try not to score
on your own goal, lame Gretzky.

Maybe, instead
of being a total putz,

you could actually help me?

You want my help? Quit.

Quitting isn't an option.

You know how much
it matters to Dad.

I don't want to let him down.

If I cared at all,
that would make me sad.

Maybe you could
teach me something,

so then,
when I look in the stands,

dad's not hiding
his face in shame.

What I got can't be taught.
It's called natural talent.

See, I'm the type of player

who controls
the flow of the game.

You, on the other hand,
are a turd on ice.

I know! But there's got to be
something I can do.

I guess you could
always be a goon.

A goon?
Like in "Goonies"?

A goon... an enforcer.

They protect
the awesome players like me

using violence and dirty play.

As long as they can kick butt,

a goon doesn't need
to shoot or score.

Teach me.
I am yours to mold.

Please. Teach me
how to be a goonie.

Goon!

Can we just say goonie
if it helps me get there?

That meant yes,
Barry would help me.

All I had to do now
was learn how to fight.

Realizing a good test score
meant losing her daughter,

my mom changed
her tutoring tactics.

Hey, study buddy.

What's all this?

I just wanted some coffee
so I could stay up and study.

Well, you're in luck,

because nothing
keeps your energy up

like warm milk
and a big pile of turkey.

Don't those things
put you to sleep?

No, no.
The opposite is true.

I read that in a magazine
I threw away.

Well, you got me this far.
I trust you.

Oh, you're sweet.

Oh, listen, I was thinking,

as a reward
for all your hard work,

you might want
to let off some steam

and go to see Rick Springfield
on Friday night.

But that's the night
before the test.

Whoa.

Okay.

Your loss, egghead.

Well, I should probably
get back to work.

Oh, about that, um, I made up

some new vocab cards
for you to memorize.

This should get
you the extra points

you need to get into Stanford.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

"Scubulence, noun...

the process of removing
scuba equipment from a boat."

[ Chuckles ] Weird word.

Yeah, weird and real.
Just like "flimjam, verb...

to run backwards
in a zig-zag pattern."

Got it.

Well, that makes me feel
very "torkulent, adjective...

delighted
and a little scared."

Well, let me just
flimjam out of here

and, uh, good luck
with your studying.

"Fidangle, verb...
to finish dangling."

What the hell?

She wouldn't.

She would.

While my mom was trying to hurt
Erica's chances on the SAT,

Barry was teaching me
how to hurt people on the ice.

Okay, ad rock, listen up.

There are a few crucial things
you need to learn

in order to be an enforcer.

I'm ready for this.
Teach me.

We'll start with the basics.

Lesson one...
this is your stick.

People like me use it to score.

People like you
use it as a weapon.

Cool. Like a sword.

I can use the moves I learned
in my stage-combat class.

Ow!

Lesson two... every time
you say something like that,

you get a nerd punch
in the meaty part of your arm.

Smart.
The pain will motivate me.

Nerd punch!

Ow!

Lesson three... your stick
is to never touch the ice.

It's used for slashing, hooking,
butt-ending, and spearing.

- Any questions?
- Aren't all those penalties?

- Nerd punch!
- Aah.

Lesson four... fighting.

But I didn't learn
lessons one through three yet.

Maybe you did,
maybe you didn't.

- I didn't.
- Or did you?

- I didn't!
- Nerd punch!

Now, the trick to a hockey fight
is the first person

who sheds their gloves
strikes first.

Go! Again!

Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Again!

Quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick!

You're gonna lose
to a kid with looser gloves.

- Again!
- I think I got it now.

You got it
when I say you got it.

Which is now.

Lesson five, and the most
important lesson of them all...

when you're in a fight,

you grab the bottom
of your opponent's jersey

and yank it over his head,
like so.

Stop it!
I can't see!

Good.
You're learning.

Lesson six...
watch out for elbows.

Ah!

There's my little genius.

You all geared up
for the big test tomorrow?

All thanks to your help.

You know, I thought a lot
about what you said,

and I decided that Penn
is a great choice for me.

Oh, it's happening.

- We're going to Penn!
- I know!

I'm so excited that I decided
to get a head start

on my essay
for their application.

Here it is.

"I believe that the
University of Pennsylvania

"is the right school for me

because of its torkulent history
and diligord reputation."

- Oh, boy.
- Don't stop. Keep going.

Ah, I'd rather not.

Okay, Pops, would you mind?

"I feel that I could
really benefit

"from being part of its
cromtormulous student body

and weepeggle faculty."

Weepeggle?
What the [Bleep]

Keep reading.

"I would be bumgubbled
to quarp a university

"that is so
vernaciously proggle

that even the most zeticent
student could gobulate."

Gobulate?

Honest question...
when you wrote this,

were you smoking
a jazz cigarette?

Oh, it's much worse than that.

I have a mother that taught me
fake vocab words

to screw me out of the college
I want to go to.

What? That's crazy.

That is crazy, right?

I can explain.

Oh, no.

What kind of mother
sabotages her daughter?

Who does that?

Just go to Penn.

It's only 20 minutes away.

I can cook for you
and do your laundry

and clean your room because
it's only 20 minutes away,

so you should
live here and commute.

Oh, well,
I've got news for you.

California
ain't far enough away.

I'm going to Japan university.

That's right. Good luck
popping in on me there.

Do you really think
that'll stop me?

I'll fly
halfway around the planet

just to see you every weekend
if I have to.

Fine! Then I'll
just colonize the moon

and go to college there!

Then I'll get
on a rocket every weekend

just so I can give you a hug.

- You can't do that!
- Oh, I can.

And I will bring you Tang
and I'll iron your space suit

and I'll take your
alien roommates to Bennigans!

I hate
that you love me so much!

While my mom and Erica
had taken the gloves off,

I was about to do the same.

[ Yells ]

Nooo!

This wasn't the plan!

Fight back, Adam!

Use your stick,
just like I taught you!

You taught him what?

Nothing.
I taught him nothing.

No, no, stop!
I'm the enforcer.

You can't enforce the enforcer.

Ball up!

Curl into a ball!

Dear God, no!

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Adam! Get back here.
We need to talk.

No.
Just leave me alone.

This is your fault, you moron.

I'm a moron?

Adam's the one
who got suspended for fighting.

Yeah, you're the one
who taught him how to fight!

I was trying to help him.

All he wanted to do
was impress you.

How's it supposed to impress me

to have him dragged by the face

and turned
into a human hockey puck?

I don't know.

You won't let him quit,

so what else
is he supposed to do?

Do you know why
I won't let him quit?

You and I have a ton in common.

We talk about
sports, food, cars.

But Adam...
this is all we've got,

and if you take hockey away,
there's a good chance

that Adam and I
might never speak again.

I see what you're saying.

I'm your favorite son.

- Didn't say that.
- I get it.

- No, you don't.
- You love me more.

- You're an idiot.
- You can say it all you want.

- You're an idiot.
- But we all know how you really feel.

- You're an idiot.
- I get it.

- Just stop.
- Okay.

Listen, I know Adam's hobbies
are weird to us.

No.
Weird to everyone.

But the kid tried for five years
to do your thing.

Maybe now it's time
to try his thing

for more than five minutes.

That's pretty smart, Barry.

Of course!
I'm your favorite.

And back to stupid.

Poopie, can Mama come in?

Let me guess.

You're here with "directions"

to the new test center
that doesn't exist?

I'm here to apologize.

What I did was wrong.

You know,
you always say you want

what's best for your children,

but, really, you just want
what's best for you.

Okay, I was selfish.

But... I just
love you so much.

I never want to let you go.

And you think that that's supposed
to make what you did any better?

Look... I know you're gonna go
off to college one day,

but the reality of you moving
all the way across the country

and starting a whole new life,
that freaked me out.

But I know this isn't about me,

so if Stanford is what you want,
then, damn it,

we are gonna
get you into Stanford.

- Do you mean that?
- I don't.

- Understood.
- But I'll work on it.

And maybe in a year or so...
I will.

You know, um...
I never finished college,

so I could always apply.

Don't ruin the hug.

Okay.

[ Big country's
"In A Big Country" plays ]

Hey. How you doing?

Well, I discovered
the only thing worse

than scoring on your own goal

is getting scored
into your own goal.

Look, I know
you're not enjoying hockey,

and I'm not enjoying
you not enjoying hockey,

so I thought, "there has to be

something else
we can do together."

Please don't make me
play football.

No, no, no. No sports.
Done with sports.

So, I went to the store,
and I got you

a family-size bottle
of ketchup

and a three pack of t-shirts
for you to ruin,

in case you want to give that
alien movie thing another try.

- You mean it?
- Yeah. Why not?

Well, if we do this,
we do it right.

[ Groaning ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh! Oh, my God!

Call the robot president!

[ Chomping ]

My dad learned that,
while I was nothing like him,

he could meet me halfway,
and even though

I didn't play hockey anymore,
he still had Barry...

Barry: Goal!
[ Whistle blows ]

Oh, yeah!
All, man! Whoo!

...which was a mixed bag.

Put it in, scorekeeper.
Put it in.

As for Erica,
she was feeling quite torkulent

as she sat down
to take the SAT.

Nothing would stop her,
not even fireworks.

Woman: And begin.

Mail just came.

Oh, my God!

I knew you could do it.

I may actually
go to California.

I'll follow you
to the moon, baby.

In the end, my parents realized
all they could do

was let us be who we wanted
to be and just enjoy the ride.

And we're rolling.
"Alien Dad... The Sequel."

Okay, here's the backstory.

You're a space miner
about to explore

an alien vessel
all by yourself.

By myself? An alien vessel?
No, no, no, no.

- Let's just send in a dog or something.
- A dog?

We'll give it a flashlight.
Strap a camera on its back.

You're on a solo mission.
There is no dog.

Only a moron would go
on a ship by himself.

Well, you're going in there,
so I guess you're a moron.

How are things going in here?

He's refusing
to go on the alien ship.

Murray,
just go in the damn ship.

Fine! I will go
in the damn ship.

Good, 'cause now
an alien attacks your face

and implants an egg
inside your belly.

Well, that's exactly the reason
I didn't want to go in.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

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